The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
Dads face unique issues during and after divorce. We identify and address the issues relevant to divorced/divorcing dads and create an action plan to survive and thrive!
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The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
255 - REPLAY - Navigating Divorce: Why Every Dad Needs a Coach
Feeling overwhelmed by divorce? You're not alone. The journey through divorce as a dad presents unique challenges that can leave even the most confident men feeling lost and uncertain about the future.
Divorce coaching has emerged as a crucial resource for fathers navigating this difficult transition. While attorneys focus solely on legal matters, therapists on emotional healing, and financial advisors on money concerns, a divorce coach provides the comprehensive guidance needed to integrate these perspectives into a cohesive strategy tailored to your specific situation.
In this episode, I outline seven compelling reasons why hiring a divorce coach should be your first step—even before retaining an attorney.
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Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate Divorce Support for Dads, where we help dads create a healthy and less traumatic divorce. My name is Jude Sandoval and I'm your host. I created this podcast in the Divorced Advocate community as a result of my own high conflict divorce and because you, as a dad, deserve all the resources necessary to thrive through this challenging time. I encourage you to check out our website at thedivorcedadvocatecom, where there are resources that correspond to this episode, as well as free access to our membership community, where you will find live meetings, free workshops and courses, private discussion groups and more. And now on to this week's episode. Hello and welcome to this week's episode. Hello and welcome to this week's episode. Today we're going to be talking about why you need a divorce coach and we're going to talk about some reasons, as well as some benefits, to hiring a divorce coach.
Speaker 1:But before we chat about that, I just wanted to say that I hope everybody all of my dad friends out there listening that celebrated Christmas, had a good Christmas. I know that it may have been a challenging time for you, wherever you're at in your divorce At this point. The holidays, particularly Christmas, at least for me was difficult and challenging particularly Christmas, at least for me, was difficult and challenging, but if you're listening to this and you're tuning in, this is the day after and you are strong and you got through it and I'm proud of you and keep it up. I promise that as you get through more holidays and you go through this process, that they will become much more fulfilling, particularly if they were challenging for you this time. So hope you had a Merry Christmas and let's look forward to this coming new year in 2023.
Speaker 1:So I realized this week, on that note of 2023 and assessing some of the important things that we've done here in the Divorced Advocate community and some of the successes we've had, and reviewing some of my coaching clients and talking with some of them about the good things that have happened in their coaching and in their lives and the work that we've been doing, that I had never done an episode about coaching and why it's important for you to have a coach, and I know that there's thousands of you that are listening and listen for all of the tips that we talk about and all of the expert advice that is given by all of my colleagues that come on and talk, but we've never really talked about divorce coaching and it is something now that has become fairly common in the divorce world, particularly in Western developed countries. And I did a quick Google search before getting on here and there's pages and pages of divorce coaches now which I wasn't entirely aware of. And now, obviously, that seems like I'm a little bit sheltered, considering that I am a divorce coach and that I do divorce coaching every single day, but I think that's the reason why well, I know the reason why I'm isolated, because I'm pretty focused on dads specifically, but the other thing that I find that is important about the point that there are pages and pages of divorce coaches is that it's becoming something that is common, but out of out of demand always comes some kind of unique creation or or service or a product or something. So we see this all the time with the advent of social media sites and tick tock these days Back back in my day, it was what was it? Myspace and we see it, and we've just seen it across history.
Speaker 1:So I feel like the fact that it is becoming more commonplace is an indicator that it is becoming more important for people in divorce and I would say dads, especially in divorce to be looking at finding a divorce coach, and so, on that note, let's start off with seven reasons why you need a divorce coach, and the first one is you need one if this is your first divorce, maybe even if it is your second or third divorce, even more importantly, but the point being is that you are going through something for the first time ever. You've never experienced this before, you've never gone through divorce. You don't know what to expect. You've maybe seen things on TV, heard things from friends about divorce, but don't really know the ins and outs and the nitty gritty about the entire process, and that's not just the legal process. The legal process in and of itself is overwhelming and intricate and complicated and not structured to be user-friendly, which is by design so that we have to use attorneys, which is by design so that we have to use attorneys, but also in the sense that it's complex because it is the melding of lots of different things happening and we're going to talk about this and some of the next reasons why. But there's a lot of emotions going on. There's a lot hanging in the balance from a financial standpoint. There's a lot hanging in the balance from the standpoint of a future relationship with your children. So if you haven't done anything lots of times and whatever, whatever you're in, whatever kind of work, you do think about the first time you did it and whether or not you were proficient and knowledgeable at it and whether or not now you are after doing it for such an amount, such a vast amount of time. And so that goes the same with divorce.
Speaker 1:Divorce I remember the just not understanding and really knowing the process for going through the legal system, and at the time my first attorney was not very efficient or very good at communicating that with me. So it was very uncertain all of the time and I just didn't know. And sometimes I asked questions and sometimes I got and I just didn't know. And sometimes I ask questions and sometimes I got answers, sometimes I didn't, and sometimes I didn't answer or ask the questions that I needed to. But when you have a divorce coach, their understanding of this legal process and particularly if you've had somebody like I've literally been through just about every stage, and the only reason I hesitate to say that is because if I say it and there isn't one, I feel like the universe is going to put me through it just so I can have to learn that. But that's okay. That's still going to be a blessing because I can help more of you the more I go through more of these things.
Speaker 1:But whether it is pre-divorce going through nesting, going through the mediation process, actually going to trial or settling post-divorce with parallel parenting or going back to court and how you do that and all this, depositions, all kinds of stuff, I've just seen a ton of it which you know when you're going through it the first time and even this past year was the first time for me to go through depositions it's very, very disconcerting and uncomfortable because you just don't know what it is. But now I've got it under my belt and I can share with you what that's like and what you can expect and what you need to do to prepare, et cetera. And so that's the number one top. I would say that's reason number one on my list, but it's also the top reason. It's just because you haven't been through it before. Number two is your brain is operating on adrenaline and fear.
Speaker 1:So we are designed to work off of the polyvagal system in our minds and in our bodies and what that is the fight, flight or freeze and so it's just been millennia that we work off of that. And now, while we're not in survival mode and trying to find food or just survive through the day, when things come up like this and something very big and complex and scary and uncertain in our lives comes up like divorce, then our body does react in that same old way that we've been patterned to for so many hundreds of thousands of years. And so what that can do is man. It can make you, it can put you into this whole scenario of drowning in the, in the what ifs and and for. For guys, our masculine nature is really wanting to have a linear path for where we're going and how we're going to get there, and so I don't know about you this might describe you, it definitely described me is thinking about all the what ifs, what if this happened, and then what if that happened, and then what if?
Speaker 1:That scenario and then it's like A, b, c, d, and then A to C or maybe B to C to D, or plan B, plan C, and what is going to happen and what it just can absolutely just create just chaos in your brain and it could also lead to making it difficult and some mental fog around making decisions, around stuff, because there's so much so many things going on. It's so complex and you've got so many what ifs going through your mind and there are a lot of what ifs. There's not a ton that we can control and you've heard me probably say this before other than our emotions or how we react to our emotions and to any of the situations, but there's not a ton that we can control definitively through the process. So that's something also that a coach is going to help you work with is sorting through some of that. Sorting through all of that and trying to get you to come out of that adrenaline and fear and that reaction type way that we just are naturally and physiologically designed to react to difficult and challenging situations or scary survival situations in our lives. Scary survival situations in our lives.
Speaker 1:Number three if you were not in charge of or don't have a firm grasp of, your finances or your financial records and don't know how to act as them or what to do with them or anything about them, perhaps you abdicated that responsibility and now you're thinking, oh, I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it. Or even if you were in the charge of them and you are the one that handles and takes care of everything. There are huge implications around finances when you're going through divorce, huge implications around finances when you're going through divorce. And that can be even if it's a simple divorce and it's perhaps not as complicated as owning businesses and separating businesses or properties or anything like that, but it can. It's also going to. It's going to no matter what just the basic math about it is going to have serious financial implications in your life, and I don't think anybody can deny that. Because you're taking one household, splitting it into two, and that's two sets of bills with one similar or at least not too much more, too much different income than what was before. So the simple math says well, that's going to have a strain or a burden on finances. So, at the very least, working through that and understanding and setting yourself up for success going forward.
Speaker 1:Because what happens oftentimes with the dads that I am in contact with or that I'm coaching is that they really want to just make things okay, they want to be nice, they want to figure things out, they just want to settle, make it difficult on the kids and in doing so they make agreements that put them in very dire financial straits and that is not a positive, because then what happens is it creates a stress and a burden on you. That then translates into your relationships with your children, your relationships in general, but specifically to your relationships with your children. Because if you're stressed out about money and how you're going to support the family and what you're going to do, or even if it's as dire as your next meal or shelter or clothing, then that is not going to be a good place. So avoiding that is huge and it's really the time to do. It is up front. When you're going through the divorce, it is so much harder to do after the fact. When you're going through the divorce, it is so much harder to do after the fact. So for those of you that are listening right now that have not settled or come to an agreement or are post-divorce, just keep that in mind. It's critical that you work that out and figure that out in an amicable way that's going to be fair to both parties and everybody, because ultimately it's not fair to the kids if one party or the other is struggling.
Speaker 1:Number four your confidence is shot Now. So this is a tough one as guys. Right Because, right Because and I'll tell you what man I've seen. I've seen some high powered CEOs and some, some fellows that are very prominent in their fields and have responsibilities for hundreds of people in the confidence ass for sure. Because no matter what we were capable of before, no matter what we were doing, whatever we designed before, whatever we thought we had, whatever we thought we wanted to have, this just comes at, just does a number on our confidence, particularly if we are served by our soon-to-be ex or our ex.
Speaker 1:Because what happens there is being, as Bruce Fisher, dr Bruce Fisher says in his book, rebuilding we become the dumpy. We're the ones that are served papers. And then the emotional, mental-em, emotional dynamic is a little bit different, primarily in the sense that the party that serves the papers has probably been thinking about this for a little while, hopefully, has been thinking about this for a little while, and has done more processing around this and potentially more, hopefully, some healing around it and and put some serious uh thought in in game plan, et cetera, around this. And then so for the ones that gets uh in 70, more than 70% of men are the ones that are served papers. So we're, we are behind the eight ball, if you will, because we immediately have our shock and no matter what happens and no matter the situation, I think that any time this happens, unless there is a real conscious effort to talk through it and this is when we're going to file and one person is going to serve the other person because that just has to be the way it is that there's going to be some level of shock and that's going to take a hit on our confidence. So, no matter how confident you are as a man, in your masculine nature, as a father, that this is going to have an impact on your confidence.
Speaker 1:And then what happens is and this happened to me too is you start second guessing yourself and you start thinking well, is that? Did I do that wrong, or did I do that right? Or, in current situations, should I do this, should I make that decision? And then that goes to the what ifs, number two. So what ifs? And then you have troubles. You know you get that brain fog and then you might have paralysis by analysis.
Speaker 1:And that again is where a coach can come in, can help you sort things out, particularly a solid coach that's got a system, like my five point system for going through this, that that we work through in a system, in trying to figure out and work this out from a macro perspective, not just specifically in one thing or another. And let me touch on that a little bit too, because the first thing we always hear is that you got to hire an attorney and that's probably the worst thing that you can do. Actually and I'm not just because I am a coach and that I'm biased is the first thing I would say is hire a coach. So when you're going and starting a team, they don't hire, they at least wouldn't be prudent. And as far as I see, most of the time you don't go out and you like hire the running back or the or the goalie or one of the players. First, you hire the coach. Right, you're going to hire a coach to help you build that and sort through and figure out who you want on your team.
Speaker 1:So finding a coach would be the first thing that I would recommend. And you might say, oh, okay, well, I don't have the money for that because I'm going to have to pay attorney's fees. And then what the simple math you just talked about, jude, is? It's going to be much more expensive for me, but I can guarantee you that you are going to save money just on attorney's fees and not having to ask them questions, not having to have them be your therapist, not having them to have to hold your hand through the process, having you be prepared. 100% of the attorneys that I have worked with or I work with are happy to work with coaches because they know that their clients are going to be better prepared. And you might think that attorneys don't want that, but attorneys do want that because they're focused on getting through the legal process. That is their focus, and so that's my next point is you're going to have them focused on the legal process. You're going to have a financial planner or an accountant focused on that. Maybe you're kind of a therapist also, which I highly recommend Focus on your mental, emotional states.
Speaker 1:So all of these people are going to be siloed into their little areas that they have, their expertise and what they want to see happen in the context of your divorce and how this process works. Well, that might not always mesh with each other, and then all you're doing is adding to this, this chaos in your mind and the what ifs, and then what comes next is et cetera, and if you don't have some, and then you, then you pour in your emotions to all of that and having to deal with your, your soon to be ex or your ex, and then the kids, and it's just a recipe for chaos. So if you have a coach that's helping you through this process and helping you to look at all of this and work through and take what each one of those individuals is saying to you and then you and then help you to decide what is going to be best for you in the long run, because that's not the same for everybody. And attorneys like to get through the process. They know which hoops to jump through, they know how to do it and they know the process, but they don't necessarily know what is going to be the best for you. Neither does your financial planner or accountant, neither does your therapist 100% Only you do. But sorting through that, particularly in this difficult, challenging, stressful time, can be an absolute feeling of an insurmountable task, and so getting a coach to help you sort through that once a week for an hour is going to be way, way, way better and a better start, and financially better too. And the second part of that financial is first, it's going to save you with attorneys at the very least. But second, what I just spoke to about the finances you're not going to get into a financial situation if you have a good coach that you're set up poorly for the future because they're going to help you talk through that and figure out what's going to be best for you, so long-term that's going to work out for you as well. That saves money in having to go back to court or having to go back and redo things if your parenting plan isn't right or you're having issues or you didn't see something coming that a coach might be able to say hey, have you considered this? So I guarantee it, I've never had a client say, man, this just has not been worth the money. It's always always worth the money. Okay, enough of that.
Speaker 1:The number five is you are seeing red in everything. You're just angry. You're angry all of the time. And so here's the thing is, it's okay and it's okay to be angry, but this being angry and how you you exhibit your behaviors when you are angry can have a huge impact on the outcome of your divorce and it can have a huge impact on the future relationship you have with your kids. Now again, there's nothing inherently wrong with being angry, particularly if you're the one that gets served and you didn't see it coming and you feel there's injustice or infidelity or whatever it might be. I know, I've been there, I've felt this, but what you do with it and how you go about it is huge and a coach is going to help you from walking off that cliff and making things much worse for yourself than it could be because you got angry. And a really good coach is going to help you take that anger and take it through the grief process, because anger is one of the stages and steps for grieving, and so a good coach is going to help you to understand that and then also help you to utilize that going forward in how to take that anger, how to use it in the grieving process, how to heal and then come to some sort of acceptance and move forward and get healthy and have that life 2.0. So, absolutely positively, a huge one. Particularly if you know that you've got maybe some angry outbursts or anger issues or you suppress your anger or you just feel rage inside. Make sure to get a coach that can help you with that, and we can also help in conjunction with a therapist as well. But what we're going to do and how we're going to do differently than that was. We're going to talk about specific scenarios in creating that environment. One of the steps is one of the steps in my five-step process is optimizing your environment. So we're going to optimize your environment for success and not for potential triggers and getting angry or having any kind of confrontation and stuff like that can be huge.
Speaker 1:I've seen it happen so many times where dads have just made their lives so much more difficult in court because of just one incident where they just lost control, and it just has a huge impact because, hey guys, we're walking into court at a disadvantage from the get-go. You don't want to make anything worse. Number six you want to be the best parent you can be, but you just don't know how. You just can't see the forest for the trees because you're in the middle of the divorce and you have no idea how that's going to happen. You don't know how you're going to be a single dad. You don't know how you're going to handle everything. It's just chaotic, uncertain and again, you haven't been through it. You haven't been a single dad before and that is that's daunting. That's daunting. It was for me, but I can tell you you are number one, strong enough to be able to do it, and there are millions of men across the world that are doing it. I work with tons of men every single day that are doing a phenomenal, phenomenal job of it, and so I know it might seem like you can't do it by yourself or that you don't know how to do it by yourself, but again, a good coach is going to help you work through that, just starting small and starting through the divorce process.
Speaker 1:You might think, well, that starts after the divorce. It doesn't. It starts immediately, as soon as you start that divorce, because you need to be structuring yourself and structuring your environment and your relationships and everything for the future of how you're going to be parenting hopefully co-parenting, if not co-parenting, parallel parenting with your soon-to-be ex. And so the number one thing around that is stopping the unhealthy relational dynamic that may have been happening, that has led to the demise of the marriage, and so you don't want to be repeating that same unhealthy relational dynamic post-divorce that you had during the divorce. And so if you start with that, and you're going to be surprised because that unhealthy relational dynamic is probably carrying into a relationship with your children, and so that is going to be one of the number one things you're going to work on. And, just like one of the first building block steps, rebuilding steps in the Rebuilding book by Dr Bruce Fisher is addressing those maladaptive behaviors and what those could be and how you fix them and how do you remedy those and how you can go forward. So that's one also.
Speaker 1:And then the last one, number seven, is the idea of life after divorce is killing you. This kind of dovetails with what I was talking about about being a parent. But you just have no idea what you're going to do after the divorce is over and you face yourself and your new life or who you're going to be. This just really basically ties in everything Our confidence we don't know what comes next basically ties in everything. Our confidence we don't know what comes next. Just this haze, this uncertainty, this everything that goes into this whole process.
Speaker 1:And again, a coach is just going to take you from step one all the way through this. I've got my five-step process. We're going to work through this. We're going to take our time. We're going to work through this. We're going to take our time. We're going to get feedback from all of your experts. We're going to help Hopefully the coach is going to help you to build that team.
Speaker 1:Help you with what attorney is going to be good or bad based upon your situation. Do you need to get an accountant or a forensic accounting done? What kind of therapy would be beneficial for you? With therapy, or is there a need for reintegration therapy or family therapy with the kids and yourself or your soon-to-be ex? What other kinds of needs might you have? Should you do nesting? Should you not do nesting? Should you move out? Should you stay? What kind of account should you set up? What kind of communication should you have? Should you communicate through text or online platform? What you can expect in your first meetings with your attorney? All kinds of things. All of these questions are questions that are asked every single day to divorce coaches and they're going to help you sort through all of those.
Speaker 1:And so, again, that's step seven. It's just going to help to put you on a roadmap that is going to help you to get through this in the most efficient and effective way. So I talked about a lot of those benefits, but let me just briefly rattle off some five. Not rattle off, but just share with you five benefits tried and true and seriously solid benefits of working with a divorce coach. And I'm going to start with what I just ended with, and number one is that they're going to provide you with a game plan. We're going to put you on a roadmap, build your team and then put the game plan together. Build your team first, put your game plan together and then help you to execute that game plan. And that's step. Number two is help you understand those important decisions. So that goes back to this. I'll use the sports analogy again. So you're playing this game with this team and things may go right and you may have success or you may need to make some changes. And again, that's what a divorce coach is gonna help you do is make some changes, make a pivot, maybe do something else, but they're gonna be there to help monitor that with you and take you through that as well and point things out. It's much easier to see things we all know this from a third-party perspective than where we're immersed in it, no matter what it is, because sometimes not sometimes, oftentimes we just get blinders just because we are the ones going through it.
Speaker 1:Number three help you create a parenting plan and this is so important to have a solid, airtight, solid parenting plan, and I alluded to it in number six in wanting to be a good parent. Part of this is setting yourself up for success. I talked about financially, but also with your parenting plan. If it is not a beneficial parenting plan, if it creates difficulties and more challenges for you whether that's in transitions or how you holiday or how you communicate with your soon-to-be ex or your ex having that parenting plan put together in an airtight, solid fashion is going to do wonders. Because you don't want to be going back to court, you don't want to have ambiguity in it, you do not want to leave things up for interpretation later, because that is an absolute nightmare. And so then you're asking a judge to clarify things and you got to go back or you got to go to mediation for it. I mean, it's just a nightmare and you will spend like I have a lot of money in doing that. So we'll definitely help you create a parenting plan.
Speaker 1:Number four advise you on how to minimize conflict, and again this goes back to that number five about anger and just in general having these emotions come up, or if you are in a situation where it's high conflict but you're working with somebody that's personality disordered and while that's not the majority of people out there, I know that it's a lot of you that are listening, because it seems like those of us that have to deal with people who are personality disordered are just desperate to find any kind of information to, especially through divorce. And then you know, being a dad through divorce and dealing with high conflict with a disordered personality is a whole level of different and a different component that goes on with with divorce. And then there's a whole, there's a whole part of needing to protect your children through this process. From that, that, if you've identified that, and being able to figure out strategies on how you go forward in communicating and parenting and it'll likely be parallel parenting instead of co-parenting. If you don't know what that is, a coach will help you to figure that out and and work through that. So that's number four.
Speaker 1:And finally, is the benefit of a divorce coach is to help you envision your post-divorce life, and I know that many of you listening right now just can't even fathom what post-divorce life looks like. But if you get on one of our group coaching calls or you get involved in the Divorced Advocate community, in the Divorced Advocate Brotherhood at the website. You're going to talk to guys that show up that are post-divorce now, some of them recently, but some of them years down the road, like myself and every single one of them will tell you yes, it was difficult, yes, I can appreciate how hard it is and what you're going through and the motions and everything else, but my life is so much better now. I did not ever think that it could be. I was so broken up, I was so broken open, I was so worried. It was just awful and chaotic and upsetting. But my life is better now and so that is something that a coach can help you do is envision that. That's part of that step.
Speaker 1:Number one is creating your vision and direction. Now we do that ongoing through. That's part of my five steps and the first one is is creating that vision and direction and that is ongoing and it's with multiple things and multiple steps. But once divorce is through and you're, you're working towards your life 2.0, I call it that you are then able to start envisioning your life post-divorce and hopefully, if I've helped you do a good job and your coaches your divorce coaches helped you do a good job and your divorce coaches helped you do a good job.
Speaker 1:You're creating that vision based upon a plan that you executed through your divorce to the best of your abilities and you're having a positive outcome with that, to the best extent you could, given the circumstances, because, again, we do not have all the control that we have the circumstances, because, again, we do not have all the control that we have over this. We only have one side of control or control of one side, and so then you're creating that vision for them, what you want going forward and what you want that life 2.0 to look like as a divorced dad and as a single dad, and it can be absolutely fulfilling and awesome. You can have awesome relationships with your children. You can have awesome romantic relationships. Again, businesses can thrive and there's often a ton of guys and I would say I would easily say the majority of guys who say my business is so much better, things are so much better. This is amazing. I had no idea how much better it can be.
Speaker 1:And so I just want to give you a little bit of that hope. We'll just leave it at that. Some hopeful words on you, particularly if you're just coming off Christmas yesterday, you're feeling down, but there is hope. Stay strong. You got through this holiday yesterday. We'll get through the next week of the new year and we'll start creating your vision and direction and working through your five steps.
Speaker 1:Get connected with the community at thedivorcedadvocatecom, check out the brotherhood, get in that membership, get into some group meetings and, hey, let's get connected and get some individual coaching. We got the laser coaching still going until the end of the year. That's a special offer and then we've got the more traditional coaching as well. And so just let's get connected. Let's talk for free the first time, find out what you've got going on and how I can help you or, if it's not me, find another coach, find another divorce coach there's lots of them out there now and start building your team and building your future. Thanks so much for listening this week. I appreciate, I appreciate you listening and have a happy new year and God bless To hear the rest of this episode and access the corresponding resources, visit thedivorcedadvocatecom and become a member of our community. It's free to join and we'll provide you with the resources you deserve as a divorced or divorcing dad. Thank you for listening, god bless, and I'll talk with you next week. Thanks for watching.
