Ever thought about how ADHD and neurotypicals can beautifully complement each other? Join me and my guest Lobow's Spark https://www.lobowsparkadhd.com/
as we delve into how our divergent wiring opens doors to a spectrum of unique experiences and unexpected strengths. We share our own hilarious family anecdotes about how ADHD has played out in our lives, like those pesky speeding tickets and the sometimes chaotic but humorous confusion that comes with managing time.
From driving challenges to task management, we get real about our struggles. Have you ever experienced highway hypnosis or had a panic attack while driving over bridges? You're not alone. And for those of us with ADHD, the anxiety can double. We share coping mechanisms and discuss how being a passenger can provide a much needed break. In the workplace and school, we explore the need for flexibility and understanding, and how this can help those with ADHD and neurotypicals to work and learn in harmony.
But it's not all struggles and challenges. The final note of our episode is a celebration of ADHD and the power of individuality. Who knows, perhaps if Adderall had been around earlier, history might've been different! Our advice? Embrace your uniqueness. Success comes in all shapes and sizes, and quite often, it doesn't follow the path that neurotypicals take. So tune in, laugh with us, learn about us and let's bridge the gap between ADHD and neurotypicals together. We can't wait for you to join the conversation.
Ever thought about how ADHD and neurotypicals can beautifully complement each other? Join me and my guest Lobow's Spark https://www.lobowsparkadhd.com/
as we delve into how our divergent wiring opens doors to a spectrum of unique experiences and unexpected strengths. We share our own hilarious family anecdotes about how ADHD has played out in our lives, like those pesky speeding tickets and the sometimes chaotic but humorous confusion that comes with managing time.
From driving challenges to task management, we get real about our struggles. Have you ever experienced highway hypnosis or had a panic attack while driving over bridges? You're not alone. And for those of us with ADHD, the anxiety can double. We share coping mechanisms and discuss how being a passenger can provide a much needed break. In the workplace and school, we explore the need for flexibility and understanding, and how this can help those with ADHD and neurotypicals to work and learn in harmony.
But it's not all struggles and challenges. The final note of our episode is a celebration of ADHD and the power of individuality. Who knows, perhaps if Adderall had been around earlier, history might've been different! Our advice? Embrace your uniqueness. Success comes in all shapes and sizes, and quite often, it doesn't follow the path that neurotypicals take. So tune in, laugh with us, learn about us and let's bridge the gap between ADHD and neurotypicals together. We can't wait for you to join the conversation.
Let's talk about how on your videos. The whole reason I've reached out to you was you had a TikTok and it was talking about how people with ADHD compliment neurotypicals and neurotypicals kind of compliment us. So can you talk a little bit about that?
Speaker 2:Yes, so I think the one you're referring to is the one where I'm either on the roof or on the ground, and the accommodation of both.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 2:Big surprise there. It's funny how I filmed that. It was like this portion of the roof, this portion of the roof, let's just do one video at each level. That's just unbelievable. But I can get to just said the whole thing. I think we compliment each other because I think that what we struggle with neurotypicals do well, and vice versa. I mean, that's why I think we compliment each other well.
Speaker 1:What do you think that neurotypicals compliment us with? Probably the most.
Speaker 2:The things that ultimately don't matter in life, the daily tasks that literally are just very mundane, that you do sometimes need to get done, but we're just never going to do. And so if you know a neurotypical, they're going to help you put the laundry detergent in the cup and then put it in the thing and then hit start, whereas honestly, from my ADHD, I can give two shits about that, like I literally could not care less. But then they're the ones that come to us when it's like I really made a mistake. I need your help, or I need your advice on this, when it comes to the life altering situations, that's where we thrive, right, so they can help us with the small things and we'll save the world and help them do it as well in the meantime.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I know, and it's like I think sometimes it's so great because I have time. Blindness, obviously Right, big deal. My mom she there was. When I was growing up there was not one clock in the house, that was the same time.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God Not one.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God.
Speaker 2:That's the same as my mother and my wife. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:But it was like we never knew what time it was.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But the problem was was she started off and everything was always 30 minutes, 30 minutes ahead of when she had to do so go leave the house or whatever, right, but then I think she got used to that and was automatically doing the math in her head, so it wasn't effective anymore.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then. So then my dad started changing some of the other clocks.
Speaker 2:That's okay, that's literally exactly. Mine was just 10 minutes ahead. My mom said it for 10 minutes ahead inside, but then we get in her car she would take.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2:I'm like, but, but no, because that that one in there said this.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So there's no way that it was 110. Now it's one o'clock that. How take me to the psychotherapist right now. Like, like.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Psychiatrists, like because right now I'm freaking, out.
Speaker 1:Okay, and for the longest time after I moved out, I couldn't function because all our clocks were right and I'm like I was late everywhere. I didn't know how to. I couldn't because I'm still thinking that it's 30 minutes ahead or 15 minutes ahead. Yeah 45 minutes ahead and it took me so long to de-program that.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know Well, because I think that I mean on a not serious level, but a semi serious level, like we're really, we're really bad at the the right and really great at the moment. Yeah, oh yeah, it's got to be mixed, you know, there together it's like if it's 10 minutes ahead, then your car better say 10 minutes ahead, your phone better say 10 minutes ahead, Like it has to all match Right, exactly.
Speaker 1:And it's like here take all of my things computer, watch, phone make them an arbitrary number of times fast and don't tell me Right, yeah, just don't. That's the only way that works. Right, 100% Because otherwise you're doing the math in your head all the time.
Speaker 2:Oh my.
Speaker 1:God.
Speaker 2:And I'm terrible at math, so that's really where I struggle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I well, I have, I was, I have to scout cool you, so that's kind of. I know you said dyslexia, but that's kind of like with math, so it's like formulas and speed I have. Oh, my mom has a nickname, we call her Barbara and Dretty. She can get through. She can get through the state of Georgia in three hours, barbara and.
Speaker 1:Dretty, yes, and unfortunately I take after her with the lead foot. Because it's so weird. It's like I can't judge speed, how fast I'm going, yeah, and it's like if I'm used to go in, say, 70 miles an hour and then when we moved to Philly the interstate was 55. Yeah, that difference. It was like I felt like I was going 15 miles an hour Right. But then after getting used to that and coming back here and then going 70 again, it was like holy crap.
Speaker 2:But that's why we all have so many speeding tickets probably.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, I guess there's speed limits, that goes 70, 50, 30.
Speaker 2:It's like, well, wait, you didn't give me enough warning and then they wait, they wait for you 15 signs on the way to that. 30 miles an hour, that's like 70 miles an hour, 69 miles an hour, 68 miles an hour, 6, and then it's possible that we get there Right.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, we're talking about, like talking about speeding.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you ever get I guess they call it highway hypnosis. When you're driving for so long on a route that you go every day that you like you don't remember how you got to where you're at.
Speaker 2:So I don't forget how I got to where I was at, but I will say that as the years have. So I'm 41 and I've done the same hour commute for 15, 17 years Each year. That gets a little harder.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And at first it was an incredible break from, like I drive into work. That gives me time to wake up, that gives my time, my brain time, to get engaged. So, like the second, I get there, I attack when I need to attack, then I leave, and then when I leave, it's that okay shift gears work, shift gears, wife, you know, or social activities or whatever. And so that helped. But now it's getting to the point where, like it's become a lot more difficult, I'm getting a little bit of blurred vision, like I've done it so often that it's starting to. It makes me it's panic inducing sometimes. Oh, it is.
Speaker 1:It's absolutely panic inducing. I mean there would be, times where I would be. I remember being getting off on the exit and then all of a sudden, I'm at my exit to get off 20 miles down the road. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I don't remember anything. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I remember anything that I saw. I couldn't tell you any cars. I couldn't tell you anything and it would. It would absolutely induce a mini panic attack.
Speaker 2:I think, maybe as a non-doctor non-doctor again, for everyone listening I am not a psychiatrist, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a human, I think. I think a lot of it is the fact that because it has become so normal for you that you can't do it. Yeah, it's not new, it's not changing every day, it's the same thing every day. It was for the longest time Completely shut down.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, you're not thinking about it. And it's like on that strip of interstate it was never stop and go traffic, it was just always go Right. You know, there's nothing to worry about. It was just a good 20 miles of nothing.
Speaker 2:And at first that's awesome yeah. Until your brain absorbs it and gets used to it.
Speaker 1:And it's like it goes on autopilot Well this is boring again.
Speaker 2:Let's go the opposite direction. Let's go fucking 500 miles this time instead. Okay, come on, so that I can think.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I've passed up my exit before. Luckily, the next exit down just takes me right to it, but I have done that before too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it can be very difficult. It can be very difficult, driving especially.
Speaker 1:Oh, my god, yeah, but then I guess you know, when you're talking about complimenting, that is something that neurotypicals do best, right?
Speaker 2:That's why, at this point, I used to love driving, but now it's like let's take your car instead of you know, because it's nice just to be a passenger, and recently it was bridges are getting to me recently.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, like it makes me breathe so heavy, I start sweating and but it never was a problem Like I'm on the water all the time. I go out on the boat. I love wakeboarding. Like water is. I'm not scared of heights, but if I'm driving over a bridge now, that produces something that I have never experienced, yeah, which is like this traumatic thing. Like I'm just like, oh my god, and I have to stay so focused on the road. It drives me crazy.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, I mean, it's where I'm at by Cincinnati. I go over the bridge every day. Yeah, every day I go to work and there's multiple bridges, so some days I take different bridges depending on how traffic is Right. And there's one I think they call it the singing bridge or something, but it's a metal graded bridge and when you're driving on it it feels like you're on an oil slick because your car doesn't stay straight. It kind of does like this wavy thing All the way across the bridge and my it's like my white knuckle grip on the steering wheel the whole way across it. And then there's the main one, and that one is almost always bumper to bumper and especially when I'm coming home from work and I'm just like the whole time in my head please get me off this bridge, get me off the bridge. I need to get out of the bridge, get out of my way. I need to get off the bridge right now, and it's not been, like you said, until maybe within the last two, three years.
Speaker 2:So that's interesting because we're similar in age, like yeah, why is it now? I don't know, it's weird In it.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it's like a mortality thing or if it's because, well, for me it's probably because I there was a big fire on that bridge. That's gotten worse and they talk about how dangerous it is all the time, but the fire exploded and the bridge was shut down for a while and it's like, well, is it safe? I don't know. And then I see, you know, in Philadelphia a bridge I used to drive, or used to drive on that one fell apart and it's just. I just see, I envision the bridge collapsing and all the cars. I'm thinking can I get out? Do I need to roll the window down? Can I go out the sunroof? What's the quickest way to get out?
Speaker 2:Right. No, it's focused on thinking Well, and actually that can be something a good thing, because if something were to happen, you've already planted out in your mind to get through it. Like, and that's it and that, absolutely I do that, but all of the time bungee jumping, skydiving, I'm great. Don't put me fucking on a bridge driving. If I'm the passenger, I'm fine. Like, I'm absolutely fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, same but.
Speaker 2:I don't know what that is Like.
Speaker 1:I don't either, because if my husband's driving it's the same thing, I'm fine, I don't care. But if I'm driving, get me off this damn bridge.
Speaker 2:So weird, that's so incredible that you experienced that, oh my.
Speaker 1:God. Maybe it's because we're in our 40s, who knows? Yeah, it's the midlife crisis.
Speaker 2:Right, If we just need to buy a private jet. Oh wait, those costs a lot of money. I would like one of those. That'd be nice just to be able to have, but unfortunately, unless you want to scratch off it's probably not.
Speaker 1:What was it Like $9 billion or something? It went one of the lottoes, I forget. But yeah, it was crazy.
Speaker 2:But yeah driving.
Speaker 1:I think driving is something they compliment us on, I think. But like you were saying something that we compliment them on and I think we it said something about this the last time I talked to you that we keep like this child, like innocence, and that we, I guess, kind of find the joy in life a whole lot easier.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, we find the joy in life, but we're also and I think actually that was something that you complimented to what I said, which was great, is the child, like you know, innocence, but to me it's the perspective of the world.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know at home. It is the way that we can read people so easily and know what's going on in their life before they even say anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then we have to get through that process of nothing's wrong with me, nothing's wrong with me, nothing's wrong with me, and it's like I know that there is Like I know I can see it based on your body language. Finally, they will open up and when they do, we're able to help them in ways that they've never been helped before. And that to me, ultimately, is what matters in life is helping each other.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely that's. I mean, that's exactly why I'm here, and I think that's why you're here too, yeah, exactly. That's my why. That's why. I do any of this Right. I mean it's great for me because it's cathartic, but then it's also helping somebody else out there feel less alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the why for people like you and I is we come up with that why it is not dictated to us. Right, there are typicals. It is dictated. Well, why are you going to school? Because this person said it I had to get, I had to get this grade. Well, why are you in this job? Because my dad said I had to do this. Yeah, we can't understand that, so that when someone's looking to break out of their shell, who is the first group of people that could help them do that?
Speaker 1:Oh, and I think we're sometimes the biggest cheerleaders in oh yeah, and we push the hardest too, because then we come up with all these ideas for their idea and ways to go about it, and it's just like we get so excited and so into it and it's not even something that's ours but it's for them.
Speaker 2:It's authentic.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because it's authentic care, and the one thing that neurotypicals can read is authenticity, and I think that when they know that you are genuinely trying to help, because you really care instead of caring, because caring works, or they're paying you money, you actually give a shit, they can see that and that's what makes great CEOs, that's what makes great leaders Well and it builds trust. Yes, it builds trust Right, and so, again, chalk that up as another quality that we have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I mean, you have to have that with your team too, wherever you work. Absolutely, and I feel like that's probably been one of my biggest strengths as a manager is being able to read people, so when they're having a hard time, help them and then get them excited about whatever they're doing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And them know that they can always come to me with anything I mean we would have.
Speaker 1:Who wants to have a two hour meeting? Nobody wants to have a two hour meeting, but every week we had two hour or longer meetings because we genuinely enjoyed being around each other and we work together and we would talk about things. And then everybody would be sitting there on their computer doing their own thing and we'd be bullshitting and talking about Game of Thrones or whatever the hell at the time Exactly, and then we'd just like, okay, where are we going to lunch?
Speaker 2:I mean, it's just a view as a person and not a boss. That is the whole key to being a good manager.
Speaker 1:And your team works harder for you than they do, because they're working for you and your care for them. They're not working for the money the powers that be, or the money or whatever, they're working for you because they know they can trust you, that you have their back and aren't gonna throw them under their bus, and that they're gonna stand up for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you're gonna stand up for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the freedom to do it their way, which is because we want the freedom to do it our way. That's how this compliments exactly, and I think that is just something that's so special.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2:It is extremely special actually because I mean I Couldn't be, I could never, ever be a micro manager and I can't understand that people that are that way me neither half the reason is because I don't want to do that actual Work that they know how to do better than me, like I don't want to show up and look like a dumbass because I've given them the freedom from so long that they know how to do it Better than me. Oh yeah, that's great. You want these people to be better at you than you are yourself, or it doesn't work.
Speaker 1:That's like the biggest thing, right. I get so much joy of seeing people that I've worked with and that I've met and taught. Do good and even exceed what I taught them and what I'm doing. It makes me like, it's like a proud mother head.
Speaker 2:It is it absolutely. You want them to skyrocket so far past you because, yeah, we genuinely want that for them. It's not that that we think that's gonna promote us to something fuck. No, we're doing it because we care about that person.
Speaker 1:Yep again.
Speaker 2:What other quality Should you possibly want in a manager than that?
Speaker 1:That's kind of like the ideal manager I've always been looking for. I've had pretty close to that a couple times. Yeah, I've.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've got it and that's why I haven't left. I've had the same one for 18 years or whatever it's been, so that's why I I'm saying it makes all the difference though. It does, it's everything.
Speaker 1:Because I mean, weren't you saying that they give you the freedom? Can I kind of do whatever you want to do how you do well?
Speaker 2:it's not like whatever you, it's just well within the job right, but it is basically creating my own schedule that can change, so like I have a step right. As long as I send that email or I update and say this is what this week is looking like for me, there's no issue.
Speaker 1:See, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like, by the way, I'll be in the office three days this week Maximum, because there's nothing going on, you know whatnot, and and it's okay. Cool, thanks for keeping me updated. That's it, you know, and so you've got to respond. That's also another thing he does exceptionally well Is he responds to the emails that I send, because if I send him something and then he doesn't get back with me within three hours, I'm thinking, oh shit was just not okay.
Speaker 1:Oh, I know right, that's where managers, that's that rejection since.
Speaker 2:David, yes, I can get in too. Yep, and that's that's exactly what I laid out for him to, and I said Just a simple okay or a thumbs up or whatever is fine, but acknowledge that you've received it. So my brain doesn't go 50 different directions and I can't focus on what I need to. He's done it every single time. That's amazing. It is, it absolutely is. So yeah, so again, he's got me for life.
Speaker 1:And see, that's where you get that loyalty right.
Speaker 2:If our employers.
Speaker 1:I feel like if employers would just get that.
Speaker 1:I know we can't fit into their, you can't fit our square peg into the round hole Right, and that we needed the flexibility to do things the way we work. Yeah, we would be so much more productive for them. Oh, my god. Yes, because I feel like we work so hard, because we've had to always work so hard To prove ourselves, because we're always told we're lazy, you're not living up to our potential, that we overcompensate sometimes, yeah, but if you give us the flexibility to do it our way, it just we can shine.
Speaker 2:We'll exceed what you ever thought we were capable of yeah, just give us the chance in my opinion. In my opinion.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know it doesn't have to be something that's set in stone. Make it a trial run. Well and I feel like they should do that at schools, do oh.
Speaker 2:God, yes, that would be extremely nice. I mean, I think our go ahead, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I don't know what I was gonna say now.
Speaker 2:See, that was my fault. I'm sorry I think our, our life is a series of trial runs.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely, it is I mean it is, but the thing is, if you're going from one trial to the next, to the next to the next, you are absorbing everything that you are doing during those trials and You're getting better each time. So each time you're starting a different trial, you're starting from a higher level than you were before. Yeah, so if you want your employee to constantly be improving, trial after trial after trial after trial, yeah, that's what's gonna work, not Sit down, shut up, do this and then have a talk at the end of the year about how bad your performance is.
Speaker 1:And then, now I'm a pip, you're on a performance improvement plan that actually does not help.
Speaker 2:No, it's. It's actually the most detrimental thing, because they'll just either quit, not show up, or get really mad and make a big mistake For you and the company. That's gonna fall on you, the manager, instead of that employee. Absolutely yeah so it's gotta be careful out there. Yeah, I'm sorry careful. Is that a four lever work weight hold on?
Speaker 1:I don't know. I Don't know. I love it, but yeah, I mean, I'm trying to think of some of the other ways, but, like you said, you're just talking about just day to day tasks. I think it is. It is nice to have the neurotypical help with reminders, but then, at the same time, I think there has to be some communication, because those can be misdrewed.
Speaker 2:It's the presentation of it, I think. So reminders are great, but too many is it a detriment? I mean, if you're just sending like a list every five minutes or every 10 minutes, that's never gonna fucking work. Like that will never work. What will work is how you present it, and my wife actually does an exceptional job of this sometimes. But she does an exceptional job in saying do you feel you might be able to do X sometime this week? Not. Do you feel or not this needs to be done today?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that just automatically makes me say I don't wanna do it.
Speaker 2:Right, because it's a dictation, instead of leaving it open to our interpretation of when we're gonna feel like doing it. And if you do it like that, odds are because you phrase it like that, we're gonna do it that second, Because then it's gonna be in the back of our minds. We don't want it in the back of our minds anymore. We wanna focus on what we're doing. The best way to get the most out of us immediately is to say do you feel like you might be able to? Yeah, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I don't know. What kills me, though, is like, once I start doing tasks, if I haven't had my medication or if I haven't had enough sleep, it gets into that. Oh, it's such a big downward spiral, it's so bad. It's like all start cleaning the bathroom and somehow I'm in the basement flipping channels on the TV looking for something, because I heard a song when I was in the living room cleaning something up, while I was supposed to be doing dishes but also supposed to be in the laundry room.
Speaker 2:Right right.
Speaker 1:It's like the Domino's fall, and I've been in every room of the house and got nothing done.
Speaker 2:Again, it goes back to that. Do you feel like you might be able to, because maybe we could shift that a little bit adjustment? Here's a trial run. Let's go through a trial run here. Sometimes someone will say all we need to do today or this week is this, or all I need you to do is this this week. Sometimes that gets to me and sometimes it doesn't. If I hear, if I see the word all in a text message, I'm like text message. I'm like okay, well, that's all right, if that's it, then I'm not doing the dishwasher and I'm not doing the other room and I'm not, it's just the bathroom.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't need to be flipping the channels or whatnot, trying to figure out the next thing to do to impress and go above and beyond which we want to do. So the reason that all those things happen is because it's like, okay, well, I got the bathroom done, but I want it to be really impressed now I want to be really impressed, so why don't I start doing this? And then I'll flip the TV on and then off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or I'll start putting laundry up in the closet and see oh, I don't have enough hangers, so I need to go through my clothes. And now I need to make a goodwill run, so I need to get through the kids clothes so they can have their goodwill run. And then it's like the one at a time thing is almost impossible it should have been something that only took five minutes, and then it becomes like four hours.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, oh God, yes, that's the whole thing of, that's the whole take your car thing, that when my wife wants to, you know and God bless her, it's she just wants to vacuum my car. But here's the thing. It's not just I pull my car up and you vacuum it. Okay, that's not what happens here. What happens is I have to spend two hours cleaning it, so that you don't judge me for how dirty it is when you are cleaning it. So this is where things get dicey. Oh my God, yeah, it's not just doing that. So now and then I'm sitting there just, oh, please, please, please, no, please, please. Don't judge me on how bad that is.
Speaker 2:So what takes 10 minutes in everyone else's mind is a four hour process in ours. I mean just simply going to the grocery store. Oh, let's take your truck. No, well, why is that? Well, because now I have to stop working, because I have to clean it for two hours. Then this 30 minutes to the grocery store, then the grocery store. Whatever you bring out of that, it's not gonna fit in the car, because I threw everything in the back and then placed a sheet over it. The same color is my internal.
Speaker 1:You can't see it.
Speaker 2:As my interior right. It's like how do I do this? It's like, how did your seats raise five feet in the back Overnight? Well, it's because getting the trash bag and the trash cans and all that was too much. I just needed to cover it up so that I could just get through this half day. Out of sight out of mind, right, but it shouldn't be a half day, it should be 30 minutes. And that's a struggle because now-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but grocery shopping's hard.
Speaker 2:Oh well, absolutely it is. I mean, I just sit in the car like I can. It makes me panic attack, same as a bridge.
Speaker 1:Grocery shopping kills me, oh my God. Especially Kroger is our grocery store.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's too big. That's too big of a building to be in.
Speaker 1:They just moved everything. Oh my God, they moved everything. And I hadn't been in forever and I went in because I've, during the pandemic, I got so used to ordering my groceries, which is the best thing ever, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:The best thing ever.
Speaker 1:And I've been going in and I can't put my groceries in order of the aisles that they're in because I don't know where they are anymore and it's taking me five times as long because I have to backtrack.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because things aren't where I remember them being anymore, and then I'm missing things on my list. Even though I'm looking right at it on my list, marking things out, I'm still forgetting things.
Speaker 2:Have you ever taken a screenshot or a picture of your list and then set it as your background on the phone so that every time you look at your phone you see that list, which actually might can help, because it's like for me at least it helps Because it's. I'm not going to go into my phone into the notes part or into the previous text messages, that's too many steps. I just want you hit the button and the screen comes up. I've got?
Speaker 1:no, I've not done that, but I have notes pinned into a widget that helps.
Speaker 2:I don't even know what a widget is, but yes, that's If I'm very non-technology, so I was like screenshots, ok.
Speaker 1:Makes sense, though, because then your lock screen, so every time you click your button there it is Exactly.
Speaker 2:They're staring at you Exactly, and then the goal is to like I want the picture that used to be there to come up instead of this list. So what do I do if I go through the list so that I can put up that last picture? Until that's done, I do, can we go back to the car situation? Oh for sure. So this actually has a pretty decent point, I think, is when neurotypicals, and when you're in a relationship with someone with ADHD, you know if they're focused on something and they're working on it, and then all of a sudden, it's OK, in two hours can we go to the grocery store. Can we do this at some point? Yes, we can, but now I have to stop what I was doing and then go clean the truck so that you can get in it, so that then we can go, and then the judgment and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:By the time we're done with the grocery store, I'm going to be so tired I'm not going to return to what I was doing. And that, what if what I was doing was another thing on your list that you wanted me to do? Now it's going to be. Why didn't you get that done? It's because the distraction of the next thing and they say that we go off into different tanges were actually the most focused. We focus more than anyone else in the world.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we get that hyper focus.
Speaker 2:We get that, yeah, we can do.
Speaker 1:And then the problem is is you, if you, if you interrupt us, that's the problem Done, because then that that one thing that we were trying to do, that you wanted us to do, we're not going to do it because you interrupted us and we can't get that energy back.
Speaker 2:It's just gone Exactly and that's another four day delay. Yeah, and so I can see it from their side of being being like, ok, I just don't understand why they can't do this. Well, my thing is like we can't half ask anything.
Speaker 1:No, and I think that's the problem is they don't understand how our brain processes that like for me to clean the car. It's going to be like in the house. I'm going to get started. I'm going to tell myself, I'm just going to take the garbage out and that's all I'm going to do is clean the garbage out. But once I get the garbage out, I can see all the crumbs in the cup holders, yeah. And then I can see the dust on the dashboard, yeah. And then there's a smudge on the window. So I've got to clean the glass, and then I've got to do all the interior. But now the interior looks amazing, but the out, the exterior, looks like crap. There's bird poop on it and bug guts, and so now that has to be done too. And then the wheels have to be done, because they have to be shiny like the rest of the car, and it is.
Speaker 2:It's that's full day, Whole can per tire oh yeah, yes, yes, that's the full day.
Speaker 1:That's the start.
Speaker 2:Yeah, see, and that. So then, why didn't you get? Why didn't you take the dishes? Or take, take the trash child, or do the dishes? Well, because you wanted me to get the car, mm. Hmm, so like.
Speaker 1:And in order to get the car done, I had to do all these other things.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly. Meanwhile, if we're working from home or if we're working on anything that we, financially, are making money on, that shit's fucked. Now too, oh, everything's fucked, right, right, everything's fucked. Everything is fucked from here on out, when it's the criticism is we can't focus and we can't, or it is a lack of how to. How, to Dr Barkley put, it is a oh gosh, what did he say that was so brilliant? It's not, it's. It's not a lack of focus, it is a Perseveration. Basically, yeah, you cannot do the things you know you need to do. It's what is? I think that's what he said.
Speaker 1:Because he's saying it's like we know what we need to do.
Speaker 2:Right, we just can't.
Speaker 1:Stupid. We have the knowledge, we know what to do. Right, we just can't do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and I think that's the one thing that he says, that I'm like I don't disagree with it, but I also don't fully agree with it either, because if we know what we need to do and we prioritize the job first, all the outside world sees is us not doing what we know we need to do, when we are doing what we know we need to do, but then the outside world distracts, distracts us and it never gets done. Yeah, yeah and so. But the problem is you can't just say, by the way, don't interrupt me, don't ask me to do this, don't you know? You can't say that to someone you love. You can't say that to a friend or a partner or whoever. But the problem is is that's what's really helped me, is that I do say that?
Speaker 1:Well, I mean it's like I was telling you when my husband goes out of town.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's over, I get so much crap done?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's not because I can't do it when he's here, it's just that. So I don't know if you know who Brendan Mahan is and his wall of awful, I think it's. He has this thing where all of the things from growing up, all of the bad situations, all of the times you've been told all of the shame, all of the shame bricks that you've built up and made this wall and that's why you can't do the thing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And you can go around it, you can go over it, but that doesn't solve the problem. The thing is still there, right, and I think that wall of shame is what keeps me from being able to do all of the things that I do when he's gone, when he's here, because I'm embarrassed and I'm shameful and it's nothing that he's done, it's just over my lifetime, all of these things. Anytime someone has criticized me for anything, it just it all sits there.
Speaker 2:It's momentum is probably the most important thing with ADHD, I think. And when that momentum is in the opposite direction to the negative. For example, just like we were just talking about is cleaning the car or going to the grocery store. Now, what if that spirals into the next day and then you're harped on more for why you didn't get that thing done, that they interrupted us from doing so. Then you say, all right, well, I'm going to power through this, I'm going to power through this, and you try to do that every day until you're giving less energy every day towards giving a shit about anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That is where it becomes dangerous.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And you wouldn't say it becomes depression Right.
Speaker 2:Because that's what depression is Exactly, and you wouldn't say to some. Would you ever say to someone like you know, I really don't know. I really understand. You know that having to clean the car right now is could really be bad for you later. Like is anyone going to ever say that?
Speaker 1:No, because it's hot, unless you, unless you have ADHD or you understand because you've been there. It's hard to fathom how our brains work because they're so different. The neurotypical has to do something. They just, they can just do it. It's like a button pushed and they do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they're not worried about, like you know, because they don't let the trash in the car pile up or that. I mean this is a good analogy, I think, because it's not about the car, it's about the distraction that was imposed. We didn't get up from the desk when we were working really hard. You asked us to. So next, for anyone listening out there, if you have a severely ADHD spouse friend, anything, please try to understand that. If they are excited about something or working hard towards something, don't ask them to do anything else.
Speaker 1:Give them the grace. Yeah To get done what they're doing Right.
Speaker 2:Then ask them yeah, unless it's an emergency, yeah, and then we're automatically the best ever. So that's, it will drop whatever we're doing.
Speaker 1:That's okay If it's an emergency yeah.
Speaker 2:We'll go save somebody's life, whatever.
Speaker 1:Because that'll give us that boost that we need to get back to it anyway. Exactly.
Speaker 2:The whole saving people's lives like shit. That's putting dishes in a diff roster for y'all, like that's easy.
Speaker 1:Which is so crazy how our brains work that way.
Speaker 2:In that remarkable. That's just the most fascinating thing to me.
Speaker 1:I almost feel like MacGyver. Do you know how MacGyver is?
Speaker 2:I'm sure you do. Okay, hell yeah.
Speaker 1:A lot of people probably don't even know they had the reboot, but I feel like MacGyver had to have ADHD, oh yeah, with all of the crap that he could do with like nothing. Yeah, yeah, that's it's like I mean he had to.
Speaker 2:It's like one of those people you put give him a spoon and put him out in the forest and they build a fucking shopping mall, Right.
Speaker 1:Like what can you do with a rubber band, A paper clip and a pencil?
Speaker 2:Yeah God, how good was that. I'm going to go back and watch that. Actually, now that you say that I loved that show, I used to love that show Phenomenal.
Speaker 1:Oh, it was so To see all the things that he would do with like nothing. It's like, oh my God, does that actually work?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can I do that?
Speaker 2:Nowadays, they'd probably have to have a disclaimer. This will not work. This is for entertainment purposes only. It's like, well, yeah, now I'm done, I'm not going to do this anymore.
Speaker 1:I'm not invested anymore and I had to be some hope. Exactly One sliver. One sliver Right, like if. I'm out or like ET with the what was that toy Crap? I forget what it was, where he would. And then he made the whole device to call home Right, the ET phone. Was it a sea and sea?
Speaker 2:Is that what it was? I don't know. I don't know what it was. But he, he phoned, I mean he did it. Oh yeah, shit, it's just then all those people came in and distracted him. So now, all of a sudden, we're in a situation, and the next thing.
Speaker 1:You know he's drunk and yeah, he's laying around in his house rope because they told him he couldn't. The ET had ADHD too.
Speaker 2:No shit Now if Adderall had been prevalent back then he'd have built the rocket ship, he wouldn't have gone straight home. Right, He'd have been like I don't need to do the bike thing over the moon.
Speaker 1:I mean he would have been all about the pieces, he would have just been like, yeah, fuck the Reese's pieces I don't need to eat, fuck them. He wouldn't have been hungry.
Speaker 2:I'm too busy, I'm not hungry. Leave me alone.
Speaker 1:He would have been. I propose you been like Elliot, who.
Speaker 2:From cleaning the truck to ET. This is the greatest conversation of all time. I love it.
Speaker 1:What is the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody with ADHD?
Speaker 2:Take a very, very hard look at what you are not good at. Very hard look and ask yourself is the thing or things that I'm really not good at Ultimately what is important in life? Now take a look at what your exceptional act. Is that something that ultimately matters or not? For example, if you are the most loving person, you know, then you're the most loving.
Speaker 2:But if you suck at, you know, sticking to a schedule, buying, you know, or singing to your planner, doing all those kind of things, that it's not, at the end of life, what matters, and people are going to tell you well, you didn't get this done, so you know you didn't graduate high school or you didn't graduate college, you didn't do any of these things. So now you, your whole life is fucked, You're going to be nothing. Well, here's my piece of advice to that is yes, it is a lot more. It is a lot more difficult in life to be quote successful or do what you want to do without those steps that neurotypicals do the getting of the degrees, the all of that. However, the good news is that ADHD thrives on the hard.
Speaker 1:And that's somebody telling you you can't Right.
Speaker 2:Take some pride in that and in who you are.
Speaker 1:Awesome. I love that.
Speaker 2:I love that. No, that's so true though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so thank you so much for coming, and it was a pleasure to have you.