The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads is a weekly podcast designed specifically for fathers navigating divorce. It addresses the unique challenges men face and offers practical guidance, emotional support, and real-life insights to help dads survive — and ultimately thrive — during and after divorce.
Each episode combines honest conversation, personal stories, and action-oriented advice to help listeners rebuild confidence, create healthy co-parenting strategies, manage finances, navigate court complexities, and heal emotionally. Since launching in 2020, the show has become a trusted resource and supportive community for divorced and divorcing dads.
*Become a community member and access full episodes and additional MEMBERS ONLY content: https://thedivorceddadvocate.com/membership-tiers/*
DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this podcast is to inform, not influence. It is not a substitute for professional care or advice by a qualified professional. The host, as well as guests who speak on this podcast, express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions, and The Divorced Dadvocate podcast & website neither endorses nor opposes any particular views discussed here.
The Divorced Dadvocate: Divorce Support For Dads
274 - A Dad's Guide to Post-Divorce Romance
Navigating the dating world after divorce presents unique challenges for dads. The landscape has shifted dramatically in recent years, making it essential to approach dating with intentionality and authentic confidence. In a revealing conversation between Jude and dating coach Dallas Bluth, several crucial insights emerged that can help divorced dads find meaningful connections.
Join our Signal Channel: https://shorturl.at/8yqTb
Join The Divorce Dadvocate Membership Community - FULL Episodes - Live Meetings – FREE Workshops & Courses – Private Discussion Groups & MORE! - https://thedivorceddadvocate.com/membership-tiers/
How Are You Adjusting To Your Divorce? Find out in this quiz - http://www.thedivorceddadvocate.com/divorce-quiz.html
*FREE Dads Guide To Divorce* How to survive and thrive during and after divorce: http://www.dadsguidetodivorce.com
Don't suffer in silence! Get relief from the pain and confusion of your divorce and schedule your FREE, No Obligation Coaching Consultation - schedule a time directly into my schedule at www.TalkWithJude.com.
Join other divorced dads who have experienced or are experiencing divorce in this FREE Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
Other Resources:
The Divorced Dadvocate Website - http://www.TheDivorcedDadvocate.com
The Divorced Dadvocate YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeSwx-F8KK4&list=PLT4HyN5ishYJznK51205ESxGZ2d19YkBp
The Divorced Dadvocate Podcast - https://thedivorceddadvocate.buzzsprout.com/
Divorced Dads Online Meetup Group - https://www.meetup.com/Divorced-Dads-Meetup-Group/
The Divorced Dadvocate Facebook Group - https://www.facebook.com/thedivorceddadvocate/
Are you a divorced or divorcing dad feeling overwhelmed or struggling to find your footing in this new chapter? You’re not alone. The journey through divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences a man faces but it doesn't have to define your future.
The "Thriving Father" Transformation Program is an exclusive 6-week journey designed for dads ready to do the deep work and sculpt a powerful, positive future. Learn more and register here: DadsGroupCoaching.com
Hello and welcome to the show. Thanks for tuning in this week. I sincerely appreciate it. I've got a great topic today. We're going to talk a little bit about some dating, not a little bit? A lot about dating.
Speaker 1:Today I've got an extra special guest, but before we jump into that, I wanted to welcome our new members to the Divorced Advocate community. Those are Craig and Alex. Welcome to the community. If you are not part of the Divorced Advocate community, those are Craig and Alex. Welcome to the community.
Speaker 1:If you are not part of the Divorced Advocate community yet, check it out at thedivorcedadvocatecom. We've got all kinds of resources for you wherever you're at in your divorce. We have coming up in October October 29th group coaching. So if you've been thinking about and playing around with getting some coaching, this is a fantastic six-week opportunity to get involved as well as get with some other guys that are going through this challenging time as well. It's going to be a really transformative experience. So check that out. It's on the website as well. All right, my guest today is a dating and relationship coach for men and the founder of Black Box Dating. He specializes in helping men build genuine confidence, foster deeper connections and improve intimacy in their relationships. His coaching focuses on enhancing communication and understanding the dynamics of attraction in the modern dating world. Please welcome Dallas Bluth. Dallas, how are you doing? Doing great Jude. Thanks for having me on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my friend, thanks for making what I do sound so much more eloquent than I do. That was very well stated.
Speaker 1:Dude, come on now. You are the coolest because, like know, you watch the movie hitch and and I think we've we've talked before and and I watched the that that movie recently, the the materialist, and I'm like man, like everybody needs dallas. He's just, he's so cool and he knows so much and and even in the brief time that that that we've we've known each other and when we get to chat I just always walk away going like, yeah, man, he's got some really, really great tips and really, really great feedbacks. I wish I could almost take him on all of my dates all the time, which maybe I don't know, maybe that's a service that you provide, but that's a good segue into telling us a little bit about yourself and Black Box Dating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is a service that has been requested. However, I have definitely checked with women and they said hell no, there's no way that we are letting your dating coach come on the date with you.
Speaker 2:That type of field work just isn't an option. Yeah, so, like you said, yeah, I'm a dating and relationship coach. I work specifically with men and what I like to say in a nutshell is I help men build real confidence, find deeper connections and have really hot sex, because ultimately those are the elements that for most men that they want to be feeling, and it's really in that order they want to feel like they have real, genuine confidence. A lot of times the confidence that we have, you know, for picking it up off of social media or off of just, you know, some gist of other men in the workplace, it's sort of this bravado, it's some kind of mirage of masculinity and we're not really sure what goes into it.
Speaker 2:And the men that I work with, they come in looking for help in dating, looking for help in communication with women, but ultimately, what it really comes down to is them connecting with themselves to find real, genuine confidence, and that confidence then leads to better connections, and connections have a lot to do with vulnerability. They have a lot to do with you having the confidence to lead and put yourself out there, first extending invitations and then accepting what women in the world want to do with those invitations that we put out there, and that's that invitation to connect. And when, as men, we have that confidence and that connection, like hot sex just comes our way, it is part of it. And having a connection and a vulnerability and being able to state clearly what it is that we want, without making apology, that leads to all kinds of exciting elements in the bedroom and outside the bedroom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I appreciate that about you and you have such good feedback all the time. I'm curious if there was a moment or a personal realization in your life that led you to say, oh man, I really need to do this. You know, guys need help, or I need help, or whatever it might've been.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was definitely an I need help moment and I wish it could. I wish it was just a short realization, but really it's more like a a crash and burn moment. You know, been out. I was in my late thirties. I'd been dating, you know, women and and I consider myself lucky, you know I've I've had a fair amount of success in finding dates, you know, online and offline, but still not finding the connection and the feelings inside of me that I wanted.
Speaker 2:And I, looking at all the resources out there online books, men's groups, just all the different resources I didn't find what I was looking for. So I actually took a rather unconventional approach and that was I took women out of the picture and I asked myself what are the traits of masculinity that I've experienced and that I've enjoyed as a straight man, with other men? So, taking women out completely, we're not trying to get their attention. This isn't about how do you approach a woman, what do you say to her. This isn't about how good the sex is. This isn't about any kinds of mind games and who's texting who, how much. All of that's removed and I simply looked back at my life and I took an accounting of all the moments that I had really enjoyed genuine masculinity from other men, and I made a list and that list looked rather different than all of the different sources out there social media, books, speakers, men's groups. It looked rather different than what I'd been told and I consolidated that list, boiled it down and then I started sharing it with people, and women in particular. I shared it with them and they said, well, yeah, of course, this is exactly what we've been talking about. I'm like well, that's not what you said. You know you're using words like confidence and you know assertiveness, but this is something quite different. And I started to explain it and they said well, actually, yeah, that's very good.
Speaker 2:And that was where I learned one of my first lessons, which is women intuitively know what they're looking for, but they don't explicitly know how to state it. And that's one of the big you know triples that we get, and I'm sure every man listening to this is like, well, duh, women know what they want when they see it, but they're not able to tell us what they're looking for. So, anyways, I was able to articulate these items and women. I saw that they really lit up when I was sharing with them and really I shared it with some men and they're interested and not, which makes sense, because we as men have fairly established egos. We like to feel like we're confident, we know what we're doing and we don't really want some other dude coming along telling us how to be more connected and have hot sex. You know, it's like that's not really what they're looking for. The women, however, said Dallas I have not heard anybody else saying what you're saying and I really really wish men knew this. So yeah, let's talk about.
Speaker 1:Can we talk about that for a quick second? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I think that you've said that kind of twice now, but masculinity is taught and learned from other masculine men, and so that is something and that's probably a whole podcast episode that we could get into and talk about. But you just described what you did, which is step away from the feminine and the women, right. All this stuff, all this stuff and and I bring that up just to to say to the dads that so you might be going through a difficult, challenging time right now because of the, the ending of your marriage, and you might be thinking about, like, what did, what did I do wrong? What could I do better, et cetera.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes we don't know what. We don't know because we didn't learn. We might feel Because, just like anything, there's a spectrum of it and you got to learn how to work and the only way you do that, and so if you didn't have like I didn't have a father figure, I had a father, obviously, but I didn't have a father that really taught me about this stuff and I didn't really have anybody else in my life that was teaching me about this stuff. So I didn't know, and so I think that's a really, really important point to make to the dads.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and most of us don't Even you know. I grew up in a very stable family, you know, and my father passed on you know certain traits, certain things that he knew, but there was a whole lot more that I had to learn out in the world. And when we look back historically, you know, at indigenous cultures, at tribal communities where sons and fathers were much more interconnected, what we noticed is very prevalent is it's not one older man teaching one younger man how to step into manhood and develop his masculinity. It is a council of elder men. There's a group of older men, because some guys are going to be more physical than others, and that's one aspect of masculinity. Some men are going to be more honest than others. That's another element of masculinity. Some men are going to be more charismatic than others and when it comes to the tribal dance, they're going to have no problem. You know dancing with all the girls in the tribe and you know making a check.
Speaker 2:That's a different element of masculinity and you know, I not even ideally, but, but I think the innate drive in most men is to develop their masculinity in a way that it feeds them and that it nourishes them and that they have a source of life-giving, strength, confidence and a form of masculine beauty that they can live and bask in themselves. That inspires other people and inspires other men and inspires other women and ultimately it leads to far more romantic opportunities in the marketplace than you would have otherwise. But really learning how to enjoy it ourselves, that's the primary goal. Because when we're on fire as a man and that is a term that I use rather often is being on fire. Masculinity feels like you have a life force that is burning inside of you. Sometimes it's super hot and raging, sometimes it's more mild and smoldering, but it but there is a fire that's, and there is a warmth and a light and and a transformation of one's life that that fire is always causing to happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and, and so I think kind of what you're describing is mindset right and oftentimes, what? What happens when, when you get a divorce, there's a massive blow to to your confidence as well as your, your identity? Where do you, when you're working with men or dads, where do you start off when helping them to rebuild that sense of self?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the first place. This is going to sound not very masculine, but the first thing I do is I listen. Every man that I work with is coming there because he has pain points, he's frustrated, he's angry, he feels powerless, he feels gypped, he feels like he should be getting certain things in life because he did all these steps and for some reason, he's not getting his dues. Men feel not seen, they feel invisible, they feel not valued. There's a whole list of very basic feelings and experiences that a lot of men in society are facing, and when I'm first working with a client, I need to let him express those elements and relate to them, because I felt pretty much the whole spectrum myself. It doesn't really matter what your dating history is. We've all felt these different moments at different times, and one of the challenges that men have is that we're very disjointed. There are men's groups out there and that provides a certain amount of social cohesion and support and feeling seen and understood by other men. So limited Are we still recording?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think we're still going. We've got just some Cool.
Speaker 2:And it is limited. Sorry the video went out on me. I got just some Cool and it is limited. It's sorry, the video went out on me.
Speaker 1:I hope it's. Yeah, video went out, but I can still hear you and still recording.
Speaker 2:So All right, then we will keep on going. Keep it going, my friend. Where was I before the video cut out?
Speaker 1:We were talking about the. Yeah, we were just talking about where you start with a guy that's rebuilding his sense of self-worth after ending of a long-term relationship, or his marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah and so yeah. So when a man comes to me and he has these different pain points in place, we follow that thread of pain down to a positive point of something that he does want. A lot of times, the pain is expressed as things that we don't want, or things that are unfair, or the way that women are behaving, or things that are just not right about society and what they are is. They're focused on the negative elements, they're focused on the obstacles, they're focused on the things that are creating the pain, and all of those are legit and all of those are real. However, when we continue to focus on the things that are creating the pain, that's like being on a racetrack and focusing on the wall that you're trying not to run your race car into. I've never been on a racetrack, but I've heard some pretty vivid stories that you need to focus on where you want that car to go, not on where you don't want that car to go, and so it is.
Speaker 2:Actually a lot of the work is listening to where the pain points are and then helping the man articulate positively, in positive terms, the experience that he does want to be having with a woman, because as long as those frustrations and those angers and that bitterness are buried under the surface. It doesn't matter what he says on the date, it doesn't matter what words are coming out of his mouth. Women are highly intuitive and they will sense that underneath that there is a lot of anger and frustration that is bottled up, and no woman is attracted to a frustration that is bottled up and no woman is attracted to a man that is waiting to explode. They're just not so. Most of the work really comes down to helping the man regain the positive thread, the thread of what he does want, and learning how to accept the fact that it's an imperfect alignment at the moment, but to work towards and embrace the picture that he really wants to have going forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And again, I appreciate how you're able to dive deeper. There's so much out there, such a echo chamber of of bad dating advice out there right now, kind of with this whole, some of these manosphere stuff and some of that, that other stuff, that that, that that the young kids are are hearing these days. My daughters come home and tell me, you know, repeat all these stupid TikTok sayings and stuff like that, and I just shake my head around it when they're talking about it and then you see the little boys that they're I have teenage daughters right so you see the other little boys that are walking around and how they're acting and I just feel like we have, even in this difficult and challenging experience that we have during divorce, a real opportunity to show our kids a healthy way to get through, not only to get through that but then to have a healthy romantic relationship after that, because it can be done. And just because you failed one time doesn't mean that you can't have a healthy relationship a second time around. So on that note, let's talk a little bit about the modern dating landscape for divorced dads. My audience is full of them. Maybe not yet. Some of them are and some of them are listening or at least thinking about it, but they're reentering the dating world after 10, 15, maybe 20 years, and it's I know.
Speaker 1:When I started 13 years ago, when I got a divorce, it was completely unrecognizable to me. I had a friend who said, well, he had, he had been divorced years earlier and online dating had just really started to blow. He's like, oh, you got to do this. And I'm like, what the hell is this? So what do you? What do you think is the single? And so, for me, I was like, oh man, I don't know about this. It was just like crazy. What do you think is the single biggest change or challenge to men dating in their 30s, 40s or 50s today compared to when they were before?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So if we're comparing it to, say, 10 or 15 years ago, the biggest change really is a combination of the presence of social media in people's lives and it's omnipresent and the online dating scene, dating apps those two elements combined have really changed the dating scene, and not for the better for the most part, the dating scene and not for the better for the most part. So the social media aspect a lot of things that men don't understand is men and women are drawn to different platforms online. For the most part, women are drawn to social media Facebook, Instagram, TikTok far more than men are. For the most part, it is more enticing.
Speaker 2:Teenage women, adolescent women, young girls are much more susceptible to becoming addicted to and being influenced by social media than young men are. On the flip side, young men are far more susceptible to video games and pornography, Two elements that women are not nearly as susceptible to. That reveals certain elements of what men and women are after. If you look at the video games, young men are looking to feel like they've accomplished something, like they've built something, like they have a sense of power these avatars that you get at the beginning of the game and then you go through the terrain and you're upping yourself. This is a parallel for what young men should be doing in their real lives, which is powering up their own selves, their own identity. But it's more fun and easy to do it inside of a video game. Pornography it's sort of self-explanatory. Men do like sex. It's a very basic driving force for us and unfortunately, finding sex online is an easy substitute for going through all the work we have to do to find it in real life. Very similar to the video game scenario.
Speaker 2:On women's side, it's a little more complicated. Women are looking for social connection, they're looking for validation. They're looking for well, it's hard to even really say it's so complicated, but the social media seems to provide it, and one of the things that I've heard thrown out there that I personally think there's some truth to is that you know, women used to get dressed up, make themselves look presentable, go out to a bar or a club or you know anything out in social life to get the validation that they are attractive. Well, they've got social media for that. Now they don't even have to dress up the lower half of their body in order for them to take a cute selfie, post it online and get hundreds of likes and create this thirst trap that all these guys are drooling all over them. That that is not even talking about the dating apps. This is a fundamental shift in how much people are getting their basic social and personal developmental needs met, or seemingly met, without going out into public yeah, that's what I was just going to point out.
Speaker 1:Is the, the fact that we've, we've, we've now discounted or almost, or almost, completely obliterated that personal connection, that personal connection that that we, that we need to have, right like so that so, while they're doing this, they're not actually fulfilling the need that they, they want. That's why it's so shallow and that's why there's there's still the, there's still so many lonely people out there, because that just that that only takes it to a certain level, right, so, so, so, so it's. It's unfortunate. Let's let's talk about the apps, because there's a ton of frustration around those. With many guys, it seems like everything is like the only place you can meet somebody now is on the apps. If you're approaching and talking to a woman and in real life at the grocery store, you almost get a look of like why the hell are you talking to me and why are you a creeper or whatever else it might be? What would you say is one of the most common mistakes that men make with the dating apps and their dating profiles?
Speaker 2:Well, let's see the most common mistakes that guys make with the dating apps. I would probably be seeing it only from their point of view. So the experience that men and women have on the dating apps is very, very different. So I believe the most recent statistic I heard is that for every one message that a man receives, the average woman receives 18 messages. So from a man's point of view, we're sitting there. Well, why aren't you messaging me back? Well, you've got one message and she has 18. There's one other dude next to you that sent her one message. She now has 36. That starts to add up really, really fast and she starts to feel very overwhelmed in the situation.
Speaker 2:We need to understand that our experience is completely valid and legit and it sucks. On dating apps, women's experience is very, very different valid, legit and also sucks, but in a whole different kind of way. And that is one of the most important skills you can have when you're dating as a man is to realize that women have their own set of challenges that look nothing like yours. You need to pull your head out of your own ass and realize that there is a bigger world out there than your own personal frustrations. The man that can do that is buying for himself a whole lot more runway, a whole lot more patience, a whole lot more acceptance and understanding, and that comes through as relaxation and acceptance, and women are absolutely drawn to that. They warm up to it, they open up to it and they want to be in the presence of a man that's like that.
Speaker 2:So the mistake that men make is you go on the dating app and you think you know, hot damn, here are all these women. I just start swiping and they're going to message me and I'm going to have all these amazing dates. Yeah, you're going to get disappointed because most of them are haven't been on there in three to six months. Usually that's just the algorithm, you know, doing its magic on you and you will. And you will also have a set of expectations because it gives you this illusion of sexual abundance, of romantic abundance, and it's an illusion, yeah, and pretty much everybody's experience online is that they get drained energetically over time and it doesn't even take that long. So your best defense against that is to realize that it's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Treat it with a certain amount of distance If you can give yourself a limited allowance of how often you're on it, how much time you're on it, how many women you reach out to. That takes a lot of self-control and, again, that's the last thing we want to be doing when we're seeing opportunities for meeting women. Just realize there's a technology chaperone in between the two of you and that chaperone doesn't have your best interests or her best interests at heart. That virtual technical chaperone is interested in both of you spending as much time and potentially money on the app as possible and that chaperone is a gateway that is regulating and limiting the exchange. We don't really know when we send a message, when that message comes through on the other side. We don't know what percentage comes through. We don't know what the timing is. There are all kinds of unknowns. We have the illusion of it being an open, transparent medium and channel of communication. The truth is we don't know that there's a business making money in between the two of us that's actually deciding how that plays out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so yeah, basically you're saying it's an inefficient, ineffective way to do it. That seems like it is better than it is. I don't know if you've ever read the book Dataclysm written by the founder of OKCupid, but it's a fascinating read. At least the first half of the book is fascinating. The second half of the book sucks because he just complains about the state of the country, etc. But the first half of the book is all of the data that they have garnered from people posting their profiles on OkCupid and then surveys that they've sent out to people and trying to understand how to make their user experience better, and so the data is really, really fascinating. But one of the things that they talk about in the book is that it takes something like a hundred plus I think it was like 127 messages to get one reply from a woman. And so when you think of of that that you've got to send, you've got to send hundreds of messages. And then so if you extrapolate that even further, if you've got a 10% conversion rate on those 10 replies to getting a date, you're literally sending you know, five, six, 700 messages to somebody, and that's only if you're good at sending messages and or you're really incredibly good looking and they want to respond to you right away. So it's really an interesting it's just a really interesting world that it is.
Speaker 1:Now I want to interject what I see as the common mistake that divorced dads make on this and let me ask you your feedback on it that that they use this as their only form of dating. Right, like it's just, they're just on the apps, they're just hoping to get through the apps. What you described, which is they don't. They have a false mindset because they don't understand what we just described about the, the, the women getting a bunch of messages, that it takes 120 messages to get a response, that you've got to have the ability to have a conversation. If you're not good at doing that over text, which lots of people aren't, then that falls by the wayside and then they get disappointed and dejected and then say screw it, and then that's just a bad experience period. So what I have found is it is a good opportunity to incorporate that into your dating, but you need to do other things to cultivate your dating life than just the apps. Would you agree with that? What's your feedback on that?
Speaker 2:I 100% agree.
Speaker 2:Leaning completely on the dating apps is it is shaping your mind and your neuropathways into seeing romance in one particular and very limited way.
Speaker 2:One of the things about the dating apps and about texting actually in general is a woman is only experiencing one or maybe two facets of your personality, of what it's like to be in your presence. And the reason I haven't used the dating apps in probably about a year and a half now myself personally and the simple reason is I was tired of having my. I was tired of being flattened out and put side by side with men that offered way less than I did in real life, and I hated being nerfed in that sense to use a video game term that my, you know, the powers, the power ups were you know, were shrunk down into a miniature version of what they are in real life. In real life, it's a lot more difficult to approach women. It's a lot more difficult to open up social interactions. I'm not saying that it's not possible. It's very possible and you can actually get far better returns off of that than you can online.
Speaker 2:For sure, but one of the best parts about focusing your romantic and dating efforts on different types of in-person interactions is that the woman cannot ignore the totality of the experience that you're bringing to her presence your body language, your pacing, your physical presence, the tone of your voice, the fact that you are reaching out in a more bold way than somebody just shooting hey, you're cute on a dating app. It puts you in a whole different league and that woman is experiencing a much more rich snapshot of you in real life than she is on the dating apps. On the dating apps, I don't remember. I've heard Dataclysm, which was fascinating to read. I did read probably about half of it.
Speaker 1:Okay, that was the only part that was worth it. So, anyway, there we go yeah.
Speaker 2:One of the things that was fascinating about that was, you know, men tend to swipe right, which is saying yes to a woman way, way more often, and women swipe no like crazy when you, when you come to real life, there does seem to be that tendency where, more you know, men are tend to be more open to dating and casual encounters than women are. There's still that element, but it's taken to an extreme place when you are in an online dating environment. Also, for the dads out there that are going to the speed dating events, it's very, very easy in a speed dating event for women to also quote-unquote swipe left on you because there's no consequence. Also, in those environments, actually asking a woman out again, you've been cut off at the knees and you're not able to walk with your full stride of confidence and masculinity. That's part of what turns a woman on.
Speaker 2:When I am motivated enough by my attraction for a woman in person to ask her out, that does something to a woman. I've asked women about this. I actually collaborate with a female dating coach, emerald Sinclair, here in Denver, and I asked her that question in one of our meetings behind the scenes and she said you know, I didn't even realize it until you just said it that when a man actually musters up the courage to ask me out, I'm much more likely to say yes in person, because I know how much that takes of him. She can feel it instinctively. The casual online dating scene strips both sides of the butterflies and the nervousness that's actually part of the kindling that gets the romantic fire going.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about logistics and transparency. Let's get away from the. We could talk about the apps for all day and and I just I want to. I guess my point with talking about the apps a little bit with with the guys because, like, like my buddy was like oh, you gotta, you gotta get on, you gotta do this. And, granted, it was 10 or 12 years ago when it really was starting to take off.
Speaker 2:Now it was more fun it was.
Speaker 1:It was way, way different back then than it is now. It's definitely challenging. I feel like there's a lot of positives and maybe we'll do a podcast episode on this of the logistics of how to do it and what benefits it can bring, because there's benefits to it that are beyond actually just getting a date. It's learning how to escalate, how to ask somebody out, how to be able to communicate a little more effectively, how to play. There's all kinds of different things that can go into it that are positives for you if you've got the right mindset, which is the mindset not of I'm going to meet somebody to get laid Right. So so maybe we'll talk about that.
Speaker 1:But I just wanted to point that out, because I get this from guys all the time Like well, I set up a profile and this sucks, and not at all. Can you look at my profile and it's like all right, no, we got like way more steps that we can do than just figuring out your pictures on your, on your profile called Dallas, right, anyway. So, anyway, so that that was my point in talking about it with with guys. But let's talk a little bit now about about logistics and transparency, because, because that's a, that's an important thing. We're now in a different kind of a different situation where we've got kids. When do you bring up and talk about kids and when or how do you talk about your ex or your divorce? When you're on a date or when you're with a woman?
Speaker 2:So I think it's important to be transparent and honest about things, and I think the easiest thing would be to ask yourself when do I want to know that this person I'm going on a date with has kids Early you know?
Speaker 1:probably even before you know I'm on the date.
Speaker 2:I would want to know. Yeah, you have, you know, just let you know, I have a couple of kids. You know I'm divorced but I have a couple of kids. Okay, and and, and that enough tells me, okay, okay, some semblance of what I'm getting involved with. I know, sometimes I've been on a date and I'm surprised to find out oh, she has two kids. Well, at what point, you know, was this supposed to come? I'm glad it came up on the first date, you know.
Speaker 2:As far as talking about the divorce, so that to me is when we go on a date, we're there to put our best foot forward and to enjoy each other's company and to not unload where we're coming from on the other person. And a divorce is one of the most traumatizing events that people can go through emotionally and psychologically in their lives. And I don't think that that's. Telling someone that we've gone through it is one thing, diving into the details of it is a whole other business. And I think we want to wait to the point where we've vetted with each other that, okay, there's some ongoing interest, there's some ongoing attraction, there's some connection. You know probably even not that you have to be necessarily exclusive, but we can see that this might be going somewhere.
Speaker 2:There's some traction to it and I mean, if I would imagine if somebody asked me, well, what happened in your divorce? You can say, you know, I'm open to talking about that. But really, let's save that for a time when you know we're a little, you know we're a little more connected. You know that. I would put that in the same category of like well, tell me about your relationship with your mother, you know, or something, and you didn't have the best relationship with your mother. You'd say you know, I'm totally open to sharing that. But let's save that, you know, for for when we're a little closer together and because it's it's all about your, your stepping into a relationship with someone.
Speaker 2:You don't want to be diving into it, you don't want to be cannonballing into it, you want to be stepping into it gradually. And I think there's certain things, like logistically, if they said this and you can say, well, yeah, I have two kids, I have them 50% of the time, I have them 100% of the time. These are logistical questions. This gives people a certain framework. But these are logistical questions. This gives people a certain framework. But I think, for the most part, save that until you found someone that you feel you have a connection growing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if I can just add, don't start complaining about your ex and your divorce off the bat.
Speaker 2:Did I not?
Speaker 1:mention that. Sorry, did I tip over that part? Yeah, Maybe you haven't experienced this as much as I have, or I've heard about and I don't know. I don't know and maybe you have some insight If women do this more than the men do this. But that to me is you know, we hate I think we both don't like the term red flags, right, Because there's always a deeper something behind what somebody's behavior is about, right?
Speaker 1:But that will typically give me pause, if you will. And so if you're doing that too, I think your line is great, which is, hey, I'm completely open with this stuff and I love to chat about it, but there'll be a time and place for us to do that when we're a little more connected. I think that's a great way and that builds a little intrigue too. Dallas, right, it helps her to see that you're not defensive number one, You're open number two, but you're going to kind of set the pace and the tone for this when you feel comfortable and when you've helped to develop the relationship to the point where you want to do that. So I think that's really, really good advice for the guys.
Speaker 2:And the other thing to keep in mind also is you know, when you have children, when you are divorced, there's there's stuff going on. There's drama, you know, sometimes healthy, a lot of times not that that's involved with that there's. There's a there's a mess there, you know, of some sorts that has to be dealt with. And the woman that you're on a date with is asking herself how much mess am I going to be dealing with with this guy? How much do I have to deal with drama with his ex? How much responsibility is potentially being imposed on me with his children? All of this is going through the woman's mind consciously, but probably even more than consciously, subconsciously.
Speaker 2:And when you say you know what you know, I'd love to share that with you, but let's wait until you know, let's wait for a little while before I share that. What you're actually demonstrating is that you're considerate of her experience and that you are protecting her from some of those elements. You're not hiding it, you're not. You're not you're not treating her like she can't handle it, but you're also saying you know what. You don't need to worry about that mess right now. That's not really an issue and if this continues forward, I'm more than happy to share with you all of it, and you know what? It would be wonderful to be able to share this with someone, but that's not your job right now. Your job is to go out with me, have a good time and enjoy dating and see whether or not we're going to go that far together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and sometimes I've found that using humor also in those situations works good, because typically, if I've found that a woman that might be asking one of those questions very early on in the first or second date kind of has this like list of questions that she's just rattling off and I might be like, oh, time out. I like I need to take a break here. It's like I'm like in a deposition here. So you know, like a joke or something around the fact that she's really bringing up some and some pretty significant, you know, deep, vulnerable questions that are important, no doubt, but have their time and their place. Sometimes I try to offset that with a little bit of humor.
Speaker 2:One of the words just to throw in a little tidbit, one of the words that women really like is the word saving it, and they'll usually talk about it in sexual terms Well, can we save that? Or let's make it wait, make it a slow burn. They'll use terms like that. Well, if they're, okay, that's good, I like that. And it's treating it and framing it as something that's precious to you and, honestly, that will probably, in a lot of ways, really cause her to take more sensitivity to the fact that, hey, maybe I am grilling this guy a little bit and I should actually be treating him with more sensitivity.
Speaker 1:Okay, Well, so some of what we're talking about here is really being intentional about how you're going about your dating process right, and I hear you use the word intentionality intentional, intentional dating often in our conversations. That means and also share a little bit with the dads why that's critical when you're a dad dating and you have a limited amount of time, energy, emotional bandwidth etc.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when you're intentional with your dating, what you're really creating for yourself is clarity. And when you have a relationship with somebody, when you're having a discussion with someone, it gets messy and back and forth and murky and it's hard to remember where we even started. A lot of the time when you're in a conversation, women, a lot of times, particularly when they're feeling very feminine they're in a very fluid state and their sense of what they want and what they're feeling and what they're ready for it can change and evolve quite quickly. And the more we bring clarity on our side to the interaction, the more that women typically is going to be drawn to us. Now let me make a couple of caveats.
Speaker 2:Clarity does not mean rigidity. It doesn't mean being stiff and fixed in what you want. You have an idea of what looks good to you, what feels good to you, to what you're really after, to what's important to you. That's intentionality. However, anybody that set a goal in life and says I really want to get here, and then you get there and you realize that goal in essence is what you were shooting for, but the way that it actually shows up actually looks quite different. The car is a different color, it's a different city than you thought. I thought I was going to have one kid and I have three. I thought I was going to have one kid and I have three. But at the essence of it you still have that car, that home, that family that you were looking for. But you're letting it take the form that life actually delivers. And if you're really skillful about it, you'll see that unknown arrival of what you're looking for as a gift, of a surprise.
Speaker 2:And you don't know. You know you know you like this in bed, but with this woman, the way it actually comes out and the way it actually presents itself, you don't actually know what that's going to be. And it can be absolutely amazing when you have the clarity of what you're looking for. For example, I was in a marriage with no sex and, god damn it, I'm a sexual man and I am never going to be in a relationship that doesn't have that again. That would be intentional. That would be clarity on my end Now what that good sex looks like. If I'm overly prescriptive and dominant and controlling about what that picture is going to look like in the end, that's not going to work well. But if I know it's important to me and then I allow an amazing sexual connection to present itself in whatever way comes out the most naturally between me and this woman, then you get the best of both worlds.
Speaker 1:I feel I went off a topic a little bit what you said on intentionality, no, no, I think, no, no, no, I think that's that's perfect. Another way that I kind of describe it, to use a shooting term, is, uh, taking aim. Right, you, you need to, you need to be taking aim, you need to to have a direction. You you might not be hitting that target exactly how you envisioned it, but then that that's where you're able to to, to, like you said, be, be flexible and change course a little bit, change, change your aim a little bit. It's my, you'll make adjustments as you go, and then that's where it you know, we, we get.
Speaker 1:And this is kind of this is kind of a societal thing, with the whole goal making, where we, we set these goals and we're fixated on what it is we want or where we're going or whatever it might be.
Speaker 1:And then I'm sure you've experienced this, all of us have experienced it Then you get there and it's like you're like, oh, that's it, it's, it's just not, not, not that exciting, or it's now just let down. What do I do now? Whatever. And so I'm an old guy now, I've been around enough times to learn that it's more about that journey, right, what you described as taking aim for what you want, having clarity around that, communicating that clarity and then enjoying the path that you're taking to get there. It's never going to be exactly as you envision, but by doing that, and especially for a divorced dad you're able to mitigate all kinds of different things and pitfalls if you're able to do that, because we do have a limited amount of time and energy and resources and emotional bandwidth and stuff. So you really really need to do that and be intentional about dating.
Speaker 2:Let me just tack on one other thing about being intentional. Let me just tack on one other thing about being intentional. I'm sure everybody's been in the situation where there's a group of people we're trying to figure out where we want to go to eat and nobody will make a decision. Yeah right, women are not attracted to men that are just waiting for them to pick the proverbial restaurant that we're going to go to eat at. They love it when a guy has intentionality, when he has an opinion followed by flexibility. If you're coming to a dating situation asking her to have that clarity, if you're asking for her to define what it is that this should look like and you're looking to be accommodating, you're not bringing to the table one of the sexiest masculine traits, which is having a vision for where you want to go and inviting someone to come and join you with it. That is a huge element of being intentional in your life. You're inviting someone else to join in it without them having to to create it from their own imagination.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, well, well and perfectly said and, and you, you know, we, we always go down these and we haven't even gone really down a rabbit hole on this today, but we get into this masculinity, fatherhood on really down a rabbit hole on this today, but we get into this masculinity, fatherhood, relationship stuff, and we can talk, we can, you and I can talk forever and ever, and so I think it'd be good to to chat a little bit now about why and it's for me, it's the reason why we decided to collaborate on a on a bigger platform together. Do you want to share a little bit about what we're working on together and really the big reason why you're here today and you're chatting about dad's dating after divorce?
Speaker 2:Well, I think the fact that you said today was going to be a 30-minute episode and we just rounded 50 minutes kind of says it. It's that this topic is so important, I know and brought it to the surface for you know, for us, for men and women to really enjoy that we decided to, you know, to open up our own show with it. So Dad's Dating After Divorce that is, the Jude Sandvall and Dallas Bluth podcast, that where we dive into all of these different aspects of dating life and we we tried to put the slant on it that really speaks to what single dads are going through, specific challenges that they're facing, full transparency. I don't have children myself and I have never been married, so there is a certain amount of you teaching me, jude, about what I don't know, about what they're going through. But I think there's also a certain element of optimism and hope and vitality that I'm bringing to the table that hopefully rekindles a certain freshness around dating and a romantic life that men should absolutely be experiencing post-divorce.
Speaker 1:Absolutely be experiencing post-divorce, yeah, so, on that note, I feel like what you're able to bring is that very, very focused and it have studied it, have exemplified it. There's very few people Dallas that I've talked to in my lifetime that have such a keen awareness around it but not only just a keen awareness around it, as the audience has heard today the ability to really put it into words. Where one goes, where one goes, oh yeah, that makes sense, it's almost an aha and like I, like. I mentioned in the beginning of the podcast and this was no joke Every time we talk, I walk away going oh yeah, Like and and and.
Speaker 1:So while I do, I do have the perspective, which I think is why we this show I'm so excited about and the sister podcast I'm so excited about doing what I'm able to bring, like the perspective of all the logistics around divorce and post-divorce and co-parent and dating, which is which is great. You bring that really focused aspect of the masculinity and the relationship and how to do that and together and for the handful of episodes we've ever done, it just works miraculously as far as I'm concerned in our conversations and that's why, yeah, we're at like 50 minutes already today. Every time we talk we say, man, like okay, we got to stop now, but we'll be back again next week. And you and I just recorded the dating after divorce. Yesterday we talked for an hour and had to cut it off.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, so I'm incredibly excited about this. You just have an innate ability that I really feel. When you talked in the beginning about why you started this, I look at you and I say this is what he's meant to do and I think the things that he's going to bring to men and to the dads and why I'm so excited to the dads and our audience is going to be life changing. So I appreciate what you do and I appreciate your willingness to collaborate on this, because it's been on my heart really for years and it was never right until we connected.
Speaker 2:Well, jude, thank you. I don't know that I've ever had such a generous amount of praise. That really is awesome to hear. I appreciate it. I love the chemistry that we have together. Again, we sort of feed off each other and the energy in the show is wonderful. And this might actually be a good time to mention that we're actually going to open up, once a month, an open Q&A with the single dads there. I don't have my calendar in front of me. Do you have yours? Can you throw out that?
Speaker 1:information. So we're going to do a Q&A once a month for an hour just for you to come, get on, spend some time with Dallas, and I talk about what questions you might have, about thinking about dating. Maybe you're just thinking about it, or maybe you're just diving into, just trying to get some female companionship, or maybe you're ready to find that romantic partner, and so we really just want to give an opportunity for you to ask some of the questions that might be specific and detailed, but, man, like I said, there's nobody better than Dallas to be able to answer those for you. We're going to start our first one on October 23rd. We're going to start our first one on October 23rd, and so you'll be able to find that. We'll have it listed up at thedivorcedadvocatecom under the events page. You can also find it at our meetup. We'll also going to be mentioned. I'll mention it on. We'll be mentioning it on the Dad's Dating After Divorce podcast.
Speaker 1:So if you're looking for that, gentlemen, go to any one of the major podcast platforms Spotify, apple, iheart, like anywhere. Youtube. You can find the show there, so check it out. It's already so. This show has been doing tremendous for many, many years. The new one is already doing way better than this one has, even after just a month. So we're pretty excited about what this brings and how this is going to help the dads out there and moving forward and finding another healthy relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that Q&A session we're doing. That is one of the free offerings right From the dadvocate.
Speaker 1:Yep, absolutely. It's going to be 100% free and it'll be on zoom. We'll just have that link for you. We'll jump on and just spend a little bit of time together. We will be recording those. For those of you that are in the divorce dadvocate membership community the the replays will be under the membership podcast for you there. But yeah, so check that out. Dad's Dating After Divorce. And then Dallas. Where can the dads listening get connected with you at Blackbox Dating?
Speaker 2:Yeah, blackboxdatingcom, that's the home base for all things. That's where you can find out about the coaching program that I offer. We do a Monday mastery series that has to do with internal work, wednesday night office hours. There's a motivational talk that I do on a different topic every week and guys show up with their message threads that they have on the dating app certain situation that they're running into. I mean, we dive into it. We even do some live events and I've grabbed guys' phones and sent messages for them. I don't hit send, but I write it and I wait and they're like, all right, let's do it. And then suddenly they have a date on Saturday when they've been dawdling for literally a month. You know and not sure how to do it.
Speaker 2:There we also include currently under construction, is the Black Box Academy, a 24-7 multiple course online university for you to take all the different pieces of wisdom that I've collected over the years and distilled down into courses on how to have great dates with women, how to be confident around women, how to get naked and have sex with women all the different elements. And there's also a wingman community, both online and offline forum and community where guys can find other men to go out with in person to bounce ideas off of, because unfortunately I'm not always available and that sense of community has given a lot of the men that I work with a huge boost in confidence because they don't feel like they're going at it alone and I think we all know the value of having yeah, awesome, awesome.
Speaker 1:So, dads, definitely check it out. There's nobody better than than Dallas out there that that can help you out with this and if, as always, if you found some value in what we shared with you today, please, please, give us a star rating, give us a comment on whatever platform you're listening on or, even better, if you can, if you can give us, if you can share this far and wide on other social media platforms, anywhere that you are, that just promotes us getting the word out to more and other dads. So, dallas, thanks so much. I appreciate it, my friend. It's always such a pleasure.
Speaker 2:Thank you, jude, really appreciate you having me on.
