Dr. Thayne interviews his wife, Roxanne, on the power of storytelling. You must be as entertaining and compelling as your competitor (social media) to influence your teen. Become a master storyteller to encourage your teen to take action, adopt value, and come closer as a family. After this episode, you will ask yourself what stories you have that would impact your teen.
Challenge: Find a story in your life that teaches a principle. Take your time to craft it into something compelling and entertaining. And when you share your story, hold back from explaining the principle; let them discover it themselves.
Dr. Thayne interviews his wife, Roxanne, on the power of storytelling. You must be as entertaining and compelling as your competitor (social media) to influence your teen. Become a master storyteller to encourage your teen to take action, adopt value, and come closer as a family. After this episode, you will ask yourself what stories you have that would impact your teen.
Challenge: Find a story in your life that teaches a principle. Take your time to craft it into something compelling and entertaining. And when you share your story, hold back from explaining the principle; let them discover it themselves.
There are as many ways to parent as there are parents in this world. But there is one way to parent that wins every time. And that's doing it intentionally. This show is about helping things go right before they can go wrong. Each episode is chosen to help parents like you, who may be overwhelmed or uninspired, find the ideas and motivation to give their best efforts to the people and place that matters the most. I'm Dr. Tim, Thayne, author of the book and host of the podcast, not by chance, I believe that a family's success and happiness is not by chance. So welcome to the podcast built especially for intentional families. Let's jump in. Thank you again for joining us for the not by chance Podcast. Today, we're going to continue with the theme of becoming the number one influencer in our teens live. And I think that in the world today, where there are literally millions of vying for that number one position, we have to be incredibly creative. And we have to figure out ways to put ourselves in that position where we stand out. And so today we're going to talk about something you may not suspect could be a major tool in your toolbox is apparent. And that is the ability to identify, craft and ultimately tell stories that have powerful impact, to be able to influence your teen in the ways that you want. The reality is all the different things out there on the Internet and other options, they have to put their attention on our kids, they all have a purpose, they are driving at some agenda. And obviously, in many cases, it's contrary to the agenda that we have as parents. So again, this is where we got to step up, we got to get creative, we got to figure out ways to actually get the attention. And not just the attention but the connection, and convey those things that actually will will become part of who they are. So today, I've brought Roxanne Thayne, my wife to be on the podcast, I can't think of anybody that would be more fit for this particular topic than her. She has been studying the power of stories for a long time. She's a writer, she is also an editor, and is also our marketing director. So with that, Roxanne thanks for joining me on this podcast. And I'm excited to be able to share some ideas for parents that probably aren't real common out there, around the power of stories.
Roxanne Thayne:I think that all of us can think of somebody in our life and or in the family, that's a great storyteller, the one that everybody gravitates to at a family dinner. And it's because they know how to capture attention with something that's funny, or dangerous, or something that they learned from. They just seem to have a magic power about them. That draws everybody in some kind of pixie dust has been sprinkled on these people. But that's not really what it is. It's the maybe they've learned how to capture attention, creativity, and end with something where you walk away going, Wow, that was meaningful. You know, I thought just now about my aunt who's about to pass right now. And she's one of the number one influencers in my life. And I remember sitting at her feet, and she would talk to my dad and tell stories about her life or things that she was reading. And one day, I remember she turned to me and said, Roxanne, make sure who you marry is kind because the first time he's unkind to you in the morning. Good looks wear off really fast. And I'm not saying you're not good looking because I think you are darling. But it was something that just impacted me so much, because it came with a zinger quality, where she turned and stared at me and gave me the the crux of that whole story. And I've remembered it for like 45 years later and still talking about it. And so any parent can become very, very intentional in the ways that they tell stories, not only about themselves as a parent for their teens to learn from, but the stories that they helped craft for their team to help them understand themselves better recognize things that that are real strengths in them.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Stories are used in all kinds of ways to influence and one of the one of the most powerful ways and maybe most common ways we've seen them used is in sales, for example. And in most sales scripts, there is stories that are included in that because ultimately, they're trying to get the customer to visualize themselves using that product or, or using the service that's trying to be described. And it's to me locomotion and to invoke action, and all of those things. And so why haven't we not tapped into that, like we could have, I think as parents intentionally, when I think back in my life, and in my own naive use of stories, there was something I knew very, very early on. And that was that stories are powerful. I love to listen to my family talk about things. My dad's especially, he's a great storyteller. And they had impact on me. And so when I was actually dating you, I had an opportunity to, I think, impress you in some way. And I saw it as a really important moment in, in my opportunity to kind of bring you to onto my team, when I had the chance to speak in front of a large audience that you were going to be there. And I remember the night before thinking about what story can I tell that would illustrate this, but that would have impact on the audience. But I was actually thinking about you not not all the other people that were going to be there. And you remember that right?
Roxanne Thayne:Oh, it's a huge night for us. I remember sitting in the audience and, and you were telling your story, it was a very vulnerable story about how dumb you looked when you're hunting on the mountain one day and got lost. And you told something about how you got found again, and the audience laughed. And I wrote a little note to my cousin who has a few rows up and I said, Hey, see that guy in the yellow tie? I think I'm going to marry him. If there was a moment of connection, where I could see myself with you, I, I felt I felt for you. And it was a hurdle in our relationship. We connected over your story,
Dr. Tim Thayne:that I didn't realize how powerful that was until years later. Yeah. But that story ended up being huge. Yeah. And I thought about that it was a story I'd told many times. And I was good at telling it. And there were some elements to it that I think actually fit the the power of a story that I think you're gonna get into in a minute. But I just want our audience to think about, as you go through some some of these thoughts that you've learned over the last few years, I want them to start to actually get a notebook out, there may be some ideas come to their mind, while we're actually in this podcast today. That if they jot down those those notes, stories that come to mind, I believe they're meant for you to come come to your mind right now and to be used inside your family intentionally. So let's talk about the different ways stories can be used and maybe maybe without intending they could be harmful. I know that we've had some conversations lately on a pattern that we're seeing emerge a little bit in our own family, where old stories are being retold over and over again, that aren't always they're funny, but they're not always lifting. And so we're we're now seeing that the power story needs to be kind of reined in and aimed and a little bit of a different direction.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, I think that as people change and grow, they want to have that space to grow. And they want to leave some of their old stuff behind. We have a son who has really made some huge strides in the last few months, since he's graduated from high school. And I brought something up the other day when I was talking to him about you are a little punk Archer. And I saw his face fall. And then my heart started to hurt because I realized he thought he'd moved beyond that. And I wasn't letting go of that old story of the hard times that we had had in high school with him. And so you do need to be very careful. Because siblings will tell stories back and forth. They'll say, remember that time you ran away from home and it was so dumb, you know, or whatever it was, or remember the time that you caused so much contention. This was so who you were or who you are, and we need to help them rewrite that story and help people understand that people change and they can grow and we can't keep them in a box.
Dr. Tim Thayne:I think what would be really powerful as those stories are maybe resurfaced, maybe they come up unintentionally, again, if we could say that was what you were then. And now you are this. There's been this change. So the real story is the change not you stuck in time in the past without the qualities you have now. But it's this evolution. And maybe as parents, one of the things we can do is we can always look for that change and and broaden the story. So it includes that next level. We don't just put a period at the end of that story that we tell over and over again. We open it up for the story is continuing. And there's this amazing evolution and transformation that's now happening.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah Yeah, you know, we have a we lost someone to suicide a year or so ago. And as we were talking as a family, one of the things that this individual had a hard time with was feeling that they had purpose, or that they'd had any influence on anyone's lives, they felt like the world would be fine without them. And we were discussing, what would it have meant to them to know, this is how you changed my life, this is how you influenced me this is when you came along at the right moment for me. Maybe if they'd had some of those ideas, it could have helped them hang on a little longer. Till things got brighter, they got the help they needed whatever it was. And I don't think that we can diminish the power of the story that we tell other people about themselves. So it's great if we want to share our own stories. But how awesome if we can write a story for them, where they're actually the hero, but they don't even remember it, they were not even conscious that they were the hero in the story. But you can say, You know what, when you smiled at me that day, or when you asked for a little bit more detail on that about my life, it made me feel good, it made me feel heard. I really needed you that day. And all sudden, they're a hero, and they didn't even know it. But then they think you loved me, you appreciated me, I do matter.
Dr. Tim Thayne:And I think one of the things that a story does that we need to use in its intended way. If we're trying to help someone realize they have these good qualities, sometimes we'll just jump to that and we'll name off their good qualities. And we'll try to help lift them that way. And you can almost see it deflecting right off them, they they tend to be resistant to anybody sharing a story or, or advice or insights about them that are that are not what they see in themselves. But if they can almost visualize you telling a true story about them from your perspective that the ends up showing them as the hero as you talk about there, that's a completely different way to help them connect to the reality of their gifts and who they really are. So we we sometimes try to do it head on, here's what you're good at, here's why you're great. And, and it it never really sinks in. It doesn't
Roxanne Thayne:and you know, in storytelling, one of the phrases you hear this in English all the time writing is show don't tell why. Because if you tell them like you said they can deflect it, they can say I already knew that I knew you're gonna say that. But if you show it to them, and you create a visual in their mind, you create a cinema, a movie that is playing, they get into that we are Wired for Story, we want to be told we want to be entertained. If you show it to me, show me how I overcame that challenge. Show me what you did, all of a sudden, their resistance is down and they are in the palm of your hand. They're ready to hear it and they walk away if you don't beat them with the moral of the story at the end. And this is probably as important as show don't tell it is to allow them to understand what the moral of the story is, or the point of the story without saying. So as we can tell from this story. You must never or you should always don't do that. People learn best when they discover for themselves, not when it is laid out for them. So let them go. Ah, I get it.
Dr. Tim Thayne:When you said that you can create a cinema in their mind. What that triggered me to think of is, is today to become an influencer in your teens life, you have to be entertaining, to some extent. I mean, you can't just can't just the old common ways that we might try to influence the pastor or past. You think about what's influencing them, it's highly engaging. It's usually visual. It's oftentimes online, it's addictive, even. So all of these things you are competing against. And so if you don't have the tool of being able to create a visual in their mind, like a cinematic experience for them, it's unlikely that you're going to capture their attention very long and certainly not be that big, that big of an influence. So thanks for bringing up the cinema because that you know, that came into my brain I could see the cinema I could see the motion picture. And that is really what stories can do.
Roxanne Thayne:And if you think about motion, or the motion that they're seeing in their mind, think about tick tock. Think about social media. These things have been so clipped down there is no space in between thoughts. There is no there's no mess ups whatever there is, it is very powerful and it is very concentrated information. So If you have to read your audience, your kids are not going to sit around for a 20 minute story, you might have one to two minutes max, you need to read the room. I mean, if you're in a car, and everybody's got all the time in the world, you got an eight hour trip ahead of you. Sure, you can stretch a story out for 10 minutes. But also people want to be able to tell a story back to you. And that is huge information for mom and dad to get a story back about, you know, here's the story about my best friend and an adventure we had, who would you say was one of your best friends, tell me about one of your adventures, oh, my gosh, you were gonna get such gold from their life history if you do that. But you have to be careful that you don't just drone on and on. So as you are picking the details of the story that you're going to tell the things that are going to kind of give context, make sure that you are picking the ones that really matter. For the end point the thing you want them to walk away knowing at the end, like I know, my dad has way more courage than I ever pictured before. Or I know that kindness counts. But you didn't say it. You didn't bludgeon them with it. You just helped them discover it, and they saw it in their mind's eye.
Dr. Tim Thayne:So basically, Roxanne, what you're saying is you really should be intentional about Why are you picking that particular story, because you can craft the story to kind of make that be the the outcome without then pointing it out at the end. And there's lots of ways or there are a lot of reasons why you'd want to use a story. One might be to teach a value, one might be to help them take action. One could be to illustrate some positive behavior or a role model that they could look to. Another one is to reinforce any other value you might have as a family. So there, there are lots of reasons to tell a story. But if you can connect the story to the purpose, and then let it do its work, without again lecturing at the end or anything else. That's going to be the most powerful way. And I wonder if you could take a minute or two to talk about what makes a powerful story. What makes it what makes a story period?
Roxanne Thayne:Well, I was recently teaching a group of teachers and we were talking about the number one teaching tool is a story. So as a parent, you're not normally thinking about teaching your your child, you're just living life, you know. But really, there is nothing more powerful. And I started to throw out there some stories, and I said, tell me how this one ends. And everybody knew how it ended because they remembered it. Now if I had said, Hey, tell me about that lecture that happened last week in a teacher conference meeting. And there was three bullets, I wouldn't get one bullet back. You cannot give quotes or statistics that are going to stick with people. But a story that they visualize they've had an emotional response to, they can repeat that back to you. So yeah, I think that one of the things that we want to talk about is, this is something that is really powerful. And I learned this from presenter, he travels the globe teaching people. And he said, the thing that is most powerful about story is when you tell a story that was recent. And that happened to you personally. So stories about grandparents or a co worker, or, or a neighbor, those are good, those are fun, those are helpful. But if you can say it happened to me, and it didn't happen six years ago, or when I was a teen that actually happened this week at work. Wow. It's still relevant. That's really important for you to remember. So you have those stories you already do tell in your family, they come up their traditional stories. But what if you became a story Scout, you were really on high alert? For how can I take that and teach that value? At home to my kid, my boss just showed me a great example of it. How can I teach it to my kid at home? How can I say you remind me of my boss, because I saw it at lunch this week? You know, wouldn't that be a powerful thing? You know, today's since we're talking about stories, one of the favorite projects I've ever had, as a marketing director, working with you over these past years was creating the not by chance, yearbook, and this year's issues. Issue four is on the topic of home. And the reason this is so powerful is yes, it's beautiful. It's got gorgeous pictures in it, but it's because it's such different stories about different people's lives and things that make home for them. So we have stories about dog and how that makes it home. We have stories about mom's chili and her bread that made it home for them. We have stories about new homes that were created because you adopted a child and you created a home for them. We'd have a story about a teen who was in the wilderness and how it became something for him another young adult who talks about trying to leave home These stories resonate with people. And it's been fun to see, different people come to me saying this was my favorite or that was my favorite. One of the stories in here that I wrote about was if these walls could talk, and it's telling stories, or it's just telling phrases that our walls at our home, probably have absorbed because they were some of the most impactful phrases, or they were the most oft repeated phrases, things like, you better get out there and get the horses fed before dad gets home. Okay, that's oft repeated. Now, if I was to throw that out as a prompt at dinner, and I said to my kids, what does this remind you of, we would get 15 stories about funny things that happened with the horses. But if you threw out something like, we're going to have a baby, what emotion comes to mind, I mean, we get tearing, just hearing that, because we start to think about the children that have come into our lives. So I would suggest, if you haven't got this book that you go to, not by chance.com and, and order yourself a copy. It's beautiful. It's a wonderful gift, if you want to get it for other people. It's uplifting. It's inspirational. And it's just joyful. But we are going to do a giveaway. And if you would write to Dr. Tim thayne@gmail.com. And tell us a story that you've actually shared with one of your family members. Because of today's podcast, we will put you into a drawing where we are giving away four copies of Issue four of the not by chance yearbook.
Dr. Tim Thayne:That's gonna be fun to hear your stories. And we were excited to be able to give those books away those not by chance here books away. All right, Roxanne. So we're all excited about stories, we know that that's what we need. But we need a little help on how to create a powerful story. Do you have a tip for us on how to do that?
Roxanne Thayne:I do. And it's going to take a minute for me to really draw it out for you. But it's the most important thing. There's books, there are courses, there's even degrees on storytelling that you can get in college, but we're going to try to get it down to a nutshell just for this podcast. So in a nutshell, one of the most important things that you can do is to show the change in a character from the beginning to the end. And you really want to show massive growth. So I want you just to think about some real blockbuster movies. And I'm going to give one that maybe the moms would like and maybe one that the teens would like. So I want to talk about Pride and Prejudice. I know I'm hearing girls from the teenage boys whose moms have made them watch it. But it's such a great, enduring classic because we watch the growth of a character in Elizabeth Bennet. So Tim, tell me how Elizabeth Bennett felt about Mr. Darcy the love interest at the beginning of the book.
Dr. Tim Thayne:He was arrogant in her mind and above her and treated her badly and her sisters.
Roxanne Thayne:Exactly. Okay. Oh, that
Dr. Tim Thayne:proves I've watched it. That's right. Yeah. And I actually love it. I think it's a great story.
Roxanne Thayne:It is. And then there's a bunch of things that happen in the middle, there's balls, there's heartbreak, there's shame. There's all kinds of things that happen in the middle. There's a funny cousin that comes to town. How does she feel about Mr. Darcy? By the end?
Dr. Tim Thayne:She realizes she has misjudged him massively, and that he is good. And so her heart has completely changed.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, she realizes that she was arrogant. She was proud. Yeah, she was selfish,
Dr. Tim Thayne:a separate title. You know, in a way, they obviously knew what a good story was. We're going to actually put the title of the book make that the the story.
Roxanne Thayne:Yeah, that that is the change the growth in her. And it doesn't have to be something massive. It could just be a change of heart, the change in the way she was thinking. Now let's talk about one that is really one of my favorite Marvel movies, and it's Spider Man. So tell me what you picture when you picture Peter Parker at the very beginning of the movie. What is he like?
Dr. Tim Thayne:He's not confident. He's kind of not sure who he is. His identity is uncertain. There's not a purpose in his life.
Roxanne Thayne:Right? He can't get the girl he just feels like all of that. Then a bunch of things happen. One of the things that happens is that he loses his Uncle Ben. And Uncle Ben had a really important phrase that he said in the middle of the movie. He says with great power comes great responsibility right before he dies. That phrase changes. Peter Parker. Of course, he gets hit by the spider he starts to figure out he has powers. He has to hide that for a while. Then he starts to take on bigger and bigger foes until the end where he realizes the city needs him and he can save the city. We love growing with him. We love watching this discovery of who I am. And it is a cinema in our brain. But wouldn't your kid love to hear a story about mom and how she changed in her first job, from being somebody who was scared at McDonald's and didn't know how to smile and talk to customers, to where she walked out of that job feeling like she could go apply for a new job. Or wouldn't it be powerful for you to talk to your daughter and say, you may feel like you don't have any friends. But I saw a time when that did that to you befriended somebody new, you shared what you had with someone who didn't have as much. Those kinds of stories are the things that people then take and put into their identity. I am kind, I am brave, I can do hard things. I don't shy away from scary situations. And we help pack those stories around our kids kind of as a protection from the buffeting of the world, because they're gonna go out into a cold, hard world and they need protection, they need to know who they are. And the stories that you've told them about who they are about who their family is about what you've seen them accomplish. They are going to harken back to in those difficulties.
Dr. Tim Thayne:You know, what hit me here is that, as as you're watching your team grow, and go through things like I don't have any friends or I'm lonely. It really gives you an opportunity to think back in your own life and realize that you had periods of time like that, and you probably haven't shared those stories in in an intentional way to help them know that they're gonna get through this. I think I recently for the first time shared part of my experiences as a junior high school student in a new school without any friends. And I said I crafted in way that I had never done before. And it had a lot of impact with my kids who were listening to me tell that story. And I never really told the story the way that I did that time. And I think it would have the impact on a teen that, oh, my dad went through this before. And now look at him. He's confident he has friends. And I can I can see myself doing that, too. So it may not be that you can pull something out of their life, but you might have something in your life that, hey, he was able to do it or she was able to do it, then I can.
Roxanne Thayne:You know, I think one of the important things that we need to remember is that you don't start a story always with mine, I tell you a story because that gets really formal. And then it does feel like a teaching experience. Instead, just in conversation, say oh my gosh, you know what happened to me today. So oh my gosh, everybody, all you listeners out there, you know happened to me today, I went to our local carwash, and it's just been taken over by new management. They used to have spray bottles and microfiber towels for us, which was super convenient. Well, now we have a new car wash management, and they just give you a little tablet to wipe down your dash with. But I found out that they actually have a cooler of wet microfiber towels next to their little kiosk cut. So when I pulled up, I thought they probably don't like this because they're trying to save money and not have to launder all those towels. But I'm just going to ask the attendant to grabbing one of those. So I rolled down my window, she started to walk towards me. I said, Hey, before you come, can you grab me one of those type towels before you get over here. So she kind of turned on her heel went back. Got one. And as she came up, I said, Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I just want you to walk all the way over and then have to go back and she just turned did not say anything to me handed me the towel, walked back to get my license plate. And I sat back in my car seat like oh my gosh, what ever happened to customer service. This girl has a nose ring. She's just a snotty teenager. And then she came back. And this is five seconds later, she comes back to the window. And she was oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I was just about to cough and I didn't want to cough in your face. So thank you so much have a great day. She warmed up, she was darling. And I'm thinking from somebody who has no skills and no customer service to how can I get her number for my son, you know, and as I sat there for just a few moments of quiet in a car wash, I thought Roxanne will get the story you've just created and the way that you judge this person. And you had no idea it was completely different.
Dr. Tim Thayne:Well, you sharing that story illustrates the power story visualized everything you said and I could see the moral, you know, as well, which is don't judge people. You know, give it a give it a shot. You know, give them some time and stay open to who they really are. So you didn't have to hit me over the head with a moral or anything else. But but a powerful story that that you can share that shares a value that you have.
Roxanne Thayne:And did you think of times you've misjudged somebody? Absolutely. Yeah, there you go. Now
Dr. Tim Thayne:Are these snap judgments that sometimes I've made that come to mind? Well, this has been an amazing topic. And the hope is, is that you will go back now and realize the power of stories that you go back and mine your own life, maybe even just this past week for some stories that you can share in a way that would would promote what you're trying to do as a parent. You know, think about each child, consider what kind of story do they need right now? What do they need from you, as you share that story, I want you to watch their body language. Notice, if they're fully locked in on you, you know, if you have created a story that shares your change over time, or you watching them change over time, I think you're gonna see especially if you add a few of the details of the stuff that happened in the middle between, here's what you were. And here's how you how you are now and this stuff in the middle is really interesting. I think you're gonna see them lock in and really take in what it is that you have to say. They might even be inspired to share story back with you. And you can practice another one of the influential traits that we talked about, I think just a week ago, which is listening and give them your full attention. Notice as you share stories back and forth, the bond that will be created the community of feeling that we get each other, and we're here to support each other. But the bottom line is, stories are an incredibly powerful tool that we don't use intentionally like we should most of the time. So make that one of your most go to tools to create the influence that you really need at a time in life, your kids, that they need you to stand out and entertain and capture their attention and share the values that you have for them. Parents, your time is valuable, and I'm grateful you spent some of it with us. What you're intentionally doing in your home life is inspiring and unmatched in its importance and long term effects. Ask yourself, What am I going to do because of what I've learned today?