#58: When Your Adult Child Ignores Everything You Say

Do you want to know why you can't set boundaries without coming across as controlling, bossy or even disappointed? It's because with every attempt, it sounds like you're trying to tell them what to do, which drives them nuts, so you've given up. The problem is that most parents confuse boundaries with rules or  threats and that's exactly why they don't work. But I have the solution. 

If you've tried setting boundaries with your adult children only to be ignored, dismissed, or met with pushback, this episode is exactly what you've been searching for. 

I'll explain why your boundaries aren't working, what message you're sending when you don't uphold them, and how to shift from avoiding conflict at all costs to using peaceful statements to express what you value, which will make the most transformational impact, not just on you and your relationship but on your adult child's future.

If you want the exact language to use, so the words you choose bring you the respect and the results you want, my new mini booklet "Understanding Boundaries," which includes 25 guilt-free boundary-setting statements that every parents needs, is now available. 

www.parentingfx.com/boundaries

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As always, thank you for listening!

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

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Transcript

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I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older children who are struggling to move forward. If you feel like nothing you say matters, because when you try to talk, your adult either shuts down or becomes verbally defiant, and they seem perfectly content living isolated in their room, fully supported by you, with no responsibilities and no plans for the future, while you feel disrespected, unappreciated, and taken advantage of, this podcast is for you. The first step to helping your adult might surprise you, and it's also one of the hardest. You need to change. Change how you approach them, change what you say to them, change what you are willing to accept. You need to do a full 180-degree shift in how you've been parenting them. It all starts with you. Imagine the opening scene of a western. The town is in absolute chaos, complete disorder, pure bedlam. Q, the music. Everyone stops and looks up. There in the shadows, they see someone approaching them. Is it the Marlborough man? The dust begins to settle. The sun is reflecting off of a shiny object on their chest. The camera focuses a little closer. And you read the badge Sheriff. This could be you. Except the saloon doors you're about to enter lead into your adult's bedroom. And it's at that moment when your son or daughter realize there's a new sheriff in town. Are you ready to take on that role in your home, setting down a slew of laws that will restore some normalcy to what seems a very stagnant, unhealthy lifestyle? Well, they're not exactly laws. They're more like boundaries. Because that's exactly what needs to happen. You need to change how your adult sees you so they understand that what you say from this day forward will become the catalyst for their growth into adulthood, real adulthood. Many parents might have a hard time with this idea that all you need to do to help your adult child change is for you to change. But that's the truth. Your adult child is not the only one who is stuck. You're stuck too, stuck in old patterns, repeating the same cycle, holding back because you're paralyzed by fear to speak your mind, traumatized by your own childhood memories of how you were raised, weighed down by the guilt that you let this go on for so long, or you should have done things differently. And all because you don't know what to say, that won't trigger the reactions of a door slammed in your face or an explosive tantrum. But I guarantee that if you don't decide soon that there's a new sheriff in town who's gonna shake things up, that nothing is ever going to change and you will find your adult in their room forever, which is crazy and scary because you aren't gonna be around forever. So what's gonna happen to them? How will they survive without you? Today I want to offer you a solution that will help you start the process of making real changes. These are baby steps, and you might stumble at first, but with practice, what I'm about to tell you will put you on solid ground and get things moving along. The solution, boundaries, the kind that actually work, and the one thing that most parents get catastrophically wrong. But let's talk about why they are such a challenge. First, it's because most parents don't know how to express them, and when they try, the words come out all wrong, which leads to pushback, silent treatments, and even screaming matches. Over time, they lose confidence in their ability to set boundaries. And the war on boundaries in the home persists, with adult kids standing firm in their belief that their parents can't make them do anything. They're adults, after all, which for some reason excuses them from being respectful and collaborative. I want to change all that. And I know I can because I understand how to express a boundary so the message is clear, and you feel like you're making a personal declaration rather than spewing some controlling, authoritative rule that puts your adult on the defensive. Here's how you know if you struggle with setting and upholding boundaries. When you speak up about something that genuinely matters to you, such as how you want to be spoken to or how something is handled in your home, do you worry that you sound controlling? When you express how you feel about things like tidiness or privacy, does it feel as though you're being demanding? Do you experience guilt when you state a preference, especially around things that matter to you? And my last question, do you know the difference between a personal boundary and a household rule? I'm beginning to sound like a lawyer leading the witness, so let me get to the point that I'm trying to make. When you express what you will not tolerate, what crosses your line, what you are unwilling to compromise on, that's a boundary. And you are absolutely entitled, in fact, encouraged to let people know. And if they love and care about you, your boundaries will be respected. Think back to when you were a young parent with a newborn at home. Someone decided to drop in to visit, and instantly you hear them coughing and hacking, sniffling, and they reach for your infant. Would you say, I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable letting anyone hold the baby when they're sick. I feel very strongly about protecting them from getting a bad cold. I hope you can respect that. Or would you say nothing at all because you're so worried how they would react, and you're too much of a people pleaser to sound so strong-willed. Here's my definition of a boundary. And I hope that once I say this, you will begin to realize how much power you've been giving away, how simple it is to take it back, and that what you've been calling keeping the peace has actually been abandoning yourself. Boundaries are deeply personal. They represent your core values. They are your non-negotiables, predicated on what you will not accept from another person. For example, I will never tolerate being abused in any way. Boundaries protect your well-being, your peace of mind. Upholding them is an act of self-respect. Boundaries teach people that your needs matter and that there are lines that they cannot cross. Here's what boundaries aren't. They are not rules you impose on other people. They are not the ways in which you control another person's behavior. They are not demands you place on someone. They are declarations of what matters to you most. And if you struggle to set and uphold your boundaries, then the message you're sending, especially to your loved ones, is that their wants matter more than yours. I can't help but wonder who made you feel that way? What type of household were you raised in where your voice, your principles didn't matter? No need to answer that, because whatever happened to you in the past must be left there. It doesn't get to hold you hostage anymore, and it certainly doesn't get to write the script for how you show up now. Having said that, I know that when it comes to our kids, we have the hardest time setting and upholding our boundaries. We stay silent. When they borrow the car without asking and never put gas in it, when they prepare food for themselves at ungodly hours and leave dirty dishes in their room, when they continually ask you for money and they never pay you back because allegedly there are no jobs out there, not one, anywhere. Where do you draw the line? When do you get to finally put your foot down and say it's enough? I will not tolerate this behavior. It makes me uncomfortable watching you live like this. I can't accept this anymore. That, my friend, is called a boundary. And it's time you learn how to start setting them and sticking to them. That's when real change begins to happen. It's the only way you will stop living in your home dominated by an immature, confused, frightened, and insecure human who is stuck and actually needs your guidance, not your weakness. And you can stop with your guilt too. I assure you, if it hasn't already, it will turn into frustration, resentment, and anger. And if that's not bad enough, here's the last reason you need to express and uphold your boundaries. Ask yourself what message you're sending to them. It's not just how soft you are or that your words carry little weight. The deeper message is that boundaries don't matter. Since they've never respected yours, why would anyone respect theirs? So they'll struggle to speak up for how they want to be treated. That's exactly what you're modeling. Let me tell you about a time when I had to express my boundaries to my son. Several years ago, after graduating university, he got a job. He was living on his own, and while it was great that he was working towards paying off his school loan, he really didn't like it. We talked about him leaving to look for something else. We knew that he was probably going to have to move back home while he searched for something better. And of course I was happy to accommodate him, but I made it very clear that it would be temporary until he found another job. That was a boundary that I set ahead of time. I wanted him to understand that my home was a place where everyone was moving forward. That's just one of my core values. That momentum, always progressing, is something I feel very strongly about. As well, I wasn't going to support him indefinitely. He needed a plan. That's how setbacks become long-term living arrangements. My kids know that I'm always thinking about next steps, and I wasn't about to abandon my principles. I believe that if we are not moving forward, our confidence and self-worth slowly start to erode. So the boundaries I set were an expression of what I value most, and it was his choice whether or not to accept them. He understood and moved back home. While he was living with me, I shared more of what was important to me, waking up and job searching, helping out in the kitchen, keeping our shared space tidy, not leaving wet laundry in the machine. I even told him he could borrow the car, but I'd appreciate that he never left me with an empty tank. Those were my boundaries. They protected my peace, my space, and my values. We lived together respectfully and quite enjoyably for over nine months. When he finally got a job, I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he needed to step into his own life again. He found a roommate, lived close by to his work, and to this day, my son will always be welcome home if he needs a temporary place to get his life in order. When you express your boundaries as representing your core values, your adult will not take them as you being mean, bossy, demanding, or controlling. That's the difference between a boundary and a rule. Rules are enforced to control people's actions. Laws are rules. We need them, but when you make a personal boundary sound like a rule, all your kids hear is you telling them what they can and cannot do, and that does not go over well. Nor is it what a real boundary is. And just so there's no confusion, boundaries define who you are. They are your guiding principles. Here's another story. This one is about my mother. When I was younger, she told me that boys were not allowed in my bedroom. My first thought as a rebellious teenager was well, when you're not home, I'll do what I want. So no, I never respected that rule. But had she framed it as something rooted in her personal values, it would have sounded like this. Sherry, I believe that a bedroom is sacred, a private sanctuary, and inviting a young man into that space doesn't align with my values. That version, expressed as her personal boundary, is something I would have respected while I lived in her home. Your young adult will listen to your boundaries expressed as such and not your rules. What I love about establishing boundaries is that they don't just foster mutual respect and harmony in the house, they help your adult develop their own. And when you know how to state your boundaries, they can help your adult become independent, responsible, and confident. Having boundaries doesn't push people away. They teach people how to treat you and how others should treat them. In my parenting course, I talk about boundaries because I teach parents the importance of connection, communication, and helping their adults move forward. Many have shared with me that they don't know how to properly express a boundary, that it doesn't land well when they try, and the wording either triggers their adult or they don't take them very seriously. So I've created a list of 25 guilt-free boundary setting statements that any parent can use. The exact phrases can be modified according to your principles and what you feel strongly about, but the structure has to remain unchanged. Believe me, you will never wonder again how to say what you feel, and your adult will never think of your personal boundaries as controlling or demanding. The way I've written these 25 boundaries solve that problem. They're included in my new ebook called Understanding Boundaries, and it's now available. The link is in the show notes, or you can just go to parentingfx.com forward slash boundaries. Because here's the truth. Your home matters. You deserve to be respected by the people you love the most. And finally, your adult needs you to parent them with confidence and leadership, which is exactly what will happen. It's time you start saying what you've needed to say. It's the change you've been seeking all along. I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch. If this episode has made an impact on you, please remember to hit the follow button and share it with another parent who needs to hear it. And as always, thank you for listening.