#67: A Young Adult's Surprising Advice to Parents

This is my second guest who is not a parent, but a young adult, who (once again) shares their wisdom and insight into why young adults and teens struggle to connect with their parents, what they need most and offers effective approaches to turn that around. 

Sonia Suthar founder of Cloud9Go.com works with high-school students and parents teaching the real-world skills that schools rarely teach: public speaking, execution, emotional intelligence, and leadership.

In this surprising episode, Sonia shares her strategies for improving  communication through collaboration, and the importance of having family as your support system to build confidence and self-love, so young adults feel heard and respected at home. 

If you’re interested;

Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, meaning "to make right" or "to set in balance". The modern, simplified mantra consists of four phrases aimed at taking responsibility for one's inner state to heal, clear negative emotions, and restore balance: "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you"

How to connect with Sonia:

www.Cloud9Go.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/soniakatara/

Sonia’s TedTalk;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVqO3ESJ9fo&t=1s

Remember to hit the follow or subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And THIS one…should be shared with your adult child, and any adult adult (not a typo) who needs to hear it. 

Thank you for listening! 

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

Do you want to know if your adult child is struggling with Failure to Launch? Grab the FREE Failure to Launch Checklist here:  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi Sonia. Hi, Sherry. Welcome to launch. I almost forgot what it's called. Welcome to launch. I'm excited that you're joining me today.

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Yes, I'm excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Oh, it's a pleasure. You know, you're my second young adult guest who is graciously agreed to share your perspective and offer your advice to help parents understand what it feels like to be on the other side of that relationship. So thank you. Of course. I'm glad. Today we're going to be talking about how parents connect and communicate so that their young adult feels heard. I don't think there's anything more important in the parent-child relationship, so I'm excited to talk about that. I always begin on a personal note. So can you take us back to that Tony Robbins event that you attended and share with the listener what happened between you and your father? I think that experience will help our listeners really understand the dynamic between you and your dad.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

Yeah, totally. So me and my dad went to this Tony Robbins event called Date with Destiny, which is a wonderful event. And it's very intense. So our first day, we don't sit together because a date with Destiny, if you go there, you split up from your loved ones and they give you into different groups, which is great because then you get to talk to different people. And Tony Robbins asked us to do this exercise. He calls it haono ponopono, which is an ancient Hawaiian phrase. And it consists of four different phrases that you say from I love you, please forgive me, thank you, and I'm sorry. And you can do it in different ways, you can do it in different orders. But me and my dad were gonna do it together. So he calls us and he's like, Let's do this together. He knew what it was, and I knew what it was because we were both familiar with Tony Robbins. And so he walks across the entire room, like there's six thousand people, he walks across the entire room to do it with me, instead of me choosing a partner. And so we stand face to face and we say these four phrases. I'm sorry, please forgive me. I love you, and thank you. And he starts to tear up. But me, I like feel nothing. I feel weird, awkward. I don't really know how to react. But I like feel weird because I'm like, well, I should be feeling something. If he's crying, he's tearing up. And so we do this like 40 times, I want to say. It's a very healing exercise for anybody who wants to do it with themselves or with a loved one. And at the end of it, he they're like, okay, share with your partner, how was it? And my dad was like, Oh, it was so great. Like, I felt so connected. How did you feel? And I was like, Yeah, like same, totally saying that because I didn't want him to feel bad or anything, right? Because I like truly care, but I also didn't know how I felt. And so we go back down, we sit in our seats, and um, Tony Robbins walks around, right? Really tall, like six foot five, six foot seven man walking around, and he's like, Does anybody want to share their experience? And my dad raises his hand, and out of six dozen people, he gets chosen. Like, what's the craziest thing? He stands up and he says, My daughter hasn't said I love you to me in over four years, and she said it to me tonight over 40 times. And you can like feel the silence. Like, my heart was beating like so loud, and he was like, Like, is can your daughter stand up? And so, like, I stand up, and he was like, you know, I'm so proud of you for being here. Thank you for coming. And do you want to share anything? And I was like, and so I said, because I wanted I really wanted to like solve this problem with my father of like why it's awkward. And like some parents have a great relationship with their kids where they can just like hug them and embrace them, but I felt I felt the like a tension around it. And so he he's like, Do you want to share your experience? And so I share, and I'm like, Well, I didn't really feel love, it felt like weird and awkward. And we like go through a little bit more, talk about things, and then we sit down. And over the like next six days of the event, parents and teens come up to me, like hundreds, because there's a lot of people, and they're like, I felt that way. Like, I understood how you're feeling. Like, thank you for sharing that, like, thank you for being honest. Like, this really hit something in me, and I feel really seen by this. And it really like helped me find out that this is such a big problem. Like, people really struggle to connect with their parents or struggle to connect with their teens, and it wasn't just me, like I wasn't alone, like my family wasn't alone. And so that was my experience.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

What was the what was the pivotal turning point between you and your father? Are you okay now? Like, did you have you come through that?

SPEAKER_02 5:24

Yes.

unknown 5:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

As I mean, one of my things that I really think is like there's always growth, right? But I do think that we have a really strong relationship now, especially. And the pivotal turning point was probably when I became financially independent, I got a job, and I was able to live somewhere else where I had that like distance. And the distance made me closer because I felt like I had more control on my side of I got to decide when I wanted to hang out with them, and it made me want to hang out with them more. And so, like now, like I can see this like really like played out even more so in the future of like wanting to like text them or like call them and hang out with them more, and it's more meaningful too, right? Because it's you are also creating that intention. You're not just like waking up and you see your parents in the kitchen, but it's like you call them up and be like, Hey, I'd love to like have dinner with you, and then you really like value that time so much more.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

So you're saying that when you were living with them, you didn't feel that sense of autonomy?

SPEAKER_02 6:28

No, not as much. And I do think my parents tried to give it to me, but there is there is this like switch once you're on your own, you have this crazy amount of control, but also responsibility that kind of like whips you into shape in a way of like, oh, like I really need to like take care of myself and handle myself. And like parents love to take care of their kid, and that makes total sense, but also sometimes it can be suffocating for the kid, and sometimes it's like hard for the kid to figure out that they need to do work on their own. And I had so much reliance on my family from that point of view, and so once I like was out on my own, it was much more freeing because I had to figure things out, but I also had the freedom to try a bunch of different things.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

So, what I I just I want to understand what was your relationship like with your parents? And I mean, you're saying it has changed from when you were living to when you were moving, when you moved out. But what was it? So it's it's better now that you're on your own. What was it like when you were living there? Everything you just said, feeling suffocated?

SPEAKER_02 7:37

Yeah, I think I felt trapped, like I was in a cage.

unknown 7:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

And I also something that has really stuck with me, especially like when I moved out, like this is the thing that really clicked in me the first couple months back then, was I expected my parents to be perfect. I expected them, like when you're younger, like you think of your parents as superheroes. They're the like two biggest influences in your life, and they act like they're perfect in many different ways because they have things figured out, right? And so I thought they were gonna be perfect, and I wasn't able to find the like find the understanding that they are also learning and they're also experiencing life for the first time, and vulnerability was a thing that was emphasized but wasn't always practiced, and so especially like when I got older and like they were more vulnerable about like them struggling and like them wanting to create that relationship with me, it really helped that when I moved out and I found out that they aren't perfect, and like I mean, you know that consciously, but once you like actually feel the fact that they're not perfect, you can find so much grace in that. And I was able to find grace and forgiveness through that practice of knowing that they're not perfect.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

I love that. Um, you did a TED talk, yes, which I'm gonna link in the show notes, and I strongly, strongly urge parents to listen to. Um, you spoke with such poise and confidence, it was truly amazing to watch. Um, I'd love to know what inspired you. Like what gave you the courage to get on that stage? I mean, honestly, your self-confidence just I love it, just love it. So, but I'd love to know where where it came from or comes from, rather.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Yeah, I didn't have it when I was young. I was the shyest person ever. Like, it was the funniest thing. Like, I was so shy that like I was afraid of the automatic toilet flushing. Like that scared me. I like when it like flushed, I was like, I was so scared. Like, I was like, Mom, can you please do this? And like me and my brother were both so scared it was the silliest thing. But like I was really shy, like I didn't have that, and so my dad actually he was very tough on me, and it was good because now, like reflecting back, like I was able to like find that strength, but he made me do this speech workshop where I had to learn like how to learn how to talk and like get over that fear of public speaking. And once I started doing it more often, I really liked to be a leader, like I knew that, and everyone has those fascinations of like you can tell that your kids just automatically really good at this one thing. And I knew that I really liked speaking, and so once I like had a idea of like getting on a TED talk, and one of my mentors was like, You should do this, I think you have something to say, and I was like, Okay, let me do it, let me apply, and let me just try. And it worked, and so like the inspiration was just the fact that I wanted something to say, and I also wanted to build credibility at that young age so I could help other people. And it's really hard to build credibility when you're younger because you don't have that experience that everyone else does.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Do you have a role model?

SPEAKER_02 11:07

I think my biggest role model is probably Tony Robbins.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

No kidding. Yes, um, we should tag him on this.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Yeah, he's uh he's definitely something that somebody that my parents really emphasized from a young age. Like they went through a lot of events when I was younger, and then just the events that I have gone to, and uh my dad when I was younger, we didn't listen to music, we listened to Tony Robbins' personal power cassette tapes 24-7 in the car, and that's all we listened to. And I was very like, I was very combative on that. I did not like that. Like, my mom would always listen to meditations with us in the car, and I was like, what are we doing? Like, this makes no sense. But how looking back, like Tony Robbins, I just feel very connected to him and his wife just because of the way that they just want to serve people at such a high level, and that has become like my mission and goal to do that too.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Um, I do have this might be a stretch of a question, but I want to ask you, why do you think so many young adults struggle with self-confidence?

SPEAKER_02 12:19

You know, I think that's a great question. I think one of the reasons comes back to parenting of when you're when you're like taking care of your child and guiding your child, you don't want them to fail. And so a lot of times you'll try to curb them from not failing. And so they don't get to take those risks, and then they don't get to learn how to be confident on their own, whether they fail or don't fail. And then also the way that failure is framed nowadays is so unhealthy. And I had to change that for myself, and I'm still doing that, like I'm still like struggling with failing. But failing for most people is like the end of the world, and you just have to realize that like every failure gets you closer to that success. And it's easy to think about like when you say it, but like actually doing it and actually like going through it is a lot harder. But building that self-confidence really goes back to trying things, executing, and then failing, getting feedback and doing it again, and then also knowing that you have a set support system that's gonna love you no matter what, and that starts with your parents. And parents love you unconditionally, and so building that and then also loving yourself unconditionally and building that worth is how we can build that self-confidence. But it's really hard when you let all these external, like society, people, friends who are maybe not truly on your side to dictate how you feel about yourself.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Great answer. It's fantastic. How do you feel about social media?

SPEAKER_02 13:57

It's a tool, but a lot of people misuse the tool and they get consumed by it. And so I think that intention really goes into it of like when you're on social media, when you're about to like go on it, at first ask yourself, like, what's my intention? Like, why am I going on it? And for me, like I I love like watching TikTok, I love fashion, and so I could scroll for days on there, but I have this shortcut, like blocking app where it's like, do you really want to go on Instagram, TikTok? And it like asks you before you enter the app. So you really have to think about it, and you really have to be like, oh, like, do I really want to go? So, like adding that intention of do I really need to go on the app is really important, and everything's fine with moderation. Social media is a vice, but also it can be a virtue if you use it correctly. So as long as you create that moderation and intention, I think it's great, but I think it's really hard because a lot of people see what's on social media and think of it automatically as truth. So having that skepticism. And also 10% of like the population or 10% of whoever is on social media is the ones who are creating 90% of the media. And that's crazy to think about, but it's not the entire world, it's just the set number of people who are actually posting and the rest of the people are consuming. And so you can't really take everything as truth, you know.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Right, right. Let's talk a bit about self-advocacy. Tell me because when we spoke earlier, um, you brought it up, and I want to know how did you begin building that skill in your own life?

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Yeah, so self-advocacy meaning like just speaking out for yourself, would you say? Totally. I think it's super important, and it kind of goes into like asking for help. A lot of people don't want to ask for help because it makes them like think that they're vulnerable and vulnerability is weak. But when you like advocate for yourself and you know like who you are and what you need, then it's so healthy because then people can show up for you in the right way, especially the people that love you. So, like something that I wish that I was better at is like when I'm going through something tough and I need to talk about it, then I want to like vent and I don't want somebody to fix me. I don't want somebody to help me, I just want somebody to hear me. And this like goes into my parents because they love me so much that they just want to fix everything, right? But I just want to be heard. I just want to like get it out, and by getting it out, I feel better. And so the thing that I am trying to instill into not only my relationships with my parents, but like romantic relationships and other like friends is like when I talk, I want to be like, I want to be heard, I just want to be heard, or I just want to be helped, and just giving that intention after, and then also on the opposite side, like I have a brother and I love my brother and I feel like we have a great connection, but sometimes I just want to fix and like help him. And so, like asking that question of like, what do you want from me right now? How can I support you in the best way?

SPEAKER_01 17:17

You're referring to those three H's. So let's tell let's tell the listener what those are because those are very powerful. It's a tool for offering support to distressed loved ones. So please tell the listener what those three H's are.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Yes, it's such a great question. So whenever you're venting or whenever somebody's venting to you or talking to you, you should ask them, do you want to be heard, helped, or held? Do you want to be heard? Do you just want them to listen to you? Or do you just want to be listened to? Do you want to be helped? Do you want to be, do you want help? Or do you want to be held? Do you just want love? Do you just want physical touch? And asking these three just like main questions instills that like, okay, what is the intention around this? And then how can you show up best? Because when you can show up best for the other person, then you're gonna both feel loved. And then you can also advocate for what you want.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

Yeah. It's so true. It's helpful for both sides, I find. As a parent. As a parent, when I'm talking to my kids, I have to it's the first thing I think about like what do they need from me right now? Because I'm I'm one of those people that just wants to fix and not rescue, but I want to solve problems. But I've learned it, you know, early on that my kids don't want that. They they don't want me to fix everything. So now I've learned to be really good at listening. But even asking in advance the three H's is just a beautiful technique for parents, and that's what that's what this podcast is all about giving parents you know practical tips. Um you also identified three key tips for how people how young people would like to be approached that would really help to improve communication. So the first one was respect first, the second is questions over commands, and the third one is Collaboration over control. Yes. So how would you define collaboration for the for us?

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Yeah, so collaboration is like both of you guys have that end goal. You want your kid to be happy, and you can break it up in like you want them to get a job or do something like that. And so for this, collaboration is you both have this same goal. And how can you work together to get to that point? And that's the question you should be asking yourself and your kid. And a really good way of doing this that I have done with my parents when I was back and living at the house. We did this for a couple weeks and it was really good, is doing a weekly check-in. So you choose one day of the week, right? And it could be at dinner time. It's really easy to like stack it on to something that you guys already do together. So you go and you sit down and you're like, what is working well? And you talk to every single person at the table, right? So it's like, Dad, you did really good with supporting me. Thank you, mom, for the flowers that you bought me, and then thanks for my brother for just like making me laugh. And then it's like, what can we work on? Is there anything collectively we can work on? Is there anything that I'm struggling with? And like my mom can be like, Well, I'm doing a lot of dishes right now, and I feel like I want some more support on that, and so then we all collectively collaborate together and we're like, what can we do to help? And it's really good to like start off with what's working well, right? Because you want to give them compliments. I mean, your family, you love them, and they're doing so many good things for them. So starting off with the wins is so important, and then how you can improve, and then you can take up like past news, like old things that you like attempted to solve to just make sure that they're still working right. So let's say, like last week, dad's like, nobody's helping me fix the car, and I feel really like just boggled down. And so we can be like, Do you feel like you have the support now? Now that like my brother's helping, and like I've taken over and done some cooking, things like that. So then you can really ensure that you guys are all collaboratively working together, but then it's that respect piece of like both of you guys are working together, it's not just one or the other coming up with the ideas, but you like respect each other to validate both sides, and then also the questions piece of asking the questions. I mean, you know that your kids are very smart, and so asking those questions so they can come to the solution is so important, but also like that instills the questions in your kids where they can ask it to you, and questions. Are so powerful. They're power, they're more powerful than telling what to do because then you're coming to your own conclusion. And it's stronger when you say it instead of when somebody else tells you what to do.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

And let's talk for a minute about control. What does that feel like for a young person to not have control because their parents are so insistent on the control?

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Yeah. So control for a young person feels very trapping. It feels like I am not trusted to do whatever I want to do. And it's it's hard because you know that your parents are doing it out of love. And that's something that I like found. Like I knew their intention was wonderful. And that's something that like a kid has to build to, right? Even like an adult, like they still have to like learn, like they're doing it out of good intention, but it still feels trapping. And it's hard because it you feel powerless. And then when you feel powerless, you don't want to do anything. And you don't also want to listen to what they're saying because then it's like they win instead of you doing it out of your own accord. And it's very important, especially for people ages 10 to 25. David Yeager has this wonderful book called 10 to 25. And he says this really key thing that stuck with me of people from this age want status and respect and autonomy. And so if you're not cultivating that in the environment that you're in, then it's really hard for the kid or adult to do anything. And I mean, even like reflect for yourself, like you want status in some type of way, right? You want significance with the people that you love and you also want respect. And I'm not saying that the kid or the adult child should only give the respect, but it really has to go both ways. And when you're the example, when you're the biggest influence, then you can help create that where your kid will also respect you. But since you're the stronger one and you're the authority figure, you by being the example will make it so much stronger for them.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Mm-hmm. W how what do you do to stay so centered when you're if you're you know feeling stressed and or anxious? What do you do? Do you have any tricks in your bag that you can share with parents who can share with their young adults what happens when things just get a little out of hand and overwhelming? Because you have a very calm demeanor about you, and I could feel it even though we're virtual, I just can feel this calmness. So, what do you do when things get a little nutty?

SPEAKER_02 24:45

Yeah. I mean, going to my support system is definitely number one and talking to them, and also having different routines where you can feel grounded. And everyone has their own routines. It could be like breathing, it could be meditating, it could be as simple as going on a walk. Or in the morning, something that I do to really create that self-love because it's a it's a continuous journey, is like I will look at myself in the mirror and ask, like, how can I show up for myself today? And it's a wildly intimate thing to do. And like sometimes you'll find yourself tearing up because it's it's like easy to like write and journal for some people. But when you actually are looking at yourself and looking into your own eyes, like you're the person you have for the rest of your life. You're the only person in the entire world that you're gonna be with for the rest of your life. And that's so crazy to think, but it's so true. And so being able to show up for yourself as number one is so grounding because it'll stay with you for the rest of the day. And I would say the last thing that I do is I have a phrase, one phrase that continuously keeps me grounded when things are tough. And then I have an anchor. So for me, like my phrase is the universe is conspiring in my success. And then I like clench my fist, clench my right fist. And by continuously doing that over the day, it's really helpful because it's like, oh, well, you just got caught up in traffic. It's okay. The universe is conspiring in my success. It's okay, it's gonna be fun. Like, and this could be like God is with me. This could be like people love me. It could be anything that you just know is inherently true, and you can just find yourself coming back to that. And then also doing that physical anchor is so good because then when you just clench your fist, you can feel the energy go through your body. You can feel it. And it you don't always have to say it, but you can feel it. And it's so powerful because you're showing up for yourself and you're also reframing your thoughts in a positive way.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

That's unbelievable advice. I don't think it's for kids, I think it's for everybody. I love it. You know what's funny, you you mentioned something, you said uh you were talking to yourself in the mirror as if you were separate to yourself. You only have yourself in this life, but you said it as if there's like you and yourself. There was a separation. It was like you. Do you understand what I'm saying? There was a not, you weren't, and that's a very important distinction for everyone to understand because when you're feeling anxious, you can there the your centered self, your core self, could actually have a conversation with your anxious self and say, like, you're okay. It's that there's an um, it's not just even a duality. There's you know, I learned this many years ago from this author, Shotgun Gawain, and she said that we all have sub-personalities. Where as opposed to multiple personality disorder or, you know, fractured schizophrenia, whatever, they have their subpersonalities, but they don't, they're not connected. Like when you when you when you go from one sub to another, you disassociate. But we all have subpersonalities. Every time we develop a new part of ourselves, we develop that subpersonality. And so we have to, if we can honor them, because some of our subpersonalities are positive and some are negative, but there's the core self. And I feel like you kind of addressed it when you're looking in the mirror and you're saying, you know, we got this, you know, because it's almost like you're addressing your core self, or your core self is addressing that other part of you that's got to go throughout the day. So it's just something that I've I remembered, and you made me think about how strong that is when you don't see yourself as all of your identities, but something separate. So when you feel not so strong, you can nurture that part of you that's having a rough day or that needs to be grounded. And so yeah, sort of going off on a tangent, but it just reminded me of these subpersonalities and how identifying with your core self or with the parts of yourself that might be struggling is very powerful. I want to know your perspective on boundaries because parents really, really struggle uh to set and uphold them. Or is it, or maybe either the young adult has trouble and they push back because of how the parents are trying to uphold them. So, what's your take on boundaries? And I know you're not living at home anymore, but most of our listeners, their children, or young adults, are at home. So they they there's definitely a need for boundaries. But I I want parents to understand there's a distinction between a rule and a boundary. And as long as your children, adult children, understand that, but it's they don't often know even how to express it. So on the other side of things, tell me what it's like for you. Do you feel that it's important for parents to express what their boundaries are? And as well for you to have your boundaries respected and expressed.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Yeah, I think it's so important. And I think it's collaboration, right? You have rules and you have boundaries. And for boundaries, it's so good to come together and be like, I want you to be happy and I want you to be successful and living the best life that you can. And I also want to be able to take care of myself and make sure that I'm grounded as a parent so I can show up for you and for my significant other. And these are how and these are expressed through boundaries of like if if you're at home for my family, it's expected that we like do chores and we help out and we make sure that a room is clean, things like that. And so, like writing out a list of boundaries for yourself, for you as the parent, and then also encouraging the kid to do it too. Of like the kids, like, I feel respected when you knock at the door. So this is gonna be one of my boundaries. And then the parents like I would feel appreciative if you did your own dishes. And that's something that like my family, like, we do our own dishes. And then it's like a big thing that like my mom like really likes is like if like we like talk to her like after dinner, we're like, is there anything else I can do to help you after like we put our dishes away? And that could be a boundary of like, I'd like if you talk to me and ask if there's anything that you can do to support. And then the kid can be like, it it feels constraining when you tell me what to do. And when you tell me I have to do it right now. And so I'd like if you want me to take out the trash to give me a day in advance or a couple hours in advance, or a couple hours of grace, so I can manage my time on my own, but I can still serve you in the way that you want me to. And so it's like doing it together of like, this is something that I have, this is something that I have, and then you just keep collaborating back and forth and iterating upon it. And then that's like something good in the weekly check-in. If you wanted to incorporate that, of like, do you feel like your boundaries are being upholder? Is there any more that you want to add, or is there any that you feel like you want to take away? And if you feel like each other's boundaries are constantly being broken, then displaying it somewhere so people are constantly aware of the boundaries is so important. And then also being like signing off on each other's boundaries. It's like my roommates and I have a household agreement where we signed off and said, like, these are the things that we're gonna do. We're gonna do our own dishes, we're gonna put them away. And if anything comes up, we're gonna talk about it transparently so it doesn't build up into an issue. And that's like the biggest thing that is most important to me because I don't ever want it to be like something where like somebody's resenting somebody else because they just don't know what's going on. And so signing off on each other's reading through them and understanding them, and then also for the parent side, like having consequences.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

I'm just about to ask you about consequences. I was just waiting for you to finish. Go on.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

Yes, I think they're needed, and as a kid, like you can, I mean, you can understand of like my brother, he uh sped in the car, and my parents had a boundary of like you're not allowed to speed in the car. And if you do, then you're gonna lose your phone for the entire month. And so he sped, and my parents were like, Well, you did this, and this resulted in this, and we communicated before telling you about this, and so this is a consequence, and it was easier for my brother to grasp that because he knew the consequence in advance, and so even if you just talk about it, you need to write it down in like a family group chat or something, so you can go back and cite upon it, and that's super important, and it should be something where it's like not an incredibly like living document where you could edit it, but like in our family group chat, we had like a text message of like this is what happened, and so he could go back and see that it they previously agreed upon. So, like consequences are so important, but they should be agreed upon. It's like, well, if you don't do your dishes, then you're gonna have to pay me this month's rent. And this makes sense because like if you were staying somewhere else, then of this, but like what do you think about it? And then the kid could be like, I understand, but I'm really busy with doing my job and stuff. And so then the parent can go back and then they can just collaborate back and forth. And like you can consult a like unbiased figure, you can consult somebody else, or you can consult AI of like, I I want to make this work, and so like AI, like you can think of it as just like an unbiased machine that can understand your emotions but doesn't have any emotions, and so like you could be like, I'm struggling with this certain boundary, and so then you guys talk to it together and be like, this is what my adult child says, this is what I say, and then put it together, and the AI will be like, Okay, well, it'll give you different questions and then it'll try to come up with a response. And you can continuously ask it for hours if you wanted, but it's really helpful to like write it out, get it down somewhere, and then continuously uphold it inside it, especially during your weekly check-ins or however you communicate.

SPEAKER_01 35:51

It's fantastic. I mean, I have a living together guide that I that I created for families who have trouble with all of this responsibilities, expectations, routine, structure, uh, uh, consequences, boundaries, all of that. And it's interesting because you're saying that you do that as a group chat, which I think is fantastic once you get once you get it down on paper. And also for the for the young adults that are too obsessed with their cell phone usage and screen time, it's a way for the parents to come to the table and collaborate and create that document, and then you can iterate again and again. Once you you don't have to like live and die by an agreement, but it's also a good way for a young adult to go, okay, this is an agreement, and I signed it, and I have to uphold it because agreements are a part of life, so you might as well try it at home. Yeah. And the uh ability to negotiate is very powerful because you have a voice. In fact, consequences are very empowering when you say to the young adult, you decide your consequences. I'm not gonna tell you what I'm gonna take away. And that's something I did when my kids were small. If I had to kind of punish them, I knew first of all, I needed to calm down. So it was almost a good opportunity for me to leave the room because I didn't want to say the wrong thing or punish in a way that I couldn't uphold it.

SPEAKER_00 37:19

So I would say, okay, I'm gonna take a breath and you're gonna tell me what you think of the punishment. And the it's I would come back and my kid would have like a harsher punishment than I was gonna do.

SPEAKER_01 37:32

But I think the same thing can be said about uh consequences, because now you're saying to that young adult, listen, this is the boundary, there will be no speeding. What do you think we should do when you if you should you do that? Should you go against the boundary or whatever, call it a house rule? What would the consequences be? Anytime, anytime you can empower your young adult to make those decisions, you know, express their boundaries, what are the consequences? It's very, very, very powerful. Because that's when you start feeling like an adult in your own home.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

Totally. And like there's two things that I would add on of like, well, it's not only you making the boundaries as a parent, but it's also the young adult making the boundary. And so it's both of you guys. So you both have to uphold it, which is like it's it's not like okay, well, only one person's doing the work, but you're both encouraging yourselves to grow. And then also, if the young adult's like, well, this makes no sense, well, then be like, well, there's a bunch of examples out in the law of like, well, if you don't go to school, then you're gonna go and be in trouble. If you speed, then you're gonna have a fine. Like, there's a bunch of examples of there's this is their rule and this is their consequence. So this does play out in the real world. And by practicing it now, then you can be able to have that understanding.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

I know if anybody's listening to this, I just don't stop. I can't stop smiling because everything you're saying, I feel so, I feel so in alignment with you. It's incredible. And yet I'm the parent and you're the young adult, and yet you're saying things that I feel that are just like unbelievable for me to hear that because so many parents are so afraid and there's so much pushback. And the young adult's like, I, you know, I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do. That's one of the harshest things for parents to hear because they're sitting, they're living with their young adult, they're not acting like a young adult. Far from it. They have no responsibilities, they're literally not thriving at all. I'm I'm talking no school, no studying, no chores. And when they scream back at their parents, you can't tell me what to do. It's it's very, it's I want to say heartbreaking because the parent feels, well, what what what do what can I say? And I and I'm the first one to say anything you want with respect. With respect. Um but you know, it's so cute. Um, you know, you're you're a young adult, you're so far from having from being a parent, and yet you you have such wonderful wisdom about you that I I wonder what it would be like when you are a parent, and how would you handle if you have, you know, a young adult in their room online, gaming, scrolling, whatever, and absolutely refuses to do anything, tells you that you know they're depressed and they don't know what they want to do with their life, uh, and you can't tell them anything because they're an adult. So what would you how would you go about it? Like let's let's turn, let's flip the switch here and you be the the adult and help help them with how to approach, how to connect, how to communicate with this young person that's just uh who's literally just stuck.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

I would probably go a very strict route of if they're living in my house and they're past 18, 19, and they aren't doing anything, then I wouldn't pay for anything of this. And I would I wouldn't pay for their Wi-Fi or their phone or anything like that unless they're actually proving to me that they're doing work. And I do think that mental health is a big thing that's present, and so that's why I think like creating that connection of like, hey, like I'm here to support you, but I'm also not supporting you if I'm just letting you freeload off of me because you're not learning anything. And the number one thing that you should be doing in life is growing. And I don't care how you grow, but as long as you're doing one thing to grow, and then we can build up from there. It's very hard when when you're in very like defeated state, doing multiple things seems hard. So, like we can start small of like, let's go to walk every day, or let's just sit outside in the sun every day. And the sun is an insane thing. A lot of it's body, a lot of it's the fact that they're not moving their body, that they're not out in the sun, getting vitamin D, that they're not working out. And working out is a very powerful thing of like you find control in your life because you're being able to control your body. So I think I would start with that, and then if and then like asking them questions and consistently creating that connection of like, what maybe if you could do anything and you wouldn't fail, or whatever they're afraid of, what would you do? And then be like, okay, let's let's get a path to doing that. And to do anything in life, all you need are are skills and connections. Okay. And that's just like the basis of it. So if if they just want a job, if they just want to get a job, then we can start by just looking for one. And maybe they work for you, and they're just like doing the little things of like talking on the phone and like scheduling meetings and just creating that autonomy of they know what to do and they can get it done. Byrd is a good example of like he was very demotivated until he decided that he wanted a job because he wanted like my parents didn't give him money. They were like, you need to do this and you need to create your own money. And he's young, he's 17. But I think a lot of kids go through this like demotivated state of like they don't know what they want to do. And so he got a job, he like applied to many different places, and he got a job at discount tire. And so all he does is he like takes tires off, puts them on, and the change that just happened with him of like he felt power in himself to do that is crazy. And so starting small, starting with body, not not giving them free, not giving them things, like they don't, unless you're doing something, then they don't deserve the privileges. And if they have a mental disorder, then a therapist is totally valid, but if it's mostly mental Motivation, then I think a life coach is great. And also providing unlimited support of I'm here to support you and I love you and I want you to live the best life ever. And it can be anything you want to do as long as you're growing, as long as you're doing something and you're also providing for yourself. And I'm not saying you have to provide for yourself right now, but I want to get to you to that point. And I think that's incredibly valuable. And the only thing, like, of course, you're gonna pay for where they're like staying and you're gonna pay for their food, but like I wouldn't pay for their phone, I wouldn't do any of that. And if they really like wanted like to contact their friends, then I'd be like, write letters because teens need discipline, everyone needs discipline, and you have to create that discipline somehow, and you also need to create that hunger. If they don't have that hunger to do something else, if they're not they're not gonna change unless they there's enough pain to make them change or there's enough pleasure in the next reward. And so you need to figure out how to create that, and pain is twice as likely to make somebody change than pleasure.

SPEAKER_01 45:14

I feel like I don't have to say anything. I mean, I have years of psychology, and you're just I don't you're just pulling this out. Have you studied psychology, human behavior? Like, or this is just so intuitive for you.

SPEAKER_02 45:27

A little bit. Tony Robbins events definitely has taught me a lot, but I mean, a lot of it is intuitive and also me just trying to figure it out for people I love and also myself and also my parents. Like I tried to give my parents feedback and like tried to like help them and teach them. And some of the times it didn't work so well, and some of the times it did. And it's just like practice.

SPEAKER_01 45:51

We're getting close to the end, uh, but I do want to talk about a couple more things. Um, modeling. Because we talked about it, and I'm a big fan of it, and you seem to believe in the importance of modeling. Um, because communication, which is you know our our our underlying topic here, but modeling is a non-verbal form of communication. So um, if you can share a little bit about what you think uh how important modeling is, especially when it comes to emotional regulation or you know, how your parents or parents communicate with one another, what's your what's your uh opinion on the importance of modeling?

SPEAKER_02 46:30

I think it's one of the most important things. Like what I was saying earlier of like you're the two biggest influences in your kid's life. Like you as a parent are a huge influence in your kid's life, and they're learning traits from you, subconsciously or consciously, like they're learning traits from you, and you can see it. Like you can even see like reflecting of like, hmm, what did my parents do that I feel like I do now? And you can and you'll probably come up with at least something. And it's like it's just so ingrained to like have those traits. So you as a parent have a really hard job of everything you do is on constant display. You can't just be like, do as I say and not as I do. You actually have to do the things that you want your kid to embody, which is like being vulnerable, being disciplined, like going, going to work, being excited about it, having a good attitude, and then going home, cooking dinner, and then rewarding yourself like with like, I don't know, watching TV or whatever. But if you find yourself doing the certain patterns that you don't want your kids to be doing, and you're trying to get them to stop doing it, it's really hard to expect that from your child if you're doing it.

SPEAKER_03 47:45

Right.

SPEAKER_02 47:47

And that's just unreasonable and also won't work because they're consciously learning from you. They're they're learning from you every second of the day. And it's even in how you speak. If like you're saying like you should do this, you're not doing good at this, then either they're gonna speak to you like that, or they're gonna speak to their friends like that.

SPEAKER_01 48:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:09

And I mean, it's the it's the silliest thing, but it kind of goes back to the golden rule of treat people how you want to be treated. It's not silly at all.

SPEAKER_01 48:17

That's uh that is not silly at all. Um sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 48:22

And it's just like do be the person that you want your child child to be. And my parents always say this of like, I want you to be even better than me. And so that means that they're on their best behavior at all times.

SPEAKER_01 48:37

Yeah. Emotional regulation. You have something to say about it?

SPEAKER_02 48:42

I think emotional regulation is super important and it goes back to the modeling of if you can't regulate your own emotions, then expecting them to know how to do that is unreasonable. And also if you can regulate your emotions, teaching your child, teaching your child those like skills of emotional intelligence and just helping them be aware of them, right? Because awareness is the number one thing to do anything, to change anything is like okay, and also make the decision based on yourself. Don't be like, well, okay, I see you're mad right now. Be aware that you're mad. No, be like, I'm over here, and I had a I had a funny situation at work, and somebody cut me off when I was talking in the meeting, and I got frustrated, and I was aware of it. And normally I would have like yelled at them or been past aggressive to them. But today I decided to do something different in this story with awareness, and just telling them stories about you creates that connection, shows that you're vulnerable with them, and also you're teaching them those stories, but also not telling them. They're learning themselves based on what you're doing, they're like decoding it.

SPEAKER_00 49:56

It's such a great trick. You're giving away good tricks, my dear.

SPEAKER_01 50:03

Um okay, before we wrap up, uh, can you tell the listener about your company and what you do?

SPEAKER_02 50:10

Yeah, so uh my company is called Cloud9, and we teach teenagers life skills. So these are high schoolers right now, and I really want to expand to teenagers who are older, older adults. And we provide them with life skills, a community, and then also real opportunities so they can execute. And if this sounds interesting and you have a teen that's in that age range or you know somebody, I would love the referral. I would love to help them because my biggest goal is to help these teens have these life skills to give them a edge up on life, to create a fulfilled and successful life, but also have a community that they can fall back on in a support system.

SPEAKER_01 50:57

You want to share a few of those uh life skills? Because that's I love I love the words life skills. And it's it's very hard for parents to teach them, especially if some parents haven't been taught themselves or they struggle. So I'm so glad that you're doing this. But what are the life skills that you think that teens really do need to learn that are not being taught at home? For no fault of the parents, but just you know.

SPEAKER_02 51:24

And these life skills are for anyone, but we're teaching teens because it's just like the best age ring to teach. But anyone should have these life skills of emotional intelligence, would be number one, right? Regulate your emotions, know who you are, know what happens when certain things happen and what emotions or patterns that you fall into. And then the second one is leadership. How can you not only lead yourself, but lead others? And then the last one is entrepreneurship skills. So this goes into financial literacy, public speaking, all those things that you would expect the best entrepreneur in the world to have. But we're gonna give it to kids who even want to be actors because speaking out for yourself, talking to others, having that financial literacy spans across any career. And it's it's just important for anybody in their life to like know these things.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

I'll definitely put your contact information in the show notes because I think it's fantastic what you do. I really do. Last question. Oh no, there's actually now one more question. I always like to leave on a positive note. So, what message do you have for parents who are struggling to connect and communicate with their young adults?

SPEAKER_02 52:36

Yeah, I think by listening to this podcast, you're already on step one. You're you're you're wanting to learn. And that's the best thing of like having that growth mindset and consistently learning and then also executing. There's so many things that we shared in here. We we talked about so many things, but if you can call upon just one thing that you can commit to do for 90 days or even for a week, then you succeeded. Like you're doing so good. And if you can just call upon one thing that that shows so much effort.

SPEAKER_01 53:12

Last question. Want to share with the listener how old you are?

SPEAKER_02 53:16

Yes, so I just turned 19 years old.

SPEAKER_01 53:19

Wow. I mean, obviously I know that, but it's still when I just spent an hour talking with you, I would love to give you a hug. Sonia, thank you so much for joining me today. It's been such a pleasure. Hmm. You don't know. You don't know the joy this brings to my heart. And you're right, we brought up a lot of important topics and provided parents with so much, so much insight. So um, I'm gonna leave your your cloud9.com, you said, right? Yes. And your TED talk in the show notes. Cloud9go.com. Cloud9go. Okay. Um, I'll put that in the show notes and your TED talk. And hopefully, parents will, I mean, I encourage parents to listen and reach out to you and share. I think even this episode will be very good for young adults to listen to. So um thank you so much. You are welcome back anytime, and it's been such a pleasure and an honor.

SPEAKER_02 54:10

Thank you. I enjoyed this.

SPEAKER_01 54:12

I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood. If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues. And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, a weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you. It's free advice that will appear in your info only when you need it the most. Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question. And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult. Talk to you soon.