Have you ever felt trapped by a relentless pursuit of success, as if you're constantly proving your worth? Our newest episode tackles the subtle yet profound difference between experiencing victimization and adopting a perpetuating victim mindset. Join me, Sean, as we delve into the narratives of high achievers who've faced their darkest moments and emerged with powerful insights. From combat veterans to corporate leaders, the stories shared will resonate with anyone looking to break free from the shackles of past traumas and reclaim a sense of empowerment in their lives.
Trauma isn't selective; it can leave its indelible mark on anyone, including those at the pinnacle of their careers. This episode doesn't just spotlight the problem, but offers a beacon of hope, guiding you through strategies to overcome both visible and invisible barriers that hold you back. Learn how to navigate the tumultuous waters of PTSD and post-traumatic growth with actionable advice rooted in real-world experiences. Whether it's a CEO's journey through public degradation or a soldier's battle with inner demons, the episode is a roadmap to transforming pain into a driving force for personal evolution.
In our conversation, we also grapple with the often-overlooked allure of the victim role and how it can insidiously impact our lives. Discover the courage it takes to ask for help, especially when you're accustomed to being the one in charge. This candid discussion reveals how vulnerability isn't a weakness but rather a strength that fosters growth and connection. By the end of our talk, you'll be equipped with the tools to not only recognize when you need support but to take the necessary steps to build a more resilient and empowered self.
Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.
Have you ever felt trapped by a relentless pursuit of success, as if you're constantly proving your worth? Our newest episode tackles the subtle yet profound difference between experiencing victimization and adopting a perpetuating victim mindset. Join me, Sean, as we delve into the narratives of high achievers who've faced their darkest moments and emerged with powerful insights. From combat veterans to corporate leaders, the stories shared will resonate with anyone looking to break free from the shackles of past traumas and reclaim a sense of empowerment in their lives.
Trauma isn't selective; it can leave its indelible mark on anyone, including those at the pinnacle of their careers. This episode doesn't just spotlight the problem, but offers a beacon of hope, guiding you through strategies to overcome both visible and invisible barriers that hold you back. Learn how to navigate the tumultuous waters of PTSD and post-traumatic growth with actionable advice rooted in real-world experiences. Whether it's a CEO's journey through public degradation or a soldier's battle with inner demons, the episode is a roadmap to transforming pain into a driving force for personal evolution.
In our conversation, we also grapple with the often-overlooked allure of the victim role and how it can insidiously impact our lives. Discover the courage it takes to ask for help, especially when you're accustomed to being the one in charge. This candid discussion reveals how vulnerability isn't a weakness but rather a strength that fosters growth and connection. By the end of our talk, you'll be equipped with the tools to not only recognize when you need support but to take the necessary steps to build a more resilient and empowered self.
Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.
Welcome to the Reload, where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works. My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey. As a performance coach and Special Operations Combat Veteran, I help high-performing executives kick-ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives. Okay, why don't we just get cracking today? The topic of today's conversation is going to be the difference between being victimized and being a victim. For those of you who are new to the show, I predominantly work with what you might call high performers, high achievers, high potential executives. Now, I also do some work with Special Operations Combat Veterans, which, as you might imagine, is also a crowd of high performers and high achievers. So a lot of my perspective is informed from these various client sessions that I have and where it is that these individuals, these types of individuals that we typically look to as role models, as individuals who can overcome any challenge. They are often subjecting themselves to a victim mindset, so they are regular people just like everybody else. Now, over time, they may have subjected themselves or put themselves through rigors where the standard or the bar of what constitutes a challenge. That dumps them into that victim mindset might be higher than the average person, and I would say that that's true. However, they are not immune from engaging in victim mindset. So, not only for the clients that listen to my show, but also for all of you out there who listen to the show or who would benefit from this conversation, I thought it would be nice for us to be able to try to parse out.
Speaker 1:Okay, what is this difference between having experienced being victimized and then the sort of perpetual lingering condition of victim mindset? At some point, every single one of us will be victimized. Something will overpower us, some event will occur that will threaten our bodies, our hearts, our minds or our spirits or, for that matter, all the above. We will come face to face with something that is beyond us and it will hurt, but we have a choice as to whether we allow ourselves to fall into being a victim. Being a victim is a mindset, but to get beyond that, we have to be able to see the difference between the transactional fact of having been victimized and perpetually living in a victimized state.
Speaker 1:Now, what are some examples of having been victimized? Well, some obvious ones that come right off the top are assault. Many of my clients have childhoods that are rooted in some sort of assault, oftentimes from a parent or other authority figure. Now there are times when that assault is physical they were beaten in case that wasn't obvious. There are times when it's sexual. There are times many, many times when it was emotional.
Speaker 1:Most of my clients, if not actually all of them, really struggle with the sensation that they are not enough and they live their adult lives, which are highly accomplished, by the way but that accomplishment is fueled by the sense that they are only worth whatever their latest transactional product was the deal that they just closed, or the initiative that they got across the finish line, or the share price of their company. But they are on a constant treadmill, sprinting as fast as they can all the time to perpetually feed fuel into that fire of I am enough, because I have shown with my latest production that I am enough. It's a daily occurrence for them internally, and this is the funny thing when I do 360s and I don't mean funny as in humorous, I mean it as in curious or noteworthy but when I do 360s, oftentimes the people around the client are saying, wow, we really wish they would throttle back, take care of themselves, but inside the mind of the client it is I have to perform, I have to perform, I have to perform. What am I going to produce today that will demonstrate my worth Now? I'm not advocating that we just sit on our asses for the rest of our life, obviously, but there's a balance to be had and most of the people that I work with are very far on the extreme end of overproduction, because that is the only way that they can feel worthy, valuable. So that emotional assault that is like all over the place and, yes, there is virtue to be had from that sort of upbringing and the fact that you do tend to be the person that really gets after it and you have a lot of classic success, as it were, like career success, money accomplishment, etc. Etc. But it comes at a very, very heavy price. Some of my clients have had heart attacks early in life because of this stress.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, when we also look at this notion of being victimized, sometimes being victimized is not a product of human malevolence, for instance a car accident or some sort of natural disaster, really anything that confronts us in a way that shows us we are so powerless in so many ways, this physical form that we have is so powerless, is so exposed and fallible, but that is true for everybody. Everybody on the planet has the same human body. Sure, some people might have more grip, strength or the greater muscle density or bone density or what have you, but ultimately they are still working with the sort of fundamental human form, and that fundamental human form is subject to a great many injuries. We live on a pretty violent planet and I don't mean it again in a malevolent way, but when you think about the forces that exist on this planet, whether it's storms or wild animals or other wild humans, where it is that we can be crazy with one another? Right, there's a lot of forces out there driving in your car. I mean, as safe as it is, given the number of cars that are driving around this earth. They're moving at incredibly fast speeds and that is a lot of mass being transported from one place to another at very fast speeds, and sometimes those things collide with one another.
Speaker 1:A few weeks ago, one of my wife's friends ended up being rear-ended by a semi-trailer that is a grossly disproportionate amount of mass smashing into her vehicle and knocking her onto the median separator, and she's got some long-term injuries as a result, but this notion of where it is that the mortal, fallible human being is confronted with a force that is overpowering, fundamentally, from a mindset perspective, what we are looking at there is our lack of control, our lack of power, and if we blind ourselves, we blind ourselves to the fact that that was a single transaction, then we run the risk of staying in that place. So when we think about how to get past traumatizing events or events that victimized us victimized past tense we have to recognize that was a singular event. Something inside of us really has to grapple and come to a place of acknowledgement that yes, okay, that happened. A number of my clients have been sexually assaulted, men and women. It's not just a thing that happens to women. A number of my male clients have been sexually assaulted and one of the primary elements of their growth and their self-release from a victim mentality is to recognize that it was past tense or is past tense. I should say that there is this event that occurred and that simply because the event occurred does not mean that it is the stamp that will exist on the rest of your life. I can be victimized, but in order for me to be a victim, as in ongoing. It requires my participation, it requires my tolerance of that label.
Speaker 1:And this is where the sort of modern discussion on post-traumatic stress disorder versus post-traumatic growth really comes into its own. Where is it that some individuals have had traumatizing events? And again, a traumatizing event doesn't necessarily have to be something that is showcased on the evening news. A traumatizing event can be being humiliated in front of one's peers. One of my CEO clients told me a story about how, at his previous company, he had been called out in front of an entire leadership conference by the CEO of the company that he was at at the time. And that element of being called out in front of one's peers because it hits so deep at the core of our ancestral tribal origin can be tremendously disempowering. It lends itself right to the core of feeling ostracization, of being ejected from the tribe. And there is still, even in modern humans, there is still this deep core inside of us that recognizes, even if we're an introvert, that recognizes wow, I want to still stay inside the envelope or the bubble of the safety of the tribe. I may not want to be center stage and I may be the shy one hanging out in the corner, but I still want to be in the protective bubble, and if that starts to be threatened, that can be every bit as powerful as a direct physical assault. So this recognition that it was a one time event is critical.
Speaker 1:Now you might be saying I got you, sean, I got your ass. Because what if it's an ongoing toxic relationship or situation, like a toxic job, for instance? Ah yes, excellent challenge. Now, if it is an ongoing situation, I would argue that that ongoing situation is still a collection of finite singular events. And the funny thing about ongoing toxic relationships or situations is that they again require our continued participation. So then you might say, well, yeah, I, yeah, but I don't have a choice, sean. I don't have anywhere else to go. I can't leave this ongoing toxic situation, even if you say that it is still a collection of singular events. I can't leave it, can't get out of this maze.
Speaker 1:Okay, I hear you, and I have heard my clients who have also said something very similar where they felt trapped, and this sensation of being trapped is often such a critical component of that victim mindset. To be a victim in identity is so much about lack of option and when I work with people really intelligent, highly accomplished, very sophisticated people. They also sometimes find themselves emotionally debilitated with this sense of not having options. But that sense of not having options and oh, by the way, in case you're new to the show, I feel it too Nothing in any of my episodes is to suggest that I am standing on some sort of pedestal with all the answers I mean. Oftentimes the reason I can speak to something, I think, from a very informed perspective, is because I've been through it myself and I get to see how other people are also dealing with it and seeing the struggles that they register and that they voice the obstacles that they cannot escape, or at least they think and feel and believe that they cannot escape.
Speaker 1:But this notion of believing that we don't have obstacles is very much a matter of mindset and part of my work is to help people identify options and in the case of an ongoing toxic relationship or situation, it's about identifying exits. What would an exit look like In the case of a nasty job? Can one apply for an internal transfer to another department? Or can one apply for a different job outside the company, just as a way to get your imagination flowing? Now it's not just about identifying exits, we also have to determine what obstacles and when I say obstacles I mean both external and internal are keeping us from taking one of those exits. I don't work with stupid people, and if you're listening to the show, chances are you're not stupid either. So I'm not trying to insult your intelligence. Chances are you actually can very quickly and probably already have if you're in a toxic situation have already identified exits.
Speaker 1:But where I found that things tend to get bogged down is in really truly getting clear on what the obstacles are. So, in the case of external obstacles, what could that be? Well, one external obstacle might be why don't have enough money? That may be fair. Sometimes people think or feel like they don't have enough money, and then the exercise can be actually going through a budget and seeing okay, do you have enough to scrape by or survive, even if it doesn't feel the same, even if the quality or standard of living decreases for a time. But is that a worthy trade-off to get out of the toxic situation? Even if you're not able to spend the same amount that you would before, what is the trade that you're willing to make?
Speaker 1:Now, when it comes to the clearing of those external obstacles, we're looking for the minimum, not perfection. And so in that last example around finances, if somebody says, oh well, you know, I'm not able to punch out of this toxic job because I don't have enough money saved up, it's not like we're looking for the person to have saved up $10 million, we're looking for what is the minimum that will allow that person to continue to have a roof over their head, continue to buy groceries, continue to have sort of that baseline covered, whatever that means for them. And obviously that varies wildly from one situation to another. If you're single, you only have yourself to provide for. Well, that's a big difference than if somebody has a wife or spouse I should say a spouse and a number of dependents, whether those dependents are kids or elders or a lot of pets I mean, who knows whatever right. But getting clear on okay, what is the minimum baseline here that is survivable, that is able to sort of keep us in that place where we can stay safe? And oftentimes that is a much lower number than what people are initially conceiving, especially with the kinds of folks that I tend to work with Now, where I see the most struggle of all is in clearing internal obstacles.
Speaker 1:And when it comes to internal obstacles. I think that is often where relationships come to the foreground and it's typically a person's sense of loyalty that is being questioned internally. If I decide to leave or if I decide to change this aspect of my relationship with this person or these people, am I being disloyal? So many of my clients have loyalty as a huge part of their personality, of their identity, and taking care of others is also sort of right up there and where it is that they would feel like they weren't taking care of others and that is a direct assault on their sense of self.
Speaker 1:As I've mentioned in other episodes, this idea of being selfish is often for them, anathema and almost a moral injury, and they have a very tenuous or poor connection with the notion of self-care. And it's only when they reach a place of sort of dire self-preservation are they often willing to pull the eject handle out of a bad situation or relationship. So it's confrontation with the inner levers, if you will, the inner elements of how we define ourself. What are the characteristics that we want to be known by? This is, I think, where the real battle is, because the external barriers and obstacles those are typically transactional and the folks that I work with are so intelligent and they're able to truly figure out solutions for that in short order. But it's the struggle against the inner definition, I guess, that really hampers people. And so part of that process is to recognize where you might be wallowing or allowing a self-image of victim.
Speaker 1:And what's interesting, in doing the research for this episode, I noticed writing my little show notes out, my little bullet points here that allow and wallow, even though they sound very different, actually look identical almost, except for the W that we throw in front of the word allow to make it wallow. And so I thought, oh huh, I wonder if potentially, from an etymological perspective, they have a similar origin. And so, of course, I went to the dictionary and I'm laughing at my own joke here, which I guess is something you shouldn't do. But I'm laughing because so frequently I do consult the dictionary to try to understand the origin of words, because it is our words that represent concepts. And for those who subscribe to the show, you've heard this over and over and over again, but, granted, new listeners maybe haven't heard this. So the reason that I do take pains to go into the dictionary is specifically to try to understand how concepts evolve, because the more that we are able to have a conceptual basis or a relationship with a certain concept, the more that we're being able to really use these words as tools to empower ourselves, to give ourselves more options.
Speaker 1:So when we look at wallow, the etymology of the word wallow, the first known use is before the 12th century. It's pretty old and apparently comes from, or at least part of the origin of this word wallow is from middle English wallowen to turn oneself over and over, writhe about, roll oneself in a substance, indulge oneself unrestrainedly. Going back to old English wailian to roll of a round object, to roll from side to side, et cetera, et cetera. And so there's this notion of turning in place and I guess in modern English parlance, at least American English, this notion of spinning in place where we're not making any progress. And so then, when we look at the word for allow, or the etymology for the word allow excuse me, it's actually quite a bit younger, which surprised me and the first known use, according to Miriam Webster, is the 14th century.
Speaker 1:And that the history of the word also from middle English allowin' to commend, approve of, legally recognize, permit, take into account, compensate, borrowed from Anglo-French allouer, allouer, something like that to place a lot commend, accept as legally valid, permit, take into account, assess but that ultimately, going back to Latin, place to place, admit or credit, to praise. So these two concepts have very, very different histories and I think oftentimes, when we think about the word wallow, at least in American culture, what we're looking at is tends to have a negative connotation and it tends to be sort of mixed in with a sense of apathy, and where we feel apathetic is often very much connected to feeling like we are a victim, whereas to allow something, at least out of the roots that I just read off, there's a sense of approval, there's a sense of permitting. Bye, for now Lacks, unlike the word wallow. It lacks the sense of being stuck. There's more volition. I choose to allow this to occur.
Speaker 1:Now, how is that relevant for the discussion today? Well, I would say that, okay, if there's a difference between wallow and allow, in that allow carries with it the sense that, okay, I'm going to permit this to occur. I think in that is also the root of how we get out of this victim situation. If I am actually allowing this mindset to continue, what do I need to confront in myself about this self-image? How long do I want to be owned by this victim self-image?
Speaker 1:And for some people they will actually. I mean, I have some folks that are kind of artistically inclined and they will draw it. They will draw an image of what this victim self looks like, and it's generally not a very pleasing image for them. In that amount of antipathy or disgust that they have for that victim self can sometimes rouse them and rally them out of that victim mindset. They say, ah, I am not going to be this. But ultimately, whether you draw a picture or you use words to describe it or you just have sort of a color collage I don't know, some people are sort of very oriented towards colors or however you choose to represent this victim self-image, what will cause you to say enough will not allow this to continue. I value myself more than this and for some individuals it's really stacking up.
Speaker 1:What is the cumulative cost that has come with either days, weeks, months or years and in some case decades, of subscribing to the victim mindset, the victim image? And it's often not just about cost. This is the thing that gets pretty murky, I guess I would say it's oftentimes there is a hidden benefit to playing the victim, and this is something. When I do, there's an assessment that I run and on all my clients, and part of that assessment is to try to understand where it is that we show up in our power. Where is it that we show up disempowered, where do we show up out of sorts? And being a victim is part of that assessment.
Speaker 1:Most of my clients don't like that idea that they play the victim or that they engage in a victim mindset in certain ways, and it's not until we begin to recognize oh well, what does it provide? Well, oftentimes, if I'm hurting or if I have been hurt and I say ow, and I don't mean that literally, although it could be literal, but if I somehow express my pain, then my loved ones will often rally around me and it feels comforting. It can feel all warm and fuzzy and supportive to know that, when you're hurting, that people will come. It's like proof that people care and it feels good, yay. But again, it's when we wallow in that state that we connect with disempowerment.
Speaker 1:What else comes with playing the victim? Well, many of my clients are individuals who make decisions all day long and the last thing that they want to do when they get home is make more decisions. They want to release power. They've been holding on to it all day and it's burning their hands Hot, and so there are times when they want to just give up power. Now, having said that, they often don't want to be overpowered. They want to have this kind of volitional experience of giving up power, and I get it. That's cool. And so there's another element there of just man I'm tired and I want somebody else to take over. But what's interesting, at least with my kind of client, is they often pair themselves with partners who, in the client's own word zuh I can use my own words In the client's own words they often pair up with partners who they perceive need a lot of help and guidance, and a lot of that stems back to the client's need, internal psychological need for control.
Speaker 1:Even though it's tiring, they're more afraid of losing control, and so they end up actually in this weird trap where they do sort of lock down their whole world and it's exhausting for them, and they can't see their way out of that trap because they have selected for themselves partners or, in some cases, team members that are not as capable as they are If it's an, a leader and they hire C players, as it were, instead of A players. On the one hand, that feels good because they're like okay, I'm clearly better than everybody and my seat at the table is reserved because I'm clearly better than everybody. But what it then does is it puts all the weight on their shoulders and they're constantly lamenting gosh, why don't I have more? Why don't I have A players on my team here? I wish that my partner could take care of him or herself better.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm constantly having to hold things together at home as well, and so the trap that they end up in is this it leads to victim mindset, to be quite honest, because they can't see a way out of it, and part of the way out for that type of person is to recognize how deeply committed they are to maintaining control, that they will not allow themselves to let go of control, and that the answer is the obstacle is the way. And if we're looking at Ryan Holiday's book which I highly recommend, by the way the obstacle is the way. If we are terrified of letting go of control, the remedy is starting to experiment with letting go of control, to recognize that it's not so foreign, it's not so scary, it'll be okay, I promise. Now, do you want to put all your resources on one big bet? No, I don't think so. We want to ease our way into those waters or to get an experience for letting go control.
Speaker 1:What are some of the common challenges that have been thrown my way whenever helping somebody through this victim mindset? Well, one thing that's very common is but Sean, this happened to me, not to somebody else. To me, it happened. For those of you thinking that I'm simply reiterating my earlier premise of singular transactional event, I'm not. What I'm stressing here is that people, the experiences that we live through, that we actually undergo, have a very powerful indentation effect on our psycho-emotional self. Feels real, feels real. It's not just real, it feels real. So what we feel is tremendously important, as I've mentioned in the past when it comes to psychedelic ceremonies.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes the power that is in a psychedelic ceremony is that it helps individuals who have all these notions of self-care and healing and release and self-empowerment that really are simply intellectual concepts that they understand are real but don't feel real. A psychedelic ceremony, when properly prepared and properly administered and properly supported in the aftermath, can really help to expedite something feeling real, a realization, feeling permanent and not just fleeting. Now, can this be done sober as well? Yeah, of course it can, but for some folks the hurdle is greatly assisted by some sort of psychedelic ceremony. Another thing that I often hear is this person has a power over me. So in this case the client is freely acknowledging that they are disempowered in relationship to this particular person, and oftentimes it's apparent, so oftentimes, what you're dealing with there is a longstanding history of the parent kind of chipping away at the client's sense of self. But sometimes it's also a partner, in which case there's also a longstanding history.
Speaker 1:Typically, or the partner represents something to the person it was their salvation or the partner is quote, unquote way out of their league, out of the client's league, as it were. At least that's the client's perception. So here again we have to figure out okay, what's the track record? Just because a track record has existed for a long period of time and continues to have reinforcement points on a regular basis does not mean that it has to continue. Just because it was done a certain way in the past doesn't mean that it has to continue to be done that way.
Speaker 1:And of course there are the baked in challenges of how does that start to feel real for the client and typically the progression is okay. We introduce a concept. At first it's intellectual, oftentimes doesn't seem like it could be legit, and then it sort of transitions into okay, that could be legit, but for somebody else, not me. And then, with more time and kind of grinding the gears, often we end up starting to get to a place where, okay, yeah, that could be for me, but it still doesn't feel real. And typically during this process there's some trial and error being done, some experimentation.
Speaker 1:How can little demonstrations of empowerment occur, whether that is enforcing boundaries, shutting work off at a certain time, not answering work emails during your vacation, whatever right or, if it's more of an interpersonal thing, how can someone stand up for themselves hey, I don't want you to talk to me that way. I feel disrespected when you say XYZ. And then, if the person continues to talk to them that way that there's some sort of repercussion, either the client withdraws until the counterparty is able to speak with more respect or what have you so many different types of examples? But to actually recognize one's own disempowerment by saying this person has a power over me is often very helpful in identifying the source of the issue. Because until you know what the source of the issue is, it's really difficult to do anything about it.
Speaker 1:Now, another common challenge that I receive is if I try to change this one thing, it will affect my whole life. So in this, what we see is the individual feeling as though there's going to be some grossly disproportionate impact from one decision, and oftentimes we deconstruct this particular stance by challenging Is that true? Is your whole life going to come apart? Will a giant chasm open up in front of you that's filled with fire and brimstone, and you will fall into it and you will burn for eternity and your whole family with it? Obviously, I'm being somewhat facetious here, because very rarely is one's entire life going to come apart Just because of, I don't know, altering a toxic situation or ending a toxic relationship or what have you.
Speaker 1:But this ties in with the last thing that I often hear is I'm scared of what this will mean for my future, which is sort of a broader statement of the previous one, and that's really what people are getting at. They don't know what the future will look like. But what's interesting about that, at least from my perspective, and I've seen this play out in my own mindset. So, again, I'm not better than you. I'm experiencing all the same things that I talk about. But what's interesting about that for me is we somehow lull ourselves into a false sense of security on a daily basis, thinking that we, just because our life has a certain cadence to it or a certain consistency, that somehow that means the future is going to look a certain way. And it's not until some outlier event disrupts the pattern that we are tangibly reminded of the insecurity and the uncertainty in which we live every single day. But we treat these outlier events as though it's somehow some aberration of the universe. And I get it. It's because most of the time we are kind of in the status quo. No matter what your life looks like, there is a status quo to that rhythm.
Speaker 1:I have clients who travel all the time, who are subjected to the whims of storms and travel delays and etc. Etc. On a daily basis sometimes. But for them that becomes kind of the normal rhythm oh, I'm going to have to go to the airport and then this and that and other slight delays and that. Okay, and you know, and. And they've kind of fallen into this rhythm of having people help adjust their schedule and, okay, my arrival is going to be delayed by two hours Then, and they have certain protocols in place to make up meetings if they're going to miss them or whatever right, but for them that becomes kind of the norm.
Speaker 1:But even in the sense that they experience a fair amount of chaos every day, there are things that are outside that template, that then seem threatening, that then seem like, oh my gosh, my whole world is full of chaos when they're outside of their typical template. And so, really, what we're trying to confront there is this notion that we're afraid of not knowing the future. How can we bring ourselves into greater daily awareness in a tangible way that we're we never know the future? Come on Like it's. That is not something that humans are capable of knowing. We are always placing probabilistic bets. That is the best that we can do. When you wake up in the morning and you flip the switch in your house, you make an assumption, a probabilistic bet, that the lights will turn on, and before that you made a probabilistic bet when you went to bed that you were going to wake up the next morning.
Speaker 1:And so much of that happens in the background and I think if we were to bring more of that into the foreground, on sort of a daily meditative way, that we would have greater equanimity and we would have a greater sense of empowerment. Because, oddly enough and this may be overly philosophical for some of you, in which case I apologize, but when we recognize our own limit of power, when we recognize oh yeah, there's really not much that I control here as Peter Atia if you've never listened to his show, I would strongly recommend it because he has some really sharp guests on his show but what Peter Atia has globed onto is this notion of finitude, and finitude, our finiteness, our limit of control is actually one way to get out of victim mindset. And that may be counterintuitive for a lot of people. Like how can I get out of victim mindset when I'm recognizing the limit of my own influence and control? Because what it then does is it frees us up.
Speaker 1:With the CEOs and presidents and vice presidents that I work with, they often have bitten off way more than they can chew. They're used to having a lot of influence, they're used to having a lot of power and they conflate their ability to have influence in certain settings with their ability to have influence and power and control over any setting. And then, when they bump into a scenario that is beyond their power, it melts. Their brain does not compute. I'm so used to being able to snap my finger. I mean, they don't really actually snap their fingers, but notionally snap their fingers and have things happen. So, from an inward perspective, to be able to recognize oh yes, there is a limit to what I control, we can free ourselves from the larger burden of you know. Okay, well, I have to control all the variables. No, you don't. Life will hand you things that are beyond your control, and that is an invitation for you to recognize okay, what is the limit of that which I influence and what is the much reduced limit of what I control? Because you influence more than you actually control and what you control is really just your own response.
Speaker 1:And then, by recognizing the limit of one's own control, one can begin to ask for help. And I'm trying to emphasize it because so many of my clients, part of what really kicks them in the ass and prevents them from exiting difficult circumstances is they don't ask for help, they're just stuck in this place of I've got to go it alone, because they have spent their entire lives achieving more than everybody else and have spent a lot of their time in very rarefied air, if you will One of 50, right, but one of one when it came to accomplishment. So asking for help is a tremendous way to leave victim mindset, because even if you're recruiting in outside resources, what it shows you, if you do it, is that you are capable of identifying when a circumstance is beyond your power. And it is actually quite self-empowering to make that recognition happen and to say, oh huh, this is beyond my single bucket of tools and resources and power. But what if I am intelligent and wise enough to bring in additional resources? That is a very empowering thing. And then to come together has the added benefit of feeling fellowship, joint purpose, etc. Etc.
Speaker 1:Relationships, because when we are vulnerable, that's infectious in a good way and it often invites other people to join in, to be similarly vulnerable and candid and open, and then the relationships tighten. Now, going back to what I was saying before, there may be a relationship that is toxic and that will have to change in order for it to be rewarding. And by change, either the person themselves will have to recognize some change, to show up as a better partner or a better team member or whatever, or sometimes, if it's truly a bad fit and the future doesn't look good together, like you don't want to drive to the same destination, then sometimes the relationship ends. But in either case, recognizing the limits of one's control, recognizing that we don't control the future, recognizing that we can ask for help, and the myriad of other inner obstacles, some of which we talked about earlier but listing those out yes, I know, I say this all the time but actually listing them out so that you can see them on a tablet or a piece of paper or on a computer screen or something, something that is outside your own head that is a very practical way to get real, so that you can then start to take action. Because ultimately I mean, that's really what I am attempting to promote with this show and with all of my client relationships is it's not just ooh and ah, like, oh, insight, oh, my God, amazing, I didn't see this before. I'm trying to use my little alter ego voice here so that you can see that yeah, okay, it's not just about that, it's also about putting it into action. It is insufficient for us to simply say, oh, wow, amazing, I never saw that before.
Speaker 1:If you truly want your life to be better. You have to do something, there has to be action, there has to be a change, and typically, if you want a new life, it will come at the cost of the old life Not 100% of the old life, but certain chunks of it and I bet there is something inside of you that is resistant to that. And getting clear on what that is and having a conversation with yourself around what that is is going to be a big step towards allowing you to be more empowered. Anyway, hopefully this episode was good for you and challenged you and ultimately, I want to help you. More importantly, I want you to help yourself and I want you to be a force of change positive change for those in your life. If you are getting value out of the show, I'd love it if you would subscribe, follow like thumbs up, smiley face, you know whatever the thing is and share. Use this as a springboard to talk about these concepts with people that you care about. Anyway, until next time, take care of each other.