Adoption Discussion with TaylorAlyce9 | Episode 07 - Mind of Snaps Podcast

This week, I sit down with my best friend IRL to discuss our adoption stories. You can find Taylor on Twitter @TaylorAlyce9, she's hilarious.

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Transcript

spk_0:   0:11
Welcome to the mind of Snaps podcast with your host jets. A. She snaps a popular twitch broadcaster, photographer, entrepreneur and Mendel's advocates in this and future cast expect to fall along with snaps as she learns more about her mind the world and her fellow humans. It could get messy, but stick around. You might just learn something as you enter the mind of snaps Hello and welcome Toe. Episode seven of the Mind of Snaps podcast. This week we're gonna be talking about something that is very near and dear to my heart adoption. For those of you who have attended my mental health awareness streams in the past, you know my story already, or at least more of it, and you likely remember some details regarding my adoption from there. If you don't know my story, I'll just give you a super quick version. My sister, brother and myself at the ages of 32 and almost one were abandoned by our birth mother and adopted by your grand parents, who then became our parents. I consider myself to be incredibly fortunate, but I have to acknowledge that my adoption and some of the feelings I felt as a result of it definitely impacted my life in a negative way as well as a positive. The emotional strain that I feel with regards to certain aspect of my adoption hasn't gone away even so many years after learning so much of the truth about it. And as such, it felt like a great discussion topic. I've spoken to countless people about my adoption and about there's over the years, and I think in the future will have more discussions about this so we can interview more people and get more perspectives on the subject. The goal for this particular podcast was to have an additional interview included, but that fell through. So this week's podcast will feature a single interview, which we are about to get into right now. OK,

spk_1:   2:15
so joining us for this part of the segments on adoption is my best friend, Taylor, and she's going to tell you a little bit about her story. We've talked about adoption together countless times because we're both adopted, and, um, we even had a very interesting conversation about it kind of recently just in the car together. So I thought it would be appropriate to have her on the podcast and discuss her adoption story with you. So this is my friend Taylor Taylor. Say hi. You're definitely gonna have to get a little, um, and then just keep in mind. I guess that, you know, obviously we can address each other, but as we move forward through this, we're talking to people who might be going through stuff that we've gone through. We're talking to people who might have no idea what we're going through. So we wanna If you ever want to take a moment, Say, by the way, this is important for all of you is a note. Feel free. Okay. But let's just start with your story. Your adoption story. Okay,

spk_0:   3:16
so this is probably gonna be boring to you, but, um, I Oh, gosh, where do I start? So my mom is my biological mom. She bore me. She

spk_1:   3:30
shoot before she did. She bore me. She cheap bore major healthy in her womb

spk_0:   3:39
for nine months. So she gets my biological mother. Many people can tell my dad who I call dad adopted me when I was one. Um, my biological father, uh, first didn't believe I was his second gave up his rights. And then my dad, my dad, who I called Dan adopted me when I was one.

spk_1:   4:08
Um, what was the gap there? Um, when did your mom and him split? And then when was she with your dad? I don't remember the details around, so she Okay, so

spk_0:   4:19
my biological dad was her high school sweetheart. Oh, and then they broke up and went their separate ways for a couple of years. And then they reconnected.

spk_1:   4:32
She bored me. Oh, God. So they

spk_0:   4:39
reconnected and, um, hat and became pregnant with me. And then they she told him. He said, No, that's not possible or no, I don't believe you or whatever was said. And then, um, she basically went on with her life. And then when she was six months pregnant, she was a

spk_1:   5:02
part. Of course he waas Oh, my God. So are you gonna share this with her? I'm sorry, Daddy. I love you so much. You'll be fine. She was at a bar. Oh, having lunch. Okay. Course having a I'm so normal. No, She was six months

spk_0:   5:28
pregnant and she was at a bar having lunch, and she was sitting at the bar, Of course, as one does. And, um, my dad was a very shy sort of guy, uh, did something out of his element and went up to her and started talking to her the whole time. The bar is covering her stomach.

spk_1:   5:49
Oh, my God. Stands like a fucking sitcom. I feel like you didn't hear this part of it. Like I've known so much of your story, but I didn't know that. So he didn't see it And then funny,

spk_0:   5:59
because she says that they spoke for, like, an hour, like, talked and got along really well. And then she stood up.

spk_1:   6:06
I can I'm just picturing this fucking face right now, and this is just incredible. So that was a little

spk_0:   6:15
bit of a shock. But my dad being the guy is didn't care.

spk_1:   6:19
Yeah, I'm sure he cared for a second was like, what? But then he's a nice guy, and he stuck it out. He asked the

spk_0:   6:25
obvious question like, Am I gonna be get beat up later? But no, She explained to him and then on. And then they hit it off really well, and they dated up until I was born and then he was in the delivery room. And a year later, a little less than a year later, my mom served my biological dad with papers to relinquish his rights, and he signed his name and my dad officially adopted me when I was a year old and then they got

spk_1:   6:58
married. Okay. Cool. Yeah, And then obviously, things unfortunately didn't work out. I wish I love your mom. I love your dad, but that pair I never made sense to me anyways. And they get along so well, which is awesome. But like I see her in Mark, which is Taylor stepped out. Guys. And those two are fucking who together, like they that is meant to be. They're meant to be. And like, I love your damn I love your mom but that always like it's so funny to think of them meeting that way because I didn't know the whole story, but I never could imagine them being like together. They're just so different. The funny thing is, my dad was

spk_0:   7:36
at the bar having a glass of ice tea and playing that bowling game that used to be Oh, like he was not there to be at a bar?

spk_1:   7:47
Yeah, I couldn't picture him there. Like, actually, like patrolling for one? Oh, no.

spk_0:   7:51
My dad is super, super passive and whole body and my promise not

spk_1:   7:56
know she isn't it? Oh, my God. So, yes. So then they

spk_0:   8:01
got divorced when I waas 09 Or dish 89. And, um, my mom met my step. They had a couple of years later, and they've been married ever since they got married. I was 13.

spk_1:   8:13
When did you find out that you were adopted? I

spk_0:   8:16
found out I was adopted when I was seven.

spk_1:   8:19
Okay, I was, like, the same age. I think you know that Really

spk_0:   8:22
young. I wasn't supposed to find out. Oh, when I was young, I found out I found out. We're way. Shall I tell this story?

spk_1:   8:30
Yeah. I want to know how you found out. I don't even know if I remember talking to you about. I

spk_0:   8:34
have talked to you about it, So, um, we were really in the neighborhood. I grew up in over across the river. We were all really close and there were a lot of girls and boys that were the same age, so we had a really large group of friends, and I had one friend on. We were really close and our moms were really close. So I was over there playing our house one time and she said to me, Did you know your dad was a real dad?

spk_1:   9:03
Oh, my fuck, We were Sadly, we were seven or eight when we were young. Holy shoes. And I was like, At first I think my first reaction was no, like, no. Who would believe that? Like, Oh, you're just You're just like you're on your own. Like you don't know anything about anything. Why, even saying this like, Come on, let's go back to end At that age, that was when people in our school were like my dad is Michael Jordan. My my uncle is the president. You can't believe shit from kids, right? Just just like pooh poohed it, pacified it on, done like, 10 minutes later. Okay? Yeah. Minutes later,

spk_0:   9:47
she was like, No, I'm serious. I heard our moms talking. Your dad isn't your real dad.

spk_1:   9:52
So then I was like

spk_0:   9:53
that. She's brought this up twice. Even a seven year old can understand something's going on. Yeah, So I did. What any normal seven year old do I, um

spk_1:   10:03
e can only imagine seven year old you would be Oh, I devised a plan. Oh, my God. No,

spk_0:   10:10
I My dad picked me up. I just started saying it was a car. Like I love you, Dad. You're the best

spk_1:   10:18
china. And in your mind you're like I'm tricking him into this. I got those. I'm good for sure. I was like the number one detective boys. Sure. Great. Being a dad? No, but he kind of knew something was up is a thing, of course, on

spk_0:   10:38
dhe. Then he told my mom my mom talked about my friend's mom and then So they found out and they ended up telling me two days later

spk_1:   10:47
Wow. I want to talk to your mom now and see what? What she was thinking at that moment when you came home and you were asking those questions like I can only imagine the oh, shit feeling This is a very life changing behind piece of information to get This is the moment. This is a moment. Yes. And that's not something that you want someone to find out about through their friend while you're probably playing fucking pretend hanging out already. Sure. We're dancing to Spice Girls s so that I could have been when you were seven or 17. Either one of the two. Oh, my God.

spk_0:   11:24
Yeah. So yeah, So they ended up telling me and I just remember the whole I can vividly remember them telling me, but honestly, the only thing that has always sticked out to me is how upset my dad Waas. Oh, I've never seen him emotional. He doesn't really have that many emotions.

spk_1:   11:43
You don't have a wife, you know, Doesn't He's not very. He

spk_0:   11:48
doesn't express emotions. He's very passive. So I, um I just remember seeing him very upset and crying, and that's what I wanted. I wanted it to stop. Like I just wanted it to stop.

spk_1:   12:00
Do you remember how you felt at all?

spk_0:   12:04
I remember feeling? Could I remember feeling confused? Even though I had had the information for, like, 48 hours? You're seven or eight.

spk_1:   12:14
Plus, you didn't have the confirmation you had sort of information. You probably all kinds of what ifs going exactly.

spk_0:   12:20
And I'm thinking I think even the biggest feeling I had was confusion. Yeah, it's just a very confusing thing to understand when you're that young. Yeah. I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything except kind of confused. Yeah, so, you know,

spk_1:   12:39
I never knew all these years we've been best friends for, like, 15 fucking years. I never knew that you learned, like, at the same age that I did. And we had such drastically different experiences Because my parents, I think and figured out given that I was seven, that would've been CJ was eight time. It was nine. Probably about 10. They probably figured out, like, look, these these brown kids, they're gonna figure something out soon. Because people were already picking on my siblings especially like it was. It was already becoming very evident that that there was some differences there, and at the time, I was still I wasn't as ghostly, pale like, if you see pictures of me when I was younger, I actually like with my siblings looking Mexican. Now I just I'm so dealer goes good. Anyways, they obviously had been thinking ahead of time. I think they were really nervous. So they run in a counselor like they have the whole thing planned out. All of my brothers and sisters were

spk_0:   13:40
there on that itself. That big group, you know, has to be like what's going on?

spk_1:   13:45
It was it was on Thanksgiving. I didn't know that. Yeah. So, like, I still have a picture. You've probably seen it like at my parentshouse or on Facebook or something. Um, it's this picture from our old house. There's two recliners. I think my parents are in those. There's the big windows behind us, and then all of my siblings are all lined up and I'm sitting on the floor with my with Tony and C. J. But it was It was like a normal thing, like the holiday as far as everything was going except that there was this extra lady there and we're like, Who? It's she Well, I usually hear she was there. I did not know where this is. Also, this is my recollection of it. For all I know, at this point, if I asked my mom, she would tell me some different stuff. But my my memory is we were kind of just like OK, this lady is here. Everyone seems to know her. I guess she's family or something. I don't know. You know, my family were always kind of taking in strays, so I just assumed she was a friend of one of my siblings or something. But then after they bring us along the living room and sit us down and my believe that was my mom, I can't really imagine my dad being the one to explain. I believe that it was my mom who explained the situation of the adoption. And we knew Jill Waas, but not what we want. Okay, because you don't know. My parents used to have all the pictures of all of this. That there is an age. Yes, they had her picture there, So we grew up seeing her on the wall. But because of the adoption, we grew up with this knowledge that that was our older sister and that she had disappeared. So I love a sudden Everything was just like, Okay, so, by the way, your sister is actually not your sister. The reason we have her picture and you've never seen her before? Because she was addicted to cocaine, Among other things. She ran away. She left you with us and I remember. Like the main thing they were trying to get across that time was they believe she left because she wanted us to have a better life. Not because she was messed up and didn't want us, right? So I think they really thought a lot about the narrative that they were gonna put in our minds from a young age. Sure they did, but it's still met to me. I was I just wanted to go back to playing, right. The thing I remembered was Tanya crying, and I just didn't did it. Yeah, it is crazy. I was just listening to a podcast today that was talking about. And it was Ellen all the one to say it was this book. Actually, he's talking about how emotion like, like, really strong emotions left or or sadness can reinforce memories really strongly crazy. Yes, because I remember very little details of a lot of it. But I could tell you where my sister was standing, what she was wearing because it was that ugly, like pink polka dot thinking that my family had and I remember looking over thinking like, Okay, who cares? Like mom and Dad are still here. All our sibling is still here. Nothing has changed. But I looked over and I saw her breakdown. And I was just like what? Why?

spk_0:   16:54
And I can imagine that the thought your feeling was I just want you to stop crying.

spk_1:   16:59
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a kid and goof around like Cool. It's okay. You know, we were always silly, but she had to go and sit down by, like, the big fireplace. If you remember seeing that pictures, I she had to go and sit down over there. And I remember, I think Cindy, which he was surprised Cindy was one of the ones who went over and was talking to her and my mom. And they, I think, had the counselor over there. But C J and I were just like, Do we get a plane? Are we done? We're free, right? Cool, Because life's not changing. Right? Okay. Well, I'm good. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So we both had a similar kind of experience Where while yours was like a holy shit, I'm adopted thing. Yeah, mine was less stressful, but still the thing the thing happened very young, We both kind of ignored it. When do you think you first started to think about your adoption again and not just say it? Because unfortunately, you wind up explaining your family relationships all the time. But when was the time that you can remember thinking like something is off or or any kind of emotion? Time too, I guess. What was the first thing you remember feeling? I think

spk_0:   18:11
the first time I thought about it again after that day in school, I

spk_1:   18:17
don't want you have a nice idea of kind of pushing it away. Don't know if

spk_0:   18:21
it was because, um, I don't know if it was because I purposely pushed it away and I just didn't want to think about it. I don't know if it's because it wasn't really talked about, but I think the first time I really remember having a strong emotional about it after that day was high school. I don't know if, um, other high schools have you do this, but freshman year they have you do this like lineage project. You know, like heritage. You ask your grandpa, ask You're like family attrition and you have to interview like an elder in your family and type it out. And so we had to do this freshman year. And I remember it was talking to somebody and remember who it was. And they were telling me how they were going to interview their dad for, uh, heritage, stuff

spk_1:   19:15
on percentages, vile, logical biological

spk_0:   19:19
stuff. And I'm like, Well, that's a great idea. You do that? What? I can only do that with one side. So I ended up going a different way and did something else. But I remember a strong questioning emotion like What's happening? Why why is it why am I? And then I started thinking of all the differences between me and my mom and and don't get me wrong. We're basically this inhuman. You

spk_1:   19:48
must be fucking arm were basically

spk_0:   19:50
the same human. But there are a lot of differences between me and my family,

spk_1:   19:56
and it is weird, like so both of us have that in common, too. Um, granted, I didn't stay with my mom, my biological mother, but I stayed with my my biological mother's family. So my mom's side, I couldn't ask her about it, but I could ask my adoptive mom, my grandma biologically and find out a bunch of information. But the sight of my dad, my family kind of like you. You have your dad denying that you were his my family. Because I started to get more and more pale. The more I think I avoided sunlight, the more I think they started to believe I was not Mexican. Yeah. So my original birth certificate has my Hispanic last name. I remember there being a lot of like, I'm over mine, honest, saying it a few times. I remember kind of in passing, hearing them say that they didn't believe that I was Mexican. So I had a general idea that I had a Mexican dad based on my birth certificate. But I also wasn't sure at all that that was actually my dad. Yeah, so I I had such a weird like, am I Am I Mexican and my white? Whatever. Yeah.

spk_0:   21:06
And I don't imagine you were that close with your birth mom at that time

spk_1:   21:11
because she didn't come back until I was nearly 16. Right? So you do you just Exactly. And unfortunately, moving on for some people can be moving on the wrong way. Yes, definitely. What I did. Yeah. I'm grateful that you did not go that way. Routes? Yeah, like I'm sure the inner turmoil was very similar. But you held your shit together. I tried, and I didn't do as great of a job that I had my moments.

spk_0:   21:38
Definitely where I lost it and had a mental breakdown. Owns. I mean, I really did like I would I would have a lot of anxiety, but I My family did a thing where we kept it behind our doors. So whereas now I'm open about having anxiety, I don't have it as bad as some people. D'oh! Gratefully for that. But it was. It was It was a thing that I had.

spk_1:   22:03
And there's no pain comparison. Especially when it comes to mental health anxieties, anxiety, whether it manifests, manifests in full blown panic attacks. Or you just get a little tightness in your chest and right get lost in what ifs and can't Can't do something that

spk_0:   22:17
I would get lost now. Kind of staying in my bedroom. And my parents would think she Okay, should we go in? I

spk_1:   22:23
imagine they were struggling like did you watch? This is us. No. Did we talk about this? We did. This is all we got on the conversation at a time, right? Yes, you told me. Told me Everyone's told me. Watch it. Watch it. Okay. No Spoilers, guys. Obviously, I only watched, I think, like, five episodes. My sister's got me on this. But seeing one of the things like the third episode, I think they show kind of the perspective of these new parents as they're bringing home their Children and an adopted child s o, they had babies and brought another one home with them.

spk_0:   23:01
Is this Sterling K. Brown? Yeah. Is

spk_1:   23:03
that so? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have this this this moment. I don't think this is spoiling really anything where they kind of they put all the babies in the cribs, and they're all kind of screaming and, you know, doing things babies do. And they both, like, press themselves up against the wall, leaned up against it and kind of slide down. And they just sit there and have this look of like, What did we get ourselves into here and then they kind of they have a little interaction with each other, and they talk about basically that. Like, what are we doing? What are we? Are we cut out for this? So that's like the perspective I'm super interested to get because we know our our experiences, and they very right. I'm so interested in I'm honestly gonna pick your mom's brain. Probably the next time I see her. Sure, she'll be willing to get a couple of cocktails. What? Saw a lady and a couple of weeks. Oh, man. So you started to feel like you were interested more in that side of your family when you were in high school? Yeah. Did you tell your family right away? No, no,

spk_0:   24:11
no, no, no, no. Um, I imagine this is a feeling that people in our situation have. I'm not gonna say that everyone has it, but I would imagine everyone has this feeling off. You don't want to ask because you don't want to upset them. And you don't want them to think that you're not happy

spk_1:   24:32
or Yes. So that was the hardest thing is I'm I imagine telling my mom when I was gonna go on me, Jill, I imagined her reaction, and it it hurt me to even think about it? Yeah, like a TTE that point. Jill had just come back when I when I was able to. Finally, when I came to terms with everything and decided I wanted to meet her and it was just we have spent our whole lives kind of with my mom being scared, she was gonna show up out of nowhere and seal us like she was terrified. She had a nightmare one time that, um, Jill showed up in a white car parked at the end of the street and stole us out of the front yard. So we're out playing the next day in the front yard. Not not knowing, obviously. But this had happened, and my mom comes like tearing out of the house like, nearly hysterical drags us inside. And there was just a white car parked down the street. He told me this I would be free. And I think about that now, Like I can only imagine how you feel. But that was one of the thoughts in my mind. Was that memory of the look on her face when she thought we were being stolen? Right? And I think I expected to see that same look on her face when I said I want to meet my my biological mother, I want to meet her.

spk_0:   25:43
I expect to see the look. I expect to see my dad cry. I just It seemed crying. Oh, whereas that it wasn't nearly what happened. No, no,

spk_1:   25:54
no. And like, there was there was some issues with my family that made it a little more awkward and hard because there was a lot of resentment there. Yeah, so it took a long time for Jill to be kind of a part of the family like she is now. Obviously were. It's wonderful, but I remember those feelings too. Like I I can't bring this up. I can't have her think that I'm not happy. I can't ever think that she's not my mom. Yeah, and I remember rehearsing in my brain so many different times. I love you so much. You're my mom. You'll always be my mom. I'm sure you had a similar thing going and brain like. Okay. How do I approach this? How do I let her know that I'm interested, but that it doesn't change anything? See, I was

spk_0:   26:32
lucky innocence that since my mom and dad divorced, and my mom was already remarried. I had the option to talk to my mom without my dad There doesn't, which made it a little easier. But they were always very friendly and very communicative with each other. So it was like,

spk_1:   26:52
you know, it was gonna go through. I knew it was gonna go through,

spk_0:   26:54
and they were always very transparent with each other when it came to parenting. Uh, so, um, I

spk_1:   27:00
think the first

spk_0:   27:01
time I ended up asking her was like, sophomore year, probably around the time I met you. Okay. And all I asked was if she had a picture. And she did. And I looked at him and I was like, What? Oh, yeah, I got his name. I got his official name. And how

spk_1:   27:20
long did you study that picture for? I

spk_0:   27:23
watched her where she put it away. So because we had a very small house five seconds from you. Um and I walked where she put it away when they left, when they would be out of the house, I would look at it.

spk_1:   27:35
I tour through all the old photo albums to find pictures of Jill when she was younger. And when I was in seventh grade, I found a picture of her from seventh grade. Oh, wow. And I was just like, What the fuck? Because I am. You can see some some similarities, obviously, Like, you know, my entire fucking family. You can see some similarities with me in my adoptive mom because she's my grandmother, biologically. So all of my other relatives, you know, people who would have been my aunts and uncles became my siblings, So you can see some of it. Yeah, but unlike them, there were some big differences. Like like Jill, my mom, Cindy. They're all super tall. Yeah. Tom Unite. We were the exact same height. Weight we didn't We weren't tall, like all the women and unbelieving there dudes in our family. So there was already that like Okay, well, that's a little different. And at the time, they were all string beings. Still So they were super tall, super super thinking that way have curves. And we had we have the thunder thighs, but they told us about tongue, and I was slapping each other on the thighs and saying like, clouds. Dale s so like I would see these things, and I would look and be like, Okay, I see these came from this side of that. So I studied that picture of Jill and I looked at all the pictures of her that I could find in the house, and I was like, Okay, we have the same hair way. Have we have the same fine hair? And I was looking at her facial features, and it's like the bottom half of my face. Yeah. Is that part of my family is my mom's side of the family. But then the rest of me, I was like, What the fuck? How do I have freckles? Why don't have dark hair. Why are Why are my eyes not blue anymore? Because I remember that was like, the second thing that Jill said to me when we met because she left. It was nearly a year old. Different? Yeah. She was shocked that they weren't blue anymore. Like I don't even fucking know they were. Blue ever happens. I didn't. I knew. And I knew that, like most babies were born fluids in the state for like, a couple weeks. Yeah, or sometimes longer. Okay, I thought it was always, like a short period of time, like weeks, months, something not like almost a year old. So I have no fucking clue. But that was that was so weird. And I'm sure you have that same feeling when you're looking at it like I see parts of my family. But also, like, what else is this coming from what made me look like this? Why do I burn like a lobster every time I'm in a sun

spk_0:   30:06
and they have gorgeous I love toned skin and the content and yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm so I'm Casper.

spk_1:   30:16
We're both Casper right now. Thankfully, I actually don't. I don't burn like that. Where you were covering the opposite there.

spk_0:   30:22
And I can't and my whole family, my whole family on my mom's side, every single one you know is tan. Yeah, and they have I mean, I have my mom's face shape. Yes, I have her laugh. Yes,

spk_1:   30:36
you d'oh! And her voice. E d'oh!

spk_0:   30:40
But I have blue eyes. They all have brown eyes and I have very currently very curly here. They all have sticks right here. And you know so And that's what he looked like he was pale with super curly hair and blue eyes. So I

spk_1:   30:58
was like, Well, there you go eyes.

spk_0:   31:01
But like, I didn't have the Oh, I don't even know if we I said this in when I was explaining my story. I will never have the option to be him. Oh, no, we didn't. We didn't Did not say that. Yeah, um, so they told me when I was seven. Um, the divorce when I was 10 and around the time they told me he ended up passing away. So he he was very From what I understand, he lived a tough life, so he ended up passing away. And so all I have in the pictures now and some research I've done on him

spk_1:   31:37
and the tenuous connection you had started to form with his family, which that's so disappointing, the way the tact, that all of that played out Yeah, well, really suck

spk_0:   31:48
when I will. It came to a front when I was thinking about having a child. I wanted Thio plan as I d'oh and I wanted to find out if anything, if I could possibly pass anything down on. I ended up connecting with his brother. Um, but his whole family either doesn't know about me or knows very little and denies it. So it's one of those games where it's like it's a part of me and always will be. And I'm okay with that.

spk_1:   32:19
Yeah. Oh, man, it's just it's so weird when you feel like you'll never get to know a certain part of yourself.

spk_0:   32:28
It iss that there's so many different adoption stories. Yeah, they're all so different, and you kind of become like a part of AA group. You look like a community, almost that you just

spk_1:   32:43
we'll think about. So if you were to ask any other person from our school, how many people do you know that were adopted? They might be able to think like, um and they're probably picturing ones where they don't look like their parents. But for us, if we were to stop and think, how many people do we know that our adopted I can think of, like, 10 off hand? Me too, people that you don't even really realize that it's happening and suddenly you make that one. You say that one word. Yeah, and they perk up knowing wait, are you adopted? See if it is so excited. Like cool. Let's talk about it. Isn't it crazy and weird and doesn't it kind of sucks sometimes Like a thing

spk_0:   33:18
like, I don't even know what to compare it to because I don't know of any other trait or anything like that that brings people together that quick.

spk_1:   33:26
Yeah, it really It really does feel like it's instantaneous and even now looks as I'm doing the research for this particular podcast. I'm talking to people who I might be interviewing. I'm talking to the parents and Thio like I'm speaking with someone who her daughters were adopted by her husband and it was the same thing. As soon as we have that conversation and that recognises recognition. I was adopted. Her Children were adopted. Suddenly, there was that, like, immediate spark so we could talk about this forever

spk_0:   34:01
for hours

spk_1:   34:02
for so long. Yeah,

spk_0:   34:03
I wonder how I hope that you get a good interview with that situation because that's I mean, I've talked to my mom, who was who is that young one? And it's just in the past 10 years or so, where she's really opened up since I had a daughter, and now she's sharing stories from when I was a kid. And she tells me things like, you know, because my daughter looks just like me. She's got she

spk_1:   34:29
does and she's so fucking she's

spk_0:   34:31
got the pails getting the currently here, the blue eyes And, uh, my mom looks at my daughter and things back to when I was a kid and she's told me she's been She was very, very emotional. Anytime she would look at me, she would be reminded of him. And remember, they were high school sweethearts. So even though it ended, she still loved him very much.

spk_1:   34:54
And your mom is such a She's such a lover in general. Even people who I think I can, like, hear her voice calling people names right now. But then her being like, Well, it's up to God now. Yeah, I don't hold anything against them. I have love for them lives 11. Yeah, when you're totally being, when she's wrong. I love because you wanted a minute, except for one. She's wrong. You know

spk_0:   35:22
what she is, and so that's gonna be tough. I mean, I can only imagine I'm only served to think of the other perspective as an adult. Yeah. Who has a child? Yeah, because I couldn't imagine. And

spk_1:   35:34
I mean, even this. Like you, you have a daughter, and at some point you're gonna have to explain this story to her. It won't be as impactful necessarily, but she's going to find out that her family tree kind of the information in her family tree stops at a certain point. It's so

spk_0:   35:50
funny, too, because it's kind of a little sidestep. But when even the simplest thing, like when you go to the doctor and they give you that family history form on, you only fill out the one side and then they give it back. Thio, you missed wanna my? And then you have to stay. No, I don't know that the automation it's coming like this weird, awkward thing.

spk_1:   36:17
I feel like there's a lot of situations like that where kind of innocuous questions come up or basic things come up and you have no choice but to explain suddenly that you're inducted, like for me, because I have so many siblings everyting adopted because I started out with me, Tommy and CJ, and when we got adopted. You know, we have all these older brothers and sisters. So from from when I was a baby, I was told I was the youngest of 10 right? And then I would in, like, grade school. Even I remember people would be like, How many brothers and sisters do you have is, like the beginning of school day, Like new classes on all the kids were like, I have three brothers and I have this and I'm like, I have nine. I'm the youngest of 10. And the teachers would always be like, Whoa, because they're imagining that my mom popped up 10 kids and a couple sets of twins in there. So they're like, Wow! And I swear, even as a young kid teacher still couldn't control themselves from asking No. Wow, did Did your mom have all of those know? What does that mean? Did your mom have all those? Why does that matter? I said I was the youngest of 10. Surprised as that question s so it's fortunate that they told us that that we were adopted at such a young age because I used to have to draw fucking graphs for people I would draw the like. This is my mom. This is my dad and then draw the little bubbles. He had these kids. She had these kids. They got married than her daughter. Ran away, left three more. So they she started with three. He started with four together. They had 71 left. They had six. Something adopted, three more so like it was it was a mess trying to explain my family situation to people or like how old is your oldest brother? Sister, like mine is 30 something and be like That's my age, though over the

spk_0:   38:02
years to I was telling you before we started over the years you come, you condense and you condense and be us to this little nugget of information that you tell people because it's just easier. You also just say this and be done with it.

spk_1:   38:16
I was adopted by my grandparents. It's a long story. Yep, that's pretty much where it goes. That's exactly it. Yeah, because otherwise I have to get into all the details like, Well, I was adopted by my biological grim mother, but not my biological grand father. Then all the

spk_0:   38:29
questions start like well, What do you mean? And how did that happen? It's like my gosh,

spk_1:   38:34
And like, curiosity is fine and all. I don't know that that I want the message of this cast to be like, Don't ask questions. Yeah, but I think I guess about why you're asking the question and what it might mean. Like the teachers asking me. Did your mom have all of those? What? What does that get? You were kind of acknowledge. How does that serve you at all? It doesn't help in that situation. I can't imagine any reason why they would need to know that information. I

spk_0:   39:02
have an open dialogue, but no. Your intent. Yes.

spk_1:   39:06
And then I know we've talked about this, and this is probably gonna come up a 1,000,000 times in this podcast, but I'll even let you say it. What is what are some of the biggest pet peeves you have when people find out that you're adopted? Um, sometimes

spk_0:   39:25
people will say, Oh, I'm sorry when they find out. Not necessarily when I say I'm adopted, but when they find out he's gone on, uh, i'll have to say it's fine. Like I'm good, you know, or Or sometimes I've had people say and they mean it, they don't mean it in a mean way. But it's how I take it those day figures or yeah, and now they'll do the thing like Like Bone

spk_1:   39:55
makes sense. Does that make sense? It doesn't make sense. It's that doesn't get

spk_0:   40:01
really. And then I get angry and defensive off my dad because he is who I'm very, uh, I

spk_1:   40:14
even you guys. I wish you could see the look on her face right now because I feel it. I feel the tension, like coming out, and I know how that feels. Doesn't

spk_0:   40:21
disservice to who raised me and they did a damn good job. So it's like, I don't want people to think. Figures.

spk_1:   40:31
Yeah, and like, make sense. What is it? Figures. What are you saying? I don't look like him. Are you saying I'm so different? Are you saying I'm fucked up in weird? And it makes sense that I had endured what you probably are interpreting his childhood trauma with reality like it's a huge deal over. Or people

spk_0:   40:48
when you say, if it comes up in casual conversation and you say I'm adopted sometimes what people will assume that it was a bad situation or something that happened. That was negative. And it wasn't all that negative. It was very positive. So I don't know. I think adoption is a positive thing in general. And I think people should have open dialogue and conversations about it, cause if there's not, people are just gonna assume these things over and over and over. But yeah, so pet peeves,

spk_1:   41:19
that's that's one of the things I could definitely see not liking. Is someone making that weird statement that's so generic that you could interpret it in a 1,000,000 different ways, depending on your mood? That day right away, they said it what they were looking at when they said it

spk_0:   41:32
right. Like are you looking at my eyes are my hair What are

spk_1:   41:36
you looking hat? Yes, yes, on that. So my biggest pet peeve. And I said this like where it's going to come up a lot because unfortunately, it happens a lot. I fucking hate when people correct me when I say my mom and they'll be like, Oh, your grandma Did I say my grandma bitch, Did I stutter? No, I said my mom If I am referring to my birth mom, I always referred to her by her first name. If I am referring to my parents, I refer to them as my parents. And if I say my sister or my brother, I don't mean my biological aunt or uncle. I mean, my fucking brother or sister because I was raised as the little sister I was raised. Knowing them as my siblings, I've never viewed them. Is anything different?

spk_0:   42:25
Why would you start now?

spk_1:   42:26
Yeah, so it pisses me off when people try and make that distinction for me. I really hate it. Really hate it.

spk_0:   42:32
I hate it for

spk_1:   42:33
you. I hated so much for yes on. And I just I think that's one of those things that comes up a lot. And I was corrected by that. Or people just say it in my school. And then as my parents started to age and it became even more apparent that they were probably not the right age to have had us as their Children and the fact that we were brown like they other people would just assumed they were like, Oh, your grand parents coming to pick you up like No, those are my parents. Look at your fucking forms, people. Yeah. Read your shouldn't understand. Yeah, I don't make someone

spk_0:   43:07
feel that. Is it a stupid comment that you can't control?

spk_1:   43:10
Yeah, exactly. And I struggled with so much self confidence and self worth and not knowing where I belong. Especially because of them, until Jill came back not being certain who my dad was. Right? So, like I said, I was thinking, like, pretty sure I'm Mexican, but I don't know, like Tiny and I we're basically twins. But she was brown. Yeah. So it never really made sense to me. And then even after seeing that seeing the picture of him for the first time and being able to put my face Lee next is a Yeah, okay, that's my dad. It's just it's so frustrating when people pick those relationships apart. Because that's

spk_0:   43:48
your That's your upbringing. Not dare you try to take that away from me. Yeah, that's my I'm

spk_1:   43:53
not trying to take yours exactly. Don't take mine.

spk_0:   43:59
Some people, some people, I

spk_1:   44:01
hope those come through really well, so people can just really tell Oh, so why when they say Well, so I went over the fuck I want to say. So I guess, um, what do you think was the hardest aspect for you of being adopted just in general? Yeah. What do you think? You've you've wrestled with the most what is serviced the most.

spk_0:   44:33
I think it's the sons of I'm always second guessing traits or attributes. Or let me take that back. I think the hardest thing is the not knowing and not having the opportunity to know. And in my situation, I get so defensive of my mom when it comes to that family that doesn't accept it. So I think the hardest part for me is, was when I started to reach out and get to realize they still don't.

spk_1:   45:18
And for what? That is it. It's basically they're calling your mom a liar and linger around here. That

spk_0:   45:23
right, and she has no reason to lie. There's there's no there was no in my situation. There was no reason for her to say to want him to be the dad. He didn't have money like he didn't. You know, he didn't have money, didn't have things that people would try

spk_1:   45:40
to your mom isn't the type, is not that either. So I could do that to try and like, trap someone or to hold a man. And if they were high school sweethearts, Motherfucker knew that dated for

spk_0:   45:48
three years. And it's like, Come on, people. So I think it's the tough part for me. Is that what I did start to research it? I did end up meet meeting his brother, and he was even very tentative, and he basically made it clear that the rest of the family doesn't want anything to do with me. And if I had a son who was no longer here and I knew there was even the possibility off him having a daughter or son on this Earth, I would do everything in my power

spk_1:   46:18
so looted get easy that I would want Oh, absolutely. So that's

spk_0:   46:22
kind of the toughest part defensiveness for my mom, and I never wanted them to be upset. So it's just a tough situation. I'm sure everyone else has different stories, but

spk_1:   46:39
that same feeling of I never wanted them to be upset just

spk_0:   46:42
yet. That's kind of a driving. It's like the constant in my entire story is I never wanted them to be upset. And the funny thing is that when I ended up talking to my dad about it, he was anything but

spk_1:   46:57
Oh, I'm sure he was just waiting for the day like, Oh, I guess she doesn't care. I guess she's all right. But just waiting. Expecting it, I imagined him like falling buckets of tears. Do you not love me? Am I not your father? And I not do a

spk_0:   47:11
good job? I'm like, man, that's all I imagined. I imagine getting angry and he

spk_1:   47:15
best what I pictured from my dad. The clothes is just fine with

spk_0:   47:19
it, you know? And I'm like, That was a lot of buildup,

spk_1:   47:21
right? Oh, my God, I paste this house. I went into Tonya's when I talked to her a couple of times about wanting to meet Matteo. I didn't meet him until after she had passed away, but I remember talking to her about it, and she was like, Man, I don't care. See, that's a

spk_0:   47:38
different dynamic. You had siblings who were going through the same thing. Totally different emotions.

spk_1:   47:44
Yeah, and CJ had a different dad right tongue. And I have the same one. He had a different one. And our understanding of his dad is that he wasn't the greatest dude. So he's in that same position where it's like he doesn't really know anything about that side of his family and has no real wait to figure it out right with me. Now you got me in my fucking had again thinking like I have been meaning to hang out with him. I've been I've been talking about it, but he doesn't speak the bus English myself. Just still poopy. So I gotta have Alex translate for me. And even now I'm fucking gonna be 32 I'm imagining like I still feel like I have to tell my dab Dad, I'm gonna go see him again. Even though I met him once. And I remember the first time I told him, You know my dad? Yeah. It's not the most expressive human like yours, except, I think expresses grumpiness more than yours. Yours that very

spk_0:   48:36
expressive in his grumpiness. But its so cute.

spk_1:   48:38
It is adorable. It's like the George. Why is it so cute? These grumpy lt's like the snow white grumpy like you can't help but love him. Yes, but I remember telling him that I wanted Thio meet my real dad. And I was, like, like pacing, you know, planning it all out. Dad, you're a great dad. Maybe things haven't always been good, but I don't hold anything against you. I love you. You're always gonna be my daddy. But I think it goes in with him. Just get out of there. Like, just like mumble were vomited at him and he was just like, Okay, when you recall that Well, okay. You know, I just wanna communicate. Like Like, what was that? Like, Why can't I think of the the show? Because he communicates and grunts, basically. Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm thinking of the tool show. Tim the tool man. Taylor. What time? Yeah. Oh, that's my dad. That's like how he reacts to things. I imagine

spk_0:   49:43
that our nervousness in telling are adaptive parents that we want to go see our biological families is the same nervousness that they go through telling us that were adopted.

spk_1:   49:57
And I imagine that they probably also have a lot of times where they think Is this the day that they're gonna ask about them? Or is this the day that they're gonna say they want to meet them right stuff? I'm gonna have to call him kind of avoiding him. But I need Thio because I realized, like, a week ago I don't know if my biological grandparents for my dad's side of life Oh, I know I've got a bunch of siblings out there in an ad that fucks with my head all the time And you look like them. Yes, and that's what like, Well, that was the picture that I'm personally. But that was my cousin. Oh, Mexico that we look like fucking twins. But like, he showed me pictures of my aunts and uncles that were still living in Mexico and my aunts I'm looking at it. And this is after I lost time. Yes, I'm just like holy shit. Like I I'm like seeing the future like this is what time and I would have looked like this. What I'm going to look like potentially like my aunt's. Like we that's where our shapes came from. That's where I came from. Like I saw our exact bodies, body size and shape on them. It's gonna be a trippy experience. It was so weird meeting him. It was so weird seeing all these pictures and seeing, like this whole family connection with, like, my face kind of floating around in there.

spk_0:   51:16
Remember texting you so much that day? You that meeting him so nervous, I think I can't say like, Oh, good, good. I had to

spk_1:   51:27
go there with me, which was really great. And she translated, Yes, that's great. But I still maybe I was, like, dumbfounded and in shock. I still don't have a lot of my questions answered.

spk_0:   51:37
It's shocking. It's It's you a part of who shuts down.

spk_1:   51:41
Yeah, I was like asking all the questions You can't. But all I could think of is like Okay, what? What else about family? What about my siblings? Right. I know what Jill said. I had some brothers. I think I have a sister even. But like he, he hasn't kept up with any of his Children, Unfortunately, so he wasn't even all that sure where everyone wants. Yeah, and that was kind of hard to hear when you're like, OK, I've got the connection to my future to my past, but the connection is so fucking because he doesn't even really know where his kids are. And I don't know how close he is. Even with his family in Mexico, I think he goes down there a lot to see them. I don't know if I had grand

spk_0:   52:19
parents. It's weird. It is tough. You kind of shut down. You get. I don't know what it is. It's like a wall.

spk_1:   52:26
Yeah, I definitely clammed up. I did the same. You go into it thinking this? Yeah, Like I'm fucking interviewing someone. I've got a list of questions. Why didn't you come back? Why didn't you fight for us? Why didn't you care? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? But instead, it was like, Oh, and tell me more about my family. Tell me more about what else? Okay, Cool. That's a

spk_0:   52:45
cool picture. It's almost like you're defensive angry yet you were wanting to be open and speak to an in person.

spk_1:   52:54
Yes. So we need to have that soon. We're gonna have to go and hang out with them. I still have so many questions. Yeah, and I really like I love to meet Maur of my family. And that's another question. That's like pressing on my mind now is are they gonna want to meet me is a care.

spk_0:   53:12
Uh uh, I I don't know. I think that the easy answer to that is stop asking

spk_1:   53:20
yourself, right, Because it doesn't have anything to speculate, does

spk_0:   53:23
nothing. It's not gonna give you an answer either way. So it's gonna be whatever it ISS. And that's super easy to say.

spk_1:   53:31
Absolutely now, years later, out of the throes of the emotional turmoil that I suffered as a result of this. Yeah,

spk_0:   53:42
yeah. We definitely had different routes with dealing with it. Yeah, And what's cool is that we still came together.

spk_1:   53:48
Yeah, like when we talk about our adoption and stuff. I wish I had known you when I was much younger and motive, and we could have talked about that stuff because none of my close friends were adopted. And, like, you know, I I was in that weird position, being one of, like, 10 Hispanic kids at our school. 98? Yeah, like, seriously And three of them were me and my sibling, right? So I was always in this weird position. We're like the lighter my skin got the different that the ship would kind of be different. Initially, it was all just like, mocking and racist, and then it kind of transitioned into mocking and raises. But they thought it was cool because I'm basically white. And therefore I can't get upset by Mexican jokes. Not easier, in a way. Yeah, in a weird way. Yeah, for other people think. I guess I could blend because of them. Show ended more than you're simply yes. So and I that's why. And this this will be an entirely different tangent. I don't want to go off on it, but that's why it's so easy to see privilege on. And I'm sorry. I got to say about white privilege for what it is because I fucking lived it. Yeah, I've experienced life as a little like, granted light skin, but a little brown girl and I've experienced life as a passing a white passing woman with very fair skin where if I don't tell you, I get the question. What are you I get the what are you? A lot? Because people see dark hair and fair skin, and I've had to ask a that and I was just about to say I know Italian does anyone of things? You think that the thing that always happens is people look at me and they say You don't look Italian. What are you? Why every question like whatever. And then, as soon as I would say it, I'd be like, Well, I'm half Mexican, but I don't know my Mexican side of the family. I was adopted and then the Mexican jokes start like immediately because I'm white. I don't speak Spanish. I'm not a real Mexican. So it's okay. Yeah, like that's literal shit that I fucking here. So I think I have more of an identity crisis because of how evident it was that we were all adopted.

spk_0:   55:58
Yeah, and it just it wasn't evident for me. It

spk_1:   56:03
was just Yeah, it was. It was so hard because of the way that Jill left, especially at for sure. So that's like a lot of my mental health issues. And I talked about this during my mental health streams, and it's it's something that we cover frequently because in reality, for both of us, nothing in our lives changed. When we were seven. Nothing changed. The Onley thing that changed was a tiny piece of knowledge that we didn't have before was introduced into our minds, and it completely changed us from within. And it's just it's just a little piece of knowledge, 11 fucking sentence that completely blew us like into this new realm where suddenly we're like, Wait, who am I? Yeah, and that that realization, that feeling that that struggle to figure out who you are as a young person is going through. You already don't know who you are

spk_0:   56:57
this on top of in. And if if if you don't have that, the outlet Maur the tools, really to communicate openly about it, it can be very reclusive.

spk_1:   57:11
And we didn't talk about our adoption too much. It was a little bit of a sore subject for a long time. Obviously know that Jill is back and everything is is kind of like out. It's different, but we didn't really talk about it much, so there was a lot of hurt feelings. There was a television, so when I wanted to talk about it, I would ask my nana a lot of the times, but I just I didn't really do it. I've talked to my older siblings. Sometimes the majority of the information I learned about my birth mom was not from my parents. It was from other family members, the majority of it. Unfortunately, the time was bad. It like she was a wonderful woman. Everyone, everyone loved her. But then it was reminders of all the things that went wrong. Like by the way, you know, she was on drugs. This is some of the stuff she did when she was on drugs. These are all the things. I think they wanted to really reinforce that idea. Like don't do drugs. Yeah, I'm sure. So they reminded us a lot about the things that went wrong with her. But that little piece of knowledge that I gained at a young age set this narrative that slowly shaped my perception of my world. And it told me that I was the reason why she left. So then, in addition to having the guilt that I had just in general, that my parents had basically given up their life to adopt us because they were on the edge of retirement, they were about to retire. And then suddenly they have three fucking kids. So I already had guilt watching them struggle. And then the more my mind took on this idea that I was the reason why she left, the more I took all that on me like I'm the reason why they're working so hard. I'm the reason why my sister and my brother didn't have their mom. I'm the reason for all of this, and it just it tore me apart.

spk_0:   58:58
Can't I mean, especially as a young person and you're trying Thio, File away these feelings in your mind and in your brain and your heart. And it's so tough. Especially when it's a family dynamic like that. Because people have they already have their story. Yeah, that goes along with it. And it's hard to see past your own story sometimes. So it's like I ca n't told I can 100% see how it affected you. Yeah, and as a person, I think that you handle it Well, I think I think you could have handled it a lot worse.

spk_1:   59:39
I mean, we unfortunate we've seen some examples of that. Yes, but I still I wouldn't say I handled it well, given all of the mental health issues that I had growing up, and I do think that there's a good chance that my panic disorders stemmed from that

spk_0:   59:57
without a doubt.

spk_1:   59:57
And that has been a fucking burden. So it's like sometimes on days when I'm really anxious it that that feeling just brings you right back to a different time of anxiety or panic attack. You remember your first panic attack. So I'm constantly, even though I'm like I said, I'm 32 now about to be. And I know that I'm not the reason she left. I still can't fully shake the feeling that I am because you had it for so long. Yeah, like, how do you completely just rewire yourself? Like, Oh, actually, no. She really did leave because she knew she couldn't handle it because she was so much Sun

spk_0:   1:0:36
had nothing to do with you or effect you had on her butt. You can't just shake that second. No, no, Something that will probably be with you forever.

spk_1:   1:0:46
Oh, yeah. Abandonment issues are fucking rial for sure. I have anxiety issues. I have self worth issues. Like there are some days where I still feel that super deep hate for myself. That I had as a kid. And this That's why I wanted to do this podcast. That's why I'm so excited to talk to you until all these other people for this. Because I imagine kids like us. Yeah, and I imagine them hearing this being like Okay, Okay. I'm not alone. Yeah, so maybe I don't actually hate myself. Maybe I just think I D'oh, Maybe this isn't on me.

spk_0:   1:1:19
Yeah, and there are so many kids like us now. I think about that too. Especially having a daughter. I think about it. I think about if she's gonna have friends that are dealing with similar feelings, whether it's regarding adoption or not. And that's why I can. That's why you say these feelings air, riel. They happen to a lot of people having open dialogue and being honest is, it can only help.

spk_1:   1:1:45
Yeah, you have to address root, cause you have to. I find myself asking myself why, based on almost everything, why do I feel this way? Why do I want that thing? Why do I think I need to go here or do this? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I want pizza. Yeah. Do I want because I saw a picture of it. So I want because I'm hungry. Do I want it Because I'm emotional and I feel like shoving an entire deep dish in my face. And I am really exactly No. Yeah. So okay, having having that thought in mind And like, I even have stats here that I found found her super interesting. Seven million Americans are adopted seven million American 1,000,000,001 70.5 million adopted kids in the US right now, as far as the stats that I'd seen on this site, I think that this was all still from adoption dot com or dot in that. And, um, did you Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption? The Wendy's Girl? Yeah, that Wendy's got no way they actually put a lot of work into education on it, which I thought was very interesting. They're trying to reduce stigmas so they do these big annual surveys and they distribute information like they want to encourage people to adopt. Had no idea I stumbled upon that. I was so excited, but I it was just fascinating reading through so money of thes because it's for Dave writes. Do I like to Frosty's I know I saw something. I think it said like like 11 out of every four people, like 1/4 People know someone who was adopted. That doesn't surprise, you know. And then I'm thinking like we were talking earlier, like I'm sure I know way more than that. But yeah, it's it's so common, And it's something that a lot of people don't talk about because somehow as an adopted person, you almost feel like there's a shame associated like I wasn't wanted before and I was adopted. Someone saved my life. I'm a pity case. There should be no

spk_0:   1:3:43
shame. Yeah, but you feel it, and it's I don't think there's a way to get around it. Other than being open and honest

spk_1:   1:3:51
and knowing that you're gonna feel that way and it's okay, it's

spk_0:   1:3:53
okay to feel that way. It's not wrong. It's not right. It's okay. Yeah, that's insane. I didn't think the number I

spk_1:   1:4:01
didn't either. I was looking at these stats just blown away Good. It's really fascinating. It really is. And I didn't I didn't know that adoptive parents can suffer from what do they call it post adoption depression? So it's the same essentially as postpartum depression. Wow. But adopted parents suffer that, and part of the things that bring it on are the fucking stupid questions that people ask about adoptions. Oh, are those your kids or, you know, like especially when you're dealing with families of mixed race, Then so it's It's the pressures of being a new parent in the same way that postpartum depression isn't says. Holy shit, My life has changed. I'm not sleeping. I gotta feed this kid. I gotta do all these other things. But in addition to that, instead of what a lot of families encounter when they have a baby where they have a support system and everyone is all congrats so cute you're finding all these people asking questions. How is it? How is the baby? Almost like It's like a separate thing, you know, it's exactly how it is when you had your baby. Yeah, so a lot of parents go into a deep depression, and they have a specific term for it. Post adoption, depression, Ph. D for the stress that they feel from being a parent and from all of the outside stresses that they

spk_0:   1:5:21
encounter. That's so I mean, I can see. I mean, I make sense,

spk_1:   1:5:25
right? But I know it makes me want to talk to so many more people about it. Makes you wanna

spk_0:   1:5:32
makes you think I shouldn't do it, because that's exactly what we're saying not to dio, but makes you want to go around and say you need to talk

spk_1:   1:5:38
to me. Oh, talking right. Well, that's what this is doing, though. Yeah, And And if you want to share your social media at the end of this, we can even say if you want to talk to either of us, hit us up. Um, but two, I guess, to wrap this up from your experience, is there anything else that you would want to say? Imagine a. We'll go with the kids first. Imagine a young adopted person is listening. What's one thing that you would really want them to take away from

spk_0:   1:6:06
this? I just don't want you to think I'm talking to you. I just don't want you to think that you're not normal or or worthy. You are worth everything you believe you're worth and

spk_1:   1:6:29
you're not a mistake. Not

spk_0:   1:6:30
a mistake. You aren't here for a reason they were probably most likely so many decisions that led to you being here for a reason. And you just have to believe that it's for the right reason. And

spk_1:   1:6:45
even if you were in poopsie, it doesn't mean you're a mistake. No, there's a very big difference between an unplanned pregnancy and you looking at yourself as a mistake as unwanted as someone who maybe just should not have been,

spk_0:   1:6:59
if anything, the whole of anything. I think what it should say next to the word adoption. And wherever you look it up is wanted. I love them. If anything, that's what it should say, because that's exactly what it is. You were wanted and it's proven. Yeah, just it's gotta be. I know it's hard, Thio, except it sometimes. But you are wanted No, that accept it and move forward with it. Yeah, and love yourself. Love yourself. There's so much to love their feet.

spk_1:   1:7:37
Okay, but not your feet. But be nice to my feet. Okay. So what about two parents? Um what would you share with parents of of of adopted Children? What do you think a parent could gain from your perspective on

spk_0:   1:7:55
this Oh, the parents. It's so I just I think about it and such a differently. Now that I'm a parent, I don't know how I could do it. I really I mean, it's tough, you know, things that you go through in your own mind. Um, from my perspective, I think that parents should almost do the same that I said with the kids, I know that. How about this? I know that they're going through stuff just like you. And while you may not understand their perspective, you have our perspective regarding the situation and be okay with that. Be open with it and talk. Yeah, and sometimes it's tough because it's a tough, tough topic to

spk_1:   1:8:50
talk about. It's a tough situation all around mission for both sides of it.

spk_0:   1:8:54
You just have to be supportive of the feelings that they're feeling, and they have to be supportive of what you're feeling. It's hard you can't step into your mom. She doesn't understand what she's going through. Your dad? No, but just know that there are different feelings and just try to be open and honest and communicate.

spk_1:   1:9:14
That was what I was about to add on the end of it and communicative because I think we both would have liked it if it had been Maur at the forefront of discussions if it had been normalized a little bit instead of it almost adding to that impression that we have that this was not something we talk about. This is a secret. Yes. There's something wrong that happened here. Our family is the way it is as a result of dysfunction.

spk_0:   1:9:38
If it was more of an open topic for me growing up, I would probably be more comfortable with it doesn't adult. And I've had to become comfortable with it in my own way. But I think that it's important for that to happen because if it's not, it's a closed door. Yeah, and some. And no matter what, a closed door is always open. Whether you open it, whether you open it with ease or whether it's bust down is your decision. Yeah. Yeah.

spk_1:   1:10:09
Well, huh? We started getting close there. I'm proud of us for not going all cry face. I know I saw you to Europe and I was like, Okay, and then I saw you here up and I was like, bitch No. I managed to hold it. And if you start getting emotional, this is done for you to do that first. I know. But then you did it also. And you made me. It made me almost really cried. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of us, too. Um, well, thank you for being a part of this. Really. I'm excited to share this with people. I think our stories are very different than the story of someone who was adopted. And there's no family ties. Right? And our stories are different than people who weren't adopted his babies, but instead went through foster care and were adopted.

spk_0:   1:11:00
That I mean, when I say there's so many for

spk_1:   1:11:02
so so money. And, you know, one of the people I might be talking to for this? I'm working on it right now, Anthony. Right? I want to get his perspective. He said he would be interested. So it's just a matter of, you know, obviously wanna make sure his parents are. Yeah, but, um, he's likely going to be a part of this podcast Flash. I know. I think I'm gonna cry on that one. I like. Okay, I just have to like, I have to be able to separate myself from it as much as possible and just be the interviewer and just my him because I am. Even though I am obviously related to him, I am super interested in his perspective because once again, this is This is a person who was adopted into a white family who is not white because he is Mexican, like us. And his dad was black. You share some, so yeah, it's that that concept of being the brown or the black kids with white parents is the really adorable Brown. Oh, my gosh. There's such beautiful, beautiful boys. Yes, but yeah, I really appreciate you being a part of this. And I think for fun, we're probably gonna have you back for more podcasts in the future because we talked about some different stuff and I think there's gonna be some place now that I'm getting a little schedule down eso in this last second. If you want to just share how people can reach you if they want to talk

spk_0:   1:12:30
Oh, my gosh. Wonder my social media's names? Um, I don't know. Okay. Oh, Twitter. Um, go with Twitter. Sure, uh, Twitter. It's Tae Dae Tae Dae. Yeah. I don't know why I changed it.

spk_1:   1:12:44
So is it? It's today. Today. Okay, Got it. Okay. I'll tag her when this podcast goes out to see you guys confined her. Um, so, obviously four people listening, Anyone who has been adopted, anyone who has adopted or if you were in close proximity to one and you have some insight you'd like to share, please feel free to hit us up. You can talk to Taylor about it. It's today. You can hit me up on social media, your welcomes to email me mind of snaps at gmail dot com. All my social media stuff is undermined of snaps. I do want to hear from you. It might not be something that goes into another podcast episode, but whether you just want someone to talk to or you think that my that I could use, I could benefit from your perspective. I'm super interested in hearing from you, so please don't hesitate to reach out

spk_0:   1:13:38
U s so thank you for listening to this week's Mind of Snaps episode on adoption. As I mentioned, I had planned for additional interviews, but we'll just have to schedule those for later podcasts instead. Sorry about that. If you'd like to discuss your adoption story with me, please feel free to come in and shout with me during my life. Streams on twitch. I strive to be as interactive as possible, and I love hearing other people's stories come share your story and join our great community to its full of wonderful people. You can find us at twitch dot tv slash, she snaps. I really hope you enjoyed this week's episode. And if you did, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast because it can help us to continue to grow and discuss more topics with more guests. If you'd like to support the efforts of the mind of Snaps brand, including providing more mental health resources and doing more podcasts, consider supporting V a Patriot. In There is even a Monday morning positivity podcast that goes out weekly to the pastry on supporters who choose to pledge 10 or more monthly that patriotic can be found at patri in dot com slash she snaps. Don't forget to follow me on Twitter and Instagram by searching mind of snaps and thank you again for all of your support. Have an amazing week and we will see you next time. Bye