#20: The Art of Raising Kids Who Want to Hang Out With You | Parenting Advice That Builds the Deepest Parent-Child Connection

Are you ready to build a friendship with your children that will last a lifetime? Do you want to be the person your kids turn to in confidence, for advice, support and friendship? In this episode, we delve into the art of building strong parent-child relationships. Discover positive parenting strategies and effective communication techniques to connect with your children on a deeper level. We explore how to create that relationship where there is open communication, mutual respect, and genuine connection, where your kids not only love you but also love spending time with you. You want to be closer to them, but you're unsure how. You want to know what your kids need from you, but need some guidance. If you're ready to take your parent/child relationship to the level of a meaningful, authentic friendship, you're in the right place.  This episode is perfect for parents of older teens and young adults seeking to strengthen their bond and create more than just a relationship, but a beautiful friendship for life. 

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Transcript

Today’s episode is very close to my heart, because if I had to pick one thing I’m most proud of - not just as a parent – but in my life, it’s this: 

My kids actually enjoy being with me. And I don’t take that for granted for a minute. 

It’s one thing for your kids to love you because “you’re their parent”. But it’s entirely different when they: like you as a person, respect your opinion, confide in you, and just love hanging out with you. That’s a real flex, for me it is..

My 2 children are adults now. My daughter is 24 and my son is 30. They both live on their own. But that’s not why we’re close. We’ve always been. Not that every stage of parenting them has been easy, but we’ve always had great communication, honesty, respect and lots of fun. 

Although we don’t see each other every day obviously, we talk a lot. Not just about what’s going on in the world, but what’s happening in our lives, and they care as much about mine as I do about theirs. When we get together, we do things like real friends do. We run errands, try out new restaurants, work out, walk, play tennis, go to markets, see a good move, go for a bike rides..  And when our schedules permit, we plan trips together. This is how its been since they were little. I have always loved hanging out with my kids, and it’s pretty cool now that as adults, they love spending time with me. 

So in today’s episode, I’ll be talking about something I believe many parents want to know, or maybe you can relate to this, and that is: How to raise kids who love hanging out with you. 

First of all, for me, this has been very intentional. I brought my children into the world not just because I wanted to be a mother.  I wasn’t just raising kids—I was building lifelong friendships. But I knew for that to happen, I had to earn that privilege, because a close relationship between a parent and adult child, is not guaranteed. So if you want to know what it takes, I’ll give you my suggestions and if you feel like dropping a comment, sharing your own wisdom, I’m always happy to hear your thoughts. 

So let’s start with the most obvious question – which is not how you do it, although I will get into momentarily, but when does this happen – the transition from being their parent to becoming one of their best friends. 

Because I think a lot of parents try to do this too soon. And when you do that, you blur the lines. I’m not judging anyone here. But I’ll say this - you don’t have to hang out with your kids and their friends, or party with them, for you to have the type of friendship I’m talking about.

When parents do that, because they want their kids to think their cool and to like them, it often backfires.  

First of all, kids aren’t stupid. If you want them to know the type of person you are, you just should be yourself, but with the understanding that you are still their parent. Your priority is always to keep them safe, and to teach them how to become responsible adults. You might not agree with me but taking your kid out on the road to learn how to drive or having a drink with them, before they’re legally allowed to, is not being responsible. You will always be parent first, and then friend later on. 

And that brings me to another point; I think it’s so important that our children get to know us.  Our values, our morals, how we were raised, and anything that gives our children insight into our character.  

But there will always be aspects of ourself that I believe, our children don’t have to know about, because we are - to a very large extent, their role models well into adulthood. So, I don’t think we should ever be that friend who shares everything with them. 

This is not to say that you should come off as a person who’s never made a bad choice. 

I believe that kids can learn a lot from their parents mistakes. My mother for example, never had a university or college education. She got married after high school and never worked – except later on in her 60’s, when she had to, and it was her brother who hired her. She couldn’t have gotten a job otherwise. But it was my mothers lack of education, lack of skills and to be honest, her pathetic reliance on every man in her life that drove me to becoming educated and financially independent. 

And in terms of crossing the lines as a parent, because my father left when I was 3 years old and moved to another country, I was only able to get to know him when I was in my teens. 

At the time, I thought it was pretty cool that he was this free-spirited, laid back, unconventional parent who loved to party. But in hindsight, his parenting style was far from ideal. Getting high with your kids and talking about your intimate relationships with your daughter, is something I would never do with my children. Even though I loved my dad, he never earned my respect as a person. Apparently he didn’t get the memo on boundaries. And that’s a very big distinction that we as parents need to make. 

Loving a parent is not hard for a child – as long as you don’t hurt them - because unconditional love is natural for them.  But I wanted more with my kids, something really meaningful and long-lasting. 

Unlike how I felt about my parents, I wanted my children to respect me and be proud of me. I also wanted them to know with 100% certainty that I am their person, the one who will always have their back, no judgment, just someone who truly listens, and offers sound advice - mostly when asked. I always wanted them to love hanging out with me.

And just so were clear. I have never pretended to be a perfect person. That’s just way too much pressure on your kids and it’s bullshit anyway. No one is perfect.

So I have shared a lot with them, because it’s how I became who I am. Plus, the lessons that I’ve learned from my experiences have taught my kids that shit is going to happen, whether its divorce, some business failure, or just making poor choices, and that we can bounce back and become better people because of it. 

It’s really a balancing act. Always ask yourself, which of my life lessons can my children benefit from, learn what not do in the same situation. And, will that experience help them to know me better so that they feel comfortable enough to share their truths with me. 

The boundary between being their parent and becoming their friend is important when it comes to how much we share about our own experiences. When we open up thoughtfully, not just to be relatable but show them we’re human too —we can build a strong and respectful friendship.

But there’s another reason why we need to do this – that is transition from parent to friend, as they become adults. Our roles have to change.  As our children mature, they don’t like being told what to do. And it’s critical for their development into adulthood that we to stop over-parenting, over controlling and micro-managing every aspect of their lives. 

Pulling back from that type of early-stage parenting doesn’t mean losing our connection to them, which maybe many parents fear. Its about changing our purpose in their life. Going from hands on coaching to becoming an advisor, to guiding them without interfering – this process is essential for them to becoming confident, resilient, and independent.  

Actually I’ll be diving deeper into this in the next episode, where my guest and I we’ll talk about shifting from coach to advisor in the way we communicate and connect with them. So I won’t elaborate on it — but just know that it’s a necessary part of helping them grow.

At this point, I want to share with you the HOW. How do we get there with our adult children. 

First of all, there are 5 important distinctions that you’ll need to work on if this type of relationship with your kids is what you want. And honestly, I don’t think it’s ever too late to try. With the exception that if you really did hurt your child, perhaps even traumatized them, they might need therapy before you just assume they can handle a new type of relationship with you. 

What I’m saying is just because you want it now, doesn’t mean they are ready. But again, that’s only if a lot of damage has been done. So let’s just assume, for the purpose of this episode, that you currently have a healthy relationship, but you want something more meaningful. 

First, let’s talk about what your kids want and need from you.

 1. You need to respect their boundaries. Physically and mentally. Don’t call ten times a day. Don’t make them feel bad when they need space. Let them say “no” without making it all about you. Don’t rely on them to fill your emotional cup. Don’t guilt-trip them for living their life. Don’t put expectations and demands on the relationship. I don’t subscribe to the, “I’m the parent, they’re the child” way of thinking. You are both adults. If you haven’t’ from them in a few days maybe a week, reach out. I promise you that when your kid knows that you respect their time, they will think of you and make the effort. 

 2. You are not to be judgmental. If every conversation turns into a critique or a lecture, they’re going to stop calling and talking to you. They want to be able to tell you what’s going on without you freaking out or shaming them.  They want you to listen. If they ask for your advice, then you offer it.  Adult kids want connection not correction. Be the safe space where they can show up flawed and real.

 3. Show them that you are a person, outside of being their parent. Create a life for yourself with your own passions. That way, you’re interesting to talk to. Model what it means to be a fulfilled adult. They’ll be drawn to you because you’re living your life with purpose and happiness. The confidence and positivity that you exude is attractive to them. 

 And if you struggle with this, I strongly urge you to work on yourself. Parents who spend their last 20 years focused solely on their children, find themselves lost and almost depressed at this stage. But it can be a very exciting time, you just have to remember that you were a person before you were a parent. This task is as much for you as it is for them. 

4. And here’s something else your kids needs from you; Laughter. Don’t underestimate the power of shared humor. Laughter is very bonding, and it’s healing. It’s connection without pressure. If you can be light-hearted and fun, you’re creating a space they want to step into.  My point is this; No matter what’s going on in your life, don’t always unload on them child. They don’t need the weight of your stress. They have their own. Next time you pick up the phone, surprise them with a conversation that is easy going and uplifting. 

At this point, you’re probably thinking, Ok I can do most if, not all of those things. But how do I start? Where do I begin? Saying you want a more meaningful relationship is one thing. Making it happen is harder – especially if you’re starting a little later. 

So, here are my 5 actionable steps that will help you to start building this kind of bond. 

 1. Audit your energy. 

Ask yourself: Would I want to be around me right now? What perception of yourself do you think you giving your kids? Are you coming off judgemental, frantic, and negative? Or are you grounded, curious, and warm? Because by now I think you understand what’s important, when you’re working on reframing your relationship with your adult child.

2. Start Sharing Instead of Always Lecturing. Tell more stories about your day, your life, and your experiences. Skip the unsolicited advice unless they ask. And when they’re going through something, say: “Here’s what worked for me” instead of “You should do this instead.”

3. Let them be flawed in front of you. Stop trying to fix them. Let them come to you as they are. If they know they can, they will. Truth is, if your kid can’t show you their authentic self, they’ll find someone else who lets them. 

4. Make Your Time Together Feel Easy. Just like a good friend, be fun to be around. Relax when your together. Try to be more carefree. Take off your parenting hat and lean into this new role.

5. Say This More Often: “I Really Like Who You’re Becoming.” Seriously. Say it. I know a lot of parents think if they say, I love you, that enough. But if you can acknowledge the person that they’re becoming, they will feel seen. And that matters more than you think. 

Here’s the biggest take away from all of these actionable steps. For you to be someone who your kids want to be around, start by becoming someone you want to be around. 

We’re pretty much at the end here, and I want to leave you with this. As our children mature and move into different stages of their lives, they won’t need us – certainly not in the same way they did when they were younger. 

That independence, as hard as it can be to accept, means you did a really good job, and you should feel as sense of pride. A grown child that can’t leave their parents side is not a thriving adult. 

I mentioned this earlier, and I think it’s worth repeating. There isn’t anything more rewarding than when your adult children tell you that they love spending time with you.  Not because you’re paying for dinner or taking them on vacation. But because being with you makes them feel heard, understood, and safe. 

Your children will always remember how you made them feel, long after you’ve gone. That legacy is the kind of parent I’m hoping to become. And if this is important to you, then why not start today. 

 I hope you share this episode with someone who needs to hear.   As always, thank you for listening. I’m Shari Jonas, and this is Launch.