Anyone who has ever taken a flight can recognize this phrase from the initial safety briefing, but it’s that second part that always gets me thinking. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others. Even in the direst of situations, when our instinct might be to reach out and help our loved ones, it is imperative we help ourselves first. Why? Because if this were to happen on a flight, we simply would not be able to assist anyone else if we had not properly secured our own masks first.
Of course, this is a harrowing and unlikely example. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of us will never be placed in such an in-flight emergency. However, the metaphor nonetheless can easily translate to our day-to-day lives, as well. Many of us may struggle to ‘secure our own masks’- to care for ourselves amidst caring for the people around us.
I find that this is especially true for women, as we tend to take on more providing roles. I’ve witnessed this with my mother, who has, on top of her accounting career, also worn various other hats. As early as I can remember, she has been my personal baker, packing for me eggless desserts any time classmates celebrated their birthdays and I couldn’t eat what everyone else was enjoying. She was my very own organizer through middle and high school, being actively involved in all of my extracurriculars and keeping track of my dance lessons, school meetings, and everything else in between. And it isn’t just with me — she so naturally takes care of everyone around her. She is a selfless master chef, always catering to the family’s picky palates and trying to convince us “she’s not even hungry” when there’s only one slice of pizza left and someone else wants it. She remembers our entire family and friend groups’ birthdays and anniversaries without a Facebook notification. She is our very own at-home doctor (is there anything a little bit of her turmeric remedy can’t fix?) and my favorite personal stylist (will I ever learn to put on a sari?) Her natural tendency has always been to put my family and me first — and herself, last.
I think this is the case for many mothers, whose limits of self-sacrifice seem to know no bounds. Self-care is a concept unfamiliar to them because their love language is providing for those around them. Reflecting, I find that I, too, grapple with this, albeit not to the same extent. I now hold various identities — daughter, sister, friend — and I value maintaining these relationships and expressing my care for the people around me. So how can I reconcile this innate desire to take care of others first while still balancing taking care of me too? Can I really show up as the best version of myself for others if I don’t take the time to care for myself first?
Ironically, when my energy is exhausted, it affects my interpersonal relationships, and I’m not even my best self around the people I love. I’ve experienced burnout multiple times over the past few years, which has led to reduced mental effectiveness, anxiety, and frustration. Through these experiences, I’ve grown to understand that self-care is a necessity.
We often see the word “self-care” tossed around on social media. Self-care can mean different things for different people. For some, putting on a face mask and relaxing in the hot tub after a long day is self-care. For others, getting in a daily morning workout is their form of self-care. Yet, for others, connecting with loved ones regularly serves this function. Personally, though, spiritual self-care is perhaps the most significant self-care ritual in my life. Spirituality has always been an integral component of my life, as my faith cements my sense of purpose and being. Since I was a young girl, my spirituality has been my anchor, guiding me through the ups and downs of life. It is only natural, then, that if spirituality guides me in all other areas of life, I integrate spirituality into my self-care, as well.
And if I asked you to name all the things you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?
I recently came across this quote and was struck by it. If asked to make such a list, I’d certainly think about all the people who I cherish in my life; I don’t know that I’d think of myself. And yet, the relationship we each have with ourselves is the most important of all. Think about it: our whole inner world, for the entirety of our existence, is nothing but a continuous conversation with ourselves. It is the most intimate relationship we have. I cannot begin to know and understand others unless I take the time to know myself first. That is why my spiritual self-care ritual is centered on introspection.
Introspection has long been used in psychology as a means by which to examine one’s thoughts and emotions to increase self-awareness. Yet, research has shown that ineffective introspection can actually do more harm than good. Dr. Tasha Eurich, organizational psychologist and New York Times best-seller, has found that our brains can mislead us if we ask ourselves only why questions during introspection. Why questions can uncover unhelpful or unproductive answers. It can also lead to fixating on our problems rather than moving forward healthily. Dr. Eurich uses a tool called “What not Why” to explain the difference between the types of questions we ask ourselves in introspection:
“Why questions can draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.”
In the Hindu faith, introspection, known as antardrashti, is a critical component of a spiritual journey. In the BAPS scripture, the Satsang Diksha, Mahant Swami Maharaj has written:
“With a composed mind, one should introspect every day: “What have I come to accomplish in this world and what am I doing?” (Shloka 145).
Mahant Swami Maharaj’s what question comprises the heart of my spiritual self-care. Reflecting on my values in this way helps me to understand what drives me and then analyze whether my daily actions are in alignment.
My legal profession is such that, by nature of our work, I am often surrounded by people who are a bit more aggressive and brash. Recently, while working in a pro bono clinical legal setting, I was told by a supervisor that I am “too nice” in my client interactions. Hearing their comment, I felt pressured to adopt a more forceful demeanor, even though it didn’t feel right for me. Because this hardened disposition was not natural to me, I became anxious and my client interactions felt theatrical, which negatively impacted my rapport with my clients. Ultimately, neither they nor I felt at ease.
Introspecting on that incident now, I ask myself, “What have I come to accomplish?” Of course, I want to climb the corporate ladder and aspire for a successful legal career. But ultimately, when I think about my purpose and journey in life, I reflect on my Guru Pramukh Swami Maharaj’s maxim: “In the joy of others lies our own.” I recognize that following in his footsteps — by being kind in my interactions with others and creating joy for others — is paramount to me. That is what I want to accomplish in this world. With my clients, I want them to feel comfortable sharing vulnerable, intimate details of their lives with me. To cultivate this kind of trust, I want to be gentle in my conversations with them.
Of course, I could adopt the stereotypical traits of the profession to fit in outwardly. But, I would rather hold on to being soft because that is what matters to me. When I choose the latter in serving my clients, I feel more confident and at ease. My connection with clients is stronger when I come from a place of tender care. When I know my value of gentleness and hold onto it in professional situations, I am able to show up as my most authentic self in these spaces. In this way, spiritual self-care has cemented the way I view and conduct myself in these settings, which has enhanced how I serve and relate with others. As a South Asian American woman in an untraditional profession, my spiritual self-care has helped ground me and ensure that I am not adopting behavior that conflicts with my core values and identity.
If you think you don’t have time for this kind of introspection, think again. Spiritual self-care is not merely an option; it is a necessity. If we don’t have the time to analyze our relationship with ourselves, we will never reach the zenith of our relationships with others. How many times a day do we hear or say the phrase, “I’m so tired”? Sometimes the kind of tiredness we feel isn’t the type that a good night’s rest can mend. Sometimes, the exhaustion we feel is more a spiritual void, from feeling like our actions are not grounded in who we are and what matters to us.
Next time you feel drained in such a moment, tired in an intangible sense, look inwards and assess your relationship with yourself. Ask yourself what questions: What makes me feel fulfilled? What motivates me? What nourishes my soul? Then, evaluate your responses to better build your interpersonal relationships around them. Commit to securing your own mask first. The people around you will thank you for it. More importantly, you’ll thank yourself, too.
As women, we often believe that we have infinite resilience, and perhaps we do. Yet, when making that list of all the people we need to take care of, we must also learn to include ourselves in that category. This type of practice in self-care can be the balancing force to complement our resilience. Here’s to reflective, resilient, and radiant women. In honor of International Women’s Day, may we know them, may we honor them, may we be them.