Join us as we sit down with Certified Divorce Recovery Coach, Leah Marie Mazur, to discuss how with clear, actionable steps, women can rebuild their confidence, know their worth, and put an end to harmful patterns after a divorce. In this interview, Leah covers the following:
• Obstacles that many women face after divorce.
• Common mistakes women make after divorce.
• What women should focus on while recovering from a divorce.
• How to adjust to being alone.
• How to gain acceptance.
• Blame, shame and how to release negative self-talk.
If you would like to speak with one of our attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.
To learn more about Leah can help you, you can visit her website: https://www.mindfullyready.com/
Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.
Join us as we sit down with Certified Divorce Recovery Coach, Leah Marie Mazur, to discuss how with clear, actionable steps, women can rebuild their confidence, know their worth, and put an end to harmful patterns after a divorce. In this interview, Leah covers the following:
• Obstacles that many women face after divorce.
• Common mistakes women make after divorce.
• What women should focus on while recovering from a divorce.
• How to adjust to being alone.
• How to gain acceptance.
• Blame, shame and how to release negative self-talk.
If you would like to speak with one of our attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.
To learn more about Leah can help you, you can visit her website: https://www.mindfullyready.com/
Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.
Intro:
Welcome to Modern Family Matters, a podcast devoted to exploring family law topics that matter most to you. Covering a wide range of legal, personal, and family law matters, with expert analysis from skilled attorneys and professional guests, we hope that our podcast provides answers, clarity, and guidance towards a better tomorrow for you and your family. Here's your host, Steve Altishin.
Steve Altishin
Hi everyone, I'm Steve Altishin, Director of Client Partnerships here at Pacific Cascade Legal, and today I'm here with Certified Divorce Recovery Coach Leah Marie Mazur, to discuss what clear actionable steps you can take to rebuild your confidence, know your worth, and put an end to harmful patterns after a divorce. So Leah, before we start in, can you just kind of tell us a little bit about yourself and how you came to be a divorce coach?
Leah Marie Mazur
Yes. So I I'll take it back a little bit. To give you a good idea of kind of how this happened. When I was 16 years old, I actually witnessed my mother have an asthma attack in our home and pass away was very sudden and dramatic, obviously. And only five years later, my dad died of pancreatic cancer, and I'm an only child. So by 21 years old, I was alone in the world trying to figure out how life worked. And I didn't realize it at the time. But my coping mechanism for those abandonment issues, was becoming a serial monogamist, I was just hopping from one relationship to the next. And I did that for years, because I just didn't know how to be alone. And I was desperate for stability and had no self confidence. And so that's what I did. And after my second divorce, that was kind of my wake up call, that's when I realized, alright, obviously, I'm stuck in some kind of pattern here. This is not working for me, I need to really figure out how to get myself to a place where I can feel confident on my own. So I dove into all the things self help I was I was talking with a therapist, I did journaling, I got really into meditation, student gratitude, practice, you know, books, podcasts, everything to heal and understand why I was making the choices I was making, so that I could learn how to stand on my own and embrace my independence and not be afraid of that side of things. And to love myself and build my self esteem. And so when I was able to do that, and you know, essentially get myself to the other side, I was able to create a framework for other women who are going through divorce because they all need all of these tools that took me two divorces to learn. And so they can kind of avoid learning the hard way like I did and get some of these, these tools so that they can heal faster and not not take a long time or not repeat the same mistakes.
Steve Altishin
I love that. Well, that just leads perfectly, which is can you talk about some of the obstacles that many women face after divorce?
Leah Marie Mazur
Mhm. So low self esteem low self confidence is huge, guilt, especially for moms dealing with a lot of mom guilt for making those choices or for feeling like they broke up a family or gave up too quickly. So those are the most common, and also a fear of being alone, I would say is another really common kind of obstacle that they face is that mindset of I'm only getting older now I have all this baggage who's gonna want me I'm going to be alone forever. So those are definitely the ones that I see come up the most with my clients.
Steve Altishin
Well, that makes sense. I mean, you're going from an identity that includes you and someone else kind of back to your own self identity, that can't be easy.
Leah Marie Mazur
Yes. And there's just so much to grieve. There's a you know, you're not just losing your partner unnecessarily you're losing like you said, your identity, you're losing a future that you thought you were going to have. You may be losing your house, the family, your family home, if you have to move out and find somewhere else to live because you can't afford to stay there. You're sometimes losing time with your kids if you're sharing custody. So there is you know, marriage and divorce divorce really is like a death and there's there's a grieving process that needs to take place in order for you to be able to heal and move forward.
Steve Altishin
So what do you see in terms of some common mistakes that you find women make, or some women can make, after the divorce? You know, obviously there's this obstacle. And you said you sort of learned from the school of hard knocks. So what are some of those mistakes to try to start avoiding?
Leah Marie Mazur
Yeah. So the first one is do not hop into a rebound relationship, this is so common, and it makes complete sense. And I've been there, which is how I wound up getting married a second time, you're in a place where your self esteem is down the toilet, you probably haven't had that kind of attention or affection in a while you're afraid of being alone, you are lonely, you don't know how to pass the time, like there's lots of reasons to to kind of be incentivized to get back on those dating apps. But the issue with that is, if that is the foundation that you're trying to build this new relationship on, you're not really setting yourself up for success, because what you're essentially doing is trying to fill voids that you have within yourself with this relationship. So you want to get yourself to a place where you feel full and happy and fulfilled all by yourself. Because then when you do decide you're ready for a relationship, you are not attached to any outcome. And you can date with high standards and strong deal breakers, you know, what you're looking for, you know, what your non negotiables are. And then if the relationship ends up growing and working out great, it's like a bonus. But if it doesn't, you're fine, right? You're, you're okay, on your own, you don't need it, a relationship is meant to add value to your life. So making sure you're not hopping into a rebound relationship is really good, because you also don't want to go through another breakup after you've gotten out of a divorce. So sometimes those are even more difficult, believe it or not, then breaking up with your spouse because it kind of brings up all these feelings that we you never really paid attention to after your divorce. But then you're kind of adding on this extra, this extra side of drama for yourself. And it really makes things harder. So that's, that's number one. The second thing I would really encourage people to do is make sure that you're not putting yourself care on the backburner. This is a big mistake. Divorce is one of the hardest things that people can go through in their lifetime. It's very stressful, it's overwhelming, it can be traumatic. It's a huge transition. And so that is not the time to put your needs on the backburner. If anything, this is the time where you really need to be paying attention to how you're mcquoddy your quality of sleep. Are you drinking enough water? Are you getting outside? Are you eating foods that nourish your body are you exercising, all these things have a huge impact on how you're processing what's going on and the way that you feel. And kind of in that same wheelhouse of self care, making sure you're taking care of yourself, try to avoid alcohol. And I know a lot of people don't like to hear this one. But if you're already in a place where you are not feeling great, you're dealing with anxiety or depression or low self esteem. Alcohol is a depressant, it's a substance that's going to make you feel even worse, it completely disrupts your sleep patterns, which has a really negative impact on how you regulate your emotions. But you also are more likely to do things that you're going to regret. There are so many times where I've heard from my clients where, you know, they drank too much the night before, and then they started like a text war with their axe and now they have to get their attorney you know, involved again, or they ended up you know, hooking up with their neighbor. And now they have to deal with that extra, right. So there's things that you're going to do that are just going to complicate things for yourself. So I would say just kind of try to lay off until you're in a better place mentally, emotionally.
Steve Altishin
That makes sense. We've run across some of the first things that happen is one of the partners will get on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, and just start sort of rehashing all the old stuff. So what should they focus on? I mean, you're trying now to recover from the divorce, so what kind of things can they start to focus on to help?
Leah Marie Mazur
Mhm. So to help really gain acceptance, so you really, to help you move forward. A lot of that is accepting reality and not resisting the truth. And so journaling is a really, really powerful tool to start doing this. It's going to help you work through your thoughts and your feelings and helps you kind of see things a little more objectively kind of gives you answers to questions you maybe didn't even know that you had practice your progress. But in that journaling process is we're talking specifically on acceptance, a really great thing to do is try to find the silver linings, even if it's really difficult challenge yourself to try to find those little things where you feel like what's happening is a good thing. So how can what's happening? Maybe benefit me? What kinds of things do I get to do now that I didn't get to do before? What things do I not have to deal with anymore that I used to have to deal with. And it can be really small, you can start with, well, now I get the battle to myself, and that's going to be nice, or I get to save or spend my money, the way that I want to now, I don't have to argue with anybody as often, right? Fine, even if it's just a few of the silver linings, because when you're going through something that difficult, and everything's in upheaval, it's a really easy thing to do is to focus on all of the things that you're losing, and all the things that are going wrong, or that are stressful. But when you do that, then it's not going to put you in a really great state of mind, you're not going to have really, you know, feelings that feel good, you're going to feel stressed and overwhelmed and anxious. So if you deliberately choose to focus on things that you are looking forward to, or things that you're grateful for, it completely changes the way you feel about the circumstance. And that's going to have an impact on kind of how you show up the choice and the choices that you're making.
Steve Altishin
What that also sounds like is it kind of rebuilds or kickstarts, again, just sort of your confidence, because I know, confidence sort of lags in every divorce.
Leah Marie Mazur
It does. Yes. And that's another great you know, if we're talking about confidence, if you're kind of getting into this journal practice to is celebrating your strength. And you know, that's something that's really important when you're dealing with that low confidence, low self esteem. Because that voice in your head, that inner critic can be going wild. And you're having these conversations with yourself that make you feel bad about yourself. And so that's kind of an exercise that you can start doing to help shift that inner dialogue is focusing on the things that you're good at, and the things that come natural to you or your past successes or accomplishments and achievements. And if you're somebody who really struggles to do this, if this is something that you have a hard time, even finding a couple of things that you feel like are your strengths. Calling for reinforcements, that is a great exercise is to reach out to trusted family or friends or even co workers if you've known them for a long time. And if you're doing this exercise, I recommend reaching out to them in like a written form. So either an email or a text message or something like that, you reach out to them and you ask them for five things that they see in you. Right? What are five things that that you that you see. And the reason why you want to do this in writing is because that gives them a little time to kind of process what you're asking and then send back and thoughtful response. And then when you get those responses, you can kind of just see now I recommend using descending at least five people this, this question and the more the merrier, the five is great, because then you're getting back 15 responses of all of these positive things that these people who know you and love you, people you trust, what they see when they look at you, what they see your strengths are, what they what they think you're good at. And that kind of can jumpstart the way that you see yourself how you feel about yourself.
Steve Altishin
I love your kind of focus on the written word, writing something, reading something. Kind of on the side, I got a present last year that was basically writing a story every week. And I hadn't really done much journaling at all. And wow, it makes you bring up things and remember things and it makes you really feel better. And so dumb question is does it matter how you write? I know some people say, Well, I want you to get a pen and paper out and write it on that, or is you know, doing it on the computer okay, emailing versus sending a letter, does that really make any difference?
Leah Marie Mazur
So depending on what you're doing, so if you are just journaling, and you're somebody like some of my clients who have like ADHD asked me that this question as well. So if you are that type of person who has a hard time kind of concentrating or staying focused, you don't necessarily have to use a pen and paper and write your journal prompts or journal entries, you can use a laptop, sometimes that's easier because you can type faster than your your hand can write. Also, you can use like an app on your cell phone for voice notes. And you can even just record yourself speaking your thoughts into your phone because the idea is to just get it out of your head. When it's circling around in your mind. It's more complicated to make sense of so when you speak things and you get it out, it helps you see see your thoughts more objectively so you can do that too. Specifically for the exercise where you're sending it when you're asking your friends or family for those five things about you. I would I would recommend doing it in writing just because if you're if you're speaking to them you So that might be a question that they're just not ready to receive, and they won't really know how to respond to that. But you also you want to give them time to really think about it sometimes, you know, if they're gonna give a really thoughtful response that might take them an hour or so to really think about those kinds of things. And so when you do it in writing, then you're kind of giving them an opportunity to take as much time as they need to come up with those responses before sending them back to you. And then when you get that back, it's just nice to kind of sit with it and really absorb that and take those things in for a few minutes and remind yourself of all of these things that you've maybe forgotten about yourself.
Steve Altishin
I like that, that kind of getting also that could get you out of the past and sort of into the future. And so if I came to you, and I said, you know, my problem is that I just, I can't not think about the past. I mean, it just, it's eating me up. What do you do? What do I do?
Leah Marie Mazur
Well, I would want to know more specifically, what circumstance you're ruminating about, like what kind of things you're you feel like you can't let go of, but what you really need to focus on is then is learning to to be in the present moment. Because unless you've got a time machine in your closet, you can't go back and change anything, right? You can't go back and do anything differently. So Acceptance comes from understanding that you can't change what has already happened. It's right. It's like I need to just accept what is in my control and what is not. And so actually, after my second divorce, I really got into meditation. And I know that that's not for everyone. And I know sometimes that sounds really intimidating. When you hear meditation, oh, my god, like I can't do it, it's too hard. But first of all, anybody could do it, children meditate, anybody could do it. But the reason that's such a great tool is because it teaches you how to be more in the present moment, because your depression comes from ruminating about the past. And anxiety comes from worrying about the unknown future. So you kind of pull yourself out of that thought coaster, by learning how to just be in the present moment. And so I always recommend doing things. And even if it's not meditation, necessarily, if you kind of want to start small, it's just doing whatever brings you into the present moment. So what is it? What kinds of things do you enjoy, maybe it's just going outside for a walk or a bike ride, or maybe it's knitting or you know, whatever origami, you know, whatever kind of things that kind of just keep you in the present and focusing on what's actually going on, the more you do that, the better you're going to get at controlling your brain from going back and reliving all of those thoughts.
Steve Altishin
A lot of times we hear from clients that they they miss people, they miss the, you know, their in laws, they miss friends who now they don't know if they should talk to, it's like, it's pretty easy to get sort of lonely. Is there something you would recommend or a way to kind of break through that? Or is that just an okay thing to get yourself together?
Leah Marie Mazur
Well, it's completely normal, and it's okay to miss people. There's nothing wrong with that. It's, you know, in certain circumstances, you don't necessarily have to lose contact with people. There's been many clients of mine who maintained a healthy relationship with their in laws, even after the divorce was finalized. And if that works for everybody, great, there's no rules, right? You can, you can stay in people's lives if that's what you choose. And yes, you do lose people, sometimes in a divorce, not just your spouse, you may lose friends, and you may lose in laws or family, even family, I've had somebody who their own parents did not support their decision and kind of turn their backs on them. So that does unfortunately happen sometimes. But you have to remind yourself that the people who are meant to be in your life, they will be and the people who you lose in a divorce, they're not your people. They're not meant to kind of be with you on this journey to your your best self. So you've got to let it go. Again, make sure you go through that grieving process. It's not necessarily an easy change. But it's acceptance, accepting what you can't change. You don't want to have people in your life that you have to convince to be there, that's not going to serve you. And so if you are feeling lonely, then yes, so you you want to, um, you can get support, you could join support groups, that's a great place to start. And I have a private support group on Facebook. It's called divorce and empowered. It's great to connect with other people who are going through similar things, it definitely makes you feel a lot less isolated. And if you are lonely, then a really, really really great tool to start doing is to find hobbies and creative outlets, because this not only is going to help you pass the time. It helps you find fulfilment. It helps you learn about yourself, and it builds your confidence. I'll tell you a quick story. So after my second divorce when I was going through my figuring out who I was and where they wanted to do kind of as my marriage was crumbling, I decided I was going to join a band. I had always loved to stay thing and but I was kind of a like a closet singer like I never performed in front of people I just kind of knew I like to sing, you know, for myself. But I said, You know what, like knew me right I'm going to try, I'm going to try and do these things that I know I want to do, I just was kind of scared of doing so I found a local band, a cover band who was looking for a lead vocalist. So I signed up for the audition. As I was driving to the audition, I was shaking and sweating. I was so scared and nervous. I was listening to a a hypnosis app to pump myself up so that I had the confidence to get through this. But I told myself, no matter what happens, I'm just going to be proud of myself for showing up. Because this was so far outside of my comfort zone. I said, You know what, at least I'm just doing this, and I'm happy and proud of myself for that. So I got the audition, I gave it all that I had. And I actually ended up getting the part and I would then was in this band singing, you know, classic rock songs. And it was just so much fun. And it was something that I It made me so proud of myself and I look forward to, and my confidence skyrocketed. And it opened up opportunities to meet other people like minded people who like to do the same things. And it completely changed my life, I still do it. I'm still in a band, it's a different band. But I still sing. And it's a really important part of my life. And it's a part of who I am. And so when you're going through something like a divorce, that's an opportunity for you to learn who you are and what you like, and what lights you up. And you know what kinds of things you want to explore and experiment and discover. Try everything until you find the things that you enjoy. And then it not only brings you fulfillment and builds your confidence, but it'll help you meet other people.
Steve Altishin
It also feels like, I heard a term that you had used, which was I think it kind of blame shame and negative self talk. And all the stuff you're doing feels like it gets that pushed away, which has got to be a good thing.
Leah Marie Mazur
Yes, yes. Because that a lot of what you're going through, if you're feeling not good about yourself, not good enough or unworthy, or you have low self esteem, that is all directly connected to the conversations you're having with yourself about yourself. So when you get control of that inner critic, you challenge that inner critic and you learn to speak more positively and supportive and compassionate about yourself. It changes the way you feel. And that also coincides with getting okay, like getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. If you're building your confidence. That doesn't come first. Confidence doesn't happen before you do the scary thing. It comes after you do the scary thing. And then you realize, oh, I didn't die. I did it I got on the other side. Right. That's a big thing that you have to remember. Like, for example, with but with this audition, it wasn't like I could get the confidence to go and sing in front of people. I was scared to death, right? I was really, really nervous. But I did it. Anyway, I did it scared. And then it built my confidence because I was proud of myself for what I had done.
Steve Altishin
We are getting close to the end. But I really want to talk a little bit about you as a divorce coach. We had talked, you know, there are all kinds of emotional health, physical health, other kinds of health that people can get in a divorce. But as a Divorce Coach, how are you able to help people recovering from the divorce? How does that kind of process work?
Leah Marie Mazur
It's having conversations with them, first of all, to figure out where they're stuck. Because some even though there are common obstacles that people face, everyone is kind of stuck somewhere whether that's stuck on the guilt part of things or it's stuck on, you know, my husband left me for another woman. And so now I feel like I'm not good enough, right? So we figure out where you're stuck. And then we work through it. So there's tools like kind of some of the things that I was sharing with you today, depending on what it is that you're struggling with. There's actionable steps and tools that you can use to help you get overcome where you feel like you're you've been stagnant so that you can start to move forward, whether that's gaining acceptance or building your self esteem, or releasing that guilt, or understanding how to work through anger and resentment. It's that mental and emotional part of divorce, right divorces is like two buckets. There's the business bucket, the legal stuff. And then there's the mental and emotional stuff. And so Coach is somebody who's future focused. So I help women by giving them the tools and the actionable steps to help them through that mental and emotional piece so that they can come out the other side feeling good about who they are knowing their worth, and being able to create this new chapter that they love and that feels good for them.
Steve Altishin
It kind of sounds like, what you're doing is you're helping them help themselves. It's not just like, Okay, here's the thing, this will fix that, take it, go. But you actually are giving them the tools to help themselves.
Leah Marie Mazur
Yes, yeah, that's essentially a coach's job is to empower their client, right? It's my, if you need me for too long, I'm not doing my job, my job is to is to give you wings so that you can fly on your own.
Steve Altishin
I like that. So, before we go, I do want to ask you to let people know how they could get a hold of you. And maybe materials, talk, just what sort of ways they could get a hold of you.
Leah Marie Mazur
Yes. So you can find me on Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, my handle for all those sites is at mindfully ready. And you can also go to my website, which is mindfully ready.com. You can book a consultation with me, I also have a free empowerment guide and training video to help you gain acceptance and build your self esteem and gain some clarity on what you want. Next, you could download that there's digital resources, an online course there's one on one coaching, and there's workshops, there's all kinds of things to help you and you can also join that private support group if you'd like to connect with other women who are healing after divorce.
Steve Altishin
I love your term getting clarity. That is probably, you know, seeing divorces, is what is the least existent. It just That's half of the problem, it's just, what do I do? It's there's all this stuff. It just I don't have my sort of decision making process is not working as sharply as it should. So I really liked that that idea. Wow. Thank you so much. This was really, really cool. I appreciate you being here. I love the way you take clear, actionable, like you said, approaches, steps, nuts and bolts about you know, helping helping people regain their confidence and kind of get rid of their bad patterns. And you say it in a way that isn't an ease. You know, it's about medical ease. It's not legalese. It's actual kind of words and descriptions that we really can all relate to. So thank you so much for being here today.
Leah Marie Mazur
Thank you. Thanks for having me. This was great.
Steve Altishin
Oh it was wonderful. And I want to thank everyone else for joining us today. And until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.
Outro:
This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Pacific Cascade Legal, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our websites at pacificcascadelegal.com or pacificcascadefamilylaw.com. You can also call our headquarters at (503) 227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our seasoned attorneys. Modern Family Matters, advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the modern family.