#68: So You Think You’ve Tried Everything With Your Adult Child

Many parents of adult children feel powerless and think they've tried everything.

Yet somehow, nothing has worked. The years have gone by and their adult child is still in the same place; at home, unmotivated, lacking confidence, and living without purpose, while everyone around them seems to be moving forward.

In today’s short episode, I want to share something more personal with you. I’m going to explain why I am dedicating my time to guiding parents of young adults who are struggling and what I have created to help change that.

In this episode, I’ll share my perspective on raising children and what is really needed from parents. All parents.

You are far more capable of influencing change than you may believe right now.

Growth can happen. You may not see it right away, but if you do the work, you will watch your adult child blossom.🌱

Please share this episode with another parent, remember to hit the subscribe button, and as always Thank you for listening.

Remember to email me at: Shari@ParentingFX.com for a personal video.

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

Do you want to know if your adult child is struggling with Failure to Launch? Grab the FREE Failure to Launch Checklist here:  

🗣️One-on-One Consultations are available. Click here!

Email me if you have any questions at: Shari@ParentingFX.com

🎙️Remember to hit the SUBSCRIBE button so you never miss an episode. 

Shari can be found on Instagram & TikTok Search @sharijonaslifefx

YouTube has all of the interviews available to watch! CLICK HERE...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with adult children in their 20s and 30s who are not moving forward in life. Often referred to as failure to launch syndrome because they are struggling to become independent and responsible adults. Let's be clear, it's not because they are living at home, but rather due to a lack of confidence, low motivation, and limited life skills. Not to mention learning disabilities like ADHD or more debilitating mental health issues. But this podcast isn't just about them. It's for parents who feel powerless, hopeless, frustrated, and worried, but really do want to help their adult kids. This episode is a short one because it's just me. And if you're a regular, you know that many episodes of launch feature guests who bring their own experiences and share their unique knowledge, offering you new perspectives and actionable steps. But today it's you and me. And I want to take a few minutes and share something with you, which is the reason why I started this podcast. Over forty years ago, I watched my older brother struggle with many of the same issues your adult is going through right now, and it had nothing to do with the economy. It was a combination of things insecurity, uncertainty, undiagnosed ADHD, low self confidence, and no one he could talk to. My father wasn't around, and my mother didn't know how. So I stepped in, asking him questions, nudging him, knowing in my gut my brother was suffering, feeling terribly inadequate because everyone around him seemed to know what their next steps were. Trust me, I was not his favorite person. I was told to F off more times than I can remember, until I wasn't. The moment I was able to reach him was pivotal, and remember, I was only his little sister, but I never gave up on him. Understanding human behavior has been my passion my entire life. I fell in love with psychology from early on and ended up graduating with multiple degrees. I wrote a book after that about women and their fathers while raising my son as a single mom. But I had to get a real pay job and I couldn't promote it properly. No excuses, just facts. Years later, I came across another young adult who reminded me of my brother, and it all came rushing back. There is a tremendous need to help not just these young adults, but their parents who, just like my mother, don't know what to do. Several years ago, I went onto social media and started talking about failure to launch. Parents from everywhere connected with me. And so I began to write another book. But no, I thought, this time I'm going to make it a course, something more personal, inspirational, and instructional, a roadmap that parents could use to guide their young adults through this. And it's done. In December, I released it as a live course, but decided to turn it all into prerecorded lessons because there's so much information that I realized parents needed to watch and listen in short videos as often as they needed, along with a workbook and resources to go along with it. I'm excited to announce that it's ready, but that's not the purpose of this episode. There is something really important I want to share with you. I've talked to a lot of parents who feel they have tried everything. There's this sense of pervasive hopelessness that saddens me, frustrates me, which is something many of you can pick up because it's simply not valid. Here's how I see it. I compare it to wanting to get into physical shape. The wanting is real. People decide, I'm ready, I'm gonna do this. So they try a bunch of things, join a gym or start a weight loss program, maybe get a personal trainer, watch videos, and so on. They start, they dabble. The results are too slow, and they give up and say nothing works. Yet millions of people are getting into shape every day. This is what is happening for parents with an adult child who is not thriving. Every effort is a failed attempt. Nothing moves the needle. They don't see results, they feel like they're wasting their time. They quit trying, and the years keep passing by. I see parenting more like gardening. You have to play the long game because it's a process. Just the learning alone takes time. And then you have to be consistent and diligent, or your plants won't grow and bloom. The fruits of your labor are not overnight. So much is changing beneath the ground in the root system. You think that nothing is happening, and yet so much is. You need to work that soil, you need to excavate, replace it with fresh earth and good nutrients. Just like your past, your children won't thrive if you use the stuff you were raised on. So much parenting is based on what our parents did to us, and we have to break those cycles. Once you work that soil, you plant seeds, not here and there, but strategically, and you tend to them with love and care. You nourish with fertilizer and water, persistence and patience. You can't stare at your barren garden and say, Why aren't you growing? I keep telling you what to do and you're not listening. You're so unmotivated. Look at the other gardens. They're all growing. What's wrong with you? Or maybe you glance at your garden every now and then and say, I'm here for you. But you can't help but wonder, why are these plants not growing? Will I ever have a garden to enjoy? Eventually you say to yourself, I'm a shitty gardener, no green thumbs on my hands, maybe I'll just stop trying. Can you see why raising an adult is so much like gardening? We really do reap what we sow. And anyone could be a good gardener and parent if you take the time to learn what is needed. For those of you who think I just made this shit up, I didn't. Years ago I wanted to create a garden from nothing, and so I learned everything I needed to do to make it happen. I never gave up because I believed I could do it. And that's the same with my own kids, because I brought them into the world knowing my job was to raise them to be able to survive well without me. If you don't believe with your whole heart that this is your responsibility, this podcast is not for you. It is for parents who will not give up on their adult kids, who are willing to learn what it takes and not stop until their adult kids are in full bloom. And if you feel guilty that you've waited this long or that perhaps you overcoddled too much, that has to stop. The pity party is not serving you well. You are not to blame for their current situation because there are many variables at play here. I mentioned them in episode 66. But you are responsible for helping them through this now. There are very, very few parenting coaches, books, and courses for raising young adults who are struggling. I'll give you that. And oftentimes the suggestions are so abstract that parents are left thinking, what do you mean be calm? Give them space, meet them where they are. This advice is kind, but it's not enough. It's gardening without a manual. How much water? How often, sun or no sun? What percentage of nitrates work best? The devil is always in the details. And because each adult child is different, you have to learn what they need from you. You are their person. Not to rescue, but to take charge and lead them through these murky waters and pull them out of the quicksand. Or if I keep with this gardening analogy, your adult child will never thrive if you just let them sit there untended to. Real change is going to come from you learning and understanding what is holding them back, how to reconnect, communicate, earn their trust and respect. And then you can begin to help them. They are not broken. They are seeds ready to grow, but they need all the nutrients that you can provide. So stop thinking you are not capable. You are so much more powerful and influential than you know. But it's not going to work if you just sit there month after month, year after year, waiting for them to mature. You can do this. I am so dedicated to helping you. I believe in you probably more than you believe in yourself. I talk to parents one-on-one. I'll even talk to your adult child as well because this is a family issue. Both parents and adult children are in it together. And then there's also my course. It's called The Journey to Independence. Email me, sharry at parentingefects.com, and I will send you a personal video all about it. This is not for everyone. It is only for parents who are as committed to their adult child as a gardener is to their beloved plants. I'm Sherry Jonas. This is Launch, and I'm here for you. Please share this episode with a parent who needs to hear it. Remember to hit the subscribe button so you never miss another. And as always, thank you for listening.