One Well Widow

Break Through the Chains you put on Yourself. Interview with Katrina Lelli

March 06, 2021 kathi Season 2 Episode 8
One Well Widow
Break Through the Chains you put on Yourself. Interview with Katrina Lelli
Show Notes Transcript

You can take control of your life, today!  This podcast is about a Mom's journey to getting sober.  Katrina Lelli, https://www.instagram.com/katrinalelli/ creator of the Sober Mom's Guide helps women live fully sober and finding joy, contentment and purpose!  She shares her story and how we use several things to help us fit in.  Her choice was alcohol to fit in, feel numb and protected.  She teaches strategies to move forward being sober and rejoining life.  She also explains red flags to identify the motivation behind drinking.   We live in culture where alcohol is associated in many social situations.   Break through ANY chain that is preventing you from your future.  Your wortth is NOT based on external things and people.  Love your best self, NOW! Get more resources at https://www.onewellwidow.com/home

Unknown:

Welcome to one well widow, a podcast to empower and advocate for widows moving forward. My name is Kathi Gerke Balasek, teacher, Coach, mome of five, and yes, the big W. We are checking the boxes here and having your circumstances define us. Where you are now in widowhood is not who you are or what you will become. In this podcast, we will explore ways to move forward, teach others how to treat us, hear from widows, guests, sharing their stories, and discover some wit, wisdom and fun along the way. Grief is grief, no matter how you spin it, it can define you, destroy you, or strengthen you. So let's choose strength to walk forward together. And let's play it forward. Hello, everyone, and welcome back. So today, I have the privilege of interviewing Katrina lelli. Katrina is a sober mom guide, where she helps moms who are sober navigate the now what, as the creator of the DUI process, she helps women identify and remove what is blocking them from discovering their true purpose and happiness. Katrina wants moms to know they are already equipped with everything they need, and that they're not alone in doing this thing called life. She's been in the personal growth space for over 10 years. Katrina walked into sober life 10 years ago, and has been in recovery from addiction, codependency and learning what it really means to love yourself. Katrina is also a mom to three step mom to one breaking toxic generational ties, and uplifting her kids to live life to the fullest. She has always had a heart to teach. And it was about seven years ago when she realized that she wanted to teach women how to not only love yourself as you are, but to break free from the chains that you put on yourself. She really believes that you deserve to live a life where you feel empowered and thrive. Well, hello, Katrina, how are you today on this Monday? I am fabulous. I'm super excited and grateful to be here with you. Awesome. So I've been really looking forward to this conversation because I think some of the things that you do in personal growth and all the things with helping women we share. But let's first start out with you know, tell everybody a little bit about you where you're from some specifics. Yeah, absolutely. So I reside in Washington State on the western side of the state, where you know, the clouds in the rain like to hang out. But it's beautiful here. I love it. I've been married to my husband for 12 and a half years. And between us we have four children. We have our oldest stepdaughter, my son, she's my stepdaughter, Haley, she just turned 15. So we have a driver in the house. And it's kind of weird, but oh my gosh, whole new stage. And we have twins that are 12. And then we have a two and a half year old little boy. And we've lived here. Both of us have lived our whole lives. We love being outside. I am a sober mom guide. I help moms who are already sober kind of navigate that now what? It's not what I've always done, but I always known that I've wanted to help women in some way. And so I'm incredibly excited that I get to do that and get to watch these ladies like take control of their lives and change their lives. Awesome. I love that. You know, Katrina and I we met in this mastermind with Chris and Laurie harder. And I think it's really fabulous when women continue to learn and grow. And they decide where they're best spent where they want to be service of others. And I just admire Katrina for for keeping what women need at heart. And so you've been in that kind of personal growth for women, that space for about 10 years. Tell us tell us a little bit about that. Absolutely. So I've been sober for the last 10 and a half years. I'll be 11 here in May and You know, it was not an easy journey at first, I also grew up in an alcoholic home myself with plenty of childhood type of trauma alone just in that. And I, I first stepped into the personal growth space when I went to rehab and when I started going to recovery meetings, and that's where my first taste of like finding out first of all, that there was nothing necessarily wrong with me. I wasn't broken, I wasn't unfixable. But that's where I found that there was a solution for my problem, which was alcoholism. And it was a time in my life where, you know, I hadn't lost everything, you know, you hear stories, and people assume that you have to lose everything, or you have to be that that homeless person underneath the bridge with a bat, you know, paper bag in their hand drinking, and I was the mom who just couldn't not drink. When I woke up, I thought about it. When I went to bed, I blacked out, I was a blackout drinker from day one, I couldn't not not drink. And it didn't matter that I had 18 month old twins at home, it didn't matter what anybody said to me, You know, I had to hit my own rock bottom, which really wasn't on the outside looking in a rock bottom, it was just I'd had enough, you know, I'd had plenty of circumstances in my life that would have said otherwise, you know, being arrested. Getting in a crash of sorts, you know, I'm just getting into trouble in many different ways. But for me, you know, my rock bottom was a fine argument with my husband. And I'd had enough, you know, and I didn't get sober right away when I started attending recovery meetings, but it took just a little while. And where I was finally able to surrender and say, Okay, I need some real help. For me, I had to go away to treatment for 28 days and get the help that I needed. Wow. What, what adversity that you've gone through? I appreciate the vulnerability in you telling this story and using this story to help other women. I think, I think women, whether you're a mom, a career person, you know, a professional, whether, you know, when you my case, I help widows, we get to that point where we have all of these expectations on us. You know, we want the world to think that we are the super women, right? Yep. And there are so many things that manifest in other bad behaviors that don't help us. So when tell us a little bit more about sort of a little bit of background so people can understand why you why drinking? Why, you know, was it the social side of drinking that you loved? Was it the numbing of the drinking? Was it you know, where did this all start? Do you think? Yeah, absolutely. I want to touch real quick and say, I think one of the biggest lies that we tell ourselves is that we're alone, and nobody else will understand. And, you know, that's kind of what I had in my head. My victim story was my dad leaving me at 14 years old, leaving our family for another family. And, you know, my parents both did the best they knew how to, with what they had, I have have not always believed that that took some work to believe. But for me, I had always felt like an outsider. I always felt like nobody truly would under understand me. You know, my mom even remembers me in sixth grade struggling with not ever feeling like I ever truly fit in. And I think we all experienced this in different ways in in different times during our life. Like even with I mean, I've never lost a loved one a spouse, but I can imagine like, going through grief because I've been through grief before like you just you're gonna think everybody else there's no way they can understand your situation. There's no way they can quite get it. And we begin to spiral and that's what I did. I began to spiral nobody else would truly understand and more than anything, I just wanted to fit in I wanted to feel good all the time. And I was that chameleon you know, especially through high school I was that chameleon Who would I would change and be who I needed to be dependent upon the group I hung out with, you know, having all which mask Do I need to pull out today? Is it you know, is it the girlfriend mask of the drummer is it you know, the nerdy girl the band girl like who was the mask that I needed to pull out to fit in never feeling completely comfortable in my own skin? You know, and based upon having different types of trauma happened in my own childhood, not just from having alcoholic parents, but as a result That and other instances that happened, you know, you'd learn to morph into what you need to keep yourself numb and protected. And I didn't know it at the time, but that I was just trying to protect myself, I was just trying to survive and get through what I thought was my life. And I didn't know how to truly just be present and be here and be with my life and embrace who I was. And so that's why I drink I drank because because my parents were alcoholics because my dad left. But because I really didn't feel good in my own skin and know how to love me, I was always the fixer, I was always that kid that would get in the middle of her parents fights, or I'd always get, you know, try to, I always put people before myself. That's what I learned. And, you know, especially as women, we learned to do that, I think, at a very young age. And, you know, that was a big piece of it. That's incredible. Some things that you said, were just like, I was like, I have so much to to say of, of this, because it's so relatable to so many women, you know, that fitting in, I just want to numb out and feel good, you know, and really, I was just protecting myself, you know, I wanted to be the fixer, the pleaser that you know, and so much of that. As women, you're right, we put on ourselves. And so when we find ourselves in life in a different scenario, marriage loss, grief, that doesn't fit the norm. I think we we choose a bunch of behaviors, just to stay protected, just to not, you know, worry about it. Yeah. Go ahead. We're also taught you know that emotions are not normal. They're not okay. They're not safe. I mean, if you look at the narrative in the world today, it is, you know, there's a big culture out there around wine. And being paranoid like that, you're taught that, Oh, you don't feel good here, have a glass of wine or go have a drink. That's what we're being taught rather than, you know, using tools that are supportive in helping us understand their emotions and move through them. Because if we don't move through them and grow through them, they're going to stay in within us and they're just going to build up they're going to compact until you are completely numbed out. And you know, it, it doesn't matter if you're an alcoholic or not. But if you're, I always say, What is your motivation behind drinking? Like, why are you going to go have that glass of wine? Or that beer? Or whatever it is your drink? Why? What is the motivation behind it? Are you looking to check out? If you're looking to check out? Check your motive? Check that motive, like what is? Why do I feel the need to check out today? Because I don't have anything against people who drink I know that for me, personally, I know what's going to happen. If I were to pick up a drink, I'd have like 25 more. Like that's just the way I do it. And because I believe I have that second, you know, piece to it that allergy but I don't have a thing against people who drink it's just why do you drink? Why are we making it? Okay, like that's the only legal drug substance that is just glorified. And it makes my heart sad. Hmm. I think that's really key is, you know, what is your motivation for drinking or what is your motivation for self sabotaging in a different way, what whatever that is, you know, for, you know, just with with drinking, and for me, you know, I love a cold beer, I love to golf, and I love activity and things like that. And afterwards, I just love a cold beer. But I've learned through my grief, that I'm a one drink limit, because my motivation at first is to just chill and enjoy my friends. But if I go past one, I am just sad, lonely, and I go down that, you know, widow spiral of sadness again. So, you know, knowing those limits. I think it's key you use you talked a little bit too about, you know, learning to love yourself and some of the blocks that that are preventing that. Can you can you tell us a little bit more about that? Yeah, I you know, we're also this is another big narrative out there about you know, selfishness and being selfish. And it's selfish to put yourself first and love yourself. And you know, one of the things I tell my clients all the time, it's like, selfish people. First of all, don't ask if this is selfish, or they don't worry about whether this is selfish, a selfish thing to do. And, you know, those blocks were, I was taught myself I was taught, you know, to put other people first that's a that's, I think that's a whole thing with women and what things are, are done. And so, oh, I'm supposed to take care of everybody else before my before myself. But I learned that thinking that there was something wrong with me. And it's not because anybody in my life necessarily did it on purpose. But, you know, we all form our beliefs, our core beliefs, by around the age of eight, we still add beliefs as we go along. But when we get down to the bottom of those things, those beliefs, core beliefs are somewhere in our childhood. And it's based upon experiences that we had. And I mean, my cousin was one of my very best friends growing up, but we had fights we fought, we were kids. And sometimes it was this half of the playground against that half of the playground. And sometimes I felt like there were more on her side than my side. And so you know, there's a story, I would tell myself that I'm not good enough. I'm not, I'm not worthy to be loved. So what are those stories, I'm telling myself, and if those stories are repeated enough, in throughout my life, then then you begin to believe those stories. And so I didn't think I was good enough. And then it was reinforced. When my mom told me, I was a little bi Tch, when I was a certain age, because of whatever she was going through. And then it was reinforced again, when my dad abandoned me. And I didn't feel love, you know, and it was reinforced in many different ways that I'm not good enough. And I think the core stuff around all of it is, you know, if we hear somebody tell us something, when we're a child in whether whatever their intention is behind it, usually it's not, you know, not always bad. It's not. trauma is not always what people think it is. It's not the outright like, Whoa, that's traumatic. But it's what it what did I make that mean, if a teacher gave me a C, instead of an A, like, I thought, what did I make that mean, but I wasn't good enough. And most of us, all we want to do is be loved, heard and seen. Oh, I just, I'm loving this conversation, because I just know, there's so many women out there that are feeling the same way that you're feeling and, and they don't feel worthy. They, they were told things or they started saying things to themselves, and it's just lived on total replay. For years. And it's hard to get that out of out of our head. You know, I love that you said that, like a grade and what a C meant. And it reminded me of a quick story when, you know, I grew up, I was never a great student. And my siblings were, but my parents never, you know, they never paid us for grades, they never rewarded that way. And, and my dad would say to me, if a C is your very best than a C is great with me. But if it's not, then we have a problem because I always want your best. And you know, I always remember that with grades because now as as a professor, a grade identifies people or a word can identify your worth. And I think we've really gotten in that pattern of choosing a word or a phrase to help identify us. And I think it can really, really wreak havoc on us. Yeah, it's, it's teaching us early on that our worth is based upon an outside thing. When our worth is based upon the fact that you are living and breathing and your child, you're worthy just as you are. There is nothing that you do or don't do doesn't mean that you're not worthy. And we try to teach my husband and I try to teach our kids. It's a tool that we learned, it's like, looking at things. It's not good. It's not bad. It's not necessarily right or wrong. Now, I'm not talking about extreme things here. I'm just talking in general, like, it's not good, bad, right or wrong. It's just what is. So what do we want to do with it? You know, rather than making people right or wrong, or good or bad, and it is tricky with grades, because you know, there's a lot placed on grades, if you want to go to college if you want to do other things. And it's like, Okay, I'm okay, as long as like you said, I'm okay as long as I'm, you're giving your best but when I know you're not giving your best, then we do have our problem, then we talk about it more. And then eventually my kids are not quite old enough yet, but we're gonna have to start looking at, like, if you want to go to college, then we're gonna have to do something different. But, you know, we're just taught that our worth is based upon outside people, places and things. And it truly isn't. No, it really isn't. And that's a lesson that is not learned overnight. You definitely get to practice it and learn it and you know, it helps to With a coach and do that kind of thing. But it's when you can grasp that your whole life will change. Oh, I so agree. I so agree, you know, you've talked so much about loving yourself, you know, your best self. And, you know, paint a picture of, of your scenario when that switch was when you started to learn to really love yourself, and then change in some of the things that you were working through. Yeah, it definitely was, you know, when I first started getting sober, that was the first trick, you know, of learning that I was worthy. But then it just took more work in uncovering like going, I went through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and did that. And so that was a little more uncovering, and a little more digging. But for me, it wasn't until, you know, I had done some other personal development programs. And that was some more digging and uncovering, but it wasn't until I met one of my more recent coaches, and that she helped me really dig deeper into that inner child. And this is what I like to call the emotional sobriety piece that we don't touch in some areas of our life. But it's, it was, it's honestly, where I've been able to truly accept who I am, and really love myself was probably within the last three to four years, just really love and know that all of who I am is amazing. And it was when I was able to stop playing the victim, and start and stop. Now I don't I still go there. Because you know, it's 30 some odd years of stuff. But when I started to truly step up and take ownership of my own life, like, this is my life, I get to do what I want and be who I want. So who is that person? And it's all within us. It's just a matter of uncovering it. So it's been within the last three to four years, when I started working with a coach one on one and doing it, you know, going in and doing that inner child work. And, you know, using affirmations, I love affirmations and doing mirror work. Excellent. I just love this. So I'm going to go back to a little bit like before, you know, you you teach about being sober, you teach about, you know, what does that look like after? You know, but how about some red flags? You know, if, if there is a woman listening to this, that is, is using alcohol for different motivations? What would be some of those red flags that they may need? may need to get square with in the mirror? Yeah, I would start paying attention to how often you're drinking and how much you're drinking. And pay attention to your thought process around it. You know what, like I said earlier, what is my purpose behind this drink? What is what am i wanting to escape from? Or am I just wanting a glass of wine? Because it sounds good. You know? What, what are those red flags? How often what is happening when I do drink? I mean, that's what we really identify is what happens when I do drink? Do I get sad? I get depressed, I get angry? Am I am I making text messages I normally wouldn't make when I when I'm not drinking? am I choosing to get in the car and go drive? You know, what are the choices I'm making? after following that, that alcohol? And those are really like the red flags? Are you? Are you calling in too sick to work? Are you canceling plans? That's a big one too. Like, are you starting to hide out from your life? Oh, that is just so valuable to really recognize that, you know, what's your motivation behind it? What choices are you making because of it and really becoming aware of the times and the length and the behaviors that manifest from it. Because, you know, whether it's alcohol or something else you're doing, you know, it's like that diet, I want to start every Monday and it's like by noon I'm on the couch, you know, wanting to have fast food and watch Netflix, you know, and it's just like I I fall back in, you know, to patterns and patterns habits you know, as well as I do are very hard to break. So tell tell people how, how you could help them. You know, what do you do in your business specifically for that sober mom? Yeah, so for that sober mom. I really like to help the moms that have that have some sobriety under their belt. And what I am working on is a group coaching program because a lot of The women that come to me want to be in community. So right now I do have a free Facebook group for moms who have been sober for a year or longer. And we are focused on positivity, high vibe forward thinking, we don't talk about drinking, we don't talk about relapse, because we're not there. We're not living there, we need to remember what happens when we drink alcohol. But we're not living in the past. And so I take them through my eye, it's a little play on words, but I take them through my DUI process. And that's discovering, what is my life look like right now? What's working? what's not working? You know, what are the things that need some changing and then we uncover, we get to the root issues, we get to those limiting beliefs, we begin to, to do some of that inner child work, you know, figuring out where are these things coming from? What are the beliefs I need to change, and then we ignite, we set you on a beautiful path, the path that you're dreaming of. And we we equip you with the tools to live your best life to live happy, purposeful, and free, truly free, breaking you free of those change of your mind. Oh, I just, I'm just eating all of this up, because I share in that concept of community. You know, we feel like we're alone. You know, when you when you join a group course, there is such a collaborative community with like minded people. That is the growth, I think is so much quicker and faster and more meaningful. I love that you said that your group this course, is it's high vibe, and forward thinking, you know, I feel that a lot of groups or Facebook groups, it's just so negative and back in being a victim and, and I don't mean that, disrespectfully, I played the victim for years. I hid my problems for years. Yeah. But if you want growth, that forward thinking is huge. It is, it really is. And there's so many sober mom groups that I'm in. And there is a time and a place in your life for that, especially if you're just trying to get sober. But I saw the need for those moms who've been sober, they figured out how to not drink. Maybe they've done some work, maybe they haven't. But there's, we've got like it, why don't we get sober. I didn't, I didn't get sober just to get sober. Like, I knew there was more for me in life. And so I was craving that and I went seeking. And so I want to I want to create that space for those moms who are seeking that, who are at that 234 I mean, Fine, whatever your mark, but they've figured out like, I didn't get sober just to get sober. You know, and we ended up we ended up living a life, whether you're as truly alcoholic like I am, or whether you've had a problem with drinking, and you've stopped, like, you still made decisions about your life, under the influence of something. And maybe that those decisions don't sit well with you now. So let's help you like move through those and create something and live the life that you want to live. Exactly, exactly. I love this. Because, you know, the same thing that I'm doing with widows is it's not about you know, when they first lost their husband or when they, you know, they went through grief therapy and counseling and all of those things. I want to help people who are ready to build a beautiful life forward. Yeah, doesn't mean we're forgetting our past doesn't mean we're not taking the great things and the lessons from it. But there comes a point, just like you said, where you have to do the work to move forward. Yes. And I think it's more fun. It's it's Yes, it's work, but it's exciting. Your imagination goes wild, you can build the lifestyle of your dreams. Yeah. You know, and I think it's a very infectious space for you and I to get to share. Oh, it absolutely is. I you know, I just my focus is on sober moms. But I think the work but the work we're both doing is so important. And I think anybody doing that kind of work, it's just it's so needed in our world. You're living this life you get to show up and have a magical life if you want. You know, I believe in magic and people look at me like I'm crazy. But you know, I I just know the beauty and wonder that is of the world and I want to experience it all and I want so many people to experience that same thing. Absolutely. I heard something recently that they said you know, quit, quit hoarding your talents. You know, You know, Katrina is talented, educated, thoughtful, knowledgeable about your path forward. And she's not hoarding those talents and gifts anymore. She's sharing it with with you. Katrina where where can people find you? Where are you hanging out? And how can they reach out and connect to you to get your help? Yeah, absolutely. I am always hanging out over on Instagram and the stories at my name just My name is Katrina Lelli. I'm also like really enjoying tik tok right now if you guys are tik tok people. That's been a lot of fun. Also, just that Katrina Lelli. And you guys, that's the easiest spot to hit me up. I do have a a website, Katrina Lelli, it's not the mo t updated right now. But you ca always find me there as we l. I love that so many options for people to reach out. And even your last sentence. It's like, you can reach me here, but it's not all updated. We don't have to have everything perfect in life, right? No, no, we show up that first step. Just take it no matter how crazy or messy or imperfect it looks like. Because, you know, perfection is a bore. Just FYI, to all women listening. It's It's fun to not have it just right yet. You mentioned something about magic. You know, in my interviews, I always ask one of my final questions. And it is if you could wave a magic wand for all the women you come in contact with? What would you wish for them to feel completely free, confident, and so passionate about who they are, they show up as they are all the time. It doesn't matter if they feel messy that day, if they're emotional that day, but they just show up and they do not hide. I love that. I love that. Well, thank you so much for your time, your lessons, your experience, your willingness to step up in your life, to be of service for others. That is such a bright light that you you radiate without saying a word. It's such a wonderful beacon, I think for people to follow. And I've I've admired your journey. I've learned a little bit more about you, as we've known each other these past, you know, five months. And I just really want to thank you for the light you're bringing to this world. Thank you so so much. I receive all of that. And I'm just grateful. I think what you're doing is amazing. And I am grateful to be on the journey with you. Thank you, Katrina. I hope we do this again soon. Because I am not a one and done type kind of gal. We get we get a lot more conversations with women as we go forward. So I hope you'll come back and talk with us again. Okay, cheers to you today. Have a gorgeous week. YouTube. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening today. My wish for you is that this podcast gave you a perspective of hope, a bold action to take and mostly moved you toward that brave, beautiful, divine soul that I know you are as your sister. When you heal, we all heal. And I am your biggest fan and I want to grow with you. Reach out to me, I would love to connect with you. If you need more strategies hope inspiration action steps just for widows. Join my text message community. text the word Sister 25302036273. I will text you a ray of sunshine throughout the week that helps you keep on the path of hope and healing. So until next time, I hope you take one step toward finding your true self. Blessings to you all. Cheers.