30. How to Build Grit & Determination

Nurturing grit and determination in children is arguably one of the MOST important tasks of parenthood (and pst.  It's actually one of the hardest thing for me, personally).💪❤

By the time you are done listening to this short 10-min. episode, you will know:

⭐ What determination and grit are, and why they matter.
⭐ When to step back and let your child develop their "struggle muscle."
⭐ How to embrace the benefits of having a determined child.

With these tools in hand - we can be sure we are parenting for the BIG win, not just the quick win...so our kids are prepared for the future challenges of life. 🎉

✨Want more?

1) Use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting.

2) Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen.

3) Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Transcript

Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] You're listening to Episode 30. The number one way to build grit and determination in your kids. And this might be one of the most important topics that we've ever covered. Why is this important? Because we are talking about the big, big picture. As I once heard Kate Middleton say, who I super admire, we're looking for the big win. Not the quick win. So let's dive in.

INTRO: Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing. to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and Give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and for that reason Finally feel sustainable Welcome[00:01:00] 

I want to highlight our listener of the week who was a grandma. I love, love, love when I get to hear from grandparents who are passionate about doing their best as a grandparent and supporting their own kids in how they are parenting, um, the grandkids. So this grandma, WNZ's Gigi, it said my daughter, who is a parent to two beautiful, energetic, spirited boys told me about this podcast.

And I had to listen for myself to see what it was all about. I was very impressed with the balanced advice. Love the be kind but firm approach. Kids need loving but firm guidance to help them navigate successfully through life. The emphasis on having a plan in advance along with the importance of calmly following through is a great approach.

No doubt that parents can benefit from applying this valuable information. Thanks so much, Gigi. I love that nickname for grandma and others that are [00:02:00] listening. Please please. If you have been getting value from this podcast, remember that one of the hugest favors you can do for us is to be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and share this podcast with someone in your life who you think would enjoy it.

Now let's dive into grit and determination. So I want to start with a definition, which is a little bit cheesy, but we got to like, what are we even talking about here? What is grit? Grit is a firmness of mind or spirit, unyielding courage, In the face of hardship or danger. Absolutely. We want our kids to be able to have grit, a strength of character and will to be able to face the challenges that are going to be in life.

I mean, I don't know about you, but my life hasn't been super easy. I grew up in a single parent household. I was the youngest [00:03:00] and a poor family in a poor town. And, you know, had to make my way through difficult relationships. I was engaged once and broke that off. And luckily ended up finding my husband down the road through a trials of lots of different drama in relationships and roommate battles and just life has a lot.

Right. Jobs are hard. Uh, relationships are hard. I want my child to be able to succeed in life in that big, big, big way. And I try to really keep that in mind when I'm parenting and I'm like, kind of wish they would just be a golden retriever that would say what I say, what I want them to do, what I want them to do when I ask, or just like be very obedient.

I got to remember, hold on. I don't want just obedience that might serve them for the next couple of years, but it's not going to serve in life overall. I want my kids to have a way to have grit. and determination in that way [00:04:00] that's going to serve them in life. Now, don't get me wrong. You may be like me where you've been blessed with a child who's got lots of determination and you're like, I actually want less of that.

Please. My sweet little daughter, who is Seven and a half. My gosh, she is just a dynamo. She knows what she believes and she is not afraid to say it. She thinks her opinion is right about everything. I mean, of course, I have no idea where she got that from. It has nothing to do with her mother being the exact same way, but that is neither here nor there.

What I'm here to say is I get it. If you have a child who's very determined, And that sometimes comes out in your life in relationship with them as like them being difficult. I can see how you have named that as something that you don't want so much in your kid. However, let's remember every strength is often the other side of the coin of our greatest weakness or challenge.

So for my daughter, and frankly, for me too, [00:05:00] that strength of will has sometimes been challenging in life in our relationships, but it's also one of my greatest strengths and one of my daughter's greatest strengths that she has that determination to want to fight for her voice to be heard. And what I want that for my child, and I hope that if you have a child who's a determined type, today can be a day that you see and remember the positive part of that.

That it's going to serve them really well in life. If we can just keep channeling it towards good and not for evil. Okay. So grit and determination. What is the single thing that I want to suggest is going to make all the difference in the world of how you build that for your children. This is a big, big deal.

And I really think it boils down to this one key phrase. We have to be willing to let our kids build their struggle muscles. We have to be willing [00:06:00] to let our kids build their struggle muscles. If you are someone like me, who between that scale of kindness and firmness falls stronger on the side of kindness, that that's your natural strength is being loving and supportive.

This. Maybe that's very hard for you as it was, and still often is one of the hardest things for me in parenting. I remember when my son was about eight months old and we would try to do tummy time and I mean, we did it even earlier than that. If I'm really thinking back, you know, you start doing that as soon as they're about three months old and he would just get like, so upset when I try tummy time, he would cry and scream and get so red in the face and I personally couldn't take it.

I couldn't take watching the way that it affected him to be struggling like that. And I'm embarrassed to say it, but I'll just be honest. So I would rescue him and I would [00:07:00] turn him back over and say, it's okay. I'm glad you tried. And then I would, you know, continue to try to let him have more opportunities to struggle.

But in the long run, in the end, he never did crawl because I did not feel comfortable enough letting him build his struggle muscles. And as I moved on, when he was a toddler, he would get so upset and melt down and have big, big, big emotions of sadness and overwhelm. And I often frankly would coddle him.

I would get really, really supportive and hold him and want to like rescue him from how much it looked like that was hurting him emotionally when he would be so sad and he will be. So disappointed and distraught or overwhelmed. And I would just want to just hold him forever, even when he was screaming in my face for like long, long, long periods of time.

And it would just get me, you know, it did not serve [00:08:00] me well because I would get my blood boiling. And he never in those early years was being given many opportunities to grow his struggle muscles. It took me until he was about five, and I was staring down down the barrel of him starting kindergarten that I realized no teacher is going to be able to sit with this kid and just hug him for 20 minutes until he calms down.

And I keep seeing him not trying new things for fear of. Not wanting to get emotional about it. I kept seeing him just be so hesitant to explore, to move away from me. There was this like really clingy behavior pattern between us. And I knew that was not going to help him be very successful in kindergarten.

So I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but it took me that long to figure out, girl, you have got to figure out how to push [00:09:00] yourself a little more away from just kindness into firmness. To help him build more determination and grit. Now you can do that in a supportive way. Absolutely. You can. I just want to nudge those listeners, those moms or dads or grandmas or grandpas who are similar to me, who tend to lean way hard towards not letting them struggle much at all.

And I want you to think about what would be one step this week that would just eke yourself a little further into letting your child build some of their own struggle muscles. If they're really little, it might be continuing to to, you know, put them on their belly for that tummy time, even though they get upset and know that it's okay.

It might be that you are working on sleep training and you're, you don't have to be doing a full cry it out method. But if you're working with a sleep coach, you, it may involve a little bit of [00:10:00] them crying a bit in that process. Let's say if they wake up early and they cry a little until they fall back asleep within five minutes or so.

That's a good moment of them building a bit of their struggle muscle and their ability to self soothe. I love to help parents with adjusting sleep habits. So if that's ever something you want some support with definitely reach out. Or maybe as they're getting older, it's the sense of like, you know, I have taught him how to take some deep breaths.

I have explained to him that I want him to take some space in this little area in his room when he is super, super upset. Now it's time to actually just let him do that. Give him some space in his own room to be upset and be able to work through that upset and come back out saying, I feel calm now, mommy, I'm ready to go.

I have watched family after family be surprised at how much more [00:11:00] capable their kids are than they had given them credit for when they're like, I totally thought there was no way he was going to calm himself down. And I was just clear. We talked about it in advance about that. This was a safe space for him to be able to relax and take some deep breaths and squeeze a pillow or scream into a pillow.

And you know, when I walked away. He did it, he did his own thing. He was able to work through that emotion as a four, five, seven year old. And, and then he just came out when he was done and he just moved on and he was calm and he was more respectful and more enjoyable. And I was like, Whoa, okay. I kind of hadn't been giving him enough space to build that muscle.

And maybe it's on a playground that you see them struggling and you're like, Oh, wait, careful. Don't do it like that. Oh, hold on. Let me help you. Oh, let me help you. That was like my key word. I was always saying that to my kids. Oh, let [00:12:00] me help you. Oh, do you need my help? Oh, I can help you. And if I look back, gosh, I wish that I had just zipped my mouth closed every time I said that.

Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying let's not be helpful, but I'm saying zip that lip and don't project that you always need to be jumping in to help them, to rescue them, to not let them struggle through, find their way, because when we do that, we rob them of the chance to be able to find their own way.

And be able to have the pride and the confidence that comes from doing that. And the grit that says, you know, I've done this before. I can do it again. That's how determination and grit work together. When we let our kids build their struggle muscles, then they go into the world, being able to face challenges with more confidence and less fear, knowing they've got what it takes.

To get through the things that may come their way. [00:13:00] And I do not want to forget to mention the positive outcomes that came. So when my son was five and a half and we finally dove into giving him more opportunities to grow his struggle muscles, giving him space to calm down on his own, letting him have moments at the park or on his bike where I didn't jump in and say, can I help you with that?

Do you need my help? but I let him maybe make some grunts or, or not get it right at first, but then try again on his own. I have seen him grow leaps and bounds in confidence and in that ability to have more grit, more, more of a sense that he can face challenges less. Fear of trying new things and just been overall blown away with how much more he's enjoying life.

And I am feeling more confident that he's going, he's really getting prepared to be successful in the big, big picture of life as [00:14:00] well. So I want that for you as well. So friend today, I encourage you to look at what's. It's the one small step you could be taking to help your child build a little more struggle muscle.

If you're not sure what that can look like, that is both kind and firm, but you know, that's this episode has spoke to you that, Oh, I do know that I, I haven't quite figured out this balance, but I'm not sure how to do it on my own. Please reach out. There's a link in the show notes to set up a clarity call.

And that's what I love to help parents with. Let's walk together and establish what that would look like specifically for you and your family friend. Let this be another week that you get to utilize tools of kindness and firmness at the same time so that parenting can finally feel sustainable.