315 - REPLAY: A Divorce Dad’s Guide To Handling Bad Mouthing And Lies

Your child looks you in the eye and repeats something that doesn’t sound like them. It sounds like an adult’s script. If you’re a divorced dad dealing with bad mouthing, lies, or subtle parental alienation, that moment can hit like a punch to the chest and it’s exactly where a lot of fathers lose ground by reacting instead of leading.

We walk through what parental alienation is, the warning signs that matter, and why this pattern is so damaging for kids who naturally identify with both parents. Then we get practical: how to stay calm when you’re hurt, how to avoid the trap of trashing your ex, and how to correct misinformation without turning your home into a courtroom. We also share simple example responses you can use when your child says things like “Mom says you don’t love me” or throws out an accusation that clearly came from somewhere else.

From there, we shift to the long game: strengthening your father-child relationship so the truth is felt, not just argued. We talk about quality time, consistent love and support, and routines and traditions that create stability during transitions between households. Finally, we cover when it makes sense to seek professional help, what to be careful about with counseling in high-conflict situations, and when legal guidance may be needed to protect your parenting time.

Being unprepared is how great fathers become weekend visitors. Most ground is lost quietly through "drift" and decisions made under pressure. Stop the drift today at TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.

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• Risk Assessment: Identify your "quiet loss" exposure in 10 minutes.
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Being unprepared is how great fathers become weekend visitors. I'm Jude Sandval, and this is Strategic Defense, the operational briefing for fathers who refuse to be sidelined by a system that exploits drift and unpreparedness. I ensure your mistakes don't become your permanent reality. While a lawyer handles your legal rights, I serve as your guide through the decision gap to protect your actual role as a father. You are now entering the command center. Today's briefing begins now. Hello, and welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here this week. And I hope that you are now into full swing of summer with the kids out of school and all of the summertime

Welcome And Summer Check-In

SPEAKER_00 1:55

festivities starting up here. I know that I was off last week. That's why we had a replay and got the opportunity to just spend some times up, some time up here in the Colorado Mountains, unwinding and rejuvenating and re-energizing. So that was great. It's an awesome time of year. So I hope that you're able to just take advantage of that a little bit. We uh today are going to be chatting about handling bad mouthing and lies. I'm calling it a divorce dad's guide to handling bad mouthing and lies. Unfortunately, this just keeps being this is just continues to be a topic that comes up in our group meetings. Just got off a couple of calls with guys this morning, and it's an issue we're talking about and strategizing on how to handle with their ex or soon-to-be exes, and it's just unfortunately seems to be something that is prevalent. I'm just gonna say, well, well, before I get into it, let's let us just uh welcome the new members of the divorce advocate community. That is Eric, Jim, Jeff, John, Sergio, and Erin. If you are not part of the community yet, check out the website at thedivorcedadvocate.com.

Why Bad Mouthing Matters

SPEAKER_00 3:13

There are resources for you wherever you're at in your divorce and at whatever level of investment you want to make. There are free resources that are there. There are some paid resources under the membership site, which includes some of the membership meetings, the group meetings that I talk of frequently, as well as some member podcasts and some member blogs. The app as well, which has got over 50 learning opportunities on it, is part of that membership as well. And then there's also some individual coaching if that's something that speaks to you. I highly think that I highly recommend, and I personally think, and not just because I am the coach, but because I wish I had somebody sorting through things with me during my divorce, that coaching is invaluable and probably would have saved me a ton of money considering the past 11 years since post-divorce. If I had I gone about things maybe a little bit differently during the divorce. But anyway, check it out. Also, there's the divorce quiz, which is a great opportunity to gauge where you're at in your divorce compared to others who have gone through a divorce. It'll give you some immediate results and also give you an opportunity to sit with me and discuss that and go through it and chat about your divorce. So check it all out at thedivorcedavicate.com. Okay, so handling a bad mouthing and lies. First, I just want to say that if your uh ex or soon to be ex is doing anything like this, it is a it is a it is a significant sign that they've got some sick they've got some significant mental emotional issues going on. And I'll just also say, fellas, if this is something that you're doing, stop it. Just stop it right now. First and foremost, your children identify themselves with each parent. So it doesn't matter how egregious anybody's actions are, they still identify themselves. So they take part of who they are and their personality from each of their parents. So literally, if you're bad mouthing your acts, you are bad mouthing your children. It's just no different than if you are telling them that they're dumb or they're stupid or anything like that, if you're saying that about their mother. So don't do it. Now, if it is happening to you, you know, parental alienation is it's a distressing experience. And, you know, when we're divorced dads and we're looking forward to our parenting time, discovering that our children have been exposed to negative comments, lies, or alienation or alienating behavior uh from our ex is really heartbreaking. I know the first times that I heard it, it was just it just made my heart sink to have my daughters come and ask me those questions. So, however, it's it's crucial to handle these situations with care and a strategic approach. And that's in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your child. That is the ultimate goal, is to maintain that all that healthy relationship. So here's some practical tips to help you navigate these challenging waters. Before uh we get into the tips, so let me let me help help you understand what parental alienation is. Parental alienation occurs when one parent deliberately attempts to distance the child from the other parent through negative remarks, lies, or manipulation. This behavior can damage the child's perception of the targeted parent and strain the relationship. So some of the signs of alienation are unjustified anger or hostility from your child, repetition of negative statements made by the other parent. And that would look like, particularly in younger children, them saying stuff that they would have otherwise have no idea or wouldn't come out of a child's mouth or wouldn't be appropriate, age appropriate for a child to say.

Signs Of Parental Alienation

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Another is reluctance or refusal to spend time with you, particularly if this just happened out of the out of the blue. Now, kids transitioning and saying things like, oh, I miss mommy or I miss daddy is pretty common, and that is that's actually healthy and that's understandable. But if they're reluctant or they're just flat out refusing to spend time, then that is definitely a sign to pay attention to. The next one is sudden changes in behavior or attitude towards you. That's and let me make a caveat with that, since I have teenagers, is that that doesn't mean just them being distant like some teenagers can be, or having attitude like some teenagers can have. That is just serious changes in their behavior, how they speak to you, how they act with you, uh, what their attitude is towards you. So it's not just this fluctuation of maybe hormones or them showing up as teenagers. It's really consistent and it is targeted at you and maybe not necessarily happening in both households. So pay attention to those. Those are some telltale signs that there is something going on. And we will you here's here's the thing, fellas, that you need to make sure to get in front of this. It is absolutely critical to get in front of this and pay attention to when these things are happening. And I would say, even if you are being maybe overly sensitive to this, it's that is okay. Pay attention and make sure because once this starts to happen and once this gets uh once this then gets ingrained in the kiddos' heads, then this becomes very difficult and challenging to start to unravel and to mitigate. So if you can mitigate it upfront as much as possible and not have to unravel it on the back end, then that is that is going to be the best case scenario. So paying attention to this is absolutely critical. So, how do you respond to negative and comments and lies? And so when your child comes to you with negative comments or lies that you've heard from their mother, it's vital, first and foremost, it's vital to respond calmly and collect and and constructively. Your reaction can either diffuse the situation or escalate it. So here are a few ways that uh four ways that you can that you can do that calmly and construct and constructively. The first is to stay calm and composed. It's and I this this is a hard one. It's it's absolutely natural to feel hurt or angry when you start to hear some of this stuff come out of your kiddo's your kiddo's mouth because it just cuts right to the core of who you are and it just makes it made my heart hurt. But reacting emotionally will

Four Calm Responses That Work

SPEAKER_00 9:55

only exacerbate the problem. So whatever tools you have, take a deep breath, count to 10, step away, make a phone call, whatever it might be, do that so that you can approach the conversation with a calm demeanor. So, in here's the other thing is you're you are modeling for your kiddos that you can handle situations and be a stable and reliable figure for them. So, what you want in doing this and by staying calm and composed, what you're doing is you're making sure to create an a space that is safe for them to come and talk to you about this stuff because you do want them telling you and talking to you about how they feel and what they think, even if it is coming in the form of maybe an outburst or an accusation or something like that. That is actually a positive, and I know it's hard to look at like that, but I had a therapist tell me this once that if they are acting out with you, that means that they feel safe enough to express themselves in that way. And while you might think it's not a positive that they're acting out, it is them acting out their feelings and their emotions while they don't have the maturity that we do in how to handle those. They do know that it's safe for them to do that because if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't. They'd be hiding it and they'd be repressing it. So, but staying calm and composed is gonna continue to create that environment for them to feel safe in doing that. And it's also gonna model for them that you are stable and that you're a reliable figure. The second is avoid bad mouthing the uh the other parents. So I'll just reiterate that regardless of what's been said to you, resist the urge to speak negatively about your ex. It's only gonna create more tension and confusion for your child. Instead, focus on providing reassurance and clarity. Now, this is not to say that you can't talk about a behavior. So, one of the things that I'll coach when guys are experiencing this and that I've had to utilize, and I freak, I have to utilize it just about every week is hey, I'm sorry that your mom is sharing that, or I'm sharing, or you're sorry that your mom is doing that. You can address a behavior. So if the behavior is that she's saying something about you, you can say, I'm sorry your mother is sharing something like that with you. That's not appropriate. And I just want you to know that that may not be true, or I love you, or whatever the situation might be. So it is okay to address the behavior, just avoid bad mouthing the other parent. Okay, don't say things that's stupid, they're stupid, she's a whatever, anything like that, because then you're you're you are bad mouthing them, you're not addressing a behavior. The next one, gently correct miser information. I just alluded to that. If your child repeats lies or misconceptions, calmly provide the correct information without criticizing the other parents. So that's exactly what I'm talking about. So if they say something like, Oh, mommy says you stole the house, you can say something to the effect that, hey, I'm really sorry that mommy's discussing that with you. That's not appropriate for you to be discussing with you, but I promise you, I have not stolen the house. And depending upon the age, if you want to get into it, if they're older and you want to talk about it, you can you can talk about the whatever those lies and misconceptions are and work through it. But but if they're younger, you can say that's something that is for adults to discuss. And when you're a little bit older, we can talk about that more. You know, another example is if they say, Mom says you don't love me, you can just respond with, I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I love you very much and I always will. And that's just so short and sweet, and it lets you know that you love them, it reassures them and provides that environment for them without you getting um upset or angry or exacerbated. Stay with us. We'll be right back. Hey dad, Jude here. I'm pausing this conversation for a mission critical warning. Everything we discuss on this podcast only works if you have a role to return to. Most fathers don't lose their kids in court, they lose ground quietly through drift and decisions made under pressure. Being unprepared is how great fathers become weekend visitors. I ensure your mistakes don't become your permanent reality. Stop the drift today at thedivorcedavicate.com. Take the free weekend visitor risk assessment or book your fatherhood protection session. Your kids are counting on you. Now back to the show. Number four, encourage open communication. Again, this is what we're what we're wanting to do. And I know this is hard, but if you can reframe this in your mind as an opportunity to have a difficult and challenging time or conversation with your kiddo and model for them that you can do that and have still have open communication and then utilize this as an opportunity to to grow your intimacy and your relationship with your kid. That's absolutely it's absolutely amazing. So create that safe space for your child to express these feelings and concerns and let them know it's okay to talk and what they've heard and how it makes them feel. Active listening and empathy can go a long way in building trust with them. So part of this is you continue to build, you continue to build trust. While they, while you are going through this divorce process also, they are going through this divorce process as well in their own, in

Build Trust Through Open Talks

SPEAKER_00 16:40

their in their own specific way from child from a child's perspective. So that trust component is really hard. It's an uncertain time. You know, that uncertainly uncertainty that we feel as as parents and as a spouse that's or an ex-spouse during this time. Imagine children who have little to no control over the situation at all and can only rely on their parents for what's happening or the information have less control. So it's even more chaotic and stressful and difficult for them. So try to keep that into in your perspective that there may be, maybe there is even some rebuilding of trust that will have to happen with them because now that they're they're in separate households, that's it's difficult and they're trying to make make ends, make, make it make sense for them in their own minds. So there might be a little bit of a trust component that needs to be rebuilt or just continue to build upon. Okay, so on that note, let's talk about building a stronger relationship, countering by countering the parental alienation, uh, it's not just about addressing the negative behavior, but it's also about fostering a positive, healthy relationship with your child. So let's talk about how you can do that. Because this is just the next, this is basically the I don't want to say it's not really the flip side, but it's the next part of this because one of it is respond, one of it is responding to those negative and con the those negative comments and lies, but the next is utilizing it, like I said, as an opportunity to build a stronger relationship. So, how can you actually do that? So here's three ways. The the first is making sure to spend quality time together, make the most of your parenting time by engaging in activities that your child enjoys, whether it's playing sports, reading together, exploring new hobbies, these moments can create lasting positive memories. So if you've listened to many of my episodes, particularly some of the early ones I talk about,

Strengthen Your Bond With Routines

SPEAKER_00 18:40

or if also if you've gone through the Dad's Guides for Divorce, you hear me talk about how this helped me to focus in on being a better dad. And it was very difficult and challenging for me. I never anticipated, expected, or wanted to be a dad 50% of the time, or at least actively 50% of the time. Obviously, I'm always their father, but be have them be uh around and be with me 50% of the time. So it was very, very critical for me that I got focused on being a being a present, uh, an open and available father for them on the time that I did have them. So that meant doing things, creating opportunities for us to do lots of different stuff, travel and to camp and to experience new things, come up with new things, also create, uh, we're gonna talk about routines, etc., coming up here in the in the third tip, but creating routines and traditions and stuff like that. So make sure to when you do have that time with them, make sure that it is quality time. Number two is show consistent love and support. This is one of the things that you as a father are uh it is invaluable in providing them is consistency and routines and traditions. That's going to be number three is maintain routines and traditions. This is this is the way that fathers traditionally show up. We are consistent, and it's and and that is key in reassuring them of our love and commitment and our commitment and regularly expressing this through affection and support through like words and actions is also important too. Small gestures, leaving a note in their lunchbox or attending their school events also makes a huge difference for me. I always wake up, at least recently. Like we've had lots of stuff that I consistently do, but recently when we get up, I always hug them and wake them when they wake up. And the first thing that I see in the morning is I give them a hug. And then always before bed, I always, even now that my daughters are teens, most nights I try to, if I can stay awake long enough, I'm usually in bed before them, but if I can kiss them goodnight or tuck them in or say goodnight, or we have a routine before bed, even if I do turn into bed before they do, of prayers and gratitude. So create those those consistent ways to show your love and support with them. And the next is maintain routines and tradition. Establishing routines and traditions uh provides a sense of stability and normalcy for your child, which is absolutely huge and critical right now during this process. So you're gonna have you have the opportunity now, whether you like it or not, that your life is going to change. It's going to be completely different than what it was during family life when you were all together. That's just the reality of the situation. So take it as an opportunity to start creating some of those new routines and traditions, how you want them to look in your house. It can be yours, it can be new, it you can include the kids uh in them and talk with them about them, but start to do that. And so, you know, that can look like a weekly movie night. That's something that we do on transitions when they come back. I highly recommend this. This is something I learned through Love and Logic classes, which is that transition time, find something that's fun and interesting that they like to do on that day, and and then have that be a regular tradition. Sometimes I've heard guys talk about going to the park and having a park visit or a picnic. We did uh pizza and movie nights on our uh on our transition nights. So find something that just helps them ease into that, but make it a routine and make it a tradition. And what this is gonna do, it's going to then again help become a source of comfort and connection for you, something that they that they are able to grasp onto in a difficult and challenging time. It makes them feel good, and they know that it's gonna be happening every single time. So no matter what, and and start doing more and more of this stuff, and I highly recommend it in all areas of of life, in all of your daily routines, etc. Find time to spend to have sit down and and have at least a meal together, if not breakfast and dinner together, so that you have that time, create those routines in maybe in maybe how you prepare the meal and how you sit down and you spend time together, how you do uh homework or after work, home after work, homework, after work and school homework routines, after school routines, stuff like that. That when you're going to do shower or bath nights or whatever those are, create those that all that will all lead to helping them to feel more comfort, more connection, knowing that there's a stability in there. That is what you are there to provide as their dad. Okay, and then I do want to just add in here that if two two other points. And if the parenta alienation persists or escalates, it might be necessary to seek professional help. Therapist counselors and legal professionals can provide guidance and support in addressing the issue. And family therapy can also facilitate open communication and healing for all the parties involved. So you can consider family counseling. I just would say be very careful with family counseling and counseling in and around these situations. It is very nuanced and it is difficult sometimes for therapists to identify and understand what might be happening, which can then actually exacerbate the problem and make things difficult and more challenging for you. So if you do consider family counseling, make sure that you vet this counselor and the the guys, we just talked about this on a group call not long ago, but how to vet the counselor, how to ask

When To Get Professional Help

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them about situations about fatherhood and their beliefs and masculinity, et cetera, because we're we're uh facing some challenging times with therapy and what what the the the modern therapeutic environment looks like for men and for dads. So I just caution you in doing that. I don't and I highly recommend therapy and counseling for everybody and anybody. However, you need to be very careful and cautious in getting into it. The next part is if you have to consult a legal professional, if alienation tactics are severely impacting your relationship with your child, like your your parenting time is being restricted, et cetera, consult a consultant attorney. They can advise you what your rights and potential legal actions are to protect your parenting time in a relationship. But if you have to do this upfront, sometimes, and I've seen this happen, and uh every situation is different, but it can be a strategy. If if the the ex is somebody that uh just needs somebody to tell them that they need to stay in line, and that is an attorney or a court, it is well worth doing that early in this process so that you do not run into somebody that is going to be continually making things difficult and continuing that alienation over a long period of time. Like I said, getting in front of this is absolutely tough positively critical. And sometimes it might be upfront hiring an attorney, going to court and dealing with this. Now, the courts are not really structured to deal with this. They hate the term parental alienation. It's incredibly difficult to prove, but sometimes it is just beneficial putting that, putting your ex on notice that you're not just gonna let this happen. So, all right, that's that's a lot of information. Went a little bit longer than than I thought. I thought it was gonna be a little bit short and sweet, but again, it's just it's been something that's been coming up, and dealing with the the alienation is uh is undoubtedly a challenge. But if you if you can have some patience, empathy, and definitely a proactive approach, you can navigate uh the difficulties, maintain calm, have a positive uh demeanor, correct misinformation with care, consistently show your love and support. And by doing so, you can strengthen your relationship with your child. And just remember if you have to, seek professional help as an option if things get overwhelming. But just know your dedication and resilience as a father are crucial in overcoming these obstacles and fostering a loving, healthy relationship with your kiddos. Thank you so much for listening. I sincerely appreciate it. I hope that you found some value in this information. If you did, please share it far and wide. Giving

Final Takeaways And Share Request

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us a start rating on whatever podcast platform you're listening to or stopping and giving us a comment if you're watching or listening somewhere goes a long way in other guys finding other dads finding this podcast and this information and getting them the help that they need. Thank you so much. Have a great week and God bless. This concludes today's briefing. Remember, in the family court system, intelligence without execution is liability. Ground is lost quietly during the decision gap between your court hearings. Being unprepared is how great fathers become weekend visitors. I ensure your mistakes don't become your permanent reality. Secure your role today at the divorced advocate.com. Take the weekend visitor risk assessment to identify your exposure or book your private fatherhood protection system. Stay strong. Your kids are counting on you.