310 - Put Down The Cheetos And Pick Up A Journal

Divorce can turn a normal day into a pressure cooker: custody schedules, money stress, a house that goes quiet overnight, and one text from your ex that flips your mood in seconds. We sit down with Tyler McAdams, known online as Inspiring Father, a single dad of four and a high-level coach who built the HERO Method after walking straight through the same trenches. He doesn’t sugarcoat it, and he doesn’t preach. He talks like a dad who has lived it.

We unpack the most common trap he sees in men: not a dramatic breakdown, but a slow drift. Drift shows up as lost identity, skipped workouts, zero routines, emotional reactivity, and reaching for quick relief like alcohol, TV, or a rebound relationship. Tyler connects that to what your kids actually need now: steady leadership, consistent presence, and a father who can regulate his nervous system when conflict spikes. We also dig into stress as a signal that something is off, why motivation fades fast, and how structure creates real change.

Tyler lays out practical routines you can establish immediately: journaling that exposes patterns, daily movement that clears the mind, intentional time with your kids, and spiritual grounding that pulls you out of a constricted fear state. We finish with the HERO framework: Heal with clarity, Establish a new foundation, Rebuild identity through love and boundaries, Regulate your reactions, and Own your part with accountability. If you’re trying to be a great dad while navigating divorce, this is a roadmap worth hearing.

Being unprepared is how great fathers become weekend visitors. Most ground is lost quietly through "drift" and decisions made under pressure. Stop the drift today at TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.

Access your tactical tools:

• Risk Assessment: Identify your "quiet loss" exposure in 10 minutes.
• Protection Session: Book a private triage to ensure mistakes don’t become permanent.

Your kids are counting on you.

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Work Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hello, and welcome to this week's show and briefing. I'm incredibly excited to uh have our guest on today to help us navigate the psychological and emotional survival of this divorce process. Um, I have with me today Tyler McAdams. Uh, many of you know him as the inspiring father. He is a single dad of four. You got me beat by one there. Uh he's a high-level coach and the creator of the Hero Method, H-E-R-O. Uh, he has walked through the exact same trenches you are in right now, dads, divorce, custody battles, the financial squeeze, and that suffocating silence when the kids leave and the house goes dark. But like so many guys that were we've got on the show and are and are doing this work, he's turned that personal pain into a roadmap to help fathers stop drifting, regain their emotional footing, and step into the steady leadership their kids desperately need. Tyler, thanks so much for being here today. Man, I'm grateful to be on, dude.

SPEAKER_04 1:11

It's it's a it's a pleasant pleasure being here. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Yeah, and and I Eddie, I just want to start out sincerely thanking you for the work that you do. Like we were talking about just before we started recording, that there's starting to be now a lot more dads like you, Anthony Thompson, some other guys that we've had on the show that are that have seen the need and are making the sacrifice in their lives. Because let's just let's just be clear. This this is a sacrifice to do this and work. Some of us are doing it part-time, some of us do it full-time. None of us are getting rich on all this. It's not like the social media influencer thing. It is a labor of love. And it's because you love your kids, I love my kids, and we love the dads that are on here, and then we know that they love their kids. So thanks for the work that you're doing. I do appreciate it. And I've been able to watch your Instagram over a period of time now, and I really appreciate the message that you bring out there.

SPEAKER_04 2:04

No, man, I'm grateful to be able to spread that message and and take that leadership role in the sense of a lot of fathers need that. They we need that, we need that somebody to spearhead this, and and Anthony does an amazing job as well. I think a lot of fathers out there that are are having the courage to do so is is needed. It's it's so much so much out there that that goes in a negative light against fathers and different things. And I think you know, the reason I kind of started this was really just getting fathers inspired to show up for their kids even through chaos, right? And I think it's important that that we still find ways to do so and and don't don't abandon them because at the end of the day, that's they're the most important and their their feelings are are hurt just as much as ours are.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Yeah, yeah. So tell us a little bit about your divorce journey. So you've got four kids. How long have you been divorced? What was you know, what were the circumstances? Where are you at now?

SPEAKER_04 2:57

So my story, you know, it's not some overnight success story, but it's it's been one of those things where it's been a lot of challenges, a lot of challenges. I I got divorced back in 2023, separated in 2022. I was married for 10 years. I knew her for we knew each other for about 17. So you know, it was it was a challenge. We had three kids together, her and I did, and then you know, it's a lot of pressure, a lot of a lot of conflict throughout the divorce or the through the relationship here and there, and it just was up and down. It was not easy to to handle with each kid, kind of added more pressure, you know. But I know throughout that that that relationship, I was very present with my kids. I made sure I was present with

Tyler’s Divorce Story And Fallout

SPEAKER_04 3:38

my kids and showed up for them in every which way possible, taking them to school, doing all these things. So my divorce was, I would say it was hard. It was hard. There was some things that happened to where we kind of mutually just agreed to split, right? She started, she wanted to go her own separate way and and find another find another relationship on her own. And I just that crushed me. But at the same time, I kind of said, you know what, this is probably best for us because there was a lot of toxicity within our relationship, and it was bleeding into our kids' kids as well. So the relationship, I would say on that end, the split wasn't so difficult. It was pretty mutual, thankfully. But you know, there's some challenges there. So I after I got divorced, I jumped in, you know, I was in that stage where I've heard a lot of men, I've talked to a lot of men where they just feel lonely, right? You feel lonely, you feel like you need to have some security. So I felt lonely and I jumped into another relationship pretty quickly after I got separated. And you know, for me, I learned that obviously that was not the right call for me because it created Yeah, it created a dynamic where my insecurities were showing up where I didn't feel like I wanted to make sure I had that attachment of somebody with me by my side, right? And I at the same time, it was a mess at the same time because that relationship, I wasn't healed from the past, what I just got out of. And so I jumped into one, ended up getting a pregnancy of her with her, and you know, so that was where my fourth daughter came, or my fourth child, not my fourth daughter, fourth child came in. I have three daughters and one son, and you know, it created something to where a lot of chaos I was added on. You know, the relationship was good at the beginning, of course, in the honeymoon phase, but then kind of getting into the weeds of it, it kind of I realized this wasn't this wasn't what I was set up to to want to be involved in. You know, she had three kids of her own, I had three kids, and it was a lot. So I went from three kids to now basically seven kids in a matter of a year. And after my split. And it was a lot, it was a lot of pressure. I was financially holding it all together for us. You know, it just wasn't something that I envisioned right after I don't recommend it. I'll just say that jumping into something right after right after you get split and in the process of divorce. It's not something you got to heal first, heal yourself first and find yourself and find your footing. But nonetheless, that happened. You know, my my youngest daughter, on top of that, my youngest two-year-old daughter, she's two, she's now turning three in August, but she was born with a condition called gastroschesis. So she had her stomach, bowel, her bowels outside of her stomach when she was born. And so she was in the NICU for three months. And so through all that, through all the the pressure of have handling, you know, basically six kids almost, and my three and her three, and then having that pressure of the NICU and all that other stuff, you know, my my life kind of turned chaotic, and that relationship kind of just fractured in the process of all that. It was kind of rocky in the whole deal. And you know, but at the same time, I I stayed showing up for my kids, and I showed, and I felt like that was the time where I had to make a challenge change where I was like, I'm gonna inspire dads no matter what. You know, I I noticed a lot of dads weren't showing up for their kids. I said, you know what, I'm still showing up, I'm gonna inspire dads to do the same. And I kind of created that journey and started this community in that sense. So that that's kind of been my short but long story, you know, long but short story, I should say, of my journey into where I'm at now and why I'm doing what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yeah, well, I'm I'm I'm sure it's very short compared to the detailed story that that maybe we'll have you back on the to to to to to share. Or maybe we just have a beer and you can share privately. But uh Yeah, for real. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:25

You know, we There's a lot to the a lot of dynamics, a lot of detail to that of why it all kind of happened, but you know, I don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

I know it's funny. You know, we get guys, I get guys in you know on calls and in the group meetings and stuff like that, and and they'll say something to the effect of like, you know, have you ever heard of or experienced that? I'm like, well, let me tell you. There's uh yeah, yeah. It's uh yeah, it's definitely, you know, I everybody's everybody's got everybody's got their own unique experience going through this. But one of the things that you said of that that's that resonates with me because I did the same thing. It was like plug and play. I'm just I'm gonna get another relationship. I want to fit what it was is a hole in me, right? Like I want to fill that hole. I want to to have somebody, somebody else there. And then that just it didn't help anything. Didn't I didn't take the time to do the healing, the work that I needed. Uh, I didn't know where to go. You know, we just we just perpetuate those those relational dynamics, those emotions that are just wired into us until we have something like divorce that that that comes up that forces us to really look at things and pay attention and and and hopefully we do pay attention and we don't keep adding on to it like we did, right? Until we have to stop and go, oh, okay, wait, maybe I just need to stop here.

SPEAKER_04 8:53

And and to be honest with you, and that's something I've reflected on and realized is that you end up finding the same person almost. Oh, yeah. You just get out of a relationship, and and you don't you you're just your same, you have the same eyesight of that. And so like they're two very similar women for myself, and you know, not to mention they both kind of knew each other, and that wasn't intentional for me. It was more, you know, they both kind of knew who they each other were. So I thought in my head, I'm like, as a man, I'm like, oh, this could work, you know, they know each other, they could, they could, they could be friendly with each other, and that just completely my brain you know was not on the right path there. So uh you know, but very similar minds, you know, similar ways, and that's the thing. That's why you gotta heal yourself to change your perspective, just like you got to change your your way of living and way of thinking. And I think a lot of fathers don't, a lot of men, you know, we just kind of crawl back into something that's comfortable in the sense of that.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

And well, let's talk about that because you talk a lot about how men don't actually break all at once, they drift, right? And uh, and that's that's a that's a word that I use a lot and and we use on this show aro a lot. And you know, they they drift in their marriages, which may be part of the contribution to why it ended, uh drift in their routines, stop being themselves long, you know, long before the divorce really happens. And so from your journey, your work with dads, how does this drift?

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Like this realization that we're talking about, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:28

He realizes he lost his identity, his identity before the crisis even hits, and you know, or or at least another crisis hits, right? Because the guys that are listening right now are in a crisis because they're in

Rebound Relationships And Added Chaos

SPEAKER_01 10:40

divorce, right?

SPEAKER_05 10:43

Yeah, sorry, you kind of broke up a little bit there, but you know for some reason my yeah, my speaker reset.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Did you want me to did you want me to repeat that?

SPEAKER_04 10:55

Yeah, if you don't mind, brother. Sorry, I heard the the drifting part, but I I got broken up on the last part of it.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah, it's uh so so the the how does the drift happen silently is the first part of the question. And the second is how does a man realize he's lost his identity before another crisis hits, right? Right? Because this drift has happened and we've gotten into this drift, but we didn't know it. And now the divorce has happened and it's a crisis. Like, how does he how do we figure that out before we have another crisis?

SPEAKER_04 11:29

I mean, it happens slowly, right? You know, you stop when you stop taking care of yourself, you know, you you lose yourself in the sense like if you're not if you're not taking care of your own mental state and your your body and all the other things, you know that that's where you are you realize you're you're drifting. You're just kind of there, right? You're not fully present with yourself, you're not fully present with your kids. If you're really reactive as a as a man, as a person to your kids, or you're emotionally reactive to your your ex or whatever, like those are the things that are showing you signs that are you're in a drifting state. You're not fully structured in the way you should be living your life because you're allowing other people to influence you, where you're not taking that discipline and leadership role to take that next level, take that next step, and really focus on what matters most. And that really is getting yourself grounded into a strong emotional state of mind and keeping your body right and fit and strong and showing your kids the role model, right? That they need to emulate and to go out and to see, right? You know, my kids, you know, am I perfect? No, I'm not perfect, but I I know for a fact that that I try my hardest, I make sure I try to show my, you know, I'm reading, I'm journaling, I'm talking about positive things, I'm I'm enabled, I'm going to the gym, going on walks with them. Those types of things that are really detailed things. If you're not doing similar things like that or something of nature where you're spending the time, the quality time with your kids, you're just drifting. You're just drifting through life. You're not, if you want to just come home after a long day at work and just sit on the couch and eat Cheetos and whatever you want to do and just think TV is gonna numb your pain or drink or go to a different vice. You're just drifting. You're just drifting through life and just you don't care. You know, it's their fathers that actually want to take that next step and realize, and and that happens in marriage too. I mean, I know a lot of I've talked to somebody recently, I was actually getting has actually got a getting my hair cut, and she was saying, Yeah, my husband didn't, she wasn't, she got recently divorced, and she goes, My husband, she he wasn't there, he wasn't present. He was always going in his man cave. You know, he was just going down there and for 24 years didn't even see me as a person, as a man. And I was like, you know, I think that's present. I think that's a lot of fathers. You know, they're not happy with themselves, they're not they're they're just drifting, they just think that they're comfortable. They think that this is what the standard is. I'm I got my woman, I got this, and they're not trying to grow, you know. And sometimes you are trying to grow. Like me and my marriage to kind of take it back, I was trying to grow. I was trying to build, I was getting and I was reading, I was getting, but she wasn't wanting to come along with me. She wasn't wanting to join my my my growth with me. She wasn't leveling me up. So sometimes it's the same. Sometimes you are trying to grow and she's just not ready to take that, take that pull with you or go alongside with you. Or the opposite is you're just not doing the work to really make the marriage or relationship work in your own sense. So it goes both ways. But yeah, drifting is there's a lot of key factors, but really if you're not living the life you want to live, that that that's kind of why that's what you're doing. You're just drifting.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

So you said something uh initially in the in that in your response was emotional reactions.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

I I feel like that is a pretty big red flag of drift, because the the the the drift is uh a result, I feel, of some sort of emotional reaction that's coming up that then we don't know what to do with. And especially during a divorce or just post-divorce, there's so much chaos that everything that you described is comes into play. Like, okay, we're we're numbing or ignoring or avoiding, like doing something to deal with this emotional reaction that's coming up with us. And there's so many emotional reactions that come up during a divorce, it's so complex, just the the grief part of it, right? That has anger and sadness and like all the different emotions uh uh around that. But then you have kids and parenting and the the loss of the the the relationship at et cetera. So so I you know, how do you feel about the the idea that if you're feeling a strong emotion, whatever it is, that's a that is a that is a sign for you to pay attention to something because if you if you don't, you are going to fall into this drift, and you're gonna, you know, all the things you described, you're gonna just you're gonna ignore, you're gonna go drinking, you're gonna go find, you know, another woman, like whatever it is. Yep, yeah. That drift. And you need to be focused more importantly now than ever on taking care of yourself, exercising, focused in and present with your kids, like all the all that stuff. And you're not able to do that. And we're not, and to just to to just add a caveat to that, to the dads, because I know for me there was a lot of guilt around that. Like most guys I talk to, when you get to the bottom of it, that the the dad they know if they're drifting, right? Like if they get real honest and they want to, they they they know we're just patterned to to react to these things in a in a certain way. So I want the dads to to understand that it's okay, but now that you're paying attention to these patterns, now that you know, then you've got people like Tyler and me and and others to to be able to help you through this process. So, how do you feel about that, you know, as as as like uh maybe a warning sign for the dads, those strong emotions being one of those warning signs of like pre-drift, if you will. Well, think about pressure or stress.

SPEAKER_04 17:06

You know, if you're pressured or stressed, right? You what is stress? Stress is an indication that something else is something you're not, you're not, you don't value, right? It's something that you are you're getting, it's against your values, it's against your will of what you actually believe in, right? And that's the thing of as men, as fathers, if you're stressed, well, that tells you you gotta change something. That tells you that that it's telling your body and your mind is telling you, hey, this isn't good, this isn't the right way. You you gotta find another path. And you know, don't numb that stress by drinking, you know, don't drinking or going somewhere else and trying to distract yourself.

How Men Drift And Lose Identity

SPEAKER_04 17:40

You got to put in the work and face it. You know, it's it's just like facing your fears, man. You gotta that's the thing that a lot of us would like to run away from. You know, we go to back to the comforts of what we're used to just to not deal with it. And and don't get me wrong, I've had to deal with a lot of it myself, and it happens a lot. It still to this day happens a lot, you know. But it also tells you you that, and here's another thing I'll say if you're looking for motivation, right, to help get you over the top, that's great. Motivation and and inspiration, that's fantastic, but that's not gonna help you stay consistent. It's structure that's gonna help you stay consistent, right? And that's yeah, that's a lot of men that I see, you know, they're they're hesitant to take that leap of like getting the help and getting the accountability and the consistency, you know, with themselves because oh, they just need what they want, they think motivation is gonna fix them. Oh, looking at daily posts and different things, oh, that helps me for a little bit, but it's really just like a dose of dopamine, right? And that's the thing where a lot of men, you know, when you have that stress and that overwhelmingness, that just tells you you have to change your you have to make a change. You have to break that cycle, break that trauma bond, break whatever it is that you're dealing with internally and find and seek the pre people that know and have been through that pain and understand how to get through that that next to that next level and get you through that that wall, that barrier that you're facing. You know, because time doesn't heal wounds, man. Time does not time heal, I'm sorry, time heals wounds, but it leaves scars. But there's still a wound underneath that scar, right? And you have to del you have to dig deep and repair that that wound, otherwise, you're just gonna keep falling into those same patterns.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Yeah. So you hit on two things that I thought were important that we talk about today. And one is that that stress factor. And it's been and it's been shown that when you're when you when you get in, you know the the acute when you get into acute stress, your your cognitive abilities are reduced by like 40%. So you're literally got half your brain tied behind your back or offline or however you want to think about it. And you're having to go through. So we talk about this a lot on on on the show. And then the the other part you talked about, which is the motivation part and lots of lots of stuff that's out there is you know, rah-rah, let's get motivated, feel good, da-da-da-da. Yeah, and you know, that is great, right? There's a maybe a place for that within what you described, a structure of how you and it's literally rebuilt, it's literally rebuilding everything about your life through this, through this process, in in in having to create a new structure. And and if you if you kind of if the dads that are listening, think about it like you're gonna have a life 2.0. You're gonna have a your life is going to be different. And what I see a lot of times is resistance, right? Like, and which is understandable. Like you and I just described in the beginning, we were just trying to do the same thing, just with another woman, right? Like we're just you know, we you get comfortable, but that's not that's it's not gonna work, guys. And and that's why the that's why this the the second marriage rate is or a divorce rate, second marriage divorce rate is higher than the first one, the third is is is higher than the second, and the first is because you don't come to that real right, yeah, that realization because you need to rebuild and you need to create a new structure for your life because it's really a new identity, exactly, exactly. So so so let's let's can you give some tips to the dads about how they practice you know that's creating that structure, that self-mastery, in particular around the context of what we're talking about uh before, that's that nervous system regulation, that emotional uh regulation.

SPEAKER_04 21:36

I mean, honestly, it's it's really just getting getting your thoughts out of your head. You know, I think a lot of fathers overthink. They think they overthink things, they they they they make it harder than things are supposed to be. And then it's it's accountability in that sense. They don't have they don't want to take accountability for their actions. But it's ego driven, right? And so some tips I would say is is really just focus on writing, reading, growth. know self development, those types of things are really that are some things that have changed my life. You know, getting into those, those, you know, getting around positive and changing, look who's around you. I mean, I know this gets said so many times, but it can't be said enough is look who's around your circle. Look who's in your circle, how they're influencing your life. I mean, yeah, that that is legitimately the truth. And I've dealt with that personally, you know, when you have the the five wrong people in your life, you're gonna be having problems yourself. If you find broke people, you're gonna be broke yourself. You're gonna five rich people, you'll likely be rich yourself. But it's it's one of those things where you have to do those things you have to put you know journaling, reading, you know, listen to positive podcasts, getting around different mentors and coaches that that know how to get you through things. Those are important tips that I think that have changed my life in the sense of staying structured in in what I need to do. And routines are are positive. If you have a good routine in the morning and get your day started in the morning and then in in the evening and really hold yourself to it, I mean that that's a great thing, you know, and make sure you struck set schedule time with your kids because at the end of the day that's what you're here for as a father. You're here to be present and guide them. Well why do you not want to spend time with them, right? Have that time where you're taking 40 minutes, 35 minutes or 30 minutes to 40 minutes on a daily basis just to spend that time with them. You don't get a lot as it is but make it intentional make it present make your presence felt for sure. So right those are some tips I would suggest is really get things out get your thoughts out of your head is the biggest one. I think that's something that helped me is yeah it's just a cycle man. It's a freaking it just loops and loops and loops and and and then it's just the same you're it's almost like a broken record. Just keeps you playing in your brain. The journaling the journaling one I think is a a great one for for dads to to do to to build women man I know women are are I know are journal journal queens but men needed need to need to journal too. I think emotions aren't weak. Share your emotions and and it's okay for us men to actually share emotions. It's not a weak position it's a it's actually a very strong position because that shows your character and shows your strength.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Right. Well and you can do you can you can do journal you can do journaling in a in a in a malcentric way that can be beneficial to you in the future like you described if if if you're having these feelings and we need to do something we have these emotions we need to do something with these emotions otherwise if we ignore them repress them whatever we're doing they're gonna they're gonna manifest and they're not gonna manifest in a positive way they're not gonna go away guys is is what we're saying. So they're gonna come up in your life and it's probably gonna make it it's probably gonna come up in your life where it's going to make your life more difficult. So you can either deal with it now or you can wait and deal

Stress Signals And Motivation Traps

SPEAKER_01 24:50

with it later. But eventually you're gonna have to deal with it. And you can journal I love the I love the journaling thing this is something I resisted for a really long time same thing as like you know I like girls journal I don't journal whatever but you can do it in a you can do it in a way that helps you to see and understand the patterns of your emotions. So if you're writing and keeping track of it and you're looking back and then you're seeing a pattern then that helps you then to recognize what that pattern and then you know the recognition that helps you to say okay well this is something then I need to to to work on I need to go to Tyler I need to get some some help on this or maybe I need therapy or maybe I need a a code like whatever it is. So that's the you know that's the basis of it. So I want to encourage the dads when you're when you're doing this is it not just a you know it's just not a just not a thought dump necessarily it can it can be beneficial if you structure it the the the right way. So I think that's a I think that's really terrific uh terrific advice. Let's get into let's get into Tyler your your system that you you coach dads around the the the hero system. H-E-R-O, which I think is an awesome awesome name for that because we need to dads need to be the hero of your own lives in in order to show up for for your kids so I so I love that. The the H stands for heal.

SPEAKER_05 26:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:15

And so I guess I talk to us a little bit about that but in particular how do you define what you describe as healing for a father under fire during this there you know during this pressure cooker time of divorce and how does how does a dad heal past the wound so that he stops biting the bait during this time and

Simple Routines That Create Stability

SPEAKER_01 26:40

during this conflict.

SPEAKER_04 26:41

Yeah well I mean the framework that I've developed the the method you know obviously it it stems from you know my st slogan of

The HERO Method And Healing Clarity

SPEAKER_04 26:48

being the hero to your children's stories right and that's that's important that we have to understand is that's the goal of us as fathers is is we are the hero to their story because I think we are the most important relationship for our children's lives. Yeah right I think I think and that's not taking away anything from mothers because I'm I you know I'm a mama's boy myself so I I I I love my mom dearly and I think that they're very important pieces. But I think as a father we just enable so many things for our children and in a lot of ways with with discipline safety confidence all those things. So I wanted to kind of shout that out before I kind of dive into the method that I've created but but at the end of the day when you're when you talk about healing you know healing is really you have to get clarity. It starts with getting clarity of who you want to become and who you and where you're at right you have to get a vision written down and get into get in a place of clarity and and because if you don't have the clarity and a direction of where you're going you're never going to get to where you want to go right it's just like it's just like any direction you know a map that you're taking on a road what a road trip if you don't know where you're going you're just gonna end up in a random place. So you have to realize that that as a father as a man going through this challenge and that's harder said than done but that's why you have that accountability person. Yeah therapy's great to get your emotions out but then you have to have somebody that has been through that situation with you next to your side right and that's why this is so important. That's something that's helped me what I've gone through it and that getting clarity getting you that focus and getting the mentor that knows what what has been going what you're going through. And you know you got to heal your past because if you're acting you know if you're reacting with emotion to every you know like you said to every text from your ex, right? Or every message and you're just frustrated and you're just continue adding fuel to the fire, you're never going to stay you're never going to get out of your chaos. It's gonna be a revolving cycled path for you. You're gonna continue just and then it's gonna just bleed keep bleeding down to your kids and your reaction it's just a domino effect your reaction you're gonna keep drifting you're gonna keep doing all these things you got to really heal and get clarity of what you want to become and that's where you know I really start fathers out with the seven day reset that I have is really just take seven days, 15 minutes a day and you focus on those certain questions, deep questions that you can ask yourself and really get inside your brain and and look inside yourself internally and realize okay this is what I'm dealing with now but this is where I want to become and who I want to become for my kids because if you don't have that that idea put out on paper or put out in in in writing in some form or fashion or even listening if you voice note it doesn't matter and and see that and feel that every day then you're just never going to get anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Yeah so so what I'm hearing you say is that one of the first things and and I think this is just kind of a basic coaching premise is you got to get clear on on where you want to go what you want to do what you what you want your your your end state to to to be but but the the healing part of that is an ongoing process right that that journey to where you want to go is the uh is the healing itself that journey is the healing of going through that because I think that a lot of times you know you know guys think about you know you know healing as sounding soft or passive again like that journaling process and you know like hey I'm on an e uh you know you hear the I'm on a healing journey from women like a lot of times right yeah but there there actually is some credibility to that and now again it doesn't have to be soft and it doesn't also have to be passive right because we're guys and we the healing for us would happen in a different way in which it might happen for women generally speaking right but it is still a healing process and that journey is the healing process guys so it's not like you know I uh one of the things that for for for me when when I did finally wake up and stop the majority of the of the of the numbing and the and the avoidance and and all that was like oh okay well now I'm in fix it mode right like I'm a guy I'm gonna fix it and I'm gonna fix everything and I'm gonna fix everything about me and dove into like everything true and it that's crazy because it's not you're not gonna fix everything and number one you're not broken so so and there's no and and so the things I I try to emphasize to to to the dads all the time is there's no goal line right you're setting these intentions or your goals like you said of where you want to be what you want life to look look like but that that journey there is that healing process to it. And when I finally started to realize that and wasn't you know because every time you hit a goal and you know you try to heal something you're trying to heal something then you're just disappointed because like life isn't magically just falling in line again right and it's just not going to no it it's not it's not unless you have some sort of structure and knowledge of where you want to go and and again not to say visions always come you know I've done vision boards and things like that.

SPEAKER_04 32:06

They don't always come to to fruition but you got to have something you're striving for. You got to have something you're you're going after right as fathers as men you got to have we always got to be looking for the next build or next thing to build or help with or whatever because it it gives you purpose right it gives you a purpose of of life and we all want purpose. We all want to feel like we're contributing in some form or fashion especially as men you know I think it's important that we have that's the whole purpose of a relationship you just want to we just want respect and appreciation for what we're doing and what we're going where going for and you know that's from a partner or from other people like we just are that's what we're looking for that it's not to say that it's an ego thing but it it helps drive us to that next next level and keep us going because there's going to be pits in the road where you just you're gonna feel down on yourself and insecurities that's never going to stop. You know and that's the thing where you your emotions are going to keep coming up and and you know I've held I've had to handle that myself but you have to go back to the structure of what you know and how to get clear again and realize what what you want to go after. And that that's a lot of men just don't have that have that wherewithal to understand that. But you're not you're just gonna keep going through a broken record going through just a we you're spinning your wheels the whole time.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

Yeah you're gonna keep perpetuating what you've been perpetuating or what you've learned and how to how to deal with those same situations and you're gonna do the same thing over and over again. And I and I want and I want to say again to to to the dads that are that are listening that so much of this stuff is patterned into us in our in our childhood and our early adult life. So don't don't you know there's nothing wrong with you again to that fix it mindset. It's an awakening if you will if you will and unfortunately the awakening has to happen through something as challenging as as divorce. So you could but once you're aware of it you either embrace it or you ignore it. And if you ignore it like Tyler and I both described with some of our you know you know post-divorce it's not going to go away. So you may as well embrace it sooner sooner than later. And so then let's talk about that because E is for establish and we touched on that a little bit with your you know the motivation is a lie and that you need structure but tell so maybe can you give some non-negotiable routines and structures that the dads are listening to that they need to establish immediately in order to keep themselves anchored.

SPEAKER_04 34:48

Well I'm wondering you know I you got to relate it to when you're establishing structure or establishing a new foundation right think about like your house just completely got demolished right you think about take that analogy of you know because I'm in the construction background of house of real estate and things like that. So I look at it as your house just burned down basically completely burned it's gone. So you have to reset a new foundation right so you have to re establish might be a better description for

Establish Nonnegotiables When Kids Are Gone

SPEAKER_04 35:14

some of us but anyway. Yeah blew up and you know exploded right whatever it is yeah exactly whatever metaphor you want to use right it's just it's something that that that is that is what happens and so you're you're you're in a like oh my gosh where am I going to move what am I going to do and where am I going to build a new house at well you have to build a new house within yourself right you have to build that new house and that starts with establishing routine of what you of who you want will first get clear I obviously that's the first part but then you want to establish the routine okay do you want to do you wake up early and get start you get your day started you know I've been doing this for years and years even when I was married where I get up before the kids get up you know and make sure I'm getting myself structured and my day you know intentional before I I have the distraction not to say that's a bad distraction but it's a it's a legitimate distraction right you get up at I get up at four or five in the morning every morning and make sure you're saying kids are distracting no way they do they get distraction but um you know and but you have and here's the thing and and that I've and I think that that I want to kind of the rebuilding of yourself starts when you don't have your kids okay that's when it well this is the process when you actually don't have your kids are you consistent are you doing the same consistent routine when you don't have them because it's easy to sleep in when you don't have the kids right and that's the one I think that that's when you the actual work is the most important when you don't when that silence is there and you actually are taking advantage of working on yourself not just staying busy but actually focusing on intentionally working on yourself taking the steps to network and meet new people and build things and do all these things when you don't have them that tells me that you have structure in a certain way or that you want more that tells me you want to grow right yeah but you need a little guidance for that. So you have to establish the the routines you know you got to do put the tools in place where you know you're just focusing on how to how to get all this done get all the stresses that you have done when you don't have the kids. Those are some things where you're establishing a new foundation where you're you're getting the goals that you want to accomplish so that way when they're back you're fully present with them right you're fully engaged in them. Now you have some things you still got to work on but you're fully engaged with them and and building that relationship on the on the backside. So you know what like we talked about earlier journaling writing those types of things are important. Getting your body moving you know getting being active as a man as a person is so important. I can't even stress about how much importance that is I know you probably agree with that because oh yeah you're not moving your body you know if you feel overwhelmed or stressed go on a walk. Stand up move around walk around the house do push-ups you know I I whatever it takes to keep your body moving and that you can you know get to the gym as often as you can if you have a or if you have a home gym do the home gym whatever it is do it but get that body moving so your thoughts don't overtake your mind I think that's a big powerful thing to continue establishing that structure establishing that foundation and really so solely and talk to talk to people you trust you know get those emotions out figure out ways so you can do those things I think it's so important that that we talk talk things out of our head and we get our body moving. Those are two two powerful things that we can do.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

So if I if I heard you correctly the non-negotiable routine instructor would be whatever it is for the dad that can assist them to get into a mindset that helps them to be present uh in not only with their kids but in their life so that they can show up so that they can be focused so that they can be spending the time and and and so that it could look different for dads. You you you named a a bunch of different ones right yeah I gave a lot of different ones yeah I I kind of put them in in in in four different categories mental emotional physical and spiritual right like you know mental mental might be some of the some of the the the journaling or the or therapy emotional might be some exercises around breathing or something to help you deal with your emotions physical like you said it would be walking or lifting like heavy lifting guys I mean it's a it's a great thing or intense workouts is is a great thing. I mean it's got done studies on this it's has a it has a and it has a multiple benefit it's one of the easiest steps I would say and and and and I'm sure you agree is it has multiple benefits not only uh physically but also mentally emotionally as as well and it's an easy one to to to start to implement and then the the one I think that that often gets overlooked that that we don't talk about enough is spiritual we're all spiritual beings we're all having a spiritual experience and and anchoring into something that is greater than our particular circumstance at the moment is incredibly incredibly valuable as as well so so any one of those and for different for different dads that might be different things but the end goal again like Tyler's talking about is to get to like what do you want to accomplish you want if that is to be present with your your your kids and active with your kids then find something work backwards then if that's the goal find something that's going to help you like you said yeah every day that's that was a big realization for me right is when I finally figured out that when I open the door to my bedroom in the morning how our day goes is wholly dependent upon how I walk out of that door. And if I'm walking out of that door rolling out of bed scattered like thinking about the hundred things that are going on and the court day that I've got and everything else like it's gonna be chaos and my kids are going to be chaos and it's all but if I've taken the time like you said like 15 minutes 20 minutes a half hour to to get myself centered and ready and walk out that door doesn't mean I know all of your challenges are going to go away or like you said all the distractions are going to go away. They're not the kids are going to be there they're not gonna be ready they're not gonna be out of bed I've got teens they're not gonna be out of bed yet we're gonna have to leave in five minutes all that same stuff but you're going to be in a different place and then you're gonna be able to react differently so so I think that's yeah I think that's great great great upon you know I've gotten more into my spiritual journey lately.

SPEAKER_04 41:40

You know I wasn't that wasn't part of my routine you know for a while you know but I lately I've actually dive in dived in dove into my spiritual routine where it's praying and getting into the Bible and things like that learning things like that just getting more spiritual because I think it's important to have a balance not to say you know I'm needing to be all about per se on that you know it's in it because I you know but I I I believe in I believe in the higher power I believe in that and not everybody does but I believe in it. I think there's there's something to that the universe and the higher power for sure has some something out there. And you know I think for me you know I I think spiritual is a powerful thing because it gives you it's positive man. At the end of the day that's another way to put positive influence on your life. Whether you believe in it or not it gives you some positive perceptive or perspective and it gives you that that light inside of you to kind of feel better for your day. So I I do fully agree that that we do need to have a little bit more spiritual in ourselves you know just learning about it just exp expressing exploring it and I think I was resisted for a long time you know when I was younger you know growing and younger father and I you know I've kind of grown into that and I'm grateful. It's been a lot of it's been a blessing believe it or not in one of a lot of ways because it's helped me stay grounded within myself.

SPEAKER_01 42:59

Yeah and and and that's a good and that's a great point and I kind of I've kind of dial it down to most of the time we're either in a we're going to be in a constricted state or a or or a love state right those are kind of the two states of emotions that you you get you can get into and and and spirituality religions all all religions the the common theme around them base theme is love. And so if you want to and and we do want to be in a love based state the mo the majority of time that we're awake and and operating anchoring into something like that can only help you. It can only be beneficial and whether that's an organized religion or or or some other type of of spiritual connection that you you you have it's going to it's going to help you because again it it helps you connect something bigger and greater greater than the individual circumstance that that you're going through because it is only an in it is only an individual circumstance and it is only for a period of time. And so if you can if you can do that and and and like you said it will get you into you know a loving, love-based state and something that is more positive for you to focus on than just maybe what's negative going through your life. So I like that. I like that a lot.

SPEAKER_04 44:28

Yeah positivity is huge. That helps the next stage of of really rebuilding your identity right you want to have a love you know kind of that's the R and the the hero method there that I've developed. You got to rebuild your identity and and really starts with love, right? It starts with loving yourself. It starts with loving who you are and who you want to become and I think and how you how you express love to others. You know and I think that we there's a lot of hate out there in the world right there's a lot of hate and I hate my ex I hate this I hate this and you and it's just yeah at the end of the day you know the relationship didn't work out but you can't hate the person that is the mother of children. Yeah yes can she do something that that is just really bad where she takes your kids away and things like that. Yes that's absolutely but if you keep adding fuel to that fire and you treat her with hate hatred well what do

Rebuild Identity With Love And Boundaries

SPEAKER_04 45:18

you think she's going to keep doing she's going to keep making it harder for you. Right? And that that's where I think a lot of men you know for me in my situation you know I've kept things cordial. I haven't had the the tough court problems. I mean I've had a few issues here and there but not like some of these other fathers where I'm dealing with you know my kids being taken away from me. I've just told told myself you know what I'm just gonna love love them in the way that I need to love love them as a not like love love but like I you know I'm gonna be kind I'm gonna be cordial and be courteous and respectful right in the sense of that's what you need to be with your ex and and and you can stay stay boundary you have boundary focused keep your boundary but the only way you're gonna rebuild your identity is really look within yourself and how do you treat others? Do you treat others with respect and kindness well if you do you're gonna get that back most likely right if you don't if you treat her with hatred and and focus on the negative all the time with her it's just it's like we talked about earlier it's a it's a broken record it's gonna be a bad cycle a toxic cycle you know you can have you can have it to where you you have what you want with with presence with your kids but and and you can have a decent relationship with your ex but if you don't have a good relationship with yourself then none of that's gonna work. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 46:40

Right which is which is your next part which is the regulate part and if you are regulated then you have the ability to separate the behavior from the person. So you don't you don't have to you don't you're not hating on if you will your your ex or your soon to be ex you're not liking the behavior and that's okay not to like behavior. Yeah and it's okay to point that out that you don't like behavior. Totally and that's perfectly perfectly fine that does not in and that's where things get conflated especially if you get regulated and you get into this relational dynamic and again it's it's a pattern that you've just fallen into you didn't you didn't know about so but if like you said if you've taken the time built that structure understand stuff and you're able to regulate

Regulate Reactions And Own Your Part

SPEAKER_01 47:30

that then you're able to stop and do what you described which is hey I can still I can still even love this person like you said like I think you slipped about it but no it's true like you still you can still have a loving state and a loving feeling towards that person doesn't mean that you don't like the doesn't mean that you like their behaviors right like I can still feel a you know the positive you know love towards you love them.

SPEAKER_04 47:56

At one point in your life you love them deeply and you it that doesn't go away and let's be realistic. It doesn't go away you don't you don't you don't stop loving that person because you had a deep it just that the pattern changed that the things fell apart and it's that's okay it's totally okay you can still love that person but don't don't you know act like you don't you know don't put a mask on that you don't hate that you love them. You know you can love them because they're doing a great job with your kid you know as a mother of their kids and all that other stuff but exactly at the same time you still are moving on to the next next path that you need to take and that that's okay too.

SPEAKER_01 48:33

Right. You can still love them as the mother of your children you can still love them as the mother of their children and you can still not like lots of their behaviors. Yes those are not mutually those are not mutually exclusive guys. So let's make that clear you can't do that if you're not regulated right because it all regulating your emotions is key yes yep it all gets intermixed and then you get upset about something she does and then you're you know then you fly off the handle or whatever and then that just doesn't make things good.

SPEAKER_04 49:04

So uh so yeah if you're if you're if you're at if you're adding fuel to the fire and you're not taking that 10 second breath or 10 minute or 10 second or 10 minute whatever you want to do whatever it takes I usually do you got to take some time. It's a 10 minute rule for me. Take 10 minutes to respond if it's if it if you can if it's a it's a you know don't sit there and react immediately to a message that she sends or a a you know voice whatever it is if she calls I take 24 hours. You should take 24 hours whatever it takes unless it's an emergency yeah don't respond immediately slower to regulate but who knows everybody's different you know you there's there's 10 minutes 10 seconds there's 24 hours whatever it is you got to take that time to breathe it out and really think through it because that that could be the decision of adding fuel or that could be the decision of okay I thought through this in a positive way I went through all the negative stuff and the positive stuff you wait it all out this is how I'm gonna respond. But Mike 99% of the time you want to try to respond as positive and cordial as possible with a good boundary set but at the same time you know don't don't react with emotion like you're used to in your relationship because that obviously let's be real that didn't work that's why you're in the position you're in right and that did that that's why you are so if you keep responding the way you did when you were in your relationship with her that is going to just continue to be the case when you're out of that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 50:29

And so you got to change your identity of how you respond because it's gonna throw them off right that's it they're gonna be like wait what who is this person that I'm talking to anymore and guess what they're not gonna stop behaving the way that they're behaving so you're gonna have ample opportunity dads to work on this. But here's the flip side of that Tyler is that this is going to help you in the rest of your life because you're gonna be able to react in a better way and then she'll be there helping you to learn you know how to do this in a better way all the time. She will be the gift that keeps on giving because you're gonna be tired her for till your kids are whatever age and beyond she's not going to change her behavior so you may as well figure out how to do this.

SPEAKER_04 51:17

And that that's I think that's the hard part that's a tough pill to swallow right because no matter what pain she put you through I mean some obviously fathers can do the same thing they could put they could have done it to themselves right there's a lot of fathers that have done it to themselves. But whatever pain she put you through you know you just have to take accountability and just understand accept for what it is. That's why you have to heal your past and heal your if you did it to yourself okay heal it. If she did it to you then heal it and just forgive you know those are the things that you have to work on and and realize that you have to rebuild who you are and actually make a be a un make yourself an unrecognizable person because you were in a pattern before with of comfort with her and that relationship you were in a pattern with your kids and your family and now it's completely changed. So you have to rebuild your foundation rebuild your structure you know all these things re and regulate your emotions you have to do all these things step by step by step and it takes time it's not listen let me be real right now it doesn't take 16 per weeks just to do that. It just that's a that's a starting point. It takes it takes a while but you have to have somebody that goes with you along that journey because if you don't you're gonna fall back into the same old patterns and that's that's the that's the point of all this.

SPEAKER_01 52:35

Yep which is your fourth part of your method which is own right you've got to you've got to own it and if you own it look there's there are a myriad of things during this chaotic time and even post divorce because you just don't know exactly how things are gonna fall in line and you know what the life's gonna look like etc that are chaotic and uncertain. Correct one thing you can control yourself. That's how you react own yourself you can own your mindset you can own your emotions and reactions you can own your behaviors you can own how you show up with you can own all of that stuff.

SPEAKER_04 53:20

But that's really hard to do you've got it really well it's hard to do it right it's easy to do it initially right it's easy to do something you can do something for a week right you could do something for a week but can you do it for two weeks can you do for three weeks can you make it a s a value and a foundation for you moving forward it's hard to do it's just like why do people have personal traders because you can go to the gym for like a day a week and consistently do a you know work out but is that going to get you the results you want no it takes a long time and that's no different than your mental state of mind that's that's the thing is like that goes handy your body you know the way you want your body to look and the way you want your mind to look it takes time to build it. But it's a matter of putting in the effort and having that accountability next to you and that mentor and that that guidance and that the surrounding of people that are trying to do the same thing for you and lift you up. And that's that's where owning your leadership owning yourself and operating as a leader is so important because it doesn't it's not just it yes it's within yourself but it's also within people around you because like you said people are going to have so many life throws a million things at us every day. I mean it's it's impossible to to not you know get distracted or get you know get unfocused on something and then just go a different route. I mean I I'm king of that I have I've had I've I've my life has been a lot of things but you have to realize you are in the position you are in because you did it to yourself. Right? We as we put ourselves in this position whether you know whether the marriage and the divorce was one thing and it didn't work out well you're a pot you caused a lot of that too. You were part of that why is she why did she cheat on you? Well there's probably something in there that you did that she didn't feel safe with you or whatever she didn't feel safe within herself so she wanted to explore you know why did she why did you guys fight all the time well you probably didn't realize how you needed to regulate your emotions in that marriage.

SPEAKER_01 55:20

There's so many different factors that little moments details that caused certain things so you have to take accountability within yourself that hey things happen for because I'm not structured in how I am and and that's the thing that I've learned and I'm still growing into myself and operating as a leader and trying to grow within better my leadership it it's a it takes time it doesn't happen in in a matter of weeks it happens in a matter of years in reality yeah well it it's a lifetime journey right it's the yes it's a lifetime journey again it it it is a it is a cliche saying but it's the journey it's not the destination and that is really where it's at dads is that's yeah this process of of healing of everything of self-discovery uh of relationships with the kids is part is in that journey it's not in just trying to find a a single thing to to fix or or remedy or a person or an environment or whatever else it is the entire journey the entire time and so for like guys like you and I you you just you just said it we're still doing it too like oh we we've just we're just a little bit ahead of you guys that are that are listening right uh which is why we're here to to to share but there's lots of guys ahead of us and and and and we're learning also as as we go too so it continues to be a journey and continues to be a journey just gr you know grasp that journey and and take ownership of it and you know things will things will get better and life will be amazing even though you've gone through this difficult and challenging time for sure.

SPEAKER_04 57:03

1000% and and not to say you won't have challenging times but again you know even before the journey even within this journey but you just have to stay focused and and and go back to your your new foundation and and your new values that's the biggest thing in the number one value is your kids. That should be your why that should be why you're doing all this you do everything because of them and you're setting the foundation for their generation and their success at the end of the day that's that's the legacy that you're building.

SPEAKER_01 57:30

Yep and it'll be stronger and better for sure. Thanks so much man this has been a great conversation I sincerely appreciate you sharing your your your method with us let the let the the dads that are listening know how they can get in touch with you and see some of the the work that you're doing.

SPEAKER_04 57:48

Yeah honestly man I'm uh my hub is on Instagram inspiring father at inspiring father I post all my content pretty much on there and then obviously it goes into Facebook as well with the same handle at inspiring father but you know those are the type the primary two that I've I've kind of been involved with and and I I put all my content out there and if anybody want to reach out no no worries on dming me I'm responding quickly as possible as quickly as possible on those and yeah if anybody needs needs some help I'm here to help perfect

Where To Find Tyler And Closing

SPEAKER_04 58:20

Tyler McAdams inspiring father thanks so much I appreciate it thanks June I appreciate the conversation brother