Things can get weird, surprisingly quickly when you're decanted into an Avatar, with one leg longer than the other. Doily also has a stump of a day.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
Things can get weird, surprisingly quickly when you're decanted into an Avatar, with one leg longer than the other. Doily also has a stump of a day.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
S1 E9 - LIVING ON LAY-BUY
INT. RETROGRADE BAR
(DOILY, GANDER, SLIM)
SLIM
We've been chatting for some time
now, so I've got to feel that I
kinda know you all. As you
probably guess, I spend a lot of my
time propping up this bar.
Something about it makes me feel at
home. Now just parked here, I see
folks a coming and a going all day.
I Have a nice chat now and again,
but in this Asteroid you've got to
be real picky about your friends?
The genuine friends I mean, those
you can open up to and those that
you really trust. Like most folks,
I count them on a single hand. Not
my good hand mind, the one with the
missing pinky. They know where to
find me. Now old DOILY over there,
she's got a solid gold heart and a
go get um spirit. Course I've known
her for a long time
(takes a sip of red
rocket)
Since she were just a dirty little
street kid with blazing eyes.
Turned into a strong woman now
though, makes me proud, brings a
tear to this old cowboys eyes. Mind
you when she walked into the bar
the other day, grubby spacesuit and
hair all a-mess like, I had no idea
the adventures me and my Lassiter
be hav'n.
SOUND OF
ENTRANCE INTO
THE BAR
DOILY
Oh, hey Slim, how you been you old
dog? Been simply far too long!
SLIM
Good enough DOILY, real good matter
a fact. Good to she ya. I might
just work up enough enthusiasm to
say I'm all hot to trot. Now ask
me why!
DOILY
(Reluctant to go through
the inevitable question)
Sigh, so why are you hot to trot?
SLIM
Glad you asked my that. Just got me
a new horse over in the Dirksen on
those Hudson levels.
(closes in and whispers
lovingly)
She's a right good looker too.
Thoroughbred filly, my own black
beauty. You'll haves to come meet
her sometime.
DOILY
Sorry, hold your horses, oh pardon
the pun! Did you say horse. Like a
real horse, flesh and all?
SLIM
Do think I would get any other
kind.
DOILY
Well no of course not. Never seen
one myself mind, but I sure like
to. Seen those auction prices and
feedstock quoters, you would need a
pretty penny.
(starts to get fake cuddly
with slim)
You old cowboy, you keeping a
secret fortune from us SLIM?
SLIM
Now back off you huckster, it'd be
safer to sleep with a rattle snake.
Hmmmm, on the other hand, I've
heard you're not so hard up
yourself, now you've made coin on a
neat sized salvage. Are these
scurrilous back channel rumours
true?
GANDER
Oh there true all right!
SOUND OF BAR
STOOL BEING
DRAGGED ON THE
FLOOR
DOILY
Darn it you two, you're worse than
GHOST, you don't let a single thing
pass?
(*sighs reflectively* )
Mind you its kinda reassuring that
that this place, always leaks like
a rusty pot.
SLIM
Yep its a rusty piss pot for sure.
You know the BC, summer in the ol
city an all. We just surviving down
here, living in each other's
pockets.
DOILY
May it never change
( *sighs*)
Unfortunately the salvage won't end
up as profitable as it could Have
been.
SLIM
Really? Need another to drown your
sorrow?
DOILY
You bet yah!
ORDERING DRINKS
SLIM
Red'n and a Dead'n GANDER if ya
please.
DOILY
Yeah its a pisser really. So there
was an old scow drifting in TRACON
area 5, long in on a chaotic low
energy path. A real journey to
oblivion. It was strange enough to
get GHOST's interest.
SLIM
You always did like the outliers
and the queazy stuff.
DOILY
You would know, something about you
is slightly left field, high
potential for queasiness in that my
good friend!
SLIM
Thats quite true, young lady, you
got me 5 by 5 straight down the
pipe.
DOILY
Anyway to get to the juicy bits of
my creepy story, it just got
weirder, when I boarded and
inspected the old crapped out
hanger deck. There was a couple of
old cryo's ticking over on atomic
generators. Super cold, real frosty
and radioactive. Had to really
scrap away the ice
(*Getting Excited* )
And get this, inside these cryo's
were two chicks, young, early
twenties and looking as if they
were just having a little afternoon
nap. I tell yah, that shit creeped
me out! The state of the place, it
was old, really old, pock marks on
hull, vacuum ablation, a real
horror-show. They must Have been
out there drifting for 30 years or
more.
SOUND OF A BEER
BOTTLE OPENING
AND BEING PLACED
ON THE BAR
DOILY
Thanks GANDER. Oh yum Death-Head,
my favourite. (Pause) So you been
listening to the story!
GANDER
Of course I Have ears like a bat,
If you ask me 'Death Head' lager
seems entirely appropriate.
SLIM
Uh-Huh, so tell me, when you coming
home more often to see me and old
GANDER here. We know you like all
this adventuring stuff, but we miss
yah.
GANDER
Yes we do, we like your adventurous
stories they remind me of my youth.
SOUND OF ALCOHOL
BEING FREE
POURED INTO A
GLASS
DOILY
Oh well I miss you guys two but you
know the verse is a calling and the
belt is so interesting.
SLIM
Like rid'n me horse across the wide
open grasslands!
DOILY
Jeez, next time I'll get the music
from 'How the West was Won' and
some wild locals.
(Pause to contemplate the
beer)
So looks like you guys are starting
to pick up the nuances of my story.
But think about this chicks in
those cryos just a drifting through
the void. Now thats the sort of
weird that equals big bucks. Its
either the gangs or the corporates.
I'm a little creeped out with
either to be honest.
GANDER
Oh we get the nuances all right.
Also we love a good story, but what
can you do, this belts just full of
weird shit.
(Leans in closer and
whispers
conspiratorially)
I tell you SLIM, she's too young
for you, she'll just wear you out,
leave your gun hand all shaky.
(They both laugh)
SLIM
I know, but it don't hurt to dream.
Now does it!
DOILY
(Slightly mock annoyed)
Hay, you two old codgers, stop the
conspiracy right now. Neither of
you could deal with my righteous
energy, and SLIM it'd just snap
your Johnson right off. Just like
an old suit seal. You couldn't deal
with me and you know it! Besides...
SLIM
(Slight indignation in
voice)
No besides about it young lady.
I'll Have you know that under this
crusty old cowboy exterior, is a
panther just waiting to pounce.
GANDER
(To DOILY) If he gives you any
trouble with his (Pause) 'animal'
tendencies, you let me know.
DOILY
You'd get all worn out with the
interventions GANDER.
SLIM
Jeez! Its like a rattle-snake pit!
GANDER
You better believe it brother!
DOILY
(Takes a drink and with
laughter at the jesting)
Sooo lets get back to the
interesting stuff and away from
this little innuendo standoff.
(Pause) So where were we, oh yah,
these frozen corpsicals must Have
been floating in space for thirty
odd years. Thats according to
TRACON records. So you tell me how
is that possible, and with no sign
of radiation damage? They should
Have been cooked right through like
over done chicken. No chance of
survival, but, get this, they
looked fine. Fresh even, like a
regular space Cinderella.
SLIM
Hmmmm. That sure doesn't add up,
it's enough to give you the he-bee
jeebies.
DOILY
I know, right? So get this, as soon
as I haul them back here, we were
intercepted immediately at gate, by
CIS, no sign of press, or drones
and they were immediately shunted
down to the General Hospital
uptown. I was warned off asking any
questions. Told to back off and put
in a claim through regular
channels. Like I was saying it just
smells of corporate, with a strong
dose of wickedness thrown in.
SOUND OF
GLUGGING BEER
BOTTLE, DOILY
DRINKING.
GANDER
Hmmmm, So two young women you say?
Could you describe them?
DOILY
Well not really, they were laying
semi wrapped and the iced up window
made viewing limited. I did hear
that as well as CIS the uptown cops
were swarming and that a D-Notice
had been issued. I'm telling ya,
its fishy.
(Takes a contemplative sip
of drink)
You'd think that someone pipe up
to claim the ship. It's s worth a
couple of hundred thou, even as
scrap.
SLIM
Mighty strange thing is this void,
darkness in the outer belt. (Pause)
Mind you, the lack of owners,
leaves you with a solid wedge.
DOILY
Yep, small comforts and little
things, although I think CIS Have
already stripped it of those cryo's
and the tomics, and I can't help
but feel this one is going to Have
some further twists down the road.
GANDER
These corpiscles were they young?
Perhaps in their twenties,
Caucasian, maybe one of them
slightly feline?
DOILY
Sorry GANDER, I couldn't tell you.
It was dark in there the small
windows were frosted up. I had only
one thought and that was to get
out. CIS intercepted us as soon as
we landed. So why the curiosity?
Have you got some interest in them?
GANDER
No no. Just curious, you know how I
like the little details, its the
small things that bight.
DOILY
(Mood changing as the
story details pass )
Line up a couple of the old
deaden's for me and SLIM if you
please stick it on my account,
thanks GANDER.
SLIM
Thanks DOILY. So what are you
planning for your, newly semi
wealthy existence?
SOUND OF A BEER
BOTTLE OPENING
AND BEING PLACED
ON THE BAR
DOILY
Ohh, so I think my first priority
is repaying the money I owe. I know
that those pilot accreditation
didactics cosy you a pretty penny
SLIM, so you be getting that back.
That will eat up a chunk of the
change. Other than that, GHOST, my
old ship AI is needing some love,
(Pause and a contemplative
sigh)
She really needs her first skin.
She's been on at me for ages to get
out and about. She says that the
old rusty jacket of the ship is
cramping her style. Once she's got
a bee in her robotic head to try on
some new threads she just won't let
go. Its driving me batty!
(Takes a sip of her drink)
Say either of you two know where I
could go for a cheap skin job? Need
to be something for a limit purse?
GANDER
Hmmmm, let me think, not a common
request nowadays, those avatar's
are a little out of vogue after
that incident on Selene Base One.
Folks are a little twitchy. So a
mech Avatar you say.
(Pause)
Well obviously the place to go is
Electric City, but where exactly.
Most decent places only Have the
new models, Cyber Organic Skins,
there mostly from Hadronic
Industrials
DOILY
They sound well out of my price
range.
GANDER
Oh they are, so there no good.
DOILY
Yep I know it, I think this is
going to be almost impossible. Be
nice to get her into an full
organic, but this time around its a
fixer upper.
GANDER
So let me think. None of the
secondhand military androids are
available, even the shell's as they
get shredded on decommissioning and
get reclaimed. Hmmm.
(Gander walks back along
the bar thinking)
DOILY
Let's say I was looking for an
empty, plus parts. I could then re
assemble? Something humanoid but
basic. That would save a fair few
credits.
GANDER
Yes, yes, but humanoid. I don't
think GHOST would want to be
decanted into a dust-bin with
wheels.
SOUND OF DISTANT
BEEPING, LIKE A
DISGRUNTLED R2
UNIT REACTING
OFFENDED TO THE
COMMENT
DOILY
Oh the language in this bar! Your
cleaning bots need there mouths
washing out with oil.
(Takes another sip)
Any ideas guys? Do you Have
'Contacts' from your…… (whispers)
Network.
GANDER
Well I know there is a lot of old
junk down at the Electric Souk, Old
QUARESMA down there collects all
sorts of decommissioned stuff, she
may let you Have a poke around, to
be honest you Have nothing to lose.
DOILY
Charisma you say?
GANDER
No, no, QUARESMA, with a Q. There
is no charisma anywhere near that
Electric Souk I promise you that.
This QUARESMA, she is a striking
woman though. Very beautiful.
EXT. ELECTRIC SOUK
(DOILY, FAKHOURI, SPRUIK-A-MATIC A, SPRUIK-A-MATIC B)
SOUNDS OF
MARKETPLACE,
SPRUIKERS,
CROWDS
SPRUIK-A-MATIC A
Finest jewellery at lowest prices.
Rare gems at bargain prices. Sir,
come sir best quality please look.
SPRUIK-A-MATIC B
(Fading out) Communicator credits
sold here, Earth calling cards,
Mars Colony Calling cards.
FAKHOURI
Come in, come in my friends, finest
silk, best quality, beautiful
colours. Please sit, I'll bring you
tea my friend.
SOUND OF HANGERS
CLICKING ON RAIL
DOILY
(*slightly miffed and
sarcastic*)
No, no, No thanks. No tea for me,
(Pause) friend.
FAKHOURI
Oh Miss, don't be like that, this
silk for you, beautiful colour for
a beautiful miss.
DOILY
Look, No thanks, again. Besides
silk is too hot in a ship-suit. If
I'm not in a Vac-U-Metic spacesuit
I'm in a light cotton overall.
FAKHOURI
Oh. Smart miss, very smart, those
hots suits must be very
uncomfortable for long duration.
You must be a local.
DOILY
Well spotted my friend. I grew up
in the Bencubbin not more than two
block away. They may be hot, but
you get used to the full vac suits,
besides its better than chowing on
vacuum.
LAUGHTER
FAKHOURI
(laughter)
I'll take these ones away. Miss
doesn't need silks, hot and sweaty
like you say. Silk is for the
tourists! For miss I Have lovely
light cotton ship suits, nice black
colour, best price. Come, come,
front of shop is silks and colours
for the tourists. Come, the back of
the shop is where you locals want
to be, best prices.
DOILY
Oh, Ok let's take a look shall we.
What's your name sir? Was that
FAKHOURI
SOUND OF CURTAIN
BEING PULLED
BACK. FOOTSTEPS.
DOILY
Have I got that correct?
FAKHOURI
My name miss, is FAKHOURI See, it
is the name of my shop. What is
your name beautiful miss?
(*Laughing*)
DOILY
Oh sorry, I misheard you. Call me
DOILY.
FAKHOURI
Beautiful name Miss DOILY. Would
you like Coffee? Please sit Miss
DOILY.
SOUND OF SMALL
STOOL BEING
DRAGGED SLIGHTLY
DOILY
Actually FAKHOURI, yes to that
coffee. Thank you.
FAKHOURI
First Miss DOILY, look at the
quality of these. Wicking cotton
fabric for sweaty space travel.
SOUND OF A PILE
OF CLOTHING
BEING DROPPED ON
A TABLE.
SOUND OF HISSING
AND LIQUID
POURING FROM
COFFEE MACHINE
DOILY
Wow, is that the price? Not the
best price you promised FAKHOURI
SOUND OF COFFEE
CUPS BEING
PLACED ON THE
TABLE.
FAKHOURI
This is best quality wicking cotton
but for you a special price Miss
Doily. I do you special price.
DOILY
Ahh. This coffee is fantastic
FAKHOURI
FAKHOURI
Thank you, it's the fresh ground
beans, from earth, my home planet.
I stopped in New London as a
travelling merchant but I liked it
and met my wife here. 25 years in
the Bencubbin.
DOILY
It is certainly a great place.
People from all over and mostly
getting along. I grew up a few
blocks spin-wards, near the Retro
Grade Inn. Do you know it?
FAKHOURI
Oh, I hear stories Miss DOILY but
my faith and my wife prevent me
from ever visiting such a place.
Plenty of stories from that place
though.
DOILY
(*Laughing* )
They'll all be true most likely,
it's a busy place and there is
always plenty of excitement. It
really is my home when I'm back
here, I kind of grew up there. I
was born in the BC my mother was a
single parent, my father ran off to
another asteroid when I was too
young to remember.
(Pause slightly emotional)
There was an 'organisation' that
helped mum out from time to time.
The inn was involved. I kind of
feel, that I owe them. They really
looked out for me growing up. You
could say they got me off the
streets, well, mostly.
FAKHOURI
They must be kind people Miss
DOILY, and you Have grown up
beautiful, strong and kind. Would
you like a top-up?
DOILY
Absolutely FAKHOURI, that's
fantastic stuff. I don't think I'll
need to sleep tonight at all, it's
that potent.
SOUND OF CUPS
BEING REFILLED
DOILY
Ahhh, thats real good. So may I ask
a question?
FAKHOURI
Of course miss, ask away.
DOILY
I'm actually in the area looking
for a (Pause), QUARESMA. Do you
know her?
FAKHOURI
Oh yes Miss, I do. She is quite
influential in these parts and on
the board of the Market Traders
Association so I'll Have to be
careful what I say. Suffice to say,
be careful in your dealings with
her as I've heard of the many
comings and goings of people around
her facility, strangers, there
definitely not locals. She is quite
a beautiful woman, very serious.
Not one to be trifled with. I've
never had issues myself but one
does hear things.
DOILY
Thanks FAKHOURI, duly noted. I'm
looking for some technical gear and
I've been told she is the one to
speak to so I guess I'll Have to
take my chances.
FAKHOURI
Yes of course Miss so you again
soon I hope.
DOILY
Thanks for the coffee my friend,
I'll drop back in for some ship
suits on my way back. Soooo, Can
you point me in the direction of
this QUARESMA operation?
FAKHOURI
My pleasure Miss, I look forward to
seeing you. QUARESMA technical is
left and through the Souk stalls, a
big place at the end, big blue
sign.
INT. QUARESMA TECHNICAL
(BEIN-BOT, DOILY, SELLO-BOT)
SOUND OF
PRESSURE DOOR
AND TINKLE OF A
BELL,
ADVERTISING
JINGLE.
DOILY
Jeez, isn't this a real Aladdin's
cave!
BEIN-BOT
Welcome to QUARESMA TECHNICAL miss.
How may we be of assistance today?
DOILY
Oh, Hello, I am in the market for a
second-hand Avatar, humanoid, non
military grade.
BEIN-BOT
Cybernetics is third sub-level on
the right-hand side. Thank you for
your patronage.
SOUND OF
WALKING, LIFT
ETC.
SELLO-BOT
Madam, I understand you are looking
for:
RECORDING OF
DOILY'S VOICE
DESCRIBING WHAT
SHE NEEDS TO THE
BEIN-BOT – TINNY
EFFECT
DOILY
Oh, well yes, that's worryingly…
efficient of you.
SELLO-BOT
Can I further ask about you're
required functionality and
prospective budget for this new
item? Will you be needing a local
AI decant?
DOILY
Oh no thank you, I will decant
myself. I already Have a ship AI
with more attitude than I can
handle, dealing with another is
just asking for trouble! I just
want a humanoid sheath avatar,
empty with no occupant.
SELLO-BOT
Confirmed. Humanoid Androids this
way. Cybernetic Organics, worker
androids and pleasure-bots. Base
models starting at 150,000 credits
ranging to half a million for the
top models.
DOILY
Oh, wow, very flash. But total out
of my budget. I've about twenty
thousand credits to spend. Do you
Have something in that range?
SELLO-BOT
(*Sounding annoyed* )
BLEEP.
Items within your budget will be
this way.
DOILY
Oh dear, is that what I think it
is?
SELLO-BOT
It is not within my parameters to
speculate. I can only describe.
These are genitalia for our latest
pleasure-bot model BRO-CEL 320b.
Detachable and dish-washer safe for
best hygiene practice. Manufactured
on Hygiea.
DOILY
Eww. Remind me to never visit
Hygiea.
SELLO-BOT
That is a correct supposition. My
programming indicates suboptimal
outcomes for female morphic types.
Two probabilities are indicated,
either you would be unwelcome
there, or conversely extremely
welcome. The Colony is flagged
refuge status for male genotype
identifying as "Involuntarily
Celibate". My circuits can only
presume their taste for 'pleasure'
bots is driven by some biologic
need.
DOILY
Oh double yuck with a dose of
creepy, thanks for fro that. Lets
move on shall we.
SELLO-BOT
So BIN 23 onwards, are, seconds,
damaged goods and reclaimed parts.
Please peruse at your leisure.
There may be something here that
meets your, ah hum
COMPUTER
CALCULATING
NOISE, THEN
PAUSE
Budgetary restrictions.
DOILY
Yes, thank you, well Have you got
anything close to a whole unit. I'm
not going to pull together
thousands of parts from your bins.
You need to do better than that if
you want a sale!
SELLO-BOT
Oh, well then, right-hand side at
the end. You will note the
decommissioned hospitality units
mainly from the uptown hotels and
bars.
DOILY
Oh this is bad, poor thing. This
one's totally crushed. Is that a
torso. Ohhh, oh yuck, it's sticky.
Whats this. Feminine genotype. Oh,
shit, it's missing a leg.
SELLO-BOT
Yes, unfortunately these units were
involved in an intra robotic
altercation. Hospitality units
double as with a secondary function
as security staff. I believe it was
in the course of this security
action, that they were damaged.
DOILY
Yeah, yeah, tell me something
useful, I can't use a bot with one
leg. How the hell would it get
around?
SELLO-BOT
It is possible for it to hop on a
single appendage, although I would
suggest that you peruse the
reclaimed parts bin you see on your
right if you require faster
ambulation. There are a number of
working appendages, sensory arrays,
processors and batteries
interchangeable with
BLEEP FOR DATA
RETRIEVAL
the Cactus B32-21 Hospitality Unit
in question. We can connect the
unit and run a test sequence to
assess the repair requirements.
MUSIC DENOTING
PASSAGE OF TIME.
SOUND OF SORTING
THROUGH METAL
ITEMS.
DOILY
Ugh, here we are. Spherical visual
sensors and processing array,
frequency span from deci hertz to
yotta hertz region, by gotta lotta
yotta inc. Sounds dodgy to me, but
what the heck.
SELLO-BOT
Yotta enterprises is an integration
shop, they Have a solid reputation
miss. In human terms this will
allow the unit to see Gamma, X-Ray,
Colour, Infra-red and Ultra-violet
light. It will also allow reception
of a broad range of microwave
frequencies and background
radiations. They are good sensors.
DOILY
Ok if you say so. Sooo I think
that's it. Let me see, left leg,
working visual sensors and a spare
battery pack. The haptics on the
lower extremities were working at
acceptable capacity.
INT. RETROGRADE INN
(GANDER, SLIM)
SLIM
GANDER are you looking for DOILY?
GANDER
Yes, yes, she should be back by
now.
SLIM
No panic, she came in half an hour
ago, followed by a utility hauler,
they went straight down to bay
Alpha One. DOILY was looking for
CHEN the last I heard.
GANDER
That's a little forward of her, I
think I need to remind her who is
boss around here.
SLIM
Oh simmer down now, your getting
cranky in your old age!
GANDER
You've no idea what cranky looks
like!
SLIM
Oh I think I might Have an inkling.
Just go easy on her GANDER, she was
really excited I think she has got
the avatar for GHOST. Lets both go
down and see what the hell is
happening!
GANDER
Kakovachorta!
DOOR CLOSING,
THEN CHANGE TO
WAREHOUSE
AMBIENCE AND
VOICES
INT. QUARESMA TECHNICAL
(GOON #1, MARKO, QUARESMA)
QUARESMA
MARKO the crypto-generators are
prepared and ready for the Genesis
Blocks and to begin their forging
of Oxygen Credits.
MARKO
Good, this volume of genesis blocks
is significant, how long until
rewriting of the blockchain?
QUARESMA
Assuming no outages of power and
optimal processor cooling these
should be available for
distribution in 30 hours.
GOON #1
(*Very Dumb*)
Just like like printing money.
MARKO
Oh please spare me!
GUNSHOT, BODY
FALLING TO THE
GROUND
MARKO
Waste of a good bullet. Anybody
else?
FURTHER TWO
GUNSHOTS
QUARESMA
Enough, this macho posturing just
harms the operation. He's dead and
worse he is on my floor.Now I Have
to waste time disposing of the
body.
(*Barking Orders*)
Crosscheck all power sources and
cooling systems and start the
processing.
(*To MARKO*)
You do understand that if the
government gets wind of this
there'll be more heat on us than a
pack of invert breeders heading to
a whore house. It would finish both
of us.
MARKO
Look woman, forget the flowery
language and get with the program
fast. Do you think that STANK cares
for any delays. I want guards on
all the entrances.
SOUND OF LARGE
BANKS OF
COMPUTERS
WORKING -
DIGITAL SOUND
INT. RCB TECHNICAL BAY ALPHA-1
(CHEN, DOILY, GANDER, SLIM)
SOUNDS OF TOOLS
AND SERVO MOTORS
AND SWARING IN
MANDARIN
CHEN
Back off the servo feedback loop by
5 percent using this digital input
here. I think we need to supply a
temporary clock signal on this
port. Have you got the digital
tracer linked in on the diagnostic
port DOILY.
DOILY
Yes, of course, and I Have also got
a scope on the test pin, I'm
looking for any negative pulse.
DOOR OPENS.
SLIM
So what are you miscreants up to
down here.
DOILY
Oh I hi you two, before you start
on GANDER, I made a contribution to
RCBS funds for you usage of your
space. I'm not taking undue
advantage.
GANDER
Yes well!
(slightly amused and non
plussed )
Oh well then, thank you. So what
Have you hauled into my house. That
looks a bit battered, its in little
bits and pieces dah! So CHEN I see
you decided to try and put this
jigsaw puzzle together. This is a
bit left field for you?
CHEN
Oh no GANDER you are wrong on this.
I do Have a little experience on
haptics. Remember I did time in my
FBI years. I'm not so good on
servos though, we're struggling.
MANIC SERVO WHIN
THEN THUD AS ARM
FLICKS AROUND
AND HITS CHEN
WITH A THUD
CHEN
Ohhh, uggh, (swearing in Mandarin)
Oh shit, that arm packs a punch.
Did you back off those servos
DOILY.
DOILY
Backed off all the way to Earth my
friend!
CHEN
Well, I'm fresh out of idea's on
this one. We looked at the
feedback, and the fine servo
control. We're goin g to need some
help.
SLIM
Well folks I think we all know were
thats going to come from. The best
man for the servo's is sitting
above us in those detectives
office, but he seems to be about as
popular as a Skunk in a perfume
factory. DOILY your going to Have
to go to him.
DOILY
Your joking, I'm not moving this
lot upstairs and lugging out of the
inn. Mind you that does explain
where the dark Zed had gone . What
the hell has he done this time to
piss RUDI off. I thought he was out
on some job for the Cherries.
GANDER
He has been sent to stew in his
juices for a few weeks. So his
bunked out as a tech monkey for two
strange chicks who arrived the
other day, something about starting
a detective agency. They did a big
favour for RUDI and myself, on the
Mirror House job. I think she'll
come around eventually but at the
moment the wounds still fresh. Any
shenanigans will Have to be
strictly off the record. Mind you
this monkey not see, this monkey
not worried at all. If I'm not
around you might unofficially sneak
Zed in for a moonlight run, but
don't let me or RUDI catch him. As
I say she's still raw. I would Have
to slap down the rule book real
hard this time. Come-on SLIM lets
let these youngsters play with
their new toys, so show me some of
those pictures of your horse!
INT. ANGEL AND MAY'S OFFICE
(DOILY, ZED)
DOILY
Hello, hello, anyone in, arghhh,
what the f.... Is that ghastly
thing.
A-RAY-3 AGITATED
SOUNDS
ZED
Oh hello DOILY, its the biological
security system. Just let me get
between it and you. Its not had its
feed today and its a little antsy.
Arn't you DOILY, GANDERS space tug
pilot?
DOILY
Spot on my friend. I need you
expertise on a technical problem
and there might be a few dollars in
it for you.
ZED
Hmmm, that definitely sounds
interesting. I suppose I could
spare a few minutes. By nice to get
out of this office. Whats the
problem.
DOILY
Well its an avatar body for an A.I.
I'm trying to put it together and
the servo's are just all over the
place and we can't seem to calm
them down. CHEN's being poking
around and now sport a fine black
eye, but you know what hes like,
it's not really his thing.
ZED
Yep setting up those servos is real
tricky. Usually needs some stuff
thats not in the manual. I used to
tune up a few of the battle-bots
for the RCBS.You Do know I need to
keep a very low profile.
DOILY
Yep I heard. Your terrible Zed! You
sure you want to risk it.
ZED
I need some cash, to be honest
things are tough at the moment. I
do Have a mitigation idea though.
RUSTLING OF
BOXES
DOILY
Oh jeez, my how fetching, do you
want some lipstick?
ZED
Back off I not going in drag. Its a
wig to get past the camera's, there
are boxes of them back here.
RUSTLING OF
BOXES
DOILY
Well, I'll be thrown out of the
airlock, your right.
ZED
OK lead on, I'll follow on behind,
with my face down to avoid get
caught. I know the spy eyes are as
I installed most of them.
INT. RCB TECHNICAL BAY ALPHA-1
(CHEN, DOILY, GANDER, ZED)
SERVO NOISES
ZED
Oh my God DOILY, this is a real
piece of work. How much did you pay
DOILY?
DOILY
Too much from the sound of it.
ZED
Actually don't feel bad, its not
too rubbish really, just looks
horrible. Not too much wear on the
baring surfaces. I'm going to wash
it down with cleaner its real
sticky. I'll also give it a blow
out with compressed air, then we
can assess the viability of the
components.
GANDER
Oh! So is this an apparition I see
before me, its wig turned towards
my hand. Here's the cleaner you
asked for.
DOILY
Thanks GANDER, much appreciated.
You know at you age, the eyes start
to play trick on you.
GANDER
Less of the old my friend. Well OK
then. Now you two, just brush that
wig out when your done, right. I
can't bare untidiness!
ZED
Sure!
MONTAGE OF AIR
GUN, WELDING,
HAMMERING,
GRINDING.
DOILY
Can you get it working?
ZED
Well it's possible, just be
patient. Here DOILY hold this arm
in this position please. CHEN, can
you do me a favour?
CHEN
Yes, miss Tuesday Well, with the
deep voice, how can I help?
ZED
Super models don't fix robots, so
lay off the disparaging remarks you
two. DOILY, can you reach across
and get the diagnostic trolley
over, with two of the diagnostic
probes. Thanks.
DOILY
Its not going to punch me is it?
ZED
If I could set it to do so, I
would, but no, its not going to
this time.
WHIRRING SOUND
OF BACK AND
FORTH MOVEMENT.
ZED GRUNTING
ZED
Got it, look there was some dirt on
the tracks, it was causing too much
positive feedback.
DOILY
Oh, your good, Zed.
ZED
Yeah I know. So its the driven
grounds you see, on these older
models, they ain't great, they get
unstable. The next model up they
used opticals. The good news is,
the visual sensor array is fully
operational. Diagnostics showing it
is accurately sensing the full
spectrum excluding (laughs)
octarine.
DOILY
Octarine? Speak English. Oh, look
at this ZED. This leg we've
installed, does anything look funny
to you?
ZED
Hmm not you mention it, it looks
short. Hang on, I'll get the
measure. Oh shit, it's 50mm short.
Its the year, should Have got the
55 model, they changed the leg
length in 56. Same top end
interface though so its easy to get
the wrong one, same bezels and
numbering except for the Alpha at
the end. Here look at the pack
line, see how it lines up. It'll
work, but we will Have to glue a
riser on the heel. Otherwise this
here sheath of yours will Have one
hell of a limp.
END