Emerging from the Shadows of Guilt to Find Grace - 188

Haunted by a moment in Iraq that changed everything, I've learned that the weight of guilt can be a relentless master. February 12th, 2006, marks the day an oversight on my part resulted in the ultimate sacrifice of a teammate. In a conversation that is as raw as it is real, I navigate through the labyrinth of self-blame and the excruciating journey towards self-forgiveness. This episode doesn’t just recount the events that led to heartache, but also the years of self-punishment that followed. Through therapy, coaching, and the unconventional aid of controlled psychedelic therapies, I've begun to piece together a semblance of peace from the shrapnel of war.

As we turn the page to a chapter that is both vulnerable and vital, the focus shifts to the arduous task of accepting grace. It's a road fraught with obstacles, where allowing oneself to believe in a life beyond reproach is the rarest form of bravery. This is not just my battle but a shared struggle with countless others who can't seem to forgive themselves for their past. I share insights into the transformative realization that our lost loved ones would prefer us to live fully—embracing grace, not anchored by sorrow. Tune in as we confront the idea that self-punishment is not a conduit to atonement, and discuss why most people, at their core, truly yearn for us to accept the grace and peace we rightfully deserve.

Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the reload, where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works. My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey. As a performance coach and special operations combat veteran, I help high performing executives kick ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives. Alright, welcome back. Or, if this is your first time, welcome For tonight. And I actually am recording this on February 12th, and this will be relevant here in just a second the night of February 12th. When I do these recordings, most of the time I have a set of bullet points, from which I'm speaking Now. Ultimately, the goal of those bullet points is not to script out the show and make it sound all formal and well prescripted, but to organize a certain framework so that I'm not being redundant or wasting your time or my own time, I guess, for that matter. As listeners of the show have commented on and I appreciate I do my best to make this a natural process, especially given that I'm sitting alone in this recording space and staring at a set of drapes. So there is that. But when I record these discussions, let's say what I'm attempting to do is I'm attempting to impart a certain perspective, and I want to do so succinctly but also effectively. So I'm normally operating from that framework of bullet points. Occasionally and tonight is one of those occasions I just speak extemporaneously from the heart, and oftentimes in those episodes it's because I'm speaking directly to an experience that I'm having in the moment.

Speaker 1: 2:14

Now, the reason that February 12th is so relevant is because February 12th specifically February 12th of 2006, was the day that one of my teammates was killed when we were deployed to Iraq. And again, for consistent listeners of the show, you've heard me in numerous episodes mention sort of this capstone experience that I had on one of my combat deployments. And this is it. I ended up being called out to a certain location with my team and things didn't feel very good. Things felt a little off. I don't know. You could call it a sixth sense or premonitions, or you can call it whatever you want. I just didn't feel good about what we were doing there, not from an ethical or moral situation. We'd actually been called out to disarm a improvised explosive device, but it just something felt off.

Speaker 1: 3:22

And as we continued to prosecute the item, things continued to feel off. What should have inspired more confidence was not, and so ultimately we get to a point where we go down there, we've used the robot, we've done sort of a drive by in the armored vehicle, we're doing everything that we can to stay remote, and then, when we have to start to creep in because we've already exhausted our remote means, we try to stay inside of some sort of armored protection. And then at the end of the procedure at least at the time and in that part of the battle space the procedure was to dismount and then check, check to make sure that you hadn't missed anything, because we felt at the time that it would be highly unethical for us to say to the infantrymen who were left behind to sweep the area on foot that everything was fine if we didn't at least get out and stand around on our own two feet as well and take a physical look around as a final sweep up of the area. And so it was in that moment that one of my teammates went out to trace one of the elements that was associated with that particular I don't know we can call it a mission, I guess and I had missed a detail.

Speaker 1: 4:55

I don't know why I missed it. Maybe I was sleep deprived, maybe I was burned out. I mean, I was definitely sleep deprived and I was definitely burned out, but I don't know if those were exactly the causes of why I missed this particular detail. It wasn't an obvious detail, that's for sure, because it turned out that we were being set up. We were being set up for an ambush and typically when the enemy tries to set you up for an ambush, they tend to avoid broadcasting it to you because that, as you might imagine, defeats the purpose of ambushing somebody. So anyway, you know, with all of these justifications in place, I guess the bottom line is I missed a detail. And then I watched my friend, my teammate, get killed and I carried that for a really long time, like 16 years, and you might be thinking to yourself yeah, damn right, of course you should carry it, and for a long time. I I would have completely agreed with you, as I have continued to do my own work with therapists and coaches and, in some cases, very, very controlled, very appropriately administered psychedelics harmonies.

Speaker 1: 6:17

One of the things that I've come to recognize is that, that element of self punishment, especially when my colleagues in that military community have told me repeatedly hey, you know, anyone could have missed that war is a very complex apparatus or experience. You did nothing wrong, so I have that in my back pocket. I have the fact that my peers have decided, in their own view of the situation, that I was not at fault, that I was not negligent. Now, of course, this was not done through some formal process, because at the time, the battle space that I was in was so chaotic and so busy and I mean that in a literal way. You know, just mission after mission after mission after mission, there was just so much combat activity happening that, you know, we were just struggling to keep our heads above water, as it were. But in either case, having my colleagues, having my friends, my peers tell me hey, you're not, you're not negligent in this, you're not to blame Could have happened to any of us. That didn't actually make me feel any better deep down on the surface. Yes, it was great to know that my friends didn't blame me or my peers didn't blame me, but there was still this element of myself that refused to receive their grace. It wanted to punish myself. And the reason why I'm talking about this tonight because most of you listening to this or I can have no idea what I'm talking about in terms of a sort of a literal visceral experience. Now, there are certain combat veterans who do listen to the show and maybe they will know sort of firsthand what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1: 8:29

The reason that I think this topic is worth talking about tonight, especially when I'm in this moment and reflecting on the text messages that I've gotten back from friends of mine checking in on me today, is because the propensity for self-punishment is so high in my clientele and if you're listening to the show then chances are you are very much like my typical client this notion that we need to be perfect at every turn. And what's interesting is that when I speak with clients they actually talk about it in much more reasonable ways. Externally, but then internally, the minimum bar of performance is perfection, and while cognitively they acknowledge oh yeah, of course that's impossible and can't be perfect all the time, internally, emotionally and in their belief, center Right and I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm emphasizing the belief, because belief is so powerful. Belief trumps what you think. You know, when you do something that is countered to the things you say you ought to do, it's because there is a belief deep inside of you that is guiding you in that direction. So belief is the actual trump card, and this propensity for self punishment and self blame and holding the bar so high is something that is so common and pervasive in my clientele that I wanted to speak to it tonight, because the reason that those individuals, those friends of mine, are checking in on me and sending text messages asking how I am on this day is because I spent a lot of years being very close to blowing my brains out on this day. There were a lot of years where I really truly believe that I shouldn't be on the planet anymore, because I had missed that small detail, and my friend paid the price for it. Now, as one of my therapists was kind enough to point out, he missed that detail too, and I'm not laughing because I think it's funny. I'm laughing partly because well, it's true, but also because pointing that out didn't really do much for me. It didn't make me feel any better.

Speaker 1: 11:06

So then, what is this episode about? Is it about the fact that we should blame ourselves, that we should maintain perfection as the standard? I think you're smart enough to recognize that. No, that's not what this episode is about. This episode is about finding peace. That's one of the things that I've really noticed about this experience. I fought it and fought it and fought it for 16 years, even though, if you were to have asked me what I want, I would have told you what I want is peace. But then I would not allow myself, neither from the help of therapists nor through the words and embraces of my friends and peers and colleagues, would not allow myself to have peace, because there was a part of me that did not believe that I deserved it and, in fact, it believed in turn that I deserved punishment and pain and suffering.

Speaker 1: 12:20

This, this piece, is something if you look at your life and you look at ways in which you were punishing yourself for something that went sideways, something that perhaps had terrible consequences. And in this, actually, I'm thinking about a couple of my clients that I was coaching at the same time. They worked for the same organization and they lost a human life in their organization in an accident. Was it an accident that could have been prevented? Probably yeah. And these two clients of mine well, now they're former clients, but they really to say that they were punished, they really to say they took it hard, is a gross understatement.

Speaker 1: 13:09

But we can begin to recognize that grace is available to each of us if we allow it to come in, which then begs the question why do we not allow grace into our lives? What is it inside of us that holds on to self-punishment, self-recrimination, suffering? And if you were to think about someone else, someone you like, like you, really like them. You don't just kind of tolerate them like you, really, really, really, really, really like them. You have all kinds of affection and good feels for them, and you were to think about that person, and you were to think about them being in your shoes, punishing themselves, inducing themselves into constant suffering either low grade or high grade times when it's acute, most of the time chronic, lower in intensity, but ever present and you were to ask them what is it keeping you holding on to this? They will often have to confront something deep in themselves that says that they don't deserve better. And why is that? Why do they not deserve better?

Speaker 1: 14:38

In my example, I believed for a long time that I was the one that had missed the detail and therefore I should have been, in all fairness, the one to bear the consequences of missing that detail. And of course I'm guessing that's part of the reason why one of my therapists was like well you know, did your teammate also miss that detail? But I wouldn't see it that way for a long time because it didn't seem right that I would have made it. My teammate was more skilled than I am more experienced and probably more observant and quicker-witted on the battlefield, and he also had a wife and I remember calling her with my team leader, who was also there that day. And it was terrible. It was terrible in a way that I could have never imagined. Terrible in a way that I would never want to relive that kind of experience.

Speaker 1: 16:07

And so there were a number of factors that went into my calculation as to why I deserved to have been the one to go down that day, and the fact that I'd made it through seemed to be somehow anomalous and highly idiosyncratic to the way that it should have gone. And so I fought for years this, this part of me that said no, that's not how it should have been. You're the one who should have gone down, you're the one who should have paid the price. And over time, and with repeated help from coaches and therapists, etc. Etc. I was able to start to recognize okay, yes, I can acknowledge that my teammate would not want me to suffer. If he were able to appear in front of me in spirit form, he would tell me hey, what are you doing? Don't be stupid, don't waste the rest of your life in this self-imposed suffering.

Speaker 1: 17:22

And through enough inner soul searching, I began to actually believe it and not just quote unquote, think I know it, moreover really beginning to recognize as well that this self-imposed punishment, this prison that I made for myself, wasn't actually making me a better person, because there is this weird part of me that thought okay, well, you made it through that, you survived, congrats. But now your penance is to suffer and therefore we'll make things better, we will atone. But then it was this road to nowhere and it didn't actually make me better. From a physiological perspective, my sleep was terrible for 16 years, interrupted by nightmares, etc, etc. Now my sleep still isn't like amazing, but it's gotten a lot better since learning to really accept the grace that not only my peers try to give me, but that my teammate would also want me to accept. He was that person, and I would imagine that most of the people that you have in your life, if not all the people that you have in your life are also individuals who want you to accept grace.

Speaker 1: 18:57

They are most likely people who are good people. You know, it's easy when you watch the news to think that the world is filled with a bunch of shitty assholes, and there are definitely ways in which humans can behave like shitty assholes to one another. I have definitely been accused of that myself, and rightfully so. But, deep down, most people, I truly believe, are trying to be good people Now. They may be impatient, they may be under slept, they may be hangry, they may be all kinds of things that cause them to act shitty in the moment, but I think that, deep down, my belief my belief right the emphasis, my belief is that most people are trying to be good people and they get cluttered and confused by their own stressors On the premise that you have good people around you who want you to be in a place of grace, even when they hold high standards. Right, those two things can coexist.

Speaker 1: 20:00

But allowing yourself to recognize, huh, this suffering, and this is the process that I had to go through I had to recognize that the suffering, from a physiological perspective, was costing me poor sleep or no sleep in many cases, and then that actually had immediate consequence on my ability to perform on the job, the way that I showed up in my relationships, which was not good, short tempered, cranky, etc. Etc. My focus was off, because when you don't sleep, guess what? It's really hard to focus and any number of like cognitive detriments, as well as emotional and relational. Moreover, and I think on a deeper level, this self-imposed suffering wasn't making me a more virtuous person and I think in some ways, actually I was serving my own ego, my own sense of poor me. I'm hoping I don't know. Sorry, my voice tends to be so monotone and it can often be very soothing for clients because I tend not to get very riled up during sessions, but I know during a podcast episode it's like ah, come on, give us. It was a little bit more emotion here.

Speaker 1: 21:21

But this element of poor me, there was a part of me that I think was holding on to that punishment to gain attention. Right, not in a conscious way. If you had ever asked me oh, do you want attention for this like thing that happened? No, I would have said no. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but there was a part of me that was really hurting and instead of having the inner awareness and the courage to simply ask for help, whether it was simply asking for a hug or asking somebody to take pity on me. I was trying to do it through this circuitous path, or at least a part of me was, you know.

Speaker 1: 22:12

And this is where this notion of parts work comes in so handy, because we like to think of ourselves as these fully unified beings, when we're not. We have multiple facets to our sense of self, you know, so frequently, as a more real world example, in the work that I do with clients, they tell me that they are the kind of person he or she or whatever who delivers on what they say. And then, lo and behold, we start to pull back the layers and there's all kinds of ways they don't deliver on what they say, whether it's with me, whether it's with people in their life, whether it's with you know, on the job. There's all kinds of ways. That breaks down. You cannot be perfect 100% of the time, and so there's a part of them that likes to uphold that image, uphold that facet of their identity, and so the growth comes in, acknowledging huh, yeah, well, there's actually this other part of me that doesn't deliver on what it says and that flakes out. So, going back to the example that I've given, would have said no, I'm not the type of person who wants to stir up drama just to have the spotlight on me.

Speaker 1: 23:36

But the reality deep down and it took a long time for me to get to this realization so hopefully you're a quicker study than I was but deep down I had to acknowledge there was some part of me that was really hurting still and I had to get to a place in my process. I had to get to a place where I was comfortable asking for that help, asking for my wife to hold me or asking my wife to tolerate me being mopey. And you know she and I joke around now about how we ask each other to make soothing noises when we're upset. And do you want a solution right now, or do you just want me to make soothing noises? And you'd be surprised how powerful soothing noises can actually be. Coo-coo, coo-coo. I'm joking a little bit there, right, but really soothing noises, I shouldn't keep calling that, but anyway, the point is is that when we are able to ask for the help that we require in that moment, it helps us get over the moment faster, or it helps us to process through the experience that we're having more effectively and, ironically enough, what that then allows is for you to show up as a better person, whether that's more effective in your job, whether that's more powerfully in your relationships, whether that's honoring your own boundaries, whatever.

Speaker 1: 25:13

However it shows up, actually asking for the help gets you there more quickly and then ultimately, combining these various aspects believing that we deserve better, recognizing that the self-imposed suffering is not making us a more virtuous, more effective, more powerful person. When we combine these various facets, then we get to recognize and truly accept and believe that it's okay for us to receive grace and in that we can feel at peace. And from that place of clarity peaceful clarity then we actually can see what's going on around us and we can be so much stronger for ourselves and for those that rely on us. So these text messages that have come in asking if I'm doing okay yes, I am. I'm doing better than I have probably in my entire life, and the reason that I'm recording this is not to self-aggrandize but to offer potentially, if you're willing to accept it, an example If you or someone that you know is struggling with that sense of self-imposed suffering for something that went sideways, horribly wrong, potentially even including life and death. Maybe this example will help them, help you recognize that there is a better way and that, even if it takes a long time again, it took me 16 years that you can get there and that when you arrive in that place, in that headspace, that heartspace, that your ability to be with others, to be truly present with others and to show up powerfully will rise to a level that you had not previously known.

Speaker 1: 27:51

Alright, that does it for tonight. I hope that this episode was meaningful in some way and that you actually do recognize that you deserve grace and that there are tremendous benefits that come with achieving that. If you are enjoying the show, I would love it If you would subscribe, share, follow, hit the like button, hit the whatever button. I mean or not. I mean, it's totally up to you, but until next time, take care of each other.