Hey, how's it going?
I just want you to know that no matter how bad things get, how vulnerable and isolated you may feel, you are not alone.
You are never alone. They are with you, always.
Who are they, you may ask. The shadow people. The denisons of the seventh dimension.
The shadow people are imperceivable to you. Sometimes, if you’re tired enough, you’ll catch a glimpse of one out of the corner of your eye. But when you turn your head, there's nothing there.
You can’t see them, but they can see you. Every second of your life. Even during your most intimate moments, they are watching you, judging you.
Have you ever been sitting at home and suddenly felt a chill, felt goosebumps, even though it’s warm in your room? That’s the shadow people, gently blowing on your arm, just to mess with you.
The shadow people love messing with you. They’ll hide your car keys right before you need to go to work. They’ll startle your dog in the middle of the night, just when you’ve finally gotten to sleep. They’ll eat the last of your cereal, and won’t even throw the box away.
They delight in your suffering. In your moments of joy, they’ll whisper into your ear. You are inadequate. You are a fraud. You are unworthy of happiness or love.
And that’s if you’re lucky. Every once in a while, the shadow people become so enamored by a person, they decide to bring them home. People disappear all the time, where do you think they go? Amelia Aerheart, D.B. Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa, all of them dragged to the shadow realm, all condemned to an eternity of unimaginable horror.
What can be done about the shadow people? Nothing. You are at their mercy. In fact, there are countless cosmic forces that shape your existence, most of which your primitive simian brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
There is only one universal truth and it is this:
You are not in control.
Oh, I’m sorry, was that too real for you? Well, then maybe you should try Tom’s Feel Good Capsules, now with extra Soma. They won’t make you anything other than an insignificant speck within an infinite, uncaring universe, but at least it won’t matter to you anymore.
That is all. Take care, gentle listener, and sleep well.