Angel and May put on a show to catch a killer, the outcome is unexpected! Music produced by Bernard Houston sung by Mitzi Clifford written by John Kander and lyrics by Fred Ebb.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
Angel and May put on a show to catch a killer, the outcome is unexpected! Music produced by Bernard Houston sung by Mitzi Clifford written by John Kander and lyrics by Fred Ebb.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
S3-E17-PERFECTLY NOT MARVELLOUS
INT. THE OFFER - 6 - 3.2
LOCATION: Angel and May's Reception
Angel and May get volunteered to pretend to be drag
queens as they are the youngest and most attractive of
the combat trained persons. Training ALEX and SHARROW is
proving a challenge for MAURICE.
SOPHIE
Oh, hi GANDER, what brings you
here?
GANDER
Business, young SOPHIE, business.
You're looking radiant by the way.
I think this job really suits you.
Oh high JUDE I didn't know you
came over here as well, but its so
nice to see you to. Why are you
all dressed up.
JUDE
GANDER, I know you, what is it you
want? All this flattery is out of
character.
GANDER
Really, is that what you think of
me.
SOPHIE
No of course not GANDER, but
remember we are detective trained
now and we can see straight
through you!
GANDER
Well, then if you are so clever,
why do you think I am here?
SOPHIE
Well, I think you need SHARROW and
ALEX for something, probably a
show since MAURICE was running
around yesterday get props and
asked JUDE to do makeup on some
rubes. So that's why you are
here.
GANDER
I can see I will have to keep a
much closer eye on you in the
future! Anyway why is JUDE over
here?
JUDE
Oh, that's just for sport. SOPHIE
and me are torturing ZED.
GANDER
Girls' really that poor boy!
JUDE
It's got to be done GANDER we need
to cure him of LONELY PRINCESS
syndrome.
GANDER
Well, between you and me I thought
it was sweet, young love, it
showed he has a good heart, and
that's what matters.
JUDE
Yes we know, its only going to be
a 'light' roasting, just enough to
get the juices flowing.
GANDER
Well, then I suppose that's OK.
Keep up the good work. How is the
detective work treating you
SOPHIE?
SOPHIE
Great GANDER! I really enjoy it I
think it could become a long term
career for me.
GANDER
Well, I'm pleased to see you might
have found something at last!
SOPHIE
Thank you! Now to put on my
receptionist voice. Hello, how can
I help you madam!
GANDER
Oh, very good, your voice is
amazing, those voice lessons paid
off dah!
SOPHIE
You think so, to be honest I can't
tell anymore, being a boy was a
distant bad dream!
GANDER
Darling, you where never a boy,
ever! (Pause) So, are our two
young detectives in?
SOPHIE
Well, yes kind off! There up a
ladder in the back room, trying to
figure out how to stash the
evidence files.
GANDER
Shouldn't you be doing that?
SOPHIE
I refused on account that its just
embarrassingly old fashioned,
horribly dirty and I have just had
my nails done. I mean who uses
paper records nowadays?
GANDER
Well, actually I do. You would be
surprised how a physical
photograph can have amazing powers
of persuasion. It also can't be
hacked or deleted. I few physical
letters here and there, and
amazing things happen!
SOPHIE
(Giggle) You're an old romantic
GANDER you just love to do
extortion the old fashioned way.
GANDER
Yes well thank you, its the small
details that count. The most
important thing in this business
is to stick to what works. Now
should I go through?
SOPHIE
Oh, yes, third door on the left
down the corridor, watch when you
go in you might knock them off the
ladder.
GANDER
Dah, I'm going to enjoy this!
WALKING AND DOOR
ALEX
(Strained is if up a ladder
holding boxes) SHAS, can you hand
up a that red box with the mark on
the side.
SHARROW
What this one?
ALEX
No, the one next to it, yes that
one!
SHARROW
Jeez, it's heavy, be careful!
Look ALEX just put this box up on
the top shelf next to the blue
one.
ALEX
It doesn't fit.
SHARROW
You sure, just move the other's
over.
ALEX
I've already done that once, they
won't... urghh!
GANDER
Hello girls. Is that anyway to
talk to your employer?
ALEX
Ohh, Jeez, why do you always sneak
up like that, I nearly fell off.
GANDER
It's one of my vampiric qualities,
So having guilty feelings girls?
ALEX
No, it's just like you sneak up
silently, then bam!
SHARROW
Don't mind her GANDER, whatever it
is, she's to blame, and she will
be guilty. Its a pattern!
ALEX
Great thanks SHAS, throw me under
the bus, why don't yah!
ALEX comes down the ladder
LADDER CLIMB DOWN
SHARROW
So, to what, do we owe the
pleasure?
GANDER
Well not unsurprisingly I'm not
here for the view. We need to
talk. As a potential client, could
we do it in a more salubrious
setting?
SHARROW
Yes of course, the office, this
way.
They move to the office
FOOTSTEPS WOOD
SHARROW
Coffee GANDER.
GANDER
Thank you no, I have just had one
over at the Retro. You know GHOST
makes a good coffee as well as
cocktails, she is really the best
bar maid we have ever had.
SHARROW
Look's really hot now, in her new
body.
GANDER
Yes its definitely pleasing to the
eye. We owe KRIS a big debt of
gratitude for that kind gesture.
(Pause) So as you know we are
pursuing this killer very hard,
forensically and security-wise,
and you have both been heavily
involved in those initiatives.
However I want to start another
initiative and probably the most
important one.
SHARROW
Oh, yes, what's that.
GANDER
We need a lure, we need to go
fishing so to speak, go proactive.
This means we need to replace
MONICA, with some another
performer, or two.
ALEX
Let me guess, you want SOPHIE and
JUDE. You should ask them
directly! We would obviously give
SOPHIE time off and JUDE is part
of the regulars anyway.
GANDER
No! No! You misunderstand. I need
strong girls who can sing and
dance and then instantly deliver a
karate blow to the throat. Float
like butterflies, then sting like
bees. I want you!
ALEX
What! (Pause) Oh, shit your
serious. We have never been on
stage.
GANDER
No, but you are, this I believe
the correct lingo 'a tuff mo fo'
and you can look after yourself in
close combat. You're young and
have good legs, what's not to
like. (Chuckle)
SHARROW
Quite a lot actually!
GANDER
I need you too SHARROW, you will
both be a performance sensation!
SHARROW on the piano and harmony,
ALEX singing lead sexy and more
importantly, deadly! MAURICE will
be on stage too!
ALEX
Oh jeez, I'm think I'm having a
panic attack SHAS, I see marching
teddies!
SHARROW
Hold on ALEX, SOPHIE some water
please! (Pause) Have you lost your
marbles GANDER I haven't played
for years and I'm not sure ALEX
can sing. Seriously have you seen
her in heels and spangles. It
will definitely be a sensation,
but in all the wrong ways.
GANDER
Yes but it's easier to teach you
how to put on a bad show, than to
teach the other drag queens how to
defend themselves. Combat skills
need to backed by a certain
attitude, that can't be taught.
Compare that to prancing around a
stage singing to canned music and
its a doddle.
SHARROW
But we are women! If I am not
mistaken don't Drag artists have
to play the opposite gender
otherwise it's not kosher!
GANDER
Well, exceptions can be made, you
both half man anyway! I'll get
JUDE and SOPHIE to do your make
up.
ALEX
Yeah, definitely seeing them SHAS,
their marching towards me, they
have nasty red eyes!
GANDER
What's wrong with her?
SHARROW
You've triggered a panic attack.
She's normally OK with combat, but
the threat of dancing in heels
it's a little too much! She is
having a panic attack! Hang on she
just needs me to press the reboot
button!
SHARP SLAP TO FACE
SHARROW
Soldier, combat positions!
ALEX
Ahhh!
SHARROW
Breath, in then out, breath.
GANDER
Need I remind you both that you
owe me big time, so this is me
calling in that favour.
SHARROW
Yes we will do it, just let me
sort this one out!
GANDER
OK, well sorry to say but time is
of the essence. Perhaps you could
sell it to soldier girl here as
deep cover work, all part of you
portfolio of detective skills.
Its a paid gig as well so don't
worry about your time.
MAURICE is expecting you over in
the main bar stage one. I look
forward to your performances. Good
day drag girls!
INT. PREPERATION - 6 - 4
LOCATION: Retrograde - Main Bar
MAURICE starts to try and train ALEX and SHARROW for the
act that he wants them to perform. They get some slight
shading from RITA, JUDE and SOPHIE but the push back!
MAURICE
Girls, girls! So good to see you!
So glad you agreed to do this.
ALEX
Don't push it buddy.
MAURICE
Now, now, lets have some
positivity please, this is a
fabulous opportunity for you to
learn new skills. Now the first
thing is to get you dressed
appropriately! We have some
leotards, tights and shoes in
changing room one.
ALEX
I'm not a ballerina!
MAURICE
No but I need to see your body,
see how you move, that's the first
thing we are going to work on.
Then in an hour we have a piano
lesson for you SHARROW in the
small bar, whilst we do dance with
ALEX on the main stage. So chop,
chop, we don't have all day.
SHARROW and ALEX reluctantly go through to the dressing
room.
DOOR WOODEN
CANDY
Oh my, looked what the cat dragged
in, little Ms Scowly and Bo-peep!
ALEX
Gerrrh!
RITA
Ohhh! So she is going for the
scary drag look.
SHARROW
I'd back off if I was you, she
eats Queens for breakfast, then
spits out the pieces.
CANDY
RITA, we have strangers in our
midst. JUDE, SOPHIE your victims,
Um client are here.
JUDE
Oh, this is going to be so good.
SOPHIE
You've got to be F***g kidding me.
ALEX in tights and a leotard and
then to top it off heels.
ALEX
I really need to speak with you
SOPHIE back at the office.
SOPHIE
Really you want war, when I have
the mascara, you are brave!
SHARROW
So where do we find the bits like
the top hats and mini-tails,
MAURICE wants us trussed up
immediately?
RITA
We gave you, MONICA's locker, she
won't be needing it anymore. (Sob)
We hope you don't mind.
SHARROW
Oh shit! (Pause) Look I'm sorry
girls, but we hate this as much as
you, were just trying to help.
Any advice on our act will be
appreciated.
RITA
We will do what we can, but this
art form takes years to master
darling even with MARICE's guiding
hands and unfortunately you appear
to be the wrong cis-gender!
ALEX
Well, if MAURICE's hand come
anywhere near me, he will sure end
up with some broken fingers for
sure.
SOPHIE
You know think about it, this has
got to be a world first, a
transgender male to female artist,
is making up a cis-female to
pretend to be a man playing a
women aided by a man who actually
is playing a women. Shit, its a
gender nightmare!
ALEX
Well, what ever it is, I don't
like it!
SOPHIE
Shush you and sit in that chair,
let us get to work. JUDE what do
you want to do? Hair or face?
JUDE
You do the face, she scares me,
its the nasty glaring eyes. Hair
is much safer, I'm behind her,
with a hot straightening iron! I
will do face on the nice one, Ms
MAY!
SHARROW
ALEX, simmer down darling, get
into the vibe, think of it as
undercover work. Having all this
attention, your skin won't know
what has happened. It will be like
a weed patch that has never
experienced fertiliser!
ALEX
Darling! Darling! Really SHAS,
When have you ever called me
darling! Jeez, under cover,
arghhh! More like totally exposed
and presented for the kill on
stage.
SHARROW
Hugs, and kisses darling! Break a
leg! Get into the role otherwise
what kind of detective are you!
ALEX
Arghhh!
INT. PRACTICE 6 - 4.1
LOCATION: Retrograde - Main Bar
MAURICE is trying to put SHARROW and ALEX through their
paces, but it is proving challenging.
MAURICE
Now I want you to go on the stage
and simply walk around. I need to
get to see how you move. Sorry,
hang on what are those shoes?
SHARROW
They are dance shoes MAURICE,
isn't that what you wanted.
MAURICE
No. No, you are not dancing. This
is not a big dance number its more
cabaret! You will have to have
sparkles and heels. Top hats and
tails. So we need to get you used
to walking in heels.
ALEX
I don't do heels.
MAURICE
You do now, JUDE dear, get the
normal performance heels for non
dancers please.
JUDE
What sizes are you?
ALEX
Size 9 universal
SHARROW
I'm a small 8
JUDE
MAURICE do we carry the small
sizes. Our stuff tends to be for
the more 'robust' as in real men,
not chicks pretending to be men,
pretending to be women!
MAURICE
Go to my office there are two new
shoes sets, I purchased them
yesterday.
SHARROW
How did you know our sizes?
MAURICE
I asked SOPHIE.
ALEX
So let me understand this, SOPHIE
knew all about this yesterday and
didn't tell us. Why that little
minx, when I get hold of her!
MAURICE
Oh, yes GANDER and myself have
been working on this for two days.
That's how we know the music and
the moves. Information is
dispensed on a need to know basis
around these parts, you know how
it works. OK, get those on
please.
ALEX
Oh, my god look at the heels!
MAURICE
Yes they are high, it makes you
boobs and bum stick out, its what
the punters want.
ALEX
SHARROW, can you walk in these.
SHARROW
No problem girl, I love heels, its
about time you discovered your
inner women ALEX. I think this
will do you some good, your inner
man has come to much to the
foreground, I need to fem you up.
You move like a boilermaker, with
gorilla arms, this should
ameliorate that.
ALEX
OK ALEX concentrate, don't think
of the teddies, not the teddies!
MAURICE
What did you say! OK now walk
slowly, try and be as elegant as
possible. Point those toes. Oh,
hello SOPHIE, have you come to
watch.
SOPHIE
MAURICE, nothing in this universe
could stop me from watching this
shit show unfold, its pure gold!
TIME PASSING
MAURICE
So, lets just run through this OK?
SHARROW is at the piano, smiling
and tinkling, the auto synths kick
in and. ALEX you are in the
harness, you drop one, two three
and release. Cue show tune. Leg
up show those sexy heels, cross
the legs at the ankles, no, no,
don't let the legs move apart,
cross them at the ankles.
ALEX
(Whispered through gritted teeth)
SHAS I'm going to go down there
and I'm going to clock the smug
bastard.
SHARROW
What in those heels? I don't think
so! How are you going to get down
those stairs?
ALEX
I'm going to leap from the stage,
I think I can just make it!
MAURICE
OK, ALEX, legs out straight, head
thrown back, then slowly slide
backwards legs down and sink
behind the piano, there will be
some velvet to hide behind. Then
lights down and end of act.
Bravo. That's the first time we
have gone all the way through. We
need to practice the part with the
umbrella and the chair, but lets
call that even for now. Girls you
both have singing lessons next
door, small bar. SHARROW you seem
to have taken to the costume, with
gusto.
SHARROW
MAURICE don't mind me I'm the
girly one, I'm good with dresses
and heels. Its the other one you
need to worry about!
MAURICE
Yes, I'm starting to see that. Now
ALEX you need to wear those shoes
as much as you can over the next
few days. You need to get used to
them.
ALEX
But they hurt and they are wobbly!
MAURICE
All great art is pain darling!
SHARROW
Come on hold my elbow, we will get
you through this partner, its not
so bad.
INT. PERFECTLY NOT MARVELLOUS - 6 - 4.2
LOCATION: Retrograde - Main Bar - Stage 1
ALEX and SHARROW perform their show for the first time to
the public. ALEX get her costume caught in the flying
chair and then falls, but recovers and finishes they just
about get through the act. MAURICE needs smelling salts
at the end as does ALEX.
GANDER
Ladies and gentle persons of all
types, Bienvenido, Welcome,
Välkommen, Willkommen! and finally
dobro pozhalovat! You are about to
experience a show of such historic
significance, indeed it goes back
to the very beginning of Cabaret
performance. Indulge me, let me
paint you a picture. Imagine for
one moment you are in Berlin, the
year is 1934, you have experienced
a life of hardship and
deprivation, then you see this!
Spot light fades and curtains open to a darkened stage,
with a simple table.
CHEN
Are you girls ready?
ALEX
Yes I'm in the chair.
CHEN
SHARROW?
SHARROW
Yes ready!
CHEN
OK then, scene two lights cue
three go.
Performance of Perfectly Marvellous from Cabaret.
CHEN
Cue lower chair quickly , she's
off chair, raise chair
ALEX
So, if anyone should ask about you
and me, you have two alternatives:
you can either say, "Oh, yes, it's
true. We're living in delicious
sin." Or you can simply tell the
truth, and say:
CHEN
Cue music, go!
MUSIC STARTS
ALEX
I met this perfectly marvellous
girl in this perfectly wonderful
place, as I lifted a glass to the
start of a marveli... ohhh!
CHEN
Her scarf its caught in the chair.
ALEX
Arghhh! Bugger! Argh, (ripping
sound) marvellous year! Argh!
Before I knew that she called on
the phone, inviting, next moment I
was no longer alone. But, such,
reciting. Some perfectly beautiful
burst, my charming American style,
arghh (Slips then crashes to the
floor.
CHEN
SHARROW get on, forget the piano,
she needs your support, just hold
her arm.
DANCE RUN ONTO
STAGE THEN
SCRABBLING
MUSIC CONTINUES
ALEX
How I dazzle their senses, a truly
a last minute cry.
SHARROW
Now I've this perfect marvellous
girl, in my perfect beautiful
room.
ALEX
And we're living together, and
having a marvellous time.
MAURICE
(Male suitor voice) Sally I'm
afraid this wouldn't work out,
you're much to distracting.
CHEN
She's off her mark! Cue back prop.
ALEX
Distracting. No inspiring!
(muffled as curtain comes done on
top of ALEX, who fights the
curtain eventually coming around
the side)
MAURICE
Ahh, oh!
ALEX
She tells me perfectly marvellous
tales Of her thrillingly
scandalous life Which I'll
probably use As a chapter or two
in my book. And since my stay in
Berlin was to force Creation,
What luck to fall on a fabulous
source
Of stimulation.
SHARROW
Of stimulation!
ALEX
And perfectly marvellous, too, Is
her perfect agreement to be Just
as still as a mouse When I'm
giving my novel a whirl. Yes, I've
a highly agreeable life In my
perfectly beautiful room
With my nearly invisible,
Perfectly marvellous, girl.
CHEN
Come on SHARROW get her to move
over, she's too far off mark on
the, oh! Too late.
Curtain comes down and hides ALEX who has to fight around
it to get front of stage.
MAURICE
Sally- I just can't afford... Do
you have any money?
ALEX
A few marks... Six!
MAURICE
Oh, God!
ALEX
Oh, please, Cliff- just for a day
or two? Please!
MAURICE
I... met... this... Truly
remarkable girl In this really
incredible town, And she skill
fully managed To talk her way in
to my room.
ALEX
Oh, Cliff!
MAURICE
I have a terrible feeling I've
said A dumb thing.
Beside, I've only got one narrow
bed.
ALEX
We'll think of something.
[ACCOMPANIMENT]
MAURICE
And now this wild, unpredictable
girl.
ALEX
And this perfectly beautiful man.
MAURICE
Will be living together and having
a marvellous time.
CHEN
Curtain down, lights cue ten. Next
scene.
LUKE WARM CLAPPING
MAURICE
I, well, that was interesting, I
never thought we would get through
it, CHEN I need a drink.
CHEN
We only have water back stage.
MAURICE
Well, that's something that I will
have to change.
SOPHIE runs in, excited.
SOPHIE
That was amazing, guys amazing,
oh, ALEX are you OK?
MAURICE
Smelling salts, its the stress,
(clicking of fingers) ALEX breath,
breath. Deeply, in and out, in and
out.
ALEX
That was worse than the worst
firefight, oh, my god, but I did
it.
SHARROW
You certainly did, and I'm proud
of you.
SOPHIE
ALEX you and SHARROW were amazing,
you were so good too MAURICE so
manly and in control.
MAURICE
Oh, thank you darling, but we all
know it was a travesty, but, not
as bad as I thought. Now both of
you girls shape up and get out and
work the bar. That's what this
whole thing is about. Then if that
doesn't work we have another week
of rehearsals and another go next
Thursday.
ALEX
I'm almost hoping to get kidnapped
tonight, at least it would
minimise the pain.
INT. WORKING THE BAR- 6 - 4.3
LOCATION: Retrograde - Main Bar
ALEX and SHARROW move to the bar half exhausted from the
act and start working the clients to she what they can
shake down.
ALEX
SHAS I have new respect for those
queens, this is seriously hard
work!
SHARROW
Oh, I have always known that. Got
to be tough to survive this game.
ALEX
SHAS what do you think, head for
the middle, then gradually work
outwards. Remember keep the voice
low, you're a man!
SHARROW
Oh really, you think! Talk about
stating the obvious. Oh hello,
GHOST, red rocket please.
GHOST
Coming up. Your performance was
most gratifying my emotional
sensors showed a generally
positive response, but they
wavered in the middle section with
an unaccustomed amount of tension.
SHARROW
Yeah, that's about right! You
should have seen it from our point
of view!
GHOST
Oh, what was that like?
SHARROW
Utterly terrifying. I had
butterflies on my butterflies.
BAR PROP GUY
Hello, I really enjoyed the comedy
performance, it gave a new twist
to that old song!
SHARROW
Ahhh! Thank you! Say are you a
regular?
BAR PROP GUY
Yeah, been coming for years, love
the shows, brightens up my
Thursday nights! Your show was
fun, not bad for a first time!
SHARROW
Thanks, hopefully it will get
better.
BAR PROP GUY
Don't make it too slick, the
mistakes were the best part!
SHARROW
Not much danger of that.
JACINTA
(Datavise) Move on we know him, he
is a regular, unlikely to be
suspect.
SHARROW
Well, thank you. Look I have got
to nip to the facilities, see you,
enjoy the shows!
JACINTA
(Datavise) Don't forget go into
the men's and keep you voice low,
it was starting to creep up.
SHARROW
I'm trying, but I was never
intended to be a man.
JACINTA
(Datavise) Never a truer word
sister!
SHARROW pops into the loos in order to shake the first
John. She nearly goes into the girls room, but then
remembers she is supposed to be playing a guy playing a
women.
SHARROW
(Whispered) Now how do I use this
thing.
JACINTA
(Datavise) Remember its like when
you pee in the woods.
SHARROW
(Startled) Oh hello!
FABER
I watched your show, it was
(Pause) different. You are new
here aren't you?
SHARROW
(Trying to put on a deep voice)
Yes, we just joined the troop last
week.
FABER
You have a very convincing female
look?
SHARROW
I have good bone structure, from
my mothers side of the family.
FABER
Why do you dress as a women?
SHARROW
What, its a drag show dude!
FABER
Yes but what compels you?
SHARROW
Look, its just an act, I don't
want to be a women, if that's what
you mean? It's a hobby, and I love
the subversion, the rule breaking!
FABER
Don't you think it might encourage
the wrong sort of behaviour?.
SHARROW
No of course not. In fact I think
it encourages people to see that
presentation is not the package,
its what inside that counts. Look
I don't really see the need to
discuss this. I would have
thought it was obvious, if your
coming in to see the shows.
FABER
Yes well, just asking.
SHARROW exits the toilets.
SHARROW
(Datavise) JACINTA, I just had a
very strange conversation, with a
bloke in the toilets. There is
something about him. Can you put
this one on the watch list.
JACINTA
Roger, I have the camera's
recording the exit of the men's.
Got, him, just walk up to the bar
and talk to ALEX, keep your back
to him and don't look at him.
SHARROW
OK, ALEX her I come, take a look
at this dude, he is giving out all
the wrong signals.
JACINTA
There is something wrong. I can't
put my finger on it. No wait, its
the way he moves I think. Its not
quite right. I definitely think
he is a potential watch candidate.
SHARROW
ALEX, how are you, working the
crowd I see. (Whispered) Candidate
at my 2 o'clock, don't look, we
don't want to think he has been
clocked.
ALEX
Good work, darling, your hair is
amazing, looks like a beaver nest?
SHARROW
Well, yours's is looking like
you've been sleeping in it. These
false eye lashes are so heavy I
think my lids are going to close!
JACINTA
Jeez you two. I'm starting to
loose the will to live up here, do
you know how boring your small
talk is. I'm stuck in the camera
suite, its like watching the
worlds most lame soap. You girls
have seriously got to learn how to
shade properly. You need to
observe RITA and CANDY, those
bitches could cut you down at two
hundred meters. (Pause) Oh, wait I
think our target is getting ready
to leave the club.
END