Time Is The Only Currency You Spend Blindly - Mitchell Osmond

We sit down with Mitchell Osmond of the Dad Nation Podcast and get brutally honest about what it means to be a present dad in a noisy world, where work, phones, and stress quietly steal the only thing we can’t earn back: time.

We talk about the stats that reframe everything: how fast your time with your kids drops as they grow, and why that “one focused hour” each day can shape a child’s confidence for life.  Mitchell breaks down the two questions kids ask under the surface, “Am I enough?” and “Do I have what it takes?” and how a father’s encouragement, belief, and consistent presence can keep them from searching for worth in all the wrong places. We also get into the father-daughter dynamic, including how the way we treat our wives becomes the blueprint our daughters normalize.

Then we zoom out to marriage and communication, because strong families are built on strong partnerships. Mitchell shares a clear framework for what wives often need to feel secure: seen, heard, and safe, along with simple active listening tools that lower defensiveness and rebuild connection. We also unpack emotional disconnection, the quiet drift that damages relationships long before any big blowup.

If you want actionable fatherhood advice, practical marriage help, and a reset on what matters most, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share this with a parent who needs it, and leave a review telling us: what’s one small change you’re making this week?

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Welcome to The Brad Weisman Show, where we dive into the world of real people, real life, and everything in between with your host, Brad Weisman! 🎙️ Join us for candid conversations, laughter, and a fresh take on the real world. Get ready to explore the ups and downs of life with a side of humor. From property to personality, we've got it all covered. Tune in, laugh along, and let's get real! 🏡🌟 #TheBradWeismanShow #RealPeopleRealLife 

Credits - The music for my podcast was written and performed by Jeff Miller. 

Transcript

Show Intro And Theme Setup

SPEAKER_02 0:31

This is gonna be a good one, Hugo. The Brad Wiseman Show. Real people, real life, and everything in between. So, what do your kids think of this?

SPEAKER_04 0:40

Oh, they are so embarrassed.

Weekend Stories And Dad Life

SPEAKER_02 0:41

In order to be unstoppable, you simply don't give up. You get knocked down, you get back up again. Where curiosity opens the door to genuine connection. Men really struggle with their emotions. They really struggle with even understanding what's going on. Unfiltered conversations with the people shaping our world. What kind of show is this? And there's red quilted leather all over the walls. There's a swing hanging from the ceiling. I don't sweat you. And now your host, Brad Wiseman. All right. Oh man.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Mm-hmm. We didn't even do anything yet. You're already humming. That's righty. Yeah, I had a great weekend this past weekend. It was sunny. Yeah, it was a good weekend. I did Guy's Weekend. Guys Weekend. Yeah, Guy's Weekend. We had a great time. We just uh three guys and myself, good friends of mine, um, went down to Ocean City, Maryland and hung out.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

Had some good food and uh went to a great restaurant, which is one of my favorites called The Hobbit down in Ocean City, Maryland, and just had a great weekend.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Oh, that sounds fun.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

Yeah, so how how are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Good. I went to see the cherry flop cherry blossoms. Did you go down to DC? With them kids.

Welcoming Mitchell Osman Back

SPEAKER_03 1:48

With them kids, the kids. We're gonna be talking about kids. We're gonna talk about dads. So you're a good dad. Yeah. We got another good dad that's gonna be coming up. We had we had this guy before on the show and really made an impression on me. And you'll probably remember him if you are watching the show. His name is Mitchell Osman. He has a podcast called the Dad Nation Podcast. He is, if if there's one thing you can do as a dad, and moms can watch and they can chime in too, but he definitely is the dad guy. And if you go on his Instagram page, you will grab some amazing information, not even information, not uh well. Yeah, some wisdom, some wisdom uh from the the things he says and the the quotes and the and the and his podcast and the people he adds on. And he just brings it to a point where you just sit there and and it's not a judgmental thing. It's not meant to judge yourself, but it's just you sit there and go, wow, that was very powerful. It meant a lot, and and how can I change or how can I be better at what that is saying? You know, so we're gonna we're gonna bring him in. Mitchell is back on the show. Mitchell Osman, man, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Brad, it's it's I'm doing well, man. And it's a pleasure to be here again. Thanks for the the invite back for round two. The first conversation was powerful. And I think out of out of all the podcasts I've been on, uh yours stands out is it was just a it was just a great conversation. So looking forward to chatting today, man.

Turning Pain Into Purpose

SPEAKER_03 3:13

Yeah, so am I, so am I. I know you were a little under the weather recently or whatever, and you're kind of getting over that. We're all getting over stuff. I had the stomach bug a week ago or whatever, you know, so it's incredible, but you you look good. I think we're gonna get through this fine, and yeah, we're gonna move on right away. So I think one of the things that I was saying to to the audience before we I brought you on was just how, you know, how thoughtful your your messages are on your Instagram page. And I know your different places, and I know and your podcast snippets are there, your reels and shorts and all that stuff, which are great. Uh and you do have the whole podcast called the Dad Nation Podcast. But you know, there it's nice, it's kind of one of those things I can just I could just dip into it quick. I look at your podcast, your your Instagram page, and I'm like, that was cool. You know, do you and you're doing this all the time. Where do you get the the inspiration for this?

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Lived experience, and also just, you know, I I do a lot of reflecting on my past, you know, where I came from. And you know, as I shared in my last time with on your show, I came from a very difficult childhood, you know, alcoholic father, just a lot of crime, dysfunction, all that kind of stuff, abuse. And so I I very much knew from a young age what I wanted my life to look like and the life that I wanted to give my kids one day. And so I had always had that fire inside of me. And so once I became a dad, it felt very natural. And I think I do, I think a lot. I'm always thinking about and I talk for a living. So it's just like I'm always thinking, I love to write. And so as moments pop up, moments of inspiration when I'm with my kids or my with my wife, yeah, man, I just pen them down and and just kind of spend some time working on them and and just share. Really, what I'm sharing is is the thoughts, the desires that I have that that men don't often have words for. And as men, we struggle with communicating our emotions and how we're feeling. And so, really, at the end of the day, Brad, what I do is I give, I just give words to a lot of these feelings that men have, but don't, they don't quite have the language for just yet. And so when they read a carousel of mine, they're like, oh, dude, like that's exactly how I feel, or I haven't thought about that quite in that way. And that is my that is what I love to do is to give men language for what they're thinking, what they're feeling, but then also equip them. You know, a lot of my hosts give guys stuff to think about, like you said, because I like you know, you've heard me share in the last episode, I'm super passionate about helping other men step up and become present, powerful fathers and husbands so that their children will have beautiful, you know, childhoods and their wives will be happy. And I believe that when the dad gets better, the whole family wins. I say that in every single show. Yeah, I love that. And so that's why I do that because at the end of the day, I am the man I am the father that I didn't have. You know, and I'll say this often, man, every every family has a curse breaker. For me and my family, that's gonna be me. And so if if I can help other men and the curses for them and their families, then that's man, I love that.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

So that's awesome, man. It's it's just it's so inspirational. And inspiration actually breeds inspiration. You're talking about writing down things. I've noticed over the past three years, in my journey of doing this and and working on a book that will hopefully be out by the only this year. And you know, there's something about that. When you when you allow yourself to think and actually exercise the brain in thinking and exercise the brain and in inspiration and go into those places, it's amazing what your brain will give you in response. Oh you know, yeah, it it it in it's it and it's coming from higher being, wherever you, whatever you believe, you know, but it's amazing if you just allow that space there for thought, what comes out? Totally.

SPEAKER_01 7:07

Right? Isn't it crazy? It really works. Yeah, and and I think now more than ever, Brad, because we're we're living in such a loud time, you know, there's so much noise, whether it's social media, news, media, whatever, and it's like we can't get that silence, that solitude, that that quiet to actually let the brain do what it's designed to do is to think and meditate and process. But when you have that quiet time to reflect and then you write, you know, writing brings so much clarity. And so you think about it. When you have a thought, you stew on that for a little while, and then you write it down and then you read it. I mean, there's multiple, and I was talking to a client about this a couple days ago. I'm big on journaling, but I was explaining to him. I'm like, number one, you're you're thinking about this, you're meditating on it, you're stewing on it, whatever. Number one, then number two, you're actually you're you're positioning yourself to like, okay, how do I put these words together? Then you're writing, and the great thing about your hand is it slows down the words so that you have time to process it. Yeah. Read it again. I mean, that's like four or five different interactions with that one sentence or that one thought that you wrote down. That's why you internalize so much more when you write and you reflect that way, right? It's so powerful.

Parenthood Endings You Never See

SPEAKER_03 8:18

Yeah, it is. It is. I love hearing because it sounds a lot like what what I'm experiencing over the last three, five years. It's it's pretty awesome. So there's one in here that and I'm gonna go through some of the stuff that I've seen on your Instagram lately because I want people to realize what what they're gonna get when they come to your Instagram page because it's it's really, really cool stuff. And the one, I mean, there's there's lots of them, there's tons of them. I mean, you have all kinds of stuff in there. The one that was just uh interesting recently was the parent, this actually made me tear up. I probably had a tear come down my face because it makes you think. And it was Parent Hunt doesn't announce its endings. There's no warning when a season quietly closes, no calendar reminder, no final bell. Last time you put them to bed, last time you reach out, they reach out for your hand. Dude, that is just it. If if you're not a parent, it probably won't make sense. But man, it hits even just now reading it, it hits, you know, it's it's unbelievable. Yeah, that's that's and I think that's life as a whole. We just we don't know when it's that last time. And and and so when you have those opportunities when it's still happening, take advantage of it, you know, take advantage of those opportunities. And that's something I I've been doing. I don't know if it was you know since meeting you or since reading that recently again or whatever. I you know, you and there's a lot of places that you can get that that encouragement of you know being present and being and even actually a lot of the guests on the show too, uh Hugo, you know, it's being present, it's it's being there, being where your shoes are. You know, you stop stop being somewhere different, you know. And I I think that's the kind that's the kind of message you're giving. So tell me about that. I mean, it's I mean, that was just that hit.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Yeah, well, here's the thing. I'll start with a quote that I that has just been resonating with me forever, ever since I read it, and it's this time is the only currency that we spend without knowing the remaining balance. Wow. Right? So I don't know if I have 60 minutes or 60 years left, right? And so if I if I die in 60 minutes, I just gave you the last hour of my life. That was a great hour. But but really when you think about it, right? Like we don't have and so we give it away to things so so often that don't matter, right? Okay, so that's one one quote. Now I'm gonna give you some statistics. If you're listening to this and you're you know a father and you have kids and they go to school, whatever, live a normal life, by the time they turn 12, 75% of your time with them is now over. By the time they turn turn 18, 90% of your time with them is over. Because the moment they leave the house, the time drastically drops, right? And then they get married and they have kids and it drops again, right? Then you start seeing them on special occasions, family dinners, whatever, if you're blessed enough to have them live close to you. And so this is so, so, so important because you want to think about it. If we don't know how much time we have left, and it's impossible to know, number one, that should make you realize how important it is to give the time to the things that are most precious. But then also, if you have a kid who's 11 years old or or under 12, your time with them is about to drastically decrease.

SPEAKER_04 11:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

And so, and then we look at here's another statistic that I just learned a little while ago. The average American male who's the primary caregiver in their home, and the children attend, like, you know, normal school, normal hours, they spend on average 0.86 to 1.04 hours with their children a day in like focused time. One hour a day out of 24. Wow, wow. So let's think about that, right? Then that drops off and drops off again by the time they're 18. So if you are spending one hour a day with your child, how important is it for you to be intentional with those 60 minutes? You know what I mean? So that that's that's where you know that writing comes from, though those quotes you're reading, because I have a real passion to just be fully present and to not miss a moment because it's so precious, especially when you look at some of those data points and statistics, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

It's cool. And I think you're the one that I don't know if it was you or not. I remember you saying that on the last show we had, and that was definitely impactful for me too. And all these things, you know, they kind of come into your head and and they start to, the more you hear them, the more your brain starts to, when you're, when you're when I'm at, and I and this is something I'm consciously doing, but I'm actually really enjoying it. I'll be sitting at the kitchen table working on something for work, you know, and my son Carson will be over watching like a really cool thing on YouTube that's like educational stuff, you know, really cool. And I'll like look over, you know, now I could choose to keep working, and a lot of times it's in the morning before he goes to school. And what I've been doing is closing the laptop, getting up, sitting on the sofa with him and saying, What are we watching, bud? He comes over and then he just we chill for a half an hour, just watching whatever he wants to watch on YouTube and whatever we kind of figure out. This morning we were watching the Artemis II thing because we're I'm excited about rockets. I love space travel and all that stuff. So, but it's just those are the moments, and it's a half hour, but you know what? It feels so good to do it, it's incredible.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

Yeah. And you don't know, like like I said, you don't you don't know when the last time you're gonna pick your kid up is. You don't know the last time you're gonna put them to bed, like like I wrote, you know, parenthood doesn't announce its endings. You you don't know when this is gonna be the last time. Yeah, and so if you if you live with that kind of awareness, you know, if you live with that kind of intentionality, I mean, it just it focuses you like nothing else.

Kids Need Belief Not Praise

SPEAKER_03 13:57

Yeah, it it's and I'll tell you, it's it's been it's been a this journey that I'm on more and more is just it's it's very what I'd say to I said the other day, I think I said to my parents, and I said, you know, I'm I'm feel so good where I'm at right now in life. And it's not about money. It's just hum, I'm humbled in a good place in my skin where I feel I can say the things I want to say, not controversial, just say the things I want to say. I can I can talk to my friends in a real way without thinking they're gonna get upset or help them in a way, you know, and not that you're like a know-it-all or anything, but I just feel like I'm I'm able to help or serve in a different way than I've ever been. So and I just hope it gets better and better. So let's go into some of this other stuff here, the other other things that were on there. I love this, this is good too. Every child is asking the same questions about their identity, their worth, and their value in your eyes. Love that. And I'm saying dive into, I said on my notes here, dive into this. I heard it's not I heard it's not enough, good enough to tell them that you love them, tell them that you believe in them also. And I don't know if that was a conversation we had last time or not, but I've been hearing that. I don't know if you've been hearing that, like it's not just the love, it's the belief that you have in somebody.

What Daughters Learn From Dad

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yep. Yeah, yeah. So every child is asking, especially boys, are asking a couple key critical questions. Number one is, am I enough? And then the second question they'll ask they're asking is do I have what it takes? Right. And as young boys, they're looking to their fathers to answer that question, typically. And and the the challenging thing is, Brad, is is when when these boys, when their fathers don't answer those questions for them, they grow up, you know, and and the girls too, they grow up and they'll answer those, the world will answer those questions. Culture will answer those questions for them. And they'll say, you know, so when they're asking that question, am I enough? They're gonna find their worth in all the wrong places. Do I have what it takes? If you don't help them answer that question, they're gonna strive and strive for they're gonna become, you know, they're gonna be looking for worth, they're gonna be trying to please everyone, they're gonna be constantly stressed and anxious, trying to prove themselves, trying to earn their love from everyone and everything. And it's like it's your responsibility, especially as a father, to answer those questions for your children so that they are not asking it, you know, as adults. Because that's what I see, Brad. Yeah, is is is is grown men who are still little boys on the inside going around, and what they're deep deeply what they're doing down on the inside is saying, Am I enough? Do I have what this takes? And so then they're looking for enough in their work to become workaholics. They're looking for enough in, you know, maybe maybe the drugs or the alcohol or whatever makes them feel it numbs that pain, yeah, right? Or they'll look for it in different areas, and so that's another reason why I'm so passionate about the fatherhood piece. Because, like I said, I mean, I I I meet men who never had those questions answered. I didn't have those questions answered. And so I struggled and I learned a lot of very painful lessons because I feel I answered all those questions in the wrong way and I filled my life with things that that weren't good for me, right? Until I understood what that meant. And that's that's why I I help men, number one, understand that and and then in the learn how to communicate that to the children. Because when we say when we talk about the word encourage, right, what that means is to inspire courage, it means to like speak something into them, inspire your children, say things like I believe in you, you're such a hard worker. This is speaking to their identity, yeah, right. I love I love the phrase praise the process, not the prize. Yeah, yeah. It's like don't just reward them when they get the medal, don't just reward them when they get the great grades. It's like you're reward, you're rewarding the process. Man, you've studied so hard. Yeah, you're such you're such a hard worker. Good point. That kind of stuff, right?

SPEAKER_03 18:15

Yeah, that's that's that's a really good point. Now let's let's go back to the other side of that. So what about where's where's the dad's place with with young girls? Like, you know, with a with her teen like my my daughter's a teenage girl now, you know, and and it's it's different. It's it's a different relationship than it is with my son, you know? Yeah, just because I'm not a girl. I don't I don't understand about how all they think, you know, all the time. But you know, what do you what do you say about that? How do you how do you be present in the same way or whatever, you know, in with that?

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yeah. Well, well, the first thing you need to understand is your how you treat her and even more so how you treat your wife, yeah, is teaching her, you know, how to the the respect that she deserves. Right? Because if she grows up and her father disrespects her mother, or if her father doesn't, you know, communicate worth or value to her to you know her mother or to her, then she's gonna grow up thinking, well, I'm not deserving of respect. And so what's gonna happen is she's gonna look for man. Here's the thing, Brad, and we know this to be true statistically. Your daughters, if you're listening to this and you have a daughter, they will grow up to crave the attention and affection of a man just like you. They cannot help it. They will crave, they will look for a marriage just like you or yours. Because that's what they see is what they normalize, yeah, right? I it was true in my family. Uh my sister grew up married an alcoholic, wow, got divorced, married an alcoholic, right? Because that was what was modeled for her. She wasn't, you know, it she she didn't have those answers questioned, or she didn't have those questions answered. Yeah, and so this is so so critical. So I tell men all the time, like if you want your daughter to bring home a great man one day, right? You have to model that greatness for her so she knows how to see it in other men, right? How to recognize herself, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

What it looks like, right? It's what it looks like, yeah, yeah.

Where Self Worth Really Comes From

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hey, pursue your daughter. It sounds weird, but pursue her like you would want her because she's learning everything from you. And so if you do that, she's gonna grow up and look for a man who's going to pursue pursue her, who's gonna say, Hey, you are beautiful, you are worthy of so much respect and love. This is what you deserve. And you're gonna speak that identity into her. You have what it takes, you are enough, you're not too much, and you're gonna speak that into her identity so she knows exactly what she's looking for when she gets older, right? Well, I think I'm doing it right there then.

SPEAKER_04 20:52

Yeah, man. I think I'm doing all right.

SPEAKER_03 20:54

No, we I do I adore both of our both of our kids. I mean, obviously, and she's they're both talented and you know, do a lot of different things. So it's cool. It's good to hear you have a question, Hugo.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Yeah, I was gonna ask you just going back to the point about uh worth and you know, where kids in the world or culture will tell them, you know, give them a source of of worth. What do you guys both of you attribute your sense of worth to? What is your source of worth?

SPEAKER_03 21:24

What would you say, Brad? Who my source of worth? I mean, like you mean as far as what makes me feel worthy to actually I think just being a dad or or for me, just being a dad is makes me feel more worthy than I've felt before. If that's what you mean, I'm not sure if that's what the question is.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

No, I meant like like that you are enough. Like who where where do you draw that intrinsic worth from that? That you as a person, you as a human being.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

I think that's I think it's just over time. I mean, I I I've never struggled with that, and there are people that do. I mean, you can I mean and how do you feel with that, Mitchell? You know, I mean, yeah. I mean Did you did you feel you were enough? I mean, you felt you've you said you had you struggled with that because of your upbringing, maybe a little bit, right? And you were looking for your worth. You were looking for you were looking outside of yourself for for that. Whereas I think not every like I don't think I've ever had that, except for when I was maybe really young, but go ahead. You tell me, tell me your your thing about that.

What Men Need In Marriage

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Yeah, I mean, here's here's a couple points where I challenge where I was challenged. Yeah, the worth piece for sure. Now I'm I'm a person, I have a I'm a faith person, so I have a relationship with God. And so I take a lot of my worth uh in my faith, you know, a lot of my beliefs, and uh I I believe that God loves me. I believe that. He's created me and he's given me a purpose and a calling. And and so I believe like I root myself in that a lot. And then also in in like you said, in your identity as a husband and as a father. And I think, you know, in in marriage, I struggled a lot in our first couple two or three years because I didn't understand my own needs. Right. And so so the the two basic needs of every man are to feel respected and to feel competent. I don't know if we talked about this before.

SPEAKER_03 23:17

We might have, but I also just saw it on another podcast you did. Please go into it. I do I do love this.

SPEAKER_01 23:22

Well, because that's the thing. A lot of people think that, like a lot of wives make the mistake of thinking, well, I need to tell my husband I love him every day. The problem is, is I mean, it's good to know that you're loved, obviously. But for for men, the intrinsic desire is not necessarily to feel loved. It's actually to feel competent as a husband, as a father, as a provider, you know, and to feel respected. So for example, and I've done this, if you go into a room of a thousand men and you ask them a question, and you say, Would you rather hear your wife say the words, I love you or I respect you? 95% of the room or 99% of the room will raise their hand when they hear the words, I respect you. And so I tell women all the time, I'm like, the most empowering thing you can do, and dare I say the most loving thing you can do is to say to your husband, I believe in you. You're such an incredible father. You're such an incredible husband. I love how hard you work for us. We don't have to worry about anything. You're such a great provider. It's like that that hits so much deeper than I love you.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

I agree 110%. And also just, yeah, and so I think sometimes the word for me is I'm proud of you.

unknown 24:28

Totally.

SPEAKER_03 24:28

Yeah, I'm proud of, I'm proud of who you are right now, or I'm proud of you with who you are as a dad and who you are to the kids and all that. That to me, yeah. I think sometimes too, as couples, because we do love each other, and not that we throw the word around a lot, but it it is used a lot. I mean, every time I get off the phone, love you, you know, before we go to bed, love you, or before we get up in the morning when she leaves, love you. So I think sometimes that word does get watered down. Totally. So I think the the other words that we can use are make make more of a difference because I think it's just it's good to hear that it's not just the love. Yeah, I know you love me, but you know, I love a lot of things that maybe I'm not proud of. I love a lot of things that I love chocolate, you know. So it's not like that's really good. But no, there's a lot of things we love that just doesn't that doesn't really lift you up or make you or make you feel like you're doing the right things. You know, sometimes I think as as guys, we I think they think because we don't need to hear that, they we end up not hearing that. And and then when we do, you know, if somebody says to me, man, you're a heck of a father, I mean that to me would or and or heck of a father and and husband, that means a hell of a lot more than somebody saying, I love you.

What Wives Need To Feel Secure

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Yeah. Yeah. And and and that's you know, and that's exactly why, you know, I was struggling so much in the first few years of our marriages because we didn't understand what we needed, right? And and and my wife's need to feel cherished, to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel safe. I wasn't meeting those needs. And so I didn't, and and she wasn't meeting my need to feel respected and competent. And so I constantly felt incompetent. I constantly felt like not constantly, but I often felt disrespected. And so I felt like a failure as a husband. I felt like a failure as a man, as a provider. And so my worth, my sense of self-worth was very low because I didn't have that answered, you know, in my upbringing. And I certainly wasn't getting an answer to my marriage because it was just it was imploding, right? And so men base their identity off of that in in many ways. And so it's so important to understand that and to be able to communicate those needs in your relationship and and be able to create opportunities where you can meet one another's needs because that's where you're gonna feel truly fulfilled. You know, so so that's that's huge, especially for men.

SPEAKER_03 26:48

And what do you think? So then on that topic, what what do you feel or what have you heard that they need to hear? What does my wife need to hear? What is what is what is what do most wives need to hear, you think?

SPEAKER_01 26:59

Yeah, that's great. Well, I have a framework around this called the attraction triangle, and what that what the triangle is, is it's based off of every woman's three core needs. And those three needs are to feel seen, to feel heard, and to feel safe, right? So when we say seen, you can break that down into three A's. So appreciation, acknowledgement, and affection. Every wife needs to be appreciated for the things that she's doing, the invisible load that she's carrying, the different things that she's doing around the house, you know, all that stuff. Acknowledgement actually goes deeper. It's not just appreciating her for what she does, but it's speaking to who she is, you know, acknowledging her as a mother, acknowledging her as a bride, as a wife, as a great friend or a great, you know, whatever. And then the affection piece is huge because giving her physical affection says, Hey, I see you, I care about you, I'm I still I'm attracted to you, right? So the scene piece, the herd piece is is really just and I and I teach this in my with my clients, it's just an active listening loop. So when you're, I mean, how many times has your wife talked to you and you're like scrolling on your phone or you're watching the game and she's like, hey, hello, you know?

SPEAKER_03 28:08

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

But it's this idea of mirroring, summarizing, and clarifying. So you mirror what she said back to you. You use some of the same language. So she says something like, you know, I feel like I'm I'm doing all this work around the house. I feel like I'm alone in this, you know. Instead of getting defensive, you might mirror some you when you respond, mirroring some of her language. Like, babe, what I think I hear you saying is that you've like you're having a hard time because you're lonely. You you don't feel supported, right? And then the clarification, mirror, clarify, and summarize. The clarification is asking, you know, or summarizing, sorry, and then clarification. So summarizing would be like, I hear you, you know, it sounds like you're looking for help around the house. It sounds like you're lonely. And then the and then the clarify is the the the clarify, yeah. The third step is, did I get that right? Right? You're asking for feedback.

SPEAKER_03 29:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

And so if you do that, you mirror, the summarizing, you clarify, it's like that whole sentence is like so. Instead of getting defensive, which was which is really common, because the first thing you want to do when she starts talking about that, saying, Well, I work too, I'm working hard. I did the 12 hour shift. You expect me to come home and blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

I've never said anything like that.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

I don't know what you're talking about. Never, never, but when you say, Hey, babe, you know what? What I think I hear you saying is that you feel alone and that you're you you're doing all this alone and and you're having a hard time keeping up with it. Did I get that right? She's gonna feel so heard, you know what I mean? Because you're not only are you using the verbiage psychologically, it's it activates what's called mirror neurons. And so it tells her, oh, he's listening. And then summarizing makes her feel obviously that you're like spitting what she said back to her, and then the summarizing says, Hey, I want to know, am I correct? Did I understand you? Right, you're asking for feedback, and then that third step, safety. Here's where a lot of guys get this wrong. They think about my wife, my wife wants to feel safe physically, and yes, that's important. But there's relational safety, there's physical safety, there's financial safety and emotional safety, right? So when I say physically safety, physical safety, that's that's a two-way street. She needs to feel safe with you, but she also needs to feel safe from you. Like if you're getting angry, are you the kind of guy who's yelling or putting your fist through a wall, you're throwing something? She does not feel safe with you. We talk about emotional or relational safety. This woman needs to be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be faithful to her, that you don't have some like OnlyFans accounts, or you're getting a wandering eye or something going on at work. She needs to know that you're being faithful. Financial safety is not, I'm not saying you gotta be rich. I'm saying you gotta be responsible. You have to be a good steward of your finances, that you are that because she's thinking about the kids, she's thinking about the family. So you need to steward your finances and include her into that. And she needs to know that you're gonna put the best interest of the family first, that you're not gonna spend the budget on a new toy or a new pickup truck or whatever, but the financial safety in the last one, the emotional safety, which I got wrong for years. And it's exactly going back to this scene and herd piece when she comes to you and says, Hey, I feel like you you you're working all the time, or you feel like you don't, whatever, could be anything. You're what she's trying to do there is connect with you, right? But what do we do? We get defensive, right? And so we say, Well, hey, here's what I'm doing, and I'm doing all this. You why are you coming at me like this? But she's learning a very valuable lesson. And the lesson is this it's not safe to bring things up with him because this is what happens. Wow, and so you need to create emotional safety by saying, Hey, I hear you to see her, hear her, and to make her feel safe is so critical. So if you can get those three needs met, dude, and and she can have that conversation about, hey, honey, what does it look like to make you feel more competent? And you know what's interesting?

Why Couples Drift Apart Quietly

SPEAKER_03 32:09

That last one, the emotional safety, that reminds me of a place where if there's a guy at work listening to that part, the emotional safety part, that's where things start to deteriorate. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm saying that that can be a vulnerable place. And I'm not, you know, I'm just saying like that that can be a place. I know if you look at women needing those things, you know, you if you're not providing all those things, that's the place where I could see that changing.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Dude, let me share some more statistics with you. Yeah. Right? In the US today, we know that 70% of divorces are initiated by the women in the relationship. Wow. Seven out of ten. Now, when you dig into the data even more, in situations where the wife is a high earner or has a high level of education, that number jumps to 90% of divorces are initiated by women. Wow. Now, what's even crazier is when researchers have studied the reasons why 80% of the time, the main reason cited for the divorce is not sex, it's not money, it's not you know abuse, cheating, all the things that we think it is. It is emotional disconnection.

SPEAKER_03 33:17

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

It's some variation of I don't feel like a priority, I don't feel like my feelings matter, I feel like I married a robot. We don't, I don't connect with him anymore. And so think about those numbers up to 90%. And then 80% of the time is emotional disconnection. So we have a huge I was right, I was kind of right with that then. Yeah, you absolutely were right, because what happens is women then find those emotional needs met elsewhere because they have to, because the feminine is driven by emotion, they cannot not do it, right? It's their oxygen, and so as a man, it's more important than ever to meet those emotional needs. And this is here's the crazy part women end up going to work to find, you know, they'll they'll be attracted to a man who just meets their emotional needs, who just says, Hey, you're such a great mom, right? Uh yeah, you're such a hard worker. How do you do this? How do you balance you're a mom and you're doing so good at work? Wow, this must be so hard for you. And there's a guy at work who just says the right things and but here's the thing that happens to a man when a man comes home and he feels incompetent because he's you know, his wife is saying this and that and getting at him or whatever, or he feels disrespected. Again, these are our greatest need. We crave it. So, where does a man go to feel more competent and to feel more respected at work?

unknown 34:38

Right?

SPEAKER_01 34:39

Yeah, right. It's easy to measure. It's like, well, I get paid for this, I bring solutions all day.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

I feel appreciated, I feel like I'm doing the right things. Um you know, people are going, Hey, you're doing a great job, you know.

Date Night And Prioritizing Your Wife

SPEAKER_01 34:49

Exactly. And you can measure it because you're like, Oh, I'm doing great, I gotta raise, and it's like, oh, here I'm respected, I'm I'm great at what I do. But the problem is, is this is how the drift happens. Yeah, a woman goes this way, a man goes this way to get their needs met elsewhere, and this is how marriages slowly this is why I say all the time marriages don't end because of one big explosion, it ends with because of a silent erosion where we're just not meeting each other's needs. And over time, before you know it, we're just living in the same room, you know, we're we're roommates sharing rings.

SPEAKER_03 35:23

And you and I I I I agree with you a hundred percent. And I gotta say, yeah, this is where I just want to bring up one other thing that we talk about. We just talk about this a little bit, and maybe next time you come home, we can really dig into it. One of the things that I've felt that has really helped my my marriage and and my not that we're having issues, but just that keeps it more solid. And and something maybe I can say as a as a suggestion for other people, and you can chime in with it too, is is spending if you have children, especially, and we're talking about being a dad, so we're most of the stuff obviously people where they have children, is is, you know, we we meet as two people, we get, you know, we're dating for a while, we get engaged, and we get married, and then and and everything is very about us. It's about the two of you. And you have plenty of time to do meet, you know, go out with the guys one night, she can go the girls' night, whatever. You know, there's all this time beyond really spending a lot of time together. And then you have children, and overnight, that all changes. You know, it goes from just what I call the, you know, one is the there's mom and dad couple, and there is married couple, you know, and they're two different, two different groups, two different people. One of the things that were has worked for us is trying to take that at least one night, which would be a date night. And it could be the McDonald's. It doesn't need to be fine dining. It could be the McDonald's in a movie, you know, or something like that. But to be able to just talk and and be with each other and laugh, and you know, every time we're where we were just down in Savannah, Georgia, and and I say this to my wife, to her face, and we're there. I'm like, you know what? This is what I this is what I love about you. I said, you know, we're sitting here laughing our asses off about whatever it is, whether we're people watching or something, who knows? You know, it's just fun. And then usually we end up talking about the kids anyway, which is kind of funny, but it gives us a moment to just get back to the the the married couple, you know, and and we love our kids and we want to be involved in everything. But I think to be better parents, sometimes you need to be a better married couple. And and and that's hard to do sometimes. What have you heard that before? Or do you bully? Do you agree with that? Do you what do you think on that on that stuff?

SPEAKER_01 37:33

Man, absolutely. For a lot of reasons, right? So let's are you how do you I mean, do you become a better dad by being a better husband? Absolutely, because we just talked about how you know for your sons, you know, masculinity is caught, not taught. You know, you they they have to observe you doing something. Same thing with your with your girls, right? We we talked at length about this. What's the best way to be a great model to them is to actually model that in your own marriage, right? So that's naturally gonna make you a much better parent, is by prioritizing your wife. The best thing I tell people all the time, I I get in trouble for saying this all the time, because they'll say the people say to me, What's the one thing you want your son to know? And I say, I want him to know he's number two. Come to my wife, and my wife is number one. Because he here's the thing: he needs to understand, he needs to see what it looks like to have uh to have a man love a woman. Because if I don't model that for him, it's gonna be modeled in all kinds of different areas, and he's gonna grow up and he's gonna disrespect his wife, he's not gonna love her, he's not gonna, you know what I mean? That so it's my response. I would even say it's my responsibility to prioritize my wife over my children because that's how I'm gonna set them up for success in their own relationships, right? So that's a big piece when it comes to parenting. The second piece is like we get to understand what happens when when when your wife has kids, like like we know that there are seasons where they shift psychologically on a fundamental level. The first one is adolescence, the second one is marriage, the third one is children, and the fourth one is menopause. Okay, so when she shifts, when she has children, her identity shifts, like it's an existential shift. And so the challenging thing is though, is they begin to grieve the life that was, they begin to mourn when they were a bride, when they were younger and beautiful, as they see themselves. And so, as a husband, as a man, it's your responsibility to help her feel like a bride. If she can forget for a moment that she's a mom, and you can say, Hey, can we go out? Why don't you put on a nice dress and I want to take you out for dinner? It reminds her of her femininity, it reminds her that she was she's first a bride, that she's a beautiful, desired woman, and nothing is gonna fill her tank more than that kind of thing. That's cool. And so you yeah, you want to talk about like breeding intimacy in your marriage and connection and closeness. That's how you do it. Remind her that she was a bride, remind her that you you're you know, you desire her, you're attracted to her. And then when you do go out on that date, what do you do? You connect on an emotional level, yeah, right? Absolutely for the sake of talking, like you said. I love that you said that because that's so critical. David White is a famous uh philosopher and a and a poet, and he says, the conversation is the relationship. Oh, I heard that before.

SPEAKER_03 40:29

Yes, yeah, I heard that before somebody else quoted that. I love that. It is, you're right. The conversation is the relationship, so true.

Final Thoughts And Where To Follow

SPEAKER_01 40:36

And and I say it all the time like, you want to know the health of your marriage? Look at the health of your conversation, right? How how much are you talking? Yeah, because if you're not talking, you don't really have much of a marriage. Or you it you might have it right now, but it's gonna deteriorate. Yeah, so this idea of dating your wife, oh, dude, huge for so many reasons, right?

SPEAKER_03 40:54

Yeah, it's cool. That's that's awesome, man. I I just love it. And you know, we're gonna we're gonna wrap it up here, but I just love having you back. You know, I think he's probably one of out of 200, out of 300 episodes, I think you're probably of maybe three people that we've had on twice. Come on. I think so, maybe, right? Two or three people. Yeah, thanks so much, man. I appreciate it. Um, we're gonna have you back, hopefully, again sometime, because I have other stuff I want to dig into and um just keep it up. I know I can tell you're a little, you know, you're sniffling and stuff like that. Um, but I thanks for you know working it through and making it happen for us. I really do appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 41:29

It's been a privilege and an honor to be here with you and your listeners, Brad. So thanks for the honor, and let's make it a trilogy, bro. I'll come back here tonight.

SPEAKER_03 41:36

That's good, that's indefinite. All right, cool. Thanks a lot, buddy. Unbelievable. Wasn't that a great show? Let's get it. Mitchell Osman, the Dad Nation podcast. Plus, he's got a lot of other stuff going on. Go to his Instagram page, just look up Mitchell Osman. Um, and we're gonna share all of his socials on um on our socials so you'll be able to find him. But if you're if you're looking for some advice about, you know, husband, wife, any kind of issues, or maybe it just doesn't feel right, he's the guy you need to connect with because I'm telling you he's gonna help you out. All right, that's about it. Thanks for coming back here every Thursday at 7 p.m. We love it. All right, take care.