Episode 14: A Very Personal Story about Speaking Up

We see it all the time - reminders about how important it is to speak up and advocate for ourselves and others. Recently, I found myself in a situation where speaking up was life-changing in a way I could have never imagined. I am sharing this in the hopes it help other women to do the same.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

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Speaker 2: 0:09

Welcome to the power hour. I am your host, Wendy silver. Today. I want to talk about using your voice to advocate for yourself. Many of you know, that I have shared on the podcast, uh, not in great detail, but I've definitely alluded to my fears and challenges around public speaking and how I've really worked hard over the past few years to take that on. Um, one of the areas that I actually, you know, I've really not had a problem with is really speaking my mind in small groups and in situations where I felt like it was important to voice my opinion on something. Um, and so recently I was reminded through a personal situation of how important it is to use your voice, to advocate for yourself and how that can impact your life in huge ways. And I want to, so I want to start by sharing this story with you, and I'm just going to start from the beginning. Um, around December 20, 19, early January, 2020, I started having a lot of breast pain, the kind of pain that you get when if you've had children and you nursed that feeling of like, when your milk comes in and you're like gorged and it's kind of painful. And I started having that feeling. It was a really weird and uncomfortable, and I was chalking it up initially just to changes in my cycle and, uh, you know, PMs, I don't know, around the same time, I also felt like this lump on the side of my right breast, but it was kind of like a large lump and like, it's the kind of thing. Like, you wouldn't just have like nothing to this huge lump. So it wasn't really concerning to me. Um, and I did, I had Jonathan check it out. He was kind like, yeah, you need to get that looked at, but it was, it was really large. And I was like, that's kind of weird, um, that it would just be so large if it were so bad, but it was again, the pain and discomfort in my breast that was really kind of freaking me out a little bit. So I went to my primary care, she took a look, she felt what I was talking about, but, but it was very reassuring and said, you know, it doesn't feel like really like lumpy, like you'd worry about with a mass or a tumor. It feels very like, which is kind of what I thought too. And I definitely have dense breast tissue. So, um, and I'd had an assist there before which they aspirated. So I definitely have some tissue in that area. And she was like, you know, I definitely don't think it's anything to worry about. And breast pain almost is, you know, net almost never an indication of if cancer or anything serious. So, you know, that definitely helped me feel better, but you know, also at the same time, she's like, but really let's get it. That's going to look at. So we decided that I would have an ultrasound, which actually I was scheduled to have any way because of my dense breast tissue. I annually have both a mammogram and then six months later, a breast ultrasound because of, again, my dense breast tissue. So I, um, was scheduled for an ultrasound. I actually remember it being very difficult to schedule. Like they didn't get the referral. It took forever. They had to call three times. They never got it. It was just like really one big headache. Um, and I was very anxious about it at this time because the pain was just weird. And I was like, this is not right. So I go for my ultrasound, the leave, it was January 9th, 2020, go to the ultrasound. She ultrasounds. Um, I don't recall if she did both breasts, but she definitely did that. Brash you'd have to do that area and it was normal and I was so relieved and I was so thankful and I was like, great. And I laughed and I, I didn't feel really worried about it after that, except that I do recall making one more call to my primary care doctor when I was still feeling that uncomfortable pain, because it was just so weird. And I remember talking to the nurse practitioner and her basically saying, well, again, you know, breast pain is usually not an indication of anything serious and blah, blah, blah. And I hung up that call and I was like, all right, fine. Like I'm clearly crazy. Oh, everything's fine. And actually the pain got better. I didn't, uh, it kind of went away and I thought, well, I guess that's just my cycle. Right? Like I still felt that little, you know, um, area on the, on the side that felt like sort of lumpy and it did change with my cycle too. So I thought, well, this changes with my cycles. So that must be related to, you know, just, I don't know, you know, all the that happens in your body when you're going through PMs or whatever I figured. Great. And I really wasn't worried about it and went on with my life. And then in August I actually had switched to a new PCP for insurance reasons. And I went for my annual physical, um, early to mid August. And of course for my physical, you know, she did a breast exam and I actually don't recall if she felt something or if I pointed it out sort of proactively like, yes, I have this little lump here, but that's fine. They've looked at it. They're not worried about it. It's nothing. And she's like, Oh, okay. When was that? And I said, Oh, you know, January or so. And she said, all right, well, that's like, you know, seven, eight months ago now let's just have a looked at again and, you know, cause things, you know, make sure nothing's changed and just, you know, to be safe. And I was like, okay. But I really, again, wasn't really worried about it. And frankly, I felt kind of silly going back again because they had told me it was fine. So I, I felt really self-conscious about that. And I didn't really do anything with it for a few weeks. And then finally I was like, I guess I really should go do that just to be sure, you know, nothing's changed. And then lo and behold, what I realized that I actually had my mammogram scheduled for a few weeks in a week or two, I think, um, ironically September 11th, note to self actually really, really shouldn't do anything significant on September 11th. It's day as is, but it was scheduled for September 11th and I thought, great. I'll just go get my mammogram. So I go on September 11th to my mammogram and this is COVID now. So, you know, you have to wear your mask and you have to call and wait for them to let you in the waiting room was totally empty and seats were blocked off. Um, and then when they took me back, um, I went to the dressing room, was like, it's an L like a waiting room closet. Like you wait in the dressing room, um, that you change in with your stuff and they call you when the technician is ready. So their technician came to my closet to get me and brought me to the imaging room. And it's interesting. I, I, the place I go to, I, I really love, um, this woman who came to get me the technician, she was kind of very like rough and cold ish and abrupt. And like, even like, as they like stuffed you or breast into these machines, like she was just like harsh. And I remember thinking like, Oh, like this isn't the best experience. It didn't actually hurt. And it doesn't usually, you know, it's uncomfortable. Most women who have had this before know it's uncomfortable, but it doesn't usually hurt. And it just was kind of painful. And I literally remember thinking as I'm getting these images taken, like the that we have to go through as women, just because we have breasts that make us susceptible to like cancer and all this screening, like just so unfair that we have to do this. And, but, you know, we do and we do it and I'm doing it. And I, you know, she does all her scanning and I go back to my closet to wait for the radiologist to come, you know, give me the results because I'm very fortunate. I go to a place where they give you the results right there. So I'm waiting in my closet and I can tell there was actually somebody in the closet next to me and she comes and she hands me, my blue slip that has the circle of, you know, everything looks great. And, you know, you should schedule your six because of your dense breast tissue. You should schedule your six month ultrasound if your insurance covers it. And she kind of hands it to me and I'm actually on the phone as she comes, um, to give it to me. And so I quickly hang up. I was actually just leaving a message for somebody. So I quickly hang up and I said to her, and I just said, um, you know, so everything looks okay. And she said, yeah. And I, I don't know what prompted me to say this, but I did. I said, so that area that we had looked at back in January, that we had, you know, had looked at through the ultrasound, like that didn't look any different to you. And, you know, she kind of looked at me like, I don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, she has a ton of patients, so I didn't expect her to know off the top of her head, all the imaging that I've had, but she kind of looked at me and she was like, well, I mean, you know, do, do you feel like there's any changes? And I said, well, I don't feel I need changes, but I know I still feel it there. So I don't know. I guess I would just thought I would ask to see if you see anything. And she's like, why I didn't see anything, but, you know, at this point it was a little awkward we're in the waiting room. And so she, she kind of like waves me back, um, to go back into that area where her office is. And, and she said, well, you know, I mean, if you're worried about it, you know, why don't we just quickly do a little, the ultrasound? And I was like, okay. And I was, you know, like, okay, great. And that way, no one has to worry about it. But again, he hadn't really been worried about it. Um, I get into the room where they do the ultrasound. She, what I love about this place is that she just really, you know, lives you down. And she gets the ultrasound machine and she puts on that warm lubricant and, um, gets it set up and she put it, you know, the, the, the ultrasound right over the area where I was feeling that the, the lump and the pain and, um, you know, she said, Oh, I see a cyst. And I was like, Oh, great. That, that doesn't, that explains it. That's great. And then a few minutes later, it probably wasn't even a few minutes. I think it was probably more like 30 seconds to a minute later, she said, but you know what, let me, let me put you in for an actual ultrasound. Let me go and get you sort of scheduled for this and I'll be right back. Well, that didn't make me feel good. I'm not sure why she decided she needed to do that at this point. But I definitely do not take it as a good sign. She comes back a few minutes later, she picks up the ultrasound. She continues on with the ultrasound on that breast and that area. And she finishes and she said, you know, there's just some stuff there. It's kind of cookie in there. I'd feel better if we took some tissue samples. And I was like, okay. And she's kind of talking to me about how they collect these tissue samples. And I said, so when you say tissue sample, you mean like a biopsy, like you're talking about a little biopsy. And she said, yeah. And I, I'm not really clear why we're not using the word biopsy, but that is exactly what she's talking about. And it's clear to me that she's prepared to do this right now, which again, isn't making me feel great. So I sit down on the chair in the room, she leaves the room, um, and then comes back a few minutes later, um, preparing the room for the biopsy and with a tech to help her. And it's actually the same tech who had done my mammogram just moments earlier, only now she's so nice. Like the nicest person in the world being so nice to me again, not this is not making me feel better. I thought, well, if she is now being so nice to me, something must really be wrong. But again, trying to, well at this point, really trying to keep, uh, focused on the fact that we've imaged this before and it's been nothing. And so that's the likely outcome of all this. So I lay down when they're ready for me on, on the table. And she explains to me how the biopsy is going to work. And they give you a little shot to nominally area, which doesn't really hard at all. She explains they're going to take five samples and it'll sound a little bit, almost like a staple. The noise is more, uh, Don more jolting than the actual feeling. It doesn't hurt that you definitely feel it. And they did take five samples. And it's funny, I don't obviously know which ones were the samples of any particular area, but I do know, and remember thinking that some of them felt different than others, um, as if the substance of those tissue were different. I don't know if that's just my mind, but I remember thinking that, so we take the samples, they tell me how to kind of, you know, treat the, the, the open area where there, where the needle had gone in and kind of care for that and explained that they put a little marker in, so that then when they do a mammogram, they will be able to see it in the future. Um, and also explained that I have to actually go have another mammogram, I guess, to see that marker. I'm not, not really sure at this point why I had to have another mammogram. I honestly didn't want to ask at this point a lot more questions because I was starting to feel very overwhelmed. Um, and so I just went with the attack to get that ultrasound. And again, she's being super nice. I remember us chatting about, she was saying something about, I asked if it would hurt if I were to be a lot of pain once they know once the anesthesia wore off at that area. And she said, no, and we should not really. And it depends on what kind of woman you are. And we laughed a little bit into chat it, and that was that. And then she walked me back to my closet and I remember her saying, all right, well, good luck, honey bunch. And I was like, honey bunch, I'm a 48 year old woman. And she just called me on me. But, but whatever. So I'd go to my closet, changing my clothes, get in my car. I was so thankful to whip off that mask because I felt like I needed to breathe. And I got in the car and I called my husband Jonathan and told him, you know, just had a biopsy. And he's like, really? And, uh, you know, I, I really didn't feel particularly worried about it. I mean, the speed with which they did that all definitely concerned me, but I wasn't freaking out, which is interesting for me because, um, I'm, I'm tend to be an anxious person. I've talked about that. I don't freak out outwardly that often, but yeah, we tend to be an anxious person and I was, you know, surprised that I wasn't feeling a little bit more anxious than one would think under the circumstances. And I remember thinking, you know, should I, should I tell my family about this? And I was like, initially I was like, well, I'm not going to tell them why worry anybody on the needlessly. But then I was like, well, if it turns out that it is something you don't want to be like, all of them, no guess what, right. Like I have cancer. So I didn't want to do that. Anybody, which I'm pretty sure at this point was not going to happen, but I just felt like, you know what, I'll just let them know. I texted my family and I said, you know, I just had this biopsy it's yeah. The same area that I looked at last, you know, six months ago, I'm sh it's probably nothing how the results early next week. So this was Friday. And so it was going to be through the weekend that we'd hope for the results Monday afternoon, but I didn't actually know for sure when we were going to get them. Um, and honestly like through the weekend, I thought about it and I, wouldn't not going to, certainly not going to suggest I didn't think about it, but he didn't really lose sleep over it. It wasn't feeling overly anxious. And I really just kind of went through the weekend. And then I remember Friday, no, sorry. Monday Jonathan was home. Ironically, he was home Monday and Tuesday of that week, which was so weird because he never has random days off. And I don't even fully remember why he was home that day, but he was, and, um, we're cooking dinner together kind of just, you know, hanging out Monday, late afternoon, early evening, a little after five, starting dinner, maybe closer to six. Um, and the phone rings and I can tell by the number that it's the doctor. So I, you know, I, I pick it up and I pick it up and I walked out of the kitchen cause its stove is on and it's kind of loud. And I walked out of the kitchen into the living room and I was like, I was like, hello? And she said, hi, Wendy. Um, it's, you know, Dr. So-and-so. I said, I said, hi. And she said, do have a few minutes. And immediately, um, immediately I knew this was not going to be good news. And I sat down on the chair and she said, I know this, isn't what you want to hear, but I am sorry to say that, um, your biopsy was positive for cancer and it's grade one invasive ductal carcinoma. And even sort of thinking about that moment now, you really don't know how you're going to feel when someone says something like that to you, you think about it throughout your life, during little scares here and there, but I can tell you, like, I, I was just kind of shocked that this, that it was that because I had been so assured that it was nothing and made to feel like it was nothing so many times, even though in my gut, I guess I kind of knew it wasn't nothing at this point, Jonathan came into the room and I, I sat down, I remember my, my body just kind of, you know, hunching over. Like I couldn't breathe without kind of, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I, I just felt my body kind of deflate. And he came in and I quickly put it on speaker because I needed him to hear what she was saying because I no longer could take anything in. And, um, I will share with you in the upcoming episodes, what we did next and how we've approached this and how I'm doing. And, and I plan to share with you my journey through, through this, because I guess maybe for me, it's my way of, I don't know if some finding something, you know, good or positive needing something positive to come out of that, this, and maybe that's just sharing my experience and sharing information with people that might help them one day on their journey. Um, so I, I plan to do that with you and to take you through my experience in navigating this very, very, um, you know, scary time, even though we know breast cancer is so, uh, treatable these days, you know, it's just still, obviously when it happens to you, scary, what I want you to take away from this episode is the understanding that had I not said what I said to the doctor after she handed me my, you know, clean bill of health from that mammogram had, I just said, okay, thanks and walked out. I would've walked out and I wouldn't have gone back for another six months. And you know, it, it's hard to know what would have, how this would have progressed in that time. And it is only because I spoke up about that long, even though everybody told me it was nothing, the pain is normal. It doesn't mean anything bad, even though all those people reassured me. I, I knew in my gut something wasn't right. And I think even though I say I hadn't been worried about it, clearly there was something inside me that was still anxious about this and led me to speak up and say, so you know that area, what do you think about that? And thank God I did. And thank God she listened to me. Um, a lot of doctors might have dismissed me. A lot of women for various reasons may have been dismissed. They had just gotten a mammogram that was perfectly clean and, um, may have been dismissed. And so I give my doctor a lot of credit for not dismissing me and listening to me, but I also give myself a lot of credit for saying it. And I know a lot of women are so desperate to hear the good news that they don't take the time to say what they're worried about. And they just want to so much believe that it's nothing bad it's going to happen and nothing is wrong, that they, they pushed down those feelings and those thoughts and those words, and they don't say them. And I'm here to encourage you to always advocate for yourself even when they make you feel like you might be crazy. Um, you know, and I don't know why that ultrasound back in January, that where I w when I was really worried, I don't actually know why that was normal. I haven't had the opportunity yet to go back and look at it and see that rapport and ask those questions. I definitely will, because I need to understand why it wasn't picked up. Um, it was definitely, we now know, was there, this did not grow that quickly, so we know it was there. So I definitely have some research to do, but, um, I just want to sh wanted to share that with you in as real time as possible, because, um, you know, it is so important for us as women to advocate for ourselves and to, to trust our bodies. And we have to know and believe that we know better than any of the doctors and any of the scientists. Science is not perfect, and they don't know our bodies as well as we do. And so we have to always speak up and advocate when we know something is not right now. I also caution people a little bit because we all can have a little hypochondriac in us as well. And, you know, I, I can be like that too. And that actually makes that very hard for me now, because now I kind of feel like, well, everyone, I didn't think I was crazy. Everybody told me I was crazy, so I no longer worried about it. And when I stopped worrying about it and it turns out it was actually something to worry about and I should have known, I should have pushed more back then. And the best I can say about that is, you know, listen, we really just have to use the facts and data that we have at any point in time to educate our decisions and our, our actions and use that data to do the best we can, you know, we can worry about all these things. And I think that the test for me is to run through that evidence and data against those thoughts to really pick out what's true, and what's not to help educate you on what, what your next steps and actions should be. Um, but I am so thankful that I spoke up and while I am obviously very, um, upset by the diagnosis and, um, it is going to suck to go through. I am very optimistic based on what we have learned about the diagnosis that it is, um, based on all the information we have very treatable, and there is no reason to believe at this point that I will have anything other than a successful positive outcome. So there, there is all of that, and I am trying to keep it all in perspective. So I wanted to share this with you. I hope you will stay tuned and, um, uh, you know, go on this journey with me. I'm sure it's going to be hard and painful but important. Um, I is also not lost on me. I'm actually recording this on October 1st, which is the first day of, um, breast cancer awareness month. And so I suppose there couldn't be a more poignant time to do this. So, um, stay tuned and thank you all as always

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