In this heartfelt episode of Taco Bout Fertility Tuesday, Dr. Mark Amols delves into the complex emotions surrounding the pursuit of a second pregnancy. With personal insights and compassionate guidance, Dr. Amols addresses the often unspoken guilt that many couples experience while trying for another child, especially when their journey to parenthood has been fraught with challenges. From discussing his own experiences with infertility and the societal pressures that come with expanding a family, to offering advice on how to manage these feelings, this episode is a deep dive into the emotional landscape of secondary infertility. Join us as we explore the nuances of hope, guilt, and the desire for a larger family in the realm of reproductive medicine. Whether you're embarking on this journey yourself or supporting someone who is, this episode sheds light on a topic that's both complex and profoundly human. Don't miss this empathetic and informative discussion on Taco Bout Fertility Tuesday.
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Today we talk about the hope and the heartache on your journey to your second pregnancy. I'm, Dr. Mark Amos, and this is Taco. About fertility Tuesday. You know, it's strange. You pray and you dream so much. To have that first pregnancy. You will almost do anything. I remember there was nothing I wouldn't do. I wanted a kid so bad and. I was scared to death I wasn't. Going to have one. I remember the feeling I still remember to this day. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. And once we had that kid, I felt so good. I felt like, now I don't have to worry. I'm never going to have to worry about having to not have a child. And what's interesting is that for us, we had twins. So the nice part was I felt like, okay, at least they have a sibling. But, not everyone's always that fortunate. To have twins with their first pregnancy. And so one of the things that was interesting is when we went to try this again and we assumed we probably wouldn't get pregnant, there was this feeling of guilt, this kind of guilt of, is it fair that I'm now. Trying to get a second pregnancy? And here it is, I have twins, and yet some people haven't even had one baby yet. And I want to talk about that. Today because I at first thought I. Was the only one who felt that way. But over the years I've talked to. People and it's actually a very common feeling. I mean, how crazy is it that. We feel guilty for wanting to have another pregnancy? And it's because we remember how difficult. It was to get pregnant the first. Time and how we would look at. Other people and go, how is it so fair that they get pregnant so easy? And here it is, I want a baby more than them and I can't even get pregnant. And so then when you finally have it, you now are looking back going. Man, I'm now the person who got. Pregnant and there's a person who hasn't. And it's real. People feel guilty. Matter of fact, many patients feel guilty even bringing their kids to the fertility clinic because they feel like these patients who have not had a baby yet. Are going to look down on it. And think, why would you make me feel worse about my situation? And what's interesting is that when you. Talk to people, that's not always how they feel. Meaning, I've had patients tell me that it actually brings them hope when they. See other people bringing their kids in. Knowing, hey, look, this can work. And gives them that hope. But today I want to stay on topic about trying for that second pregnancy and is it normal to have these feelings and also what you should do about it? I remember one of the things that was interesting when we went to try again is we didn't want to tell people. And I think it's because, again, some of that guilt, like, well, we already had a kid and they already helped us, and so now do they really need to know that we're trying again? And even our friends who had infertility, we didn't want to tell because again, we felt very guilty. I don't think people should feel guilty. If anything, I think it just shows how much compassion you have for people who are trying this. And all of us who have infertility never said, hey, if I can just have one, I won't try again. Of course we want to try again. Most of us want a family, and yes, we will all be happy with just one. Matter of fact, the answer I get most common when I ask people is, well, how big of a family do you want? They always say to me, if we can just get one, that's all we want. And I say to them, yeah, that's what we always for, is just at least one. But what do you want? There's nothing wrong wanting more. My wife and I wanted six kids. We ended up with four. And do I look back and say. Oh, what was me? No. I say, thankfully, I was able to. Even have the kids I had. I'm very, very thankful. But when I went to go have the second pregnancy, I did feel guilt. And after talking to people over the. Years and knowing that they feel guilt, I realized this isn't just something that I did. It's actually very common for people after. Having a pregnancy and they've struggled to get there. They feel a little bit of guilt. Going through it again, knowing that some of the people that they maybe went through with still haven't had success. And they feel kind of bad because. Now here it is, they have their. Child and they're going again. And the people they were talking to maybe in the Facebook groups or maybe. Just personally haven't got there yet. And so I can't tell you not to have guilt because that's just going to be something you may have, but. What you can do is definitely don't stop trying. There is nothing wrong wanting a second. Pregnancy or a third or a fourth. There is no number that you have where legally we have to say, well, you know what? You had infertility you're doing amazing. Now you have to stop. You need to let someone else have it. The point is, statistically, it doesn't matter. How many kids you have, it does not stop anyone else from being able to have kids. So you don't ever have to feel guilty. Now, if you are robbing them and stealing their money and preventing them from having kids, then you should feel very guilty and potentially might even have to go to jail if you're doing that. But there is nothing wrong wanting more kids, and you're not hurting anyone by doing that. But the question is, what do you. Do with that guilt? Well, if you do have it, and it is overwhelming, you can actually help other people. And I've seen many patients who have. Actually taken that guilt and put it. Forward to help others. Maybe they might be a manager of. A group on Facebook where they help others, or maybe they just create their own podcasts where other people can hear about it and learn about fertility. Maybe they become an activist and they start working with resolve to help prevent reproductive rights from being removed from some people. In the end, you can't get rid of the guilt because I think it is normal. I mean, it's very normal for me. I, to this day, still remember it. But you can take that guilt and put towards something else to help others at that point. Then you can kind of feel like, well, yeah, I know, I want another. I know they haven't had it, but. I'm helping them get there, and that. Might just help you get past that point. Now, for some people, they may need. More incentive, and that's okay. There are actually counselors out there who specialize in fertility, and, they can help you work through this, maybe help you pass that guilt to want to try again. I've had patients who have actually told. Me that if they don't get pregnant. Naturally, they're not even going to try. Again because they felt so guilty to. Go through fertility treatment again when other people can't afford it once. And I've even had some patients even put money towards a grant for other people because they wanted to at least feel that they're helping others while they're trying to go for their second pregnancy. There are many outlets for this feeling, but the most important thing to understand. Is you are not abnormal for having that feeling. That is a perfectly normal feeling to have. The question is, what's the best outlet for you? Is it helping others? Is it financially helping others? Maybe you have to have a counselor to talk to. Whatever it is, as long as you. Feel comfortable moving forward. Don't stop trying to get pregnant just because you've had success one time. There is no rule that says no. One else is allowed to keep trying when others still haven't had success. And for those of you who maybe. Have not had success yet, but have. A friend who has and might want to try, have another kid, let them know it's okay, and let them know that you really enjoy their support and. Appreciate them giving you the confidence that they're going to eventually have success too. That way they won't feel guilty trying to have success and won't feel like they have to hide it from you. Because they don't want you to feel. Bad when yours maybe isn't going well and theirs is. In the end, my goal for this. Podcast was to make sure everyone knows. That it's perfectly normal to feel this way. And not only is it normal, but. Probably most of you have encountered this. Situation in the past. If you have gone on to try to have a second pregnancy and had infertility to begin with, if you are someone who's had this, hopefully this episode helped you. And again, if it's a friend, let them know about this because it may help them feel a little bit more normal and not feel so guilty. And as always, please tell people about us, especially people who can benefit from this. And if you love us, tell people about us. Give us a five star review on your favorite medium. But always, the most important is the come back again next week. I look forward to talking to everyone again next week on talk about fertility Tuesday.