In this episode of the Edvolution Podcast with host, Shireen Jaffer, Carlita tells us why she ended an 18-year marriage and shares the journey that led to this life-changing decision. Carlita also talks about navigating the world of new challenges after her divorce, from overcoming financial insecurity to dealing with a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.
About Carlita:
Carlita L. Coley is a licensed Professional Counselor in Virginia with 10 years of experience providing mental health services to women and youth. As the founder of theFosteringYOUInitiative, LLC, Carlita works to educate and empower women to find their voice; “I aim to help women and young girls rebuild their confidence, and their lives, after tragedy and despite adversity.”
In this episode of the Edvolution Podcast with host, Shireen Jaffer, Carlita tells us why she ended an 18-year marriage and shares the journey that led to this life-changing decision. Carlita also talks about navigating the world of new challenges after her divorce, from overcoming financial insecurity to dealing with a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.
About Carlita:
Carlita L. Coley is a licensed Professional Counselor in Virginia with 10 years of experience providing mental health services to women and youth. As the founder of theFosteringYOUInitiative, LLC, Carlita works to educate and empower women to find their voice; “I aim to help women and young girls rebuild their confidence, and their lives, after tragedy and despite adversity.”
Shireen Jaffer 0:00
Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Edvolution podcast where we question what makes our life truly ours. I'm Shireen Jaffer, and I'm very excited to introduce you to some incredible people with fascinating stories. Before we get into our conversation today, I want to say how incredible it has been over these past few weeks meeting these very real people with real, brave stories. Thank you to all our guests who have spent the time with us. Thank you all all the listeners out there that have tuned in and listened and emailed me and shared your thoughts. If you and I haven't talked yet, please reach out if you have any thoughts, feedback, or simply want to talk about any of the episodes or anything else really. I'm available on pretty much every social media, as well as my email is available at shireen@edvo.com. And if you've enjoyed listening and tuning in these past few weeks, please leave a review on Apple podcasts or any other service that you're using? Let's raise awareness for these stories that we're putting out there for anyone who needs to hear them during this time. Thank you all. And now let's get get back to the show. I've got Carlita Coley here with me who I again, this is the first time I'm talking to her, as it has been with the majority of the guests we've had on this podcast. I'm very excited to learn more about her and her story. Carlita, thank you so much for being here. It's really good to just start getting to know you.
Carlita Coley 1:36
But thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.
Shireen Jaffer 1:38
Yeah, so let's get into it. I know in the text messages that we shared, you had mentioned that you had ended an 18 year marriage just a handful of years ago and have done quite a different thing since then. So let's just you know, go all the way back to when You were growing up? What was success? Really? like for you? What was how was it defined for you? How did you grow up? And how did that impact the way you chose to live your life in your early adulthood?
Defining Success (2:13)
Carlita Coley 2:13
Well, success for me was the opposite of everything that I grew up with. My mom was a single mom. We were raised in the projects. And there wasn't like a lot of ambition that I noticed in the atmosphere. And I always from an early age, knew that I wanted more that I wanted better. And I think in my little innocent mind, I figured that if I just did the opposite of everything I saw my mom do, then I would come out with a different life. She got married when I was like 10 or 11 and had two more children. But life still wasn't, you know, the best and so I concluded that, you know, when I had children, all, all of my children would have the same father. I completely I've been married before I, you know, had sex, I would go to college, I would, you know, increase my education. Because I saw that as a way out. I have friends that were more fluent than I was. And that seemed to be the method to their family's success. And so I just emulated what I saw and some of my closest friends.
Shireen Jaffer 3:21
Interesting. So you know, you What made you want to define success differently for you? What are some experiences that that you had growing up that impacted that mindset in you as a young kid?
Carlita Coley 3:39
Like I said, it was just the things the way my environment made me feel. Like I said, My mom had four children by three different men. And when she married my younger siblings, Father, there was a complete difference in the way that we were treated like they would go out with their little nuclear family. And my older sister now will live home alone. And I hate it the way did that made me feel. So like I said, All My Children will have the same father. And just the fact that we couldn't really do a whole lot, we move frequently, partly because, you know, every time the rent went up, you know, we had to find a cheaper place. And I didn't like that I saw friends that like, had houses and like, lived in the same house for our, you know, entire school career. And I wanted that. And like I said, it's just looking at the things that my friends had that I didn't, it just kind of considered what they had to be success. More so than what I had experienced.
Shireen Jaffer 4:42
Yeah, I really thank you for sharing that. I wanted to highlight that because I often find people asking me especially ever since I started this podcast, right, the entire essence has been to people who are going through major life changes, choosing to, you know, a very different life. Giving them the motivation and the reassurance that hey, you're not alone. But then there's the other side where there's a lot of people that say, I'm so inspired by the stories, but, you know, how do I know that this life is informed me? And how do I know that I need to change my definition of success? And one of the one of the things I tell them is, well, how does it make you feel? How does your life currently make you feel? And I think feelings of misalignment starting at a very young age like they did for you, Carlita, you know, you knew that you didn't feel good. So you knew you may not have known what success was for you, but you knew it wasn't what you were feeling in that moment. It had to be of that. So I just wanted to highlight that and again, thank you for sharing. Okay, so, now you understand, you know, this, I don't want to do the same things my mom did. I want to do something different. The opposite. So tell me about some decisions you made, maybe in your teenage years, or you know, your early adulthood that were influenced by this mindset of yours.
Carlita Coley 6:13
Yeah, well, I spent high, my high school years, you know, I didn't date because I was also raised in a very Christian household. And when I say very Christian, I mean, like, we couldn't wear pants, we put on makeup, we couldn't wear earrings, we could go to the movies, it was like really super religious. And somehow I was able to separate my mom from my faith, even though she's the one who introduced me to it. So I didn't really date because I want it there to be purpose in whatever relationship that I, you know, entered into. And so it wasn't until I met my children's father, when I was in college, actually, that he was, you know, my first and only boyfriend and we got married. And so that was different in the sense that I was at the time I was looking to date. with a purpose. And then, because my mom, she was very aggressive, outspoken, she kind of, you know, dominated the house and my stepfather. I never liked that dynamic. I never liked how it felt. And so I purposely try to be more of a submissive type person, kind of, you know, letting me guess what our religion taught as well, kind of letting my husband lead, you know, make the financial decisions, you know, decide where we live and things like that. And I did that for a long time, but that didn't make me feel good, either. And so it was towards the end of our marriage that I realized that by me trying to do the exact opposite of everything that my mom did. That wasn't right for me either. And so I had to find something in the middle. And while I'm doing that, it kind of led to the divorce. Because when I Well, from my perspective, I'm sure he has a different one. But from my perspective, it's like when I began to speak up and say, Hey, I don't like this, hey, I don't agree with this. That's when we started to have real problems. When I started questioning things that I've noticed with their finances, or, you know, I disagreed with the way, you know, he was parenting our kids and I verbalized it. You know, it was a tremendous shift in the dynamic of our relationship, and it caused a lot of arguments. And then we ended up deciding to do live separately. Because I feel bad.
Shireen Jaffer 8:40
Right? I think, well, I want to unpack that because that happened over eighteen years, right? So I really want to unpack that and go deeper. If if you're okay with that. So, you know, first of all, I think what you called out again, was, and we briefly talked about this a few minutes ago, you need You didn't want what your mom had. But you also didn't necessarily know what you want it. Right? Right. And so you entered this relationship very intentional, of course about your partner and, and knowing that it will be different from your mom. But then very quickly, also realizing, or maybe it wasn't so quickly, I'm assuming that and we can talk about that but realizing the relationship or certain aspects of it still didn't make you feel good. So just highlighting again, the feelings, right. I think people totally undermine the feeling of misalignment or that, you know, sometimes you just feel achy. Sometimes you feel like this isn't right. Sometimes you feel like this. This doesn't allow you to be happy or just feel see yourself and the vision that you have for yourself, right. I think anytime there's misalignment in what you want to feel versus what you're actually feeling Feeling like lean into that and understand why you're feeling that way. So currently the let's unpack and tell me, when did you actually develop that awareness? When for you? Was it super early in your relationship? Or did it happen? 10 years later? Like, when did those feelings really start coming up? And then when did you start leaning into those feelings and asking yourself, wait, why do I feel this way? And was there a time when you knew you didn't feel good? But you avoided like facing those feelings? Tell me a little bit more about that process for you.
Marriage, Faith, and Children (10:40)
Carlita Coley 10:40
Yeah, well, I kind of felt felted early on, but again, I wasn't. I didn't allow myself to fully feel what I was feeling. Part of it was like I said, I had never dated before, strictly religious background. So I didn't even get to experience those, you know, relationship. things that people experience to be able to identify, like what they want. I just assumed as long as you know, he was a Christian, then he was a man, then that was enough. All I needed was loving Jesus. That's it. Um, but what I realized very quickly after we got married, was that I added, I needed a little bit more than loving Jesus. I was not, my childhood was, you know, pretty abusive. And there was no affection, whether it be physical or verbal. And so I realized early on in my marriage, that that was something I needed. I needed physical affection, physical, non sexual affection, words of affirmation, I needed attention. And my husband grew up in a very different type of environment where there wasn't a lot of emotional nurturing, or physical touch. And so our connection didn't ever feel good to me. But I had already made the commitment to him and to God. And so I was like, Okay, I'm Going to make this work because like I said, my faith was very important to me at the time. And so it was not something that well, I did kind of verbalize it to him in the beginning. But he responded so viscerally like, in hurt and anger as a good reminder of my, you know, I kind of like tried to take it back, and just continued on as if everything was fine when really it was not. Um, and so I carried that for I want to say a good 10 to 15 years. I think what started to break me was when my children, you know, got a little older. So, their father and I had this agreement that I would not correct him in public, like if he says something or do something that you know, I didn't like or whatever, I wouldn't say it to him in front of people or in front of kids that will go talk about it behind closed doors, and then that would be that And I did that for years. But particularly when it came to my children, I never saw a change, you know, he will talk to them a certain way or do something or punish them a certain way. And then I will bite my tongue and then wait to in the bedroom and say, Hey, you know, maybe you shouldn't do this. Or maybe you should do this a different way. Or, you know, this triggered me from my childhood and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through blah, blah, blah. He's a gay Yeah. And then we go back out, and he do the same thing again. And that used to kill me and I just one day, I think I snapped and that I was like, okay, so if I were to die today, my children will grow up thinking that I agree with everything their father is saying or doing because they don't see me, you know, disagreeing with him behind closed doors that are that I'm not okay. So do I want my children to grow up thinking that I'm okay with this? And the answer of course, was no. And so because it was my children because I wanted them to have such a Different life in such a different experience. And because I had tried for many, many, many years to correct him in private, hoping he would change in public and he didn't, I then started to say, hey, like, that's not cool, or please don't talk to him like that, or, you know, we're not going to do this, like in front of the kids. And that really upset him. And you know, and that's what that thing that was like the beginning of the end for us, because he was like, how dare you, you know, undermine my authority? You know, you're turning the keys against me, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, No, like, I'm not. I just don't want them to have certain experiences. Like if you would have just listened to me when I was in bedroom, I wouldn't have to say it in front of them. But I felt like my hand was forced and I said, I can't the kids are getting older, like, I can't, I'm not going to be okay. If they grow up thinking that this is okay, because it's not. Um, and so that was that was the beginning of me in being honest about how I feel and how I felt rather and what I wanted and then I think the more I did that, the more I started, you know, noticing other things where I was trying to be, you know, The Good Wife be submissive, you know, keep the peace. And I'm like, Yeah, no, this is not okay. Either. This is not okay, either. And like I said, it was just kind of like the beginning of the end.
Shireen Jaffer 15:16
Wow. Yeah. That, that it's so interesting. So, do you feel like you're a therapist now? Right? Do I remember that correctly?
Carlita Coley 15:26
Yes, I am.
Shireen Jaffer 15:28
So as a therapist, um, specially as a woman, therapist, this notion, this dynamic of, you know, do not call me out in public, right? This is something actually I'm South Asian. And as a woman, I've seen a lot in relationships with, you know, like my relatives like I, my parents, like, you know, it's a value that they hold really deeply as we do not fight in front of each, you know, in front of other people, including our kids. And behind closed doors, we work out our arguments. And on one hand, it's healthy in the sense that, you know, you don't want to have conflict, but when the conflict is standing up for your kids, right, and advocating for them and showing them that they've got one person in their corner that wants the best for them, and once it doesn't agree with any sort of, you know, malpractice or abuse or whatever it may be like, that also is healthy being able to see that so, do you feel like this is a cultural thing? Or do you feel like this is more of a gender thing? Like what what what is your perspective on this value in general?
Carlita Coley 16:41
I think it's a combination. Like I said, My children father and I, we grew up in very, you know, Pentecostal holiness, Christian churches. And so that's very, you know, patriarchal, you know, men, you know, the head, you know, their protector, and so, you know, religious I was taught since I was a child, you know, that I was to honor my husband. Um, but then I think, as African American, both my children's father and our African American, there is this need to make our men feel good because they have to, you know, experience so much injustice and just traumatic things like outside of the home, home needs to be the place where he feels like King. So your success, you know, if you can make your man feel like a king, so between the religion and the, you know, African American culture, I think it was just a combination of the two, both cultures of which at the time I held very near and dear to my heart, they were like a part of my identity. So I think that's what allowed me or help me to remain silent about certain things for so long. Because it wasn't just Um, you know, like I said, I mean about a God to be a certain way. And I took that seriously.
Shireen Jaffer 18:06
Yeah. So you know, you've mentioned that multiple times with both your faith and obviously now your culture, things that you kept very dear to your heart, or used to keep dear to your heart. So when did your perspective or your relationship with your culture and your faith change? When did it start changing? And how did that impact the way you chose to live your life?
Spiritual Crisis and Divorce (18:32)
Carlita Coley 18:32
I think, um, it was partly when I was in grad school, so I didn't go straight through like typical normal people. I actually, you know, graduated from high school, went off to college, but I had to withdraw, like my junior year in undergraduate because I was just going through a lot emotionally and financially and I was paying for my own school and it was just a lot. So I withdrew with the intention of getting my stuff together, get my money together, then I was gonna move back, but in that time, In that time out of school, I ended up meeting my children's father getting married to him. And then I had three kids and four and a half years. And so I just kind of put school on the back burner until my baby was old enough to go to preschool and went back to school and got my bachelor's degree, worked for a little bit and then went back to graduate school. And so it was in graduate school that I started learning about what they call a spiritual crisis. We learned about spirituality throughout you know, the generations and things but there was talking about spiritual crisis and I realized that I felt like I was beginning to go through that because I had a family member who came out to me as gay and as like a huge no no no church and an even huge no no in the African American community. And even huge a no no in the family. Um, but because I love this person. And they were good people and you know, just kind of made me question certain things that You know, I had held thought to be true. I didn't want to discriminate against this person, like this was a good person who they slept with, like, that didn't matter. So that started me to question what I believed. And then later on, I had an issue in the church actually with a church leader, where I was, I guess, I was, he attempted to seduce me. And this is again, someone who I considered like a spiritual father. And so for that situation to have happened, I again, I started questioning leadership, I started questioning everything that you know, I had ever been told. I'm like, like, What is wrong? And so it was just a combination of those two things that really had me sit back and question, why is it that I believe what I believe? Is it because somebody said it so passionately, and they convinced me or is it because this is what I truly believe? And so then I just started looking at just different things in my life that will suggest that my core beliefs were slightly different than the religion that I profess to love so much. I love people just general didn't matter what race didn't matter what gender, um, homosexuals, lesbians transgender, like, I wouldn't turn my nose up at them like, my people in my Christian social circle would win gay rights was Barack Obama had you know, did the green rights thing? Yeah, finally, you know, my friends can love who they want to love, but then everyone else in my circles like, Oh, this is horrible. This is the end of days. Now my you know, I mean, so I was like, okay, maybe I don't espouse these values as much as I thought I did. Because it's like, I didn't feel 100% like I fully belonged in the church because deep down my beliefs was different. But then I didn't feel like I belong in the world either because my beliefs were different. And so I just really struggling Okay, where do I fit in spirits with them like who are my people? So I've just I've actually kind of still been on that journey of like, I mean, I still believe in God. Um, because I believe when especially when I go out in nature, like I went to the Grand Canyon, when you look at, you know, the the mountains and the trees and just in nature, like I can't envision that this just came to life just by accident. Like, I feel like some intelligent being creator had to do this. And so I'm focused more on how my spirit connects to that energy force, as opposed to like, rigid rules and things that I was taught in Christianity, because I just don't see the love and the compassion and the grace that we are supposed to be demonstrating to the world I just didn't see. And, though, yeah,
Shireen Jaffer 22:45
yeah, I think well, one, I'm, I'm sorry to hear that you had those experiences within your community. And it's, I can, yeah, I mean, I think those experiences obviously, get you questioning. Quite, quite significantly, I think what's something you mentioned that really stood out again, is values, right? Really ensuring that your values, align values that make you feel whole and good and give you the confidence in your belief sets, those values must align with the community you choose to belong in so deeply, right. And I found that just even in my relationships, it's really hard for me to have constructive, beautiful aligned relationships. If our values aren't the same as someone is driven by something very different, something that I, you know, completely don't agree with. It's hard to build a relationship that makes you feel good. So I can't even imagine being part of a community where on multiple values you don't agree, right. And it's and it's more than just about agreement. It's, it's like, you will pose Right. I think it's not even just different values. It's like you truly opposed those. And I think that's a huge indicator of, Hey, you got to start questioning, and I loved how you put a Carlita up. Do I believe like, why do I believe that things I believe in? Is it because someone just so passionately brought them to my attention and, and they had charisma? And it was very hard for me to say no, and people around me that I love also believed in it. So why should I write? And I think that's where a lot of belief sets do start at a young age. It starts from groupthink. It starts from social proof, it starts from while everyone else is doing it, and they seem to be happy. So, you know, why should I believe in it? And when you dig deeper, you realize people themselves are going through their own dissonance in their heads, and some have spoken up and chosen a different path while others have chosen to stay for Different reasons. So I really wanted to highlight that and again, thank you for sharing. So you mentioned you know, you're obviously on your journey now, still kind of redefining your faith and your relationships with the different cultures. So, tell me a little bit now you know you what, ultimately going back to your marriage. You spoke up you started asking more questions you realize, whoa me speaking up for myself is actually not empowered. And I think that's something I wanted to highlight initially. I often tell people to look at how people react. Look at how people react the people around you look at how they react when you start showing up for yourself. And when you start commanding your space, and if people around you are loving it and empowering it encouraging and actually making more space and employees Find that, you know you showing up for yourself amazing, beautiful, but if people around you are threatened by it, if they are discouraging it if they are telling you, ah, this isn't the right space for you, or you shouldn't be showing up in this way, or whatever it may be. And I'm assuming this is unfortunately the experience you went through with your ex husband. If that is what's happening, those are very clear red flags. So tell me a little bit about you know, you You said you guys started getting into arguments but ultimately what led you not what led you to end the relationship but what like, when did you finally say enough is enough? We are we are we are going our separate ways.
A Defining Moment (26:51)
Carlita Coley 26:51
And essentially funny, um, you know, had been unhappy for years and I had wanted to leave but like I said, I had made about God. I'm And it's funny, my best moment, he didn't really do anything in particular. We had actually we live in in California at the time. And I decided that, you know, I want it to either be a foster parent or adopt my kids were older. We did have a pretty decent life. I wanted to, you know, expand that blessing to a child that didn't have that. And so we went through to these foster parenting classes that and we were with, you know, like other family, families, couples or adults who were, you know, trying to be foster parents or adoptive parents as well. And the facilitator had asked some questions. And, you know, my children's father, you know, said what he said, and then I said, what I said, and then we went on break. And the couple that was sitting beside us, the wife has said, Hey, oh, how long have you guys been married? And I think at the time, maybe it was 14 use 50 I don't know it was in the team's shoes. Oh, really? And I was like, you know, why are you asking like, Oh, she's I just thought you guys were a much younger couple than that. So what do you mean? She's like, just by the way you guys talk. It's like maybe you've only been married for a couple of years. And that light hit me because I had been in trying to explain to my husband, our challenges and our issues. I had said that it felt like our relationship was stunted. Like, if the years of our marriage represented an actual child, we were 14, you know, are 14 but we're acting like two year olds. Something is wrong. Like when our kids leave, like Who are we going to be like something is wrong, and he blamed you know, just me I think too much. I'm overthinking blood by blood. And so the fact that I have been saying that in private with him, and then here I go meeting this lady for the very first time and she could look at my marriage and pretty Much say the same thing like I thought y'all were two years old and we're 14
Shireen Jaffer 29:03
what me? What do you think made her say that I mean that is such a I mean that's an interesting experience and I think for a while I'm sure it was like a huge validating like yes just not enough great oh my gosh this like yeah now someone else who just met me Can pointed out How can my own husband non sprite so I can I can totally see that happening but what may What do you think made her see that in such a short encounter?
Carlita Coley 29:38
I have tried to figure that out. And I don't know like, because I don't even remember it. Well, of course. It's been so long ago. I don't remember the details of the conversation. Um, you know, the statements or whatever that we made in the class. I don't remember. But I do remember that. Like, my children Tom and I we like we didn't fully agree on certain things. Um, and I think when we expel, he said I think such such such as like a No, I don't think that I think blah blah, blah. And then he will counter Well yeah, you think that because blah blah blah but so and so and so and so maybe just the I don't I'm not sure I tried to figure it out to say when she said it because I'm like whoa, but then I couldn't figure it out so I just let it go. I then just focused on how it hit me and my chest is like, Okay, I'm not crazy, there was something maladaptive to this relationship. I have spent my entire adult life with this man, like, I don't want to do it anymore. And like, fit me into this file of just kind of like reliving or rehashing all the different concerns that I have expressed over the years and it's like, it's, I'm not crazy, like this is valid. And when it got to the point where when I started thinking about spending the rest of my life with my children's father, it put me into like a deep depression. Because my oldest son was, you know, in high school, Dan, so, you know Tom's point, I'm like, they're gonna be gone soon. And I was like, I don't, you know, my childhood was dark enough. Like, this marriage has been dark enough. Like, I don't want to spend the last 20 years of my life like this, like, I'm just not gonna do it. And I mean, I asked God for forgiveness. And I was like, yeah, I'm not doing anymore. And so then I had the conversation with my children, father.
Shireen Jaffer 31:28
Wow. Wow. So 18 years is a long time.
Carlita Coley 31:34
Yeah. My entire adult life. Yep.
Shireen Jaffer 31:36
Wow. And so and so this, the divorce was five years ago.
Carlita Coley 31:43
2013.
Shireen Jaffer 31:49
And now, you know, six to seven years later, looking back on those 18 years. What What feelings come to mind? How would you? How would you like it? 10 years is a long time. So really the question I'm asking is like how have you work through having spent 18 years in a relationship within a belief set that you didn't agree with? The therapist in you, I'm sure is helping people work through a lot of that this isn't a unique situation. So from from your personal standpoint now, so, you know, a few years later, how do you how do you process it?
Reflections on 18 Years of Marriage and Starting a New Life (32:39)
Carlita Coley 32:39
I'm not fully sure I, my children's father and I both agree that we probably shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, and we were both really young 2021 We both hadn't had a lot of dating experience. But I don't regret the 18 years. Because it produce three of the best friends I have in this life, my children, um, and I don't consider it a failure. You know, go, you've been married for 18 years, you know, you come from a failed marriage, I don't consider a failure because he and I accomplish a lot of things together. And separately, you know, we raised three beautiful children. I went back to school and got, you know, my bachelor's degree and my master's degree now, I paid for he did not but I'm just saying, I was able to do that he ended up getting his master's degree. We traveled the world because he was in the military. You know, we got to meet a lot of different people. And I feel like that was a success. I don't consider that we failed. But I also feel like it provided me with a lot of life lessons that I may not have otherwise gotten had I had that experience. I'm able to look at other situations and relationships and see the me and other women, you know, people post on. And that's, that's another thing we had this image of being this great all American perfect family, you know, like the middle class Obama's because people didn't see what was going on behind closed doors. On Facebook, I post all these beautiful pictures and I mean, and the pictures are real like they happen, but people don't see the sad conversations that happen after or before you know what I mean? Um, so now, you know, I'm able to look at social media and understand that everything is not what it appears to be. And so and even now, seven years later, I go back and think about different things. And I don't mean and this is not my intention to make it sound like my children's father was the problem or the own problem. Like I had my own issues too. They're things that I wish that I could go back and apologize to him for. Because like I realized now you know, I mean May should not have done certain things to say some things, not because of his ego, but just because like I was experienced in it, I was inexperienced as a woman and as a wife. And I would imagine that some of the things that I said indeed hurt, and as a result, he responded a certain way. So having that sense of awareness that it takes more than one person to make a relationship and just being mature enough to own your part in the equation, like why did I allow him to treat me a certain way? Why did I wait 18 years to stand up for myself? Like, was it because, you know, I felt taken care of financially, which that was the only way he took care of me, but I'm just saying, like, you know, I just had to question certain things. Instead of saying, oh, he's at fault. I had to question myself, like, why did I allow certain things right? And then being and not just asking those questions of myself, but like answering them like coming up with answers. It just helped me a lot to grow and evolve and to clearly define what it is, I believe now who it is I am now what exactly do I want? Not just what I don't want, but what is it that I want? So I just I feel like it has helped me become a better person, but overall better person.
Shireen Jaffer 36:25
Yeah, and I mean, now obviously you are helping women build their confidence and their lives despite all the challenges and adversity that you know, they've had to overcome. So, in 2014, you had a marriage or you ended your marriage 2013 2014. And then now in 2020, you've established your own business you brought your own, you brought your first home by yourself and so and then you also dealt with a couple health concerns. So tell me about what life has been like for you since You separated from your husband or ex husband?
Carlita Coley 37:02
Yeah. So I mean, it was very difficult. I would say the first two years were the absolute hardest because like I said, I had spent my entire adult life with my children's father. I went from, you know, my mother's house that was, you know, dysfunctional and abusive, spent maybe two years in college and then went straight into my husband's my children's father's household. And he handled all the finances everything. And so here I was 39 years old, I had never had something in my name. So like, you know, when we moved apart, and the case came with me, you know, had to get lights cut on, I had to sign a lease and all of that stuff, things that I had almost 40 and I had never done before. So that was, you know, new and scary and different. Um, and then, even though it felt like doing while I was married, I was still kind of like a single mom because everything fell on me. That wasn't too much of an adjustment, but it was just the knowledge of you. Looks at I grew up poor, I grew up in a projects, my children's father was in the military. So, you know, my quality of life did increase as a result of being with him. And that's all my children knew my children knew a certain quality of life. And that's what I wanted for them. And so when their father not divorced, and so I had to figure out how to produce the same quality of life for them at like a third of the income because you know, there was child support issues, you know, that he struggled with, I didn't accept alimony, because I told him, I didn't marry you for your money. And so during this divorce, money is not going to be an issue. I was able to take care of myself before you would take care of myself after. I just need help raising these kids. So I didn't get alimony and then we can go to court for years fighting over child support. And in between that time, we're just living off what I'm making. So it was just stress and anxiety of Oh my god, like I know how to handle like lower class leaving, but my children do not like that. middle class kids, like they don't know. And I don't want them to know. So it was just a lot of stress surrounding that. And then the fact that we will live in in California, all of our families back here on the East Coast, I was completely by myself. So it's like, Oh, God, you know, what if something happened, what if I get sick, you know, who's gonna take care of kids, and so it was just like, a lot of stress during that time. But I got a second job. I made things work. After my son, my oldest son graduated from high school, I decided to relocate back to the east coast. At the time, I had a friend in Maryland who was willing, you know, to help me get situated until I found a job and so I came back. What is that? 2016 six months later, I woke up and my left side was completely numb. And it was like that for two days. And it took my supervisor at the time she's like, calypsos not right, like you need to go to hospital do not come to work until you figure out what's wrong with you. And I was okay. So I went just because she said couldn't come to work and ended up in hospital for five days with a Brazilian test being ran only to discover that I had multiple sclerosis. Which totally freaked me out because, you know, multiple sclerosis is such a random, not fully understood disease where like, you can go blind for, let's say, a year, and then you sight comes back. But then two years later, you cannot walk for three years, then it comes back. Like it's just so unpredictable. And I'm like, How the hell am I supposed to take care of these kids with this? Like, it's just me now like, I'm by myself like, and I really struggled. I was kind of like Madigan's like what why? I never ever, ever, ever say, Oh, I shouldn't I love my husband. Never ever. I was like, okay, but how am I going to do this? And so it was a very traumatic experience for me. I spent a year actually out of work because I had, I wasn't able to walk ahead and mobility issues.
And so my oldest son, who was an adult at the time, he just came just to make sure that we were good. His plan was only to be there for a year, and he was gonna go back to California and do his thing. And so he had done that. My daughter was a senior in high school, she was able to handle her, you know, own business, but my son was only in the 10th grade at the time, and he was an athlete, and so he had a lot of things that he had to do, I couldn't drive. So I couldn't, you know, get him to the doctor or get into games or so on and so forth. And so I had to meet the heartbreaking decision of having somebody else raise my child, just so that his future wouldn't be impacted by my limitations. So that was extremely difficult. Um, but he ended up going to, you know, stay with his father in California. Um, but so after that year, I started, you know, being able to walk in, I got the right mix of medication, that kind of, you know, helped me get back to sort of normal So I went to work went back to work part time and gradually, you know, built myself up to where I was able to work full time. And so when I got to a place where I work full time I wanted because I had felt so insecure during that year that I was off work. Like I said, I don't have a husband to provide for me anymore. If I'm not working, I'm not making money. So like, what am I going to do? But I bless God that I have some like amazing, amazing friends that are more like family to me. The kind of help I had, you know, my best friend in St. Louis, would pay for my daughter's see your expenses, you know, pay for her to get her driver's license. I had another friend from Atlanta who you know, sent grocery money. One of my ex boyfriends that I dated in California, you know, he paid for my health insurance. Like I just had a group of people that held me up during that year. And so, when I was better, I was like, I need to position myself So where if I get sick like this again, I won't be helpless, I won't be homeless. Um, and so I kind of made it a commitment, I really got another job in Virginia. Um, I ended up buying a home so that like I said, if something ever happened, I wouldn't have to worry about where I was living or, you know, the landlord not understanding that I don't have rent this month, like, it's mine. Um, and then I also started thinking about, okay, what if it happens that I can't walk again, I can't go to work. I mean, I had to, you know, be out of work for a year because of it. And so then I was like, Okay, I need to create something that will allow me to work and make money even if I can't walk. And so once I got my license to, you know, provide therapy services in Virginia, I established my own company providing mental health services via telehealth with their plan of also teaching, you know, online classes, and so I was able to, you know, supplement or get this Same type of income that I was working outside. And I, you know, can do that from my home. And it actually benefited me. I mean, I'm still I'm able to walk. I'm healthy. I can do stuff, but then Coronavirus happens. And you know, it just benefited me to be home because like I said, I have an underlying health condition that would put me more at risk if I was out socializing or going to work or things like that. Now, I don't have to worry about that. Because I work from home. I'm making money, I'm handling my my bills. I got money left over. So I feel like I am in a much better place now. As an independent single woman handling my own business than I was when I let a man run my life.
Shireen Jaffer 44:42
Wow. That is awesome. That is I'm so happy that you had that support. And you were able to find those people to keep you lifted during an incredibly hard time. And by the way, what did you ever find out what caused the outage was a stress induced, is it? You know, what, what do you think led to it?
Carlita Coley 45:06
I do. I think it was stress induced, um, they don't really know what specific was the specific cause of Ms. I mean, there's theories and stress is one theory. And like I said, The divorce was stressful, the fight for the child support was stressful, just, you know, re establishing My life was stressful. Like I said, I had been with this man my entire adult life and then having to do life again, not just for me, but my three children. My dad was stressful. And then, you know, we drove cars cross country, and in three months after I got to Maryland, I was in a car crash that totaled my car. And so it was just distress on top of stress, I think. And then my body just said, we're not doing this. And then that's what happened.
Shireen Jaffer 45:48
Well, but here you are. And you've, you know, you're obviously now doing work that you will align with, you're financially independent. You've given your Kids the life that you believe, you know, they should have the you define as successful. So let's let's close the loop Carlita. What What does success look like for you now, now that you've gone through an incredible life journey, and of course, there's quite a journey ahead of you, but what does success mean to you now?
A New Definition of Success (46:22)
Carlita Coley 46:22
I think success means knowing for sure what you are capable of. And being provided the opportunity to live that life. I think, for a long time, I saw marriage as like a safety net. Like, you know, I couldn't really own a home I couldn't, you know, be happy. I couldn't have raised children, unless a man was there to provide and do X, Y and Z. And what I learned was, I could do by myself, everything I was looking for a man to do. I could work hard, I could plan I could budget I could stretch jobs I could provide for myself. And I have the ability to provide for the children that I brought in the world. And when I, when that hit me when I realized that, that's when I truly felt empowered, like I had really come into my own in this sense. I'm, like I said, I mean, in addition to being the hep and and I might not necessarily integrate like a committed relationship right now. Like, I've done all of this on my own without the leadership quote, unquote, of a man. Um, so aside from being like, the happiest that I've ever been, I also feel like the strongest I've ever been like, there's nothing that can come away that I can't tackle. I mean, I was in a very very, very dark place when I got Ms. But I came out of it. And I know you know, they're made this probably going to be another season when I have, you know, a real lapse in another episode, but what I've done now is just kind of set myself up now. Not just financially and materialistically but mentally and emotionally like, I can handle anything. But it took me losing some things to really find myself. And to me when you find yourself and you're happy with yourself, death success.
Shireen Jaffer 48:22
I love that and I couldn't agree more I I loved CAUTI I can't remember the word you used. But when you first started explaining your definition of success, I think the beauty of knowing you have the power. You are capable. When when people start recognizing, you know, like my belief, my spiritual belief, I believe, you know, I have a very I believe that the power is within us, right? Yeah, we have the power to do so much more and for some crazy reason someone along the way told us that That we did it, you know, fine people, whatever, like someone along the way told us that, you know, this is what we should learn. And this is how we should think and this is what we should do. And this is you know what it means to get to success. And I think for me success is when you, when you find your own definition, when you discover uncover, I always say uncovered because it implies that's always there, right? When you uncover your own power, and your own capability and your own talents and you're happy and showing up for them. And you've built an environment around you that allow that empowers you because I don't like allow that empowers you to show up for them to meet that success. And if I can help and you know, obviously, the why I do what I do, and I'm sure as you're coaching, and the reason why now, of course you work with so many women is to really help people recognize that. You know, I'm very fortunate that I felt how good Freaking feels to like be in that environment and, and have such unwavering belief in yourself and your capabilities. If I can just help people find an environment, find a life that allows them to feel the same way. That's that's what I work for. So I love how you put it. And thank you again for sharing that. So early though, tell me a little bit about your work now and what you know what you're doing now what you're up to now. And if someone really wants to get to know you and needs help, or just wants to talk, how can they get in touch with you?
Carlita Coley 50:39
Like I said, I establish my own private practice is called The Fostering You Initiative. And it's pretty much what it sounds like. Like you said, a lot of women don't realize how much value and power they have. We spend so much time deferring to the men in our lives or giving to our kids or just giving to people in general. No one fosters and nurtures us. And so I wanted to create a place where women could connect with themselves learn about themselves. And I would help foster them into you know, finding themselves and tapping into their power and learning how to create the type of life that they want. You could check me out on thefosteringyouinitiative.com on my website, I also have a Facebook page, the fostering you initiative in my contact number is up there as well. But like I said, I just want to help women because I think even in our society, we let's say we even look to marriages, our retirement plan. Turns out by the way, my children's father handled on money like I have no retirement plan, so I'm having to, you know, catch up, and I think so many women. I feel like if I had just been more proactive in asking questions and handling my own finances, I could have been in a better financial place and that's what a lot of women think they may For years, and either husband dies or they get divorced, and then they're left destitute, they don't know what to do, because all they've done is being a stay at home mom, they don't have education or what have you. And I just really wanted to compel women to take care of themselves not just emotionally, but financially and educationally like, is not. I want them to set themselves up for success. But you can't do that. If your default position is trusting someone else to do it. And so I want to have those conversations with women to talk about, you know, what success looks like for them and help them get to their version of success.
Shireen Jaffer 52:39
Beautiful, well, Carlita, thank you for doing that work. And thank you so much for sharing your story with us with me, and I encourage anyone that of course resonates with Carlita story, please check out the work that she's doing got in touch with her Carlita. Is there any last words that you want to share with our listeners?
Carlita Coley 52:58
Any last words Only that the only person that is going to truly invest in you, is you. And the only way that you're going to be effective in your life is to invest in you consider yourself just as important as the people that you serve.
Shireen Jaffer 53:21
That's it. I love it. Thank you. Thank you so much for being here. And thank you so much for sharing your time and your story.
Carlita Coley 53:28
Thank you