Wedding Frustrations

Sometimes you just need to do what’s best for you. Courtesy of the BWWPS Submission Box

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to, but what Will People Say? I'm your host, deesha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuritial Relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Hi everyone, welcome back to the show.

Speaker 1: 0:22

This week's episode is based off of an audience submission in our anonymous box. You can find the anonymous box down in the description of this show at any point if you want to leave questions, comments concerns, topics you'd like covered or scenarios you might want some input on. So this week's episode is wedding related, not so much wedding planning as wedding feeling, because while wedding planning is meant to be this fun and exciting time in your life, often when you end up in the interracial realm especially when you're a brown girl it can kind of just turn into a nightmare and sometimes it sucks. So maybe this is an episode where you just want to hear about how it's okay to maybe not love the process and maybe just feel validated. So here we go. So this person is 29 years old and she said I had to pause my wedding due to the pandemic. I'm starting to plan it again and I've decided to disinvite my entire extended family. A good chunk of them have made the wedding process miserable for me to the point where it retriggered my depression. Some of them have been nice, but in my situation it's all or none and I pick none. At this point I need to concentrate on my mental health. Seeing their faces in the crowd, paying for entertainment and food for them and sharing a major milestone with them just doesn't feel right anymore. I just want my parents, in-laws and friends these people crushed my dreams and my trust. No advice, I guess. I just needed validation that I'm not a bad person for putting myself first and showing them that actions and words have consequences.

Speaker 1: 2:16

First off, every single thing, this person you are feeling is so valid. I think it's tough because you grow up and you're told that your wedding is this magical, amazing day, that this is what every girl dreams of and in our culture every girl's value is also based off of, and that you're just supposed to be excited every single second of this process. And then that doesn't happen and it can be really disappointing, because the other thing we think is especially if you grew up in the West, I guess is that your wedding day is about you and your husband or your spouse, and it's not. It's not about you, especially if you're brown Weddings in South Asian culture. Our parents this is about them, this is their day, this is the day they have waited for their entire life and you are essentially just like a little part of that puzzle and that picture that they have. It seems like your extended family is more of the issue. So hopefully our parents aren't causing too many issues.

Speaker 1: 3:25

But just for anyone else who is going through the wedding process, this person is feeling most of the things probably so many of you felt during the wedding process or will likely feel wedding planning has a way of bringing like the best and worst out of people. Like, if you can come out of wedding planning unscathed, kudos to you, because there are a lot of people and this is not just brown people, there's just a lot of people that Don't understand that weddings aren't about them. When they're a guest, like it's about the bride and groom, especially brown people. Like do you know how many brown people go to a wedding and there's the little aunties in the corner and the first thing they start on is critiquing the situation. It's like talking shit about the bride and groom, talking shit about the decorations, talking shit about the food, and it's just like your only job is to be here and be happy for the couple and you can't seem to handle it and in my unprofessional opinion, those people should just not be invited because this goes against a lot of South Asian cultural norms. But you know what the wedding is about the bride and groom and they can do whatever the fuck they want. You can go, you can not go whatever and like that's just what it is, and this is where the cultures really clash in general, especially then you have a partner who's not brown and you first of all. I feel like a lot of us are in that state of like, not even really knowing who we can trust, because our parents will want to invite, like everyone in the milk man and you're like you know for a fact that some of those people just came for the tea, like they're just here to talk shit, or you know that they have already talked shit and yeah, that feeling of like why am I paying for their food and alcohol and this party for them to attend when they don't give a shit about me, right? Like, don't invite them and listen. I get it's complicated.

Speaker 1: 5:24

I don't talk about wedding planning on this show very much, or at least my own wedding because I hated wedding planning. I would argue that it was. It made. It absolutely made me depressed, but also it's just exhausting. And when it's an interracial relationship it's even worse.

Speaker 1: 5:44

And there is a point, at least for me, like I just gave up. Like I completely checked out of my own wedding process like and just like let people Do whatever the hell they wanted, because I got so fed up of everyone around me acting like their Wants, needs and opinions were so important that they couldn't be adjusted or changed. And at no point like, was it ever like, oh, like maybe we should ask Disha what she wanted? Like my mom like Flipped out on me for wanting bridesmaids or even wanting to invite my friends to my wedding. Like she literally thought I was insane and made me cry, literally even the week of my wedding, when I was like oh, like, I invited my friends to the Mindy and the BT and all of that and I got yelled at for being an inconvenience and then Told that how ridiculous that I would invite my friends. They're not even Indian, why would they come? And I'm like are you all fucking insane? And actually at that point in my head like Everyone was fucking insane.

Speaker 1: 6:53

So I was just like, okay, but that I did put my foot down. I invited everybody that I wanted, but there were things that I gave in on and if you do that, that's fine. Like if it's not worth the fight and you just want to like check out and let people do whatever the fuck they want, that's fine too. There were tons of people at my wedding that I know for a fact would literally chop their left arm off if their child Married someone who wasn't brown. And I know for a fact they said things that literally they were like they would throw their child Out on the curb if they ever did what I did. I'm like, why the fuck are you at my wedding? But I was tired of fighting and arguing and I checked out.

Speaker 1: 7:30

So, however you react to, this situation of wedding planning is 100% valid, because there's no right way and everyone's wedding is unique, especially the people around here who have multicultural weddings. There's no guidebook, there's no right or wrong way to do it. So, just honestly, if you're trying your best, great, amazing. Also, it seems like this is impacting your mental health. If it's impen if it is Messing with your mental health, it's not worth it. Like those people absolutely Disinvite them. Who cares? No one wants to walk down the aisle and see a bunch of faces of people who don't want what's best for them. That's just yeah. Don't even feel bad about that. I would just invite them to and then Do like honestly, do what's best for you, take it easy, surround yourself with all the love you can get, even if it's a small army.

Speaker 1: 8:33

I am a big proponent of small Indian weddings and I think this whole trend of like massive, extravagant Indian weddings is like another thing I have a issue with, because it's just like so completely fueled by what will people say and has nothing to do with like Actually having any real value for weddings. And the best weddings I've been to are really small, like less than 50 people, absolute ball in time, greatest weddings I've ever been to. I Think the one thing you have to keep in mind is because South Asians are so good at holding grudges that, like, if you disinvite them from the wedding, most likely they will think you're cutting them out from your life completely, and that's okay if that's kind of the line we're drawing in the sand. I think it's just something to keep in mind that, like that's probably how they're gonna see it and they're probably gonna think you never want to see them again and it seems like you probably don't, because if they broke your trust and they crushed your dreams which is horrific I would never want to see them again either. So welcome. They want to come back around at some point. That's on them.

Speaker 1: 9:43

But you're right, the one thing you said at the end. It says actions have consequences. Yes, they do, and brown people don't get that at all, especially parents, like they get away with so much bad behavior and, yes, we can go down the generational trauma hole all day. Like I can tell you why my parents are all fucked up and then they fucked me up because their parents fucked them up. I get it and I can feel empathy and compassion for that. But I don't have to be the punching bag and neither do you like actions 100% have consequences and that's why, even like when parents will like try to like Disown their kid and like all those kids just like maybe want to try to fix that relationship or try to have a hard Conversation, I'm like if they kick you out, I Hate to like you should actually make them work a lot harder to come back into your life, like a hundred percent and Same thing with what this person saying like if you're gonna break your trust, if you're gonna break someone's Like morale and their dreams, like that's so messed up and they shouldn't be invited. And if they ask, I would straight up tell them that Be like I don't trust you and you're a bad person in my opinion and you're not bringing anything positive to the table of my life.

Speaker 1: 11:03

I'm someone who functions on exclusivity. I'm very picky about who I let into my life. I always call it like the table of my life, like who is invited to have a seat at the table in my life, and there are people who will never get a seat and there are people who might lose a seat and then there are people who might come and go. Because guess what? People change, life happens and Sometimes you'll realize some people are capable of having adult conversations and maybe do mature and change and Can find a way back into your life in a better way than maybe they had before. Because it's easy to be young and write people off.

Speaker 1: 11:46

I think the older I get and having a husband who grew up you know American and there's like this understanding of like people are complicated, people are flawed. Everyone changes over time. People's thoughts and ideas change, they're who they are. Changes because it's growth, whereas brown people, it's like this is how you are and you need to be perfect all the time and you can never make a mistake and you must always be this and there's no reason for you to be anything less than perfect. So when someone is even a little bit imperfect, it is seen as this massive flaw in someone. That is one permanent and unchanging and like should be something to judge them by. And so I think we should also keep that in mind is like, yeah, we can cut people out of our lives and if you're allowed to decide, if they are ever allowed back in, if ever and you're also allowed to let people back in, you could change your mind. You can say, at that point in my life you are not it. It's been 10 years, things have changed, we reconnected and maybe I can gently, at an arms length, let you back in, but that's up to you.

Speaker 1: 12:56

And the wedding planning is so complicated. This is such a tough one to I mean, I guess it's not a question, but everything you are feeling is so valid. Most of what I remember about my wedding process was crying and that's why I don't talk about it, but I did tell myself I'll get my dream wedding in 10 years and I'm gonna invite like 30 people Halfway there. By the way, I'm five years married, let's fucking go. And my husband even wrote it in our anniversary card. He's like five years down, five to go to your dream wedding.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Because while that day was full of so much love and there were lots of positive things, the process of getting to that day was so terrible and just such a lonely nightmare. Because, remember, I also got married before this podcast even existed or spaces online existed where you can go for advice or ask about wedding planning or ask about interracial relationships. Like I was alone on an island doing this and it was brutal and you know what I don't like talking about it and I hope, if you're in this situation, like you're going through this process, like if you can do anything to make it positive, do it, and that includes if you decide you want to check out a little bit at times and disinvite people if you have to, and do what's best for you. Yes, that is very Western, individualistic advice, but you know what, I don't think that's the worst perspective to take in this situation, especially because it seems like your parents and friends and in-laws seem to be on board and if those are the people who will be genuinely happy to celebrate you, then keep them close and you can do what I did where I just built a circle around me.

Speaker 1: 14:50

That day was mostly surrounded by my closest family members and my bridal party, because we had one. So the majority of my day was spent with them and I really only had to interact with anyone else of the other 200 people my mother invited at the actual main wedding and reception, and even then those people kind of stay on the periphery anyway. They barely interact with you. And then my mom was like, oh, you have to go around and say hi to everyone. I'm like, nah, I actually don't. I'm like you invited them, I don't have time to say hi to everybody. So I didn't, because I was busy dancing and partying with my friends who were pretty much within arm's length the entire day. There was a bit of understanding that day that I kind of needed a bit of protecting and obviously it's your wedding, so your bridal party and the people closest to you are always within arm's length and you can kind of just stay in that bubble. It's fine, you're allowed to and try to have as much as possible and take the pressure off. So one thing I did was like I literally had the American white dress wedding in Michael's house, literally in his living room, with like 20 people or 30 people, with a lot of champagne and a whole dining table sized charcuterie board, and that was like our moment, that was ours, and it took the edge off the actual wedding and we went into the Indian wedding planning as literally just being like I'm throwing a rager. I'm throwing a massive party for me and my friends because I get to marry this person who I love so much. And it took the edge off Other things.

Speaker 1: 16:40

Religion is interesting because it is something that will really start to bring a forefront at weddings, like everyone is a regular person until weddings are involved and suddenly everyone who is supposedly religious or cares about religion pops off. Like every single part of this ceremony is so essential. Every part of this process can't be changed. You must do this, you must wear that, you must stay here, like if that is something that's happening again. We're just going to pick and choose our battles and we're just going to roll with it because I don't know like it's tough, because on one hand you want to make everybody happy, on the other hand, you want to do what's best for you. So if you are able to change things, change them. If you can't, or you don't have the energy to leave it. There's really no right or wrong.

Speaker 1: 17:37

And I always say, like interracial weddings, like multicultural weddings, like there's no guidebook, there's no handbook, you can do whatever you want, you can elope, you can throw a massive banger of a wedding, you can invite whoever you want and honestly, do what's best for you, especially like re-triggering your depression, taking a toll on your mental health. Like that's not what you want to remember about your wedding process and as someone who that is mostly what I remember is how unhappy I was leading up to it and how much I cried. It's not something you want to like look back on and be miserable about. Like try your best to make it what you want. Feel your feelings, take the time to do all the self-care, whatever that might look like.

Speaker 1: 18:34

One thing I did for my wedding process to kind of keep things as comfortable, I guess, as possible was keep my bridesmaids close, so even when I had to like go to my parents house and work on wedding planning things or go to my in-laws or whatever. I would always have at least one or two bridesmaids with me because it would almost diffuse the situation, especially with my parents who like, oh, there's someone else here and then suddenly they go into like what will people say? Mode. But it meant it almost kept them in line because they wouldn't just completely go off the deep end though they honestly still did that too. Sometimes it was helpful. I kind of literally created like a safety net around me. So you know, that's kind of the advice I have is keep the people who will protect you and your peace close.

Speaker 1: 19:26

Cut out any toxic people, because we don't really need them, and try your best to have the best time. Do whatever you can to make that the day that you want. If it means scaling back on your guest list, if it means maybe we're not having a 700 person Indian wedding, like that's fine. Do what's best for you, because that's the other thing. I think. The one thing no one talks about that you sort of have to deal with in this process is when you choose someone who isn't brown to marry, suddenly whatever image you had in your head of like those big Indian weddings and like they're beautiful, they're stunning. If that's what you want, do it. But a little part of that is almost like taken away and deflated a little bit, because now you have a partner whose family probably doesn't understand, like why you would have a wedding with 700 people that costs a hundred and seventy five grand to throw, and it's like it. And now you might have parents or in laws who don't know how to mix the cultures, and then it it's a little bit of a let down sometimes, especially if you thought of like you were gonna grow up and go to these big, extravagant weddings and one day you would have your own.

Speaker 1: 20:49

And you know, I asked my mother-in-law for a guest list. She sent me like 25 people. I was like, oh, but like everyone on, everyone you want to invite, not just like our family. And she's like, no, this is everyone, this is my friends, this is our family. Like that's everybody, it's 25 people. And I was like, cool, so this is gonna be awkward now, because my mom wanted an invite 200 people. So that was that. We figured it out and I, literally I forced my mother to cut the guest list down. I was like, no, if I don't know who they are, if I have never met them or I met them when I was to what I'm supposed to remember who they are? Don't like that. She tried anyway, but whatever that's on her.

Speaker 1: 21:38

But yeah, you're allowed to make this as fun as you want. You're allowed to be annoyed and upset and irritated and all the people that you don't trust to be there for you and have the best Interest. Like their interests are your interests. Like don't invite them. Carry on, live your best life, congratulations, have the best day and and eventually, not to minimize any of it, but it's a day. Maybe it's four days, but you will look back and you have the rest of your life to be married to this person you love. And let me tell you Someone who is married, it's the best. I love being married. I've been married for five years and it is. The best part of this has been the journey after the wedding. It's a few days, try to have the best time ever, but the thing you really get to look forward to is the life after that, because I have to say it is amazing and I highly recommend. So, congratulations, have the best time. I hope this at least helped a little bit. Thanks so much for tuning in guys. Make sure if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on iTunes.

Speaker 1: 22:51

You can find the show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on Instagram at Disha dot Mazeppa. You can shop my Etsy shop Disha Mazeppa designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at Disha Mazeppa dot com. And if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email BWWPS Podcast at gmailcom. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye, this podcast is hosted and produced by Disha Mazeppa. Music for the show was created by Crackswell.