The Divorce Worry List: What Keeps People Up at Night Before Filing for Divorce

Divorce can feel like stepping into a fog where every rumor sounds like fact: you will lose the house, you will be broke, the case will drag on for years, and the court will air every private detail. Steve Altishin sits down with Founding Attorney Lewis Landerholm to name the concerns people bring to an initial divorce consultation and to explain what’s real, what’s misunderstood, and what you can actually control.

We start with the fear that hits first for most families: financial security. We talk about the pressure of going from two incomes to one, funding two households, and protecting the biggest assets for many couples the family home and retirement accounts. We also dig into why negotiated settlements and mediation can create options beyond the rigid “split everything and sell the house” storyline, especially for Oregon and Washington family law cases where practical compromise can reduce disruption.

Then we get concrete about the divorce process, including timelines, legal fees, and why trial is usually the most expensive route. We address discovery and the “dirty laundry” anxiety, plus how transparency can prevent hidden asset fights that explode costs. Finally, we cover kids: whether to move out, why a temporary parenting plan matters, and how child support differs from the more subjective spousal support analysis. If you’re wrestling with the question of “should I get divorced,” we also explain where legal advice ends and where therapists and other professionals can help most.

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If you would like to speak with one of our attorneys, please call our office at (503) 227-0200, or visit our website at https://www.pacificcascadelegal.com.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this communication is intended to provide legal advice nor does it constitute a client-attorney relationship, therefore you should not interpret the contents as such.

Transcript

Welcome And Meet The Hosts

Intro/Outro 0:01

Welcome to Modern Family Matters, a podcast devoted to exploring family law topics that matter most to you, covering a wide range of legal, personal, and family law matters with expert analysis from skilled attorneys and professional guests. We hope that our podcast provides answers, clarity, and guidance towards a better tomorrow for you and your family. Here is your host, Steve Altishin.

Steve Altishin 0:31

Hello, I'm Steve Altishin, Director of Client Partnerships of Pacific Cascade Legal, and today we have our founding attorney, Lewis Lander home, with us to talk about what people are most concerned about going into a divorce. So, Lewis, how are you going today?

Lewis Landerholm 0:50

I'm doing pretty well, Steve. How are you doing?

Steve Altishin 0:52

I'm doing well. It's uh it's a busy time, but that's you know, that's good. It works out.

Lewis Landerholm 0:58

Yeah.

Steve Altishin 0:59

So this is a great one I wanted to talk about because I actually get this question from a ton of people that I talk with. And it's just what you know, sort of hopes, dreams, concerns do folks have? And you're the person to talk to because you must have done a thousand of these initial consultations. And so I just kind of thought we'd talk a little bit about maybe some of the concerns that you can share that you kind of commonly see come up. And especially, of course, about their divorce. And and I'm just gonna start with this, and we can go

Fear Of Financial Ruin

Steve Altishin 1:44

from here. But I know one that I get a lot, and this is even from just people, you know, in the street, is the financial ruin. Oh my God, I'm gonna lose an income. We're gonna go down to one, I'm gonna lose my retirement, you know, my savings account. I just won't be able to afford, you know, the lifestyle I had. Is that something people talk to you about or are concerned about?

Lewis Landerholm 2:07

Yeah, all the time. And I mean, it comes on both sides of the equation. Um, the party who, you know, potentially was the higher wage earner, but especially, you know, somebody who maybe has been a stay-at-home parent or you know, hasn't uh had the same sort of earning capacity during the marriage itself. Uh, it's a huge concern when you've had two incomes. I think the statistics are that you essentially have to learn to live on about 40% more or less income, regardless of who you are in the divorce. So it's a big deal. You've got to set up two households. We have to figure out how to take care of the kids with less money and retirement planning that had been going on for years can be disrupted for sure. So it's it's one of huge concern, of course, for anybody going through a divorce. And so it's one of the one of the key things that we talked through at the beginning, you know, from the very beginning, uh, in a strategy meeting of just, you know, what do we need to, you know, to do to make sure that our client can have the the best possible um outcome so that they are the most secure coming out of it? You know, which experts do we need to get involved? Do we need a um, you know, somebody who's a financial planner and an analyst who can help them plan for the future? So um that's that's probably the number one concern that people have as they embark on thinking about divorce.

Steve Altishin 3:53

Yeah. I imagine that there's people, I mean, even right off the bat, you know, at the very first thing, you know, what what should I what should I really keep my house or my or my retirement? I mean, there's it's it's too soon to make a decision, but uh but I think that that really gets to people is like needing to know they'll have something.

Lewis Landerholm 4:20

Right. Yeah, because it is um, you know, I mean, for most people, their largest assets are those two pieces, right? I mean, you've got your house that uh, you know, you hope that has a decent amount of equity, and then you've got a retirement account and and and trying to um you know figure out who's gonna keep what or is the house getting sold. I mean, all of these are major decisions that have to get made, but um, you know, things that we help people kind of think through and understand what the um what the true answer can be and some of the creative solutions. I think when people go to the internet and people talk to friends and family who have been through a divorce, a lot of times it's very much like, okay, everything has to be split down the middle, and you know, you you have to sell, you have to do these things. Well, that's not always the answer. You know, if you end up in front of a judge, that's probably the answer. But we do a lot of creative workouts if people are are willing to negotiate and willing to work with each other. There are other options. It does require people working together, but there are ways to minimize the uh the disruption if uh if people can can do it together.

Flexibility Creates Better Outcomes

Steve Altishin 5:34

You you kind of hit the hill on the head on that. The right off the bat, the idea of placing into a client's psyche is the importance of being flexible. And we say compromise, and they think compromise is a bad word, but they this is a point, especially on this, is where you you you can't just be rigid and you have to be working with the other side. And and I I like the idea that just getting into that conversation right off the bat is sort of like prepares them that you know you need to be able to compromise, negotiate, and just you know, don't hold one thing.

Lewis Landerholm 6:26

Yeah, it's not always possible, of course, but you know, in it when possible, it makes everything go more smoothly, and it gives us more options to come up with those solutions that aren't necessarily the black and white answer that um everybody fears when they when they start the process.

Timeline And Cost Reality Check

Steve Altishin 6:46

Yeah, yeah, and divorce is not black and white. It really isn't now. I know a lot of people talk are are you know sort of afraid of the legal process again on the internet and it could be a nightmare, you know, when you start to depending on what you're reading, um and it leads to I know that a question is is asked a lot and a concern is a lot is you know what is the legal process and you know how long is it gonna go? How much is it gonna cost me? That whole thing.

Lewis Landerholm 7:19

Yeah. Yeah, and that and that's the unknown for sure, and that's the hard thing to predict, right? Because we don't have control over the whole process. And I I talked to you know potential clients a lot about you know, we can only control two out of the five pieces, right? We can control ourselves and but we can't control the other party's attorney, the other party, and the court, you know, the court's wild card and all of this. We can be teed up and ready to go to trial and we find out there are no judges. Um, you know, that's not nobody has control over that. Um, and so we can get bumped out further. So we work off of the things that we can control. And so, you know, timelines are are tricky because we can always kind of give an idea of what is the worst case scenario. How long is it going to take if we have to go to court and what does that look like? But how can we pull that forward? Becomes a question about, again, flexibility. Can we get into mediation? Can negotiations work where we can come up with a solution that keeps it out of court so that you can avoid the cost and avoid the length of time that it takes to get to trial. And that directly um correlates to the amount of money that a case costs. You know, for the most part, um, trial and court is the most expensive part of everything. And so if we can get, if if the if both parties come to the table and they're willing to share their discovery so that we can just get to the sort of the heart of the matter, which is how are we going to divide things? And you know, obviously we haven't talked about the kid component, and kids are a whole different part of the analysis, but bleeds into it too. How do we do this so that again we have control of our lives? What this looks like when the divorce is finalized. Because otherwise, you're leaving it in the hands of you know, the person who hears maybe a day's worth of testimony and then has to make life-changing decisions for both parties and for the kids involved. And a lot of times it's it's better left to the parties themselves who know their lives. Uh, and and while nobody feels good when they come out of it, typically, I can tell you most feel better when they've come to an agreement themselves and um haven't had to have the court weigh in and make all of the decisions. Um, but like in Oregon, you know, a case can take uh a year plus, you know, typically a year is kind of the the long end. In Washington, it can be two years. You know, there the the process in Washington is is harder to get a trial, longer to do certain things, faster to do other things than in Oregon necessarily. But in cost, cost is comparable, but depending on the issues, it's very, you know, we've had cases that are people are negotiating and it is 5,000. We've had cases where people are fighting about everything and it's 200,000, like plus, like you see some fee statements and it and it can get pretty crazy pretty fast, especially with complex assets, hidden assets, these type of things. But those aren't the norms, you know, the norms are much more way lower than that, high number, of course.

Steve Altishin 10:33

Well, and that's good to hear because you get these things online is your divorce is gonna cost at least minimum 35,000 and it doesn't have any explanation. And everybody comes in like, oh my god, this is gonna ruin me. And one of the things you talked about, I kind of want to expand a little bit because the the the kind of stress of the legal

Discovery And The Dirty Laundry Fear

Steve Altishin 10:55

system. How many times does someone come in? I mean, and and and say, Do I really have to like show all my dirty laundry? I mean, how much bad stuff is gonna come out?

Lewis Landerholm 11:06

So the yeah, the answer is always it depends. It depends on what one is there, two, what the other side will agree to in just straight negotiations. We can agree not to do full discovery. But for the most part, judges have seen everything, we've seen everything. The system is kind of immune to dirty laundry, it doesn't really matter. Um, nobody really cares. We just want to help to get to help get the parties to the finish line and hopefully come up with an arrangement that is palatable for everybody. So it's way, it's way better to just come to the table with everything because when you start to when when one attorney feels like the other side is hiding things, that's when things get more expensive, take longer, because now we have to dig, now we have to wonder what are what more is out there, what are they hiding, and and that's when things get trickier and more expensive.

Steve Altishin 12:05

Yeah. And that's where your years of experience come in. You you know those kind of routes to get to the end. We talked about children.

Kids And Moving Out Safely

Steve Altishin 12:14

I imagine I imagine there's a lot of concern about what's going to happen with the kids, and you know, not just between us, but but how's it gonna affect the kids?

Lewis Landerholm 12:23

Yeah, and and from the very beginning, who's is somebody moving out? And what happens if somebody moves out of the house, right? If one parent is going to move out. So there's a couple things that you know we talk about with I always recommend getting therapists for the kids. Um, the kids need to have somebody who is a safe place between the middle of all of this to address their concerns. That can be really helpful. And then one of the concerns and questions is always should I move out of the house? Because living together, going through this, can be extremely stressful. Typically, the answer is yes, that can get done. It happens all the time. We do like to have a parenting plan in place before that happens because it can definitely shift the bargaining power essentially to the parent who is staying at the home with the kids. The parent who moves out has a harder time getting time with the kids. So we we definitely try to recommend negotiating some sort of temporary parenting plan, whether it's court order parenting plan or whether it's just an agreed-upon parenting plan. That's one of the things that we work on at the beginning so that you're not starting a kind of an uphill battle to get back to where you were with the kids. So those are kind of the initial concerns about kind of how to help with when kids are involved in a divorce.

Child Support And Spousal Support

Steve Altishin 13:48

Yeah. So how many people come in and the first question is something like, okay, how much child support are I got to pay?

Lewis Landerholm 13:56

Yeah, that and spousal. So uh support in general. Child support's a little bit easier because there's a calculator at least, you know, we can go to spousal in in Oregon, is in Washington too. We don't have a calculator per se, it's very subjective to the judge, county to county, judge to judge, factual set of facts to set of facts, it can vary. And so that's a big concern for people is what does, you know, what is the support number going to look like? And while, you know, we have some guidance with previous awards in different cases, there's no one size fits all. There's no exact answer that we can point to and say this amount we can give ranges, but we need to know a lot more of the facts before we can get into that and duration as well. Typically starts at half the number of years of marriage, but there's ways to argue one way or the other, either increasing or decreasing. And so it's a much more of a subjective analysis than what people I think realize. And so it's not an easy answer to just you know spit out, oh yeah, you're gonna pay X number of dollars. I think in general, we've been doing this long enough that we can give a decent range, but there's a lot of factors that go into impact on what the final number looks like.

Steve Altishin 15:14

Yeah. And in your initial consultations, do you see where when the concerns come out and you you make these explanations like we're doing, it it do you see start to relief come in in clients?

Lewis Landerholm 15:31

Most of the time. Sometimes there's more fear. Depends on the answers, right? Depends on which depends on what you are hoping the answers are going to be. That's what attorneys do, right? We see instead of your friend who's seen one case or the person you know who knows of five divorces, we see thousands of divorces and across all the counties and across all the judges. And so what we can do because of that is we're applying all of that knowledge to your set of facts. So we're able to say, okay, based on what you're telling me, this is what typically happens in this county, maybe even this judge, you know, if we can get that specific depending on the experience that we have with those individual judges. But for the most part, once you get that knowledge, it just helps you feel at least relieved, even if the answer is not what you want, at least you know. And so you know, that's where we help people, even when they're going through mediation, to give them the knowledge, because otherwise you're just negotiating and you don't have a basis for why you're negotiating something versus another position. And so that's really how we can help the most, especially at the beginning, beginning, is just to take away the unknown and the concern about how does this complicated process actually work.

Steve Altishin 16:54

Yeah, the fear of the unknown is is massive. And I imagine that some people will or people will come in with a concern that something needs to be done now. I mean, there's something bad going on, and maybe that is true, maybe it doesn't turn out to be, but but that's gotta be concerning, especially with kids involved and they're already in a bad relationship.

Lewis Landerholm 17:17

Yeah, and for the most part, I mean the legal process is slow. For the most part, nothing really happens that quickly, and nothing typically has to happen that quickly. There are one-offs and exceptions to the rule for sure. And that's something that we talked through at the very beginning of a case. But for the most part, the system is built to take time and it's going to be slower than anybody wants it to be, but it's on purpose so that people will attempt to settle and come up with other alternatives rather than you know using the court's time to uh solve all the problems.

Steve Altishin 17:49

Probably a dumb question, but do you find that people are afraid of to tell you their concerns? And is that something that you actually want to get out right at the beginning?

Lewis Landerholm 18:02

We can't help if we don't know, right? Like we we can't help to alleve the concern if we don't know what the concern is. So, yeah, a lot of it is like, you know, what questions, what are you trying to figure out at the beginning, you know, so that um that's a question I ask all the time is, you know, what what can I help you figure out as you're trying to navigate this complicated process? Um, and again, just what are the because it also helps us to build their goals of what they want to achieve when this is all said and done, right? And so it helps us to know, you know, if somebody's biggest concern is where am I gonna live? Well, maybe, maybe we need to adjust what we're asking for and adjust their strategy to keep the house more than we would in another case. There could be another case where people are like, yeah, I don't care about the house, I just want it sold and we'll move on, right? But but other people, maybe that's the only house they're ever gonna be able to afford to buy. And so they will trade whatever they can trade to keep the house. Those things are helpful for us to know, and and we find those out from the concerns generally, so that then we can help to shape how we're gonna strategize the case. So it's the most important part of things at the beginning. Um, it helps us to really understand where we think the harder parts of the case are gonna be and also what the most important work will be.

Steve Altishin 19:24

So these clients are getting a lot of information. It it's not just like, okay, this is what you need to pay me, and then I'll start talking to you.

Lewis Landerholm 19:37

Yeah, no, typically not. I mean, normally we're going through in a consultation, and I'm not getting in a consultation, I can't give specific advice because we're not hired yet and and we're not the attorney for the client yet. But we talk in more general terms, but as it applies to a certain extent, I just can't give advice that somebody relies on to go do something about. But there's a lot of information that we talk about on that initial call so that people have a good idea of how the process works. And cost and timeline is one of those things, but there's a big wide goalpost at the beginning for the most part. And so it's really not the most important part of that initial call.

Steve Altishin 20:21

Yeah.

When To Use Lawyers Or Therapists

Steve Altishin 20:22

This one's kind of interesting, but I just want to talk a little bit about I know a lot of people are afraid of how it will change their relationship with their kids, their spouse, their family, I mean, pretty much everyone. And I imagine that leads to a lot of concerns you hear about early that you aren't necessarily the the the going to cure those concerns, but you can help them figure it out, you know, who they may need or be helpful to talk to, and maybe not talk to.

Lewis Landerholm 20:59

Yeah, and that's a big part of any case, regardless of who the professional is. We're making recommendations for our clients to seek out other experts who are better suited to solve those particular problems, like mental health professional, or we've helped people find roofers where they need a new roof on a house that has to get sold, realtors, appraisals, financial analysts, appraisers for appraising personal property items, all of the whole gamut of that you can imagine. And one of those things is helping clients understand that our job is to help them understand how the law applies to their facts. But a lot of the case is uh very emotional, obviously, and there's a lot of interpersonal issues that are going to come up. And a therapist, getting a therapist involved is a very useful and for most of the time, much more cost effective than uh talking to your attorney about the same particular thing. And they're trained to do that. We're trained to apply the law to the set of facts. They're trained to help to work through the interpersonal and the emotional difficulties in the case. So, you know, we're always making recommendations as to which professionals to get involved so that people are getting the best bang for their buck for their time.

Steve Altishin 22:24

Well, we're getting close to being done, but I got one last

Should You Get Divorced

Steve Altishin 22:26

one. Do you get people who come in and just frankly sit down and say, should I get divorced?

Lewis Landerholm 22:32

Yes. The should and the when. And for the most part, I don't tell people very often that they should or when they should. Those are the again, that's more of a uh therapist uh type question, right? I mean, uh, what's going on in the in the on the emotional side of things, on the the relationship part of things is not really for me to say. Now, there are times when, yes, I'll recommend these are the challenges that you're facing where the law can actually step in and give relief. And so then maybe the question or the answer is yes, you should, or we really need to file quickly because, and typically the quickly is more when kids are involved. If there are certain facts that are one parent withholding from the other parent, then moving quickly is important. But for the most part, the when and the should is not a an attorney question. It's more of answers that are given from other people and other professionals. But just having the knowledge can help people make that decision for themselves. But it's really not my decision to make when I hope people don't have to call us back and use us. You know, I hope that they can go to a therapist and work out whatever's going on so that you know they they don't need our services. But, you know, when when our services are needed, then you know, we'll step in and we'll we'll help our clients and we'll you know fight in court and and give the knowledge and and help to negotiate all along the way.

Steve Altishin 24:04

Right, right. Well, thanks for sitting down, Lewis, with us today. I mean, we could go over and over. I mean, I I imagine I just touched the we touched the kind of the tip of some of the concerns. And I heard to say to you, like, you know, you know, what are some of the unusual things that you hear people being concerned about? You probably wouldn't have another 25 minutes on that because there's just you don't you want them to reveal them to you, even if they're not, like I said, really involved with the particular case.

Lewis Landerholm 24:36

Yeah, it's all helpful. It just helps both clients and attorneys be able to uh you know help people move forward. So happy to have those conversations um, you know, with uh with clients.

Steve Altishin 24:49

Right. And I assume that that you know your other thing you do is is uh you make a decision based on those concerns and the answer, potential answers, as to who what attorney will actually actually be representing them in that case.

Lewis Landerholm 25:08

Yeah, it helps us guide like the complexity of a case, where are the issues that are going to be kind of agreed upon? Are there issues that are more complicated that are gonna be a harder, you know, harder part of the case? Do you need more experience, less experience? And so, yes, that's that's a big part of what happens in that initial call is to you know sort of plan that not only what strategy looks like, but who's going to be doing the representation because that has an impact on you know the financials of the case, the the cost of, you know, can you work with a less experienced attorney that's going to keep costs down, or do you need somebody who has years and years of experience because this is really is, I mean, we've seen everything under the sun in family law, but every once in a while there's still something that we haven't even seen after doing this for almost 20 years. And it's like, okay, that you can't work with somebody who is fresh out of law school. You need somebody who has those years of experience. That's a big part of the the consultation as well.

Steve Altishin 26:09

Yeah. Well, I hope anyone who watches this can feel a little more relaxed that bringing their concerns to you doesn't make you know, doesn't make me look stupid, doesn't make me look bad, doesn't make me, you know, not you not want me. And and just you know, don't be afraid to lay it out.

Lewis Landerholm 26:30

Yeah, absolutely.

Steve Altishin 26:31

Great information today. This really was important stuff. And again, thank you for being here today.

Lewis Landerholm 26:40

You're welcome.

How To Get Help And Wrap

Steve Altishin 26:41

You that's great. And everyone else, thank you for joining us. If anyone has any further questions on today's topic, you can post it here. We can get you connected with one of our attorneys. And until next time, stay safe, stay happy, and be well.

Intro/Outro 26:57

This has been Modern Family Matters, a legal podcast focusing on providing real answers and direction for individuals and families. Our podcast is sponsored by Lander Home Family Law and Pacific Cascade Family Law, serving families in Oregon and Washington. If you are in need of legal counsel or have additional questions about a family law matter important to you, please visit our website at landerhomelaw.com or Pacific CascadeFamily Law.com. You can also call our headquarters at 503-227-0200 to schedule a case evaluation with one of our station's attorneys. Modern Family Matters. Advocating for your better tomorrow and offering legal solutions important to the Modern Family.