148. Turn Sassy Backtalk Into Respectful Communication

“What if sass isn’t disrespect… it’s a missing skill?”

If you have a “sassy sister” or a child with a sharp tone in your home, you’re not alone. Many parents feel stuck in daily power struggles with kids who sound demanding, disrespectful, or constantly push back.

But what if sass isn’t a character flaw… and is actually a missing communication skill?

In this episode of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, parenting coach and licensed counselor Flora McCormick shares a powerful shift that can move parents from feeling pissed off to genuinely proud of their kids.

You’ll learn a simple Positive Discipline tool called rescripting, plus a playful strategy kids love called “Bugs and Wishes.”

Instead of correcting tone over and over again, Flora explains how to teach kids what to say instead, helping them express frustration respectfully and build lifelong communication skills.

In this episode you'll learn:

• Why “sass” is often a skill gap, not a personality problem
• How to stop power struggles by teaching replacement language
• The Positive Discipline concept of “taking time for training”
• A simple Bugs & Wishes script that helps kids communicate their needs
• How this small shift helps raise confident, respectful kids

If you want practical positive parenting strategies that help you stay calm, reduce power struggles, and raise emotionally intelligent kids, this episode is for you.

BONUS: check out my interview on the Forging Forward Podcast with Adam Thorne this week where we chat kids, parental challenges and understanding child personality differences: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/forging-forward-podcast/id1456700931?i=1000752672946

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Transcript

Kindness And Firmness Together

Client Insight: Shift Your Energy

Parent Coaching Invitation

Setting Realistic Expectations

Teach Skills Not Character Labels

From Correction To Concrete Teaching

The Door-Slamming Lesson

Introducing Bugs And Wishes

Examples Kids Can Use

I-Statements And NVC

Resources And Upcoming Events

Bonus Interview And Next Topic

Subscribe And Final Notes

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Are you someone who has a bit of a sassy sister living in your home? Someone who is quick to talk back, roll their eyes, or let you know exactly why they disagree with you, then today's show is for you. And friends, stick around because I'm gonna be giving you a tool that not only took my family from a place of being regularly really pissed off by the sassy sister into a place of being super proud of her, but it also involves bugs. And you'll understand why by the end of the episode. Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. When you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, you have dependable calm and resilience built in your child. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here. First, I want to share a tip of the week from a client, and that is that a mom who I'll name Angela said, Oh my gosh, I'm really having this giant insight today, Flora, that what you're giving me is not one more thing to do, but a mental shift of where to spend my energy differently so that things go better. So it's not one more thing on my plate, it's just a shift. Instead of spending my energy so much on the fight, I'm gonna spend it more on the follow-through. And I am really excited to see Angela again in a week and see how that's impacting her life with her young boy who's been very defiant and argumentative. And friend, if you're in a space of looking for more one-on-one brainstorming accountability, a space that pulls out your top wisdom, as well as adding a few more tools you may not have considered. That's exactly what parent coaching is all about. And you can learn more about how to schedule with me in the information at the bottom of the description in this episode. All right, let's dive into talking about that sassy sister. Like I said, we're gonna end with a tool that is all about bugs and has the power to really pivot you out of regularly being annoyed or pissed off into a place where you're super proud. At least I really saw that happen in our own family and I've seen it in others as well. The first place we want to start is making sure we're parenting the child we got, not the child we ought. Meaning, let's be realistic about what we're expecting of this child. If you have a sassy little one in your home that you find rolling their eyes, saying how they think things should be in really blunt ways, telling people that what they're wearing is not good, or making comments and telling everyone how things should be done, and it feels like, whoa, girl, you have like no measure of understanding how you affect people. I want you to back up and say, well, yes, how old is this child? They just landed on the planet two years ago, five years ago, even nine years ago, whatever it may be. And so, of course, they do not yet have a very effective way to communicate their strong opinions and their strong dislike of certain things. A strength in these kids is that they have a strong sense of self. And their challenge is that they don't yet know how to maturely and effectively communicate. The shift here, friends, is to think about being sure that we're having a reasonable expectation. Of course, they haven't mastered it yet. We know many 40-year-olds who haven't mastered yet how to communicate effectively in a way that lands well for everyone around them. I mean, right? Also, we want to say because of that perspective, we're gonna shift from a character label, she is sassy, into a skill-building mindset. This is a skill that this child does not have mastered yet. And so, what does that put me in a position to do? Teach the skill, not just be reactive and defensive and argumentative back. Let's focus on skill building. After we've started with that more realistic expectation that they haven't yet mastered it and an orientation that it's our job to do the skill building, the question is how? How do I teach this? I feel like I've tried to explain it. I've been like, don't talk that way. That is rude. Don't say that. That is unkind. Gosh, you gotta be a little bit nicer. Okay, friend, if you have said any of those three things, you're nodding your head in any sort of way right now. I want you to pause and think about how that is oriented towards correction. You're focused on what is not okay about what they did. And I want you to consider a wise phrase from Montessori, Maria Montessori, who said, let's focus instead on how we can teach by teaching, not by correcting. What that looks like in this sort of situation, instead of don't act that way. That's rude, that's disrespectful, be more kind. It's being super concrete about that. To parallel it to something else, I remember a mentor of mine named Mary Ellen in the Montessori world, and she said to me, She remembers vividly as a little girl that she was constantly corrected for slamming doors. She was like, you know, yelled at and snapped at, like, why do you always slam the doors, Mary Ellen? And then one day her mother got this light bulb in her eyes, this light bulb moment, and said, wait a minute, honey, come here for a sec, and walked her through the steps. Let's grab the handle, twist it, pull it slowly towards you, untwist it, and let go. And she said, literally, she remembers her eyeballs becoming as white as saucers. Like she just had not thought of how to do it differently. When people were only criticizing her and saying, don't do that, that's awful, that's rude. She didn't know how to change. And so, of course, she didn't change. And have you seen that with your little sassy sister somewhat? Perhaps you've been telling her what not to do, focused on the correction, and meanwhile, she's standing there not knowing how else to metaphorically shut the door more calmly. So here's the tool today that involves bugs. One of my favorite ways to help a sassy sister be more articulate is to say, Hey, let me teach you a tool called bugs and wishes. And this is that when you want to tell someone that you don't like what they are asking you to do or you have a strong opinion about how something should be, try to say it with a bug and a wish. Or a bug or a wish, depending on the scenario. So for instance, that might be a girl who is more likely to say, Oh, you're the dumbest mom. That's so stupid. To be like, hey, can we try that again? I think what you meant was it bugs me when you make a suggestion like that, and I wish you'd let me solve it. Or if this is a child that seems sassy in the way of just like snapping their opinion at things, is like instead of calling your brother annoying constantly, you're annoying. You're so annoying. You could they could work on being able to say, Well, it bugs me when you are trying to be around me and my friends, and I wish you would leave us alone. And kids are capable of this, you guys. If they're young, it may seem a little bit like it takes them a bit to warm up to this, but typically that simple framework really lands. And if they're older, they might tell you it's a little baby-ish. That's fine. My daughter did when she was eight, and I was like, that's fine. You don't have to use those exact words, but make it your own. Or if you want to learn the more grown-up version of it, it's an I feel statement. And she was like, Oh, yeah, we learned that from the school counselor. I was like, Oh, cool, love it. Okay, so this stuff is getting taught in schools. The the adult version of an I statement is I feel blank when blank, and I'd like or I'd rather blank. That's the grown-up version of bugs and wishes. So I feel blank. You have to actually say a feeling word. It can't be I feel like you're annoying. That's not a feeling, that's a label. So I feel sad when you give direct, concrete information when you are around me and my friends. And then I'd like or I'd rather that you leave us alone. Those three parts are effective communication. This is what we call in marriage nonviolent communication. And it's so important. It's deep in so much psychology about healthy communication in the workplace, in marriage, in so many relationships. So let's teach it to our kids. Again, if many 40-year-olds are still learning this at business conferences or marriage counseling, then of course let's not be upset that our kids haven't mastered it at two, seven, or nine. And let's equip them with some language which I call rescripting. If you'd like a PDF on this, I've got a link to that in my show notes for this week's episode. And I want to highlight that I have several upcoming events where you can be interacting with me in a live workshop. And information to sign up about that is available in the show notes as well. Friend, I hope this gives you a way to be able to lean into kindness and firmness at the same time so parenting finally feels sustainable. By the way, something a little extra bonus this week is I was interviewed on the Forging Forward podcast, which is led by a male therapist here in my community. And if you'd like to hear the interview of him asking me some dad questions about parenting, please go to the link in the description of this episode and check that episode out with the Forging Forward Podcast. And join me next week as we are gonna dive into that topic that that lovely client had insight on this week and gave me the idea to share more with you in a deeper way, which is how we can save our energy and use it more on follow-through instead of on the fight. Alright, guys, see you then. Also be sure you subscribe to the podcast so that you regularly get the downloads each week and don't miss a single tool and strategy to be parenting with more kindness and firmness at the same time so parenting finally feels sustainable.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.