#105: 3 Ways Self Improvement Is BLOCKING Your Growth!

Discover the surprising ways that self improvement might actually be hindering your growth. Whether you're invested in therapy, marriage therapy, counseling, life coaching, reading self improvement books, or listening to self improvement podcasts, there are 3 bad habits that not only keep you from the change you desire, but may also block your progress!

Listen in as Jenny Morrow, MS, MFT and Bryce Bauer, who have over 30 years combined experience in the therapy and coaching fields, talk about how to avoid the self improvement pitfalls that are keeping you from creating the life you truly want.  

Do you want one FREE month of Advanced Relationship Coaching? Click here to learn more: https://www.jennymorrow.com/studiomembership

Interested in individual coaching or couple coaching to advance your relationships (starting with your relationship with yourself, and expanding out to your other important relationships): https://www.jennymorrow.com

Jenny's new book: "Mastering Boundaries" is now on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CPCTKBLZ

Bryce's new book, "Men In Marriage" is now on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CNX18WP3

Transcript

Transcript

0:00
Bryce and Jenny here today we're going
0:01
to be talking about three ways that
0:03
self-improvement can actually cause harm
0:06
and not help you how did you get
0:08
involved in personal
0:09
development well I'm laughing cuz I
0:11
didn't really choose it as much so my
0:15
story goes like this I really struggled
0:17
when I was a teenager by the time I was
0:19
a freshman in college I was in a
0:22
substance abuse treatment center for
0:24
drugs and alcohol and I I wouldn't say I
0:26
really chose to be there I really
0:28
struggled through High School
0:30
I was arrested I was kicked out of
0:32
school didn't get good grades was in a
0:35
lot of trouble with my parents we had a
0:37
really terrible relationship through
0:38
that time so by by the time I was a
0:40
freshman in college my life was just a
0:42
mess and after a bad car accident my
0:44
parents set up an intervention with a
0:46
therapist that I had been meeting with
0:48
and off I went to a 60-day Wilderness
0:50
Therapy Program for Young People ages 18
0:53
to 25 once I got there I was somewhat
0:56
engaged I mean I really didn't want to
0:58
be there but I started to pick up on
1:00
some things and I realized that I I
1:01
needed to change my life probably the
1:03
biggest aha that came out of that
1:06
experience was that I realized that I
1:08
wanted to work in this field like having
1:10
gone through my own struggles and seeing
1:12
the people that were there to help me I
1:14
wanted to be one of those people I
1:15
wanted to be on the other side I would
1:17
say that was my first introduction to
1:19
therapy and self-development was my own
1:21
struggles with with mental health and
1:22
drugs and alcohol that motivated me to
1:24
go on to work for some of these programs
1:27
so when you and I met Bryce you had been
1:29
working with personal development for
1:32
almost 10 years by that point when we
1:34
met you started to become also
1:36
interested in relationship development
1:38
talk a little bit about how that
1:40
happened yeah so even though I was
1:43
somewhat getting my together as an
1:45
individual I was still involved in
1:48
really toxic romantic relationships I
1:50
had a few through my early 20s that
1:52
really did not go well and after my last
1:55
bad breakup I went traveling I lived
1:57
overseas for a while and when I met you
2:00
I would say you were probably my biggest
2:02
inspiration to start doing relational
2:04
work because you were educated on
2:06
relationships um and we started seeing a
2:10
counselor together probably six months
2:12
into our relationship and that's when I
2:14
realized that there was this whole area
2:15
of self-development that I really didn't
2:18
know much about and really had I needed
2:21
to experience a lot of growth in so I
2:23
think being in relationship with you
2:25
learning more about it that shifted my
2:27
whole career path from helping people
2:29
people get sober to helping people in
2:32
their relationships that's very cool so
2:34
how would you describe the difference
2:36
between individual personal
2:39
self-development and relationship
2:40
development well there's a lot of
2:42
overlap I think the the main difference
2:43
is like when I'm in a relationship with
2:46
with someone and specifically when I'm
2:48
living with someone I know that that
2:50
brings up a lot of stuff that might not
2:52
come up when I'm just living as an
2:54
individual so when we got together I
2:57
started realizing there were more
2:58
triggers that were coming up uh more
3:00
feelings and we had to communicate
3:02
through those I couldn't just leave and
3:03
go back to my house because we were
3:05
together um so I think the difference is
3:08
that we there's a lot more that's shared
3:10
when we're in relationship and we have
3:13
to have a lot more conversations because
3:15
I can't just leave and go do my own
3:17
thing which is what I often did as an
3:19
individual I was I was someone to be
3:21
like all right I'm just going to run
3:22
away and go into the woods um and
3:25
process this on my own so doing it in
3:27
the presence of you um is is a different
3:31
type of art it's a um it's just a much
3:34
different process and I can talk a
3:36
little bit about I think Jen's having
3:38
trouble trying to identify how she got
3:39
into self-improvement so I can give you
3:41
my take on it yeah I was just trying to
3:42
explain it and I kept stopping so Bryce
3:44
is going to give you his perspective I'm
3:46
going to tell you all whether yeah
3:48
whether you're right so after Jenny went
3:51
and got her Bachelor right after high
3:53
school and she bounced around I think
3:56
you had like 20 some different jobs
3:57
right and none of them really felt like
4:00
a good fit you didn't stay there for
4:01
very long and then at some point you
4:04
realized that you wanted to go back to
4:05
school and do something different and
4:08
that's when you went to Utah State and
4:11
decided to do a Therapy Program yeah and
4:13
I don't know what went into that
4:15
decision- making process but I think
4:17
Jenny's always been someone who loves
4:19
relationships and loves learning about
4:22
how the mind works and she loves talking
4:25
about theories so I think probably some
4:27
of that fit into what you were
4:29
interested in so oh yeah that feels that
4:31
feels very helpful actually and thanks
4:33
for carrying some of that weight right
4:34
there and remembering my story because
4:36
to be honest I actually forgot about
4:38
that like that didn't even pop up that I
4:40
had like all those jobs after college
4:42
and I was like none of these feel like
4:43
the right fit and then how I started to
4:46
get more interested in that personal
4:47
development path and helping other
4:48
people as well so thanks for remembering
4:51
that I actually I that was something I
4:53
hadn't even thought about relationship
4:55
development for me kind of went right
4:57
along with that and that was because I
4:59
was really more interested in how to
5:02
create really good connections and deep
5:05
authentic romantic relationships that
5:07
was always something I'd been more
5:09
interested in than probably anything
5:11
else so it was really exciting to know I
5:13
could actually go study and learn about
5:16
this through the lens of a science and
5:18
an art and how to actually create those
5:20
kinds of experiences well I I would also
5:23
add too that you it seemed like you also
5:26
struggled in relationships not really
5:28
getting the love that you wanted and you
5:29
thought that you'd get married at an
5:31
early age and by the time you were like
5:33
26 and weren't partnered and weren't
5:36
married uh that motivated you to learn
5:39
more about relationships and go into the
5:41
marriage and family therapy program is
5:43
that right oh yeah definitely it was
5:45
after I became a therapist that I went
5:47
in and had my first therapy and coaching
5:50
sessions with other people so it was the
5:52
first time I ever became a
5:54
client of like a formal
5:57
self-improvement paid process where I
5:59
was paying someone actually help me and
6:01
that was just a really incredibly moving
6:03
experience in the sense I actually felt
6:04
myself starting to grow and move and
6:06
evolve so I actually felt myself step
6:08
out of some of my own confines and my
6:10
limitations in my mind and I started to
6:12
see things through a different lens and
6:14
school started that process but actually
6:16
being a client and having someone help
6:18
me with my personal stuff really started
6:20
to expand that yeah that's good I mean
6:23
sometimes people have a major pain point
6:25
that brings them into self-development
6:27
sometimes maybe you kind of end up there
6:28
by accident have some interest but I
6:30
find that once people find themselves
6:33
here they they don't want to stop okay
6:35
so we dive into the three ways number
6:37
one way that relationship development
6:39
self-improvement can cause harm is that
6:42
you don't know your self-development
6:44
limits so have you ever had an
6:46
experience Bryce of feeling like you
6:49
didn't know your self-development limits
6:51
and having it impact you in a negative
6:53
way well I think I really get
6:55
hyperfocused on wanting to fix things
6:58
wanting them to feel better so
7:00
I'll I mean I think sometimes when we
7:02
get into things I can sit on the couch
7:04
and talk for a couple of hours and
7:06
sometimes that's not the best move I
7:07
need to go decompress process take care
7:10
of myself in some way or just take a
7:12
breather so that I can come back and be
7:14
more resourced so in that way I'm
7:16
thinking about like exercise it's like
7:19
exercising for 4 hours might not be as
7:22
good as exercising for one hour because
7:25
if you're pushing yourself too hard uh
7:27
you might cause some damage to your
7:28
muscles um you might just be doing too
7:31
much and then you can't come back and
7:33
stay consistent and do it on a daily
7:35
basis if you're pushing yourself past
7:38
what your limits are I've been a yoga
7:39
teacher and often one of the things I
7:41
have to remind my students is how to
7:43
assess their Edge because if they're not
7:46
efforting enough there won't be much
7:48
growth or change but if they're
7:49
efforting too much it can cause injury
7:51
so there's this line between those two
7:54
places when I was training in mixed
7:56
martial arts there were times when I
7:59
would feel myself have a little bit of
8:02
an injury and if I didn't give it time
8:04
to rest and I kept going back in the gym
8:05
over and over just re-aggravated it so I
8:08
think that's a good metaphor yeah and I
8:10
like that idea of rest too because I
8:11
think that's another area where this
8:13
applies is being able to give ourselves
8:16
time to rest and enjoy the fruits of
8:19
what we have done so that we're actually
8:21
experiencing the joy of the progress
8:22
along the way because there really is no
8:25
end to personal development and
8:27
relationship development there's always
8:29
more Evolution that can happen so if we
8:32
aren't able to rest and enjoy the fruits
8:34
of where we're at then that can also be
8:36
a problem yeah and I'm thinking about
8:37
how this can look you really want to
8:40
feel better you want to resolve some of
8:42
these traumatic experiences that you've
8:44
had and maybe you're like well if I just
8:47
Journal harder or go to more therapy
8:49
sessions or meditate more or fill out
8:53
worksheets maybe this will resolve it
8:56
quicker and that's not always the case
8:58
sometimes it really takes time time to
9:00
process what you're going through so
9:01
that you can hold whatever's happening
9:04
so more is not always better when it
9:06
comes to self-development and and I
9:08
think that there's this trap that people
9:10
get into where uh there there can always
9:13
be more that's done and people can start
9:15
to judge themselves uh based on their
9:18
their own progress right like you see
9:20
this whole world of things that you can
9:22
attend to and things maybe need to deal
9:24
with and there's just not enough time in
9:25
the day to be able to deal with all of
9:28
this so you when you start to judge
9:29
yourself I think that can also cause
9:31
harm number two you use self-improvement
9:34
and relationship Improvement to beat
9:36
yourself up or criticize others this
9:38
relates to what you talked about with
9:40
judgment and I felt that myself where
9:42
it's like I need to figure out why I get
9:44
so triggered here and then I start
9:46
judging myself about that and then I
9:48
feel depressed or I feel frustrated and
9:50
then I'm not able to show up very well
9:51
for my life anyways because I'm so
9:54
focused on what I'm not doing right or
9:57
where I still have to improve this is
9:59
more likely to happen when you don't
10:02
understand psychological safety and
10:04
that's one area of relationship need
10:06
that Bryce and I work on a lot with our
10:09
clients both our individual clients and
10:11
then our couples that we work with he's
10:12
talking about how do you show up in a
10:13
more psychologically Safe Way in your
10:16
relationship with yourself and in your
10:17
relationship with others what that takes
10:20
is actually learning about what is
10:22
emotional neglect and what is emotional
10:24
abuse and there's both more intense
10:26
layers of that and more subtle layers of
10:28
that then you can start to notice notice
10:29
when you're doing it to yourself when
10:30
you're doing it to others yeah and I'm
10:32
thinking about we see this a lot with
10:34
couples when they're first learning the
10:35
skills this is a rule that I often bring
10:38
in is your partner gets to make mistakes
10:40
as long as they're trying often what'll
10:42
happen is you'll learn a skill like
10:44
reflective listening or validation or
10:46
curiosity and then you'll blame your
10:48
partner for not using the skills
10:50
effectively and they'll defend
10:52
themselves and they'll say well you're
10:53
not using the skills effectively and
10:54
then you'll start to argue about how
10:56
each of you isn't using the skills
10:58
effectively that doesn't help anybody to
10:59
create a fruitful learning environment
11:02
you need to be able to make mistakes and
11:04
try the skills out and being judged by
11:06
your partner for not doing it right is
11:08
just another layer of criticism that can
11:09
erode the emotional safety in the
11:11
relationship so it's just something to
11:13
pay attention to especially if you're in
11:15
a relationship because you're trying to
11:16
learn this together and it can be clunky
11:18
at times you can make mistakes or not do
11:20
it right if you start blaming your
11:22
partner for that they're not going to
11:23
feel good they're not going to want to
11:25
keep trying with you you need to be a
11:28
safe space for your partner to practice
11:30
these things with you I love that and
11:32
I'm just having memories of times that
11:34
even us as relationship professionals
11:36
I've struggled with that I think we
11:37
struggled with it together at times a
11:40
little bit more I think before we
11:41
learned as much about the psychological
11:43
safety piece I think that really helped
11:45
us right I think that's part of the
11:47
process and people will often ask
11:49
because we're both coaches they're like
11:50
do you guys coach each other I'm like at
11:52
times we can right like it's really nice
11:54
to be able to turn to Jen and be like
11:56
hey will you help me out with this thing
11:57
or vice versa and we can do that that
11:59
for feeling safe with each other but
12:00
there are really subtle ways that you
12:02
can weaponize the tools and blame your
12:04
partner for not doing it right and that
12:06
can create a whole another layer of
12:07
circular arguments that don't feel good
12:10
so yeah we've been there it doesn't
12:11
really happen anymore I think we're
12:13
really on to ourselves here if I'm
12:15
telling you you're not doing it right or
12:16
you're telling me we know that that
12:17
really doesn't work and we need to go to
12:19
the core of the issue which is like
12:21
there's something here that needs to be
12:22
understood and maybe using the tools
12:26
isn't always the best way to get to that
12:28
sometimes there's something like if I'm
12:29
wanting Jenny to understand me on
12:31
something and I want her to use the
12:33
tools to do that but I don't really
12:35
fully understand myself and what I'm
12:36
going through or I'm just in a bad mood
12:39
let's say there's no amount of tools
12:41
that Jenny can use that are going to
12:42
help me and I have to be able to
12:44
recognize that Within Myself so there's
12:46
definitely a layer of differentiation
12:50
that we need to acknowledge that like
12:52
I'm responsible for my experience yes
12:54
Jenny can help me feel more safe but me
12:57
Bryce as an individual I'm responsible
12:58
for for that and then I can ask for what
13:00
I need and Jenny may or may not be able
13:02
to give it to me at any given moment and
13:04
we can do this dance but I'm the one
13:06
that's
13:07
responsible and it's so helpful to hear
13:09
you talk about it because I have had
13:12
moments where I felt almost trapped like
13:14
I'm supposed to be able to help him here
13:16
if I could just validate right if I
13:18
could just this or that and I'm like I'm
13:20
doing all the
13:22
tools so that's yeah that is probably
13:25
part of our pattern is Jenny might want
13:26
to try to help or Fawn and if I'm in a
13:29
weird mood or not understanding myself
13:31
she'll be leaned in trying to help and
13:33
then I'll start feeling like what are
13:34
you what are you trying to do I gave her
13:36
this metaphor once that it feels like
13:38
you're trying to push me up a ladder and
13:40
like I'm not ready to go up or something
13:43
and I think that made a lot of sense so
13:45
sometimes it does take Jenny kind of
13:47
backing off and giving me some space so
13:49
that I can figure out what's going on
13:50
with me and it's also my responsibility
13:53
to come to her and let her know what's
13:56
happening because that will calm her
13:58
nervous system and it's also helpful for
14:00
me to verbalize it right and like really
14:02
face a head on and not ignore it okay
14:04
number three you hold on to the belief
14:07
that self-improvement or relationship
14:09
Improvement will quote save you that
14:12
somehow it's going to make you more
14:14
worthy fundamentally of being alive
14:17
having love having power in the world
14:21
the way that I describe it here is while
14:22
self-improvement and relationship
14:24
Improvement can help you experience the
14:26
truth including experiencing your Poe
14:29
worthiness it doesn't change effect or
14:32
give you that worthiness so having
14:34
worked in the helping profession
14:36
specifically this is one thing I've had
14:38
to really watch is that I don't believe
14:41
that me helping is somehow makes me more
14:43
worthy I don't believe that my own
14:45
self-improvement makes me more worthy
14:46
and I don't believe that me helping
14:47
others improve makes me more worthy
14:50
there's something called compassion
14:51
fatigue and this is something that a lot
14:53
of people in helping professions
14:54
experience or maybe even parenting too
14:57
yeah parenting is a big place probably
14:59
compassion fatigue in parenting
15:00
especially with little ones yes and I'm
15:03
thinking about this idea that sometimes
15:05
people that are into self-improvement
15:07
will prop themselves up and kind of
15:09
posture and say like you know I'm doing
15:11
it right and that can have other people
15:13
feeling like they're inferior or they're
15:15
not doing it right so it's just a choice
15:17
like if you want to do self-development
15:19
work it's a choice it's a path and it's
15:21
okay if you don't want to go on that
15:23
Journey if you want to take breaks I
15:24
have lots of people in my life that
15:26
aren't into the same things that I'm
15:27
into don't really want to have super
15:30
deep conversations and that's okay like
15:32
I can choose to relate to them however I
15:34
want to and I can still be close to them
15:36
and be friends with them and still find
15:38
Value in those relationships and I don't
15:40
think that they're any less worthy as
15:42
people just because they're not
15:43
interested in learning about this stuff
15:46
I think we need to be mindful as people
15:48
that are interested in self-development
15:50
that we're not better than anyone else
15:52
this is just one path that we're
15:53
choosing I mean I think it's a very
15:55
important path and I think it will help
15:57
the world but we can can't get people to
16:00
see things the way that we see them and
16:02
that's part of I think becoming like a
16:04
fully embodied integrated whole
16:07
individual is realizing that the world
16:10
is okay as it is people are okay as they
16:12
are everyone has worth no matter where
16:14
they're at in their Journey just a trust
16:16
in that and it doesn't mean that we
16:17
can't hold our desires firmly it doesn't
16:20
mean we can't ask for what we need but
16:23
it does mean that we respect everyone no
16:25
matter where they are and no matter what
16:27
their desires are in terms of the
16:29
self-improvement journey I like that Jen
16:32
if you interested in individual coaching
16:35
couple coaching or our group membership
16:38
where we have courses and we do a couple
16:41
group coaching calls each month then go
16:43
to the website listed in the description
16:46
all right thanks everyone okay bye see
16:48
you next time