Angel and May
Angel and May are two worn-out private investigators from LA. Events take a turn and they embark on a journey which will take them across time and space to the asteroid colony "New London". They hole up in a dodgy pub run by a crazy drag queen. What could possibly go wrong! They say the skies are the limit, but here they're just the beginning!
Angel and May
A03-E11 - Playing Despots
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Zed can be a despot in his lunchtime with his virtual reality dreams, but sometimes there is a ghost in the machine.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
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S3-E11-PLAYING DESPOT
INT. PUB EXPECTATIONS 15 - 3.2
LOCATION: ZED SIMULATION - IMPERIAL GRAND PALACE
ZED enters the simulation and becomes an imperial king
playing the despot. He spends the afternoon dealing with
multiple crisis, spot uprisings troop dispatches and
small spot battles to maintain the kingdom. He then
retires to the local pub. Meanwhile MISSY JACK is
instantiated as a bar maid at this pub. Due to SOPHIE's
advice ZED is feeling emboldened and immediately engages
with this new barmaid. He teaches her to pull a jug of
beer and also shows her how to play pool. MISSY JACK as
the bar maid cannot let herself be beaten by ZED at pool
due to her insecurities and so wins. She deliberately
lets slip that she drinks at the Retrograde Inn. ZED is
very interested in meeting her in the real. Foolishly
MISSY JACK states that her appearance is the real is the
same as her avatar.
SOUND OF WALKING,
DOOR OPENING. SOUND
OF STEAM DRIVEN
VEHICLES. BELL AS
DOOR OPENS.
PRIVY COUNCIL
Me lord.
ZED
Privy council
PRIVY COUNCIL
Your majesty, how fortunate it is
that you can join us, we have so
many matters to discuss. I have
prepared a priority listing.
ZED
Ah, thank you Privy Council, so
lets just run through that. Oh so
many issues.
PRIVY COUNCIL
Yes well, you know what they say!
ZED
No, what are they saying Privy
Council.
PRIVY COUNCIL
For the want of a nail in a shoe
of a horse, your majesty, a
Kingdom can be easily lost.
ZED
Yes well, very poetic Councillor,
are we clutching at straws again!
PRIVY COUNCIL
Sire, no of course not!
ZED
Where is the Gurdy man, tumblers
and the clowns for we need
entertainment whilst we consider
matters of state!
PRIVY COUNCIL
Very good sire.
ZED
Now give me the list and get some
sweet meats. Where is ZILLA?
PRIVY COUNCIL
Currently offline sire, I believe
he is about to jack in.
ZED
Dock two points, I will not
countenance tardiness in my court.
I am really starting to reconsider
his position in this house, Privy,
we may need to run through some
promotions, demotions and
executions, the gallows trees have
been empty of late.
PRIVY COUNCIL
Yes sire, very good. Its good to
keep the court, ahh lean, sire.
ZED
Yes indeed. So bring my decision
podium, writing desk and
programming parchments, we have a
busy afternoon ahead.
ZILLA
Oh, good evening your Highness,
many felicitations, sorry for my
lateness.
ZED
Prostrations aside ZILLA, this is
the third time you have not met
schedule. Let it be recorded that
I have docked two game points.
Need I remind you that this is an
active court, not one of those
from the rook fields.
Do you really want to play pawn in
their games?
ZILLA
No sire, I do not.
ZED
Well, then sharpen up. I am an
active custodian of this imperial
virtual reign. One of the more
established I might add and I will
not have substandard members of
the house responsible for its
premature demise. Do you
understand me?
ZILLA
Yes sire, I do.
ZED
OK, then we have a full schedule
of incidents to deal with, apart
from what looks like an incipient
surf uprising. In addition we have
an unfortunate number of
aggressive incidents around the
edges or our demise.
ZILLA
Yes sire, I can see.
ZED
OK, lets divide this down, you
quash the uprisings, something you
appear to have a talent for.
Whilst I will deal with the
incursions.
ZILLA
Very good Sire.
ZED
Servants, bring wine!
TIME LAPSING
ZILLA
Sire I think I have just finished
with the last uprising, is there
anything else to deal with?
ZED
No ZILLA you have done good work
today, the kingdom is secure once
again.
ZILLA
Yes of course sire. If I may be
so bold, perhaps retirement to a
local host house, could confirm a
multitude of benefits after such a
hard afternoon of graft. Perhaps
some more wine matched with
general comestibles?
ZED
ZILLA you may be a pain in the
arse, but you do make some very
compelling arguments. COMPUTER
raise medieval protocol observance
level to three and release subject
ZILLA from constraint.
ZILLA
Thank you Sire, should I relax
local protocols whilst in the pub?
ZED
Yes of course, I'm sick of the
straight jacket I just need a few
bevies and perhaps a game of pool.
Lets relax, the court can wait. I
have put other game play on pause
anyway, the bloody tasking is
getting to onerous.
ZILLA
Well, I wasn't going to say
anything, you've already docked
points from me.
ZED
I know, I'm really getting into
the bastard role. Did you like
the imperial manner, I have been
watching Julius Caesar and
learning how to proclaim.
ZILLA
Yes you really put the shits up me
I was going to send you to
Philippi. Come on lets go, am a
dry as creek with no rain. We have
a new player in the pub and she's
female, at least I think so. The
cross genderisation is running
rampant at the moment.
PALACE DOOR THEN
MEDIEVAL STREET
SOUNDS
PUB DOOR
ZED
(Fade in conversation) So you
think the rook empire is on an
expansion quest? I thought they
lost some players last year?
ZILLA
Well, they did, but then they got
a new sugar daddy, he pumped in
credits and they then advertised.
They now have two new armies, well
equipped and trained.
ZED
Jeez, how can we compete with
that.
ZILLA
I don't know, oh hello, Basinga!
ZED
Back off cowboy, I'm king around
these parts.
ZILLA
Oh, and what a big boy king you
are.
ZED
Hay don't you start!
ZILLA
Your welcome, she looks high
maintenance, I'm going to shoot
some darts and nurse a Red Rocket.
ZED
So what do you know, that I don't
know? Did you see the manifests?
ZILLA
Well, from what I can remember,
she is a class one, new entrant
undergoing first line
establishment duties. Given her,
ahhh, attributes and as per her
rather specific requests, we have
her working the pumps at the bar
tonight. Not sure about this one a
few warning bells are ringing
ZED
Jesus ZILLA thanks for the warm
up, I think I will just initially
sit at the bar then and do a self
assessment.
ZILLA
Well, its you sim mate, go large.
ZED moves over and sits at the bar.
ZED
Hello!
MISSY JACK
Hello. Can I take your order sir?
ZED
(Stammer)
Oh, yes of course, I'll have a
quart of Old Trumpet please.
MISSY JACK
OK, let me see, just trying to
figure out these pump things. OK
glass here, pull down on this
handle.
ZED
Wait stop!
MISSY JACK
Oh, have I done something wrong?
ZED
No, it's just you are pulling the
wrong one, its the next one over.
Here let me show you. I'll just
pop around the bar!
ZED moves around the bar and stands along side the new
bar maid.
ZED
Sorry, I didn't catch a name.
MISSY JACK
Oh, its ahh, M, ahh Jackie.
ZED
You seem a little unsure?
MISSY JACK
Well, its my first time at this
avatar game thing.
ZED
Oh, really, well you soon get used
to it. OK let me show how to
operate this pump gismo. So you
put the glass here, above and
central to this tray thing. Then
you very gently start to pull the
handle.
It helps if you just angle the
glass and trickle the beer down
the side. It doesn't froth so
much.
MISSY JACK
Oh, that's clever.
ZED
Years of practice! (Smile) There
see.
MISSY JACK
Well, thank you ahh, I didn't get
your name sir!
ZED
Call, me ZED
MISSY JACK
Well, thank you ZED, your very
patient and kind.
ZED
(Blushing) Well, not really. So
I'm going to play some pool do you
want to have a go at that?
MISSY JACK
Oh, I'm not sure, I might loose my
job!
ZED
Don't worry about that I have a
certain, 'influence' about these
parts.
MISSY JACK
Oh, well I suppose the customer is
always right.
ZED
Absolutely. So have you played
pool before?
MISSY JACK
Well, a little, a long time ago. I
don't know how to set up the ball
thingies and I don't have a stick.
ZED
Oh, well, I can set up the balls,
and the stick thing, which is
called a cue by the way, is
borrowed from the pub. So don't
worry at all, I can show how to
play!
MISSY JACK
Oh, its quite exciting. How do
you play?
ZED
Well, you see the balls, they are
two types, see some have a spot,
here let me show you! See this
one, ohhh oh sorry.
MISSY JACK
Oh, its dropped down my cleavage.
(Giggle) how silly of me.
ZED
Oh, let me, no sorry!
MISSY JACK
Don't worry I have it here.
ZED
Phew I was worried it might get
lost!
MISSY JACK
Yes well so was I!
ZED
Yes I could see that as a
possibility!
MISSY JACK
Oh, you silly. (Giggle) what ever
do you mean!
ZED
Ah, yes well moving on, the other
types of ball have strips see!
MISSY JACK
Oh, yes, what's this black ball
then?
ZED
Oh that's a very special ball, the
first person to knock that down
wins the game.
MISSY JACK
So why don't you just knock it
down first go?
ZED
Ah, well, your not allowed to, you
have to pick a spot or a stripe
and then work you way through all
the other balls see, by knocking
them down one at a time.
MISSY JACK
Oh, that makes it more
complicated.
ZED
Look the best way to learn is to
play. I'll just set up the balls
to start, and then I will let you
go first.
MISSY JACK
Oh!
SOUND OF POOL BALLS
BEING RACKED UP.
ZED
OK they are all set ready to go,
now take the stick, I mean the cue
and just knock one of the balls to
spread them out, but don't knock
the white ball down.
MISSY JACK
You mean like this!
MISSY JACK gives a out of context solid hit, splitting
the balls in and pocketing two stripe balls.
ZED
Oh, well done, you do have an
aptitude! So because you have
pocketed the stripe balls, you
have to stick with those for the
entire game.
MISSY JACK
Oh, that's lucky another one. Oh I
missed one. I think it must be
your go know?
ZED plays but is slightly nervous, and pockets the white
ball
ZED
OK, so I have to go for the spot
balls, ohh!
MISSY JACK
Is the white ball supposed to go
in the pocket?
ZED
Ah, no I made a mistake, so that
means you get two goes now.
MISSY JACK
Oh, that's fun!
TIME LAPSING
ZED
Well, that's it, black in the
hole, I concede! Are you sure you
haven't played before, you seemed
to know what you are doing?
MISSY JACK
Well, I did have a boyfriend a
long time ago and I watched him a
little.
ZED
Well, you played very well.
MISSY JACK
ZED, why is everyone watching you?
ZED
Well, you know this virtual
reality is posted as a feudal
kingdom, closed world.
MISSY JACK
Yes, but how is that relevant, its
just very medieval, isn't it.
ZED
Well, yes and no. That means that
in this closed environment a king
figure has ultimate authority and
can change anything about this
reality. The 'King' can change
the gravity, the temperature, and
control all the play attributes.
Essentially the King can be a
total tyrant.
MISSY JACK
Wow, well, I'm not sure I would
want to meet such a powerful
being, in case they didn't like
me?
ZED
Oh, your too late for that.
MISSY JACK
Oh, what have I done wrong, I've
only been in the game for two
hours!
ZED
Relax silly, look I'm the King
here OK. Nothing is going to
happen to you, I can freeze the
simulation with a finger click.
Anyway even if I didn't like you,
which I don't, its just a
virtuality!
MISSY JACK
Yes but its so real, it's so easy
to forget there is a real world
out there.
ZED
Yeah, you got that right. So do
you play pool in the real world?
MISSY JACK
Well, I must confess to a little
wincey fib , ahh sire!
ZED
Oh, don't you start, look its ZED,
just call me ZED well when you are
in this pub, its a levelled zone,
where multiplayer can happen.
Outside the pub if you call me ZED
I would have to put you to death.
I promise to make it quick.
MISSY JACK
That's very reassuring, I think!
Well 'ZED', I do occasionally play
at a pub. The odd game here and
there nothing serious. It's a
place called The Retrograde.
ZED
JACKIE stop. Look I can see you
are new to this sort of thing.
Let me give you some advice and
this is imputable OK. Never, give
a real world data point of any
kind. You must never volunteer any
information about yourself. It is
very dangerous.
MISSY JACK
Oh, yes but you're KING here,
right.
ZED
Yes but only in here. In the real
world I might be a serial killer
or a stalker or anything.
This whole setup might be to tempt
you to give information which
could end in your demise.
MISSY JACK
Oh no! Sorry, sorry I didn't mean
ohh! It's my first time in here,
I just don't know the rules.
ZED
Yes I know, but be careful, I
wouldn't want anything to happen.
I like you, you have the kings
favour!
MISSY JACK
That's very kind sire, ahh I mean
ZED.
ZED
That's better, look don't be
upset. I shouldn't tell you this
but amazingly I know of the same
pub? What are the chances?
MISSY JACK
It must be a one in million!
ZED
It's just really funny because I'm
from New London too.
MISSY JACK
Oh you are? What a coincidence!
Have you ever been to the
Retrograde?
ZED
I have. You know we could have
already met in the real world
JACKIE. I take it you are a real
female aren't you?
MISSY JACK
Oh yes, absolutely, all the way
through! Look, sorry to interrupt
but my credit clock is nearly out
so maybe I'll see you out there
sometime?
ZED
I look forward to it. How will we
recognise each other!
MISSY JACK
ZED I will let you in on a secret!
In the real, I look just like this
of course!
ZED
Shit, that's amazing! Ok I will
look out for you. See you bye!
INT. AVATAR DOLL - 15 - 3.3
LOCATION: BENCUBBIN COLLECTABLES
MISSY JACK and SINJIN are panicking about the foolish
promise that MISSY JACK looks just like her avatar in the
real world. The issue is they don't want to make her look
too fake, otherwise she will look like a queen and
probably be easily read by the Retrogrades inhabitants,
they just need to enhance the natural.
SINJIN
Jeez MISSY you've done some dumb
things but this takes the biscuit.
Let me understand the full
enormity of your efforts. So,
one, you've given him an open
ended offer and claimed to look
like your substantially enhanced
virtual reality Avatar? Two, you
say you play pool to a standard,
which in the real world, you
don't. Jeez! Why? Why would you
say that? You have an ability to
f** up any situation?
MISSY JACK
SINJIN back off, your not the one
on the front line, it was you
stupid play in the first place. I
just said it, I panicked. It's not
like I was working from a script
or anything!
SINJIN
Well, that's a truism if there
ever was one!
MISSY JACK
Look, we are not dead in the
water, just a slight readjustment
to the plan. I guess I'll have to
dress up a bit and then hang out
at the Retrograde every night?
SINJIN
Dress up, did you see your avatar,
its like a steampunk barbie doll.
How the hell can we replicate that
look. I really don't think
hanging around the retro, which is
full of queens.
That GANDER bitch will spot you
and the fake boobs and costume
immediately. They'll have you up
on stage with a whip and a chair
before you can get to the bar! No
we have to be much more targeted
and slightly more subtle.
MISSY JACK
Well the mark was playing pool? I
guess I could turn up for a pool
competition perhaps? Make out
that its just a routine play off
and I just happened to be there
for the tournament.
SINJIN
OK, OK, seems like a plan. First
you're going to have a complete
makeover, but we have to try and
keep it real. I suppose we do
zizzing up with the hair and
makeup.
MISSY JACK
(Sigh) I'll make the booking.
SINJIN
We're gonna have to do something
with those.
MISSY JACK
What do you mean those, I'm not a
blow up doll for your delight!
SINJIN
No, no, so sorry my darling I
didn't mean to insult your, well
your (pause) assets!
MISSY JACK
Now I sound like a milking cow!
SINJIN
(Sigh) Look we are going to have
to make your breasts match the
avatar.
MISSY JACK
What do you expect, I can't just
pump them up. I'm a real women in
my 30's and wearing a bra. What
can I say, they have seen some
action. I've never heard you
complain about them before. Jeez
SINJIN how can you be so brutal.
SINJIN
Sorry my dear, its my antique
collectors eyes, I look at
something and do a physical
assessment. I do not mean to
insult you. Please don't take this
the wrong way, I love you as your
are. We do need to, ahh, enhance
them a little.
SOUND OF SINJIN
BEING HIT
MISSY JACK
I'll enhance you a little, you
French polishing snake.
SINJIN
Ouch! Enough. Look you made a rod
for you're own back, or perhaps I
should say front. In all
seriousness, we have to do
something. Plus we know he is a
boobs man, we have to amplify
those characteristics. Perhaps
just a little zhooshing to match
your very ample avatar.
MISSY JACK
Well, those drag queens all need
fake boobs, they are the experts.
I'll just ask the Queen that does
my hair. No doubt he has had to
stuff a bra, or two in the course
of his act. Don't forget we need a
strong steampunk look as well.
SINJIN
Oh, that's no problem I have some
leather samples and can enhance
some biker jackets so that isn't
an issue.
MISSY JACK
Well that's something I suppose.
INT. POOL COMPETITION - 15 - 4
LOCATION: RETROGRADE - SPORTS BAR
GHOST announces the regular pool competition, between
various participants of the Retrograde Inn.
Unfortunately the air-conditioning is broken and is being
fixed, so the room is very, very hot. SLIM is the current
champion and gets selected randomly to play with a new
comer a MISSY JACK. She is dressed in heavy make up and
is in leather.
The games commences but the heat is so intense MISSY JACK
starts to perspire profusely and her make up starts to
run. Eventually after being beaten by SLIM, and
introduced to ZED, MISSY JACK's significant fake boobs
start to become detached, causing massive embarrassment
and her panicky flight from the room.
SOUND OF SUBDUED
REVELRY AND POOL
BALLS CLICKING.
GHOST
(Megaphone) Ladies, Gentlemen and
others, final sign in for the Pool
Competition. Normal stakes as per
Retro competition notices; First
prize is 50 Cryptos, Second place
is 20 cryptos. Apologies for the
heat but we have an outage on the
AC. We are working on it and will
resume cooling as soon as we can.
SOPHIE
Oh hi ZED, this is unexpected. So
I thought you didn't play pool in
the real world?
ZED
I don't normally SOPHIE, but you
know you told me to get out more.
SOPHIE
Yes.
ZED
Well I did that, I went to the pub
in the VR. I actually managed to
meet someone.
SOPHIE
Hang on, they are from you virtual
reality, that's not real, you know
that, don't you?
ZED
Relax, I'm not going nuts on yah!
Yes I know the virtual is not the
real, Stop looking at me like
that. There was something though.
SOPHIE
Oh, what?
ZED
There was some spill over.
SOPHIE
Spill over! What the hell. Do you
know how dangerous this is, no
don't tell me. You know who the
real person is?
ZED
Well, yes and no. She was new to
the virtual and accidentally gave
away some information. I don't
know her exact name but I do know
she plays pool and does so
occasionally at this tournament.
SOPHIE
ZED, what the heck, do you know
how many rules you are breaking.
Do you have a death wish? She
could be a nut job.
ZED
I don't think so SOPH, she was
slightly strange, but there was
something. She dresses as
Steampunk, she has, ahh, generous,
you know.
SOPHIE
No I don't know, what?
ZED
You know.
SOPHIE
ZED I don't know.
ZED gesticulates the front of his chest.
SOPHIE
Oh, yeah I see. Steampunk, big
boobs. Jeez you guys are pretty
predictable! Jeez I have got to
have a word with GANDER this heat
is unacceptable, its going to be a
sauna in here. Oh watch out here
he comes!
SLIM
Howdy young n's, you ready for a
fight tonight?
SOPHIE
Always up for a rooting tooting
Time!
SLIM give s SOPHIE a hard stare.
SLIM
Are you trying your cow folk
lingo, young Calamity?
SOPHIE
Just trying to spook your horses
before the rodeo.
SLIM
(Laughter) Well, I give in. Now I
need a cold beer. This place is
as hot as blue blazes tonight. Are
you here to take a shot at the old
sharp shooter, young ZED?
ZED
Ha! SLIM definitely not! SOPHIE
has been telling me you dominate
this competition, I'm just playing
for fun, down the lower tables.
SLIM
Well we ain't playing for sheep
stations that's for sure. Right
SOPHIE?
SOPHIE
Sheep stations, isn't that
Australian SLIM, I thought you
were all wild west?
SLIM
That's just my way young lady I
like any place that has horses.
Never seen any use in changing my
ways or words just for you young
whipper snappers. There's plenty
that you lot jibber jabber on
about that leaves me feeling like
I can't tell skunks from house
cats. Think of it as old folks
code.
ZED
Well, I've got to give to yah, you
sure make the place more
colourful.
SOPHIE
Skunks from house cats. Stinky!
GHOST
(Megaphone) Any last contenders to
sign up?
MISSY JACK
Over here late entrant!
GHOST
Five Cryptos entry fee Marm, and a
one drink minimum.
MISSY JACK
Ugh, of course. Here. Just plain
water for me, got to keep a clear
head.
BEEP OF OXY TAB
BRACELET
GHOST
(Megaphone) Knock-out format and
house rules. The randomiser has
made its first round selections;
First up pairings are the current
champion our very own cowboy, give
a big welcome to fast hand SLIM,
he is playing the mysterious new
entrant ah, steampunk MISSY JACK.
Give a big hand to a new entrant
at this competition. (Clapping)
Then we have our techno expert ZED
the ball zapper vs. Light speed
DOILY. In the small room we have
the delightful Dr CHEN vs.
Sextress SOPHIE. We also have the
old school strategic expertise of
Major BOY WLLIAMSON vs. Our very
own executive Ms GANDER the pocket
guru. To finalise this exclusive
and exciting line up ladies and
gentlemen, we have the unique
combination of our resident
fashion expert MAURICE vs. Martial
arts expert JACINTA. Now id you
oxytabs to place your pre order
drinks and move to the tables. I
will sound a horn to start.
DRINK BEING ORDERED
BOAT HORN THEN
CHEERING
Focus to foreground
SLIM
Well, how do you do young lady.
SLIM's the name. Mighty please to
be meeting you.
MISSY JACK
Ah, yes, its MISSY JACK.
SLIM
Well, under the rules I must
concede the break to your good
self.
SQUEAK OF CHALK ON
CUE
MISSY JACK
Thank you sir, your a true
gentleman.
POWERFUL BREAK,
SOUND OF SINKING
POOL BALL
SLIM
Well I'll be, that's a mighty fine
break there missy. Where'd you
learn to do that?
MISSY JACK
Oh, out and about, and a miss
spent youth. Then I followed up in
VR actually.
CUE STRIKE. SOUND
OF SINKING POOL
BALL
SLIM
Well maybe that virtual nonsense
is useful after all.
CUE STRIKE. SOUND
OF SINKING POOL
BALL
MISSY JACK
Well it's certainly a lot cooler
than this place. How do you stop
the sweat under that hat?
SLIM
Well, if a told you that, I'd have
to kill yah, wouldn't I.
(Laughter).
MISSY JACK
(Nervous laugh) Oh my. Jeez its
really hot in here. Excuse me I
probably have panda eye, I think
my mascara is running.
SLIM
Now don't you go fretting on that
stuff MISSY, just focus on the
game play.
No one cares about how you look in
this fine establishment.
CUE STRIKE
MISSY JACK
Damn it.
SLIM
No shame in that. Tough shot that
one. Reverse double, most wouldn't
try it. Shows mental strength and
fortitude.
SOUND OF CHALK ON
CUE
SLIM
How interesting, that one leaves
me snookered on my ball.
CUE STRIKE. SOUND
OF JUMPING BALL.
BALL SINKS
MISSY JACK
Well, well, that doesn't seem to
be an issue for you though.
SLIM
I call it my jumping snake shot.
CUE STRIKE. BALL
SINKS
GHOST
Excuse me folks, here are your pre
ordered drinks. Red Rocket SLIM.
Tap water for the lady.
SLIM
Much obliged GHOST I need some
fuel for the old tank. (To MISSY
JACK) Oh, I see you are staying
clear headed tonight?
CUE STRIKE. BALL
SINKS
MISSY JACK
Well, it might be a plan, given
that I hear that you are the
champ.
SLIM
Oh, don't let that phase you. We
all have a run of luck. Sometimes
I win, most times I loose.
Its not the winning or the loosen
that matters its the game play.
MISSY JACK
Yeah, but winning is better,
right.
SLIM
Well maybe.
MISSY JACK
Definitely.(To GHOST) Sorry can I
bother you for some napkins? I'm
perspiring, well, ahh, like a
protestant on judgement day. I
don't want it to effect my game
and ruin the table.
SLIM
Lets take five MISSY, cool down.
MISSY JACK
OK, Phew.
SLIM
You feeling better MISSY?
MISSY JACK
Yes thank you SLIM lets keep
playing.
CUE STRIKE. BALL
SINKS
SLIM
Yeah this old tank room, she's a
hot one alright. Been trying to
get old GANDER to replace the
whole bastard ducting system for a
while now but it would mean
shutting the whole pub. That's not
going to happen until the spring.
CUE STRIKE. BALL
SINKS
MISSY JACK
Phew getting very hot and slightly
faint here SLIM.
SLIM
Yes I can see, its all that
leather you are wearing, it
doesn't help. GHOST can you fetch
a hand towel please can you dampen
it with water, thanking you.
GHOST
I hope this alleviates the
distress Miss.
MISSY JACK
I am not distressed, I can carry
on!
SLIM
Are you sure, we can call the game
on a dice throw if that's easier?
MISSY JACK
No, no, a hand towel is just fine
thanks.
CUE STRIKE. BALL
SINKS X 2, CLAPPING
FROM THE CROWD
SLIM
That's game young lady. Well
played. Let me buy you a drink.
MISSY JACK
Ahh yeah well done SLIM, good
game.
SLIM
Yes it was, you put up a good
fight. What're you having?
MISSY JACK
Oh, just have the same as you.
SLIM
GHOST, another round, make it two
pots of Red Rocket please. Oh
hello ZED how did your game go?
ZED
Oh, I lost, which was predictable
against DOILY, she quite the
player. I see you had a solid
finish to clean up SLIM. You
certainly live up to the
reputation.
SLIM
Thanks buddy, but I did have some
resistance so it wasn't an easy
match, this young lady here put up
a good fight. Ahh, Let me
introduce you. ZED this is ahh,
excuse me miss, I don't know your
non stage name Miss? (pause)
MISSY JACK
Oh, that's easy my real name is
the same, Hi I'm MISSY JACK.
ZED
Well just please just call me ZED,
my real name is too complicated.
Say, you look familiar, have we
met?
MISSY JACK
No I don't think so, at least not
in the real. I have recently been
in the virtual, so I may have run
into you there.
SOUND OF GHOST
DELIVERING DRINKS
ZED
Oh. Ahh, yes that's right. Um..
MISSY JACK
Didn't we play pool last week in
that medieval simulation
ZED
Well yeah. Um (PAUSE)
MISSY JACK
ZED you've got quite a reputation.
I'm glad to see you're as handsome
in the 'Real' as in the virtual.
SLIM
Excuse me MISSY, I hate to be so
forward, but it appears that the
heat is causing you, ahh, a
critical malfunction of wardrobe
in the frontage area.
MISSY JACK
What? Oh shit.
ZED
Oh, they are definitely not level
anymore. Your left breast is
moving.
MISSY JACK
(Horrified and rough voice) Oh
ohh, shit, they've come loose!
MISSY JACK embarrassed runs weeping from the room.
ZED
Wow, that was a sudden exit, why
would she wear false breasts like
that. SLIM was she transgendered
or a drag artist?
SLIM
Well, it's very difficult to know,
but I think she was a cis women,
at least that what I thought.
ZED
Yeah, well I don't care really,
but the reaction that was just
weird. There's something not quite
right.
SOPHIE
ZED, I don't mean to pry, but what
did you say to make her run out of
the room like that?
ZED
Nothing!
SOPHIE
What happened, you not talking
server code again.
ZED
No, I promise not computer stuff.
It was just that the breasts, they
started falling off.
SOPHIE
What?
ZED
The breast the left one started
moving down her chest, it was like
a giant slug or something.
SOPHIE
Oh, ZED, this is the affect you
have on women! She's not a drag
performer is she. My Gaydar
didn't pick up a thing. Why would
she wear such enormous fake boobs
especially to play pool.
SLIM
Well, I'm not an expert on the
accoutrements of the said DRAG
performers, but I've been around
enough of them to know that the
boob glue could hold a horses shoe
on for hours.
END
