It's not a good idea to sell a fake, stolen painting back to the person who lost it in the first instance.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
It's not a good idea to sell a fake, stolen painting back to the person who lost it in the first instance.
Angel and May is an audio-only podcast, produced by a not-for-profit group of community theatre supporters.
See more on our website: www.angelandmay.com
Please support us through our Patreon page as we have no other source of income.
S3-E20-ROPE RELIEF
INT. CULM MADNESS - 10 - 5
LOCATION: Francis CULM's Home.
COBO and SLIM visit what they think we be the one person
who will bid high for the painting. They offer the work
to a FRANCIS CULM, who has a fit of anger and points to a
gap on his wall. Cut to scene of CULM going bonkers when
SLIM and COBO try to sell painting. CULM smashes the fake
painting and holds SLIM captive and says they have six
hours to find the original and bring it back.
COBO
So as you can see, we recovered
the piece intact! I understand
that you have a liking for Falero
and thought that this might add to
your collection.
CULM
Yes I see, its a FALERO. Now Mr
COBO please cast your eyes over to
my wall here.
COBO
Ah!
CULM
Yes Mr COBO its a gap. Do you
know what that means?
COBO
Ah, that you were the original
owner of the painting?
CULM
Very good Mr COBO. Now please
explain to me why I should not
have both of you killed.
SLIM
No hold on there!
CULM
Shut it!
COBO
Well, this isn't the original, we
are long con artists sir.
Member's of your profession.
CULM
How do you know what my profession
is. You disgust me.
Now I will make this really
simple. I will hold you friend
here (Pointing to SLIM) as a
hostage. You have six hours to
get my painting back. Criminals
like yourself will find that easy.
After that I will start cutting
bits off your friend and
delivering them to you.
Understand?
COBO
Yes! But!
CULM
The clock is ticking Mr COBO.
COBO
But we don't know who has you
painting!
PHYSICAL STRUGGLE.
CULM
So big cowboy, lets see how you
like low Oxygen, that'll calm you
down.
PHYSICAL STRUGGLE,
THEN PUNCH
COBO
Don't kill him OK. (Sigh) OK, OK,
I will find your painting, but he
better not be harmed.
CULM
Now lets have a look at this piece
of shit copy. Hmm, its actually
surprisingly good, if I hadn't had
the original I might have been
fooled. I will not allow you to
sell this to another collector.
(Smashing and ripping sounds) Two
things: Firstly I don't appreciate
having grifters scamming me for
several hundred thousand credits.
Secondly (Raising voice) I want my
original painting back. Do you
understand?
COBO
But we don't have your painting,
we didn't steal it.
CULM
Well, its not my problem now is
it, its your problem.
Smart grifters like you should be
able to find it. You have six
hours to get it. Mr Cowboy here,
will be my play thing until there
is nothing left to cut off. Boys
string up Mr COBO here to show him
I am serious and then phone his
colleagues to enable him to
enforce the urgency of his new
mission. The next time I hear
from you, you better good news or
you friend is a dead man.
PAPER RIPPING NOISE
CULM
No get this idiot out of here and
stuff this in his belt.
INT. ROPE RELIEF - 10 - 6
LOCATION: Industrial airlock facility
COBO hanging from a rope, explains that it is not a good
idea to try and sell a stolen painting back to the person
it was originally stolen from. GANDER RUDI SLIM and ALEX
arrive and cut him down.
STREACHING OF ROPE
OCCASIONAL GRUNT
SCREACH AND
WHIRRING OF
ELECTRIC VEHICLE,
LOCK DOOR.
GANDER
Oh my god MILTON, what are you
doing up there, Are you all right?
Where is SLIM?
COBO
In CULMS building. He is going to
have pieces removed until we
return the original. GANDER we
have a big problem.
GANDER
Oh really, I thought everything
was going according to plan?
COBO
We had a bad meeting, a very bad
meeting.
GANDER
Oh, dear god, why are this grifts
so complicated?
JACINTA
COSTAS can you take his weight.
COSTAS
Of course Sarg.
JACINTA
Easy. Easy.
COBO
Ahhh! CULM he wasn't happy when he
saw the painting, because its was
nicked from him in the first
place.
GANDER
Trackamina, we don't have the
original. What happens if we can't
find the painting.
COBO
He was quite specific in a very
graphic sense, poor SLIM is a very
dead man.
INT. ON THE WHEEL - 10-7
LOCATION: CULM's Gymnasium.
SLIM is held on horrible torture rack and is attempting
to break free. Culm is monologing.
CULM
Do you like my gymnasium device Mr
WINCHELL?
SLIM
It appears effective.
CULM
Oh yes it is, very effective. My
only complaint is the cleaning we
have to do after it is used.
SLIM
I can imagine. You have quite a
nice little torture room here Mr
CULM.
CULM
Thank you. Its nice to be
appreciated.
SLIM
You know they don't have your
painting don't you? They are just
a bunch of grifters trying to
survive.
CULM
Well, Mr Cowboy, yes, I obviously
understand that, but where I come
from, we have a culture where eye
for an eye, and tooth for a tooth,
is the way things get done. That
creed was drummed in to me in my
childhood. I am simply following
my fathers training. Your crack
team of grifters will have no
problem locating the stolen
painting and retrieving it. That
is if they are any good at their
game.
SLIM
Yes they'll have it in no time,
sure they will. You just see!
CULM
Oh I intend to Mr Cowboy in the
mean time try not to suffocate!
INT. HEAD SCRATCHING - 10 - 8
LOCATION: Retrograde - Small Bar
GANDER, RUDI, COBO SHARROW and ALEX try and figure out
what to do next. Few calls of trying old contacts, no
luck. ALEX suggests they go back to mad dyke forger as
she might have contacts in the business and may know the
potential real thieves. ALEX is being prepared for the
mental torture of visiting HESSE.
SHARROW
I'm sorry ALEX but for the good of
the many, the needs of the one
must be sacrificed.
ALEX
Just quoting Spock, back at me,
really indicates things must be
desperate.
SHARROW
They are ALEX, as you well know.
CULM will not hesitate to kill,
you know how these East Europeans
types are. He is a cold hearted
killer.
COBO
She is right ALEX I don't think
there is any other way!(Prepares
for oration) Once more unto the
breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our
English dead. In peace there's
nothing so becomes a man As modest
stillness and humility: But when
the blast of war blows in our
ears, Then imitate the action of
the tiger;
ALEX
Yes that's all very well MILTON,
but I am the one that has to snog
her. So what sacrifices are you
making?
COBO
Ah, yes, you do have a point, but
I can't think of any other way.
I'm sorry!
RUDI
Its a tricky time to instigate a
full on military raid to recover
SLIM because we have quite a few
troops at the pirates base fixing
the airlock doors? ALEX managed
to really screw them up!
ALEX
Thanks I like to think I have
skills in the screw up area!
GANDER
I don't think it's that easy RUDI,
I know this man he has very
considerable resources. We would
definitely have collateral damage.
I think we reserve that option as
a last resort.
RUDI
OK, I get the holo tanks set up
and inform BOY and see who we do
have around, just in case.
INT. DESPERATE TIMES - 10 - 9
LOCATION: Mad HESSE studio.
COBO, SHARROW and ALEX visit Mad HESSE to see what she
may know. Forger demands that ALEX give her a big snog
and then she may tell them.
ALEX is very reluctant but has no choice but to go
through with it. Forger then says she will know more in a
couple of hours.
COBO
So HESSE, try and focus please!
Now the Falero, the "Twin Stars"
HESSE
You've already had your copy! I've
already done it.
COBO
No, no I'm talking about the real
one.
HESSE
Oh, the second floozy she's got
really nice eyes and the makeup is
so colourful.
COBO
HESSE, focus on the painting, have
you any idea who nicked it?
HESSE
How would I know that?
COBO
Has anyone said anything?
HESSE
Said what?
COBO
About the painting?
HESSE
What painting?
COBO
The Falero!
HESSE
I don't know who nicked it.
COBO
That's what I am asking!
HESSE sits down with exasperation. Sees SHARROW then
burst out with a cackle.
HESSE
Who are you?
SHARROW
I'm SHARROW
HESSE
What are you doing in my studio?
SHARROW
Oh, ahhh, I'm with MILTON.
HESSE
This is your first floozie MILTON?
COBO
No, no HESSE your the only women
for me.
HESSE
Ahhh, (looking at SHARROW) Oh
unlucky dear!
COBO
HESSE do you know who has the
painting. Was their someone who
mentioned Falero, or a collector
at an auction or anything. A
private collector perhaps or a
previous failed auction bid,
anything please HESSE.
HESSE
I know where every piece of fine
art is in New London. I can smell
them. (Sniffing sound) Except this
one!
COBO
Is there any way you could track
it down?
ALEX
HESSE whats the word on the
street?
HESSE
Oh, the second floozy speaks! Do
I look like a street urchin, what
do you think I am?
COBO
HESSE we need to find it.
HESSE
(Sigh) I will see what I can do if
she (Pointing at ALEX) snogs me.
JAWS THEME
ALEX
Ah, I don't wan..
SHARROW
ALEX think of SLIM.
ALEX
I ohhh!
SHARROW
ALEX!
ALEX
Ahhhh! OK going in! Urghh!
HORRIBLE SNOGGING
SOUND - PORTAMENTO
VIOLINS DESCENDING
HESSE
Little chuckle and sigh.
COBO
Well HESSE?
HESSE
Oh, I should know in a couple of
hours. Send the second floozy.
Points at ALEX.
INT. GUT WRENCHING RACK - 10 - 10
LOCATION: CULM's Gymnasium.
SLIM is on rack wheel thing in Gym, when CULM and THUG
visit. They calmly discuss various torture methods
SLIM
Arghh! (Whispered under breath)
Ah! If I can just get that glass.
Easy SLIM take it easy.
DOOR OPENS
THUG 1
What should I do boss.
CULM
Hit him again, we don't want him
waking up. Give him some of that
TASER.
THUG 1
My pleasure boss!
TASER AND GROANING
SLIM
Arghhh!
CULM
I still maintain that cutting bits
off earlier is the way to go. He
looks quite strong. I think he
will last.
THUG 1
What ever you want boss.
SLIM
Ahh!
CULM
Whats the matter cowboy, your
spurs not so straight now are
they?
INT. GRASS IS GREENER - 10 - 11
LOCATION: GANDER's Office
Back at retrograde they are wondering what to do. COBO
suggests touching up another grass he knows rather than
waiting for Mad HESSE. They decide to send SHARROW as she
is pretty, but have to tart ALEX up to make her more
presentable, for as they know this grass like a pretty
face. This grass informs them that he doesn't know about
art but that a big league nicking team arrived two days
before from Mars, they usually nick to order.
GANDER
I touched all my contacts but no
one knows anything.
SHARROW
That's unlikely, with your
connections!
GANDER
Well, I do know one thing these
thieves are not from New London.
COBO
I have one long shot, a grass I
used to know, he is reasonably
reliable, but fairly unpleasant.
He is in Stack City. I don't
think I should go alone.
GANDER
Agreed, I'll get JACINTA to tag,
you at a distance.
COBO
This fellow is a misogynistic twat
of the first order, but he really
does have an ear to the ground.
If anyone knows anything it will
be him. I think we need to make
ALEX less 'aggressive' and extract
her from the Normelion armour and
combat boots. That sort of look
might stir up the dust where we
are going.
ALEX
But I feel comfortable in this
armour, its my second skin.
SHARROW
Well its only for a couple of
hours and your combat skills may
be useful. Its in a rough part of
town, apparently!
TIME PASSING
ALEX
Why do I have trouble walking in
these stupid heels.
SHARROW
You should have been a guy. I
think its God's way of playing a
big joke on you girl.
ALEX
Yes, I would like to give him a
punch, but I like being a girl
SHAS, especially with other girls.
That doesn't include that HESSE
woman, argh! She is horrible!
SHARROW
Yes I know, but you took it for
the team like the soldier that you
are.
ALEX
These shoes are killing me, how
far do we have to walk!
SHARROW
Stop complaining, we are getting a
auto cab. You look radiant.
ALEX
Like a badly maintained reactor
you mean!
SHARROW
Yes exactly.
GANDER
RUDI come in. My contacts inform
me that we really don't want to
storm this CULM fellow's citadel.
Apparently he received a large
shipment of auto-guns three years
ago. I don't think we want to
storm against a hail of that sort
of fire.
RUDI
OK shit, that's that option gone
then. Look I think you have no
choice but to use the stealthy
method. The RCBS is too blunt a
weapon for this sort of thing.
GANDER
Agreed. Thanks for you support,
I'll keep you posted of
developments.
SHARROW
OK GANDER we are going, the cab is
here!
GANDER
Well, good luck, report back when
your done. Send this address and
details of this fellow to my
email. If you don't come back at
least I can get retribution.
COBO
Thanks, thats reassuring!
TIME PASSING
SOUNDS OF CAFE
COBO
ALEX go easy on this fellow, arts
not really his thing, but he picks
up all sorts of useful
information.
BENNY
COBO, I've got the singing dogs if
that's any good to you! What's the
matter its a classic. I used to
have that bird poster, you know
the one on the tennis court
scratching her bum but
unfortunately it received
unexpected knife damage.
SHARROW
Knife damage?
BENNY
Domestic dispute. Birds don't
really get art do they, its a well
known fact.
ALEX
Oh, is it now?
BENNY
Well, you seem to get it, (peering
through greasy spectacles at ALEX)
but then you not really a full
bird are you.
ALEX
Well, I can tell you, you will
never find out.
COBO
BENNY manners!
BENNY
Well, Birds, they got no patience
for it, have they. That's why all
the major artists are men. They
got no patience for anything.
ALEX
Please let me hit him MILTON
COBO
No ALEX at least, not yet!
BENNY
You see they would be half way
through the Mono Lisa, then they
would get bored and start colour
coding there shoes collection.
COBO
Look BENNY can we please get back
to the matter in hand.
BENNY
Which is?
COBO
The Twin Stars by Falero.
BENNY
Who the f** is that, sounds like a
right greasy knob!
COBO
He is a Spanish watercolour
artist, he has painted some quite
exotic art.
BENNY
Well if its erotic, I'm surprised
that I've not heard of him. But
then I do have rather pecuniary
tastes. More tea luv!
COBO
Its been nicked and we need to
know who nicked it.
BENNY
Like I say MILTON, and I have told
you this before, arts not really
my thing.
COBO
Yes, but have you heard anything.
BENNY
Well, of course.
COBO
What then?
BENNY
Well I hear it was nicked. Look,
(pausing to eye up SHARROW) I
don't suppose there is any chance
of sympathy shag with the fair
haired one? Think of it as
charity!
FACE SLAP
SHARROW
None!
COBO
SHARROW play nice.
SHARROW
I'm not playing that nice!
BENNY
Oww, thats cutting! (Pause) I'll
take that as a no then.
SHARROW
You better, otherwise there will
be pain in you near future.
COBO
Look BENNY you remember SLIM the
cowboy fella.
BENNY
What you mean, the one that shot
up the bar across the street a
couple of years ago?
COBO
Yes, well he is in trouble we need
your help.
BENNY
Yes. (Pause) Well, I'm waiting,
you haven't haggled yet?
COBO
You're going to charge us for this
non information?
BENNY
Excuse me, if I'm not mistaken
this is the asteroid belt, which
is I believe a capitalist society.
COBO
But I'm an old friend and have
asked a favour and we go back a
long way.
BENNY
Well you're really more of an
acquaintance really, and you been
banged up for several years. Not
much business has come out of you
for some time.
COBO
Look you conniving, scum bag.
ALEX
MILTON, ahem!
COBO
OK, we will pay.
BENNY
Well, that being said, I'm willing
to make a discount for friends and
family.
COBO
How much?
BENNY
Call it a round starburst.
COBO
Fifty credits and we will pay for
your breakfast.
ALEX
Just pay the man!
COBO
This is to much!
BLEEP
SHARROW
Might be an idea to wash you hands
after this!
BENNY
I would like to wash my hands on
you missy.
SHARROW
MILTON, where did you meet this
guy?
COBO
Don't ask!
BENNY
Look can we get on with this I
want to finish my breakfast.
COBO
So what do you know?
BENNY
Now I can't tell if this just
coincidence, but my contacts at
the port told me that the day
before the painting was nicked a
hard core crew arrived from 16
Physic. They call themselves the
'Rabasca Brothers'. They hired an
apartment uptown in the mansion
quarter.
COBO
You have the address?
BENNY
Of course. Now all I know about
them is they nick to order, high
value items. They used to be tech
mercs. They are tooled up and
needless to say not to be messed
with. Of course they could be here
for something else, like sight
seeing, but its got to be worth
asking the question isn't it?
INT. DIRECT APPROACH - 10 - 12
LOCATION: Mansion Quarter - Rabasca brothers rented House
ALEX, SHARROW, GANDER and COBO go out to see if they can
pressure the nicking team into giving them the original
painting. They offer to pay them and then knick the
painting back. The thieves respect them but refuse and
fighting them is not an option.
ALEX
I feel weird in civvies, its not
natural.
SHARROW
Relax you look great, you have a
fine physic!
ALEX
Thank you marm!
SHARROW
No problem.
GANDER
Well, walking around this
neighbourhood in an military spec
armoured exoskeleton, would ring
so many alarms that I don't even
want to think about it!
COBO
Nice properties, not cheap to
rent, even for a couple of days.
Its not a low class neighbourhood.
This means they are a classy
operation, well planned.
GANDER
Well, we could have guessed that
from the caper. So what do you
think our approach should be?
COBO
I think we just have to knock on
the door, and just ask for the
painting. Its as simple as that!
ALEX
Well its direct and to the point!
SHARROW
Yes and perhaps a little
foolhardy!
COBO
Any other idea's?
GANDER
No! Trackamina!
DOOR BUZZER
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Hello, who is it?
COBO
It's MILTON COBO I need to talk to
you about the FALERO you've just
nicked!
GANDER
Have you lost you marbles COBO?
COBO
We've not got much time, what's
the worse that can happen?
ALEX
They could kill us!
GANDER
At least SLIM would know we died
trying!
ELECTRIC DOOR
ALEX
Jeez look at the size of them?
RABASCA BROTHER 1
You've got some balls!
COBO
Well needs must and all that.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Ok, so why don't you come in.
ALEX
If its alright, I think we should
stay out here.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
So why do you want the FALERO?
GANDER
Mr RABASCA, the person from whom
you nicked the artwork, has our
friend as hostage, and thinks we
had something to do with the
robbery.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Now why would he think that?
COBO
Because we told him we had it.
GANDER
Yes we were trying to sell him a
fake.
COBO
Look we are Grifters, we heard
that the FALERO was nicked, so we
had a fake made and then tried to
sell it to a private collector.
One who would not ask too many
questions.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
I see, so this collector who would
have read in the news feeds that
the painting was stolen, would
just accept the fake as genuine.
Makes sense!
COBO
Exactly.
GANDER
Unfortunately we picked the wrong
private collector!
ALEX
Yes he wasn't very happy about us,
as you can imagine.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Look its a beautiful story and I
am getting all misty eyed, but
what has any of this got to do
with me and my brother here?
GANDER
If you give us the painting, we
can get our friend back.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Well, lets just say, we had this
painting, and I'm not saying we do
understand. He's your friend not
ours, so what's in it for us?
GANDER
Well, to be honest we have not had
time to think that bit through.
What do you want?
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Well, nothing really.
COBO
Look, lets say we give you some
credits, GANDER?
GANDER
Ah, yes we could give say fifty
thousand.
COBO
Then we nick it straight back for
you!
RABASCA BROTHER 1
(Laughter) Oh, just for the sheer
flat out brassiness, I'm almost
tempted. I do love a good
grifter, especially one who is a
combat ready as her. (Looking at
ALEX) and as easy on the eyes as
her (Looking at SHARROW) but its
already been moved on.
COBO
Where?
RABASCA BROTHER 1
I can't tell you that.
COBO
You have to.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
MILTON COBO is it?
COBO
Yes?
RABASCA BROTHER 1
We can't do it son, we have worked
years to build up our reputation
based on absolute discretion. We
can't piss that up the wall for a
one off favour to some grifters.
(Pause) So my lips are sealed.
ALEX
So what happens if I threaten to
beat it out of you.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
Well, then I would respect that,
and then, my brother and myself
would defend ourselves as best we
could. Starting by ripping your
heads off and then kicking them
around the floor like soccer
balls.
COBO
Ah, fair enough, just asking.
GANDER
ALEX stand down. We will try other
options.
RABASCA BROTHER 1
So you all have a nice day now,
good day to you, oh and close the
gate.
END