End Sleep Crutches: A Kind And Firm Plan For Peaceful Bedtimes

Bedtime shouldn’t feel like a nightly hostage negotiation, but sleep crutches can sneak in fast. One more snack. One more kiss. One more trip to the bathroom. And before you know it, you’re spending hours managing a routine that keeps expanding while everyone gets less sleep. 

I’m Flora McCormick, a licensed therapist and parenting coach, and I’m walking you through how to spot the sleep crutch that’s driving your bedtime battles and what to do next with kindness and firmness.

We dig into why these patterns are so sticky: your child’s brain learns, “I need this external thing to fall asleep,” and every time we provide it, the belief gets stronger. The goal here isn’t harsh discipline or letting fear run the show. It’s helping your child build the muscles of falling asleep and returning to sleep on their own.

And for more details on this practical roadmap, check out our episode on "Sleep Strategies to End Bedtime Battles": https://sustainableparenting.com/how-to-end-bedtime-battles-and-get-your-nights-back/

Friend the outline for today is simple. 

1. Be willing to suffer with a purpose (because change can be hard before it gets better), 

2. Create a three-step plan your child can follow when they feel scared or restless,

3. Use a "teach, practice, praise" system so the skill actually sticks. 

I also point you to a free progressive muscle relaxation tool that I share with clients because it works, especially for kids who struggle with nighttime anxiety.  Here it is! https://youtu.be/cDKyRpW-Yuc?si=uyRn8p_rpNICTsy_

And don’t miss next week’s guest conversation on ADHD and why the real issue may be executive functioning more than “attention.” 

Subscribe, share this with a tired parent friend, and leave a review so more families can find calmer nights.

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Transcript

Sleep Crutches And Bedtime Battles

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey friend, as we are heading into August, today we're talking about sleep crutches and those things that can be either bad habits from the kids, complaining about needing one more thing, or it could be sleep crutches that we've fallen into, giving them 15 more kisses. I want to help you today to parse out the sleep excuses either coming from your kids or coming from you that are keeping you from a peaceful, easy bedtime. Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here. So sleep is one of the top issues that I am always blown away with people's before and after stories. Before stories usually sound like we've been battling this for weeks or sometimes even months, and it just feels like we've tried everything and nothing changes. We are spending hours either arguing with a child who's anxious about the dark or about being alone, or we are staying there coddling every need that they have for cuddling with us, or we are going back and forth to the bathroom or just the refrigerator to get the thousand snacks they ask for. These can become crutches that make it exhausting. And friend, the afterstory that just shocks me every time almost. I keep thinking it can't really be this easy. Like so many people are better within two days that it just I keep thinking there's gonna be someone who it takes a lot longer for it to be better, but it hasn't happened yet, friend. People that I work with that have kids that are in that age group between two and eight solve their sleep problems often within two days. That is literally the average. The after story is always, oh my gosh, I can't believe we didn't do this sooner. Oh my gosh, we are finally like having fun with each other, laughing, having a glass of wine, or I'm actually going back to that dance class or yoga class that I wasn't being able to do, or I'm getting to do pickup basketball. Folks, the before is awful. The after can just have so many dividends of more energy for yourself and your child because when they're not getting to sleep on time, they are also losing important sleep that they need to be able to be their best. So let's get into what causes people to go from this before to this after within an average

What A Sleep Crutch Reinforces

SPEAKER_00 2:43

of two days. My friend, it is naming and eliminating the sleep crutch. So if you don't know, a sleep crutch is basically anything external, could be rocking, could be being next to them, or another snack or kiss that a child feels they need in order to fall asleep. The brain creates a pattern that says, I need this thing in order to fall asleep, but then it's a self-fulfilling cycle. Every time you give that thing for them to fall asleep reinforces, yes, indeed, I cannot fall asleep without this, which creates the battles that you're so frustrated by, where they're like, but I have to have you come back. I need to have that one more snack. We do not want to be always accommodating these things that can start to get in our nighttime rhythms, or our child does not learn the muscles of being able to put themselves to sleep and the ability to fall back asleep. Important note here: if you have a child who is both difficult to go to sleep and is waking up a lot in the middle of the night, you need to know that one of the most common things that parents are missing is that how a child falls asleep is how they fall back asleep. If they are used to you being there all the way until their eyes have gotten so drowsy they drift off, then you leave the room. Guess what? That's why they keep coming to your room and pulling you back into their bedroom during the middle of the night because they feel like they need you again to fall back asleep. How a child falls asleep is how they fall back asleep. So, how can we break these sleep crutches? First and foremost, my friend, if you are ready to go from the pre-story of miserable and spending so much time to the afterstory of having time to yourself and time with your partner, then this is the number one thing you need to change.

Suffer With A Purpose

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Be willing to suffer with a purpose. I talk about this in many different avenues. When we are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, it does often require some amount of suffering, but it's different than suffering in circles. We can choose to suffer with a purpose, or we can choose to suffer in circles. Suffering in circles is what happens when you are leaning into that crutch and always using that to make things better. Suffering with a purpose is like doing that PT, getting those muscles strong again so that you can be independent. So, friend, be willing to suffer with a purpose. Say to your partner, whatever we decide to change this crutch, it is going to get worse before it gets better. It is going to be hard. We cannot expect that somehow it's going to seamlessly, without any tears or out any sadness, be changed. So change does take a little bit of suffering, but I believe it will be suffering with a purpose. Number two, thing that needs to change if you want to end sleep crutches, is

Build A Three Step Sleep Plan

SPEAKER_00 5:45

teach your child how to fall asleep or back asleep. Make a three-step plan with them that you're gonna do these three things when you're having a hard time falling asleep or you're feeling scared of the dark in order to go to sleep. That might include that you have a little quarter sippy cup of water next to their bed if they get thirsty. Could include that they have a froggy potty next to their bed so they can go to the bathroom without having to go down the dark, scary hallway. But it also can include things like counting the twinkly stars that they may have reflecting on the ceiling of their room if you have one of those little star machines. It may include telling themselves their favorite episode of bluey from start to finish until their mind can wander off of the scary thing. So teaching them how they can basically like change the channel from their fears of the dark to telling a bluey story, or teaching them how to do progressive muscle relaxation. I am going to put a link in the show notes to a tool that I'm always giving to my clients that helps kids to fall asleep. And it is a child reading a process of eight minutes going from your head down to your toes of flexing a muscle and relaxing that muscle, and then flexing the muscle and relaxing the muscle as you breathe in and out. And this is one of the best evidence-based strategies for improving the ability to fall asleep. So, friend, I will link that in the show notes. It's a free tool that I'm usually sharing with my clients because I've seen it work time and again and even had it work, especially with my own son, who had a lot of difficulty being able to fall asleep on his own.

Teach Practice Praise And Rewards

SPEAKER_00 7:27

So, first, be willing to suffer with a purpose. Second, have a plan with your child of the three things they can do to fall asleep or fall back asleep that do not involve you. And teach, practice, and praise that plan. So the third part is teach, practice, praise, a repetition system that I recommend for all of the different areas we're we're working on with our kids. But here's how it applies in the area of sleep crutches. Teach the replacement of how they can fall asleep on their own, that three-step plan that you make with them, then practice it. We're not going to be able to do it if we've just talked about it in a way that it was explained. Kids need to experience something, not just have it explained. So that means let's lie in bed, let's walk through practicing those three things with them so that they feel it in their body. Then let's have a plan for how to praise when it goes well. And you could create a system here. I do have an episode where I lay out what I recommend terms of like a four-check-in system and how that can have rewards. I'm going to link that in the show notes. But the point is, have a plan of how you may say when you stay in bed and get yourself back to sleep, then you can have a show with your breakfast, or then we can have a three-minute dance party together in the morning, or then you can, you know, have a smoothie instead of just toast for breakfast or whatever types of things that would be meaningful to your child. You can make a plan that there will be a reward and then give it attention. When they do great in the morning, be like, yay, oh my gosh, it's like you're seven already. This is incredible. You're doing so great. You're learning how to get yourself to sleep. And I hope you're very proud of yourself, honey. So teach, practice, praise is part three. So, friend, be willing to suffer with a purpose. It may be hard before it gets better. Second, make sure you have a three-step plan. And three, make sure you teach, practice, and praise that plan. You can quickly get into not being a slave to these sleep

Coaching Offer And Next Week Preview

SPEAKER_00 9:39

crutches. And friend, if you try it and you're like, I must be missing something, then you may need some personalized coaching to really fine-tune this process to specifically meet your child where they're and your own life unique situations. I'd love to help you through that. And you can set up a clarity call with me that is also linked in the show notes. All right, friends, for now, I hope this helps you to be kind and firm at the same time so parenting again feels sustainable. And I can't wait for you to join me with my guest next week, who is an expert in ADHD and is giving us incredible insight to the reframing of how experts are looking to change the title, even that it's not about attention so much as it is about executive functioning skills. Friend, you are gonna be blown away with the content in the next session. I was just so grateful for my conversation with our guests, and I think you will be too. See you then. Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.