Building In Law Relationships

Cultural expectations from In laws and what in law relationships can look like vary a ton and trying to create a healthy relationships between yourself and them can take a little time. An Episode from the BWWPS Anon Submission box. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hi everyone, welcome back to. But what Will People Say? I'm your host, disha Mazzappa, and this is a South Asian Insuraisal, relationship and Lifestyle podcast. Welcome back for another episode. Hi everyone, welcome back to the show. Lots of new faces around here. Hi, welcome to my little corner of the internet. If you've been enjoying the show, please leave a review, either iTunes, spotify, wherever you listen to the show. It really makes a big difference for us around here, and this week's episode is another submission box episode.

Speaker 1: 0:41

So somebody submitted a question situation that they wanted advice on, essentially in the anonymous submission box which is down below in the description, and it is about in-law relationships and kind of trying to improve a relationship with your in-laws or have a closer relationship with them, because family to all of us generally is pretty important, and if it's important to our partner, it's important to us. So without further ado, let's get to it. Okay, so if you're new here, our anonymous submission box is just that it's anonymous, so I don't know a ton about the people who submit these, so I just kind of read to you what they say. This person, she is 27 and her husband is also 27. She said lots of nice things about the podcast. So whoever this was, thanks so much. But her question was you've talked a lot about dealing with the South Asian side of the families, but can you give some advice on the South Asian partner dealing with the other side?

Speaker 1: 1:59

For some context, I'm Indian and my now husband is white. Initially my parents were very against the relationship and his parents were always accepting of whoever he chooses. It took some time to convince my parents, but once they gave it a chance they really came around. Now they really make an effort to include my husband and get to know him and really treat him like a son. They even introduced him to all of their friends and family and brag about him to all the time, to everyone. On the other hand, his family, while always really nice and accepting, never really makes an effort to talk to me or get to know me. I think it's because our cultures place such an importance on the families in the relationship. But I still can't help but compare our situations and feel sad. They treat his brother's white girlfriend very differently, always joking around with her and even texting her. They're very sweet to me, but they just don't make an effort to establish a better relationship with me. If they want to know anything, they will just text my husband instead of directly asking me. They made a huge effort during our Indian wedding. They got Indian outfits and were very accepting of my culture, but I think they just don't feel very comfortable with me personally yet. Family is very important to both of us and he's very close to his family. Any advice on how to improve my relationship with his family?

Speaker 1: 3:20

Obviously, everyone's relationship with their in-laws is different. I actually asked my mother-in-law for her input on this question because, I mean, she's white too. So I was like, let's get your perspective. These are just our thoughts. I jotted down some of the things she said, so I'll share that as well. But I think it is important to keep in mind that everyone's in-law relationships are always complicated and tricky, especially when there's female dynamics involved, because we just live in a world where women are taught to see each other as competition. I feel like that is always something that can complicate things. Of course, if you have a mom of, especially two boys I'm married to someone whose mom has two sons and it can be a tricky dynamic to navigate and I think anyone's knee-jerk reaction is always to kind of go on the defensive. But I'm going to try to give you both somewhat perspectives and I think the biggest thing is cultural differences.

Speaker 1: 4:25

Like you said in your question, we as South Asians put so much on family, and While other cultures probably also put a lot of value and importance on family, I think the one thing to keep in mind is South Asians put value on family, but with no boundaries, zero boundaries. We're just like up in each other's business all the time. We're constantly up each other's ass. My parents wouldn't know a boundary if it slapped them in the face. They just don't care. And also, I think sometimes managing our own expectations and remembering that it takes time so those are kind of like the big takeaways is like those are the big things.

Speaker 1: 5:08

But we're going to go more into this here. First things first, you're allowed to be sad about the dynamics you thought you would have versus what you might be having, because we all have expectations of like what our life would look like or could look like with all these new people in our lives. And I think it takes time, like we're only 27. I imagine you've only been married for a little while and in our relationships do not build overnight, especially not when you are married to someone from a different culture and I think even within, like if you married someone white, like there's different variations of that.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Like I have an Italian mother-in-law and let me tell you Italian people, brown people, the same obsessed with their children, especially their sons, obsessed with their culture and their food and their language and their religion, and that's how she grew up. She is much more just like American at this point, but like her, like family is from Italy, so like there's even a difference in dynamics when I look at her family versus her husband's family, my father-in-law's family, who is Ukrainian, very prim and proper, very much. You know, things are always on time, people are always dressed nicely, everyone's very polite, we've got our pleasing thank yous and it's very like tailored in for lack of a better phrase like, very like neat and tidy, whereas like the other side is a little bit messier, a little louder, a little more like come as you will, you know, everyone's just all up in that. And so even within two parents who are white, like there's very different cultures happening there and you see it in the difference in their families and their in laws, like their relationship. The in laws are very separate, like we're either on one side of the family or we're on the other, like there's very little overlap, like if that makes sense. Like if we're going to Mike's mom's side of the family we're just with them, like they didn't invite. Like Mike's dad's side of the family Does that make sense. Like there is like a very like clear distinction and boundaries.

Speaker 1: 7:26

And like white people in general, I also feel like view family differently. Like if you asked my husband, he would be like I don't even know who my second cousins are and I don't consider them family, like that. And he'll just straight up say that and I'm like what? Like in my brain that doesn't even make sense, because in my brain cousins are like siblings, second cousins are your real cousins, and then there's everybody else who is also like just there and you can't really figure out how to connect everyone. But they're all there. You know we're just in everyone's business all the time. So just like very different ideas of family and sometimes I think the distinction in like boundaries between families is a lot starker, especially like white families. Like Even like I think about when I got married, like I've never met one of Michael's uncles, so like my mother-in-law's brother lives in another state, been with Michael for eight years.

Speaker 1: 8:29

I've never met him, didn't come to our wedding, you know, didn't? I don't think I've ever talked to him and it's nothing personally, like, like truly. It was just like, oh, he lives far away and he's not gonna travel for the wedding. And in my brain initially I was like what? Like what does he not like us? I guess? Does he have a problem with us? Like whatever. And Literally my mother was like no, he's just not gonna get on a plane and come.

Speaker 1: 8:51

And I'm like brown people would cross oceans to go to a wedding and if they didn't, your family would hold a grudge against them for the rest of eternity. What do you mean? He's not gonna come. And then I was just like, oh, I guess she was like it's really not a big deal, like he's just not gonna get on a plane and come, like okay, alright, like white people will literally not go to weddings for no reason. They'll just be like, oh yeah, I just I'm not gonna go. And I'm like what do you mean? You're what? I've literally heard white people say that like they'll be invited to a wedding and, without any reason, will be like we're just not gonna go. I'm like what do you mean? I don't understand. Brown people would bend the world in half to attend a wedding if they could. Again, just cultural differences. And I think it's just realizing like it's not a personal thing. They'll just be like, oh, I just, I just don't want to go and I'm like, oh, that's weird to me, whereas I get a wedding invite and I'm like the priority is to go to the wedding.

Speaker 1: 9:43

So I think, even just like the way we look at family is so different and sometimes we have to keep it in mind. I think in the situation with our in-laws Especially like mother-in-law, as I feel like that's always the, the primary relationship like I'm very close to my mother-in-law and I love my father-in-law and he would do anything for me, but like me and my father-in-law aren't like going out to brunch together, just me and him. You know, like we chit, chat, like we're very cordial and like you know, ask him questions or if I have a problem I'll go to him, but like the person I am Closest to you could say is my mother-in-law, whereas we're like like I go shopping with her, we go to brunch together, we'll go to the movies, and like it'll just be me and her, um, and my husband does have a twin brother who is single, so I guess I don't have another daughter-in-law to compare to. But what my mother-in-law said was, I think the question could be if the person asking this question is very close to their own family, then maybe her in-laws feel like they Don't want to overstep, like they might feel like, well, she's you know, she spends a lot of time with her mom and dad. She's really close to them. You know, I don't feel the need to Be overly involved in their life and I think sometimes also like I've even heard white people just be like you know, it's really none of our business, like they're married now, like this is their life. It's not like my job to like go in and intervene or tell them what to do, like it's a very Individualistic mindset, so I don't even know that it would be anything personal. I think where it can definitely feel personal is in this situation. It seems like they Are a bit closer to the white girlfriend of your brother-in-law Versus you, who are now like you're now his wife, right, um?

Speaker 1: 11:41

And I think sometimes if, especially if this situation is happening like right after the wedding, what I find or what I noticed was like when you have that big Indian wedding, it's the first time they realize like, oh, you're like very different from us, like it's really easy to just blend in to American culture, especially if you grew up here. Like I, like my family, my in-laws though I get along with everybody we like enjoy the same things, we follow a lot of the same pop culture. Like they know a lot of the references I make, you know, and obviously with the Indian stuff they don't, but, like you know, they're happy to like Try to participate. But the wedding really throws it in your face, like, while your in-laws are probably really happy to participate and willing to Try their best to like go with the flow and like try to understand what's going on, even though they don't, and then it really throws in their face like, oh, we're different, like this girl is different. And that initial shock might also be where, like, they might feel a little hesitant, where it can just be like I don't, I don't know how to culturally approach this Like. And we also live in a time where sometimes I think, depending on your relationship with your in-laws, some people feel like they're gonna get in trouble If they say the wrong thing, if they do the wrong thing, they ask the question the wrong way, that they're gonna offend someone and they're gonna make someone upset and it's almost like that they get like almost frozen and like I don't know how to.

Speaker 1: 13:20

So I think the best thing you can do is, like you know, like put, I guess, make the effort on your end and try to make plans with your in-laws or like and do it in small groups, like literally it can just be like you, your mother-in-law and your brother-in-law's girlfriend, Like the three girls, cause I think I always say, like girls are, we're the social glue, we're the social bonds, we're the ones building connections, like the guys just like exist and do what we say. Like my brother, not my brother, my husband has no idea, like what our plans are, because I made the plans Okay, even the plans to hang out with his friends I made. Let's be real, sometimes he makes his own plans. I don't know, but most of like the relationship building is literally like me hanging out with my mother-in-law and so sometimes, like it can feel a little weird and awkward and she might not know how to approach it. So maybe just be like hey, do you wanna like grab coffee or grab brunch, just the two of you invite the girlfriend If she's like very much involved in the family as well.

Speaker 1: 14:25

Girlfriends are always complicated, especially with families we don't know. Like for me, I was pretty much like brought right into Michael's family and invited to everything, but I didn't really go to like holidays and stuff until we were married. But once we were married, like I was at everything every Easter brunch and Christmas dinner and Thanksgiving, whatever, and vacation here, like all of it. But I've been married for five years. These things all take time. It will not happen overnight and that's important to remember. Like no one's relationship with anyone happened overnight.

Speaker 1: 14:59

And it can be hard because you obviously have this girlfriend who gets texts from your in-laws and they're joking around and like they might just feel a little more comfortable, especially if we're still struggling with the initial shock of like oh, she's different and I don't know how to approach her. But then, like you got this like white girl next to you who would probably just like I don't know it's pretty like not that she's less approachable, but just they feel like culturally is safer, if that makes sense and I know that's like the wrong way to make say it and probably sounds like I'm apologizing for white people, but like that's probably what it is. It's like, oh yeah, like I know what she likes. Your mother-in-law probably looks at her and is like you know she probably likes like wears Uggs and like goes to Lulemon and watch the Barbie movie. Like pretty standard, like stereotypical, indeed, white people things. I could be wrong. Maybe she's not like that.

Speaker 1: 15:57

And so if you kind of like you know, you shoot your in-laws a text or you ask them to hang out, and I think also remember like you don't have to be close to everybody, like I say I'm close to my mother-in-law and I'm like close to my father-in-law, but he's just like, he's just a dad, you know, like we're never gonna be like let's go shopping together, but then I'm not like super close with my brother-in-law, like we get along, you know, and I can have a conversation with him, but like we don't like hang out. You know what I mean. Like unless it's a group activity. And then there's members of Michael's extended family, some of whom, because Michael is so close to them, I'm super close to them. They're a little closer to our age, we hang out and it's like a straight up cousin fast, even though they're not cousins, I think, I don't even know. But it's also difficult because he's so much younger than the rest of his family because his mom had her kids in her 40s, so there's a big age gap difference. But there's parts of his family that we're super close. We go on vacation, so we hang out, we go to the bar it's a riot. And then there's parts of his family where, like it's very cordial and we see them for holidays and we send a Christmas card, and they send us a birthday card and like it's very civil, but not a whole lot beyond that. So I think it's also just like there's going to be people that you are closer to and some people you're less close to and you can kind of decide how you want to play that and that.

Speaker 1: 17:29

A lot of things aren't personal. And here's the thing if she does like there is a chance. Maybe your in-laws are struggling with some of their own internal issues and struggling with understanding, like you I guess. I don't know, it's not, I don't want it to make it seem personal, but if it is, you can just ask them. Like maybe you just maybe you are reading it right. I think our gut instinct is also something important to keep in mind. If you like feel like, oh, they have an issue with you or something, like you can ask them or you can ask your husband, like your husband can also talk to his parents.

Speaker 1: 18:05

I think the biggest in-law boundary or line is, like when there's problems, especially like Michael deals with his parents and I deal with mine. I'm not making Michael talk to my parents about something he has an issue with. I am only just getting to a point where, like I will talk to my in-laws if I have an issue with anything but it was it's mostly Michael but Michael also married someone who is as straight shooting as his mom is. So actually part of why we get along is like me and Michelle are both very like straight to your face, no bullshit, we're just gonna say it. So, like if I have something I disagree with my mother in law, like I'll just tell her and then she'll tell me her thoughts. But we always keep in mind that nothing is personal and we still love each other at the end.

Speaker 1: 18:52

So I think there's a different dynamic there of like learning how to have disagreements and then just like letting it go and getting over it Because we do like straight up, like we have had our fair share of disagreements and she's you know, we're still very close and I wouldn't say I have anything against her, but that took a while. Like when we first got married, I always thought like if they said something that made me upset, or if someone in his family, like did something that was like maybe hurtful or offensive, like that I was supposed to take it so personally and it's like they didn't fucking think about it and if you talk about it to them, about it, they'll talk about it and then we'll just move on. And then learning to just like truly let things go and not hold on to them was like a big step. So that is something to consider is just have your husband talk to his parents and, at the same time, making your own effort to like try to make plans with one or two people at a time and just over time it will happen and they'll kind of ease back into it. You'll ease into it.

Speaker 1: 19:55

And also, just I think sometimes it's also like the weird lines people draw among families. Like my mother-in-law said, she's like she's probably just not sure like if, like the view, the person who asked this question is super close to their own mom, like your mother-in-law might feel like she doesn't want to overstep her, feel like you know she needs to be as involved in your life, is like, oh, she has her own family, she has her own life there and I don't want to, like you know, get, try to like bring a wedge in there. And then sometimes it's the other way of trying to make everyone fit together which I have done where, like, I will make plans with my mom, my mother-in-law and me, and my mother-in-law is always trying to do that stuff, she loves it. She's like, oh, we should go to brunch, we should go here. I'm like my mom like doesn't leave the house, michelle, but you could try.

Speaker 1: 20:50

Literally the only times I've managed to get my mother to show up to any of these things is me literally going and picking her up and driving her to whatever it was we did, and that's just how it goes, because my parents are weird and don't like do stuff, especially my mom. And so I have the opposite problem where, like, I'm not super close to my parents and they're not really, they don't really make a ton of effort. Like, yes, they treat Michael and even his brother like they worship the ground they walk on. But then, like they have never, like, unless we invite them over to like we're having a poll party, we're having Thanksgiving, we're having whatever, and we invite my parents along with, like my aunts and uncles and cousins, they will come, but my parents have never once come over to Just hang out with my in-laws. They've invited them over.

Speaker 1: 21:43

Like my parents will be like, oh, bring your in-laws, bring your brother-in-law, bring Michael. Like come have dinner. But they will never come over Over. You know, like they won't leave their house to go to my in-laws if that makes sense. And that's super annoying and it's super frustrating because I'm like we've been married for five years and you live down the road, it's not that hard. Like they'll pop by and like drop off some mangoes or like do all these snacks or whatever, but like they're not like Clothes and my parents, like don't really make an effort to try to like spend time With my in-laws outside of their own comfort zone, which is their house. So all these things go in multiple directions and everyone has their stuff and Maybe you know what, like I know Sometimes, sometimes you don't want to be super close to everybody.

Speaker 1: 22:34

Like sometimes you can't just have a cordial relationship to right like I Don't know. I like I said, I'm very close to my mother-in-law, but that does come with the territory of like. We can Willingly disagree on things or like have a tiff and get over it. But if you're not someone who knew that you might not want a super close relationship with your in-laws because Over time you will have disagreements, you might have things you see differently on or what, whatever, whatever it could be like the most minor stupid shit. So some people prefer not having very close in-law relationships. I also have, like my friends who are not brown, like a lot of them like they. They have like very like different ways of going about in-laws. Like some of them like don't really spend time with their boyfriend or Partners, significant others, family until they're engaged, or like they won't introduce their parents to each other or until they're married or Whatever like there's a lot of cultural Aspects to in-laws and the way families work and families work in a billion different ways and it's just a matter of kind of like finding your way.

Speaker 1: 23:53

Like I Always find the best way to get people to get along is like activities. I'm a big activity girly like, and Luckily so is my mother-in-law. So it works out for us. But even when we're trying to like meet people like my, my aunts and uncles, my mom, like whenever we have them over, my mother-in-law's Immediate reaction is like, oh, we should do an activity like should we get board games? Should we? Should we like me?

Speaker 1: 24:20

We went to tea for for Mother's Day one year. Like my mother-in-law had to literally explain to my aunts and my mom like High tea, like going to a tea house and getting a tea service and like Finger sandwiches and she's like you know they fine. And my, my aunts were just like what? And it was, it was fine. My cousins came. We forced everyone in the same room and truly like forcing everyone in the same room. If you really want like to be that kind of family where everyone is like Comfortable around each other. Cultural differences are not like it's a matter of forcing everyone together. So it might just be like, hey, let's go to like paint and sip, or let's go see this movie, or let's go to whatever activity you two might have in common, and it might be paint and sip, it might be what's that thing people do? It's like wooden crafts, like board and brush, I think, where you can build. Like you know, live, laugh, love. Wooden signs to put in your house or whatever Activities are a great way to like occupy people and Casually have a conversation and like that might be a way to start.

Speaker 1: 25:26

I Hope this episode was helpful. I'm not sure if I made a point. I did take some notes. Yeah, I think that's all I have. I think everyone's relationship is different and it's hard to give advice because you don't really know, like you know, all of the dynamics and all the past history of these people, and so I think this is the best I got, and Thanks to my mother-in-law for participating today and throwing in her insight, and I hope this was helpful.

Speaker 1: 26:02

I try to keep things positive, like I don't like to immediately go on the defensive of like Start a fight, like no, I don't. I try to make this as Kind of neutral and representative of all parties as much as I can. So hopefully that's what I did. Obviously, this is just my opinion. It's not really advice because I Try to not give it, even though I have a submission box. So I don't know I need to take my own damn advice.

Speaker 1: 26:27

All right, thanks for tuning in.

Speaker 1: 26:29

If you guys have something you'd like to submit in the anonymous submission box.

Speaker 1: 26:33

It is linked down in the show notes at all times. Just click it. It does not collect any of your information besides like what you want to drop in there. It could be a question, a scenario, a suggestion, whatever. And then how old you are, and anyone mentioned, if it's a scenario like in this one, she mentioned that her and her husband are both 27, just so we have a general age range of who we're talking to. But yeah, thanks for tuning in guys. I'll see you guys next time. Bye. Thanks so much for tuning in guys. Make sure, if you enjoyed this episode, you leave us a review on iTunes.

Speaker 1: 27:04

You can find the show on all major streaming platforms. You can find me on Instagram at Disha dot Mazeppa. You can shop my Etsy shop, disha Mazeppa designs. Find out everything you want to know about this show at Disha Mazeppa Dot com and if you or someone you know would like to be a guest, you can email BWWPS podcast at gmailcom. And I'll see you guys next time. Bye. This podcast is hosted and produced by Disha Mazeppa. Music for the show was created by Craigswell.