Do your actions spring from virtue or fear? That's the provocative question we're exploring in our latest podcast episode. I'm your host, Sean, a performance coach and special ops combat veteran, who's ready to dive into the origins of our motivations. We ponder the precarious behaviors of high-performing individuals constantly on the brink of burnout, challenging the ingrained notion of fear-based motivation. We'll dissect its impact on the sustainability and constructiveness of our endeavors, and evaluate why it's crucial to strive towards actions driven by virtue instead.
Ever found yourself constantly saying yes or constantly fighting? You may be a people-pleaser, a condition we delve into in our second chapter. We discuss how such behavior can hurt your credibility and breed inconsistency in relationships. But, fear not, we also talk about the power of feedback and self-reflection in identifying patterns and motivations behind our actions. Join me on this journey to understand the undercurrents of our behavior and how every action, whether virtuous or not, leaves its mark. It's time to ensure our motivations are virtuous, not fear-driven, as we construct the life we truly desire.
Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.
Do your actions spring from virtue or fear? That's the provocative question we're exploring in our latest podcast episode. I'm your host, Sean, a performance coach and special ops combat veteran, who's ready to dive into the origins of our motivations. We ponder the precarious behaviors of high-performing individuals constantly on the brink of burnout, challenging the ingrained notion of fear-based motivation. We'll dissect its impact on the sustainability and constructiveness of our endeavors, and evaluate why it's crucial to strive towards actions driven by virtue instead.
Ever found yourself constantly saying yes or constantly fighting? You may be a people-pleaser, a condition we delve into in our second chapter. We discuss how such behavior can hurt your credibility and breed inconsistency in relationships. But, fear not, we also talk about the power of feedback and self-reflection in identifying patterns and motivations behind our actions. Join me on this journey to understand the undercurrents of our behavior and how every action, whether virtuous or not, leaves its mark. It's time to ensure our motivations are virtuous, not fear-driven, as we construct the life we truly desire.
Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.
Welcome to the reload, where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works. My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey. As a performance coach and special operations combat veteran, I help high performing executives kick ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives. All right, welcome back. Hopefully, if you celebrated Thanksgiving or if you celebrate Thanksgiving, I should say, hopefully it was a good one. Hopefully it was a chance to really connect with friends and family and disconnect from your typical stressors and to also really tune into a sense of gratitude. All right, this time of year is often, at least in the United States, an opportunity for us to reflect on the origin of this holiday. How is it that we came to celebrate this particular time? For me, it's always striking how, every year, having this overt time to really step back and to think about, okay, why do we have a holiday dedicated to being thankful, to giving thanks, and to whom are we giving that thanks or to what? Clearly, there are elements of this that are external. We give thanks to each other, we give thanks to a bountiful harvest, but I think there's also ample opportunity to give thanks to ourselves. Where is it that we have worked hard? Where is it that we have tried to overcome some of the challenges that we have faced perhaps our entire life, even if we haven't overcome them? Is there a way for us to be thankful for the fact that we are actually engaging in that process, that we are trying to do better tomorrow than we are today?
Speaker 1:While I was away for my Thanksgiving holiday, I did actually end up having a couple of client calls, and in both of those calls this concept came up that I think could be pretty useful for you. And here we are making this episode. So the topic that came up was this idea of trying to understand where our motivations are based either in true virtue or in fear. Why does it matter? Why does it matter whether our behaviors and our motivations are rooted in virtue or fear? Because some people might challenge that and say, well, it doesn't matter, as long as the action is occurring and as long as you're getting shit done, then what does it matter? It may not, arguably, but from what I've seen working with really high performing individuals who often end up getting incredibly burned out, the reason that it matters is that? Well, really, it's twofold. One, the sustainability of that action is affected by whether the actions are rooted in virtue or fear, and then, secondly, whether something is rooted in virtue or in fear yields constructive or destructive behavior.
Speaker 1:Now, one common example that seems to come up time and time and time again is working hard, working long hours, working seven days a week. This is a condition I guess that describes a lot of my clients and it makes me wonder okay, well, what part of this is virtuous and what part of this is fear? Now, most of the individuals that I work with, when we talk about why they're working so much, they will tell me things like I'm doing it for my family, I'm doing it because we have certain goals, certain lifestyle desires or quality of living desires, and I am working this hard in order to make sure that that happens. Alternatively well, maybe not alternatively, but perhaps as part of that sometimes it is a parenting choice. Well, my partner and I decided that we wanted one of us to be home with the children or the child, so that it would have it, so he or she, the child or they children, would have the best possible upbringing, or chance for best possible upbringing, and, as a result, we're a one income family and I'm working this hard to make sure that we provide for the family. Okay, you know, all that makes perfect sense, but then, quite frequently, what ends up happening is we get into sessions that start to talk about the strain and the arguments and the repeated communication from the family that the breadwinner would work less and would be home more, or even, if they are physically home, that they would be more tuned in to what's happening.
Speaker 1:Because so many of my clients spend most of their time, even when they are physically present, mentally and emotionally checked out, at least checked out from the family. They're checked in on work. They're usually on their mobile devices even when they're not at work. Working hours are non existent. They just work all the time. Now, granted, they do get some sleep, but even then many of my clients only get a maximum of six hours, I would say. Typically they're in this kind of four to six hour range, depending on what's going on. And it takes a real toll on their bodies as well, not to mention mental acuity and their ability to actually function effectively.
Speaker 1:And it's when we start to discuss some of these other implications of working all the time that we start to uncover things that start to sound a little less virtuous. They start to sound a lot more like fear-based or scarcity-based motivation, which then, of course, almost invariably leads to discussions around where the person, the client, feels that they're not enough and that working all the time is often an outgrowth of that fear and that they're constantly being whipped internally by some sort of I'm not enough demon. And in some cases I've had clients that have come from very impoverished backgrounds and they swore to themselves that they would never, ever go back to the hood, the trailer park, whatever it was. And while I can definitely appreciate the fact that they are attempting to improve their circumstances, what's really driving them is that sense of fear, some people will argue. Well, it's my fear that actually keeps me sharp.
Speaker 1:In fact, some of the most famous comedians in history have had massive drug and alcohol problems, and some of them have given interviews stating that they actually were not going to seek treatment because it was their pain and their suffering that made them funny, that gave them that sardonic rye observatory skill. It's their being in the trenches of their own suffering that created this material for them, and if that's honestly what they believe, so be it. That's the reality that they're going to continue to live in. But in my world, working with high performing executives and team leaders and company founders and even military special operations veterans all individuals who really, truly want to push the envelope of performance, what they have begun to recognize when they go through this work is that they can actually still be very sharp without having to be attached 24 seven to their fear, that they can begin to separate and even let go of and relinquish the fear to which they were so connected, and that they can transform their base motivation away from one of fear toward one of love, of mastery.
Speaker 1:And so where does the, the actual experience of life transition from fuck, this hurt so bad, but I have to. I feel compelled to move forward. I feel a compulsion and attachment that I cannot let go to do more tomorrow than I did today. And it's just more, more, more, more all the time, versus getting to a place of saying, wow, I really love what I do. And sure, there are times when I burn the midnight oil because I'm excited about a project or I'm excited about a deal or whatever it is that gets them excited, and those, in terms of one's perceived experience are worlds apart, and when we find ourselves in that place of enthusiasm and excitement and we're waking up filled with a sense of gratitude as well to get into the action, to be able to say, oh yeah, god, I'm so excited to be able to get into this thing today, I wonder what my team and I are going to be able to create. That is such a profound experience compared to what they have been previously living with, which is, oh my God, I better win today. I better win. I have to win. If I don't win, everything is going to be terrible. I'm going to feel really bad about myself, and so getting to that transition largely requires us to look at where did some of these core beliefs come from in the first place? Where did they originate? Is there a voice that you hear, or a face that you see, or voices and faces Right?
Speaker 1:Oftentimes, when we look at developmental influences sure, parents are highly influential on their children, but so are social groups, especially early social groups. When we start to make that transition from having our parents be the primary influencer to our peers being the primary influencer In that space, then we start to see where, without really our own awareness, we started to be molded, that certain things were okay, other things were not okay, either things about our society or things inside of us, ways of being, ways of feeling. How do we navigate this place? To be either accepted or ostracized. You know, when we look at where these motivations are, either virtue-based or fear-based. Oftentimes, when we see the fear-based motivations coming forward, they bring with them counterproductive behavior, because, again, we're being whipped, virtually notionally, and so when the thing that our fear demon is demanding doesn't occur, then we start to see yelling, we start to see micromanaging, we start to see opposition in meetings for no real good reason other than to just be difficult or to take an opposing stance.
Speaker 1:There's a client I'm working with right now, and one of the things that he has been looking at is where, throughout his career, he has been connected to a sense of fighting up. He feels that he takes really good care of the people that report to him and that he doesn't punch down, so to speak, which is actually quite interesting, because there are a number of leaders quote-unquote leaders out there that punch down. When I do 360 evaluations, their peers generally say good things, the boss says amazing things because that particular leader has been devoting all of their bandwidth and energy towards those upper or lateral relationships and then, when it comes to their own team members, they punch down, they utilize their authority as a cudgel right their bullies to their own team members, the ones who report to them. But in this particular case we have an individual who actually punches up and that there's been this pattern of being oppositional and in some cases, oppositional just for the sake of opposing, for the sake of showing that he can't be dominated, that he's not going to be somebody's yes man. And I agree to a point right.
Speaker 1:I don't think that we live really happy and fulfilling lives when we perceive ourselves as somebody's yes person, that we have no boundaries, that we have no backbone of our own. I don't think that that leads to a good place generally and it certainly is what I've seen in my clients that instances where they feel they compromise themselves, compromise their own values, that becomes a real problem for them and that problem eventually dovetails into effectiveness on the job. However, when we think about this individual who is fighting for the sake of, in some cases, the sake of fighting, we can see where the behavior has become ineffective, where the behavior has led to ill thought out and inappropriate opposition such that he's burning credibility. Right, it'd be one thing if he fought on topics that were well founded, where he actually really, truly did say oh you know, I think we're missing something here. Or I feel like we're not staying true to the company mission or the company culture.
Speaker 1:Right, when it's when it when the opposition is actually based on something substantive and that the reason for fighting is to improve the situation or to improve the, the culture, as opposed to simply gratifying one's inner demon. And if we look at the individual's history, this particular case that I'm just been elucidating, we see that there's a strong past conditioning toward standing up and where acceptance within the family was contingent upon getting out there and fighting and standing up for oneself. And don't confuse me, I'm not saying that standing up for yourself is wrong. But when we do it blindly and reactively and we may be able to do it, we may be able to do it in a way that's not not effective and we misapply it because we're so compelled by this inner demon, that's when we start to see really ineffective behavior and it starts to really hurt our credibility and it starts to basically chip away at our reputational capital.
Speaker 1:And in more extreme circumstances, when we're feeling pressured, when we're thinking about this, one individual, one individual can go from being a really good person to explosive, and then that creates a sense of doubt, a sense of inconsistency, which then allows people to connect with a sense of insecurity. Geez, which person am I going to get today? Am I going to get the one that's caring and well thought out, or am I going to get the one that is just going to blow up all over the place? And that particular dynamic is one that actually many of my clients have had, and especially as I pull their subordinates, it tends again not to show up so much with peers or with their superiors, whether those superiors are the board of directors or the CEO or the president or the whatever. But usually when I pull the subordinates there's a really strong doubt inside their minds and their hearts that compromises their ability to trust, because they never know which person am I going to be dealing with today? It's a bit bipolar, schizophrenic feeling. Now, I'm not meaning that in a clinical sense, I'm just trying to give sort of a lay person's indication of where these people are connected to a sense of uncertainty Can I really go in today to his or her office and deliver potentially bad news, and are we going to be able to have a productive, effective, problem-solving conversation? Or is this going to turn into some sort of yelling fest because they feel pressure?
Speaker 1:So for you, as you think about these concepts that we've been talking about, it can be very useful to start to look at the behavior that dominates your world. For instance, are you working all the time or are you fighting all the time in meetings? And often we have to actually ask the people around us to be a mirror to the people around us, to the behavior that they see from us the most. What are we known for? You can try this on your own. You can try just saying, oh well, I know what I'm known for, but chances are you're not actually seeing that very clearly. And even if you were that, you would probably be lying to yourself about it.
Speaker 1:So this is where, doing sort of a self 360, where you go to those around you and you ask them hey, what, what do you? What do you think is my reputation or what do you think I'm known for? And if all they give you is flowery stuff or they wave it off with like a oh, I don't, oh, geez, I don't know, I couldn't even begin to to figure that one out Then chances are they're avoiding giving you some hard feedback which that by itself might be pretty instructive that you do not have relationships that are secure enough for people to actually give you tough news straight up. But let's say that you are the individual that has gone out there and asked for that feedback and you've actually gotten it. Well then, just pick the I don't know top two or three. You know you don't need to, you don't need to canvas the entire universe of self, but look at the top two or three and then really try to ask yourself okay, if I am, let's just go off of the examples that we've given so far.
Speaker 1:If I'm working all the time and you know, split a piece of paper or your your tablet screen in half and, on one side, list the virtuous motivations and, on the other side, spend some real quality time trying to figure out what is not so virtuous about this behavior that keeps showing up. And you're going to have to dig underneath the layers and again, you might actually also have to go out to other people who know you, who you trust, who trust you ostensibly, and to ask hey, you know, what do you think is going on here with this? I notice I keep doing this and everybody else seems to notice it too. It's it's generally not a secret. What do you think is connected to this? Where have you noticed that this pattern comes forward? Is it when I'm caught off guard? Is it when somebody assaults my team or at least I think they're assaulting my team in some way? And I don't mean that in like a physical way, but just kind of blaming my team or calling my team irresponsible or what have you?
Speaker 1:But begin to try to pry those patterns apart, to try to see yeah, where, where might this have come from? Where might this defensiveness have started? Where in my life did I learn that I need to be uptight about this or that subject or theme? Because chances are there's some sort of counterproductive, ineffective behavior that you are manifesting that's connected to that fear based motivation. That does it for today. If you enjoyed this little snippet, this little short teaser, I hope you enjoyed it. I'll see you in the next video, and I'll see you in the next video so that the two of you can help each other improve, to make your leadership behavior better, to make your life better, to make your relationships better. Whatever it is that works for you. Until next time, take care of each other.