Prepare yourself for a story unlike any other, as Captain Donovan and his brave crew venture out to worlds unknown.
Written by Klaus Brenner and Dr. Brandon Winter. Narration by Sarah Nightmare via Fiverr. Music by Two Dudes, Liberty, Falls, Bryant Lowry, Amanda Welch, Tru Genesis, Third Age and Hill via Soundstripe.
Prepare yourself for a story unlike any other, as Captain Donovan and his brave crew venture out to worlds unknown.
Written by Klaus Brenner and Dr. Brandon Winter. Narration by Sarah Nightmare via Fiverr. Music by Two Dudes, Liberty, Falls, Bryant Lowry, Amanda Welch, Tru Genesis, Third Age and Hill via Soundstripe.
1
Hi, this is the brain. Before we start, I have some exciting news. We just added another live show!
On April 14, 1912, we’ll be broadcasting live from the deck of the RMS Titanic. Come for the podcast, stay for the show.
If you were thinking of seeing us in Pompeii, then tough luck, buddie, it’s sold out. We still have tickets for the Chernobyl show, though. It’s sure to be a face-meltingly good time.
2
We have a real treat for you tonight. A story unlike any we’ve featured on this program before. But first, a word from our sponsor.
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Just select your layout and themes, insert your graphics and copy, press send, and Bam! Graffiti fires your sales pitch directly into the visual cortexes of potential customers.
Use the promo code BRAIN and get 25% off your first month and exclusive themes and backgrounds.
I use Graffiti to market this very podcast and I’ve been blown away by all the features and add-ons. For instance, I can decide whether I’d like my ads to assault people at random or in relentless intervals.
And it’s made such a difference. In just one week, downloads increased by 1,000%! I can’t say enough good things about Graffiti, but then again, I don’t have to: I can shoot it directly into your brain!
3
We appreciate all our listeners. And if you enjoy I Am a Brain in a Jar, why don’t you pay a visit to the galactic podcast consortium and give us a five-star review? As you no doubt already know, if the cumulative rating of this podcast drops below a 4.6, it and everyone involved with its creation will be erased from existence. So pretty please, give us five stars. Anything less and you’re human garbage.
4
Alright, enough with the nonsense. It’s time for this week’s story. Right after these words from our other sponsor.
In the hustle and bustle of modern life, we so often forget to stop and savor the little things. For instance, when was the last time you had a home-cooked meal? Not something frozen from a box, but real food, prepared by you with fresh ingredients.
Just close your eyes and imagine it. Pan fried potatoes with onions. Green beans so tender, they dissolve on your tongue.
But what kind of meat, I wonder. Not beef. Not chicken or pork either.
Is it fish, you ask. Fuck you. No, you crave the most savory flesh of all. The one forbidden by all social mores and governments. The one that talks.
If that’s the kind of meal you’ve been hungering for, then turn to Green Apron, the meal kit delivery service for those with... exotic tastes.
Once a week, Green Apron will send you all the ingredients you need to make a dinner worth going to Hell for.
Mouthwatering dishes like long pig enchiladas and sapien stroganoff, mailed to you, discreetly.
Green Apron. For tastes so transcendent they’re taboo.
5
Before we go on, I’d just like you all to know that this podcast would not be possible without the support of our Paintreon subscribers. Paintreon is a platform that allows users to convert self-inflicted emotional pain into money for their favorite content creators.
Here’s a shout out to our newest subscribers. Aaron F broke up with his fiance just weeks before the wedding. You rock, Aaron. Izzie burned the hand-written manuscript she had been working on for over a decade. Much obliged.
And here’s to our platinum-tier subscriber, the omnipotent space cloud Blorfulax, who threw a civilization it had been shepherding for millenia into a black hole. We appreciate the commitment.
6
Alright. Thanks for your patience. Without further ado, here’s The Fantastical Voyage of Captain Donovan.
Brought to you by Deadly Paradox, the newest podcast from our partners over at StoryBang.
April Haas and Eric Martinez, makers of the groundbreaking Murder By Bits - about a murder-for-hire computer virus - are back at it again with another tail of twisted justice and uncannily sympathetic marginal characters.
Their new series follows David, a 65-year-old retiree and father of four accused of a brutal murder. The victim: himself!
According to David, he traveled 45 years into the past to kill his younger self to prevent an even greater crime in the future. But is he telling the truth?
David and his victim had the exact same name, they’re an exact genetic match, and older David knew every detail of his victim’s life, down to things known only to the younger David’s family and closest friends. And he has correctly predicted every major news story of the last 2 years.
But why exactly did he vaporize a young man named David during the seventh-inning stretch of a middle school baseball game?
Join Haas and Martinez as they follow a tantalizingly circuitous trail of innuendo and temporal paradoxes straight into the heart of justice. What they find is a multi-chambered organ full of mirrors.
Over the course of ten 5-hour episodes, they’ll keep pulling at David’s motivations and damaged psyche until you don’t know which way is up.
Is David the victim? The perpetrator? Both? If he succeeded in his mission, why is he still here? And how are you supposed to feel about it all? Are you supposed to feel anything?
Deadly Paradox, only on Storybang.
7
The Fantastical Voyage of Captain Donovan.
On Christmas Day, 2535, Captain Ray Donovan and the crew of the Starship Moros attempted the impossible. They entered into the gravitational pull of a black hole, hoping they could use it as a slingshot to catapult them to worlds unknown at unfathomable speed. There were no survivors.
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Cooked low and slow over hot coals so that the fat renders and the meat becomes fork tender. The skin is transformed into an almost candied shell that delivers a dense bouquet of umami and smokey complexity that accentuates the natural sweetness of the meat. The result is a hellish juxtaposition of forbidden delights and a perfect balance of flavor and texture: a rich and succulent meat that melts in your mouth, and crisp, fatty skin that gives the dish a full mouthfeel.
Green Apron.