A very bad day actually gets worse for Alex Luci Angel and Sharrow May. How can you end up in a garbage shute, whilst being pursued by the Russian Mafia? Well, its something that only Angel and May could do, with some help from their feisty secretary Kris.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
A very bad day actually gets worse for Alex Luci Angel and Sharrow May. How can you end up in a garbage shute, whilst being pursued by the Russian Mafia? Well, its something that only Angel and May could do, with some help from their feisty secretary Kris.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
EPISODE 1 - WHERE OFFERINGS FELL
INT. BAR
(SLIM)
BAR SOUNDS
SLIM
Well howdy folks my name is SLIM
and you'll find me propping up the
small bar at the Retrograde Inn.
Now this here inn is in New London
in the Asteroid Belt, the year is
2075, the story I'm about to tell
you is about two detectives. You
know folks, we all good days and
bad days, but these two detectives,
they have a run of bad luck that
would surprise even the most
hardened gumshoe. Anyway you don't
want to hear me drivelling on, you
just want to hear me start the
story. How come two people so
unmatched in their character end up
owning a detective agency . To
find out what cements them
together, we need to go back to the
very beginning at boarding school.
INTERVAL
INT. BOARDING SCHOOL.
(SHARROW, ALEX, HEADMASTER, CARTE, CIS CONTROL)
ECHO CORRIDOR
CASE CLOCK
TICKING
SHARROW
Dam it, it can't stand that thing
ticking away, tick tock the timing
of doom, each second closer to our
whipping!
ALEX
Here let me help! I've got some
stuff, which is always useful.
CHEWING GUM
SOUNDS
FOOTSTEPS
ALEX
Gum on the pendulum its a few grams
but thats all it takes, that'l
screw it up for sure!
TICKING STARTS
AGAIN
SHARROW
Oh clever. I see it now, that'll
screw the clock but better still it
will mess with that bitches insane
need for punctuality. She won't be
able to figure out why it runs
slow. Thats a brilliant move right
there. I'm Sharrow May.
ALEX
Alex, Alexandra Lucy Angel. Sooo,
what are you up for?
SHARROW
Hum a (pause) 'chemically' induced
incident.
ALEX
'Chemically induced incident',
sounds delicious but poisonous?
SHARROW
More explosive if you get my drift,
managed to blow up both the new
fume cupboards at the lab. Never
really liked chemistry.
ALEX
Go gurl, off you go then! Always
hated Chemistry myself, except for
the sections on the dangerous
stuff. In those I was a quick
study.
SHARROW
What did you do?
ALEX
I hmmm, 'disabled' the kitchens.
SHARROW
So that was the whoop bang sound
this morning.
ALEX
Thats me, whoop girl! Wasn't
supposed to be so big, just got out
of hand thats all. The gas line on
one of the ovens got ruptured.
SHARROW
Ahhh, food was bad anyway. A little
destruction can't make it worse.
Hell, probably make it better.
LAUGHTER
ALEX
We'll see about that, anyway it's
cold cuts for the next few days.
SHARROW
You do know this means lots more of
that asteroidal spam don't you!
ALEX
Yeah, sorry about that,
consequences of war and all. So
I've seen you hanging around, with
those goofy Sidereal girls, whats
the story on that.
SHARROW
Ahhh, just hanging, got to hang
with someone in this place
otherwise your a no one. What about
you, I heard something about your
parents that accident on titan,
some girls were talking about that
last month.
ALEX
Yep. They gotta talk about
something thats for sure.
SHARROW
Sorry didn't mean to pry, don't
want to bring back any bad vibes.
Our butts are going to be bad
enough as it is.
ALEX
I heard some rumors of similar
nature about you.
SHARROW
Rumors! Well I kinda just got
passed around, never really had
proper family. Mum split from Dad
when I was three, Dad went off
world, C.I.S. Special circumstances
division, I think, he would never
say. Mum had alcohol issues, she
took to the bottle whilst he was
away all the time.
I had a Grandma, she kinda looked
after me, but I was a handful, so
eventually it was up to this place.
At least you are one step up on me.
ALEX
Why's that?
SHARROW
Well you had parents which were
taken from you, I never really had
them in the first place.
Seriously, both are shitty options.
Its just a bad world out there.
DOOR
HEADMASTER
Miss Sharrow May, in my office
please.
ALEX
Hay if he says it hurts him more
than it hurts you, just don't
believe that line of cudgel.
SHARROW
Shoose, she'll hear you!
ALEX
Lets meet up after, I have some hot
choc sachets, they fell, into my
pockets in the kitchen. I know-a
real good place to hole up, we can
compare welts right!
SHARROW
Ok, just make sure there's
cushions. Its funny but I feel like
I've known you for a long time, I
think were going to be friends!
DOOR
HEADMASTER
Miss Sharrow May, I do not have all
day.
With a frightened look, Sharrow heads into the office.
INT. BAR
SLIM
Oh that really makes me saddle sore
just thinking about it!
So to get a better measure of these
two characters and the state of
play at their agency. We need to
understand a typical day at the
office.
TRANISTION HOOK
(SLIM, KRIS, GUNTHER, SHARROW, ALEX)
OFFICE AMBIENT
DISTANT RAIN
CITY AMBIENT
KRIS
You don't have an appointment.
Whats the problem?
INTERCOM CLICK
GUNTHER
Is this the office of Angel and May
investigations?
INTERCOM CLICK
KRIS
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Here's
a little question for you. Look at
the door, what does it say?
INTERCOM CLICK
GUNTHER
Look lady, you think you're so
smart. You going to let me in or do
I have to come back with a sharper
sense of humor and a warrant.
INTERCOM CLICK
KRIS
(Puts on a Watson Voice) Ah, as I
deduced Holmes, the subject was not
particularly smart and physically
quite unattractive too, his
eventual demise was inevitable.
(Kris changes her voice slightly)
Undoubtedly Watson, you powers of
observation are improving!
INTERCOM CLICK
GUNTHER
Look lady cut the pissy
theatricals.
If you don't open the door missy,
I'll give you a an applause you'll
never forget!
INTERCOM CLICK
KRIS
Names not 'Missy', buster and not a
single atom of my soul needs
validation from you. So imagine the
level of my concern for ya (chewing
loudly). Go on try and open the
door!You look like someone with bad
intentions, so spare me the oh so
tedious architecture of your soul.
If you won't tell me why you need
to get in here, you ain't getting
in here, got it.
INTERCOM CLICK
GUNTHER
Look we can go around this verbal
loop all day long, but sooner or
later you going to have come out to
pee. I know the ladies, is down the
corridor see. So, we going to play
cowboys n' Indians all day
Pocahontas?
INTERCOM CLICK
KRIS
Oh so now you're a racist, as well
as an idiot!
(SLIM, KRIS, GUNTHER, SHARROW, ALEX)
INTERCOM CLICK
SHARROW
Alex can you hold for a second I
need to speak with Kris about
something. Got someone banging on
the door. Kris is having entirely
too much fun toying with um.
INTERCOM CLICK
SHARROW
Kris, (pause) Kris can you come
through.
INTERCOM CLICK
KRIS
Shas, What's up! I have a dude
trying to get in, looks dodgy!
Enjoying having some sport!
INTERCOM CLICK
SHARROW
Yep I could hear! So look at this,
what do you think of this message
that arrived this morning?
DISTANT RUMBLE
OF THUNDER
KRIS
Isn't that your bad brother?
SHARROW
Yep, not heard a wink for seven
years and then this, somethings
changed?
KRIS
Thats weird.
SHARROW
Yep, my thoughts too, can't get
over the bastard. You know he took
me to court over the will, then
after all that, I walked past him
after the hearings, he just
completely dead eye me. Straight
past like a zombie.
KRIS
Jeez, that would really, really
piss me off for sure. I don't get
it, why does he want to meet now?
It does add up!
DOOR KNOCKING
SHARROW
Thats exactly what I thought!
DOOR BANGING
KNOCK
KRIS
If you want my advice, forget about
him.
DOOR BANGING
KNOCK
KRIS
Will you stop! Shut the F up with
your banging!
DOOR BANGING
KNOCK
SHARROW
Aaah, (pause) better let him in
before he breaks down the goddam
door?
KRIS
OK, but (puts on a silly voice) we
was hav'n sooo much fun. You know
he's going to serve a writ don't
you, it written all over him?
SHARROW
Yep, got that figured, but going to
have to deal with it.
DOOR CLOSE
LOAD THUNDER AND
RAIN
SHARROW
Alex, sorry about that, we have a
prick beating down the office door
I was enjoying listening to Kris
sparing, brightens up the day!
Whoah this rains coming down! Is it
raining at the stake out? Its sure
pissing down here. Just give me a
min. I'll sort this end out.
FIELD RADIO
NOISE
ALEX
No rain here, sounds like black
clouds over your way though!
FIELD RADIO
NOISE
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Kris, has he stated any intention
yet?
INTERCOM NOISE
KRIS
Nah, got a mean look on his ugly
little face though.
Look at those swivel squinty eyes,
determined thou, definitely a
writserver, other than that I don't
think he's dangerous. Not packing
according to read outs. Nothing we
can't handle.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Ok, hit that buzzer. He'll just
stink up the door for the rest of
the day. Its just not a good look,
also I need to pee.
DOOR
GUNTHER
At last!, No thanks frauline. (In a
really sarcastic tone) Thanks for
the pleasure. Question for you
frauline. Need to see a Miss
Sharrow May or a Miss Angle, are
they around?
KRIS
Don't you cheek me, I'm not your
frauline, it's miss, a big miss, to
you. My mama said I shouldn't talk
to strange men, and you look kinda
coaky, but seen'n as how your
stinking up my desk, what were
those names again?
DOOR
Sharrow pooks head around from inside her office
SHARROW
OK buddy, I'm Sharrow, what do you
want?
GUNTHER
Miss Sharrow May, you're duly
served by order of district court
of Los Angeles County, this is an
eviction order, you have 30 days to
pay up or you are gone from this
shit hole of an office.
SHARROW
Thanks buddy, now get your sorry
ass out of here, we'll help you out
if you want.
GUNTHER
I'd like to see you try, bitches,
have a nice day.
DOOR
KRIS
I bet he beats up on his partner,
uggh, yuk! Ugly son of a bitch. You
look a little ragged this morning,
not your usual self, its not that
writ is it?
SHARROW
Oh, Oh no I don't care about this.
No, its just life. A whole lot of
things, the email from my brother,
and this latest job, it doesn't
feel right! However, you did do a
number on the idiot, thats lifted
my spirits somewhat! Well I better
get back to Alex, she enjoys
hearing about our adventures.
KRIS
I bet she will.
DOOR
Sharrow picks up comms device she was talking to Alex
SHARROW
Alex sorry for the interrupt, we
just got served for the back rent.
Had to call off Kris, she was
winning!
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Right on, go Kris, one for the
team! So Shas, is it me, or is this
gig, really wrong! My guts are
grumbling bad, and its not the
sandwiches. I don't know why but I
feel like were being played.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Well, the 'client' was a little too
keen perhaps. Other times I
wouldn't have given him a look in,
but we need the bucks. Hell I hate
taking jobs because we have to.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Know were your coming from there,
look I'm outa here, need a shower
and some decent grub. I've stuck
some camera's about the place, so
I'll call in later
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Rog on that!
TRANSITION HOOK
SOUND OF KEYS IN
DOOR
INT. ALEX & MARIE'S HOME
(ALEX, MARIE, FELIX)
ALEX
Hi honey I'm home! (sarcastic)
FOOTSTEPS
ALEX
Whoo Ho, that smells... good.
MARIE
Hi, honey, is my big girl working
all tough, digging the coal down
the mine, bringing in the bucks,
come over here and wash off the
dust and I'll have dinner on the
table in ten minutes.
ALEX
Really?
MARIE
In your dreams baby!
ALEX
Oh, I got my hopes up there for a
second! Ahhh! I totally need a
shower and a good neck massage.
FELIX
Meow.
ALEX
Hello my big furry tiger, she been
making funny smells all day has
she?
MARIE
She's been hanging around all day,
I think she likes the smell.
FELIX
Meow.
MARIE
So this stake out, borings good
right? Billable hours!
ALEX
Yep damm billable hours. Hmm, what
have you been cooking up in your
witchery ways!
KITCHEN SOUNDS,
PANS
MARIE
I call this one 'Clear Skies' it's
a subtle mix of five active
ingredients, all top secret of
course. Don't ask, cos I know you
will, this baby is strictly on a
need to know basis and if you find
out I'll have to kill you!
ALEX
Well it smells real encouraging,
hum, just like you, specially after
a long hot, sooo boring, stake-out!
MARIE
Well if you like you can be my
chemistry girl rat for that neck
massage, should 'loosen' you up, if
you know what I mean.
ALEX
Ohh! I like the sound of that, ...
but hold that thought, my sexy
chemist, I'm going to splash some
water first.
MARIE
Hum that sounds aquatically
interesting!
ALEX
You wan-a play mermaids?
MARIE
What gurl, you calling me fishy?
LAUGHTER
TRANSITION HOOK
EXT. WAREHOUSE EXTERIOR
(ALEX, SHARROW)
EXTERNAL RADIO
NOISE
ALEX
Sharrow, come in! Hi I'm back on
point, all freshened up though,
squeaky clean and ready to go, like
a new girl guide! Camera's all
zilch, nada, nothing.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Eew, this is so boring. Hay, you're
lucky you just caught me. I
wandered out to check out that new
Thai place, its sooo good! So how's
MARIE, all squeaky clean now?
(Slightly sarcastic)
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Hay you know I'll never be clean,
you know me! MARIE's really good,
says to say hi by the way. She's
been playing chemistry sets,
brewing up her mixes again, came up
with something that urgently needed
testing.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Oh yeah! I'll bet! You down wind
from the location!
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Yah, its so stinky I think can
smell you from here! Something
weird happened though.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Shas, you OK, you sound a bit off.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Sorry Alex, just thinking, its
weird, you think you're all over
these sad memories and then
suddenly, bam! All this talk of
scents, just took me back to
Steve's terrible after shave.
You're lucky, you know that don't
you?
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Yah, yes, I really do, sorry
Sharrow I know its been a few years
since you lost Steve, but its still
tough for you.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Yeh, seems like things been a shaky
lately. Then we had to take this
crappy job.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
OK, I know, but Sharrow, I'll
always have your back!
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Yeah I know. (sounding sad)
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Shas, sorry to interrupt. Your'e
not going to believe this!
INTERCOM NOISE
TECHNO BINOCS
ALEX
Two ugly sucks just getting out of
a flash car. They can't see it but,
get this, there's some disheveled
dude trying to get out the back of
this warehouse building. Looks
kinda panicky. Hard to make out
details, theres a damm tree in the
way.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
OK, thats weird? Be careful, this
is just a view no action deal,
right. The client was clear on
that, seemed a bit skittish too.
You on record and monitor?
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Copy that, think, I'll just move up
a little to get a better angle. How
much do you know about this client?
The operatives from the car, they
have mob written all over them,
definitely.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Hmmm, not to much, I did some
checking, turned out he was a
lawyer for an expensive firm. It
smelt a little, stinky, but you
know, can't be fussy nowadays.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Understand. I'm going mobile to get
a better angle for the recordings.
CAR DOOR EXIT
FOOTSTEPS ON
GRAVEL
TRANSITION HOOK
EXT. WAREHOUSE
(STAN, RICCI)
FOOTSTEPS ON
GRAVEL
STAN
Did you see the match last night?
RICCI
Ludicrous form, actually damm
ludicrous across the board, the
attack was just pathetic, made me
wanna cry.
DRY COUGHING
STAN
Huh, these F'ing rolls, dry as
hell. I'm sure that bitch gave me
the old ones. Need to wash them
down with something. Did you bring
the booze?
RICCI
You know sometimes I think your
you're even dummer than you look,
you just can't stop mouth'n off.
She obviously decided you'd shut up
if you'd be chow'n on yesterday's
bread.
Thug 2 laughs at his own joke
STAN
Well boss, just trying to blend in
like you said, be personable like.
RICCI
Yah, well I didn't count on your
winning personality. Next time
might be advisable you just shut
it.
WAREHOUSE DOOR
STAN
Shit, what the hell. Where the hell
is he? I cable-tied him tight and
used tape as well, how the hell did
he get free.
RICCI
You dumb smerlap, your gonna get us
both killed. Look he must have had
a pocket laser. Did you look for a
laser?
STAN
(Mimicking) Did you look for a
laser. Course I did. Well ass hole
if we can't find him we are
definitely toast man, you know how
he is. Jesus, man, it was supposed
to be an easy snuff a bang job and
you screwed it because you can't
even tie up a dude.
KICKING CHAIR
RICCI
Working with you is always a real
pleasure STAN, I'm going to punch
you out someday.
Making a noise and cursing is not
going to save your neck. We need to
find him double quick now before
the boss finds out.
FOOTSTEPS
STAN
He's not over here.
RICCI
What about the back room.
STAN
What about the back room
(mimicking), you think?
TRANSITION HOOK
EXTERIOR CITY
SOUNDS
EXT. WAREHOUSE.
(RICCI, ALEX, SHARROW, STAN)
RICCI
Oh, you, Freeze!
ALEX
Uggh! Son of bitch!
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Alex you Ok?
INTERCOM CLICK
ALEX
Yep, just peachy.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
What's up?
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
I've torn my damm new jeans, thats
whats up. I'm going to kick these A
holes so hard. Wait one, Guys
baring down, wait , wait, Oh damm.
STAN
Oh! You! Freeze!
ALEX
Dam it, you dum gumshoe Alex,
always in the line of fire! OK lets
test this flechette.
FLETCHETE AIMING
NOISE
ALEX
Come on, come on my bee babies!
PISTOL SHOT
ALEX
Son of a bitch. Come on, come on,
light the targets. Ok, now we find
out who has the biggest gun!
FLETCHETE SECOND
ROUND
STAN
Argh! What the hell!
ALEX
Got ya! Oh that looks painful! Now
I know how Robin Hood felt.
RICCI
F You! Do you know who, you're
dealing with bitch!
ALEX
Hold still you dicks, it will only
hurt more!
GROANING
PROTESTATION
ALEX
Wash your mouths out, oh I'll do it
for you. Guess what, I'm not full
of little arrows am I now? Thats
for ruining my jeans you ugly
bastards, next time you squeeze off
without looking, make sure you're
not trying to kill the wrong
person.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Shas, come in, can you register,
two armed assailants to the cops
and get them down here. They
squeezed off at me without any
confirmation. Make it clear, I
fired back in self defence.
Make sure the cops know that right?
Another got out the window at the
rear and legged it. Ran off towards
west gate, I can't pursue as I'm
dealing with the two pricks who
went for me. Perhaps the cops can
pick him up, blue shirt torn, dark
hair, black trousers 5'7"sort of
swarthy.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Roger, got that. You OK? Call going
through immediately.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Yep OK, out of breath from the
excise. Note no DOA's here,
reluctantly used non lethal
flechettes.
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Roger. You should hang around, get
the pics from the camera's to the
cops. I really don't want our
license revoked and you know how
they get the nickers in a twist
over live fire situations. I'll
give Fred a call down at Central at
least he'll let you have a coffee
and hold them off as little.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Roger that. Think it will be best
to show them all the video?
INTERCOM NOISE
SHARROW
Yep, lets be clean on this, full
disclosure.
INTERCOM NOISE
ALEX
Well OK Then, see you soonish.
INT. OFFICE ABOVE NIGHT CLUB.
(SOKOLOV, STAN, RICCI)
DISTANT
NIGHTCLUB THUMP
SOKOLOV
So please be explaining to me, how
our target got away and pay
particular attention, to this, how
you say, this 'warrior women' who
shoots at you fools. Yes be very
clear on that particular point.
STAN
Boss she was waiting for us, we
came around the corner and she shot
us with arrows.
RICCI
It was over in a second, we were
down and the bitch came over and
tied us up and called the cops.
SOKOLOV
So did this woman say she knew
about what we were doing? How did
she overcome two men?
RICCI
Looked fairly handy with a large
gun, moved like ex military. She
was talking to someone else on a
comms set, like it was a planned
operation.
SOKOLOV
A planned operation, you mean that
they were working for the
opposition?
RICCI
Yes a stake out maybe. We were set
up. She was medium height, looked
about 50 I guess, not young. She
was muscly though.
STAN
Don't kill us boss, we did our
best.
SOKOLOV
Ahh, you are truly pathetic. This
is the third time you have let me
down, you understand.
You know we don't like untidiness,
its not the way we play. Hold them
boys.
STRUGGLE
Ricci and Stan are injected and die horribly!
DRY COUGHING
SOKOLOV
Remove these fools, tidy my office.
Send three teams to these private
investigators, who are working for
the opposition. My Police contact
gave me this Venice beach address.
So boys, its important you make a
statement even though they are just
pawns in a bigger game. Eradicate
them and destroy their office, that
will show the opposition that pawns
will be removed in the same manner
as players.
TRANSITION HOOK
INT. THE AGENCY OFFICE.
(ALEX, KRIS, SHARROW, SLIM)
DOOR
ALEX
Ahhh, Gurl I really, really need a
decent coffee, where's that
coffee?(sounding tired)
COFFEE MACHINE
ALEX
It's been a long day. Ohh, thats
smells good. Say wanna know the
good news?
COFFEE MACHINE
KRIS
Let me guess, you pulled a naughty
gun gurl!
ALEX
I did, and better still it actually
worked! Only problem is now its
used I need a name for it. Hmmm
something beginning with M, Marion
perhaps, after Maid Marion, no I
think its more matronly.
"Mildred" sounds good, after my
dear old Nana, she used to kick
ass. Mind you it was mainly mine.
KRIS
I'll bet. Mildred, so militarily
sensual, I can see marching and
medals, lots of them!
COFFEE AVAILABLE
VOICE
ALEX
I hate those cops, you know it took
two hours in processing, those
jerks down at central, acting all
high and mighty. Pretended not to
know me. Those office jerks can be
real arseholes, I think they just
hate us for getting some action.
KRIS
Maybe it was your good looks and
winning personality!
LAUGHTER
KRIS
So this 'Mildred', she looks kinda
dangerous?
ALEX
Shush, you'll hurt her feelings.
She's a bit of an old gurl, real
throw back, a kinda lazy, hazy,
crazy gun, from my more 'energetic'
days in CIS. Officially its a H&K
I.D.S. Fifteen dash thirty power
Flechette rifle.
KRIS
Ohh really, well that sounds so
soldierly of you. The IDS sounds
like the old tax man. What's she
do, tax you out of existence?
ALEX
Shush, cut it out, she's very
easily hurt, you'll be grateful for
'Mildred' one day. IDS means
independently, deployed and
steered, just in case you want to
expand your mind!
KRIS
My mind is fully expanded due to a
misspent youth, thanks for nothing!
ALEX
It's a little monster that fires
these little arrows see.
KRIS
Ohh, they look so sharp. So you're
now officially our Robin Hood!
ALEX
Thats us gurl, stopping all those
nasty 'Robbing Hoods'. See you
first point the aimer at the
target. Its a little bitty infra
red laser, they can't see it but I
can with the sweet view finder.
KRIS
Oh that sounds disco, sexy to me.
ALEX
Well then, you must be right, disco
sexy it is. We get to dance some
too. I pull this thing here and all
these bad girls come out to play
see. They'll go round corners an
all!
KRIS
Puts the 'base in your step', as
they say ha!
ALEX
Certainly does. Pulls this and It's
disco time at 'Rancho Robin Hood',
where I'm the hero, your Maid
Marion and the bad guys are making
like a tree full of arrows. Bish,
bash, bosh. Add some post party
disco lights and its story over,
red rover. Score: Bad Sheriff of
Nottingham zero, hero one. Course
it's banned in all civilized
countries, and all over really,
which is a bit of a downer, I had
to bribe one of the cops to look
the other way. They outlawed it in
2025 after the riots. Proved kinda
tetchy in crowds.
KRIS
What a bummer, who doesn't like a
disco queen, with a bass beat magic
gun.
ALEX
Yep, guess its the kinda dance that
even the authorities didn't like.
Cramped their authoritarian style.
KRIS
They never like cool music man, its
a conspiracy!
LAUGHTER
ALEX
Mind you I had to wimp, just a
sleeper charges, very non terminal.
Oh yes Krisy Kringle my good
friend, this disco queen can be a
very, very, very bad girl at times.
DOOR
SHARROW
Are you two are quite finished.
KRIS
Just talking disco with Alex she
likes to dance I think.
SHARROW
Oh she likes to dance alright but
not the way you think Kris! Alex
have a look at this. So whilst you
two queens have had a love in, I've
actually been working. Made a few
calls around about and as I
suspected, things aren't as simple
as they appear. The contact at
central, was quite skittish, really
warned me off the whole case. You
know I always said the guy who
dropped this pile of doo doo was a
'back birth'. Well it looks like he
was involved with the Krabbenhoft's
or the Russians, either way they
will be real pissed off and come
after us. What the hell is that?
ALEX
What, Oh that, slight nick that's
all, don't panic, all cleaned up.
SHARROW
I'm not panicking, just don't want
you bleeding all over my floor,
especially with those dodgy disco
moves.
ALEX
Well firstly its OUR floor and
secondly I don't have the energy to
bleed like that!
So, these bad guys, sounds like
either the Krabbenhoft's or the
Russians, but experience says
they'll definitely come for tea.
Question is do we get out the bone
china?
SHARROW
Yep, definitely bone china. If they
come calling, we were picked
because we would be an easy cut
out, also they always smell
desperation.
ALEX
Well if they are coming for tea we
need the full tea set.
SHARROW
Kris I think you should start learn
about our "F' protocol.
KRIS
'F' protocol whats that?
ALEX
Actually she means the 'F' off
protocol, door locked, blinds down
desk away from line of site etc.
SHARROW
Makes no odds Kris they'll hunt us
down, better here than anywhere.
Alex call MARIE, tell her to go to
her Mum's immediately.
ALEX
I was thinking the same thing
KRIS
So you really think they will come
calling?
SHARROW
Don't know really, but we might be
the meat in the sandwich. It is
better to be safe than sorry.
ALEX
OK I have sent her the emergency
code.
SHARROW
Smart girl that MARIE. Alex what do
you think should 'Malcolm' come out
to play, 'Mildred' might need a
boyfriend?
ALEX
I do think 'Malcolm' would very
much enjoy a dance.
KRIS
Who the hell is Malcolm? You guys
always speaking cryptically!
ALEX
Oh you'll see Kris! He is the disco
queens bad boyfriend, the one that
the parents do not approve of! One
things for sure, he sure loves to
dance!
SLIM
Now its at this point I need to
interject because there's one vital
point I forgot to mention. Imagine
a bad pharmaceutical company, what
sort of things would they get up to
after all they have lots of cash
and biotech, but it all needs
testing.
TRANSITION HOOK
INT. THE AGENCY OFFICE.
(ALEX, KRIS, SHARROW, SLIM)
TENSION MUSIC
ALEX
Kris can you move that desk a
little I need a little more room
for 'Malcolm' here.
DESK SCRAP
KRIS
Hows that?
ALEX
Perfect, now I just need to steady
the tripod and get the angle right.
GUN SET UP
SHARROW
I never like that damm carpet
anyway.
ALEX
Yeah the carpet will be the least
of the redecorating!
(sarcastically).
KRIS
Thats an auto gun isn't it.
ALEX
Good guess, yep a little bastard,
up to 1500 rounds per minute,
electrically driven from these
batteries, gets real hot though so
I usually program bursts and you
have to feed the beast, which is
the dangerous part. If it jams it
could be real bad. Its all greased
up thou so no worries and I have
the remote laid out so we'll be
good.
SHARROW
I have put a concealed camera at
the window and have hacked the
lobby camera's for extra coverage.
What worries me is the exit
strategy.
ALEX
Yep that's a real bother to me as
well, we only have one way out, if
they cover that its a bust. Its
also down stairs outside the
building not cool for a fast exit,
they could just set up to spray
that and its game over.
KRIS
I have an idea for that, do you
know about the old waste disposal
shaft, its very stinky but it leads
straight down to the basement.
Perfect for you guys! Its boarded
up after they converted these to
offices.
ALEX
Hay, you going to have to use it
too! So where exactly were is the
entrance can you show me.
FOOTSTEPS
KRIS
Its about here behind this drywall.
ALEX
OK stand back, I'll get the fire
axe.
FIRE AXE MEETS
DRYWALL
SHARROW
Alex two black vans pulling up
outside.
ALEX
OK got that. Kris grab these bins
and get them ready to put in the
back office, can you grab the sand
buckets in the fire closets and tip
them into these bins, get as much
in as you can I'm going out to
check the other offices and case
anyone inside.
SCRAPPING
BINS,DOOR
ALEX
Hello, hello, anyone in, hello,
hello.
KNOCKING,DOOR
ALEX
OK coast is clear, lets get to the
back behind the sand bins.
MOVEMENT
ALEX
Sharrow can you see the monitors
from behind the bins with kris?
SHARROW
Yep, two guys exiting with black
bags, two groups one lot going
around back of the building. Five
minutes and they'll be here.
CUPBOARDS BEING
PULLED
ALEX
Sharrow any change.
SHARROW
There are out of view of the window
cameras, I guess they are
cautiously ascending the stairs
wells, it's what I would do, I'm
switching to the cameras in the
corridor.
ALEX
Roger on that. So heres the plan,
we let them get them right up here
to the door, we will let them try
and break in and then I'll give
them a small spray, that will
remove team A. Then they'll have a
team B of course and they'll hold
back, once they see their buddies
having a bad day, they open fire
and move out, I'll give those guys
another spray as well, after that
we will be outa ammo, they'll try
and get us from the back direction
of course, but before that we
skedaddle down the waste chute and
go to ground. OK?
MUFFLED VOICES
SHARROW
There in the corridor (whispered),
I can hear them.
ALEX
OK, you ready to dance you
bastards? Look there's four of
them. I bet there is another team
holding back as well.
TRANSITION HOOK
INT. BAR
(SLIM, ALEX, KRIS, SHARROW)
SLIM
So let me interject here, just
wanted to warn you folks what is
about to happen is real bad stuff,
its the sort of thing cornered
animals will do. After all their
fighting for their lives!
INT. ANGEL AND MAY'S OFFICE
(ALEX, KRIS, SHARROW)
ALEX
OK, ear plugs in and get those eye
protectors on you two!
KRIS
OH I'm scared!
ALEX
You're scared, well I'm scared too
but here goes.
EXPLOSION, MINI
GUN, SPLINTERING
WOOD, SCREAMS
ALEX
Start feeding the belts
SHARROW
Jeez end of the world, that thing.
ALEX
I need to fit the second ammo belt,
cover me Sharrow.
GUN RELOAD
SHARROW
Roger that.
ALEX
Get in you bastard!
SHARROW
Alex get back here now.
ALEX
Kris thats belts tangled, fix it
will you, push the red button down,
I'll move the joystick.
KRIS
Sorry, sorry!
ALEX
Its OK, Kris, its good now. OK Get
ready!
GUN, SPLINTERING
WOOD, SCREAMS
ALEX
Come on guys, get into the back
room. Get that protection on you
arms and legs we need it for the
chute.
SHARROW
Hell it stinks! Urgh OK I'm in I'll
start to make my way down, don't
fall on me. Alex you OK?
ALEX
I think so.
SHARROW
Argh. Oh shit!
DESCENDING CHUTE
ALEX
OK Kris get in here!
KRIS
You're sure?
ALEX
Never been surer, get in here now!
DESCENDING CHUTE
KRIS
Ohhh ugh!
ALEX
Go on Mildred, go down on the rope,
ahh!
DESCENDING CHUTE
ALEX
Ahh, ahhh, this is slippery as
hell!
KRIS
Ahhhh!
ALEX
Watch out Kris I'm coming!
END