Have you ever found yourself grappling with unmet expectations in life or relationships? Have you ever wondered why those expectations exist and how they could be managed better? I, Michael Maassel, will take you through my personal journey of understanding and managing expectations in various aspects of life, like personal development and recovery. We'll shed light on how expectations can lead to resentment and how communication becomes crucial in managing these expectations. You'll also explore how to handle expectations in situations that are seemingly out of your control, like dealing with banks.
In the latter part of this engaging discussion, we'll focus on how to shape ourselves into better humans through self-awareness and effectively managing our expectations. We'll also touch upon the role of friends in our lives and how we sometimes may have expectations of them. This episode is a sincere attempt to help you introspect about your expectations, whether they are realistic or not, and how you can manage them better to avoid unnecessary resentments. Let's embark on this enlightening journey together, aiming to build better humans.
For over 50 years, Harmony Foundation has worked as a nonprofit to serve those seeking recovery from substance addictions. Our residential and intensive outpatient programs are in a collaborative and respectful treatment environment with multiple specialty tracks offering additional support. Our main campus is nestled on a 43-acre campus in the Rocky Mountains just outside of Estes Park, Colorado, that promotes physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. With one of the most robust alumni programs in the county, clients remain connected and empowered for a lifelong journey of recovery.
For more information about Harmony Foundation, please visit:
www.harmonyfoundationinc.com
Have you ever found yourself grappling with unmet expectations in life or relationships? Have you ever wondered why those expectations exist and how they could be managed better? I, Michael Maassel, will take you through my personal journey of understanding and managing expectations in various aspects of life, like personal development and recovery. We'll shed light on how expectations can lead to resentment and how communication becomes crucial in managing these expectations. You'll also explore how to handle expectations in situations that are seemingly out of your control, like dealing with banks.
In the latter part of this engaging discussion, we'll focus on how to shape ourselves into better humans through self-awareness and effectively managing our expectations. We'll also touch upon the role of friends in our lives and how we sometimes may have expectations of them. This episode is a sincere attempt to help you introspect about your expectations, whether they are realistic or not, and how you can manage them better to avoid unnecessary resentments. Let's embark on this enlightening journey together, aiming to build better humans.
For over 50 years, Harmony Foundation has worked as a nonprofit to serve those seeking recovery from substance addictions. Our residential and intensive outpatient programs are in a collaborative and respectful treatment environment with multiple specialty tracks offering additional support. Our main campus is nestled on a 43-acre campus in the Rocky Mountains just outside of Estes Park, Colorado, that promotes physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. With one of the most robust alumni programs in the county, clients remain connected and empowered for a lifelong journey of recovery.
For more information about Harmony Foundation, please visit:
www.harmonyfoundationinc.com
Hey, hey, welcome to season two, episode 25 of Monday State of Mind brought to you by Harmony Foundation. My name is Michael Mausel and I am your host. It is Monday. We are starting a new topic. I love when one theme topic ends and a new one begins, because it's just more information that you get to take in and absorb however you want. Right and it's why I love podcasting is because not every episode is for everybody, and maybe every episode is for everybody. Even if it's only a minute, two minutes, the whole episode, we get out of it what we need to, and that's what I love.
Speaker 1:We are in November here. We are almost closing out 2023. And so I think that this is a really great topic to close out the rest of the year. So this topic is managing expectations. Let me tell you, this is a doozy and we're gonna dive right in, and let me tell you, the guests that I have teed up for this are incredible as well. So this is a topic that really hits home for me, because this is something I myself have been working a lot on this year is managing expectations. So check it.
Speaker 1:I am someone that has high expectations In a perfect world. I would love it if everybody would do what I tell them when I want it done, how I want it done, all the things right, because that is who Michael Mausel is type A OCD alcoholic. I want it done when I want it done right now and I expect that you do this this way, because if you do it any other way, it's not going to be okay. Right, wrong Expectations are tricky and it's something that I have realized has been something that has reared its ugly head right, I feel like on this journey of recovery I'll even say if you're just on a journey of personal development things reveal themselves to you when you are ready to accept them and put in the work on them and, for whatever reason, this year has been the year of managing expectations in Michael Mausel's world. So what does that look like?
Speaker 1:I'm going to take it back actually to early sobriety, because there's a lot to this. When it started in early recovery, I had expectations right Of like I got sober. I have 30 days, 60 days, 90 days of sobriety. I expect everybody to trust me and to love me and to know that I'm not going to screw up again and that they believe me when I say that I'm sober and I had to tread lightly. I had my sponsor back then tell me you know, michael, you got to manage your expectations of what people might think or their reactions towards you giving your behaviors. So we'll start this with me, my behaviors.
Speaker 1:And that was tough in the beginning, of having to recognize that people's reactions to me were as a result of how I was showing up and so, even though I was changing, I was putting in the work and I wanted people to just see it right away. I was like come on, can't you see I'm a different person. And while people saw that in me, what I had to realize is that time was not on Michael Mausel's side, and what I mean by that is it takes time for people to trust you. It takes time for people to really believe you when you say that you have changed, that your behaviors are different, that you're actually going to show up, when you say you're going to, that you're going to hold commitments, that you're going to come to work on time, that you're going to answer the phone, whatever it is. And I had to realize and understand the importance of patience and that I can't expect everybody in the early stages of my recovery and with my behaviors. I cannot expect everybody to think that I'm this totally different person without proper action. And so what I had to do, and what I continue to do, is to stay in action in my recovery so that now, having a good amount of time under my belt, when I show up, I do have that expectation of like, hey, I've given you zero reason to not trust me these last seven years. I've given you zero reason to believe that I'm going to go back out. I would love it if you could grant me some grace until also look at how you're looking at me right when it comes to friends, family, loved ones. That was the big deal. And so I stress this because I see so many people in early recovery and it's not even just an early recovery, it's whether you're in early recovery. You're working on a behavior change and you expect people to just to see it right away and to give you high fives and to tell you how you're going to do it, and so I see so many fives and to tell you how amazing you are when the reality is.
Speaker 1:You guys is like we have to sometimes be our biggest cheerleaders in the beginning and we have to have community, and that's why I've stressed a lot on season two the importance of community, and it's important when it comes to managing expectations of how you want people to see us with our behavior change. We have to understand that sometimes it takes time and that we get to be patient, and that we also have to ask ourselves when we expect people to see us a different way. Are we making this behavior change because we want people in our lives? Are we making this change because we genuinely want to change and that it is our hope and it is an expectation that people do see us differently and, whether they do or don't, we also have the opportunity to keep them around in our lives. What I want to say about managing expectations too.
Speaker 1:When it comes to behavior change, whether it is being in recovery or just telling the truth, budgeting, not spending a ton of money, whatever it is you just asking yourself every single day hey, what am I doing this for? Are my expectations realistic? My expectations were not realistic in the beginning of my recovery, for when I wanted people to love me and to trust me and to believe me. I had a lot of repair to do and that's on me. I get to do that. Again, I stress this because so many of us we get frustrated, right? We get so frustrated when we set these expectations of how we want people to see us and they're not meeting us. We're not meeting them.
Speaker 1:And so that's where I offer you this consideration and I offer myself this on the daily, like probably maybe not on the daily, but very frequently of if I'm expecting somebody to see me a certain way. Am I deserving of that? Right, ask yourself am I really deserving? Is there factual evidence that proves that this is a realistic expectation? Is there factual evidence that makes it so that, okay, I'm not crazy In wanting this to happen. It's really man-finging that and sometimes it's hard.
Speaker 1:But what I want to tell all of you if you have these expectations, just ask yourself are you backing this behavior with consistent action? Are you backing it with you showing up how you say you're going to do it every single day? And I have to look at that all the time. And the longer you are in it and you're in this change, people will come around and if they don't think you're going to have a new tribe that love and respect you. Sometimes for some people, when it's hard for them to see a new version of you when they've seen the same version of you for such a long time, and so understand that it's something that we may not like it I don't like it, you guys but I also have to understand and see it from their viewpoint too.
Speaker 1:So I want to take that as part one of this episode from the personal part of recovery and sobriety of how I expect people, because the thing is, at the end of the day, I can't expect anything. I can hope through right, proper, consistent action, but I really can't, at the end of the day, expect people to see me a certain way. I can hope for it. You can't expect anything without people actually saying that, and that's hard too.
Speaker 1:So part one of this Part two I want to talk about is, for you and me, managing expectations of others. Oh, this one's good because, like I said I have at the very beginning of this episode, I have high expectations, and so I have to be very careful with my expectations of people, whether you know, with family, with friends, with coworkers, with staff members, what are my expectations and are my expectations realistic? Because what I have noticed this year and why it's rearing its ugly horns this whole thing of expectations is that expectations can lead to resentments. I'm gonna say that again Expectations can lead to resentments. So if I have an expectation of somebody that you know, I expect them to show up on time, I expect them to be getting their work done, like I have these expectations. But if I don't properly communicate and again, it's communication If I don't properly communicate, these are my expectations, and then these expectations are not met, yeah, I'm gonna start to build a resentment of why isn't this person doing this? I can't believe they're not showing up.
Speaker 1:But then I have to ask myself, michael, what is your part in this expectation? Are you doing the work behind managing your expectations for how your employees show up? Are you managing your expectations of what you're communicating, even with your husband, when it comes to chores around the house, when it comes to packing for a trip, when you're on a trip With friends? Am I managing expectations of how I desire them to show up in my life, and are they real, and have I communicated that to these people?
Speaker 1:Communication is key and I notice that when I have expectations that are not being met, the very first thing I have to look at is what have I said or what have I not said that is leading to this? And to not assume, you guys. Because here's the thing Assuming that people know what you're thinking, that doesn't bode well, and sometimes I do that, or I'm like I swear I told this person to do this when, at the end of the day, it's like, instead of assuming or thinking I did it, you guys just have the conversation and I say this for me too, so I again can bring it up to whether whoever it is in my life to be like hey, okay, so just so I'm clear on this, this is what I'm gonna do, this is what you're gonna do and this is how we're gonna get this done. Because here's the thing if we don't communicate and we just assume, again my expectations go to shit, they go to shit. Then people don't know why I'm mad, why I get frustrated, and then when I get frustrated, I am unnecessarily taking it out on people around me, because I didn't do my part in managing this.
Speaker 1:I didn't think that I had such high expectations. I mean, I kind of did, you guys, but I didn't until I started kind of building some resentments towards different people and, lo and behold, when I would talk to my sponsor about it. She would straight up be like what's your part in this? Is it realistic? Have you talked about it? Have you really been honest with this person about this expectation, so that it's not something that's so grandiose or so far fetch that it's not gonna be met? And I'm like, oh right, my part, my part, because we all have a part. And so ask yourself, you guys, if you have any expectations like, what is your part in it? The other thing that I'll say about expectations is sometimes doesn't have anything to do with, maybe, a person that's directly related to you and I'll bring this up because this is one I've really had to work on is, you know, expectations of?
Speaker 1:It can be a situation, let's say, that you have an expectation that when I apply for this home loan, that it's gonna go through. When they say it's gonna go through, so that I can get going and building my home, what has happened for me is like this is something that is very real time for myself and my husband is that I have no control over how long it's gonna take the bank to go through the application. So when I set myself up with this expectation of, I expect that they're gonna get it done. When they say they're gonna get it done and we're going to be able to move along and the timeline is going to be perfect, I have to ask myself, michael, if you set yourself up for this, what is this going to do for you mentally and emotionally? And so, checking myself with my husband, it's like, okay, they say that they're going to get it done by this day.
Speaker 1:I expect it to not happen. I expect that it's probably going to take a month longer, because the last thing I want to do is let myself down with being okay, this is going to happen. They say it's going to happen, and you know what? It didn't happen. And that's exactly what happened for me when they said it was gonna happen. It didn't happen on that day, and I was so frustrated and annoyed and pissed off. And I'm the only person that I get to blame for this because, again, while banks say that something's gonna get done at a certain amount of time, it doesn't always happen right. So it's managing that it's managing okay. Well, like what could I do differently about this?
Speaker 1:And so the next thing I wanna bring up is expectations of even friends, like if you have friends in your life that are always habitually late. Do you really wanna set yourself up for failure by saying you know what? I expect Sally to be on time. If you know that they're habitually late, why don't you and Zane like you know what If they show up 30 minutes late, that's a win. It's owning what we can control so that we don't drive ourselves that shit crazy. And I say that with so much love, and I say that for me too, because, again, I have friends in my life that are habitually late and if I expect them to be on time, I'm like Michael. History has proven that this has never happened. So if I tell myself that I expect Sally to be at my house at 11 o'clock, it's not gonna happen. It's gonna be 1130. And to celebrate if she shows up 15 minutes late, then that's a win. That's a win.
Speaker 1:So where are your expectations? How are you showing up and what are realistic? And again, have you talked about it with people? Because here's the thing what I know to be true and what I've seen happen for me, especially this last year, is that when I manage them by making sure I am communicating, even over communicating, I set myself up for success. When I am not communicating properly, and I assume I set myself up for failure and it's nobody's fault but my own. And this is something that I'll also say, like it's seeds into work with managing expectations of my team. I have to make sure that if I have expectations of my team, am I setting them up for success to meet those expectations? Because I cannot expect them to do certain things unless they have the tools that they need to be successful. And that's something I think a lot of the people need to realize in a work environment especially is are you coaching your team appropriately? Are you being a leader that is engaging with them, that is helping them to meet these expectations, so that you don't just say, hey, this is what you have to do, get it done without any coaching, with any support? And so that's something I've really paid attention to this year. Am I providing proper support for my team so that they can show up and perform and meet the expectations that are bestowed upon them? Communication have I said that yet on this podcast episode? I think so, maybe once or twice, maybe 50 times.
Speaker 1:Communication, communication that is the root of managing expectations, whether it's how people see you in recovery, where I started this episode, how you want people to see you, what is your part in it? How are you showing up for friends? How are friends showing up for you? What is realistic when it comes to circumstances outside of your control, like I said, like, whether it's a bank loan, it could be a personal loan, it could be a doctor's appointment, whatever it is Setting yourself up for success so that it's like, hey, you know what, if this doesn't go the way I want it to, it's okay, because you know what? I have zero control. Zero control over some of these outside circumstances. So what can I do to set myself up for success mentally so I don't build a resentment?
Speaker 1:Lastly, touching on work If you're a leader at work, if you're a boss, even if you're just an employee, like, do you have systems in place to set yourself up for success? And people that you work with Do they have systems in place to set themselves up for success, so that you are not left feeling frustrated and angry and bitter and you want to like rip their head off? This is something that's super manageable. What I will also say is that a lot of times, we like to pass the buck and be like you know, like that's not my problem, that's their problem, that they didn't get it done, or it's not my problem? Yeah, at the end of the day, it might not be your problem, but you still have a responsibility to yourself on. Well, you know what, even though it might not be my problem, how am I choosing to show up?
Speaker 1:This is a big topic and we're going to dive in to this last topic this year with an amazing COO of an amazing organization. We're going to dive in where I have a conversation with a couple people on this podcast, and then we're going to finish it off with an amazing woman talking about managing expectations with family. I wanted to come at this with a broad approach and really have you start to think about are my expectations realistic? Am I communicating? Are they leading to resentments? What is going on that I can own my part in this so that I can rest my head at night, go to bed at night knowing I did all that I can and I don't have to stew on it.
Speaker 1:We're here to continue to build better humans and I know talking through this like it continues to help me have awareness around what are my expectations so that I can continue to show up as a better human, for myself and for everybody that comes into contact with me. Yours truly, that is what I got for today. Before we part ways, I want to remind you that help is available. If you or someone you know is in need of assistance, please reach out to the Harmony Foundation at 970-586-4491. Just remember that together we are building better humans. I'll see you, guys next week.