17. 3 Mistakes That Make Gentle Parenting Backfire and How to Fix Them

Do you feel like you’re drowning, trying to:
✔️be more patient
✔️respond in a calm and kind manner
✔️validate aaaaaaaaall your kid’s big feelings.

And all the while, you’re TIRED and FRUSTRATED?!

Have you lost sleep wondering, “Am I just doing gentle parenting wrong?”

It’s not you, my dear—I promise. The problem is that a lot of parenting advice out there gets some things really wrong.

As a licensed clinical professional counselor, I’ve been teaching families positive parenting strategies, gentle discipline, and calm parenting tips for over 20 years. And after studying secure attachment for decades, these are the 

3️⃣ things I desperately want every parent to know 

if they want to practice parenting without yelling while still being kind and firm.

When you finish listening, I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway! Take a screenshot of you listening, share it to your Instagram stories, and tag me, @Sustainable_Parent_Coach.

And while you’re there, follow along for more daily solutions on raising resilient kids and bring more calm confident parenting into your home. 🌿

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Transcript

[00:00:00] You're listening to Episode 17 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, Flora McCormick, Licensed Therapist and Parenting Coach. Today, we're talking about three key things every gentle parent needs to know. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different.

We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally, feel sustainable. Welcome.

I work with many parents that come into their intentional parenting from a [00:01:00] place of having experienced really hurtful things in their own childhood, things that involved Parents telling them their feelings weren't allowed or parents being very harsh and critical and judging and shaming and blaming if their behaviors were ever out of the area of what the parent wanted.

And these parents who are now the adult in the situation come to me saying, I don't want to do that. I want to be a gentle parent. I want validating, supportive, and yet. A lot of the advice that I'm trying to follow is leading me to not really feel better. Sometimes I even feel worse because as I'm holding these ideals, I'm also finding myself ping ponging between gentle mom and monster mom.

Friend, if that is you, you are in the right place. Let's dive into the solution of three key things I desperately want you to know that can solve the problems you've been facing [00:02:00] as a gentle parent. Here are the three things I want every gentle parent to know. First of all, you are not intended to be a punching bag.

Second of all, a lot of gentle parenting is missing the boat on one key aspect that is important in secure attachment. And third, there is a way to be a gentle parent that also allows you to feel secure. Less walked on, less taken advantage of, and that both you and your child get to thrive. Let's dive in.

So the first key thing I want you to know about gentle parenting is it was never intended to make you a punching bag. Gentle parenting was intended to encourage you to validate feelings and connect to the child's possible, um, unmet need under the behavior. As your first step. Approaching difficult behaviors, but not to stay there.[00:03:00] 

It's the first step, not the only step here. That friend validation is meant to be the first step, not the only step. So if a child's getting very angry and you are following gentle parenting methods to name that feeling and say, wow, you're having a big feeling. I see how upset you are. That is great as a first step.

If the child then is able to start calming down and sinking into that validation and connection to ease out of the harmful behavior, great. We want to go that direction, but if they start launching more into you with screaming or hitting you or biting you, this is not supposed to be a place where we keep validating.

This is where we need to show them that we are going to keep them and ourselves safe by giving them space to calm down. We are not meant to be a punching bag. In fact, we know in much research about parenting and the dynamics between an adult and child that children do not benefit from having a relationship [00:04:00] where they're able to be hurtful to their parent.

They feel icky inside afterwards. It does not benefit them to let them hit us, yell at us. It is better to be clear. I'm not going to be a punching bag. I will start by validating you. And if we're able to go forward, great. And if not, I'm going to give you space to calm down. Okay. Second key thing I want you to know is.

That this advice that has maybe led you to feel like you should be a punching bag came from a misunderstood place, an offshoot of gentle parenting that has taken this road of saying that what's most important is just naming feelings and. What actually is most important in attachment, my friend, is for the child to feel safe and secure with their caregiver.

And so if you have been just trying to focus on naming feelings, and [00:05:00] you get exhausted, you get worn out, you're doing it 57 times a day, and then you end up Bursting of just overwhelm and screaming at your child and saying, why are you so difficult? And this is just so hard. Why do you have to do this or something like that?

Trust me, friend. If you're doing that, it's because you're human. And secondly, that's going to be more counterproductive to your attachment. Goals than if you were to pull in your rope a little bit. I say if you keep getting to the end of your rope, I actually want you to think about shortening your rope.

Be more clear sooner in the process. Honey, I'm gonna, Val, you know I hear you. I hear you're upset, and let me be clear. If you need to scream, you're welcome to scream over here and walk away. That ability for you to follow through sooner, not later is likely going to have you be more predictable and thus more safe and the [00:06:00] child feeling more safe and secure in knowing what your boundaries are.

And what your actions are going to be when they do certain, certain behaviors. So I personally recommend for parents to tell their children that here's the deal. We're going to have a rule. If you need to hit or harm or scream, we can either have a silent hug or space to calm down. That's it. Those are your two options.

So you're not going to get into these long, drawn out battles where you're trying to validate and validate and talk and talk and calm them down and it never gets you anywhere. I think of the mom who came to me with her four year old and said, I just don't get why nothing seems to work. I just keep talking to her about her feelings and telling her, you know, honey, I hear you.

Yes. I see you're so upset. And she will just stay on this train of how everyone else needs to change and how it's everyone [00:07:00] else's fault and just get louder and the tantrum lasts longer. And so I don't know why gentle parenting isn't working. What am I doing wrong? And we got to the bottom of this aspect that it's not your job to always just validate.

We also need to be clear, safe, and secure place with boundaries that explains to the child that when this happens, this is going to be the direction we go when you are hitting, harming, or screaming. And then I am going to walk away or I am going to give you space to And guess what? The child started to have shorter upsets calming down faster and actually expressing more spontaneous loving connection to mom.

This is the biggest surprise that most parents say is this is weird. I lean more into my firmness and setting boundaries with my child. And instead of feeling like somehow there was a more distant relationship with my child, I noticed a [00:08:00] closer relationship with my child. It's like I see this light come on.

Like they love knowing that I'm responding in a clear way. And I think part of that, this is what parents tell me. Part of that is because I didn't scream at them and get to the end of my rope. I was able to just be like, I'm walking away. I did that sooner than later. And that way I was able to stay calm and them consistently knowing that that's how mom's going to react.

I see them really liking that. And randomly now I'm getting all of these, like, I just love you so much mommies. Or even I've had kids that are older, tell their parents, you know, wow, I'm so glad that you're my mom or watch other parents yelling at their kids and saying, I'm so glad that you don't yell at us like that mom.

It's a misconception that it's all about just validating feelings and instead boundaries are totally a part of secure attachment. Third thing that I want you to know is there is a way to do attachment [00:09:00] parenting that also helps you to enjoy your life as a mom or dad. Here's what you're missing friend.

It's that gentle parenting can have aspects of kindness and firmness at the same time. Say it with me friend, kind and firm at the same. Time, when you really discover and master the tools of how you can be kind and firm at the same time, it unlocks this world where, you know, you are connecting to your child first, and then you are holding boundaries in the times that you really need to do so you're doing it sooner, not later.

You're doing it with calm instead of chaos. You're doing it in a way that feels connected and clear. And that all leads to healthy attachment. If you're not sure quite how to do that friend, that's what I'm here for. As a parenting coach, I would love to connect directly with you as I work [00:10:00] one to one and in a group setting with parents who are ready to make this change.

And friend, make this another week where you're able to step into an opportunity to be kind and firm at the same time so that parenting can finally feel sustainable. See you next week.