The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
243 - Protecting Your Children From The New Boyfriend
This episode addresses the pressing concerns of divorced fathers regarding their children's safety in the wake of a mother’s new romantic partner. It explores the psychological and biological underpinnings that explain why women often move on quickly after divorce and the increased risks associated with introducing a non-biological male figure into the home.
• Insights on hypergamy and post-divorce relationship dynamics
• The unique challenges men face in emotional recovery after a divorce
• Alarming statistics about child abuse risks with new partners
• Understanding the "Cinderella effect" in stepfamily dynamics
• Importance of open communication with children
• Strategies for staying involved in children's lives
• Educating children about boundaries and safety
• Monitoring new partners and understanding red flags
• Legal options for protecting children against threats
• The value of fostering a cooperative co-parenting relationship
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Hello and welcome to the show. I am thrilled for you to be here this week and we're going to be talking about protecting your children from the new boyfriend. Now, hopefully, most of you and this is statistically true, most of you are not going to have to worry about protecting, but there seems to be quite a bit of conversation around this in the community, so I wanted to address it. I have been reticent to address this because I've had some difficult and challenging experiences in my life with this and I didn't feel that I could be completely neutral and positive in addressing this. I don't know that I still can, but I really think that it is a topic that needs to be discussed and that you need to be aware of. So we're going to jump into this, reticent or not, but before we do, let's welcome Derek, matthew and Will to the Divorced Advocate community. If you are not part of it, and you're not part of these conversations that we're having on Signal or in the group meetings, etc. Then get to thedivorcedadvocatecom and check out the resources that we have. You do not have to go through this process and this challenge all by yourself. There's a community of men that is here, with the Divorced Advocate community that is here to support you wherever you're at in this process. So check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom. So I don't have to tell you that the complexities of co-parenting after divorce are challenging, and it becomes even more challenging when your ex-partner introduces a new boyfriend into your child's lives. And, as a father, your paramount concern, our paramount concern, is the safety and well-being of our children, is the safety and well-being of our children, and so what I'm going to talk about today is just some insights into understanding potential risk and proactive measures to protect your children. And now you know.
Speaker 1:You might think well, I've got this written into our parenting agreement, into our divorce decree, that we can't introduce anybody for X amount of time. Hopefully you have done that and that's great, and hopefully you're both thinking about those things and that you're both communicating about what's happening with that, introducing people, et cetera. That is a healthy way in which to approach this, and if both people are healthy and have the children's best interest in mind, they are doing those things and being conscientious and communicating and being respectful with each other about that. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. And you also might think that, well, I've got it written into the divorce decree, so she's got to do it. Well, I've got to tell you that they don't have to do anything. That you are, it is incumbent upon you to have to enforce that decree, and I can tell you, if you take them to court over something like non-introduction of new romantic partners over six months, the judges and magistrates are likely not to give a crap and are going to be less than excited to help you in this situation. So that's why it's even more important for you to know and understand potentially what the potential risks are and what protective measures you can take to watch out for your kiddos.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to approach this first in talking about and understanding the dynamics in why women may find new partners more quickly. I get this all the time in private session and in group meetings that I can't believe that she's already moved on, that she's got a boyfriend, that she's looking or that she's dating, etc. And after divorce, women often enter new relationships much more quickly than men, and there are multiple psychological, social and biological factors that contribute to this trend. So let's talk about a few of them. I know that it helped me to know and understand a little bit about this that it might have nothing to do with you and it might have nothing to do with your relationship with her. So the first is something that's called hypergamy and relationship selection.
Speaker 1:Hypergamy is the tendency to seek a partner of equal or higher status in terms of social, financial or emotional stability, and, in the context of post-divorce dating, women often prioritize financial security, stability and emotional support, which can drive them to actively seek new relationships, and studies suggest that women, especially those with children, may prefer a partner who can provide additional resources and security. So, basically, what this is is it's really a feature built into women over millennia that has helped them to continue the species by finding somebody that can help to provide for them and to protect them. So think about it hundreds or thousands of years ago, when women would get pregnant or taking care of children, they would be very vulnerable, and so that's when they would have to make sure that they were able to survive and thrive with their environments and with their children, in order to just simply stay alive. So they may have moved on quickly with men that had gone to war or died of sickness, or whatever it may have been. So that's what hypergamy is, and so here's the thing is the millennia of our DNA and how things are in us just doesn't go away all of a sudden now that we're in 2025 and we have an expanded consciousness around different things. Some of this stuff is just biologically inherent and hypergamy is one of those things and you can think about this and also the context of dating and in your relationships also, and that's a whole different podcast. That's a dating podcast. But understanding this innate nature, the hypergamous nature of women to be continually looking for that, even when in relationship, and understanding how you can handle that in order to keep your relationship strong and thrive with it, in order to keep your relationship strong and thrive with it so that's another one, but that is the basic concept around hypergamy and how that's built into the DNA.
Speaker 1:The second is the role of social networks. We're talking about the dynamics and why women find new partners more quickly. Women generally also maintain stronger social support networks than men, which facilitates a quicker re-entry into the dating scene. They have female friends and family members who will provide emotional encouragement and even introductions to potential partners. In contrast to that is us guys who tend to rely on our spouse for our emotional support that we once we got into the family unit and after divorce we may experience isolation, making it more challenging to find new relationships quickly. I've done a podcast about this where all of my friends this is just a natural progression of the divorce and your divorce process that we just don't have those strong or as strong social support networks as women do. Again, it's a natural feature of women. It helped them for millennia to be able to do that in tribes, et cetera, to be able to create those social support networks to raise children, to take care of the families, et cetera. So that is also one of the reasons is the social support networks.
Speaker 1:The third one is the biological and psychological differences networks. The third one is the biological and psychological differences. Evolutionary psychology suggests that women have historically sought stable partnerships to ensure the well-being of their offspring. So I just mentioned this, even in modern society. But even in modern society, this instinct may manifest as a tendency to pursue relationships sooner after a breakup. To pursue relationships sooner after a breakup. Additionally, research indicates that men often take longer to recover emotionally from a divorce, as they may process grief differently and be less likely to seek support. So part of that that I didn't address is the support-seeking process through this, which is critical. We talk about grief a lot when we're in group meetings, but how we process that grief it's not a linear process and how men do it is very different than how women do it, so that also is one of the reasons why they may find partners more quickly.
Speaker 1:Another one is the difference in custody and dating dynamics. In many divorce cases, women receive primary custody of the children, and while this responsibility might seem like it would limit dating opportunities, it can actually serve as a motivator for women to find a partner. Moreover, men with primary custody may find themselves less motivated to date immediately, as they often focus on reestablishing their own stability before seeking a new relationship. Again, just those inherent differences in how we operate biologically. The next is the online dating disparity, and I'm not going to get into online dating and what a circus that is, but the modern dating landscape, particularly online, favors women. Studies have shown that women receive significantly more attention on dating apps than men, making it much easier for them to connect with potential partners quickly. This increased access can accelerate the process of forming new relationships and, since a majority of the dating now is done online, that is another reason why they're able to find new partners more quickly or seek to the last one is emotional versus physical recovery.
Speaker 1:Women are often more emotionally prepared to leave a marriage before it officially ends. Many women emotionally detach from their partner long before the divorce is finalized, allowing them to move on more quickly. Because more than 70% of divorces are initiated by women, typically they have already started this process mentally and emotionally to plan for. Again, it's that hypergamous nature of planning for and moving forward, and that's why when we get men in meetings, they're devastated and they'll say things like I can't believe it, or I didn't see this coming, or I didn't know, or how can she be dating All of this stuff and so which also leaves you a little bit behind the eight ball in the whole divorce process, because while this person might be months or even years ahead mentally, emotionally, in this process, you're just starting it. So you have to go through all of that in addition to going through this whole process, which is difficult and challenging for us guys, because we like to know that we have a plan and a linear process and if we're just blindsided, then we don't have that, which makes it infinitely more difficult.
Speaker 1:So men, like I just said, on the other hand, may experience a delayed emotional reaction and find it harder to engage in new relationships immediately, which is not a bad thing, guys, the last thing you need and I'm speaking from mistakes here myself is a new relationship in the middle of working through all of this stuff. So that is, in some regards, a red flag, I would say, if your ex is starting to do that already, just know and understand much of it is potentially not even at the conscious level of where it should be if somebody is stopping taking the time to really address what's going on in their lives, what's going on with them mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. And is jumping into a new relationship. So that's why you do need to be prepared to know what the risks are, which we're going to talk about next, and then what the proactive measures of what you can do. So let's jump into the risk. And now I'm not bringing this stuff up to scare you, but it should give you cautious pause and make you pay attention to what's going on. And while you can't do anything to control any situations now outside of your own environment and your time with your children, you need to be aware of all the potential risks here.
Speaker 1:All the potential risks here, and one of the most concerning realities is the heightened risk of child abuse when a new boyfriend or stepfather enters the picture, and research consistently shows that children living with a non-biological male figure, particularly a mother's boyfriend, face significantly increased risk of physical and sexual abuse. Understanding these statistics is critical for fathers who want to protect their children, which I know all of you who are listening do so. The stepfather and boyfriend effect. The research shows that children living with a mother and her boyfriend are at the highest risk of abuse and neglect. One study that found children in this arrangement showed that they are 11 times more likely to suffer physical, sexual and emotional abuse than those living with both biological parents. That's from a study from Daly and Watson in 1998. A report from the Administration for Children and Families, acf, found that boyfriends and stepfathers were responsible for a disproportionately high number of child maltreatment cases, accounting for 10% of all child abuse cases that involved male perpetrators and they were committed by the mother's boyfriend, and 8% of cases involved stepfathers. Biological fathers, by comparison, were far less likely to abuse their own children.
Speaker 1:Number two is an increased risk of fatal child abuse. Perhaps the most alarming statistic is the risk of child homicide when a non-biological male is present in the home, and this is critical for those of you with very young kids. Children under five years old are at 50 times greater risk of being killed by a mother's boyfriend than by their biological father. That's from another Daly and Wilson study in 1994. Biological fathers are statistically the least likely group to fatally harm their own children, whereas stepfathers and boyfriends are far more commonly involved in fatal child abuse cases.
Speaker 1:You do not hear this with this whole single motherhood as a superhero and as my what do they call it? My super ability, right, with this whole mentality. So I'm going to read that to you again, because it's not the fathers and I know a lot of you who are listening as I was get wrongfully and falsely accused of abuse, and it is a ploy from somebody who's mentally and emotionally unstable. But biological fathers are statistically the least likely group to fatally harm their own children, whereas stepfathers and boyfriends are far more commonly involved in fatal child abuse cases. Now, if you're going through that, I am sorry, it is terrible and is brutal, but you've got to fight tooth and nail and do everything and whatever you can against false allegations like that, because it is an indication again, another red flag of somebody who is mentally and emotionally unstable that is perpetrating this stuff on you. So we don't hear this statistic at all. We don't hear it about the single mother, superpowers, et cetera. This is important for you to know.
Speaker 1:Okay, the next one, number three the Cinderella effect. Why stepchildren are at higher risk. Why stepchildren are at higher risk? Evolutionary psychology offers an explanation for this, and that is an explanation as to why stepchildren are more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of a mother's new partner. The Cinderella effect refers to the tendency for non-biological parents and just think of the story of Cinderella Non-biological parents, and just think of the story of Cinderella Non-biological parents, particularly stepfathers and Cinderella was a stepmother right To invest less in and be more likely to mistreat stepchildren compared to their own biological offspring. And the reasons behind this include one a lack of genetic investment. Behind this include one a lack of genetic investment. A non-biological male has no evolutionary incentive to protect and nurture a child that is not his own. Again, this might not register at a conscious level, but this is again something in our DNA that manifests potentially and usually unconsciously. Another one is resentment and stress. Some men may see their partner's children as obstacles to their relationship and develop resentment toward them. We see this oftentimes in movies, right Less? Emotional bonding is another one. Since a boyfriend or stepfather has not built an emotional connection with the child from birth, their attachment and patient levels may be lower. So those are the reasons behind that Cinderella effect.
Speaker 1:Number four the role of single motherhood and serial relationships. Again, we're talking about the risks of child abuse and new partners. So this is number four the role of single motherhood in serial relationships. Studies also highlight that children in homes where a mother cycles through multiple relationships face the highest levels of instability and risk. When a mother introduces multiple male figures into her child's life, over time the child may experience chronic instability which can lead to emotional distress, anxiety and an increased vulnerability to abuse. The risk of abuse increases with each new male figure brought into the home. Risk of abuse increases with each new male figure brought into the home, as some may enter the relationship with predatory intentions towards vulnerable children.
Speaker 1:And there is no doubt that during a divorce, our children are vulnerable. They are going through a difficult and challenging time just as we are All the mental, emotional issues, everything that's going on in our minds. Our kids are having a similar experience in their own lives, in their own environments, in their own ways. So don't and while they are resilient and you'll always hear me say how resilient they are and they will come through it don't discount the fact that they're at a vulnerable point during a divorce and just post-divorce. Okay, now there's one other thing that I want to talk about. So those were four, but there's one other that is a big one that I see that is becoming more and more prevalent in this. I'm not going to get into the societal things.
Speaker 1:It is called white knighting. So white knighting refers to a behavior where a man feels compelled to defend, protect or rescue women, often in a way okay. So there's nothing wrong with defending, protecting or rescuing women, right? But this is in a way that it's excessive, unsolicited or even detrimental to the situation. And while at first glance it might seem like chivalry or noble behavior, white knighting often stems from deeper psychological and emotional issues that can make these men manipulative, controlling or even dangerous in relationships.
Speaker 1:Manipulative, controlling or even dangerous in relationships, particularly when they enter a household with children from a previous relationship. So let's describe this in the context of what it looks like in divorce, a white knight is typically a man who intervenes into your ex's life often in online debates, relationships, personal conflicts out of a personal perceived moral obligation to quote-unquote save her. This manifests in unwarranted defenses of a woman's actions, even when she's in the wrong. A savior complex where he believes it's his job to protect women from harm real or imagined. Hyper-aggressive behavior towards other men, viewing them as threats or quote villains. A desire for validation, where the knight expects gratitude or romantic affection in return for his effort. This will manifest sometimes where they're bad-mouthing you or the father or the situation, et cetera, in order to make themselves feel better and trying to make themselves look better.
Speaker 1:Number two why do some men exhibit white knight behavior? White knighting is not just about being polite or protective, which is a masculine trait, but it stems from deep-seated emotional and psychological issues that make these men vulnerable to unhealthy relationship dynamics. First is low self-esteem. Many white knights have a poor self-image and believe that their worth is determined by how much they can quote, rescue or quote support a woman. Another is unresolved mother issues. Some men who are raised by overbearing or emotionally manipulative mothers develop a need to seek approval from women at any cost. Another is fear of rejection. Instead of approaching relationships with confidence, white knights try to earn affection by being excessively helpful or self-sacrificing, not only with your ex, but with your children as well. That's a red flag to look for Overcompensation for past failures. Some men who have failed in relationships or have been labeled as quote too nice, take on a white knight persona to differentiate themselves from quote unquote bad men. And, lastly, ideological conditioning. In some cases, men have been socially conditioned and we're seeing this a lot right now and this is why there's such a prevalence of it to believe that all women are victims and all men except them are aggressors.
Speaker 1:So let's talk now about when white knighting becomes dangerous. So I know this is getting long and we're going to get into protective measures. Bear with me here. This is going to be a longer podcast because we need to get into this. And just know I'm going to post this as a blog post at the Divorced Advocate this week because I think this information is critical for you to have. You can go back, you can look at the show notes here and print those off, but you can also go to the blog post at TheDivorcedAdvocatecom.
Speaker 1:So when white knighting becomes dangerous, while some white knight behavior may seem harmless, it can quickly turn toxic, especially in situations where a man enters a relationship with a single mother and starts assuming control over her children. That would look like overstepping boundaries. White knights may try to assert dominance over a woman's children, seeing themselves as the new quote unquote protector of the household. This can create conflict with the biological father and absolutely confuses the children. Another is aggression towards the biological father. Some white knights see ex-husbands or fathers as threats, leading to unnecessary hostility, legal battles or even false accusations. Another is manipulative behavior. Because white knights believe they are quote-unquote owed something for their loyalty and protection. They can become passive-aggressive, controlling or abusive if they don't get the gratitude or affection they expect. It's basically rooted in codependency, is what it comes down to, but it manifests in relationships as white knighting, because a lot of this stuff you hear the passive, aggressive, the controlling, the abusive, the need for gratitude and affection, et cetera. That's all. Those are all symptoms of codependency. The last one masking insecurity with overcompensation. Many white knights are actually emotionally fragile and may lash out if their authority or quote unquote protector role is questioned.
Speaker 1:Okay, number four the white knight's role in stepchild abuse. So pay close attention to this one. Well, not all white knights are dangerous and I would say that the majority of them are not. The majority of them are mentally, emotionally screwed up. They are probably codependent, like I said, but there are psychopaths out there and there are some that have some significant mental, emotional problems. So a disturbing number of child abuse cases involve men who enter relationships with single mothers and develop unhealthy, controlling and then even violent relationships with their stepchildren, and studies show that non-biological like I said this before studies show that non-biological male caregivers, stepfathers and boyfriends are significantly more likely to abuse children than biological fathers. Some white knights view the children as competition for their partner's attention we mentioned that and in extreme cases, a white knight's protective nature turns into authoritarian control leading to emotional or physical abuse. So how can fathers protect their children from a white knight? You know what we're going to skip this one. Actually, let's just get into protective measures for you fathers in general. This is for white knights. These all kind of fall within the same thing.
Speaker 1:The first, number one, most important thing that you can do is maintain open communication with your kiddos. It's the most effective way to protect them, and by creating a safe and open environment where they feel comfortable talking to you about anything, including concerns about their mother's new boyfriend. So how can you encourage honest conversations? The first thing is to be an active listener. Make time for regular conversations and let your children talk freely, without judgment. Now, I know that this is a hard one while you're going through it and maybe post-divorce and when you're trying to figure out life 2.0, and it might not be as easy to be present with them. This is a critical, critical skill to learn and focus on, and, I would say, one of the first and primary ones that you should work on in the beginning in order to be able to be an active listener, so that they know that they can come to you and that you're going to be listening.
Speaker 1:The next way to encourage honest conversations is ask open-ended questions. So, instead of asking like, is everything okay? Which, if, depending on the age of your children, if it's a teenager, it might be a grunt like uh-huh or a yes, instead, try, how do you feel about spending time with mom's new boyfriend, right? So that's an open-ended question. You still might be you, you still might get a fine, you still might get something. That that's. That's short, but it will potentially prompt, um, uh, a conversation around. Well, fine, is not a feeling excited, happy, scared, those are. Those are feelings, right? So the follow-up questions are are uh, as well, and that's part of that being present and be able to have that conversation with them.
Speaker 1:The next way is normalize speaking up. Assure your children that they should always tell you if they feel uncomfortable, scared or pressured in any way. And you can do this by starting that practice in your environment and your household and also by demonstrating that yourself to them, by modeling that to them and talking to them about how you're feeling. If you start prompting and sharing with them how you're feeling, and you can do it in situations at times where it's very comfortable you guys might be playing or doing something fun and you can just tell them how excited and fun, how much fun you're having with them. Right, do it with quote, unquote, positive feelings, right. And then work your way into what may be perceived as more difficult or challenging ones if you're feeling sad or angry or whatever else. But that's going to normalize them, speaking up about how they feel, and then just make sure to listen and acknowledge how they feel, because you don't want them to say it and then feel like that just went by the wayside. Now I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't want to get into the weeds on how to do that, because with our society it's every feeling. Sometimes we have feelings all the time that come up. So sometimes they're just feelings that we can't delve into every feeling all the time. So anyway, but just normalize speaking up all the time. So anyway, but just normalize speaking up.
Speaker 1:Another way to encourage honest conversation is watch for indirect clues. Some children may not explicitly say they're afraid, but changes in their behavior could indicate distress. These might be anxiety, withdrawal, bad wedding, anger, acting out at school. If you see some changes, you know your kiddo, you've been with them since birth. So if you see some of these indirect clues, pay attention to those, pay attention to those. So what is a red flag in having honest conversations? If your child hesitates to talk to you about their mother's new boyfriend or suddenly avoids visiting their mother's house, do not ignore this behavior. Now, that's not to say that the younger ones, when they're leaving, say, oh, I don't want to go, I don't want to go. That is very, very common. They've gotten used to where they're at and then they say they don't want to go. This is if they are avoiding and you can see some of those indirect clues of anxiety or withdrawal or something else, maybe physically manifesting where they don't want to go to their mother's house. So pay attention to those red flags, okay.
Speaker 1:The second protective measure, fellas, is stay involved. Okay, so you're maintaining open communication with your kids. Stay involved in your children's lives at all costs. Fathers who remain actively involved in their children's lives significantly reduce the risk posed by predatory or abusive stepfathers or boyfriends. Here are some ways to stay involved Regular visitation, if you share custody, ensure you exercise all your parenting time and don't miss visits.
Speaker 1:If you have limited visitation rights, fight for more time. I'm going to read that again, guys, because the alienation that I see with the guys that come through the community that is going on out there is absolutely. It's disgusting and it's wrong and it's being overlooked, but it's incumbent upon us to fight that. So the number one way to stay involved in your children's life is to make sure you have your regular visitation, no matter what. If you share custody, again, ensure you exercise all of your parenting time and don't miss visits. And if you have limited time, fight for more time that you think is appropriate. There is nothing more important than your involvement in your children's lives.
Speaker 1:Another way to stay engaged is school and extracurricular involvement. Make sure to attend the parent-teacher's conferences. Don't abdicate this you may have during the marriage. Make sure you get involved now. Go to sporting events and after-school activities. It not only strengthens your bond, but also ensures you're aware of any behavioral changes in your child, because you're there, you're watching, you're paying attention and you know what's going on. Another is know your child's friends and their parents. That's important as well. Your child's social circle can provide additional insight if they notice unusual behavior, and I'm going to add to that by knowing their parents not just the kiddos, but knowing the parents you're going to have a good idea of the environment that they're cultivating in and or or the kids that weren't introduced from or through your environment. So know their friends, talk to them about their friends, have their friends visit, do playdates with them if they're younger, have them over if they're older, and meet their parents and talk to their parents. It's incredibly, incredibly important.
Speaker 1:So what's a red flag alert around staying involved in your children's lives If your ex tries to limit your time with your children or makes excuses about why they quote unquote don't want to visit. It may be a sign of parental alienation or an attempt to hide a bad situation. I said it before. I'm going to say it one more time, and you hear me say this every week, and if you get one on one of our group calls and you're a new person, you hear every single one of us guys talking about doing everything we can do to make sure that we are realizing the parenting time that we have arranged and, if we need more, that we're realizing the parenting time that we have arranged and if we need more, that we're fighting for that parenting time. So that is a red flag. If they don't want to visit, okay enough with that, I think you get the point.
Speaker 1:The third protective measure is educate your children about boundaries and safety. Children need to understand their personal rights and boundaries so they can recognize inappropriate behavior and report it without fear. Part of this starts in your own household, in your environment, setting boundaries for yourself with them. When they see that, they know that they can do that with others. We want them to grow up to have healthy, functioning adult lives. Part of that is having healthy boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. So make sure to not only model that yourself but talk about that.
Speaker 1:And there's nothing wrong with identifying and talking about behaviors in their mother's house or by their mother, behaviors, specifically behaviors that you are not in agreement with. So that's not bad mouthing their mom, that is just saying that you do not feel comfortable with those behaviors. Now, if you've got a great working relationship, hopefully you can talk with her about that. But oftentimes that's not the case and it is important to point those behaviors out to the kids, explain to them why you feel that it is not appropriate and what you feel is a better and more appropriate behavior. So don't be afraid to have those conversations granted in whatever age-appropriate way that you do it with them.
Speaker 1:So teach your children their body, their rules. No one, not even a stepfather or authority figure, has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Again, have these conversations, fellas. Some of these conversations are incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable. But here's what I can say is, if you start them early and you start them early in the process of your divorce, but also start it early in their life the conversations when they get older, they're just going to know dad's going to talk about this stuff and it's okay to have these conversations. That goes back to encouraging them to have honest conversations. They're uncomfortable, you might not know how to have them and really there's no right or wrong way to do it and you might feel uncomfortable and you might screw it up. Trust me, you're going to, and it might be weird and awkward and difficult, but make sure to have these conversations with them. Also, teach them the difference between discipline and abuse. Some new partners may claim I'm just being tough on them, when they're actually being abusive. There's a difference between discipline and abuse.
Speaker 1:Teach them secrets are red flags. There should never, ever, under any circumstance, be a secret. Teach them that no adult should ever tell them to keep a secret from you. This is a very common tactic of predators, so there should never, ever be any secrets or lying between you and your kiddos, so just communicate that with them. Another one teach them how to call for help. Ensure that they know how to call you, a trusted family member or a friend, or even 911, if they feel unsafe. So what is a red flag around educating your children about boundaries and safety If your child suddenly becomes fearful of physical contact? So all of a sudden you're giving hugs they're used to giving hugs, running up to you, stuff like that and they become fearful that that is a red flag. Or if they hesitate to talk about their time at their mother's house, investigate that further. Now that's going to be a little more of a situation where you're going to have to maneuver and massage that conversation. But if they start to be guarding and hesitant or even defensive of what's going on at their mother's house, you might want to start trying to delve into that a little bit further. Okay, bear with me. We've got a few more ways in which you can take protective measures.
Speaker 1:The next one is monitor the new man's behavior and background. It's important to be aware of who is around your children and whether they have a history of violent behavior, criminal activity or manipulation tactics. So some of this you're going to have to become a PI. How can you assess a new boyfriend or stepdad? First thing you can do is you can check criminal records. If you suspect a red flag, you can run a background check through public records. Actually, a simple Google search should be able to pull up a lot of stuff. If you need to go further and deeper into that, you can do a background check. Hopefully your ex has thought about this and thinks and wants to make sure that she is vetting people who are into her life. But this, for the reasons that we mentioned earlier, does not happen. Okay, and that's the same in our lives too. With any new person, a new romantic partner, that comes in, we want to make sure to vet these, but you can vet through criminal background checks and records.
Speaker 1:The next is look for manipulative behavior. Does he try to exclude your child? Look for manipulative behavior. Does he try to exclude you from your child's life, paint you as the quote-unquote bad guy or push for more control over your child? Huge red flag. As soon as he starts bad-mouthing you, that is a huge, huge red flag. There is never going to be anybody other than you as their father. So if somebody is not encouraging that, if another man is not encouraging that, then that is a huge red flag. The next way to monitor is observe how he treats your children. Is he too harsh with discipline, overly possessive or quick to anger? Again, some signs Also talk to your ex, if possible, even if it's not making it known as important.
Speaker 1:Communicating with an ex can be challenging, but expressing concern in a non-confrontational way may help. Even if it just serves to put her on notice that you are paying attention. That is not a bad thing. That is actually a positive thing. So even if you know you're not going to get a reaction that is positive, or you think that it's going to be a fruitful conversation, have the conversation. Red flag alert If the new boyfriend has a history of domestic violence, child abuse or substance abuse, take immediate legal action to protect your child.
Speaker 1:And when I say immediate, I mean immediate. So don't go negotiating with your ex, don't go dilly-dallying and contemplating what you need to do. You need to take actions because that is a concerning situation. Okay, number five and this leads into this utilizing legal safeguards if necessary. If you believe your child is in imminent danger, do not hesitate to take legal actions. Courts take child welfare concern very seriously and you have legal options to protect your children. Now I say that they take concerns very seriously. Outcomes aren't necessarily great, but they do pay attention when you start bringing this stuff up.
Speaker 1:So here are the steps to take if you suspect abuse or neglect, document every single thing. Keep a record of strange behaviors, bruises, changes in personality. Keep a record of strange behaviors, bruises, changes in personality, anything suspicious. Start a file, start a Google Drive whatever it might be and document, document, document. Request a custody modification If you have concerns, you may be able to increase your parenting time or request full custody If the environment is unsafe. This is going to be a long, long process, particularly if she's going to fight it. It's probably going to take a child welfare or a child and family investigation or a parental responsibility evaluation or whatever they call it in your area. This will take a long time and be very costly, but look, there's no investment too large for us to protect our kids. So, no matter the time or resources that are necessary to do that, do it.
Speaker 1:You can seek a protection order. If there is evidence of abuse and you need real, specific evidence, you can file for a restraining order against the new partner. Another is involving child protective services. If you believe your child is being abused, contact CPS or law enforcement immediately. But you've got to have something that is concrete in order to do that. Do not use this or weaponize this as something that is just playtime fellas. It's got to be serious. So what's a red flag? If your child tells you something disturbing, take it seriously. Many cases of abuse go unreported because children fear they won't be believed.
Speaker 1:All right, the last one, the last way in which you can make sure to take protective and proactive measures for your kiddos is fostering a positive co-parenting relationship. And I know that's not possible with lots of you it wasn't possible with me but a cooperative relationship with your ex can help prevent dangerous situations. If she sees you as an ally rather than an adversary, she may be more receptive to your concerns about her new partner. And look, guys, I know many of you are dealing with somebody who's mentally, emotionally maladjusted or has a personality disorder, and that's just not going to happen. I understand that, um, but even even then, trying to make overtures can, uh, can help to maybe alleviate a situation or mitigate a situation or, um, or just make things, uh, potentially in the short term, better for you. So taking uh, taking that, I don't want to say high road, that's not the best way to say it but taking that initiative to try to foster that as much as you possibly can is great.
Speaker 1:And how do you do that? Keep focused on the kids, even if you and your ex aren't getting along. Frame conversations around what's best for your child. That is a great way to think about things, framing everything around. This is what's best for the kids, this is what's best, et cetera. Express concerns, not accusations. That's a good one too.
Speaker 1:If you have concerns, bring them up calmly and with evidence, rather than attacking her choices. Okay, again, address specifically situations and behaviors that are facts. Don't get emotional about it, and make sure that you do it calmly and with evidence. The next one would be to stay respectful but firm. If she's unwilling to listen, you may need to take legal action, but always document your concerns first. Again, that's a communication verbally, but also get it in writing as well. Your red flag alert around this is if your ex is defensive, secretive or dismissive when you raise concerns, this could indicate she is in denial about a serious problem. All right, gentlemen, that has been a lot, I know. Again, I'm going to have this up on the website, on the blog coming up next week, so you can check it all out.
Speaker 1:But in conclusion, as a divorced father, but in conclusion, as a divorced father, our children's safety and emotional well-being is always our top priority and, while co-parenting can be complex, staying proactive, engaged and informed about the potential risk associated with a new partner in your ex's life is essential. Maintain open communication with your kiddos, foster a strong bond and keep a watchful eye for warning signs. This is going to help you ensure they remain safe and supported. Legal safeguards and strong parenting strategies can empower you to protect your children if concerns arise. Remember your role as their father is irreplaceable. Let me say that again your role as their father is irreplaceable and your presence, love and vigilance will serve as their greatest shield against harm. While the challenges of post-divorce parenting can be daunting, your commitment to their well-being will make all the difference in providing them with the stability and security they deserve.
Speaker 1:Fellas, thank you so much for listening this week. I hope that you found value in this. Please, if you did, share it far and wide on social media, give us a star rating. Even better, give some comments in whatever podcast or platform you're listening or watching this on. Thank you so much. Have a terrific week and God bless.
