#71: How to Get Your Adult Child to Become Responsible at Home

If your adult child is living at home and refuses to take on any responsibilities, acting more like a hotel guest than a member of the household and you feel like you've tried everything, this episode is for you.

After writing and creating an 18-page Living Together Guide and Agreement for parents of young adults who weren't participating or contributing to basic household responsibilities or anything in their life, I quickly discovered that most parents struggled to enforce it. The approach required finesse. The groundwork had to be laid first. The relationship needed work.

But giving up was not an option because having responsibilities, structure, and routine isn't just important for you, your home or your adult. It's vital to their self-confidence.

This short episode explains why. And in the end, I invite you to join me to take this conversation even further.

Here's the link to save your spot: https://parentingfx.com/lta-masterclass

Remember to hit the subscribe button, and please send this episode to someone who needs to hear it.

Thanks for listening!

💻 Have you enrolled in Shari's Parenting course yet?  "The Journey to Independence: A Step-by-Step Roadmap to Guiding and Launching Your Adult Child.” 

For more information and where to sign up, visit: https://parentingfx.com/parentingcourse

Do you want to know if your adult child is struggling with Failure to Launch? Grab the FREE Failure to Launch Checklist here:  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to move forward. If it's your first time here, today's episode is a solo one. I do these when I have something interesting, educational, or inspiring that I want to personally share with you. Other episodes, you'll find me interviewing wonderful guests, each one with their own unique message that may contribute to your current situation. The topics are wide-ranging, but will always leave you with strategies, suggestions, and hope that whatever you're going through with your adult child, there is a way forward. Today's episode is for parents who struggle getting their adult children to do anything at home. And I mean anything. Their sedentary lives are in a holding pattern. They do the same things every day, whether that's gaming, scrolling, eating at odd hours, sleeping most of the day, or staying awake at night doing God knows what. They barely leave the house but do nothing inside of it. And no matter what you say, they don't seem to care, listen, or respect you. It's pushback, excuses, or they'll tell you something that makes you think they're going to get to it, but they never do. And you can't help but wonder why they seem so okay living in a messy room and accomplishing nothing all day long. But they are, and you have no idea how to change this unhealthy lifestyle. Every parent I speak to shares the same grievances. You know this is not good. You have tried some things, but right now you feel as stuck as they are. In early 2025, I wrote a Living Together guide and agreement to help parents take control of this problem because the constant mattering is exhausting. Being ignored is frustrating, and you know that to them, you sound just like Charlie Brown's teacher. So for this reason, I thought, well, stop wasting your energy speaking and put it all in writing. That way they'd surely listen, right? Wrong. It's not that simple. Slapping a piece of paper down in front of them with a set of rules on it is as effective as offering your adult child dog food for dinner at 6 p.m. Thanks, but no thanks. And let's address the elephant in the room. At what point did your kids start thinking that anything you asked them to do was optional? The mortgage isn't, their cell phone isn't. Have you ever thought what would happen if in exchange for their Wi-Fi access they had daily and weekly responsibilities to manage? Oh, they would get them done. But you just keep doing and paying for everything while their chores are mere suggestions. That attitude, that level of disrespect or entitlement is exactly what has to be addressed beforehand, as well as a few other really important issues. Before I go on, I think it's important for every parent listening to understand that you are not alone. Even though you probably don't talk to anyone about this, so you really think this is just your life, there are able-bodied adult children everywhere, just like yours, who are not working, studying, or contributing to anything around the house or to their life. The reasons might be a little different, but it's always one or more of the following the job market, the housing market, their mental health, their gaming addiction, or any addiction for that matter. Whatever it is, none of these excuse their behavior of doing nothing all day long, except if they're suffering from a debilitating depression. And by debilitating, I mean clinical, where a doctor has prescribed medication and they're taking it. Expecting your adult child to wake up at a reasonable hour and begin each day by being responsible, doing household chores such as making their bed, preparing their food, and cleaning up after themselves, doing a load of laundry, taking out the garbage, walking the dog, running an errand for you is far from unreasonable. Nothing is difficult. Having an agenda, a to-do list that includes some physical activity, job searching, making appointments, and so on are all necessary life skills for becoming a competent, capable, and thriving adult. I don't see this as optional at all. You see, when a human being, say a young adult in this case, has no responsibilities, no structure, no routine, no daily plans, they have no purpose in their life other than just to exist. They are living in limbo, feet firmly planted in mid-air. Now you may think it's just easier to do everything for them. You may even want to because of your own issues, but you are doing them a tremendous disservice. I want to be really clear because there is so much truth to this. When a parent does everything for their kid, they are unknowingly contributing to their feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and uselessness in the world. And since there are no expectations for them to do anything with their life, starting within the home, their motivation stays flat and they have zero drive to figure out what they want to do or who they want to be. What's ironic is they're so worried that they're behind everyone that they continue to do nothing about it, and you haven't realized just how much you've been letting them. It all starts in the home and with you. And I know this is hard for you to hear, but I'd rather you know what you need to do starting today than let another six months go by. This is why so many parents like yourself are burnt out, because they know they've let things go for so long, and the fear that this will never improve is overwhelming. But if you ask me or if you know me, I see possibilities and solutions everywhere. The first step is the hardest, and I teach it in my course, so I'm not going to get into it here. This episode is about the need for a living together agreement. Let me break it down quickly. First, it creates structure, which to them feels like a punishment because they think you're controlling them. But structure is important in life. It's the opposite of chaos. Everyone in an organization or on a team, whether work, family, sports, thrives on structure. Second, this agreement creates accountability. When expectations are written down, discussed, and agreed upon, there's no endless repetition, denial, or even forgetfulness. Everyone has been a part of the conversation, everyone knows what they signed on to, and they are held accountable. Third, and this is the one that is most misunderstood and underrated, a living agreement opens the door to a different kind of relationship, a respectful, healthy, enjoyable one. And it won't happen overnight, but when it does, it's a game changer for you and for them. Here's the bottom line. Sitting down and having a heart-to-heart conversation about what living together means as a family, what it should look like and feel like for everyone in the home is vital. This agreement is not just a household management tool, it's fundamental to a healthy relationship because in order for this to work, you need to communicate, negotiate, and respect one another in the process. And that's far more critical than who's unloading the dishwasher when. The link to register is parentingfx.com forward slash LTA-masterclass. It's also written in the show notes, so please don't pull over and write that down. Now, if by the time you listen to this podcast that date has passed, check back with me. Otherwise, if you can make it, I think it'll be incredibly useful to you. I've done this with many families, so I really understand what needs to happen before in order for it to be successful. Now you can try it on your own or pay for someone to show you, but I'm doing it for free because I know how incredibly important it is for your adult child and for you. Again, the link to grab your spot is in the show notes, and I really hope to see you there. If you happen to know of another family that would benefit, please share this episode. As always, I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.