I’m Recording The Words I Wish My Dad Heard

Seven years can pass in a blink, and still leave you standing in the same spot emotionally, holding one sentence you wish you’d said differently. Tonight, I’m sharing something personal: the goodbye I didn’t fully give my dad when everything was happening fast and shock made my love come out too small. If you’ve ever replayed a final moment, or wondered why your “I love you” didn’t sound like you, you’ll understand this one.

I walk through what I remember from those hours, what I wanted him to know, and the words I’ve carried since. I speak a letter out loud that includes gratitude for the fight through surgeries, radiation, and chemotherapy, sorrow for his suffering, and the promise that we will stay strong and stay connected. I also talk about why I tried to hold it together for him, and how becoming a parent later changed the way I see what it means to leave your child behind.

This is a short, heavy, honest listen about grief, end-of-life moments, and creating your own closure when you can’t change the past. If there’s someone you never got to say goodbye to, I share a simple ritual you can try: record the words anyway, not because they’ll hear it, but because you will. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review telling me what one line you’d want in your own goodbye.

Thanks for listening coffee with a twist.

Email me at: coffeewitatwist@gmail.com

Note: I don’t own copyrights to any music you hear in any of my episodes. 

Transcript

Welcome And Why I’m Here

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back to Coffee with a Twist. You're here with Madame Bellou. I hope you guys are having a great week, a great day. Looking forward to your weekend. I'm not gonna keep you guys long. I just really had something on my mind. My dad, um, April 15th yesterday marked seven years that my dad has left this earth, and um I'm I'm okay. You know, it's nothing crazy or anything like that. Um I'm actually okay. Um it sucks. I miss him daily, even though this is like an anniversary in a sense of his death date. It's just more I'm bringing acknowledgement to it for

Seven Years Since My Dad

SPEAKER_00 0:52

a couple of reasons. One, it's like, damn, it's been seven years, and I sit there and I find myself thinking back like seven years, it goes so fast, and if he were still here, how would this seven years have been? You know, just more of the how life would be with him in it. Um, and then as I was sitting here, um I don't have many regrets, but I do wish I would have given him a better goodbye statement or saying. I feel I didn't give him a heartfelt goodbye. Does that make sense? He was, even though he couldn't talk back to me, he could hear me and understand me. And I did tell tell him my goodbyes and that I loved him, but I don't feel it was very heartfelt. I felt like it was almost a checkbox. I think I was in such shock that it probably didn't come off very loving.

The Goodbye I Wish I Said

SPEAKER_00 2:05

So I got on here because I think I want to share what I think, what I wish I would have said. And I know he doesn't get to hear it, but it makes me feel better. And thank you guys for listening. So, I mean, this as you can see, the type of episode this is. Um, honestly, I'm gonna just share what I felt my thoughts and my statement should have been to him and close out. This is gonna be a quick episode, and um, you know, maybe even for yourself, if there's someone that you didn't get to say goodbye to, maybe make yourself a voice recording, call yourself and make a recording. Again, they might not hear it, but it may make you feel good. Um, but the here's mine.

Reading My Letter To Him

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Uh, when I got the news about my dad, I was there, and when things turned for the worse, before he was truly unconscious, he was still alert. And um, I told him my goodbyes and told him what was happening. Mainly, I just really wanted him to know what was about to happen. I wanted him to have an understanding that unfortunately this was the end of the road for him and us. So I wanted to make sure he was aware of that. He was, and he was, I think, ready for that. He was miserable. So what I wish I would have said is, Daddy, you know I love you very much, and I just want you to know how proud I am of you doing these treatments and trying any and everything that you could to stick around with us and to stick around with me even longer. I know it was hard, tough. I know it was some of the treatments you didn't even want to continue, but you still did it for me. You've had three surgeries, you've had countless radiation, chemotherapy, and I'm thank you, and I'm so proud of you that you fought for me. I'm so sorry that you had to do any suffering, and I hate it even more that you have to leave us. Me being a parent, it is hard. I'm sure it's very hard to leave your children, especially when you know you're leaving your children. But I just want you to know that we are here, we are strong, and we will continue, we will stay in contact. I know that is a big deal for you, that your kids are together and talking. You always wanted your kids together, so we will continue that relationship. I know how much you love your children, how much you love your grandchildren, and thank you. Thank you for the fight, thank you for being my father. Thank you for loving me, and I just want you to know how much I extremely love you, and please don't feel guilty for having to leave us. I want you to have peace. I want you to go to the heavens with your mother, your father. I want you to be here with me, of course, but I don't want you to suffer the way you've been suffering. I know that you're miserable. And I hate that this is the end of the line, and I hate that this is the way that you had to leave us and that you had to suffer. I love you. I will always think of you. You'll always be with me. And that would have been my goodbye. Um, I did not say all of those words. I really wish I could have. I was like I said, I was in such shock, even though, you know, was like, oh man, this is really happening.

Why I Stayed Strong

SPEAKER_00 7:25

And um, I found myself still trying to be strong. I didn't want to break down for him. Um, I guess I didn't want him to feel bad. I mean, what he was going through was truly out of his control. I'm sure if he could have been here with me, he would have. And me being a parent, I look at things so different than I did when I wasn't a parent. And as a parent, even though you know the circle of life, my dad was young. Still had, you know, grandkids you want to see, you know, grow. Children, his own kids want to see continue growing their milestones. So I am so sure leaving me was hard. Um, so I didn't want him to feel bad that he had to go. Not saying he would have, I just felt like I had to stay strong for him and you know, still wanted to make sure he had an understanding about what the next steps were, you know, what was gonna happen next. That there's no more life-saving measures. We're just gonna make you comfortable and you're gonna ease into the heavens. So that's what I did. Um I did, you know, say a goodbye. But uh was it heartfelt at the time? Yeah. I wish, like I said, I would have said even more while he was conscious and could squeeze my hand, could blink, could shake his head yes and no. Because by the time he got into hospice he couldn't shake his head l yes and no. But um yeah. I was with my dad through his whole ordeal. And um yeah, things happen for a reason. They really do. Putting me in that mindset, I guess, of like being alert and um understanding body language, etc., is it's a big deal. So

Record Your Own Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 10:10

yeah, I'm thankful for it. Even though it sucks, I I can't imagine leaving my child. I know one day it's gonna happen. My prayers, it's many years from now. Um, I struggle every day with trying to be a better me, a healthier me. And um, yeah, but yeah, that's really all I wanted to get on here for today. Or should I say tonight? I didn't have much to talk about, but this was heavy on my mind, and it could be because the anniversary of my father, but um, yeah, if you have any goodbyes that you want to redo for yourself, for yourself, send yourself a recording, make a note, something. I think it'll make you feel good. It just made me feel good. So thank you guys for listening. Sorry, it's no real topic. This is just really, I'm putting it out there. It's just, you know, you guys getting to know me more, that's all. So, as always, thank you for listening. Madam Balou, Coffee with a Twist.