22. The #1 Shift For Deeper Connection With Your Child

Do you end the day feeling distant from your child?

Are you sometimes even wondering if you have a positive relationship with your child?

I would guess you are doing so MANY things right (probably more than you even give yourself credit for).  Today, I hope to give you just a few simple ways to ensure you are building a positive connection, even in your busiest of days. 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: 

• You are not alone.
• The #1 SIMPLE way to build deeper connection.
• 3 examples of how to use this strategy.

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

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3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

INTRO: You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with Flora McCormick, licensed therapist and parenting coach of 15 years. And we're talking today about the number one way to experience deeper connection with your child. Let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the sustainable parenting podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different.

We feel that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline. That's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally feel sustainable.

Flora McCormick: Welcome. So let's dive in friend, because I know that you are here because you want a deeper connection with your child, that you look at this amazing person you created and sometimes feel sad that there's divisiveness over the boundaries you're setting, or there's big emotions that. End up being a part of your day regularly.

And in the midst of all of this, getting them dressed, getting them to start and stop doing things, you can start feeling like you're [00:01:00] missing the biggest thing you wanted out of parenting, which was a close relationship with them. And so friend, this is a really important piece that I think can help you to be feeling more connection with your child.

It's one phrase that is a mindset that I think can transform a lot and it is. Hard to do in some ways, but also very simple. The number one way to start having a closer connection with your child, to develop a deep connection with your child. is to let the small things be big. Let the small things be big.

Let's break this down a little bit. First of all, we end up making the big things big most of the time, meaning like when they're having a giant meltdown, when they're like hugely resisting us, when they are upsetting us, we then have big responses and give them a lot of our energy. Like, Oh, I'm just so frustrated with this and this is so hard.

And like, why are you making this difficult? We let those things be the big things. And a lot of the small things often get lost, like if someone asked how your day was and there was one blow up and several positives, you're probably [00:02:00] going to talk about that one big blow up. Ah, we just got in this giant fight today and it was so hard and so awful and I just was like in this total power struggle with my kid.

It was so frustrating. It is normal for our minds to go to the negative. It is psychologically proven for some dang reason that we're created that way, that we are mentally, as humans, most likely to pay more attention to negatives than positives. So one first way to start letting the small things be big is look at those small positives and give them your attention, give them notice to be able to be giving positive feedback to your kid.

So this is something I call the 80 20 flop. If we can be more boring in our consequences and our moments were upset and more excited and enthusiastic in our. Phrase of our kids that lets the small things become big. The small moments where they get their own shoes on or they quick and snappy do the thing you just asked them to do.

Notice it, catch it, let that small thing become big and your child will so appreciate that. They appreciate those small things [00:03:00] getting noticed, those small things getting compliments from you, those small things getting attention. And I want to pause for just a second and say, I know there is some advice out there that's total garbage about giving positive feedback.

It's like, I don't want to make it too much about me. We're not supposed to say we're proud of them because that's about us. We're just supposed to let them be proud of themselves. We're not supposed to make too much of a deal about anything or we're making them be like desiring external praise. Like, it's garbage, friend.

I'm bathwater. Yes, there are things we don't want to be overly just praise oriented. We don't want to just be the good job mom kind of person, like good job, good job, good job for like no clear reason. But there is evidence in many studies to show that it has positive outcomes to give good character feedback.

Wow, that was so responsible of you. Wow, that was really mature of you. I mean, just read a book last year of How to raise kids who aren't a holes. My gosh, such a hilarious title and like wonderful read, not written by a parenting expert, but written by a parenting researcher who is summarizing all of the best, most current [00:04:00] research on the hot topics of parenting that we're all worried about.

Like, how do I make sure my kid's not a bully? How do I make sure my kid's not a victim? How do I make sure that my kid is respectful, responsible, fun to be around? Um, all of these things are covered in that book. So good. And one of my favorite parts is that they, they emphasize in the book, how appropriate feedback that is specifically character oriented and not just false good jobs.

It's very meaningful and has positive correlation to positive improvements in behavior. As one of my mentors, John Summers Flanagan says at the University of Montana, what gets noticed gets repeated. What gets noticed gets repeated. So we're only giving our notice, our energy to all of those big things, like the big tantrums, the big frustrations, we're going to get more of it in some ways.

So let the small things be big. You're gonna have deeper connection, your kid feeling like they're seen by you in a positive light. If we can give attention to the small things, the small positive things. Next way I want you to let the small things be big is look for small ways to connect to your kid. I see so many parents thinking like, Oh, I feel guilty.

Cause I've been at work a lot, or [00:05:00] I've been, you know, a distracted stay at home parent. Cause I've just so much to do in the household. And so they'll try to compensate with some big gesture. Like let's go to Disneyland. Let's go to the movies. Let's go to ice cream. And then it just turns into like more of a battle.

Like, well, that's not the flavors that I wanted. They don't have my favorite flavor or here you're in this movie. You spent a lot of money on, and they're just horsing around. And they're just like throwing a tantrum right after the movie. And you're like, what? I thought this was adding to our relationship.

No friend, let the small things be big. Some studies say that as little as six minutes a day of your undivided attention can have the result of deepening connection and relationship. Just a side note here, by the way, any of you that are partnered in your work as a parent, in your time as a parent, this is true for marriage.

This actually comes from marital studies as well. Six minutes a day of undivided attention with our spouse can do a lot of good at improving that connection as well. So six minutes a day with your child can be. Coming alongside what they're playing with and just, wow. Tell me about this Lego that you built and how you've set it up with these other ones.

Tell me about that. And just listening and reflecting, not [00:06:00] judging anything, not correcting anything. It can be playing with them, the Barbies or the ponies getting outside and kicking a ball around. It can be dropped, pulling them into your hobbies. It doesn't have to be all about them. Like, Hey, I'd like to make a cake with you.

Let's do this together. I'd like to make muffins together or. Let's come outside and let me show you how you kind of can cast a fishing rod. Maybe that'll be something that we do together. It can be just something small, six minutes a day, connect to their world or pull them into your worlds. Let the small things be big.

Know that those accumulate to big improvements in connection. And the final way to let the small things be big is create some sort of ritual in your life that allows your family to build positivity together and put it on your calendar. That's the small thing that is actually going to become big in growing connection.

The small thing is I want you to put into your calendar one moment out of your week. This is especially for older kids, like four and older. One moment in your week that you are going to be dedicated to like a family meetup or a family meeting or [00:07:00] a family connection, whatever you want to call it. And in that time, what I want you to think about doing is sort of like a compliment sandwich.

If you've heard of this in conflict or workplace communication, it's that if you have to deal with something challenging, you make a positive first and then the meat of the challenging thing and then a positive at the end. So in a family meeting, what I would suggest is that you put it on the calendar.

You're going to have a family meeting, some sort of regular, maybe it's Sunday nights, maybe it's Saturday morning where you're just going to commit to about 20 to 30 minutes of. Time together. We're going to start with a compliment circle. Mom's turn. Everyone gives a compliment or appreciation to mom son's turn.

Everyone gives a compliment to son and on through the family middle thing is you do some meat of like. Working on something that maybe needs to be agreed on. Like, you know what guys, mornings aren't going so good. I'm feeling like we need to tune up such and such, like, what are our ideas for having mornings go better?

We come up with a family plan and then we end with something fun. And one of my favorite clients, Lilia said their family with older kids. Started even doing things to the degree of like inside family four square or dance [00:08:00] parties like this became something the kids really looked forward to because it was a fun bonding time starting with compliments middle working through a challenge for the family together and ending on a fun activity.

She said started to become something that whole family looked forward to every week. And it's building deeper connection. So friend, let the small things be big. Notice the small positives. Look for small ways to connect with your child, maybe just six minutes a day. And put on your calendar, just the small gesture of committing to it on your calendar to start having some family meetings, family time together, can really, really powerfully deepen your connection with your child.

And remember, this is another week to be using tools to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time so that parenting can finally start feeling sustainable.