276 - What To Do Immediately After Being Served Divorce Papers

We walk through the first days after being served divorce papers and lay out a clear plan to protect your kids, your money, and your peace of mind. The focus stays on calm action, smart strategy, and building the right team for the long game.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Community Resources
• 3:38 The Gut Punch And First 24 Hours
• 6:28 Read Every Line And Track Deadlines
• 10:12 Learn Your State Statutes
• 11:52 Build A Divorce Team, Not Just Lawyers
• 16:38 Safeguard Your Bond With Your Kids
• 19:03 Get Your Financial House In Order
• 22:03 Don’t Move Out Without Orders
• 24:03 Calm Communication & Documentation
• 26:38 Get Off Social Media
• 27:58 Prioritize Mental, Physical, Spiritual Health
• 30:13 Plan For The Long Game
• 35:27 Final Principles & Listener CTA

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:02

Hello and welcome to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. We are going to be talking about what to do immediately after being served divorce papers. Lots of times, guys get surprised by this, even if there may have been challenges, and it can be a time where lots of mistakes get made. So we're going to talk about that. But before we jump in, let me welcome Malcolm, James, and Scott to the Divorced Advocate community. If you are not yet apart and you've listened to more than one of these episodes, you have got to get involved in the community. Check out thedivorcedavicate.com. We have resources wherever you're at in your divorce, whether you're contemplating, whether you're in the middle of it or whether you're post-divorce, all those are important time frames. We have resources for you. And wherever you're at financially, we have free all the way through paid support and coaching. So check it out at thedivorcedadvocate.com. We've got new stuff coming on online. We've got new trusted allies coming on. We've got so much stuff. We've got group coaching. We got QA's. We had a great one this last week on alienation as well. So check out the events page as well at the at the website, too. That's at the divorced advocate.com. Check it out. Okay. What to do immediately after being served divorce papers? So this can feel like a gut punch, like I said, whether or not you saw it coming or not. Seeing the your name on paper and just then contemplating the fact that your marriage will be ending, it can be a shock. And in that moment, lots of emotions and fears and like fear and anger and confusion can take over, which is not good, right? Because you get into that basically the fight or flight mode. So you want to be able to stop. So and what you're going to do in these next few days, few weeks is going to really, really shape your future, your future with your kiddos and your relationship with your kiddos. It's going to shape your finances, and it's going to have a significant impact on what happens post-divorce. So we're going to just break down step by step what you should do right away after being served. And then we're, and then I'm just going to give you some real world examples and some advice and strategy around how to how to do things. The first thing you want to do if you're served papers is just stop. You're going to be, like I, like I just said, you're going to be overwhelmed with emotions, particularly if this wasn't discussed with you, or if if this just happens out of the blue and you did not know. The first thing you need to understand is the fact that your soon-to-be ex has been thinking about and or planning this for months, if not years. So this immediate reaction that you're going to have to this, that these overwhelming emotions, you are already behind the eight ball. And you're behind the eight ball because she's already thought through this, she's already dealt with these emotions and some of this stuff that's coming up. So the last thing you want to do is have some sort of emotional reaction to this immediately. So even if you're angry, even if you're sad or upset, just stop and focus on what those feelings are, what those emotions are. Get those under control. I would really say just take 24 hours before you do anything. Now I know that might be a little bit challenging and a little bit difficult in uh in your situation, particularly if you're still cohabitating together, if you have dad duties that you need to take care of or family obligations together, but do whatever you can do to just stop. Don't don't worry about the papers. You can look at them. We're going to talk next about making sure to read through everything, but uh just take those 24 hours. Look, 24 hours is not going to matter. This is going to be, uh we're going to talk about the long game. This is going to be a long road that you're going to that you're going to be going on. So waiting 24 hours and stopping, not having an emotional reaction, not doing anything, not discussing it, etc., with with your wife is going to be the best thing to do. And and 100% don't get into any arguments or problems or or confrontations or anything around this because you're just not, again, you are not at the same place in this whole process that she may be in. So the first thing you need to do is you need to stop. You just need to take a deep breath, and you need to give yourself 24 hours just to start processing all this stuff that's going to be coming up. Okay, the next step, line number two, is make sure to read all of the parts of the of the paper, every line of what you are what you are served. Because there's going to be the the petition or a complaint for divorce. There's going to be a summons. There's going to be temporary, there might be temporary orders or emotion or motions. So just make sure to read through that, look and see, try to understand what your your spouse is requesting. The summons is going to tell you how long you have to uh to respond. If there are any motions or temporary orders or anything involved in that, there it's going to talk about the custody and the support property, it's et cetera. So just this is where then you need to start getting ready to document everything. Okay. So you're going to have to start making some preparations, writing deadlines on your calendar, set reminders, just kind of go through this and get a good feel for this, okay? Because then once you're served, what happens is there is a there is a clock ticking. There's certain timelines that you need to get through this. And this is one of the things I see a lot of times is is is you're going through this emotional process. It might be a shock to you, and then you're going to go through the grieving process. The grieving process includes denial. Guys are in denial, or they want to bargain about it with their with their wife, and they put stuff off like what they need to do in order to deal with this in the time frame in which they have to do it. And then they get really behind the eight-ball, where they're already behind the eight-ball, they get even further behind the eight-ball, and they don't start getting everything in order. So you need to, you need to, once you get through those emotions and give yourself 24 hours, you need to read everything that you're served, and you need to understand what it is that is being requested. You need to know the time frames and the timelines so that you get up to speed on this. I'll add to this one of the things we talk about, I talk about in individual coaching, but also in our group calls, is then you need to really start to get up to speed on understanding the statutes in your state. You don't need to become a junior attorney, but you need to be able to talk to your attorney intelligently about the process. This is something that I didn't do. This is something that guys don't do all the time, which is get yourself up to speed really on the statutes, on the process. Do not just trust your attorney for helping you through this. They are the ones that will help you through this, but you need to be driving this yourself. And you hear us talk about this. If you have been on any of our calls at any time, you are the one that is leading this process. So even if you are the one that is served, you are going to have to take control of your part of this process and move it in the direction that you need and want it to go. So read the line of papers, start getting your stuff in a pile and get yourself educated and up to speed on what's going on. That was number two. Number three is do not run out and hire an attorney immediately. That is what we're taught to do. That is because the system is created by attorneys and it is adjudicated by attorneys, and attorneys control the whole system. Do not go out and just hire an attorney right away. There is so much more that you need to do. Now, I'm I'm assuming if, and the assumption of this episode is that if you are being served papers and you are surprised by this, that is not probably amicable, or at least there's at the at the very least, there's a breakdown in communications or respect or both, in being able to uh to move this process uh along in an amicable way. But that doesn't mean that you can't move it along in an amicable way. So there are other ways in which you can you can facilitate this to together, even if you are served. There's many circumstances. See, here's the thing is we just don't know what necessarily we might think, but we don't always know. And we definitely going through this process, don't necessarily know what is going on and what the thought process is with your soon-to-be ex. So what you can only do and what you can only control is what you are yeah, what what you're thinking and what you're doing. So on this note, by not hiring an attorney first thing, what you do need to start doing is put your divorce team together. So you need to, you need to, you need to put your team together. You that includes, and if you are going to hire somebody first, I would say a divorce coach. It's absolutely critical. You're gonna create your divorce team with your attorney and your therapist and your financial planner, your your certified divorce real estate agent, your certified divorce real estate lender, uh mortgage lender, and your uh certified divorce uh financial analyst. Like you need all of those people on your team. Yes, an attorney is going to be an important person, like your quarterback, but it the they don't run the entire program because there are so many different things that need to go into this and considerations you need to make in this process. So, what a divorce coach will help you to do is to create that plan, strategize your actions, figure out what you need to be doing, all this stuff, not only just logistically, but also mentally and emotionally. So if there is someone person you're gonna talk to first, I would say talk to a divorce coach. Any divorce coach, I've never heard any of the guys in the community, whether they've worked with me or another divorce coach, ever say, hey, that was not worthwhile. At least sitting down and talking and get some clarity around what it is I uh I need to do. And then you're gonna start putting that team together and and interviewing and talking to them, just like you would for any uh big project, home project or building or anything you're gonna do, you're gonna be putting your divorce team together. Again, you've got some time frame, you've got a little bit of time. Typically, it's a few weeks to uh to a month to respond to that to that initial being served. So you've got a little bit of time, not a lot of time, so you can't bury your head, but you can take that 24 hours, get your emotions in check, read over everything, take a few days, and then start working on putting your team together in order then to create uh an action plan. So that's number three. Do not go out and hire an attorney immediately. There are other there are other options that that you can that you can take, like hiring a divorce coach, but also there might be other options that maybe you guys would do a collaborative divorce or you might be able to work that process. So that's it. That's all I'll say about that. Just do not go do what everybody does, which is go grab grab an attorney right away. Number four, protect your relationship with your kids. So again, we're working off the assumption that perhaps this is not there's a breakdown of communication at the least, at the worst, that it's going to be high conflict and that that there's going to be some significant challenges and a long road to hoe. The first thing you need to do is you you need to have some communication with your kiddos and let them know that you love them and that that's never going to change and that this is not their fault. So if that hopefully, hopefully that communication can come from the two of you together with them, but if not, as their father, make sure to make that clear to them and have that conversation with them so that they know because they're going gonna go through their whole own process through this that that is going to be difficult and challenging for them as well. And in that vein of protecting your relationship with your kids, so you need to continue to keep being present. Yeah, and and I'm sure if you're listening to this, you are a present father. Now, you might need to make some alterations to protect that relationship. You need to continue to be following school routines or being involved in school and their activities. If you haven't been, you need to start to be. Now that might mean making some adjustments because if you've had a splitting of duties, which is oftentimes the the way that a family dynamic works, then you're gonna need to start getting more involved, learning your teachers, your kids' teachers' names, going to doctor's appointments, staying consistent with all of this stuff. Because what the court is gonna pay attention to is your role as a parent and what that looks like right now. Not now there are some considerations, particularly if you're the the breadwinner and the the the your wife has been a stay-at-home and taking care of most of those things, but you need to make those changes uh immediately uh in order to stay present, to be involved. And frankly, the sooner that you do this, the better, because eventually you're going to be doing this on your own as a single father with children. So lots of guys avoid this, lots of guys get worried about it, which is understandable if it's not a role that you've been playing. But the sooner that you jump into this, the sooner you embrace it, the better it's gonna be for you in the courties, but also for you post-divorce because this is gonna be your life, whether or not you like it or not, post-divorce. So that's number four. Protect your relationship with your kids. Number five is get your financial house in order. Oftentimes you might not have great documentation of everything. You're going to have to disclose everything. And this is gonna the divorce is is going to do that, and then you're gonna have to divide your finances. So you're gonna need to have a clear picture of what's going on. So if you don't, if you're not the one in your household that is in in charge of that, or if you've been only passively involved in that, you're gonna have to start gathering pay stubs and get tax returns and bank statements and retirement accounts and mortgage documents and credit card bills, and then there will be a whole financial disclosure that you will get from your attorney. But again, the sooner that you get on top of this, and the sooner you start gathering this stuff, you can make lists of all your assets and your debts, and then if if and and then you can look at from holistically what it is that is in the in the filing that you are served with compared to what you've got. This is often oftentimes, like almost all of the time, one of the things where couples are like in disagreement about because there's it and it's usually because one or the other party has simply not a realistic picture of existing finances and or not a realistic expectation of what is going to happen post-divorce and what that's and and and what life is going to be like in your in your living circumstances are going to look like post-divorce. So once once that reality sets in is really then oftentimes where there is a lot of a lot of conflict and difficulty and challenges because one of the parties is coming to the realization that, oh geez, this isn't what I expected or what I anticipated. Oftentimes, guys know going in. It's just a simple math equation. One household into two means that there's going to be more bills and it's going to be a further strain on your finances, especially if you have one income and your lifestyle is going to be different and is going to change. So make sure that you get everything together, get all your financial information all together in one place, so that there are no questions. It can be done amicably. It's supposed to be set up so that it's amicable. It's not always. And usually when there's a severe circumstance where it's not, it's because one or the other party has not been able to demonstrate effectively really the situation of the finances. So don't get yourself in that situation. Do not ignore it. Get on top of it right away. That's number five. Get your financial house in order. Number six is do not move out. Okay. Lots of times dads will make this mistake in order to just quote unquote keep the peace. Now that might be fair, it might be demanded of you, but that is not a great way to go about it unless there's going to be super huge conflict and that there's going to be essentially problems with in the future because there will be allegations or false allegations or criminal charges or fights and stuff like that that are going to lead to those things. So don't move out. Talk to your coach, talk to your attorney first. You want to make sure that you've got everything in order, separation agreement, or temporary orders in order before you do this, because you want to have a structure and it this also impacts the kids. So if you just willy-nilly move out or it's being demanded of you, don't do it because you want to try to do this in a in a in a in a logical, as smooth as possible process. And also then you will you won't you lose access to lots of things. You lose access potentially to the financial records that you're going to need, but you also lose access to your kiddos, especially if somebody is going to want to start the process of alienation or withholding or some other nefarious things that they might be doing where you're not around and don't have the ability to mitigate some of that. So until you've got everything in order, there's a clear and defined plan of what things are going to look like, at least in the short term, with the separation agreement for some temporary orders. Do not move out unless it is an emergency situation and you know that this is just going to blow up and lead to something worse. So avoid moving out too soon. That is number six. Number seven is keep communications calm and document everything. So there's the the BIF method that you're going to implement from here on out from here on out. And you need to keep in mind that everything from here on out is something that can be used in court, whether for you or against you. So everything, the BIF method is make it brief, informative, friendly, and always friendly and I'll remember a second. I want to say factual usually, but that's the inform in informative one. But oh brief, brief, informative, friendly, and I can't remember, sorry. But so the the point being is is that it's it's going to just keep those exchanges where it's factual and polite. You want you don't want uh long emotional uh conversations, definitely no threats, no insults, because this again is you know you need to be figuring out a way through this process that's going to be most effective and best for your family. That's not gonna help. It might be the feelings that are coming up again. You're gonna have to do some work on those feelings and figuring out how to mitigate those. Now, documenting everything also through this because the process because, like I said, everything at the from here on out is is potentially something that is gonna be brought up in court that can be used for or against you. So you need to have your documentation in place. You need to start documenting everything. So all of these communications, and I suggest communicating in writing in email, or start using something like Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard that helps you to just put those put those communications in in writing so that you can keep track of them because there's going to be so many moving parts between the finances, between the parenting time, between having to deal with attorneys and your regular life of work and children and everything else, and then all of your emotions. So make sure you create some sort of system so that you can document everything and you can keep those communications calm and calm and respectful. So that's number seven. Keep communications calm and document everything. Number eight is don't post about your divorce online. Now, I just threw this in here. I didn't think I should put that I should have to put this in here. And I'm sure if you're listening to this and you're trying to figure out a good way to get through this, this probably doesn't apply to you, but I'm going to say it anyway, because this has become a big, a big thing in court where attorneys uh and judges will look at this this stuff, particularly opposing counsels will look at this stuff and scour through divorces. Don't don't live your your life and your divorce on on social media. So just avoid it. If and if if you can, get completely off it. There's nothing in this time frame, whatever nine months to a year or even or longer if if you've got high conflict that you're going to miss on social media. And and the only thing it can possibly do is make things worse for you. And that's even looking at your your soon-to-be exes or your friends or anything. It's just none of it's going to help. So do not post on social media. If you can, just get the heck off of it for the time being. You can always resume back after things has settled down. I didn't think I was going to say that, but I'm just going to say it because I see it happening once uh once in a while. You know, cut out the social media. The next one, number nine, is incredibly important. Uh, and it is prioritizing your your health, your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual help. So this is always ranked as one of the most stressful things that people go through in life. So that's going to be challenging. And you're going to have to be able to stay level-headed to get through this, to be present for your kiddos, to be able to keep everything going at the same time and figure this out. So make sure that if you are not in some sort of therapy or counseling, that you have some sort of support group that you're involved in, make sure that you're you're getting enough exercise. If you have not been exercising, start an exercise routine. Make that it can be as simple as walks. Do you just want to get that in a good place spiritually as well? Whatever that practice might be for you. For some, it might be going back to church. For some, it might be finding some spiritual practice. For some, it might be in nature. Whatever that spiritual practice is that helps you connect with something bigger and greater than the situation that you're in, get involved with it and find something that you can do regularly. And that's the key with prioritizing your health. So it's the you hear us talk about it all the time, it's the you got to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can put it on somebody else. So you're not going to be able to be present with your kiddos. You're not going to be able to make really good decisions for your life post-divorce if you don't have your mental life in good shape and you're not taking care of it and prioritizing it, your emotional health if you're not doing that, your physical health, if you're not taking care of that, your spiritual health. So some of this stuff, some of this stuff, you're going to have to, you'll have to start doing something, whereas you may have let that fall by the wayside. So this is the time to do it and start. If you have to, you can start small, just start small and work your way up, but do something to prioritize your mental health, mental emotional, not your just your mental health, but your health in general, your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Those are the four legs, if you will, on a stool or the four pillars we talk about in the community all the time: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Make sure that you are prioritizing those. And I'll just say lots of times, us dads, especially if we're maybe the givers all the time or we're codependent or empathetic or whatever it might be, we're not used to prioritizing ourselves. Start now. You're going to have to do it. And you don't want to keep continue that that relational dynamic. And when I say relational dynamic, this is a relation with yourself that you've had in the past that has led potentially to why you're in a divorce now. So you're going to want to start making those changes as soon as possible. So if you have not prioritized your health in those four areas until now, or you've fallen off, get back to doing it. So that's number nine. Prioritize your health. And 10 is our final one is you're planning for the long game. You're planning for the worst and you're hoping for the best. These first days and weeks are going to be really about stabilizing yourself. Stabilizing yourself mentally and emotionally, and then creating a strategy for what it is that you want custody to look like, your finances to look like, and what you want your life to look like after divorce. When I start working with guys, that's when we start really looking at creating a vision, creating what you want as a parenting plan and what your work's going to look like and your schedule, your kids, what your budget's going to be looking like, roadmap for co-parenting, how you're going to split the your assets, et cetera. So this is then what's going to happen. Oftentimes I'll tell guys, you're going to really need to think about this as a part-time job that you have while you're working, because there is so much that goes into it. And when I talk about this, I mean so much like taking care of your mental health. You need to be prioritizing all this stuff. So you need to be thinking about this all the time, not just the divorce. You need to think about how I'm taking care of myself so that I can be taking care of those things. And you're going to be going to be answering your attorney's questions. You're going to be getting financial disclosures together. You're going to be writing emails. You're going to be creating co-parenting plans. You're going to be doing all that while you're still working and maybe having some sort of social life as well, hopefully. So, so make sure that your mindset is in the in that this is going to be a long game. So don't worry about what might happen or maybe some setbacks. That might happen in the beginning, or one part of it. There's there's if it is high conflict, hopefully it's not. It's a series of maybe a little some small battles that you're going to be going through, but really you're focused on the long-term outcome. And that long-term outcome, and this was the biggest mistake that I made, that long-term outcome makes the has the biggest impact on what your life is going to look like post-divorce. So if you get yourself worn down and worn out and you cannot get to the to the end, then you're going to set yourself up for failure post-divorce. So you've got to be playing for the long game and you've got to be thinking in that context. So that's and that's why it's really critical to start prioritizing your health because you can't do that if you're not mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually sound, the four stools of the leg. One of those gets off, it gets wobbly. Two of them gets off, it falls over, right? So make sure that you're focusing on that and that you're thinking about this for the long run. And the long run isn't just to get through the divorce. See, this is the this is the challenge that I have with attorneys all the time, is their focus is, well, we're just going to get it, if we just get them divorced, it's it's it's good, right? How you get divorced and what you're how you're set up post-divorce is what's going to have an even greater impact on yourself, but also your children for maybe a couple of decades, depending on how long your kiddos are. So just don't try to get through this. You want to make sure that you're getting this, you're playing the long game for decades, because the whole goal of our of us being parents is helping our children to grow up to be healthy, functioning adults. And I know you won't be able to maybe grasp this, get your mind around this, but we can be modeling for our kiddos through this. One of the most stressful things, like I said, that that most people go through is divorce. We can be modeling for them a way to do that in a positive manner and with resiliency. So you can do that, and that's the long game, right? So that's the real, real long game is we want to be able to model the best possible way for our kiddos so that helps them to learn so that when they go through something difficult and challenging and stressful in their life, they're gonna they're gonna think back to wow, I saw my dad go through this, and my dad did just this amazing job. And so I know that I can get through this too. All right. The last word is this is the being served is potentially a shock. It's gonna be difficult and challenging, but it doesn't define you. This is just a start of a new phase, and you can you can you can navigate this with strength and with strategy. And I found that the the dads who come out okay aren't necessarily aren't necessarily the ones that that fight the hardest, although I'll say that you need to be you need to potentially standing up for what it is that that your kiddos need and for the environment you need post-divorce. So there is some fight in that. But but you're not the the dads that come out positively on this aren't the ones that are just fight, fight, fighting, but they're the ones that stay the calmest, get the most informed, and the ones that uh act smart and strategically from day one. So that's it. Stay calm, get informed, and be smart and strategic from day one. Okay, I hope that you found some value in what we talked about today in what to do when you are being after being served divorce papers. If you did, please share this far and wide on social media. Stop, give us a star rating wherever you're listening to this, even better, give us a comment that uh will help other dads be drawn to listening to some of our episodes. Thank you so much. Have a terrific week and God bless.