122 - SHAME

Adults with ADHD tend to have lower levels of self-compassion. Wonder why?! Today I talk about the bajillion things I can feel shame about and I offer a couple suggestions on things that work for me in combatting the tsunami of shame.

Here's the link to the chatgpt image that was created to show the tug of war between depression and anxiety! 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Okay, so adults with ADHD tend to have lower levels of self-compassion. I wonder why that is. We beat ourselves up? What? We do? We don't feel good enough because we can't do A, B, and C? What? That just means that we are masters of a little thing called shame. Oh, that's shame. She's a beauty. I think we should actually get on the other end of that shame game. Who's with me? Who's in? Let's go. You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD and comorbid depression symptoms. I'm your host, Russ Jones, author of Destending to the Top, believer that you can actually have a smile in your life despite this diagnosis. So let's make some sense out of this struggle. Let's learn some stuff. Let's laugh at some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. Hi guys. How do you I I feel like my voice always goes super high at the beginning. Hi! Welcome! I'm gonna belly up here. Let me adjust some things here. I want to be I have a standing desk now, so I'm trying to try to lean on it a little bit. I'm literally standing right now while I'm talking to you guys. Um today I wanted to talk a little bit about shame. Uh and this came from me actually playing around with the chat GPT, that that image maker thingy. And I wanted to create an image of what task paralysis might look like to me, like how I experience it. And I thought, okay, so it sometimes feels to me like it's a tug-of-war between my depression, which in terms of doing things, is like that, you know, the regret of a thousand unfinished projects, the failed life stuff, the jobs, divorce, finances, you know, stuff like that. And needing to do a bunch of stuff to get on the other end of that, you know, and like why haven't I done it yet? And and so then there's the other side of the tug of war that I'm caught in the middle of, and it's the anxiety, it's the fear of the future and the overwhelm of like the multitude of things that have to be done in order to ultimately have my shit together and the impossibility of it all.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

It's too much. You know, there's too many things. And oh my God, what happens if something bad happens and all my plans go to shit? And oh, what should I be working on right now? Well, that okay, oh, but I don't feel like it working on that. So maybe what else should I be working on? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

So I'm being caught inside this, like this tug of war, and then with my actual physical neuron zip-zappy fucking, you know, the executive function crap, the the ADHD component, I'm paralyzed. I can't move forward, I can't make a choice, I can only dwell on, you know, the quote unquote should, what should I be doing? What is the right thing to do? And so I'll feel shame at what I perceive as a weakness. Like, why can't I do easy shit? Why? And so this was all building towards an image, right? And the image that it was created was pretty dark, but it was super cool and it resonated with me and uh made me want to print it out. If you're interested in what it looks like, uh, I will I'll post it in the forum. There's like a free section in the ADHD Big Brother forum uh with some helpful stuff. So the the link will be in the uh I almost said the bio. What am I? Instagram? Who am I? Instagram? No, this is a freaking podcast. The link will be in the show notes. There you go. But so the shame of the this image of this guy is like this shameful image. But it's shame is quite a debilitator, especially if it pops up for a bunch of stuff in our lives. And you think, well, okay, well, what what are people with ADHD? What do you guys feel shame about? I mean, I can make it a blog post. Like, here's the top 10 things adults with ADHD feel shame about. I think I should just talk about uh I'll just talk about my own shame. And you either relate to it or you don't, you know? No big deal. So there's the things that I have felt shame about are like the fact that it took me 40 years just to figure out that I had this thing, this ADHD stuff. There's the the shame that I felt like my brain was broken, the shame that I I couldn't keep my marriage together or that I I let everyone down all the time. And some of this stuff isn't 100% accurate. It's just literally the truth in my head, in my interpretation of my life. It's like the or the shame that um it could potentially take a pill for me to have my head work right, feeling like I know how to do stuff. I'm able to do stuff, I've done this stuff before, and yet I can't do this stuff in this moment. So I must be this failure of a human. And there's also the shame that I can't take care of myself like a grown adult. My place gets messy often. It's stupid messy sometimes. And my hygiene, it comes and goes. I feel like a child, and there's a shame in that. I get late fees on things, my spending isn't controlled, like what I perceive a responsible adult would have budgeted, and then the thought continues to swirl that I don't have my shit together because there's this standard of living that's outside of my reach at the moment, which gives me that good old tasty shame. So that's how I have felt uh shame in the past. I have little tiny shames. I have big life shames, like when I we almost lost Noble when he was three months old. I have a lot of shame attached to that. Um, there's also the shame of God as a result of all these reckless impulses in my life. Historically, oh my God, I'm his I'm supreme, I can be very impulsive. Not in the sense that I would hurt anyone besides myself, really, but addiction that runs rampant in my veins. And the shame that comes from, I would say, like the various manifestations of my escaping my intense feelings over the years. That's what it's like comes in all forms. It comes in the forms of drugs, uh, alcohol, sexual stuff, nicotine. Uh, maybe on the tamer side, it would be things like video games or social media scrolling, spending. Um, and so there's sometimes shame at the tail end of these, or even while it's happening, like I shouldn't be doing this rot now, and yet I continue. What do we call those? That's like we go through these, they call them seasons now, right? I'm gonna I'm going through a season. I'm gonna screw up my life for a few months. I'm gonna call it a season. I love that. It's just a season of change I'm going through right now. It really, it looks like you're stoned all the time. No, it's just a season I'm I'm having. Oh god. These seasons. We just have guys, we have to have gallous humor about this stuff, or we're just never gonna get through it. So those have been the shamakers for me. I mean, I've got more than a handful, clearly, over the my history. How I tend to feel it, how I how it feels with me, it's I I tend to get depressed. I start to feel hopeless, self-compassion, it hits an all-time low. And then my dysfunction of comparison, that that sense that I'll put myself up against another person and then I'll judge myself negatively. Like that person has their aspect of life together. Oh wow, that's amazing. I don't, so I guess I suck as a human. Or that person dresses really good. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, therefore I'm unlovable and not fit for a mate. I'm not good enough. And that's how I feel shame. How about you? How do you feel it? How do you wear it? Are you going through a season? How I try to brave the season? And I think I think I'm pretty sure you know what I'm gonna say. I can see you rolling your eyes right now. You're probably like, oh god, if he says to fucking be cool with myself again, I'm gonna lose my mind. Okay, that's okay, fair enough. So the um it's just you guys, while okay. Well, that will be my number one. That is my go-to. Uh, put me down for that. I because I don't I don't worry about loving myself. I do not, not yet. I am cool with myself. It is acceptance on a grand scale, and I think that's a big deal. It's that is what has kept me moving forward. Uh, but okay, you don't want to okay, fine. So maybe maybe a distant second way off in the horizon. Another option uh would be is to be non-judgmentally curious about myself. What led to this feeling? Did something trigger it? What were the thoughts that accompanied the feeling, you know, or vice versa? This is basically the what the therapist is gonna do. They're gonna be non-judgmentally curious about me. They're gonna ask me questions, they're gonna get me to talk about me and then notice my thought errors. You know, have you considered that maybe how about black or white thinking? Did you think that maybe you have dis you're discounting the positives? It's so maybe try asking yourself some motherfucking questions. Put some questions out there for yourself. What questions? That's a great question. That is the mighty question of questions. That is the question question. I don't know what you're dealing with. So how am I supposed to know what question to ask you? That's my question right back to you. Tell you what, if you want to contact me, uh go to adhgebrother.com, go to the contact form, uh, overshare your life, and tell me what you're dealing with, and I will I'll I'll ask you a question. I think that I got no issue with that. I can share the ones that I do. This will be like how I do it. Uh, you could steal mine if they're relevant, and you can throw them in the carpaccio if they're not. One thing I'll say though is that I study this shit all the time. So I recommend doing that. Uh, outside of all your ADHD knowledge and all your depression knowledge, all those books that you're reading, get into the stuff that your therapists are doing. Like read your cognitive behavioral therapy books, the acceptance and commitment therapy, psychoanalytical stuff, and then all the coaching stuff, the coaching questions. So it might be easier for me to come up with uh the questions and to notice certain thought errors in myself, but it's all out there. You can find all this information. So, like um while you're binging all your ADHD and depression books, look into these other areas to help fuel your growth, right? But this work, it only really happens for me if I put it outside of myself and look at it objectively. So a lot of the more difficult feelings like shame, they for me have to be journaled. I gotta get it external. And one of the things that we were working on in the forum is that there's a group of us working through an addiction workbook, and there's some great prompts, the great exercises in getting to know our thoughts, our emotions, the reasons why we're prone to escape into addictive behavior. And I'm not currently in the throes of an addiction at the moment. Knock wood. You know what I'm saying? Don't know why I just did that. Knock wood. Why the fuck do we why the fuck do we knock wood? Why are we knocking? I just knocked on wood, and I have no idea why I'm knocking on wood. This is this keeps happening to me. Hold on.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

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SPEAKER_02 11:38

Damn, those words are big. These groups believe the trees were home to their various gods, and with the touch of wood, a spirit could bring protection. That is so funny. Oh my gosh. You know what's really funny is we say things sometimes, we don't have a clue why we're saying it. I just kind of knew it meant good luck. Or like, I hope so. Like I'm not addicted to anything. I hope not. Or something like that. Clearly, this is not the case. Clearly, there this is a dead tree on my desk, and there is no spirit inside of this tree. If there was, it would be a an imprisoned tree spirit and suffering. There it ain't no way that tree spirit's gonna be like, oh, and let me grant your wish.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

It'd be like, get me out of here.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

I bet if you want to truly knock wood, you gotta go out into nature and knock on an actual tree. And it's gotta be a healthy tree, I bet. I'm just saying. So anyway, I'm not currently addicted to anything. Uh, but the feelings that are pervasive and strong that I wish to escape, those are still there. These depressive episodes that I wish I could numb with a thing, that's still there. The overwhelm of and the ADHD, and you know, the intensity to which we can feel, you know, how we go from like zero to like oh I feel everything all at once. So it's really, it's like a journey of getting to know these emotions, and shame is a big one. And I I want to say this, this is kind of like a side note, but about the workbook aspect in the forum, is this was an interesting thing that's come up. I would not be doing this work in this workbook had it not been for the community or like the community aspect of it, right? I've owned this particular addiction workbook for years, and I basically treated it like every other workbook. You know, you skim through it and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, that's a great exercise. Oh yeah, I should probably do that one. That's probably gonna help a lot. And I never do any of it. So side note, the secret to doing a workbook, it's treat it like a book club. Do it with people, join the forum, do it with us. You know what I'm saying? Come on in. So my own shame questions would be things like, well, what was the thing that triggered the feelings of shame? What were the thoughts that accompanied that? For me, it then becomes about uh who am I letting down with this behavior? Uh it's it's this kind of I'm so sorry to someone or something in my head, or if they knew about this, how would they feel about me? You know, if they knew my house was messy and they were standing in this room right now, they'd have all kinds of judgment. So for me, a lot of that is it's about who am I being judged by? Like, what will she think? What am I worried about that they will think? And then I journal that work when it's really intense. And then I'll I'll journal out questions like, do I have proof that they think this way or that they will think this way? Um, or am I just making shit up and putting it on someone else because that's how I feel about myself? Um, or how do I want to feel or how do I want to think about this situation? That's a good one. And I can look at that as maybe, okay, there's a a thought, a new thought that I can adopt or something. Um, the work for me isn't really convincing myself not to give a shit, you know, like standing in my power or whatever, like if we were taking the cleaning example, like, no, I don't give a shit. I'm glad it's messy, I choose this. That's not me. The work for me to get on the other end of it, of the shame here, like in terms of the clean cleaning and then my environment, is to ask myself, well, what environment do I want? If I step outside of myself and I ask objectively, what do I want? Not what should I do or what should I be doing, but what would put a big fat comfy smile on my face in terms of my environment. I actually do want a clean environment. There's something about having an environment that's I keep saying fucking environment. Environment sounds like I live in the jungle and like there's it's humid and there's uh environment. Um, my place. I I want my place, the feeling of being organized makes me feel good. Okay, great. Uh, unfortunately, ADHD prevents me from using that to fuel the activity. And I don't know how it is for you guys, but the satisfaction of a job well done or the future thought of having my place cleaned, it doesn't push me into action. So beating the shame is kind of getting to know what this looks like for me. So for me, imperfect organization, that's what works. My laundry gets clean, maybe at the last minute, but it happens, so I'm not stinky. But maybe it takes an extra day or five to get off my bed. And if I have company coming over, I'll put it away. Sure, done and done. Um, I I have to apologize. I think I am tying this back into being cool with yourself. Uh, I'm so sorry. I do know that I sound like a broken record, but it's true. Being cool with yourself is a big deal. The final thing that I will say is that more often than not, uh thinking doesn't fix anything for me. Doing stuff does. Like some kind of physical activity that moves my needle forward is like 99.9% of the time the elixir for me exiting my shame spiral. And journaling, I count that as an activity. Uh that thing where we sit catatonic and can't get out of our head because we're in like a street fight with our mind to try to convince ourselves of stuff, that doesn't usually help me. Anyway, uh I hope that helps. I hope I gave you guys something to chew on. Uh I hope you have a shame-free week. Uh reach out anytime. If you have any questions about any of this stuff, if you're like, I you kind of didn't say anything about this aspect, but reach out, let me know. I will, I'm here to serve. Um, and on the community note, um, if you guys ever wanted to join the forum, the more the merrier. So get in now, and then you'll be grandfathered in at this, it's a ridiculously lower price right now. It's price is gonna go up for new members in February. So if you want to get grandfathered in, join now. If you're asking, what is the forum? I just I'm new here. What is the forum? Uh the way I look at this community is that like you've read all the books, you pretty much know all the things, you are proficient with your ADHD and your depression. You went to on these retreats, you went to the guru conventions, and you know all these methodologies, and you're like, you're sold on these methodologies, but you've got ADHD. You're not doing the thing. The thing that will change everything for you, the thing that you know you can do, but you're not doing it. I help people do the things they say they want to do, but they're not doing it. And in the forum, I'm doing that with you on my own things as well. We're getting our shit together together. And that I believe is the one missing ingredient I feel in all of ADHD and depressing land. It's it's the the doing. So if that's you, get in there and we shall make some crazy progress in life together. Um, alrighty. With that, I hope you guys have a great, shame free week, and I will talk to you later.