Along with being a deliberate example, parents need to be aware of the values you are modeling. Today’s episode explores some virtues that seem to be less common in today’s self-centered and fast paced world. We also discuss how to create moral literacy with stories.
Along with being a deliberate example, parents need to be aware of the values you are modeling. Today’s episode explores some virtues that seem to be less common in today’s self-centered and fast paced world. We also discuss how to create moral literacy with stories.
There are as many ways to parent as there are parents in this world. But there is one way to parent that wins every time. And that's doing it intentionally. This show is about helping things go right before they can go wrong. Each episode is chosen to help parents like you, who may be overwhelmed or uninspired, find the ideas and motivation to give their best efforts to the people and place that matters the most. I'm Dr. Tim, Thayne, author of the book and host of the podcast, not by chance, I believe that a family's success and happiness is not by chance. So welcome to the podcast built especially for intentional families. Let's jump in. I think many of the parents today are hesitant to promote their own values. And maybe it's because they're not exactly clear on what their values are. Instead, what we see today is schools and other institutions that are the primary ones promoting values. And unfortunately, some of the time they're in direct opposition to what the parents want. But I think that's changing. There are a lot of parents waking up to this fact. And for the very first time showing up to school board meetings and other places to really protest and say, these are not our values, we want something different. Well, in today's podcast, I'm really excited to be able to share with you how important values are that we identify them, that we live them that we find a way to teach them. In order to become the number one influencer in our child's life. It has been said that there's nothing more influential, more determinant in a child's life than the moral power of quiet example. That was William J. Bennett, in his book, the book of virtues, by the way, that book is about that thick, and it only covers about 10 virtues. Over time, the literature is full of stories, that that we can go to to really capture those tried and true principles, those true values that will bring us the greatest joy, and really the best path to happiness in our own lives and in the lives for our family. So that's one book I definitely recommend. And it's not one you just breeze through, it's one that you would take one of the virtues and study it and see how you can start to apply it in your life. Well, the reason I'm really excited about this topic, because as you know, the very first episode was on example, the power of example, from parents. Well, in order, for example, to be powerful, you have to know what your example is, is trying to promote. And that leads us to this topic of values. Values is an interesting topic, because it's not just families that have grappled with the idea of values. But it's also organizations, you might have experienced this in your own career, or different places you've gone, where you might be walking down the hallway, and you see a plaque on the wall or a framed sheet of like five values. And these are the organizational values, they put them on the wall. And their hope is that if people see those values, they will start to live those values in their in their work life. The problem with that was a lot of times they weren't really articulated, like what does it actually look like to live out these values in our workplace? And how does that affect our culture? How does that affect the way we we talk to each other? How do these values affect the way we work, etc. So it was never taken to the end of the row, or very seldom that it seemed to be the case. And the same is true in families, a lot of the times there might be a lot of espoused values inside a family. But that is pretty hollow. It doesn't take things very far, unless those espoused values are lived out in a real way. And that's what I want to talk to you about today is, is that there needs to be a way that that our kids can identify not just know what the values are that, that we're trying to live inside this family. But they know it when they see it as well. And they know it when they do it as well. And so to be an influence, this is something that's got to go deep into their heart and into their mind to see how important values are today. I'd say one of the most important things we do in the end for this to really take root in our lives and our kids lives is that they need to start to feel that amazing feeling that that I think we've all felt when we are living true to the values that are good. You know there's something about a good value. Something that's true about it, that ends up creating some sense of, of peace inside or happiness. And to me, that's the biggest clue that we are warm, basically, we're, we're really on the track, that's going to give us the most joy and happiness. And we got to help our kids connect to the.to, that one of the experiences I've had over and over and over again with my kids is that I've had opportunities in our community, and in our church to be able to serve other people. And of course, that's counter to maybe most of our natures to do more things for ourselves than other people. But because there were these assignments or these opportunities, in in one specific case, we would have two or three people that that was kind of our assignment to go and watch over and to help them if they had things that they needed. And I was, I was going with my kids, me and one of my kids would go there and, and we would find out how they're doing each month and make sure things are going well. And almost every time, it was hard to get out the door, you know, as maybe they were dragging their feet, and they didn't really want to go. And we would end up going and almost every time, as we're closing the door to the home, we're walking down the steps to the car, I look over and I'm seeing the big smiles on their faces, there was a feeling of joy, as they experienced this value of forgetting self and serving other people. So that's something I really truly believe in. If you are living out one of the true values out there, there will be a sense of this is good, this feels right, I feel happy about this. And if you can do it, right, so it's not a fight beforehand, then your kids are going to feel that too, they're going to feel this amazing feeling of hey, I like this, I don't know why I complain every time or it wasn't so bad. after all. I don't think it was that long ago that society as a whole, there was a lot more unity around what the values are. And, and so we could count on those values being taught, taught and lived and talked about in other places besides the home. So it was a lot of reinforcement for those true values. And, and I actually think that it also brought people together, because that's kind of a universal thing. You know, compassion, let's talk about that value compassion for other people. That's something that we all can buy into, we can all agree with that. No matter what our political party, no matter what religion or not, or a different kind of religion, compassion for other people's certainly will bring that feeling I'm talking about. So that was going on in society, we could count on it. But the moral education of our kids is not going to be reinforced out there anywhere, really, it needs to be inside the home, we need to see that as our primary responsibility. And maybe there's some secondary supports out there, you know, friends and other people, maybe church or other settings where, where those values will be reinforced. But know that as parents, it really is our job, and there's not going to be anybody else fill that gap. So we have to be intentional about it. The other night, Roxanne and I were at dinner with some really good friends of ours. And just that day, I talked to a couple of my adult children who are just talking about difficulties in their lives and kind of, you know, what's, what's the right thing to do. These days, there's so much uncertainty and confusion about right and wrong and things like that. Well, we're at sushi with these friends. And, and as we talked, what I felt like is that it is so great to have friends like that, that have common values as us that our children can connect with because it's not always just coming from mom and dad. So having other adults in their life that that are living out these true principles in a way that our kids can can observe themselves and see the benefits of that is incredibly powerful. So I want to connect them as much as I can with others, not just me and and their mother, but other people who are also promoting those same values in their own homes. Now, here's the kicker, though, about values that, you know, we have to be honest about this as adults and parents. We can't have two separate sets of values, you know, one for the kids and another set of values for the adults. They have to be consistent. You know, think about that is really the truly the bedrock that we're building on top of that needs to be the same across the board. We can have different privileges where The adults have some privileges the kids don't have. But underneath all of that, at the value level, there has to be this consistency. You might remember from the last episode, I shared an example of a father that had a had a different set of values for himself and for his son around cursing, and we had to have that conversation there to get, help him understand that if he was going to expect that he really needed to live that. Now, here's a really true principle that you can't give what you don't have inside you. It has to be inside you in some way to be able to give it to other people. In other words, you can't really not have it in your heart and in your life, and and least striving for consistency around that value. And also promote it effectively with our kids. I mean, I know all of us would love to be able to have that kind of influence, even if we're not there. And so again, here's another encouragement for me and for you, to get ourselves to a place where it really is inside us. So that we can then offer it to to our kids. As I was coming to the studio today to do this podcast, I noticed the snow and of course it it brought to mind some memories. And I mentioned the value of compassion. And I can't say that without thinking of my own mother. I can't think of another person I know that has more just pure love and compassion in her heart for other people, including strangers than my own mom. My earliest memory that I have is when I was a little small child. I have two older brothers. And I think I was probably two or three very, very young. And we had a big snowstorm. And my two older brothers got all dressed and weren't in their warm clothes ran outside and they started playing in the snow. And before long, they're trying to put together a snowman. And I see them and I want to go outside and my mom Bumbles me all up in my coat and puts my mittens on and I go outside. Well, I soon realized that there's no way to create a snowball and eventually a bigger ball to make a snowman with my gloves on. So I take them off. And I'm trying to do it with my bare hands. Well, it didn't take too long for my hands to become so cold that it was almost shocking to me. You know, I'd never felt pain like that before. I think that's why I remember this so well. And, and I panicked and screamed and cried, and I went to the door and mom meets me at the door, pulls me in, picks me up, takes me into the other room sits me on her lap, and puts my hands in her long, thick, dark hair. And to warm my hands up on her head. Such a sweet memory. And I have watched her exemplify this value of compassion 1000s of times over the course of my life, I can't actually be around her without seeing this value demonstrated. It's an amazing thing. She has it in her and and there is no way to deny the power of that value. When you have an example like that in your life, on our game changer, parent group on Facebook, we have Tracy Estabrook said that she's deliberately and intentionally trying to teach the value of kindness and integrity. Those are the two that are really important to her. I want you to think about in your own life, what are the values that I want to both live and teach my own kids? What's going to matter the most and boil that down to just a few things and and then identify in your lives and in your family life? How does that look inside our family? Let's not just hanging on the wall. But let's describe what does it look like when we're actually living out that value. I've got to share one of the values my dad's taught me and that is the value of hard work. I didn't like to work. As a kid, I hated the fact that anytime my dad was outside working on something, he expected me to be out there with him. And it didn't matter if it was freezing cold. It didn't matter if it was a holiday. I needed to be out there working alongside him. Now, of course, there were some, you know, some exceptions to the rule. I did go on dates on Friday nights and different things like that. And he'd let me off work a little early to do that. But in general, that was the feeling like I couldn't look out the window and see him working and just stay in the house. This is something I think actually transmitted. It did come to me. And what's kind of cool about it is that I think I have transmitted it to my kids And I really kind of wondered about that at times as they were growing up, you know, are they getting this value. And in some ways, I think I might have transmitted it too good, because I've got boys that are probably spending more time than they should working. And, and so we got to find some balance, maybe the balance, the value of finding balance in life needs to come into play here. But I'm really proud of the fact that that is a value that has been handed down from generation to generation for as far back as I can tell, that we do have that, that ability to work hard. I'm really excited to let you know, again, I've mentioned this before, but I want to show you our yearbook, the not by chance, yearbook, it's out. It's amazing. It's filled with stories, wonderful stories about family life, living intentionally. And so you'll find values all the way through this, this book, tons of them. I think, in fact, I think it'd be really interesting for us to go through the process of reading this and highlighting the different values and identifying the different values in it. One of these wonderful people that's submitted, her name is Margaret Kinderman. She's a great friend of the family. But she shares small acts of love that keep us connected these she calls them micro traditions. And so she has all kinds of ways and ideas that they share love inside their family. Now, that's an amazing value, isn't it? A value is we love each other, and we show it in our family. And so that's just one example, I think you could flip to any one of these stories in here, and actually identify some amazing family values. So I'd encourage you to take a look at that on not by chance and order a copy. And it's also really great way to sit down and read stories through your own kids and talk about the values you find in them. It's filled with inspiration, and the true values that we're talking about today. You know, speaking of stories, to me, one of the most powerful ways you can, you can help increase the moral literacy of your kids is to tell stories of morality and in inaction. There's some either inside our own families and our parents, etc. In our daily lives, there's people in our lives that we we get to see them act out these amazing values, and we should go home and tell them to our kids around the dinner table, because stories are vivid, they will be something that they can picture in their mind. Let me give you a little example of this. My mother in law, at her funeral, a story was told about her. And it has to do with honesty and integrity. She didn't even realize that this this experience had been had. But basically she went to the grocery store one day, she had her young son with her. And she was standing in line to get a newspaper from one of those little vending machines where you put a coin in, open the door, take a newspaper, and the woman in front of her, you know, put a coin in open the door took two papers instead of one, and handed my mother in law, one of the papers and moved on. her young son watched her put a coin in, open the door shattered again. And, and never really say a word about it. And basically, the value of integrity and honesty was reinforced in that moment. And she didn't even realize it. But it was two things it was, you know, paying for the paper, not taking it for free. But also she did not shame the woman that gave her the free paper. And that stuck with him for a long time. He shared the story at her funeral. And again, I'm sure that was one of many examples because it was inside her to have integrity. So it would just naturally come out. And she's not even really trying because, you know, in their family. It was my wife's father, who was the one doing the teaching, most of the time. They had regular family home evenings, they would talk about values at that time. And I'm sure they talked a lot about integrity and honesty. But it was in this quiet act of of honesty that taught the lesson, you know, maybe as repeated in lessons over time, which is a good thing. But it was the action that made all the different sets where the this example and the values come together to create this incredible learning opportunity for our kids. In the end, I want you to know I strongly I believe that there are timeless principles and values that are true. And no matter what society does and where it goes and drifts, it really is up to us to find those bedrock true values and principles that we build our house on, that we build our, our family on. And it is the way that we can gain strength, it's the way to combat the confusion of the world. And we if there's ever a time that this is needed, it is now think about the example I mentioned in the first episode with, you know, would we ever allow a stranger to walk into the room and sit on our child's bed and teach them values contrary to the ones that we've been trying to espouse for hours on end? Which is what they do when they get on social media? Of course not, we'd never let that happen in real life, a stranger do that yet. That's what's happening. So again, I just urge me and you that we identify what these values are that matter to us, we take a self assessment, ask ourselves, how well are we doing it actually living up to the values that we espouse, make some changes if we need to start teaching in word and deed those values to our children, find ways they can get us exposed to that through stories, through having contact with other people with like values, and help them feel what that is like to have that in their heart as they live that they will feel that which will then be this self perpetuating loop of, Hey, maybe I don't feel good now. But I remember when I did that, or when I was living in that way. I felt great. And that's something we can count on. So I wish all the best as you as you strengthen your family through providing these bedrock values and principles. Parents, your time is valuable, and I'm grateful you spent some of it with us. What you're intentionally doing in your home life is inspiring and unmatched in its importance and long term effects. Ask yourself, What am I going to do because of what I've learned today?