The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads

259 - Why Asking for Help Is Your Greatest Strength

• Jude Sandvall • Season 5 • Episode 259

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Divorce can feel like a storm that rolls in fast—no forecast, no shelter, no time to prepare. One day, you're a husband, a full-time father, a provider with a plan. The next, you’re staring at an empty home, a fractured schedule with your kids, and a mountain of legal and emotional upheaval. It doesn’t just split assets—it splits your identity.

You may find yourself questioning your worth, your role, and your future. The routines that grounded you—picking up your kids from school, sitting at the dinner table, even just being part of a family unit—can vanish overnight. Finances take a hit. Friendships grow awkward. Even the strongest men can feel blindsided, powerless, and utterly alone.

If you’re a dad navigating this storm, I want you to know something crucial: you’re not weak for struggling, and you don’t have to weather it alone. This month—Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month—is the perfect time to drop the armor, silence the shame, and take a real, honest look at what you’re carrying inside.

Because you're not just fighting for yourself—you're fighting for your presence in your children's lives, for your future peace of mind, and for the version of you that’s still in there, waiting to rise.

Let’s talk. Let’s be honest. And most importantly—let’s help each other make it through.

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. I sincerely appreciate it. Today we are going to be talking about the month of June being the month of men's mental health awareness, but before we jump into that, let me welcome four new members to the Divorced Advocate community Mike, brian, rick and Brent. Welcome to the community. We appreciate you getting involved and, as we're going to talk about getting the help that you need and deserve, if you're not part of the Divorced Advocate community yet, check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom. Fellows. We got all kinds of resources for you, from free to paid to the app, to the divorce quiz, to all kinds of programs and stuff that can definitely help you through this process. So check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom and I hope to see and talk to you there.

Speaker 1:

All right, gentlemen, this month, june, is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month and, as you know, divorce can feel like a storm, a storm that's maybe rolling in fast for some of us, with no forecast, no shelter, no time to prepare, particularly if we're served. One day we are husbands and fathers and a provider with a plan, and the next we might be staring at an empty home or a different schedule with your kiddos, or a mountain of legal and emotional upheaval. It's just not something that is splitting assets. It's something that can split our identity, and so you might find yourself questioning your worth, your role, your future. The routines that grounded you, like picking up your kids from school, sitting at the dinner table and having dinner together, or even just being part of a family unit, can vanish overnight. Together, or even just being part of a family unit, can vanish overnight. Your finances take a hit, friendships can grow awkward. Even the strongest men can feel blindsided or powerless and utterly alone. And if you don't believe me on that one listen to our podcast episode with my friend, brian Peters, who is a former Mr Universe. Talk about his experience going through divorce. It can definitely bring the strongest of us to our knees, and if you're a dad navigating the storm, I want you to know something that's crucial you are not weak for struggling and you don't have to weather it alone. And since this month is men's mental health awareness month, I felt like this is the perfect time for us to talk about how we drop the armor, how we silence the shame and take a real honest look at what we're carrying inside during this time. So the thing is is we're not. We're not fighting just for ourselves. You're fighting for presence in your kiddos lives, your future, peace of mind and for the version of you that's still in there waiting to rise. So let's talk, let's be honest and, more importantly, let's help each other make it through this challenging time. I want to share first some statistics around this, and then we're going to talk a little bit about why the risks are so high for men, but particularly divorced or divorcing dads, and then we will wrap it up with things that you can do right now to help to mitigate some of this.

Speaker 1:

First, the statistics Men account for around 75 to 80% of all suicides. By and large, this is a catastrophic, colossal, difficult, challenging situation that should be an emergency in any uncertain terms that this is happening. However, we all know that that isn't happening, unfortunately, so we need to bring this to the forefront. 75% to 80% of all suicides are by men and, on a global scale, men are three to four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and male suicide is so prevalent. It's consistently among the top causes of death globally, and actually I've got some some more statistics here as well 600,000 men per year, 58,000 men per month, 14,000 men per week, 2000 men per day, 86 men per hour and two men per minute take their own life, and that is um. That is tragic. That is tragic. And so the challenging thing is it gets even more difficult as we're going through divorce, because divorced individuals are 2.4 times more likely to die by suicide than their married peers, and for men going through divorce or separation, that risk doubles compared to married men. But the most alarming statistic is that divorced men are approximately eight to nine times more likely to die by suicide than divorced women, and another study reports that 10 divorced men die by suicide every single day, a rate that is three times higher than divorced women. So these numbers are alarming, and so for me, unfortunately, it's not surprising. I speak on a regular basis with men and dads that are contemplating this and having some challenges. So, um, but uh, some of you might not notice, but some of this, some of you might be going through this and having these feelings, and I want to talk a little bit about some of the reasons why this has happened, why the risk is so high for divorce or divorcing dads.

Speaker 1:

There's several intertwining uh factors that amplify the danger. The first is probably the most prevalent, is the loss of identity. We as men, in our masculine nature, are driven by and wrap up a lot of our identity in our lives and in our families. So divorce doesn't just end a relationship. It can unravel who you thought you were. And so, for many of us, being a husband and an everyday present father wasn't or isn't just a role. It's a core part of our identity and who we are. So when those roles are stripped away, we might be left trying to answer questions we didn't expect to face, questions like who am I now? What do I have to offer, what's my purpose without my family, et cetera.

Speaker 1:

And the world often offers very little space for men to grieve this loss. There's not a ritual, and grief is really the part of this. That is one of the biggest things and one of the biggest things that we talk about when we get on our group calls or when I'm doing individual coaching. And because there's not a ritual or a roadmap or even just an empty space where your role used to live, that hollow feeling isn't weakness, it's grief and it deserves attention. And grief is not linear, grief is all over the place. So, having a way to work through that is incredibly important. We're going to talk about that in the next part, but just know that that loss of identity and all those feelings that come up with it is a symptom of grief that is going on.

Speaker 1:

So another factor is the forced separation. I don't know about you, but for me there's probably very few things that were more emotionally brutal than being separated from my kiddos and not being separated by choice, but by customary arrangements or legal limitations or the parenting plan. And for some dads this means going from seeing their kids every day to a handful of weekends per month, and that can be difficult and challenging, as some of you might be experiencing or know. Difficult and challenging, as some of you might be experiencing or know the silence and the loneliness, the routines that you built around your lives all vanish. You might wrestle with guilt, powerlessness and even the fear that you're being erased from their lives, and the pain is real and it cuts very, very deep. I know that this was probably, and still sometimes is, the most difficult time is separated from my kiddos, and so when the courts divide parenting time, they don't divide the love. You need to know that you're still a father in every sense of the word, and your role in their lives still matters profoundly, and we're going to talk about how to deal with this in a little bit. I'm going to go through some of these reasons why. These are the reasons why the risk factor is so high Loss of identity, forced separation.

Speaker 1:

Next one is financial strain. Divorce is expensive right, legal fees, court costs, child support, alimony. It can stack up quickly. And then we add in the challenge of the simple math equation of managing two households instead of one household, and this adds an immense amount of pressure, the financial pressure particularly. And so for us fathers that might be already carrying the weight of emotional loss, the added burden of the financial strain can be incredibly overwhelming. And here's the thing it's not just about money. It's what the financial strain might represent to each one of us, feeling like a failed provider or maybe fearing judgment or struggling to rebuild from scratch. Shame often hides behind these bank statements, but the truth is you're not alone. And financial recovery, while it might not seem possible now, it might seem so far away or difficult, I promise you that it is possible.

Speaker 1:

The next one is social isolation. Divorce doesn't just break up our families, it disrupts our friendships and our support systems too. Friends are going to pick sides. That is not a reflection on you. Your couple friendships will probably mostly vanish, and sometimes family members may distance themselves for whatever reason. And so for men who culturally are often discouraged from building emotionally intimate friendships, the isolation can feel especially stark. And I get this lots of times. All the time in our group meetings of my friends are gone, my friends won't return my call, et cetera, and many of the dads report that they don't have a single person that they can confide in, which is awful. And without someone to talk to, the internal pressure will build.

Speaker 1:

The loneliness isn't just a feeling, it's a health hazard, one that quietly erodes mental health or mental well-being if left unaddressed. And you might hear on the news lately lots of reports about loneliness and how people are feeling lonely in general. This is exacerbated for us dads going through divorce. And the last one is stigma and silence. From a young age I know I was we were told to quote, we're told to quote quote man up or suck it up or just handle it. The message has always been clear. I think at least we're maybe getting a little better about it.

Speaker 1:

But the message is pain, is weakness, and real men don't talk about their struggles. And these ideas are toxic. They're awful. They don't just silence men, they kill men, as demonstrated by the statistics that I mentioned earlier. And therapy, vulnerability or even simply asking for help can feel like a betrayal of manhood. But here's the truth Stoicism while there are many benefits to stoicism and studying stoicism stoicism in its extreme form isn't strength. It's is costing you your sanity, and I can attest to that because I was incredibly stoic for a very long time and it literally almost killed me. And there's nothing weak about saying I need help. In fact, it's probably one of the most courageous and manly things that you can do. So let's talk about that.

Speaker 1:

Then. What can you do If some of this stuff, one or more of these things is something that you recognize in yourself? What steps can you take right now, right away? The first is talk to someone who understands. There's no substitute for talking to someone who gets it, someone who's walked through the custody battles, felt the sting of missing holidays or sat in an empty house wondering what comes next. That's why we've created this Divorced Advocate Community. That's where we meet regularly. That's why we've got the group chats on the Signal. If you're not part of that yet, get connected with that. That's why we've got the message boards within the community as well. That's why we do some of the events online and in person as well.

Speaker 1:

Get connected with somebody. It can be a close friend. It can be a fellow dad. It can be a men's divorce support group. It can be an online community. Just don't go silent. Don't self-isolate.

Speaker 1:

Brian Peters, I mentioned just a little bit earlier, talks about this in his podcast one of the strongest men to ever live in the world self-isolated. It was just an awful thing. He talks about that openly, about that and about the loneliness that he experienced. So connection is a lifetime Talking isn't a sign of weakness. It's how healing begins. And just remember this you're not alone and you're not the only one feeling this way. Inevitably, on one of our group calls, a new guy might be there. He might be very emotional and as soon as one of us talks about and shares about how we've been there too curled up, maybe crying ourselves to sleep one night or waking up and not wanting to get out of bed, it's just a sigh of relief from so many of the newcomers in the group that feel like that they're the only one. So if you're feeling that way, I promise you you are not alone and you're not the only one that is feeling this way or has gone through it. So make sure to talk to somebody who understands. That's also why we've got the group meetings, we've got individual coaching, we've got stuff like that, or find somewhere by you that might be in person as well, but talk to somebody.

Speaker 1:

The next part of that, which kind of dovetails in, is don't wait to seek professional support. Mental health is just as real and just as important as your physical health. Physical health is pretty easy. It's one of the easier first things that we talk about doing in this process to take care of ourselves. But the mental health is just as important. So, just as you wouldn't ignore a broken bone, don't ignore a broken heart or a crushed spirit, a therapist can guide you through the emotional wreckage and can help you sort through things like we talked about with grief. There's five different ways, there's five different parts of grief, and so knowing what those five parts are and the therapist helping you. And so knowing what those five parts are and the therapist helping you to talk about what those are and then helping to deal maybe with the anger and the guilt and the fear or the confusion is going to help immensely.

Speaker 1:

And therapy doesn't mean that you're broken. It just means that you're smart enough to want to rebuild the right way. Right Like if something got destroyed in a natural disaster in or around your home or property. You would hire somebody or you would look to somebody to help guide you in that rebuilding process. It is the same thing for our broken hearts or our crushed spirits to look to somebody else, to find somebody else to help us, that has been through it, that has the expertise to guide us. So it's not a surrender, it is a strategy. If you can think of it that way, and if cost or stigma is something that holds you back, just know that many therapists offer sliding scales. And then there's just the advent now of virtual sessions that make some of this process much more accessible and much more private. So you can find it, and you can find it in a manner in which it can be comfortable for you but also affordable for you as well. The next one is build or revive your support system. These are your support system. These are your support system. These all kind of dovetail together right.

Speaker 1:

Divorce wipes out our social calendar. Like I mentioned before. Friends go away or pick sides, the couple, friends disappear. But now's the exact time to lean into new connections, so reach out to, or old connections too. So you can reach out to old connections, you can make new ones Again. Join a dad's group, a parenting class, maybe a church community, and rebuild your network. This is going to take one call at a time. It's going to take maybe one coffee or lunch meeting at a time, one real conversation at a time.

Speaker 1:

But relationships are the buffer against isolation, and even one solid connection can change everything, and I speak from experience. I had just one good friend through my process, but God, just the fact that I had one was just a godsend, because if it wasn't for him I would have had nobody, and so just having one can be just life changing. So don't underestimate how powerful it is to hear I've been there too, quote, unquote I've been there too. I distinctly remember and this has been more than one client, but I have one client that was very, very stuck in talking about his divorce, particularly to his boss, and sharing the challenges that were impacting his job and his performance, etc. And so after a period of time, we were able to get him to get up the courage to talk to his boss about this, and that was the first thing that he heard from his boss was oh man, I'm sorry. I've been there too, Made all kinds of accommodations and helped him to figure out how to get through this, and he was absolutely flabbergasted that there was so much support for him from his boss and the other one other people around him. So just don't underestimate how powerful that can be and how powerful it can be to start having those real conversations.

Speaker 1:

The next one is stay active and healthy. Like I mentioned, one of the easiest first steps is that physical way in which you can start to move your body and get your body going. Grief often hits the body as hard as it hits the heart, so things like your sleep get disrupted, your motivation might drop, eating habits go just totally awry, and then suddenly your overall health is totally slipping. So one of the simplest things, and most effective, is to get your physical body going again. Do a daily walk or a jog. It can be simple, 15 minutes a day. Even better, lift weights, which is tremendous for men. Do some yoga, ride your bike. Make sleep and hydration a priority. Get on a sleep schedule and make sure that you're getting that sleep and just cut out. Cut down at least, but if not, cut completely out alcohol, drugs, any kind of processed foods it's just going to interrupt and make the whole process more difficult.

Speaker 1:

And get into a routine. Build routines throughout this. Go back. We've got a. We've got an episode that talks about how to build these routines. Some people call them habits. They're not really habits. They're routines. A habit is something we just do subconsciously. So, like getting up and going to the gym is not a habit, because nobody wants to just get up and go to the gym. Like you, just reach for your toothbrush that's been in the same place for years. Right, that's a habit reaching for that toothbrush that's just been in the same place for forever and ever. So you got to consciously and intentionally create these routines. So we've got a whole episode on that. Go back and listen to it and what happens is the movement resets your mind. You're not trying to become a superhero here or become Brian, right, mr Universe, you just want to get healthier, because it's going to create a clearer version of you. So make sure to stay active and healthy.

Speaker 1:

The next one is create a parenting plan that keeps your bond alive. Your role as a father doesn't end because of a court order, no matter what a court may have said or no matter what kind of parenting time they have decided upon for you. It just shifts. So make sure to fight for your consistency with your kids, no matter what that is. So prioritize quality time over quantity. Find small ways to stay connected when you're not physically present. That can be text messages, video calls, shared playlists if the kids are older and they do something like Spotify or bedtime stories over Zoom.

Speaker 1:

I was working with a client this week on parenting plans and talking about parenting plans and working with him to put together and refine his parenting plan, and one of the things we talked about was doing that having that every day and, especially when the kiddos are younger, having that everyday interaction with them so that they still know and they still know that dad is around and they still are having that everyday interaction that we want to have with them. We never became dads to just be dads 50% of the time, right? So working that into a parenting plan and fighting for that consistency when you do have it in there is incredibly important, because every moment counts, even just the small ones. You might not recognize that now I can tell you that it's absolutely true, and the consistent touches remind your children you're still dad, you're reliable, you're loving and you're always going to be right there when they need you. So the parenting plan is more than just logistics it's going to be a lifeline for you and your kiddos, all right.

Speaker 1:

The last one is know the warning signs and acts right. So know what you're feeling. And if you're feeling numb, if you're feeling hopeless, if you're not just angry but unusually angry, like off the rails angry or disconnected, or like your kids in the world would be quote unquote better off without you, just stop. If you get those feelings, stop. They aren't just thoughts, they're red flags. So don't ignore them. Pay attention to them.

Speaker 1:

I think you may know, and if you don't, that nationwide here in the United States, 988 is the suicide and crisis lifeline. Call it and talk to somebody, reach out to a trusted friend, contact a mental health professional or go to an emergency room. I'm going to give you my phone number right here, right now, and I've had guys take me up on this, but if you're thinking this call me it doesn't matter what time of day it is, or send me a text, I will respond. I don't know if I can respond immediately. I will respond as quickly as I can humanly possibly respond, but that number is 720-255-1021. Again, 720-255-1021. That's my Google number. It goes directly to my cell phone. I have this on me all the time Do not ever hesitate to call. You are not broken by having these feelings. You're not broken by having to reach out and call me or call somebody or text somebody. You're not alone. You're somebody's father and your presence matters more than you can possibly know. So just know this, guys you're not alone.

Speaker 1:

Asking for help is courage. It's not a weakness. Too many men are taught this, like I mentioned earlier, that strength means silence. That quote unquote. Handling it means handling it alone. Silence that quote unquote. Handling it means handling it alone. That the pain should not be buried and not be spoken. That's a narrative that's wrong and it's a narrative that has been hurting men for generations. So I think we're getting better at this, but if you're like me, this was a hard one to still grasp. The truth is asking for help isn't weakness, it's wisdom. It takes more guts to open up than to shut down. And for us dads navigating divorce, your courage is not just for you, it's for your kids and it's for your future and for a life beyond this chapter. You might not be able to see the forest for the trees yet, but I promise you there is a life 2.0.

Speaker 1:

Therapy doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to feel like sitting in a circle spilling your emotions or, especially if that's not your style, right, and that's not our masculine style. Modern therapy has come a long way around this. Now I would just caution to say that find a therapist and find a modality that is comfortable for you, but some of the modern therapeutic practices are more action-oriented, more problem-solving and include more accountability, and so these are things that more align with us as men and our masculine nature, and so it's not about quote unquote, getting fixed. It's about having a skilled partner in your corner to help you rebuild. Like the example I used earlier. If you were going to rebuild a home or structure or something from a natural disaster, you're going to find and seek out somebody that has the skill and knowledge and expertise to either to help you in doing that. It is the same thing A therapist can be that. It can be a coach, it can be a guide. They can be a sounding board. It's someone who helps you reconnect with your strength and they help you to do it on your own terms.

Speaker 1:

So if you're a divorced or divorcing dad that is listening, just know you're not broken, you are not alone and you're not done. That's the last part I want you to know. You are not done. You're still a father and that role still carries infinite value, as you've heard me say. Just about every single podcast that I record is. Your value is so immeasurable in your kiddo's life, even in this difficult, challenging time, even if it feels like a mess, even if you're in tremendous amount of pain.

Speaker 1:

So your kiddos need you and they don't need you just on birthdays or just on weekends. They need your presence and they need your peace of mind. They need your resilience, they need you as a dad and they will be learning by watching you. So if they see their dad asking for help and speaking honestly and doing the hard work to heal, they'll learn what real strength looks like. So we talk about it all the time, especially when we're in group meetings, about modeling. This is your opportunity now. This is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. You can be modeling what real strength looks for them. So we can shift this story and this mindset. We can normalize the words. I need help and we can do it by booking that therapy session or joining that support group or getting involved in the Divorced Advocate community, texting a friend, calling that number that I gave you earlier, or saying the hard things out loud.

Speaker 1:

When you're talking to somebody, you're not alone in this. You're part of a brotherhood of men and fathers who are doing the brave work of becoming whole again. You don't have to be unbreakable to be strong. You just have to be willing to begin. So your future self and your kids will thank you for showing up. Gentlemen, I hope that you found value in this today. I do want to reiterate if you are struggling now, if you have these thoughts of suicide or you're making plans, call 988, which is the US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or one of your local emergency services. You're not fighting this alone. Reach out today. My number again is 720-255-1021. Gentlemen, have a great week, take care of yourselves, take care of each other and God bless.

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Jude Sandvall: The Divorced Dadvocate

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