Grief

What is grief? How do we deal with it in ourself? And how do we deal with it in others?

Helpline: https://griefresourcenetwork.com/crisis-center/hotlines/

Transcript

Announcer: 0:05

Welcome to a place where we're thinking together and thinking deeper about who we are. Welcome to the podcast.

William Forchion: 0:18

Hello and welcome to Billosophy. I'm William Forchion today, grief. Grief, and the grieving process. The definition of grief, keen, mental suffering, or distress over affliction or loss, sharp sorrow, painful regret grief. I come to this topic half after having lost a few friends in a, very short period of time. It seemed that it all started with, uh, a very good friend of mine, Stan, who, um, was in a motorcycle accident, which is shocking to have someone there one moment and gone the next and in dealing with grief in the past, when I could distance myself or separate myself from the actual process and analyze it step into my head and out of my heart or my gut or my soul, I would, uh, use the analogy of, of pulling something, pulling a flash drive or pulling, uh, an external drive from a computer. If you don't Egypt it properly, then you get the thing that the prompt that you've removed the drive improperly. And in some cases, there is a chance of a error or a problem with your data when we lose someone in our lives. Well, I, I, that term is also pretty, pretty strange cause we don't lose people when someone dies. When someone transitions passes away, when they die, we no longer get input from them. It's like removing that external drive improperly, we will still have the memory. We'll still have all those files that we've created with that person in our life, in our memory, in our mind, we don't get to create any new ones. There are no new files. And each of us has to go about that process differently as a, as a whole in North America in the U S and if we were to take that U S culture, we don't have a, a grieving process. We can mourn. There's a period of mourning. Uh, in other cultures, there are many different ways to deal with our dead. Uh, we could sit Shivah as the Jewish culture does. And what does a seven day process? What if after seven days you're not done with that? You're not ready to move on. There are many ways to deal with grieving. There are many ways that we handle grieving for some, we need to create an alter or a Memorial or a way to signify the importance of that life in our selves. And I also introduced the idea that grieving is more than just dealing with the loss of people or the death of people. There is also a grieving process that happens. And there is grief that is created through the loss of an ideal, a fantasy I've spoken to one person who speaks of the first death that they encountered in their life. The first one that really touched home, that struck them and for which they needed to grieve, but didn't know a way of doing so. And that was, this person was a child. And they had just discovered that Santa Claus wasn't real. And for that child, having gone through years of believing in Santa Claus, it wasn't that the illusion was shown or it wasn't that there was a new discovery. It was a death Santa Claus in that moment died. Now there's a trigger there as well because the subsequent holiday seasons to see the icon of Santa Claus, to see the people in the Santa Claus suits at the malls or in public places would trigger something in that, that person, none of no longer child that reminded them of the death of Santa Claus. They could go right back to the moment when they discovered that Santa Claus was not real. How do we move on? The grieving process is not the getting over, but learning to live with grief is a wound, just like any other wound. The wound is an emotional wound. So if you were to cut yourself, you would deal with the cut. So a razor cut to a, uh, a hand, let's say, you're the back of your hands cut with a razor. Now it all depends on how deep that cut is, which also is how deep was your investment in that personal life, right? There's direct analogy there. So if a deeper cut needs stitch, it might need stitches might need a way of sealing the, the cut first while you seal the cut. Does the hurt go away? No, it's still there. You can numb that with a topical anesthetic or you can numb it with a more general there's different ways. How do we numb that emotional cut? How do we heal that emotional cut? And there are many different ways to do that. We don't get to stitch it shut. We don't get to put a bandaid on it and look past it until it, it has scarred over. And just like that cut on the hand, we all are going to deal with it differently. There are some people that will get a keloid. So there'll be a raised scar on top of that old wound that will not go away until you cut away the keloid and make another cut, which is also a process. There are some people who might just be left with just a line where that cut was, but it's always there. There is no point in which that cut didn't happen. Just like in the grieving process. There's no point in which that life did not exist. The memories are still there. They're etched in our souls, in our minds, in our hearts, in our guts. And we have to grieve when I'm fully aware that I'm not going to get very much past the surface of the grief and grieving process that we all will encounter and deal with in many different ways. So I know that there will be more parts to this, and I hope you check back in to find out more as we go, because as I dig deeper into this, I will make discoveries and I will, I would, I will want to share them with you. I want to, and I also invite you to comment, to add in your part and how you deal with this. What are some of your rituals that you have with the grieving process of handling the loss of a life in your life? The death of a loved one, a pet, uh, uh, even a distant acquaintance. They all have some connection and they all have some grief during this period from, I believe it was October 28th through February 26. I believe it was on average. One person in my life died. Not all of them really close some of them, a little, a step removed, but my first cousin who we grew up together, we're the same age. Uh, when he went, when he died fast, shocking, uh, we're the same age that's not supposed to happen. That was one shade. If I was, if this grief, if I had the grief coloring book, each of these lives that touched me, each of these lives that crossed over and transitioned to their next way of being, um, energetic form, whatever you want to call it death, they have a color they're like that box of crayons, and I can color in and make an amazing coloring of this grief Stanley. As I said, it was, was a shock. Uh, Micah was a shock. I had another dear friend who is a part of not just my story, but my family story. Uh, she in our town was a teacher, a parent, a grandparent, and she had fought a Valley in fight with cancer, with cancer. The story I have about her was, and I have multiple stories because she taught my children in preschool. One of my children in preschool, and she was missing an arm. She allowed my child to touch where her arm ended and that story will go on. And that story is part of my, my story, my handling, the grief or the trauma of recovery from the loss of her life is to tell that story the same as with my buddy Stanley. I have so many stories that go with Stanley. I have videos who used, I had done short videos of Stanley in his shop. Those are part of my, my process. One of the first things that happened was I went back to those videos and I got to sit with Stan again, as I did years prior when I made the video and that was something I needed in my grieving process, in my sitting with Stan and letting him go, each of us will find a new way. And I know that we can share our path with others who go through this to help create a way that we can heal. These wounds, recover from these wounds and handle our grief. In some cultures, when a person dies, you no longer say their name because their story has already been written and no more do they get to add to the stories their name is done for me, when a person dies in my life, what I want to do is help them live on by continuing to tell their stories. That's for me, that's my process of handling that grief. And at times it's overwhelming. And I look at the stories that I carry of the people that I no longer get to see in this world, in this presence. And sometimes I smile. Sometimes I laugh because of the times that we did have it's when I get stuck with thinking, we're never going to have that wonderful time again is when I hurt. Yeah. I want that. I want to have another really funny night with, with you with that other person, with Micah, with Stanley, with Lauren, with Jane, I want to have an event that puts on a magical marker on my life experience that involves that person and grief is not fully understanding or coming to an understanding that that will not happen. Again, all the stories that I have with that person who has died have been written. I will add at this point, even talking about this might trigger some things in you listening to this. When you hear my voice talking about grief and the loss of my friends and my family, they may trigger something. And that might shock. You might stupefied might even buckle your legs, know that you can also seek help. And that help may look in like many different ways. You may want to go to the gym and work out and just release your mind to that. You may want to go take a swim. You may want to find a group or a grief counselor or a therapist who's going to help you find a new way of being of continuing to live. And I know that for some people living in that grief is almost like dying inside is you want to, some people want to numb their emotions because of how much emotion they feel connected to the person who has died. And I, I would ask that you avoid doing that. Be emotional, find a way and where you can safely be emotional in that space and that emotion isn't simply crying. It's not about anger. It could be that it's about finding a healthy, emotional outlet for whatever that grief is in you. There are, as I said, there are grief counselors. You can look them up there's you can check on the internet. There are some things that you will find on the internet that could be helpful groups of other people, grieving groups of other people who are going through a process of living without another person in their life. And that's really important because you, as the surviving person must continue to live just as you have grief for the loss or the death of another person. There are others who, as you grieve are slowly having that same effect because of your absence in their life. And you're still alive. Continue to live, really continue to live. And that's important. The question of why am I alive in that person is not, will never be answered, but you are alive. You are asking that question, continue to live. Your story is still being written. The story you had with that other person is no longer being written. Your story is still being written. Once again, if this is taking you to the point of not knowing, embrace that, not knowing if that is overwhelming, the not knowing and the loss and all the stuff that goes with that death, get help seek help. The first way of doing that, if you don't know how in your area is talk to someone, maybe you're adverse to doing in a certain ways, there are different ways of doing it. There's meditation. You can check with the insight meditation project. There are other processes you can check with your hospital, call the hospital and say, is there somebody who's doing this? There are other medical professionals who will help you with this without medication. I'm not saying advising you to do that, but they're in the medical profession and or in the health professions, because it is about your health. Just like if you were to run into a wall and create a trauma, or you were to cut your hand, you'd have a trauma. There's an emotional trauma that goes with death. There is an emotional trauma that is grieving. That is grief. And know that just like all things that have a beginning, the grief process, the grief will have an end, does have an end through that. Grief as you live is really important to find moments where life isn't always just about the grief. How does it help you move in your life? How does it help you be purposeful in your life? What is it that triggers you into that deeper part of the grief or loss or memory of loss, grief, death, use those things. If you have a way and you have the mindset to do so, write it down, journal about it. Share if only for yourself share, you will, you may find that looking back a year from now at where you work today will be helpful. It may help you with the next time you have to deal with this worst case scenario. It may help someone else. When you've to read through your process. Now you don't have to write with the intention of writing for someone else or in writing for yourself. Sometimes it's just scribbling out the stuff that needs to go out to purge the emotional mindset of grief, pain, sorrow, suffering. And once again, please hear this, know that if there's a beginning to it, it will have an end. It will. And eventually the ending of the grief does not mean that you lose the memory of that person. It does not mean that that person's life was insignificant. If you go to national geographic.com, you'll see that there are many different ways that handle the death process. There are, there are cultures in Asia that dance with their dead, that some of them keep the dead alive for a year, not alive. Sorry. They keep the dead in bombed almost in a, in a way for over a year. And they treat that person as if they're just ill. They handle that person as if they're just ill until that one year anniversary, when they let them transition over, those are two ways of handling the death process. It helps some for the grieving process. It's not, it may not work for everyone. There are cultures. We have our embracing now where we take our dead and try to get them back to nature as quickly as possible. And we leave them out for, in the woods for them to go back into nature. That's one way, one of the ways we grieve is we look at what that person asks for it as their lead in their last will and Testament, or what they asked for and how they want to be handled in depth. Take the time to grieve, take the time to remember that life or that fantasy or that idea. I said that there are many different ways of grieving, and there are many things that grieve about the loss of an idea, the loss of a friend, the loss of a family member, but grieving is about loss. The transition of a life grieving a at the end of a relationship grieving at the loss of a house plant or the death of a thing, or the, the misplacing of an object that was very important or the breaking of something important or family heirloom. Those are all things that we grieve about and we grieve differently. I don't grieve the same for the terrain as I did for my grandfather. Don't grieve the same for my first pet as I do for my cousin, I do grieve. I did grief. I am grieving. Even. This is an outlet of my grief. Even this is a way of honoring those lives that have touched me in a way that I don't even have words for. And yet that grieving process for me, spoke to me in a way that said, engage others, find out a way. Is there something that we can culturally create societaly create that will help the grieving process. It doesn't have to be something set technically in that you must grieve for 47 minutes each day. It could be simply, this is a process that I do. I'm going to write about that person, that thing, that object each day for 21 days for two days, it doesn't matter. There's a process that we need to let go to hold on, to continue to live.

Speaker 3: 22:05

Once again, I encourage you to share that process through comments, reach out to me, find a way we can start this conversation about grieving, about living. And once we realize the beginnings and the ends and that we're in the middle of a life, that hopefully is lived richly, that someone will grieve for eventually because we will pass. We all have to, we had a beginning, we will have an end that we learn how to grieve. And we allow ourselves to grieve that we learn and accept that that grieving process will be different for everyone. And that today I might need to cry today. I might need to get on that bike and do 26 miles tonight. I might need to run a half marathon. I'm grieving today. I'm living today. I'm hurting today. I'm okay. Today I'll deal with tomorrow. When it comes and today I'll take care of today. Is there a way to grieve properly for each of us? There's a, yes, we have to find them and it will not be the same for everyone. And we won't grieve the same for every person that dies in our life. We will grieve. We will remember, and we will. We must live, keep living. Remember if this is something that you're struggling with, that you're having a difficult time with get help, reach out. If you don't know where to go reach out to your closest friend, your best buddy, and say, I need help with this. If that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel good. That doesn't feel okay, go find a group, get on the internet, search it up. Grief, counseling, grief groups, survivors, networks of any kind. It doesn't matter. Find that help. You will get directed to where you need to go. The map hasn't been written on how to handle this for you. You're writing that map. And I know it's difficult to be the cartographer as you go through this, but you can do it. Also. If none of these outlets work, go to the ER, I know I'm directing a lot of people to the ER, there are some

William Forchion: 24:46

way to get through this. It's not right. It's not wrong, but there is a healthy way to get through it. And I encourage you to find a way to take your body to its healthiest self mentally, physically, emotionally I'm William Forchion. And this is Billosophy. Thanks for joining me.

Announcer: 25:16

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