Mind of Snaps - Positivity Podcast | Ep. 64 - "Let Go Of Why & How"

Welcome to "Let Go Of Why & How" - the 64th Episode of the Mind of Snaps Positivity Podcast!

This is a special podcast series that is separate from the regular Mind of Snaps Podcast, with a new release (typically) posted every Monday for Patreon supporters!

It is my goal to create as much positive & encouraging content as I can during these intense, uncertain times we're faced with. 2020 was so much more than anyone expected it to be, and nobody should have to take it on alone. The only way I can continue to do so, is with your help.

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Hang in there, friends... we're all in this together.

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Jessy (Mind Of Snaps / SheSnaps)

www.MindofSnaps.com

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Hello, my lovely friends. It has been a while since my latest positivity podcast. And before I jump into this one, I do want to warn you all that it may contain some things that could be triggering to folks who have dealt with trauma in the past. So, if you aren't in a good headspace to hear about dramatic things, please don't listen to this podcast. Instead, go take a little break and do something kind for yourself. And don't forget to stay hydrated. All right? If you haven't been following along on social media, or you haven't been able to attend a stream in a while, the reason I have been gone for so long, is because my family suffered two tremendous losses in the same day. A little over a month ago, my older brother took his own life, as well as the life of his youngest daughter, my nine year old niece. I don't know how to even begin to explain how painful this news was to us. And especially when you factor in the manner in which we found out what happened. It's just, it was awful. I won't be getting into any details on that. But what I will say is that the painful memories of that day, feel like they're permanently embedded in my mind now, and I don't anticipate them going anywhere in the future. couple years back, my dad died unexpectedly from a stroke. It ended up being my first chance to mindfully experience something that we will all go through at some point in our lives. And that's the loss of a loved one. I took two weeks off of work to grieve. And during that time, I did everything I could to bring myself to a point of acceptance and peace. Even though I anticipated that it would be a painful and challenging process. When my sister died back in 2008, it became clear to me that death, especially when it comes unexpectedly, can really turn your world upside down if not handled well. I was determined to not make the mistakes I did when I lost her was already struggling when she died and her death became my justification for sinking deeper and deeper into pain, despair and some frankly, horrendous coping mechanisms. I smoked a lot, I drank a lot and I basically stayed in bed most of the day. Either staring at walls or acting like I was watching whatever I was watching or whatever was on the TV at the time. losing her was hard enough. But my way of handling her death made my life even harder after I quit a job that I needed. Because I was angry that they weren't understanding enough to let me see her more while she was sick. And as a result, I wound up broke and grieving instead of just grieving. I was already struggling financially before then. And this put me in a position where I could barely afford to eat. My electricity and water got shut off multiple times. And occasionally I had family that could help bail me out. But most of the time I just had to go without my ex boyfriend and I wound up buying nothing but chicken and rice for a while because it was the only meal we can safely eat and share with our dogs. Since we could no longer afford dog food at that time. We ended up being evicted from the house we were renting and had to move into a small one bedroom apartment which like honestly, we were so lucky to have found at the time. And what had begun as a horrible experience became a much more awful and life changing experience because I then had to leave the house that I had previously shared with my sister. And I was not ready to do that. It took me a long time to rebuild my life again after her death a long time. So when my dad died, even though I was heartbroken, I didn't want to allow myself to succumb to the feelings that told me just stay in bed. Fuck doing anything. You're grieving your dad just died. Because I knew that while his life was over his life here at least from my belief system. Mine was not. I still had goals. I still had dreams. I still had plans for things that I wanted to accomplish in the future. And I refuse to give all of that up. Instead, I tried to remember All of the work I had put in over the past couple of years, I reflected on my experiences with using mindful practices, the incredible power of staying grounded in the present. And the way that a changed narrative can impact the way I feel long term. I took those two weeks off of work, and allowed myself to fully experience the pain of the loss. But I would watch it closely instead of just being in it. When I noticed the narrative begin to shift to things outside of my control, I would work to change it quickly. When I saw my brain tried to pull me into more sadness over all the moments that he wouldn't be there for, I would redirect it, and ask it instead, to help me remember all of the lovely moments we did have together. Our relationship was a complicated one, for sure, especially when I was younger. But I'm grateful that there were still plenty of happy memories, I could reflect upon. Practicing gratitude for the moments we shared, and for everything that still existed in the present moment, proved to be a powerful tool. I remember telling people after his death, that in the weeks I took off of work, I cried more out of gratitude than I did out of grief. And it was the truth. I sobbed and I'm bald from her last daddy. But I also cried my eyes out at how joyful some of our memories together were, and how beautiful life was even at that very moment. It was a truly eye opening experience. I've said often that joy and pain can live together in each moment. And my dad's death was evidence of that for me. I was sad often, but I could still smile, I could still experience joy, I could still see that even though I was hurting. It was okay to be hurting. And I, I was okay. In our society, we tend to be so pain averse, that we do as many things as we can to avoid feeling pain as it arises, especially emotional pain. I didn't want to do that. So I sat with that. Instead, I didn't want to distract myself from what I was feeling. Because all that does is attempt to cover up something that will surface again, whether I want it to or not. So I leaned into it instead, I really feel like that experience helped me to see what it means to really have to ride the waves of life. Because that's exactly what it felt like waves, waves of joy waves of pain waves of brief waves of peace, just this constant fluctuation at various time intervals. What I didn't know then, was that the experience the loss of my dad, and the memory of how I had previously handled the loss of my sister would prove to be important lessons that were able to better prepare me for what would come next. The day my brother and niece died. I went into support mode first. Looking back now I think it's safe to consider it compartmentalizing because I learned what happened. And even though I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor and sob, my brain pushed that aside and I feel like I basically went numb. My first thoughts were of my family of my sister who had just left our house for work only a couple of hours before of my younger brothers who were in different parts of the country and would also need to be told, and of the rest of my family and whether or not they had someone nearby who could be with them for support. I wasn't even able to cry. Initially, I was just not there. We left our house and went to pick up my sister from work, Alex nice, so she wouldn't have to drive home after hearing the awful news. And then she and I began the process of notifying people we needed to in the safest and most loving way we could. I think the majority of the first day was spent with a lot of numbness for me and for my sister. We wanted to make sure everyone else was okay and our breakdowns only happened late that evening. Once we knew everyone else was aware of what happened and knew that they were safely surrounded by either family or friends. At first, neither of us wanted to eat or do anything other than just sit quietly when we weren't dealing with family. But we slowly started pushing ourselves to eat small snacks because we knew that everything would hurt worse if we were completely energy depleted. So we started by sharing a sliced apple and slowly built from there while doing what we could to remember to stay hydrated. We even pushed ourselves to go for a walk that night with the dogs because we knew the fresh air might be beneficial to our struggling minds and bodies. That first night. I don't think anyone in my family slept at all. We were all hurting so bad and struggling with so many unanswered questions. The words why and how came up frequently? Why did this happen? And how did it happen? became the most common questions. A sometimes unfortunate habit of our minds is to answer the questions we posed with guesses. And sometimes those guesses can come in a very visual form. So each time a question was posed internally, the brain would send out a series of possibilities, and all of them were awful and incredibly painful. That first night, those visions were all I could see, the only thing I could do to bring myself back away from the horrors that my mind would offer up, was to repeat my unborn daughter's name to myself over and over like a mantra, remembering her was my saving grace that night. The next morning, it felt like my sister and I were both on the same page about how we wanted to handle things. We both love mindful practices, and have benefited a great deal from them, as well as from teachings, books and lectures from ROM das. So we did what we could to ground ourselves in those messages. We even rewatched one of his documentaries that centers around unexpected and traumatic deaths. We spent most of the first day in my bed together, watching those documentaries, crying, hugging and talking about everything. We did everything we could to refocus ourselves into the present moment, where our brother and our niece are no longer in pain. And we were still surrounded by so much love and joy. After that day, this phrase came to mind and I wrote it down immediately. Let go of why and how returned to here. And now I knew I wanted to reinforce this as often as I could. And since then I reflect on it frequently. When I feel my brain trying to figure out what's happened, why it has happened, or how it happened, I reminded that those questions being answered will change nothing, my brother and niece will still be gone. And further knowledge of the details are more likely only going to bring additional pain, the past can't be changed. What has happened to me and what has happened in your life cannot be altered anymore. allowing our brains to try to seek answers related to the wise into the house is an effort in futility. It won't change anything. And it only keeps us mentally stuck in the past. The past is only as real as we allow it to be here in this moment, it doesn't exist. All we truly have are the here and now. allowing our brains to push us into guessing what our futures will look like is also an unnecessary way to utilize our precious time. The future will be what it will be. And it's one thing to visualize it deliberately in a positive sense. But it's an entirely different thing to just let our fears and anxieties run the slideshow. If we if we're going to be attempting to predict the pains of our futures, why not push ourselves to predict some joy as well. Ultimately, the best things my family and I were able to rely on during our morning, all revolved around us being present, remembering that we still had each other, remembering that we still have a beautiful life on the way I'm currently carrying inside of me. reflecting upon how beautiful it is that in this moment, we still carry with us countless memories of our loss loves. We ate as clean as we could, not for dieting purposes, but to nourish ourselves. So we would have the energy to face our grief. We went for regular walks. we've pushed ourselves to keep a clean house and to care for our bodies through yoga and other forms of exercise. We allowed ourselves to just sit and exist in moments when it felt necessary. And then we'd get ourselves up and moving again, when we'd recognize that we were veering into the territory of wallowing. We didn't push away our joy. When we laugh or smile we'd welcome that joy in even though in a paradoxical sense, it hurt to do so. We read books and journaled, colored and painted, listen to beautiful peaceful music and even played some video games to get other this was mindful grieving for us and i'll be forever grateful for the experience even though it hurt like nothing i've ever felt before and still does so my friends it's time for you to take that phrase and apply it to your own life your own circumstances in what way is your brain trying to get you to address questions where the answers truly don't matter and won't change anything is your mind trying to tell you that you must find out how you got to this point before you can carry on if so release those questions instruct your brain to let go of why and how and find some way to return yourself to the here and now here and now is where you live and it's filled with countless possibilities for you take some slow deep breaths pick a mindful activity and go or stop and meditate for a while to see where that brings you or what it shows you remember that your brain is a wonderful servant but a horrible master don't let it rule you do what you can to stay grounded and remember to give yourself a break as you do life is challenging but it's also beautiful and even though there are going to be some days where you feel like you are not enough i want to assure you that you are you have made it through all of your worst days so far and you can continue on there will be more pain yeah but there will also be so much joy and so much beauty allow it all in and then choose where you want your awareness to stay let go of why and how returned to here and now you've got this my friends now take a few deep breaths drink some water and get back out there so you can continue to manifest dope shit