Do you ever beat yourself up for thinking of a witty comeback after the fact when you're back at home after an event? Yeah same. This week we talk about perceiving failure and metabolising criticism.
Sometimes we can feel so vulnerable when we put ourselves out there it can be hard to process the emotions that come alongside that criticism, especially when it comes from family and friends.
You can find Ané and Stacey on Instagram at:
Ané - @ane.mgmnt
✦ https://www.instagram.com/mgmnt__/
https://msha.ke/anemgmnt
Stacey - @barefootbranding
✦ instagram.com/barefootbranding
🌐 barefootbranding.academy
https://barefootbranding.academy/eyes-above-waitlist/
Visit us here: 🌐 trustingtheuniverseandshit.com
Email us: 📩 hello@trustingtheuniverseandshit.com
Intro music by Tyler Dixon from @tones.on.toast - tonesontoast.com
Do you ever beat yourself up for thinking of a witty comeback after the fact when you're back at home after an event? Yeah same. This week we talk about perceiving failure and metabolising criticism.
Sometimes we can feel so vulnerable when we put ourselves out there it can be hard to process the emotions that come alongside that criticism, especially when it comes from family and friends.
You can find Ané and Stacey on Instagram at:
Ané - @ane.mgmnt
✦ https://www.instagram.com/mgmnt__/
https://msha.ke/anemgmnt
Stacey - @barefootbranding
✦ instagram.com/barefootbranding
🌐 barefootbranding.academy
https://barefootbranding.academy/eyes-above-waitlist/
Visit us here: 🌐 trustingtheuniverseandshit.com
Email us: 📩 hello@trustingtheuniverseandshit.com
Intro music by Tyler Dixon from @tones.on.toast - tonesontoast.com
If you could have done better in that moment, you would have. But you didn't have the knowledge or the skills in that moment, so you didn't. But you do now because you had the lesson.
Ané:Who says I'm gonna fail again? I mean, I may be completely different and it may be a huge success, or not, and that's fine. Because it's not a fail, it's just, it's just another step to the evolution.
Stacey:Welcome to Trusting the Universe and Shit. We're so happy to have you here. Ane of course with me today.
Ané:Hello everyone, yes it's so good to be back. Sorry if I sound a little bit yucky, I've had a chest infection last week but I'm just so glad that we're back and running and talking about all the things.
Stacey:Yes, it's so nice this podcast for me personally, you know, if you're listening, it, hopefully it's nice for you too, but it's like a little grounding space for me. It's such a nice place to come back to because I'm feeling pretty burnt out over the last couple of weeks because I've been. Away, traveling, seeing family, and yeah, just feeling pretty burnt out from all the goings on. So if you're feeling like that too, you know, know that, that I'm right there with you.
Ané:Yeah, honestly, it's, I mean, we've said this before, but we'll say it again. Like it, this podcast isn't just for the ripples and for other people to take some keynotes. Like we too do truly benefit from this too. And we learn so much and we also listen and then take note So thank you for being on this journey with us and. Also enjoying it just as much. I know we received some beautiful messages during the holiday time. Just saying how much you guys appreciate and love this. So yeah, we're so excited for this new year and we have a lot in store for 2024. So yeah. And yeah, I think too I was obviously energetically burnt out too. I mean, I wasn't socializing as much but I was not not doing anything and that's why my physical body felt it and my energetic body felt it. So I definitely was like out cold all week pretty much. So yeah, burnout is always still a thing in any sort of like genre I guess, in any category.
Stacey:Yeah, it's like how they say, that's why we recommend showering once per day, because it wears off. So your grounding practices and coming back and listening to whatever it is you listen to, if you're listening to this, thank you for being here. Yeah. We need those tune ups. We need those constant reminders to come back and tune up and even for me, you know, I was listening to one of the episodes while I was away that we had recorded a few weeks earlier because I really needed to hear what was in that episode. And it just, I don't even know how I chose it because I was driving in a car and I was on this kind of lengthy drive and I just really needed to hear exactly what that was. So just trust that if you're listening to this then there must be a reason for you to be here.
Ané:Beautiful, yes, absolutely. And we do really, really appreciate everything that you guys, you guys let us know because it means that you appreciate it too, you know? Just as much as we do, so, yeah.
Stacey:Yeah. And thanks for showing up even though, you know, you've had a, you've been sick this week. So we appreciate you for doing that. but today we're going to be talking a little bit about failure, metabolizing criticism and the perception of failure. Yeah,
Ané:big topics. But yeah, this is going to be really good because whether you have gotten criticism in your business from other business owners, whether you've gotten criticism from family members, whether you got criticism from friends, wherever it's It's a hard thing to digest, and you may, like, I don't know about you, but sometimes we go, I get into this like defensive mode where I get criticism, I'm like, ugh, they, they, they don't know what they're talking about, or this or that, and instead of just being like, okay, what, where in this can I process it that's healthy and not sort of project back, because that's not going to help either, right And it's like, yeah, how do we digest criticism? It's a big topic,
Stacey:it is. It is a big topic. So we are, we're going to explore a little bit about that today and maybe some personal that we've had. But, criticism, yeah, so we'll start with criticism, and then we'll move on to, on to failure. Because I feel like they are fairly tied in together, but. Criticism, It is perceived that way when, you know, somebody says something to us that, especially when we've worked really hard on a project and we've poured our heart and soul into it and we're really passionate about it and we're feeling, can feel quite tender and vulnerable about it because we've really put ourselves out there and somebody can come along and just have a little chip at you and chip down at you and It's, sometimes it can feel really hard to process that and not take it on board and just be so confident in yourself and say, Yeah, actually, that's just going to roll right off me because that's not me. And just having that confidence in yourself to say, That's not, a characterization that I agree with. Because that's the reason why I think sometimes, you know, we perceive the criticism because we say, Well, that's not who I am. That's defamation of my character. That is a misrepresentation of my character. And then that's why we get mad because we're like, that's not who I am. I'm not that person. And that's why we get frustrated because we're trying to present ourselves a certain way. And when we get perceived differently, that's, that's where the trigger can be. So even though we know in ourselves, we think, no, this is who I am. And that, that can often make it worse because that's what we're clashing up against. So. That's what I was thinking about when it comes to, yeah, receiving criticism and especially if you're a business owner too, you're probably going to be opening yourself up to far more criticism than anyone else because you really have to put your face out there constantly, especially online, in spaces where people are criticizing you.
Ané (2):Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, it's actually funny, you were, as you were speaking about, like, when you're working on, like, a passion project, or you have a project that you put your heart and soul into, and I was listening to a podcast with Rick Rubin in it, and he's, like, really cool, you know, creative guy, artist guy, you know, works with a lot of music producers and singers and all the things, and he was just talking about, like, why Yeah, there was a question towards something about like why when people are in a creative funk right and a lot of the time is because we're looking for this like external like we put this external pressure on like I'm going to create a funk because like you already have perceived this thing of like it has to go this perfect way to be perceived this perfect way and you're already taking your power away from that right rather than just like I'm going to do this You And it's going to be great and I'm just doing it because I love doing this and I'm getting myself out there and you know, it seems like that's a really vulnerable state like you're talking about. And so then people come and criticize that. It's like, well, that's not really. That doesn't really take away the magic that you created in a project, because you've actually just done the thing because you love the thing, right? And I feel like a lot of people that do criticize, maybe they criticize themselves so much all the time, they're not even doing any projects or any creative fun adventures or whatever, because yeah, they just criticize themselves so much and then end up projecting without even being that self aware about it. So Yeah, I guess I'm just coming from a place of like, awareness and light to be like, if you have experience, again, as a business owner or project, you know, whatever creator, whatever, is just be people criticized because maybe they are so paralyzed in doing anything because they are just so judgy of themselves. So yeah.
Stacey:Yeah, yeah. It's so true what you say about the projection coming from this person. Usually it is. They're projecting onto you. Maybe they're insecurities. Maybe there's a bit of ego there. Maybe they're feeling insecure because, I don't know, you're doing something that they really want to be doing. Maybe you're displaying You living your dreams and your purpose and your passion and they're not so maybe they want to chip you down a little bit. So be aware of that too. Maybe they're trying to take you down a peg so that they bring you to their level so they don't feel so bad in themselves. So it does often have nothing to do with you. But sometimes I do think people, yeah, aren't really super aware of what they're doing when they're criticizing and judging everybody around them. And when you judge people around you, It is because you're often judging yourself all the time. So it just starts to, I feel like it's just like a disease. It just bleeds, and it bleeds into your whole life. So it's very important to be really aware of what we judge.
Ané (2):Yeah, absolutely. And again, like, as you're saying, like, a lot of us that do have this, like, heart led way of working when we do receive criticism, it does hurt. And so, again, this is just a perceived way of, like, okay, where did I fold in my boundaries? Where did I fold when someone asked, can I give you feedback or whatever? Then to just be like, actually This isn't done yet, so no. You know? Like, kindly no. Or, you know, if you're like me, I tend to be like, yeah, sure, and then like, it bites me in the arse. So you just have to be really,
Stacey:Yeah,
Ané (2):discerned.
Stacey:Like, did you really mean yes? Or did you just say yes because you have such a big heart. We call it, bleeding hearts, that's what we call it. So when you have this bleeding heart, you wanna help everybody. You want everyone to feel, happy and not in any kind of confrontation. And so you avoid, you know, anything that's gonna cause any friction. So when people come up to you and they, and they, yeah, they say something to you about. Anything on a project and they say, Hey, like, can I give you some feedback or whatever? And you're actually not prepared to receive it, but you say yes anyway. Yeah, you've really stepped on your own values and your own boundaries. And it's going to cause more problems like internally later. Because you've allowed it in. And then you're going to be kicking yourself because you think, Damn it, why did I do that?
Ané (2):Yeah. Yeah. And, like, you know, I think feedback is a really, like, It's a really good feedback loop to get back to for a particular thing like I was doing a promotion on a, on a new workshop that I'm gonna do in Feb and I was like bit stuck with my wording and I, I, Needed some feedback, and so I was open to receiving that full body yes, heart expanded yes, it was like yes, you do need some feedback, and that was great, but if I, you know, posted that thing and promoted it and then getting all of this like, criticism, I would have felt so horrible and I really would have, it really would have just like, dimmed my light and the, the excitement that I had at first, so yeah, you just, you really do have to just, Discern and make sure that, are you saying yes because it is like, yes, or is it because you're just trying to make sure everyone gets heard and they feel, you know, good about whatever they want to share so it's, yeah. Mm, mm,
Stacey:because, you know, you want to try and keep everybody on an even keel and you want to keep things smooth, especially in your relationships. And sometimes you really don't want to push that boundary. You don't want to say to somebody. I remember Brené Brown, I think, was telling this story about how she invited a friend over. I don't know if I've told this story on this podcast, but if I have, oh well. That she was inviting somebody over to her house and then said, You can come over. You can come over, but you won't be able to drink any alcohol. Those are the stipulations of the rules. And, you know, for her saying that that was just such a hard thing to do, but those were her boundaries. And it's so hard for us socially to enforce these boundaries. We can say in our head all day, like, this is what I want to do, this is what I want to say. When it comes time to actually saying things like that, it can be very, very confronting. It can be very difficult to try and Actually bring it up to somebody in the moment because sometimes you're just so shocked and You've been taken aback in the moment passes you and then you're like, ah I didn't like you know when you come home and you go I wish I had to said this in the moment But it's always way too late Like you think of a comeback or something and you're like damn it. It's way too late I should have said it, you know seven hours ago
Ané:yeah, yeah, and like, it's, that's a beautiful way of like, you know, telling how to set a boundary and I'm sure Renee Brown was doing it in a really polite way of like, hey, can I bring this up and express this rather than just projecting because as you were talking, it actually reminded me, like the other week I was getting these two random projections from two random girls about training in the gym and it wasn't from like a place of like, Hey, you really inspire me to do X, Y, and Z. It was kind of like, Oh, you've like, you're strong enough now to do that. And it was just like a moment that I was like, Oh, I didn't, it, it, it felt like a projection obviously, but I wasn't ready for it and so I was like. I'm just shocked by that response, but I'm also like, am I perceiving this like, is she actually trying to be polite? Like my brain was like, you know that meme, that math girl meme, and it's like, oh, the meme, the math, they're like all over.
Stacey:triangulating all the circumstances. Like, wait, wait, wait. Is it me? Is it them? Is it their projection? And the more and more you dive into self discovery, the more and more you become aware of all these different triangulations, as you say. You know, it's like you're doing calculus with your social interactions. And most of the time, I feel like people are projecting their shit onto you.
Ané:Fully and it felt like that, you know, it really was like, oh, okay. No, this is and then happened again Like two days later and I was like, what the hell is happening and the same girl
Stacey:yeah, the, same thing with the gym.
Ané:Yeah, it was so strange, and I know it was just a little bit of like a test, I don't know how you're going to respond to this, but it was funny because the second scenario, the same girl again mentioned it a couple weeks later, but from a place of, hey, you've really inspired me to go to the gym or whatever, and that to me was like, good on you, you know, like you were actually vulnerably stating to me that that's how you feel about that, and I was actually like, I actually receive that better than being like oh well look at you go or like having that little bit of like passivy comments you know and i was like so i think what the moral of the story i'm trying to say here is whatever is being Whatever you're being perceived, of course, check yourself and be like, okay, am I just having a reactive moment or how does my body feel and
Ané (2):how does I,
Ané:how am I processing this?
Ané (2):Like have a little bit of an, you know, an analysis quickly, but it's not wrong. Regardless of how it is, it's not wrong that you feel. And it's actually giving you an indication of maybe how they are feeling about themselves or how they are perceiving a situation, you know, and it's the same thing with your projects. If you're getting criticism. Okay, yeah, that happened, that really sucks, but it's not wrong that like, you can also feel shitty about it, you know and it also doesn't need to be the truth. It doesn't, it's not the be old and old sort of thing, so yeah, yeah,
Stacey:you know, you invited in specific I'll just start again. Yeah, I think it's key how you said that it's you inviting in the criticism. So, it's you going, Can I have some feedback on this specific thing? So you're open to it, you're primed, you're prepped for it, rather than it just coming out of the woodwork, and you're like, whoa, I wasn't expecting that. So, that's normally the stuff we're talking about, because if you were prepared for it, yeah, you were prepared for it, the criticism, then you're okay to work with it. But often that's not when we get triggered. We get triggered when it comes out of the blue, and then we go, Whoa, I was like not in a space to receive that kind of feedback. And I think it's important to, when you're trying to give people advice, I'm doing air quotes, advice or feedback when it wasn't warranted, when they didn't ask for it. Yeah, it's, it's kind of, just be very careful when you're doing that. Because now for me, usually I will only really give people advice when they ask me. Because otherwise it's gonna fall on deaf ears anyway.
Ané:Absolutely. Absolutely. No, I couldn't agree more, and I did the same too. Like, hey, do you have the capacity for X, Y, and Z, or this or that? Because, like, I know that's how I want to be having conversations with people, right? So, like, it's gotta start from us. It's gotta start from you, too. initiate that and me too. Like I used to take, I'm a bloody Virgo. I used to, I used to give advice to everyone and anyone and like my friends would just do the same patterns. I would do the same patterns and I'm like, why is no one listening to me? I mean, hello, because no one actually wants your advice until they're going to ask for it. So I've definitely done it in the past and I know I'm like, okay, this is. Only if people have the capacity and actually are open to receiving it. Otherwise, what's the point? You're just gonna go in circles.
Stacey:Yeah. Yeah. Oh, amazing. Yeah, I feel like it's yeah, it's just sitting with it and just reflecting later and not feeling bad that you know, you didn't have a really good comeback in the moment and just being aware that it's probably going to be. projections onto you and yeah, not feeling inadequate because somebody has characterized you in a way that you don't feel because you really just have to trust your own voice and trust that you know what it is that you are going for. If you're working on a project, especially a creative project, just trust yourself and trust the passions as they come to you. And just continue on and I know sometimes even the tiniest thing can derail us, but I think like you said before they're just like sometimes they're little tests and they come along to test us and just have little little pokes at us and then we continue on and we continue on with our project and we process those criticisms as they come along and yeah we just see okay well why did I Why Why do I react that way? Why did I, why do I think that that's so bad? What does it mean? That's usually the first thing I'll ask is what does it mean? If somebody said to me, oh, you're really late all the time or something like that and that really triggers me, for example. What if that happens and you get really triggered? What does it mean for you if you're late all the time? Why is that triggering you? Oh, because it means that you're I don't know, whatever that might mean to you. It might mean something to you. There might have been an incident when you were younger and you said to yourself, you know, I'm triggered by that because when I was younger I used to be late all the time and it, you know, people would call me flaky and they didn't want to be friends with me or I don't know.
Ané (2):Yeah. Yeah.
Stacey:just ask yourself, like, what does it mean?
Ané (2):mm. Absolutely. And oh gosh, I had something in my mind and now it's It left just as I was about to speak. But anyways, it'll come back when it needs to, but,
Stacey:It'll come back.
Ané (2):but you're right. It's, it's always analyze afterwards with compassion, with openness. about situations that happen. And when I say like, oh, we got a little bit of a test, some people don't like those words, and I get why, because it's like, then it feels very conditional, you know, like, oh, always being tested, like, I totally get that, but I don't mean it like that. I think I'm trying to say is like, We're always going to either evolve or stay where we are and The test is just a moment of where, how are you going to respond differently? And that's what I mean by that and I don't get it right all the time In fact, I project all the time still or judge or whatever and I have to remind myself to come back to like openness and care and love and We're going to get tested. I do, I'm doing quotes to see, okay, have you learned to adapt to that new way of how you want to be? And that's what I mean by that. And again, I don't mean it's wrong that if you fall back into old habits or ways it's just, yeah, it's just the beauty of life. And again, it comes back to those. There you go. My thought came back. It's about how does. It's the emotion that you're feeling after being judged or criticized. Is it, has it taught you again, okay, I didn't put a boundary and like what we spoke about in a different episode, you know, if you feel anger, that probably means that in a a boundary has been crossed without even knowing it was a boundary. So it's like, notice, observe the emotion and then be like, okay, next time I'm going to try and do X, Y, and Z instead. And especially when it comes to the projects. getting criticism and so yeah.
Stacey:Yeah, and everything is here for, well this is what I believe anyways, for our soul's growth. So all the tests and all the things that we learn from those tests is going to lead to our eventual soul's expansion. And so if everything in our life was completely perfect and there was no friction, there was no lessons, there was nothing to learn, what would really essentially be the point in being here at all? Would we just be here to I don't know. We're just here to have everything be perfect. It would also be incredibly boring if everything was perfect all the time. It would be some kind of like Pleasantville type scenario that we were living in. Actually, I think we would get really, really bored.
Ané:100 percent and you know on that topic of boredom and I think the perceived way of failing. I think this is a really good topic because we're in the new year, I'm sure a lot of us have reflected on last year and all of the failing moments, quotes, I'm doing quotation marks and You know, all the things that we don't want to repeat this year, and I was in a master class recently and they were talking about the perceivement of failure and how it can really disempower us, especially as a business owner, especially as a business owner or creator or, you know, you know, someone that loves to work on projects and it didn't go the way that it went this perceive of like failing and then being paralyzed to not make those actions or those next moves because of the past or the future, you know, fears that come up is so dominant, I think, especially now and at the end of the day, like as we're speaking about boredom, we're here to experience life, like in all aspects. And we're going to have moments where we really failed or fucked up or whatever, screwed up. And it's when we can come back to like just observing and being really curious with it and then being like, okay. You know what? I really didn't like when I did X, Y, and Zed, or didn't take those actions in X, Y, and Zed. I'm gonna try and do a different way. I just feel like that is such a more expansive and experimental way of living than just being so eaten up by your fears of like the past or the future and not take any sort of yeah, experimenting because of this perceived failure. Because we've all heard the term fail forward and I think that's really, really important to take. We're going to fail that many times before we get a win and it's kind of okay. It's okay to do that.
Stacey:Yeah. I feel like I'm just like reflecting quickly on my relationship with failure currently. And I'm thinking I don't really feel like I know That failure exists anymore because I'm like well you tried you tried to do that thing no matter what the outcome was and I think it's probably because I did so many years of working on okay Let's release the attachment to the outcome of what that's going to look like. So even if I launch a big course Even if I, you know, spend 10, 000 on something and it doesn't eventuate into anything, I don't really perceive it as a failure because I was there, I was showing up, I was doing my thing. I was working on my passion, I was there. So as long as you're there, as long as you're in the ring, as long as you're working on the things that give you, bring you joy, that you're passionate about, that you're showing up for yourself, and you're trying to do the best that you can, I don't really think that failure is ever really possible, because, and like you were saying before, it's this perception that you've failed, and that's all it is, it's only a perception, because you haven't actually failed, you've only just not achieved the exact thing that you were hoping for, so it's like, go for the goal, but release the attachment to the exact way that it's going to unfold for you, and let the universe surprise you, and maybe it's directing you on a path that you haven't, can't see yet,
Ané (2):Mm hmm, mm hmm,
Stacey:well how could it be? I mean, I'm literally in the shittest possible place.
Ané:yeah.
Stacey:you really have to find that trust in those moments.
Ané:Yes, that's when you have to practice the faith. This is what the whole podcast is about.
Stacey:Yes.
Ané:Practicing the faith rather than the fear, truly. Like, put that on a merch, it's coming.
Stacey:I'm writing a note. I'm writing a note.
Ané:you're so right, the only, and I'm going to sound so cheesy. I feel like I'm being Robinson right now, Tony Robbins, like, like the only time you're failing is if you quit, you know, like,
Stacey:You tell them.
Ané (2):yeah, like that's sort of where we're going. But true, like truth, like truly, that is. It's all perception and yeah and I think especially as business owners or like women in business we have to start practicing more compassion for ourselves. You didn't set up that system when you know you could have, fine whatever now you know how to do it. You didn't market yourself in this way and because you knew that I was gonna get you Fine, now you know how to do it. You didn't do that project because you were scared of whatever? Fine, now you know you can do it. Like, all of this is another test or step to evolving and I just think that we need to stop viewing it as like, are we failed again? Are we, or even feeling like they don't want to take the action because I've been there because I have quote unquote failed before on whatever thing. And I'm like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm too scared to go back there because it didn't work the first time. Yeah. Like with what you said, when I invested my time and energy and money into learning this process, into learning how to better be equipped in that stage,
Ané:who says I'm gonna fail again? I mean, I may be completely different and it may be a huge success, or not, and that's fine. Because it's not a fail, it's just, it's just another step to the evolution.
Ané (2):So, mm.
Stacey:was ever wasted. So if you were there, you were working on things, you were showing up, nothing was wasted. You've probably learnt something. Maybe it wasn't exactly what you thought, but you definitely have learnt something. And I thought of something else as you were talking too. If you could have done better in that moment, then you would have. So, always come back to that. If you could have done better in that moment, and you're beating yourself up for something that you could have done better in the moment, you would have. But you didn't have the knowledge or the skills or whatever it was in that moment, so you didn't. But you do now because you had the lesson. And without the lesson you wouldn't have learned and you wouldn't be where you are now.
Ané:Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I think we need to, we need to change the, the wording of fail to lessons. Like, that's just what As we're speaking, I'm like, it's not actually failing, it's just learning another bloody lesson. Like, that's really all it is. Because you're right, like, if we knew better, we would have done better. But we didn't at that time, we learned the lesson, and now we know better. Like, it's just, it can't be that easy and that, like, simple. You know?
Stacey:All of this on the merch, so you know, when you guys are ready, we're going to have it ready for you to put on your mug so you can watch it in the morning, you know. You can look at your mug in the morning and have a coffee with your, with our little, our
Ané:100%. Put that on a merch as well. Oh my god. I would love it. I feel like that's, yeah, I feel like we really covered So much and I think this has been like really, I really enjoyed this short and sweet sort of to the point episode.
Stacey:Yeah, no, I feel like that's a great place to wrap up. so yeah, if you guys want to message us, feel free to message us.
Ané:Yes. Thanks guys. It was been amazing. And speak next time. Bye.