21. The #1 Way to Start Enjoying Time With Your Kid Again

Are you worried you are destined to be annoyed with your kid for at least 5 more years?

Are you bummed that you find yourself in a cycle of starting out the day happy, but quickly in a spiral of anger or frustration.

Have you asking yourself, "Can't he just be happy and enjoy all the work I'm putting in here? I'm trying so hard."

Friend, I have been there. Big time.  And after a lot of trial and error, wasted time, and countless mistakes (lessons), I learned that this 1 simple shift made all the difference.

That’s why I’m about to spill what I’ve learned and share with you an easy shortcut to more joy.

In this Episode, I promised a chart on appropriate chores for kids of any age.  Here you go! https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/chores-for-children

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Transcript

You're listening to episode 21 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with me, Flora McCormick and I want to give you the number one best way to actually start enjoying time with your kid again. Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying that you don't enjoy your kid. I know you love this tiny human. I know that you would not be listening to a parenting podcast if you are not someone who is passionate about being the best mom or dad or caregiver that you can be.

I see you. I also see that you are tired. I see that you're likely someone who is coming to this episode because you're like, I hate to admit it, but I don't even want to be around my child some days because of the battles we're going through and that he's crying again, that I didn't get him the blue cup and that I am not playing with him every second of the day, the clinging to my legs, I am tired and that tiredness.

Gets me to a place where I am not enjoying my child and please help [00:01:00] Flora, I need to enjoy my child again. I see you. You're not a bad mom. You're not a bad dad. You're not a bad care caregiver. You are human. And what I'm going to give you today, if you can embrace it. I promise it will help. I promise it will get you to a place where you enjoy, you are enjoying being around your child again.

INTRO: Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.[00:02:00] 

We don't have any time to waste to get into this juicy material today. You know, I work with parents every single day that come to me with frustrations about their children. A mom just this week who was saying, Oh my gosh, I need help with my four year old. I am just losing it. This kid does not listen when I say no, that I can't do something for them.

I am never left alone for even a gosh darn second. Can't even go to the bathroom on my own. I am frustrated that the child wants to play with me nonstop. And anytime I feel like I've given her enough to be able to make it a good, you know, rest of the day, it's like, there's an incessant need for more. And I'm just, then I get like, Ah, I don't even want to be around you.

I am so annoyed. I'm frustrated. And then I'm mad at myself for feeling that way. A mom just said this to me and boy, can I understand being there? When I was a mom of two young kids, I completely felt that way. If you haven't heard my story [00:03:00] yet of what brought me to sustainable parenting, go back to my very first episode, the trailer.

And I tell you the story of how. I was drowning in my gentle parenting values. I was drowning trying to be patient all the time, validating, filling my child's cup, and giving, giving, giving, all the while, I started deeply resenting my child. Deeply resenting my role as a stay at home mom. And you know what?

It wasn't my child's fault. It wasn't that I just had a particularly annoying child, even though that's the thought that would for sure go through my head, you know what it was when I really looked in the mirror and faced reality, it was Flora, you're in this place because you're giving, giving, giving too much, you're doing too much for this child.

And [00:04:00] that's why you don't want to do anything else with this child. Do you feel me on this? Do you find that you are doing so much for your child, getting the plate that they want exactly, cutting the food just as they want it, taking them exactly where they want to go, laying next to them in just the right way until they fall asleep.

You do so much for your child. It brings you mentally and emotionally to a place where you don't want to be with your child.

Friend, you are not alone and you don't have to stay there. Here's what I've found to be the solution. Let's end that path and start doing less for our child so that we're more energized and interested in doing more with our child. It's simple. The [00:05:00] gateway of how we're in this problem is the gateway to how we can get out.

That's the beauty. That is the good news I have for you today, friend. What does that look like? I want to show you three key ways that I have found that I start doing less for my child so that I can enjoy more with my child. First is let's empower them to do things for their gosh darn selves. I mean, come on.

I know it's hard or here's what was hard for me. I shouldn't say this is for sure true for you. You tell me if this is true. You start out or I started out with this tiny human who can't eat on their own, can't do anything for themselves. I have to do everything. And as time goes on, it is hard for me to continue pushing myself further and further down the pathway of having them do things for themselves.

So it can be easy to end up in the place. Like, My mom as a kindergarten teacher loves to tell me the story that once [00:06:00] there was a mom who came in at the lunchtime of the kindergartners lunch and got out a bib, got out the baby food, got out a baby spoon and started spoon feeding a kindergartner. And she said, Oh, goodness, honey, yeah, that that's not what we're going to do here and had to send mom home and work on the child's independence.

But it's hard, right? We had to spoon feed them at one point. How do we keep growing into okay, now you hold the spoon. Okay, now you learn how to pour. Your cereal and milk. Okay, now you learn how to make a quesadilla. We have to keep progressing down the steps of not doing for our kids the things they can do for themselves and do it, and that only happens when we keep looking at what's the next level of how they could be more independent.

So the first thing to not do so much for them is look at what is this child probably really capable of and let's keep pushing to the next level, to the next level, to the next [00:07:00] level. If you're not sure what's developmentally appropriate that a child should be able to do in terms of chores or independence, I will provide a list in the show notes so that you can take a at those ideas and get the inspiration to know what.

Kids are capable of typically at different age levels. Okay. We're here to help. Second thing that helps me to do less for my child so that I want to do more with my child is to really set, set limits in advance for myself where I notice I'm annoyed. So if I keep getting annoyed that I have to, I say this in quotes that I have to lay next to my child all the way until they'll fall asleep, back up and maybe talk to your partner, talk to a friend and be like, no, wait a minute.

That's annoying me and I think it's a sign that I'm doing something for them that I don't want to be doing. And I'm going to let go of guilt thinking that that means I'm a bad mom and be like, I don't want to do this. So I'm [00:08:00] not going to do it. I'm going to set a boundary outside of the moment. Tell my child, Tell myself first of all, so I can hold to it, then tell my child and then follow through.

You know what, babe? New plan about bedtime. I am going to blank. You know, it might be, I'm going to do the four check ins. If you're not familiar with my four check ins theory, um, look at the podcast episode that talks about how to get bedtimes to be easier. And if you are not sure how to solve the problem that you want a better boundary on, like, Oh, I am tired of still nursing, or I am tired of making their lunches or getting them dressed or still wiping their bum.

And I don't know how to move to the next step. Friend, that's something I love to help with in parent coaching. So reach out to support. You don't have to do that on your own, get the encouragement, the accountability and be equipped in every way. So you can make that change. All it takes is going to the show notes and reach out.

We can have a clarity call [00:09:00] to discuss how that looks. And the third thing that I do so that I can do less for my child and be more interested in doing more with my child is to remember the theory that Dreyker said, a child psychologist theorist after Freud's time said, we never want to do for a child what they can do for themselves.

So all those favors we think we're doing for them by like making their lunch in the square or something just because we think that that will make them extra happy and doing it for them. And they whine and we were like, okay, honey, I'll make it better by doing it for you. We actually create our own monster.

I encourage you to use one of my favorite phrases that comes from positive discipline. I love you. And the answer is no. This is how we can be kind and firm at the same time, which is what we are all about here at sustainable parenting. I love you and. I am not going to tie that shoe for you because [00:10:00] I know you are capable of doing it.

And if they're seeming to need a connection moment with you, give that connection, give a hug, 30 seconds, 15 seconds, whatever. And then say, and now I know you can tie your shoe. Let's see it. So I love you. And the answer is no, I am not going to do things for you that I know you can do for yourself because the, the more independent that we make our children, the more we enjoy.

The time with our Children. When we have a child that is not asking you for every little thing. I need some water. I need my blankie. I want my. I want you to lay here. We then have a child that's able to do things for themselves. We enjoy being with them to play tag, to go swimming, to maybe go to the park with them when we're not so spent on using our energy, doing everything for them all day long.

Okay, friends, [00:11:00] this week's tool, the number one best strategy in order to enjoy being around your kid more is to stop doing so much for them so that you'll enjoy more time with them. And friend, as always, please let this be a week that you embrace kindness and firmness at the same time that so that parenting can finally feel sustainable.

Lastly, I want to point out that this particular week, this episode is going live. We are holding a free workshop in the sustainable parenting Facebook group, three keys to calm, confident parenting. If you would like to be in the room with me live where we are able to. talk together about this topic and cover three key areas of what I found are the magic keys to calm, confident parenting, then go to our Facebook group.

Again, that link is in the show notes, or you can just search sustainable parenting in Facebook and you will find that group and be able to register for this free event. If [00:12:00] you're listening to this episode after September 5th through 9th of 2023. We will have also in the show notes below the link to catch a free recording that is a summary of that workshop.

All right friends, can't wait to connect with you more and we'll see you next week.