As we continue into Season 5, I am so thankful that Mike Betts has introduced our next fantastic guest, Dr. Michelle Watson-Canfield. Dr. Michelle is the author of two books & a wonderful blog. She is also a speaker and therapist doing incredible work for dads worldwide! Lastly, Dr. Michelle hosts the Dad Whisperer Podcast, named "Best New Podcast" in 2023 by Spark Media.
Embracing the pivotal role of fathers and celebrating the extraordinary women who shape their journeys, this season of the Quarterback Dadcast features the inspiring Dr. Michelle Watson-Canfield. Her expertise in father-daughter relationships and her creation of The ABBA Project have been instrumental in guiding dads to new depths of connection. Alongside her, Ken Canfield's contributions to the National Center for Fathering come into focus, offering a holistic family experience that's both moving and transformative.
Throughout the series, we tackle fathers' hesitations and challenges when bonding with their daughters and how these barriers can be overcome with presence, engagement, and heartfelt affirmations. From the nuances of eye contact to the significance of father-daughter dates, the episodes are packed with personal stories and practical advice to navigate the emotional landscape with your daughter. This isn't just another parenting guide; it's a heartfelt exploration of the father-daughter dynamic, with a treasure of insights and strategies to enhance this special bond.
As we wrap up the episode, we reflect on the profound impact a father's engagement can have on his children's lives and the subsequent ripple effect on the broader family dynamic. Lastly, Dr. Michelle reminds us to take action and drop our ego & anger, and it is never too late to make an impact on our families.
Please don't forget to leave us a review wherever you consume your podcasts! Please help us get more dads to listen weekly and become the ultimate leader of their homes!
As we continue into Season 5, I am so thankful that Mike Betts has introduced our next fantastic guest, Dr. Michelle Watson-Canfield. Dr. Michelle is the author of two books & a wonderful blog. She is also a speaker and therapist doing incredible work for dads worldwide! Lastly, Dr. Michelle hosts the Dad Whisperer Podcast, named "Best New Podcast" in 2023 by Spark Media.
Embracing the pivotal role of fathers and celebrating the extraordinary women who shape their journeys, this season of the Quarterback Dadcast features the inspiring Dr. Michelle Watson-Canfield. Her expertise in father-daughter relationships and her creation of The ABBA Project have been instrumental in guiding dads to new depths of connection. Alongside her, Ken Canfield's contributions to the National Center for Fathering come into focus, offering a holistic family experience that's both moving and transformative.
Throughout the series, we tackle fathers' hesitations and challenges when bonding with their daughters and how these barriers can be overcome with presence, engagement, and heartfelt affirmations. From the nuances of eye contact to the significance of father-daughter dates, the episodes are packed with personal stories and practical advice to navigate the emotional landscape with your daughter. This isn't just another parenting guide; it's a heartfelt exploration of the father-daughter dynamic, with a treasure of insights and strategies to enhance this special bond.
As we wrap up the episode, we reflect on the profound impact a father's engagement can have on his children's lives and the subsequent ripple effect on the broader family dynamic. Lastly, Dr. Michelle reminds us to take action and drop our ego & anger, and it is never too late to make an impact on our families.
Please don't forget to leave us a review wherever you consume your podcasts! Please help us get more dads to listen weekly and become the ultimate leader of their homes!
Hi, I'm Riley and I'm Ryder and this is my dad's show. Hey everybody, it's Casey Jacobs with the quarterback dad cast, and welcome to season 5. And before we get to today's episode and a quick message, I wanted to say thank you so much to Assam and team up at Latitude Sitka or Latitude 57. You guys have been just a fantastic partner. I want to say thank you so much for your sponsorship, your support and ways to spread the message to other dads out there how we're trying to improve the leadership skills in the homes of many families across the world. With that said, I want to let you know there's going to be some new sponsors being added to the podcast, and I also wanted to highlight what's going to happen in the month of February, which is the first ever women to join the quarterback dad cast. Everybody yes, you heard that right, you're going to have the very first women ever to join me on my show. For the next four weeks. You're going to hear from some fantastic women supporting dads and you're going to learn about some perspective, but, more importantly, you're going to be educated, and I want to say I'm so excited for these women who are going to be coming on. So with that, let's get right to today's episode. Well, hey everybody, it's Casey Jacobs with the quarterback dad cast. We're in season 5. We are recording in January. This episode will be one that I'm very, very excited about. It's coming out in February and February, as you have heard me say, is all about women. First time in season 5, the first time in the history of the quarterback dad cast, we're going to have women on the show and I could not be more grateful for my dear friend Michael Betts out of the great state of Oregon.
Speaker 1:But what my mind was, I didn't mean I guess it wasn't closed, I just was always. Everybody who knows who's listening to the podcast. It's always about I'm going to interview dads and serve dads, but what you're going to find everybody as our guests over this month are fantastic women who are serving us dads. So, with that said, I'm excited to bring on Dr Michelle Watson Canfield. She is an author of two fantastic books. She hosts a podcast called the dad whisperer podcast, where she won best podcast for men by spark media in 2023. Shout out to her and her team. She also runs the ABBA project we're going to learn about that and her husband, ken, is also the president of the National Center for fathering. So we'll learn about that. But more importantly, we're going to hear all about Dr Michelle Watson, how she's Sir can't feel how she's serving dads and how fatherhood has been her calling her hood to serve us. So it's a further ado Dr Michelle Watson can't feel welcome to the quarterback dad cast.
Speaker 2:Woohoo, thanks, casey. I'm so excited to be here with you. We're finally doing it.
Speaker 1:I know, I know, listen, we, we've talked about what you're in a half ago and I was like I don't know, if it makes sense, yeah. And now I'm like why didn't I do this earlier? So I apologize to us dads for like not giving everybody your, your, your talents, what you're going to give us to you over the next hour.
Speaker 1:So I'm grateful. Um, okay, so we always start each episode with gratitude. So tell me, what are you most grateful for? Two part question what are you most grateful for? And then, what are you most grateful for to serve dads?
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, I am. My gratitude list is so long, starting out this year already, but I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for for people in my life who love me, flaws and all I. I'm grateful that I have purpose in my life. A lot of it is centered around dads of daughters. Sometimes I'm blown away that people would listen to me. It's so humbling. I mean, at the end of the day, we're all doing the best we can, but the fact that men would ever turn their ear to listen and ask for help when they don't maybe know where to go to ask for directions. I'm so grateful, beyond grateful, that I'm now in my 14th year this month of investing in dads and I'm I'm very, very grateful for that privilege and honor because I've had men say we don't like women shouting at us and we don't know how you do it. But somehow Michelle yo whisper and I say that's exactly it. I want you to get full credit. You don't even have to say where you got the ideas you know love that.
Speaker 1:Well, you actually just made me think of one of my best pieces of advice someone gave me, which they said Casey, do you want to be right or do you want to get what you want? And I was like I don't want to get what I want, I don't want to be right and that's you, just for exhibit A. You said, dad, you, you're, you get the credit. I don't care about being right. So I love you. Said that I'm grateful for this journey of podcasting and I'm grateful for the.
Speaker 1:I definitely feel like I found my calling. I have a. I knew I wanted to start a podcast. You know, five years ago I knew I wanted to write a book, but I'd never thought I would be into coaching and speaking and I'm so grateful for it. I just like, I get goosebumps when I talk about it because I'm, I get to spend time with my family, I get to work from home, I get to travel a little bit and get to go and share stories to help people think differently and unlock, maybe, where they're stuck.
Speaker 1:And just like, as you as you probably couldn't relate to this, it's I'm not making this stuff up when I go speak with people, I'm, I'm sharing stories of my own failure or my own struggle or my own university or you know where you. I've had to learn grit and resilience and and it just it's fun to teach and share those things. So I'm very, very, very, very grateful. And my kids they get to see dad hustle during the day, when, when they're, when they're home, they see the office door closed. They see dad when he's going to tell you know, and I tell him I'm about to go practice for a keynote that I've maybe given 15 times. I'm still going to practice every time I do it. So I'm grateful for that because it's it's like pinch me moments every morning when I wake up.
Speaker 2:That's so cool. Honestly, even in my my day job, right Is is being a a counselor, a licensed professional counselor now for 28 years. I love it more now, casey, than when I started. I mean being able to be invited into people's sacred space, which is vulnerable and messy and hard and beautiful all at the same time, and they would trust me to know them that intimately is that's holy ground for me, man, and it's the same with the podcast. I picture, you know, the people that I've met and the dads I've walked alongside and like they've invited me into their living space to to have that time with them. And yet I, I totally am with you on what a privilege that is, beyond what I think either one of us you are. I could have imagined ever being part of our calling and I'm passionate, like you are, about calling.
Speaker 1:Tell me why. Why do you think you're more passionate now than you were Years ago?
Speaker 2:I think, because I've seen things get harder and harder and harder in our culture, for for people, I think the, I think the messes have always been there, but now I have so much more history of seeing the redemption side of the mess, the healed side of the mess where people pursue wholeness, and I always say my goal is to work myself out of a job Right. And now, you know, as as recent as 24 hours ago, I'm on a zoom call coaching a dad and a daughter in California and it's really messy and I have this dad actually say you know, I read your, read your books I really liked my favorite statement is where you said men would rather do nothing than do it wrong, and I'm like he actually remembered what I wrote off the top of his head and his daughter, who's 20, is listening to him and he said I never knew where to go to to learn what I didn't know.
Speaker 2:And now, here we are with you. He said that's not an excuse, but I tend to go passive, he said. That tends to be my default. And so we're here now with you and we need your help. And I'm like me, I'm the one he invited in here. How can I not have optimism, hope and I would really even say joy, because I already know at the start this is going to end well, because it's a dad leading with vulnerability, with honesty, without pride. He's leading with humility and his daughter gets to hear him say that, like I want to learn, and I'm who gets the privilege of knowing them, which enriches my life. Right, it's a two way street. I'm richer for knowing them, I'm honored that a dad would take the initiative to get help and to learn. And now, anyway, that's a lot of words to explain why I'm more loving this even now than when I started.
Speaker 1:So good. Well, that quote. I want to dive into that because I think and you said one of my favorite words, which is vulnerability. I used to get people you worked at K-Force, some of my colleagues this is back in mid, I'd say never around 2010. For some reason, I heard the word vulnerability and I really leaned into it because I, I'm, I've found the benefit of not you know, you don't have to know everything.
Speaker 1:I think being in throughout my life, being coached hard, whether it's in sports or early my business career, and just it's such a freeing feeling knowing that you don't have to be perfect and we all mess up and we all are don't part of my friends, have our shit together, but I think the quick the trick is is getting, when you get off that, that right mindset.
Speaker 1:How do you get back on track quickly so that you and like perfect. Example, yesterday we have this ice storm in Seattle and I was like it was a lighter day for me and then I got crazy busy and all of a sudden we got ice and I live in the bottom of this like steep hill and I just felt like this anxiety come over me. I'm like, and then all of a sudden I was like maybe short with my wife, short with my kids, like dad's going to get this going? And I'm like, wait a minute, this is not who I want to be. And I just said hey guys, I'm sorry Dad's being a dipshit right now, cool, and you know, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to take a little break here and I I'm going to get myself right, take deep breath. And I was back and I really amazing well, I, but it's freeing, it's free.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes like, oh, I have this dad pocket. I struggle just like every other dad out there. I Selfishly don't tell anybody, but I guess I'm telling everybody now. Sarcasm I get free therapy ever out of every episode everybody. So now I do. I record them, but I get a listen to them so I get double the therapy.
Speaker 2:But this is also Casey why men are listening to you? Because you're leading by example. I appreciate that you're saying I don't have it together, but I'm willing to admit when I've blown it with my, my kids or my wife, and then I take a timeout for myself.
Speaker 2:I get, I get my, my feet on the ground again and then I come back out for for air to you know, after I've got my breath, to come back into relationship with them. I mean, that's why men follow you, because you're not perfect but you're willing to admit when you're wrong, you're willing to make amends and then the relationship is restored again. I think we need more men like you, leading like that.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that. Well, one of my mentors at the end of my corporate career was a guy named John Kaplan and he works at a company called force management. So shout out to force management, give you some love here on the podcast. But he he had this quote, these he said. He told us when we were teaching this, like sales methodology, he said it's okay not to, it's okay not to know every answer, it's just not okay not to do anything about it. And when he said that mad, hit me right in the heart. I was like what gold? Because John was a massively successful dude, yet he was so humble and that was one of the things that drove me.
Speaker 1:It and to my, my k-first journey was my when my CEO would say man case, you had a better year than you did this last year. That you did. I mean better year this year than you did last year, but you're more humble. I don't get it. And that that drove me because I never wanted that to go away. Hmm, that's what drove me.
Speaker 1:So I just I hope that dads are realizing that, whether you're a bus driver, a forklift driver, an executive, and they give you advice and it will a secret, your kids don't give two shits what we do. We think we do because our male egos get in the way, but in the end it's like what they want is can they get me to practice on time? Can I go spend the night at Johnny's house? Can we go get ice cream, hey? Can I watch the cooking show? Hey, dad, can I make brownies? And I think that when I I'm and again one man's opinion not saying I'm right, but but almost 48 years on on life on earth, those are what to me, is what's important. And I think when we can remove our ego as dads and I've done multiple episodes on vulnerability and I love that you said that. So back to your quote, men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. So did where? Did maybe tell me where that came from? For you that?
Speaker 2:Speak to dads the way I say it, as I've been flying from my planet Venus to your planet of Mars now for 14 years and I've actually learned a bit of Martian along the way. I call myself bilingual now you know I speak Martian and Venetian, so that has been one of my observations on Mars as I was leading these groups for dad that dads that started in January 2010 Called the ABBA project. You mentioned that in the intro. Abba meaning daddy and era, mayek and men love a project, so it was a nine month group, september to May. I called it language school. You guys are learning to speak your daughter's language.
Speaker 2:So just the dads meet 12 every year, once a month, and then we do a different topic and Then they would do a dad daughter date in between. Right to to flesh out that topic, whether it's on Body image or guys or personalities. I want dads to lead. I want to equip men to lead instead of dads. You know, kind of punting to the coach, the tutor, the mentor, the counselor, the youth pastor whoever it is, I'm like.
Speaker 2:No, the research shows, every area of your daughter's life will be better if she feels connected to you. So at the end of the day, that's my goal is to equip dads to lead, and, and so part of my observation then on Mars is that when men already size themselves up because you're smart enough to go you know, I'm not all that Really skilled with words or I'm not skilled with emotional Sensitivity I'm gonna punt to my wife, I'm gonna hand off to her, or to my ex-wife or to someone else, because I'm smart enough to know I'm making it worse. And I'm like that's where that phrase came from. I'm like why do I keep seeing this, as men would would rather do nothing on the front end than do it wrong, because they don't want to risk failure or, like you said, vulnerability.
Speaker 2:But that's where I come alongside, say but you get that doing nothing is Doing it wrong. And they go, yeah, pretty much Also fully aware of that. But I know you want to do it right. I know that I've walked with enough of you to see, at the end of the day, your heart is in a place where you want to do it right. And I said that's where I come in. So if you want to come learn, let's walk along Alongside each other and in in the groups that I've led, with these guys alongside each other. What I've loved, casey, is the diversity in the group.
Speaker 2:I mean it is every shape or Form of dads you can imagine. I I'll have a. A paint store owner Excuse me, worker, not owner a paint store guy who's? I'll even have this in. Who's? An atheist sitting alongside a pastor? Sitting alongside the guy from Buenos Aires who goes Casey guys didn't know, like I'm actually a millionaire With hair everywhere, who he's on his own journey over here. And then you've got the guy sitting next to him. No lie, who's kind of tightly wound, is it, you know, buttoned up shirt From Intel, because this was Portland, so I had lots of Nike Intel guys. Who? Who's sitting there that has a transgender daughter who won't talk to him, and then you, next to the guy who designed shoes at Nike and and also is high, you know, has a strong walk with God.
Speaker 2:This is the group I Mean. It couldn't be perfect match, more colorful. And I am a kid in a candy store because I, I love that. It's that mixed and that diverse and that Complex. And I watch at the end of the day where I've asked him why do you guys keep doing this? Like? This is a really different group than you've probably ever been in, because it's not held here, there or elsewhere, right, it's a very unique group.
Speaker 2:You know what they say every single year. Well, we, I remember the first year they all kind of sat there awkwardly. Why do we do this? And finally one of them goes Well, because we love our daughters. And then they all go. Yeah, what he said. That's why we sit here this uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm with guys we don't know, but by the end they are bonded, they are connected because they have that common desire To get it right, to learn to love their individual daughters, who throw them curveballs all the time, who are hard to figure out. But I love that. You said, dad, you don't have to be perfect. But I'll add, you just have to be present, you've got to show up.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:It doesn't even matter flaws and all, because you're like you just said, and I underscore, that your daughter's not gonna remember, at the end of the day, more as much that you did wrong. She'll remember the things you did right and by showing up in her world and affirming her and valuing her. And that's why, in my two books, I'm really all about breaking it down for dads. Mm-hmm, did you actually know that when you look her in the eyes which is opposite of what the research shows that men love shoulder to shoulder orientation hey, let's just look forward and we're watching the same game and hey, we're bonding. It didn't matter that we talk and women are like I actually don't know that you're listening if I can't see your eyes.
Speaker 2:Yes, and men are like we don't do that on Mars. I'm like, I know, but we do on Venus. You've got to look at her. And they're like okay, it's really uncomfortable for me, but I'm going to do it for one minute longer than I did last week. And so those practical things men are where I roll in my books, in the blogs I write every other Friday, Dad, daughter Friday blog doing that, done that, now 10 years. And I do the podcast and I have free resources on my website. And it's all about giving men no excuse to say I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I'm like, well, I gave you the words, I put them in front of you, follow my lead and then, guess what, If your daughter says it sucks, blame me, I'm your fall guy. There's no downside.
Speaker 2:You're a winner either way.
Speaker 1:Well, I will make sure everything that you have written and doing your podcast it's going to be linked in the show notes everybody, so you can make sure you can follow Dr Michelle. But before we dive into some of your work, I want to rewind the tape and I want to go back to like what was like for you growing up and talk about the impact that your dad had on you.
Speaker 2:So I'm the oldest of four girls. I was born in Oakland, california, so my parents had met at the Presidio, they were in the Army, my mom was my dad's boss, and when I was 10, we moved up to Portland, oregon, and so I'm a West Coast girl most of my life, until the last couple of years. Now I live in Arkansas. I call it Arkansas, and you know you're from Seattle.
Speaker 2:You and I both know well the Pacific Northwest vibe. It is 180 degrees different here in the South. I mean, I'm talking, we all know. Hey, it's my space, don't really look me in the eyes. We're cool, you know. And here, the first week I moved here, a neighbor knocked on my door and I go oh, where do you live? She walks right past me into my house to point through a window to show me where she lives. I'm like, who does this?
Speaker 2:It's just a warm kind of we're all in it together space and it's so different I'm still getting used to it. I'm not going to lie. But anyways, back to most of my life, west Coast. And so I'm 63. So it means 61 years. Over six decades I was all the West Coast, you know, and five decades in Portland.
Speaker 2:So, having said that, the oldest of four girls, so my dad, let's even go back farther. He was raised in Chicago on the South side. Poverty, like you you can't even imagine. Seven kids, six brothers, one sister, three different last names among the kids. And the last time my dad ever saw his dad, who was an alcoholic, was when his mom put a hot iron to his drunk dad's face. That's the last time he ever saw his dad in their home. He does remember with a brother like being on a public bus and his dad was in the back, drunk. Oh boys, you know. And so you add in the fact that really, no parent, no fathering, I mean he, he like in high school he would leave for the weekend, nobody even cared that he was gone, you know, like it was just kind of chaotic, disengaged, disconnected, you know. And he, he was in the rodeo. So here he is, you know, learning how to ride horses with a friend's dad on their property.
Speaker 1:He's right back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my dad's riding a bear back in the rodeo.
Speaker 2:You know, whatever he could do, he was in gangs from the time he was 12 because it was survival of the fittest, you know. So you've got kind of this whole huge void of any father template, right. You just are kind of trying to figure it out on the fly. Well then, here I am. You know, my parents didn't know I was part of their wedding. You know, oldest daughter pregnant with me don't know it, and my mom has an equal amount of trauma on her side. So her father was, was a pedophile and yet he got my mom's dad and I've written about this. So it's not like, you know, big surprise here, but my mom's dad got my grandma pregnant and I that's the language that I get, I get that's packed like what do you mean? Got her pregnant? It was two people. No, I know, but still I'm using that language. Anyway, back in the day this was in the 30s and she got married in a black wedding dress, my grandma and he wouldn't walk his oldest daughter down the aisle because someone had seen she and her fiance come out of a hotel room and they never had a kid for two years. But he walks my mom, the second born down in her stomach and no one knows. I mean, are you getting a picture of the fact that neither of my parents had a clue, had a parent? They didn't get much handed to them that was positive or anything they would want much to emulate, and so kind of. That's where I then come into the story. So here's my dad. He didn't have a clue how to father, and so, long story short, kind of trying to move this along. But I'm giving that back story to say dad's, it doesn't matter the hand we were dealt, it's what we do with it now. And so my dad did a lot wrong. In fact I even wrote my second book. Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters, 60 ways that dads can let his daughter pick the topic and he can lead. And I only realized this after I wrote it. Casey, I think I wrote the book.
Speaker 2:I wish my dad would have had to dive in deeper with me, because I run pretty deep, I'm asking the hard questions. I love the mess, I love stuff that's not all packaged with a bow, and so my dad doesn't always know how to go there with me, even still in his 80s, right In fact. I remember my dad even years ago saying to me I mean, this is maybe within the last decade. I said, dad, do you think we're close? And he goes not as close as you'd like us to be. You want to still like, go deeper and talk more. And I'm like, yep, I sure do, and I want you to ask me, I want you to want to pursue me deeper, know me more. But that doesn't really kind of always fit in his wheelhouse where he's comfortable right, and then there's a miss, so. So anyway, back to my dad. So I'm the oldest right. Then I like I said a four girls, my youngest sister's 14 years younger. So we got a really big gap there. People thought she was my kid, right when I'm pushing the stroller, and I'm 16 and she's two and I'm like, no, no, no. So here's the deal.
Speaker 2:So my dad then raised Catholic altar boy, the whole thing that way. Catholic church fed their family, clothe their family. Well, years later he then ends up becoming a Baptist pastor. How's that for a flippy, floppy change of his life trajectory. And yet underneath it all, he didn't know what to do to be a dad. He's learning that stuff in school. So somebody once said to him like well, you need to, like you need to spend one on one time with him. He's like oh really, okay, I guess we're doing that. Somebody said, hey, you need to meet every morning and have like devotions with your family to kind of set the course today.
Speaker 2:He comes home, we're getting up 15 minutes earlier. We're going to be doing this because some other guy said you need to do this, so he just added to his repertoire as he went. And one of my favorite stories to tell about my dad, even in the complexity of times where we bonk heads because my dad says I'm more like him than any of the others. In fact, he even says you're more me than me Because I thought I was a perfectionist. You're even more of a perfectionist than I am, but I remember he goes to this retreat.
Speaker 2:This is a super fun story to tell because, dad, I love giving you practical ideas that you can put into action today to pursue your daughter's heart not her head Right the hearts of fathers when they turn to their daughters, it changes everything and we love your head, dad, meaning help us fill out a FAFSA, help us get a college application figured out, help us get a bank loan, help us figure out what car to buy. We need you in our lives in that way. But if your heart doesn't turn which means you're going to have to grow a skill set of being more intuitive and sensitive and emotional and communicative and all those things and vulnerable and the things we talked about earlier today. You're going to miss her, and then she's more vulnerable for the what I call dad's dudes and duds. She's going to go that way. If daddy ate dialing in there, she's going to be looking for love in all the wrong places.
Speaker 1:What can pull off?
Speaker 2:Come on, come on, I'm probably wearing dads out now. They're like oh my gosh, michelle, you're talking so fast, where are you going? I know there's research on women speak 20,000 words a day and men speak 7,000. They're probably getting their fill right here today. But I say that to say okay, dad, here's a practical action step that my dad came up with. So he's at this retreat and they're like okay, you got to connect with your kids.
Speaker 2:And this is like probably in the 70s, so stuff was starting to awaken about the importance of family relationships. This was kind of new after the depression, after, right, world War II. This is good. And even you know this is all you know dads that were raised in that generation coming out going. Our dads didn't really pursue us. They worked hard but they didn't really always know what to do to connect with us individually as their kids. So dads don't always have that example to follow.
Speaker 2:So my dad's being told okay, you need to figure out how to connect with your kids. And he's like okay, I got four girls. What do they like? They like perfume. That's what they do. They like perfume, which I get as an every daughter. But he comes home and he goes okay, we're going to do this thing once a year, right at Christmas we're going to go. We've either. Usually it was Nordstrom, but sometimes it was Macy's, and my dad would take us and I did this until I got married, and I only got married for the first time four years ago. So this is this is recent, actually history for me. We probably did this 25 years. My dad would take me to Nordstrom and we would go sit in the perfume section. They always have a couple of high chairs there.
Speaker 2:My dad would sit there and I'd have to try on the different perfumes on my skin because they're never, they don't smell the same on everybody and I'd have them up like three on my left arm, three on my right arm, couple on the top of my hands, trying which ones I liked and which ones he liked on me, and we would take pictures throughout the whole thing and then at the end we'd pick one perfume and get a photo of it. And I'm telling you, the last perfume I got I'm not lying, it was $185 for one bottle.
Speaker 2:That's insane, but it was so hard for me to have my dad spend that on me, while at the same time there's a verse that says where your treasure is, there your heart is. He put his treasure into buying that for me, and you want me to tell you the win. I still have some of those bottles on my counter still today, and I wear them all year. What do you think I think about when I put that perfume on?
Speaker 1:Your pops.
Speaker 2:Come on how much he loves me because he invested in me and so even when I first started in 2016, it started as radio, the dad whisper, and then now it's purely podcast. It was both for a few years. That first day I wear in the perfume my dad bought me that let me know he loved me. It was like I brought him with me. So, dads, if you want to create a idea for us it was Christmas, you could do it. Maybe at your daughter's birthday, you could do it anytime.
Speaker 2:And once I one time I wrote this, I did a podcast and I do this blogging and I called it like perfume, painting powls and pottery, and I was like your daughter might be more into books. Go do a whole like you spend two hours in her world in that bookstore and she gets three books to take home. But you're looking at them, you're walking the aisles with her, maybe she paints. Go do one of those paint things where they guide you through it so you don't have to come up with it, or the pottery. You know where you can. You know, go paint them and they fire them. I was encouraging dads, do something that after that time with you, she can hold it in her hands. It's tangible to say this reminds me of my dad, because the reality is, when you're not here and she has those things to hold, she'll always remember your investment in her and your love for her. So what do you think Is that? Is that enough?
Speaker 2:of a history of my relationship with my dad how giving dads practical action steps because they can do it too.
Speaker 1:Well, I think, and I think what I would encourage dads, let's say you're a dad, that's you. You can't afford a hundred and eighty five dollar bottle of perfume. It's not the point, dads. The point is it's the time, find something and if you don't know, ask.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hey honey, we're going to do something you want to do today and the answer nothing's out of not the answer. We're going to go do something and you get a pick and here's, here's our budget, and we're going to figure out the most fun activity to do. Or maybe you go ask it in one of your other dad friends. It's like, hey, I'm trying to connect my dad, what should I do? Like that's called vulnerability. It's called putting your ego down and being humble to be hey, maybe someone can have a better idea than I have. But in the end that's what I think drives connection. And when you're telling me that story, it's like you know as I. You know, you know one thing we both knew, know how hard it is write a book. Right, it takes a lot of a lot of intentionality. It takes a lot of um, just, it's hard, but I'm glad I did it. But my daughter could give two shits that wrote a book.
Speaker 1:What she cares about is hey dad, will you go rebound for me? Let's go shoot. Can you come rebound for me? Hey, dad, I'm picking up a school. Hey, thanks for picking. I know her favorite Starbucks drink, so sometimes I'll. Hey, we got a green day, good luck. Here's your. Venti strawberry refresher lemonade with no inclusions. Here you go, and it's like just small little memories, that's um, but it doesn't have to be about what you buy them. It's like you know I got. I thought about this one time. The difference between appreciation and recognition is time. Appreciation just takes time, recognition takes money, or you go buy something. But I think time is one of the most valuable assets we have if you slow down to think about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and um, and it's hardest to give because there's it costs something that takes longer than if you just buy something or hand the money. And I'm so glad you highlighted cause the hundred and eighty five dollars, you know, obviously the most he had ever spent and it was ridiculous.
Speaker 2:And yet I have dads and it's really fun now where I have dads, even across the country send me pictures of things, cause it's like they want me to be proud of them for doing it right and if I do, I celebrate that, I champion them and it is really fun when it when a dad even comes up with his own variation on a theme and so there's lots of people. You could even do a hike, take pictures on your phone dad daughter selfies you can go to one like Walgreens or some director doesn't like do a photo in an hour, one photo to like put up to remember that, and then that doesn't cost as much money but it costs time. But some way to commemorate you know that you spent that time together is often really powerful for a daughter, cause you can pull it up on the screen of your mind but then you have that reminder you know, in real, tangible ways to remember the dad daughter bond that is really there.
Speaker 3:Hi, I'm Leslie Vickery, the CEO and founder of ClearEdge, a company dedicated to transforming the business of talent. There are three lines of business ClearEdge marketing, recruiting and rising that help organizations across the recruitment and HR tech sectors grow their brands and market share while building their teams with excellence and equity. I believe we were one of Casey's very first clients. He helped our sales and account teams really those people on the front lines of building and developing client relationships in so many ways. Here are a few. He helped us unlock the power of curiosity. For me it was a game changer. I was personally learning all about Ted based that's, tell, explain, describe, questioning and that really resonated with me. We also learned about unlocking the power of humility and unlocking the power of vulnerability. Casey taught us to be a team player, to embrace change, to stay positive. He is one of the most positive people I know. He believes that optimism, resilience and a sense of humor can go a long way in helping people achieve their goals and overcome obstacles.
Speaker 3:And I agree Casey's book when the relationship, not the deal. It is a must read. Listen, whether you're looking for coaching and training or a powerful speaker or keynote, casey is one of the people I recommend, when talking to companies, the end result for us, at least as one of Casey's clients. Our own clients would literally commend our approach over all other companies, from the way we were prepared in advance of a call, to how we drove meetings, to how we follow up. It sounds really basic, I know, but let me tell you it is a standout approach that led to stronger relationships. I encourage you to learn more by going to CaseyJcoxcom. You have nothing to lose by having a conversation and a lot to gain. Now let's get back to Casey's podcast, the quarterback dad cast.
Speaker 1:How much is your relationship with your dad changed over the years, now that you're doing the work you're doing?
Speaker 2:You know, in some ways I would say it hasn't changed at all, and then in some ways I would say it has Probably the biggest changes. My dad is really, really proud of me. He really really celebrates this, and my dad here's another way that the dad could connect with his daughter that doesn't cost a cent is that? My dad and I started this tradition years ago where on Monday nights we would go to Costco and then this other like big box store to grocery shop, and I'm like, yeah, I'm a cheap date. As a daughter, I'm like we need to get a piece of pizza, a salad. You know, like Costco was our meal. Isn't that horrible? I mean, when you think about how, like it's probably not the healthiest thing, but it became our thing. So he'd pick me up, we'd go grocery shopping and one day I came up with two ideas. The first one was let's do a dad daughter selfie at the grocery store. So we would either go into the card section and put like a bag over our head, or we'd, you know, put things that were seasonal around our neck, you know, like a boa if it was something for Halloween. Or we would take Kiwis and put them on our heads or whatever in the fruit section and people begin to know us. But we would then I'd posted dad daughter selfie on social media and then we would kind of write together a little quip of what it would mean. Like you know, for the different holidays. It's funny how grocery stores have a lot of that stuff in there, you know, and we would just am it up. And so many times people would come up to my dad at different places and go wait, you're Michelle's dad, and so it kind of gave him a place to, as he aged, especially in retired, and didn't have as much as I've had, as much right to say here's what I'm doing. That makes a difference. That was a way that my dad would kind of enter in with me and be proud of that with me.
Speaker 2:So, and then I came up with this other idea where on the way home was about a 10 minute drive, I go, dad, tell me one story from your childhood. You've never told me. And it got to the point where my dad again remember I'm saying he didn't, he would go. I don't really have any stories to tell. I'm like, yeah, you do. So I would say, okay, let's do it by time of year, like, hey, we're in an ice story. What do you remember about the ice in Chicago? He'd go. You know, I can remember ice skating once and I fell and there was a can with the lid up in the ice and it cut me above my eyebrow and I went home and my mom, because we were so poor, sewed me up with a needle and thread. Okay, I never heard that story, except it was like hey, it's ice. So those prompts really helped my dad. And then he got to the point where he said I don't have any more stories. I'm like then I want to hear him again. Tell me one story on the way home from the store. Again, things that don't cost anything.
Speaker 2:Dad, tell your daughter stories of what you've survived. And that's why in my, the second book I just referenced, I have dad lead her to laugh, lead her to love, lead her to look kind of under the hood at deeper things, lead her to lament, like joining her in things that have broken her heart. It might be loss of a pet, loss of a parent, loss of your marriage, it could be loss of a job, anything that have hurt her heart, because that that packs a punch right. And so, if you can enter into her life in that really intimate way, like I told you in the work I do where people trust me with their tears, you bond more with your daughter through those experiences.
Speaker 2:But the last section, casey, is lead her to listen, where the dad hands his daughter the book and she gets to ask dad questions about his life in different themes, like what about your relationship with your dad growing up, or jobs you've had, or romantic. You know history that way and it's age appropriate, of course. But when a daughter gets to know her dad more, she begins to internalize even family strengths. Wow, you didn't give up when it was hard. Wow, you were fired five times but you kept going back and finding another job or career change. She'll begin to say then I can do hard things too, because my dad did them and still does them, you know. So is that practical enough, do you think, for guys?
Speaker 1:like to take action today.
Speaker 1:There's no script here, and that's, I think, what makes some of these conversations the most fun is we let curiosity drive the conversation and then we both are listening and then we play off each other. I think you know what I'm taking out of today is that you know it really aligns with a lot of the things that I've interviewed a lot of dads about. It's just you gotta put yourself out there. There's no perfect way to do it, there's no script, but I think when we are present and that we've done many episodes on being present it's hard to say you need help guys. It's hard, it's hard to say, but like I try to like make fun of myself a lot, to just to try to like humble my audience.
Speaker 1:You talked about the, I think the ABBA. Is it ABBA? Is that saying that? Right? Yeah, abba project. Your dad loves projects. Well, I do love projects, but when I'm not the lead, because if you Googled worst handyman and then clicked images, you're gonna see my face, michelle. But like I'm a great secondhand guy, like me and my buddy Steve, we put up some. We're up on the roof doing some electrical work and like, if I had done it myself, I would have been Gonzo, probably been electric to fall off the roof.
Speaker 1:But I like doing it. I just my mind does not go to the black and white mechanical. And then once it's done like oh, I see it.
Speaker 2:So, like I was like it's not my forte either. I'm right there with ya.
Speaker 1:But my wife is like a freaking beast at fixing stuff, like total, detail oriented, total operations mind, and her dad it was a pilot for Alaska Airlines Navy, full on aircraft carriers. I mean straight like MacGyver, wow, wow. And so she's I always joke like when you like, when she married me and she's maybe 25 years in February, she's like he probably was like what the hell is this guy? He can't even freaking, tell you a shoe, but I can type and I can talk in front of big crowds. So, bruce, come on, go on, I offer something here, right?
Speaker 2:I ask you a question even when we're talking about you know, like you said, you asked me how was your relationship with your dad changed? Even yeah. And so here you are, a father to a teenager, which is really different than fathering a 10 year old or a five year old. Can I ask you, how have you fathered your daughter different now as compared to even a decade ago?
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't honestly know if I've changed. To be honest with ya, I've just I've always like humor is at the fit, a lot of sarcasm. In our family we have a lot of fun, if anything I use. I love asking questions versus telling. I always wanna make it my kid's idea to do something versus my idea. So, like always, we do like a lot of goals and vision work and so, like, like you can see, people at home can't see it, but like, here's like my vision board.
Speaker 2:Oh cool.
Speaker 1:So everybody, I'm showing up at, you know eight by 10, by 14 poster board of things I will accomplish, keyword will, and so, like I share that with my daughter. I share, like, hey, the things that you're trying to do and you wanna do and you hope to do, I'm doing the same thing. So, like in her room, I like I'm super proud of this. Like she has all of her goals, like, do this, do that, do this, do that like very clear, very specific. And so I just, if I ever see her changing or she's not like as engaged as I think she should be, I'll say, hey, riley, tell me something changed. She's like what do you mean? I like why not that you told me how important this was, but I just, I don't know if anything's changed in your goals, cause I haven't seen you do X, y or Z. She's like no, that's so important. Next day, boom, right back on track.
Speaker 2:Oh cool.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's like Back to that curiosity, so it's not a judgment, are you just curious?
Speaker 1:No, it's not a judgment. She's doing one, yeah, and if the answer is it's changed, that's okay, but then? But don't tell me you wanna do something if you don't wanna do it. You know, I think, I think, I, I believe that, like you know, I've created these sarcastic, these swear words, these newswear words in life need to, should, to, want to, have to and can't. All those words do is create anxiety, without a plan, exactly, and they make me feel worse about myself cause there's no action. I need to lose weight. I need to stop doing this. I need, I need to start exercising. Then go do it.
Speaker 2:Just Exactly.
Speaker 1:Simple.
Speaker 2:And I think that's a good reminder for dads is to really be careful of that language with your daughters because Every word matters.
Speaker 2:The one I often highlight is that should, don't should on your daughter because, oh yeah, should it's tends to be more destructive than maybe you want it to be, where she's like I can't do anything. Right, I hate to be a disappointment to my dad, so I'm going to hide what I don't want him to see. That is going to make him disappointed, and so that that's a good reminder, probably even for dads listening, to be real mindful of their language in how they even ask those questions right Of their daughters.
Speaker 2:Hey, just checking in. In fact, I tell dads, if you put two words in front of questions you asked your daughter, you'll watch her respond really positively. And it's just putting the two words. I'm wondering Like you can say why aren't you reaching your goals, dad? It's just been a hard week, okay, or whatever you can say. Hey, I'm wondering why you're not, why you're not reaching your goals here, or whatever, and it just changes the tone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that I actually have found too successful as putting numbers in front of a question. So, for example, if I said hey, riley, tell me how school is boring. Well, tell me two things that would make it not boring.
Speaker 2:Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, oh, that's good Put a number in front of the question.
Speaker 1:I don't know why it works, but it triggers the mind. I teach this in my business world, I do, but, like in relationship building with my kids, it just it removes one word answers. And so sometimes people say, oh, I try to talk to my kids but they're not responding. I go, I hate to judge you, bro, but those are shitty questions. Let's try asking a better question, because we ask a great question, just like a custodian that unlocks the door. And you know, custodians I mean great questions unlock everything.
Speaker 2:I'm convinced that, in fact, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna give dads one more idea, because I love this. Like you said, we're kind of bouncing off of each other. Yeah, yeah, what he said, you're like, yeah, what she said, and they go together. It's like we're like on megaphone we're in one ear and the other ear to these dads, like speakers, you know go and say that, do that.
Speaker 2:But here's another trick, if you want to call it that, that I've encouraged dads with that. They've told me oh my gosh, this is so helpful Is sometimes dad will go, dads may go. Yeah, hey, how was your day Good? How was school today? Fine, awesome.
Speaker 2:And then you get home and your wife's like so what'd she say? And you're like, oh yeah, that was good, it was fine. You know what? That's actually a non-answer answer on Venus, like that's our throw away. And men go. You know, if you wanted to say more, you would. She would have told me more. And we're like if you wanted to know more, you would have asked more. And you're like what? This is nuts. And I'm like, okay, so to understand the wiring of a Venusian, here's how we tend to thrive. Is dad, take the keyword or the last word of the sentence you just heard her say and remember, in school we do who, what, when, where, why, how. You add one of those to the keyword or the last word. So, like you're saying, asking questions is golden. So sometimes, especially for more of introverted dads, are like I didn't even know what to ask next. I'm like you don't actually have to work that hard we're like. So did you make any new friends today?
Speaker 3:She's like no.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, what do I ask? And you're working way too hard for the next question. But if you listen, look at this and I always say do why the least frequent, Because why can be a looping question? I don't know, Why'd you? I don't know. But if you say something like what about your day was good, so she goes. It was good, you took her word and now you put what about your day was good? And she might go.
Speaker 2:Well, actually there's this really cute guy, like in you know, in science, and today, like he started talking to me and you're like okay, who's the guy, See, who's the guy. What did he say? What's his name? Again, what you could ask where were you guys in class? Again, Like you can, you will watch, she'll open up like a flower and then she'll tell you more, cause you heard her. But you didn't have to work that hard. Just a cool at one where how and her keyword or last word you might go. I don't even know what she just said, but you're like I'm two exits back on the freeway, I, she, lost me.
Speaker 2:But her last word might have been and I was gone.
Speaker 1:I got my flashers on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, totally Help me, dude, and you're like, but the last thing she said was he was so cute. You're like. Sometimes here's another trick Repeat what she said he was so he's so cute.
Speaker 2:Yeah, dad totally See what I mean. She'll think you heard the whole thing when you're like lost deer and headlights. But again, see how we're kind of building off of each other because you're like, yeah, do the number thing. Like Casey said, hey, what were two good things today? Or you could do try the who, what, when, where, how and her keyword or last word.
Speaker 1:Well, and just dads are listening. Or maybe grandpas are trying to get connected to your grandchildren better. I think one of my favorite. Again, I hate to be this about, like these cliches, but the cliches are there for a reason. And one of this guy. He taught me this thing. It says don't let the start stop you. So right now we're doing it and I don't anything. But let's just lean in and try today. Take, put the risk, put yourself out there. Tell your daughter how great she looks. Or you love the new man. She used to smell great. Oh man, thanks for doing the dishes. I didn't even ask you. Or thanks for cleaning the litter box. And it was probably your brother who took a dump in the litter box. Just make a joke of it. Do something where you're, but just start. Just start.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:So I would love to talk about, as we kind of get ready to wrap up here a little bit. But if you think about, tell us a little bit about both books, where can people find them, and then we'll go. But let's start there.
Speaker 2:OK. So the first book I wrote it a decade ago, this year, and it's called Dad, here's what I Really Need From you. Subtitle A Guide for Connecting with your Daughter's Heart. So I wrote this book in Martian because, I'm going to be honest with you, books aren't my favorite thing. It's a lot of black letters on a white page and I go whoa. It's like I always say I'm on the cusp of ADHD, where I'm just kind of boomeranging, and so it's hard to kind of read that many words without getting lost or zoning.
Speaker 2:And so I wrote this. I was never an author so I didn't even know what this meant. But we're on the sides. There's these things called callouts on each page where it has a little summary, like it just might say go big, you know. And you go oh, that's interesting, I think I'll look at that or read her eyes. Oh, that interests me If you don't skip that section. And so I wrote it so men could read it fast, and each chapter is only like three pages, like two sides and one, and I've had guys come and go. Hey, I read two chapters last night. I'm like rock on. I knew there was a psychology to it, you know, so that you get a sense of accomplishment Rather than do you ever do that in a chapter You're like I love short chapters, I wonder what pages is there how many pages in a chapter?
Speaker 2:Because we want to know. We did it, you know.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And so in that book it's setting a foundation for dads to understand how their daughters are wired. And I've even had some dads buy a copy for them and a copy for their daughter and they've gone through it together and he's like you really think like this and she might go. No, michelle's all wet there. That's how I'm wired, but for the most part I'm helping dads understand the wiring of their daughter. And then at the back of that book there's eight dad-daughter date questions in themes and that's what then was kind of the impetus for the second book that came out in 20. Yep, yay, covid, and it's called that's Talk Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.
Speaker 2:In those five sections that I said about dads leading their daughters in different ways, and I started with, lead her to laugh. And, like you said, you have a lot of humor in your family, is, I thought. I think there's not enough laughter. And neuroscientists show that the bonding, social bonding, occurs when we, through laughter, you know we emit. The neurotransmitters are activated in our brains. Oxytocin is a bonding thing that happens through laughter and humor. And so I thought, dad, why not ask your daughter what item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of. You know, let her make fun of you. And so anyway, there's that section in leader to love, because the more your daughter loves herself, the more she'll give out love to the world. So it's helping her.
Speaker 2:You know you talk about goals. I even have dads ask their daughters like what are 10 outrageous things you wish you had the nerve to do? What are 10 ways that you want to be a world changer? I mean, there's questions about if you're not like Casey, where you're like goal setting and that you can do it. It's right there in front of you. Hey, here's the question. I'm going to help my daughter, so you don't have to reinvent the wheel, but it's right there to help you. Lead her to think more strategically.
Speaker 2:Then the third one lead her to look, which is looking at body image and gender and cyber bullying and same-sex attraction and I wrote it, sadly, before everything blew up during the pandemic that had to do with more kind of diverse topics around gender and identity, that kind of thing. So you might have to morph it to fit your daughter's needs and specific things. I've talked to my publishers about changing this up in the next version of printing so it is a bit more inclusive. But anyway, there's all that.
Speaker 2:And on spirituality and God, and how do you see God as a father Is that died of me as a father? And opening up all kinds of complex topics that maybe dads tend to avoid. And then the next one is, yeah, lead her to lament I talked about that earlier and then lead her to listen. So that's kind of the difference between the two books. First one sets a foundation for dads understanding their daughters. The second one is more of an action book, because when you think about who is your favorite action figure when you were little, I think probably Superman.
Speaker 2:OK. So would you have liked Superman if he didn't take action? I mean, he wouldn't have been a superman if he didn't do something. And so, dad, if you want to be a hero to your daughter, you have to take action. And so that's really what my heart is behind the books is to help equip dads to have no excuses for connecting with their daughters.
Speaker 2:And I say, dad, a great way to use that book is let your daughter pick the date, topic for that time where you're having one-on-one time with her. She may pick like, hey, today I want to talk about how to be a world changer, or how to have a better body image or self image or confidence, or working stuff out with my friends and my peers and da-da-da. And so then you have questions that you can ask her on that theme. And then I say, dad, get a pen. Your daughter didn't come with a playbook. I'm going to help you write one. Write down what she says. These are either in that book or in an adjunct book and your daughter will help you write that playbook to be the best dad you can be to her.
Speaker 1:Love it. I will make sure these are linked in the show notes. Why did you start the podcast?
Speaker 2:Because I believe this is funny that I have written books but my default is most men have told me I don't like to read. They're like, really that's not my jam, and so I wanted them to have audio. So I'm like now for those dads which I think is the majority of you, would rather listen than read then this is another way that I can equip dads to dial into their daughter's heart with intention and consistency, and that's every one of my podcasts. It's On your Mark, get Set, go. On your Mark is the topic or the theme. Get Set, I fill that in and Go is always a practical action step where I'm like dads, you're running alongside other dads that you may or may not know and you're all running this fathering race. So I'm a coach on the side saying On your Mark is Set, go.
Speaker 2:So every episode of the podcast is one topic and, whether I'm doing it myself or interviewing a guest, that one topic. Then I want dads to have one action step, because sometimes we get so much information where I don't even know what to do. So I want dads to end by picking one thing from that topic to put into action, and I think that's how we make incremental changes through. I mean, we make big changes through incremental steps. So why not do one thing different this week than you did last week? And that's how change happens. And you get that, you know that, you breathe that, you teach that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just mean there's a guy I interviewed early. He's a buddy of mine. He talked about just a game of one inch. Just be a one inch better. He was a played same as Jed Collins. He played fullback in the NFL and he said the difference of like being a fullback getting one inch it's either third and short or first and 10.
Speaker 1:But, you might just be just that one inch gets you better. So think about it. If you're one inch better than as a dad today, than you were yesterday, maybe ask another dad, matt Miller. He said he asked a question that we've equipped dads with. Tell me how I can be a better dad this week. Tell me I can be a better husband this week.
Speaker 2:That's actually. That's one that I encourage dads to ask their daughters is you know, even 0 to 10, back to that number thing. How am I doing as your dad? What number would you give me?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and what could I?
Speaker 2:do to change that number, to be a better dad to you. And you know you heard me say earlier and I just here at the end. I want to underscore this because it's really key to know that the overriding themes in research show confirm that. When I said every area of your daughter's life will be better if she feels connected to you, Is that a headword or a heart word? That's heart man right. It feels connected to you. She will get better grades in school. She's more likely to finish high school and attend college. She will have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight. She will delay her sexual debut and most dads go come on. She will is more likely to find steady employment. She will have greater confidence, she will have less depression and anxiety, greater self-esteem, more pro-social empathy and on and on. All because of dad, and we do not hear enough about the positive impact of father engagement.
Speaker 2:In fact I spoke at a conference last fall 7,000 people, professionals in the field of counseling and pastoral leadership and those kinds of things. I was the only bothering workshop. What is wrong? Like this is a game changer for our culture across ethnicities, for dads to be more equipped to dial in and, like you said earlier, casey, it's more how you get up after you fell than whether you fell. That's someone's side. How did you get back on the horse and reengage your kids, whether you were in prison? I mean, I've met with prison inmates in the Oregon State Pen where dad stood up after it's going. I'm getting out in two months and I'm terrified. I don't know how to be a dad to her and I'm like, does she like to cook or bake? Yep, get in the kitchen with her and let her teach you what she's learned. Since you were in there. You know like, get in her space and learn from her.
Speaker 2:She'll teach you about her and those kinds of things. I'm like dad's. Your daughter needs you in her life, not a perfect dad, but her dad. And that's you. And you make all the difference when you show up, all the difference, and that's why Casey and I are both doing what we're doing, because we believe in dads and you don't hear enough that you have value and that you matter. In fact, I end every show by saying go, dads, and I had a dad write me in this past year.
Speaker 2:He literally this shocked me, casey. He said I wait for those two words because I don't have anybody else in my life cheering me on. I was shocked. I just had another dad write me and say never met him. And he said I read all your blogs. Your dad, daughter Friday blogs. I've read your books.
Speaker 2:I just am going to meet my 40 year old daughter for the first time in my life in Denver. This is literally like about six weeks ago and he said you know? And I said please write me afterwards and tell me how it goes. But he goes I've taken what you've taught me. I'm gonna listen. I have two ears, one mouth. I'm gonna look her in the eyes. I'm not gonna be defensive, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:But he said it was phenomenal and I'm like can you believe that? Like putting something out into the world gave this man more confidence to re-engage his daughter. And I'm telling you dads, it's never too late and that dad demonstrates that. So keep up the good work, dad. Don't give up, even when it's hard. Your daughter's gonna throw you lots of curveballs but you're gonna grow as a result and be a better man for how you engage your daughter and I've had dads say you know what the stuff I'm learning here with my daughters, helping me to be a better husband to my wife. One guy said I'm a better manager at work, I'm a better dad to my sons. So the ways that you dial in as a dad make you a better man, and Casey and I are both saying go dads.
Speaker 1:Love it. Go, dads, I love it. Okay, if you were to summarize into actionable, like three actionable tasks that dads can take from our episode, always, they can put into action, become that ultimate quarterback or leader of their home. Tell me what comes to mind.
Speaker 2:Okay, number one when you turn your heart to your daughter, your daughter will turn hers to you eventually. But you've got to initiate. So I love that you're even talking about football. You don't just sit there and stare at the ball. Everybody has a part in moving it. We don't just give you a match turning up on the television for two, three hours. You know Everybody watched the ball.
Speaker 1:This is a close game. Everyone just staring at each other. Still zero, zero.
Speaker 2:So initiation is key. It's okay if you don't know what to do, right, but remember, by doing nothing and just staring at the ball, you're doing it wrong. And so one is you got to take action, you got to initiate and if you need ideas, you know Casey and I are here for you and we're we're cheering you on. So that's first initiate, take action. Number two this is one I haven't talked about today, but I say, dad, three words drop your anger. In fact, I was interviewed last year and the guy put a 47 second clip online. I've never had anything go viral 3.4 million views, wow, on a 47 second. That's all it was 47 second clip of me saying when you're angry, you know, you, you do more to crush the core of who she is through your anger than anything else. It destroys her spirit, she shuts down, it makes her believe she's unlovable and not worthy. So make a commitment today to drop your anger. And, like Casey said earlier, where he said yesterday I had to go hey guys, I'm kind of cranky, I'm gonna take a time out myself. I say, dad, take a time out.
Speaker 2:When you're angry, because you're, that means your midbrain is on fire and what it does in terms of your brain is when your, any of us when we're activated there, what it does is we flood and our front prefrontal cortex, where we think and make good decisions and have good judgment, goes offline. So, to calm yourself down, take a time out as many minutes as your age. You're 50, you need a 50 minute timeout, 35. You need a 30 minute, five minute timeout to calm your brain. You'll never regret coming back and either course correcting your daughter speaking into your daughter's life, setting a boundary, responding to something that's gone sideways. You'll never regret waiting till you're not angry.
Speaker 2:So number two I would say, dad, an action step is drop your anger and then do what you need to do to calm yourself down, to come back and respond with more humility, more gentleness, more kindness. You'll never regret that. And I would say number three and this one oh my goodness, there's so many things that flood through my head, so I love that you're making me me just put it to. Three is I would say, dad, know that it's never too late, it's never too far gone your relationship. You've never done more than and this is granted, it's a gross generalization, but but it's never too late to do it right. It's never too late to make a decision now, to dial in, and I would say a practical way to be encouraged is put something in writing today write your daughter a text.
Speaker 2:Write her a note in your handwriting. That's set apart from technology, and one of my favorite things to tell dads is go get a pack of sticky notes or a dry erase marker and write a note to your daughter on a mirror today that says I love you, I'm glad to be your dad, like it's never too late, and so a way to remind yourself that today matters is put your love in writing. Come up with a way to write a note to her to tell her why she, why you, love her.
Speaker 1:And do that action, step today this is where my weird brain this is. I got a screw loose and got a goofy, goofy brain. When you said go get her, go get her a pack of yeah, I thought you were gonna say smoke. So I was like whoa, this is like, this is a little bit of a curveball.
Speaker 2:I guess I'll try it. A pack of what, oh, sticky nose okay, marlboro's got it down.
Speaker 1:Hey, episode sponsored by Marlboro. Maybe that's our next sponsor the podcast. Okay, it's now time to go into the lighting round okay which is where I ask you just random questions.
Speaker 1:It shows you the effects of taking too many hits in college not bomb hits, but football hits. Okay, and my job is to try to get you to giggle. Your job is to answer these questions as quickly as we can. This is your. Okay, you'll be the second woman we on the show, but the first woman I've interviewed. Sorry, maddie, but dr Watson, give you first. All right, are you ready?
Speaker 1:I'm ready okay, true or false, when you met Mike Betz, it was at a world's strongest man competition balls, balls. Okay, I just giggle up my own joke.
Speaker 2:Okay, tell me your favorite 80s comedy movie oh my gosh, was that Ferris Bueller's day off?
Speaker 1:there we go.
Speaker 2:Good, good choice okay creative with nothing, made something out of nothing. I love that coming last book you read read one last night called the Heart of Counseling. I'm endorsing it. So that was last night, finished it there we go.
Speaker 1:What would be the one song that if we went into your phone, people might be surprised you listen to this type of music oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Well, one of them on there is called father by Demi Lovato, and I can't get the dumb thing off my phone and it comes up all the time. I'm like stop it. So it's not really what I listen to. But actually people might be surprised because I listened to a lot of worship music actually kind of calms, centers, grounds me there we go.
Speaker 1:If you and Ken were to go on vacation today, where would you go?
Speaker 2:I think we'd love to go to Maui, because we went there last year and it was so awesome and it was warm and beautiful, so I think we'd love to go back and get a tan there we go.
Speaker 1:If there was to be a book written about your life, tell me the title oh my gosh, what you are doing.
Speaker 2:Hard questions that I think I'm gonna go back and amend my other one. I did meet Mike at actually a bodybuilding competition. I just forgot a strong man. I just forgot, you know, I was trying to cover his, his bases, and not really give away big quads bulging?
Speaker 2:yeah, he's alter ego, but a book about my life and probably um, this is brand of it like go big or go home. I feel like, like my best friend says, michelle, your middle name should be extravagant. I love to give big. I'm a big personality, I I have a lot of like. I walk in a room and I kind of I don't mean to take over, but I'm gonna love big, I'm gonna give big, I'm gonna serve big, I'm gonna react big. So I'm not always the best, but I say probably go big or go home okay home.
Speaker 2:So there it's kind of back to the heart of home and the fact that dad's in the home matter. That's good. I may use that so go there.
Speaker 1:Now is is crushing it in every bookstore, it's in every airport.
Speaker 2:It's selling out on Amazon. It's a book.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're saying, my books gonna be your book, yeah, go home, but now Netflix wants to make a movie about it and I need to know who's gonna star your dad in this critically acclaimed movie oh my gosh, maybe I'll say Dennis Quaid okay, d Quaid, I love it. Okay. And then last question tell me two words that describe your dad hard-working.
Speaker 2:For sure one of them, hard-working, doesn't complain there we go, hyphenated yeah all right.
Speaker 1:Well, the, the, the lightning rounds over. I'm so grateful for a time together. This hour flew by dad's I hope that you've taken notes.
Speaker 1:I have a full page notes. We'll make sure everything that Dr Michelle has mentioned from the books, the podcast, the blog, that will all be linked in the show notes. You'll make sure that you will have access to all for fantastic content. Shout out to Mikey B Mikey bet, thanks for making putting us together, yeah, but I'm grateful for our time together. I'm grateful for getting to know you better and I know this is not the last we will. We will talk, but I really appreciate you spending time with us today and serving and sharing all your wisdom with dads oh my gosh, I'd love to be here with you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much all right.